#im sorry for the massive delay i was sick for like a month and a half i thought i was done for akdjakjd | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

overbakedone · 6 years

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this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know.

thanks for listening i guess

#self #baking #life #thoughts

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ecotone99 · 5 years

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[SF] End of Days Part 2.

Please leave feedback!!! We make it to willstown. Barely. The two day drive turned into a five day walk. After about a day of driving the truck gave out. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway way. Gridlock. Abandoned Cars for miles and miles. So we walk and walk and walk. Our food and supplies dwindled down to nothing. We haven’t in almost two days. To make matters worse Lucia and Jr are starting to get sick . The rain and the weather Change has everyone rundown.

As we approach the gates a sign reads “trespassers will be executed”

That’s comforting - Maria

We haven’t eaten In almost two days, we need to rest. Only two days till the ship reaches Bayonne it will all be over soon - jr

Everyone stay close and follow my lead - me

Heavily armed guards, line the top walls.

What’s your business here? - says a guard at the gate.

We are here to trade- I reply.

Let me see what you got boy. - guard.

I open up the back pack and show him the pills.

We have two more bags just like this - me

Alright, looks good. He says and takes the back pack out of my hand

What are you doing ? I question and go to grab it back

No funny business now . Consider this an entrance fee . I Wouldn’t want to have to hurt a pretty face like hers- he says as he stares at Maria

The antibiotics. The most important bag. I need to get this bag back.

I’m reaching down to my hip to grab my pistol before I can. Maria grabs my hand

“It’s not worth it “ she whispers in my Ear

The guard whistles and the gate opens

It’s just like a shanty town. Run down buildings. Some bigger buildings toward the back. Looks like an old apartment building. There’s one sign . It reads Willstown

Behind the sign is a massive bulletin board of pictures with the word MISSING written in red. It’s pictures of Men, women, and children. From all walks of life. The end of times doesn’t discriminate. We were all effected the same way.

Mommy I’m tired - Lucia says as we walk through the compound.

Here get on my shoulders - I say as I bend down

I can’t help but notice a massive make shift stage in the middle of the compound separating it into two sides.

Maybe they host a nightly talent show - JR says

We all laugh.

A tall man dressed in a black trench coat appears on the stage.

Attention ladies and gentlemen . Boys and girls would you please Make your way to the stage - he says into a mega phone

I hand lucia to JR

you take Lucia and Maria to apartment building in the back I’m gonna check this out with Josh. - me

Alright captain - Jr says sarcastically.

As you know we don’t have many rules here but we do have two! - the man continues to say.

And what are they ? - he questions the crowd

No stealing and no killing! They reply.

Josh and I look at each other and people begin to pour in to the front of the stage.

Well today we found a thief! He smirks

The crowd boos

Two men dressed in military fatigues drag a man on to the stage.

Now this man was already caught stealing and was punished - the man says

Fortunately I’m a merciful man. - man

the guard pulls up his sleeve and his left hand is gone.

The crowd begins to Cheer loudly

But today not so much - the man

Another man comes to the stage and hands the man a massive Scythe.

It clicks in my minds. Holy shit it’s the grim reaper.

I think that’s Gary - josh says.

I thought it couldn’t get worse but it did,

The man who gave him the scythe rolls out a pillory... a freaking pillory.

The other two men strap the thief in.

Please no please I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.

The crowd begins to boo and throw things on to the stage.

It’s a mob mentality. It’s sickening . These people are almost like savages.

The reaper approaches the thief.

Please I’ll do anyt - thief

In one fluid motion he slices the mans head clean off his body.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!!! He yells into the mega phone as loud as he can.

The crowd absolutely loses it. They are going nuts.

Joshes face is white. Whiter then the purest snow.

I shake him

Snap out of it man- I say

He just stares at me.

I grab his arm as we make our way out of the crowd

We keep walking and we can still hear them in the distance.

We reach the run down building and see JR, Maria and Lucia , sitting on a old couch with the springs sticking out.

I got one room follow me - Jr says

We gather out stuff from the front and walk down the hall.

What did it cost? I asked . Three bottles of Vicodin for the night the lady drives a hard bargain - Jr

Jesus - I rub my forehead .

I know but we need this, look at everyone. We are barely holding it together - Jr

I know I know . Good job.- I say as we walk up to our room .

We open the door to a medium sized room. It’s dusty with cob webs everywhere. It’s illuminated by one lightbulb in the center room. Two cots, a table, and a broken couch.

Well it’s certainly not the presidential suite- JR says

And um what’s wrong with josh ?- Jr

Josh is standing in the door way with a blank expression on his face

Here drink this - Maria says as she give Josh a bottle of water.

He’s in shock- I say

What did you see out there? - asks Ricky .

The grim reaper- josh finally speaks .

Here lay down - Maria puts him on the couch with a blanket.

Lucia go sit on the bed while we talk - Maria says.

This place isn’t safe. The reaper just executed a guy in front of everyone. - me

We can’t just leave we have no food and barley any water left - Maria

And just like that . We hear a roar of thunder and it begins to pour.

Well we definitely aren’t leaving now - Jr says

Let’s work on the food and water situation, JR stay here with Lucia and josh. Maria and I will go out and look for Something to eat and what ever you do don’t open this door until we’re back . I need you here , Josh can’t watch Lucia by himself - me

I got it - Jr says as he takes out the AK and begins to load it

As we leave the apartment and go out into the Compound, people are standing outside trying to collect rain water. They have buckets, cups, some are just cupping there hands together to collect as much rain as possible.

We continue to walk.

Is everything all right guapo ? - Maria looks at me and knows there’s something wrong.

I want to tell her everything and come clean about my illness but there’s a lump in my throat and I can’t seem to do it. Im scared. I don’t want her to judge me, or leave me, or think I can’t protect her and Lucia. I’m becoming more and more unstable as the days past . The depression and anxiety combined with no sleep and the delay in the medication is taking a toll on me. But I need to keep it together. Just a little longer. Once we make it to safety everything will change for the better.

I’m fine baby I’m just tired - I say as I kiss her on the forehead. It hurts to lie to someone you care about. But I can’t let her know the truth

Let’s go in here - I say as I change the subject

There’s basically just random things all over the place on make shift counters and tables . But I do spot a toy doll. It’s perfect for Lucia.

I grab the doll and go up to the man at the front . I take 3 pills out of the bottle before I get up there I don’t want him to know how much I have on me.

I’ll give you three of these for the doll.- I say

Them brand name pills you got ? He questions

Yes brand name -I reply

Well you got your self a deal. Pleasure doing business with you . He says and shakes me hand.

I give him the three pills and he immediately puts them in his mouth, walks out of the store and looks straight up for a few seconds then swallows the pills with the rain water.

Well that’s innovate to say the least - maria says to me as we walk out.

Desperate times call for desperate measures I guess - I reply

I spot a store with canned goods. We walk in.

As we look through the cans most of the stuff is expired but we do find a few hidden gems . Canned peaches , beans , carrots , and last but not least canned Tuna. I hate fish but then again, got to get my calories in.

Ooooo look! - Maria says as she grabs two boxes of chocolate chip cookies off a shelf

And there only expired by a month - she laughs

Could be worse - I say as I look for more cans.

I gather everything up and approach a woman at the front of the store.

I’ll give you two bottles of pain pills for all the supplies -me

She looks at me and then looks at the supplies

No thank you I got enough pain pills, what else you got - the lady asks

How bout these ? I pull out a bottle of uppers. We don’t have much to play with considering 1/3 of are stash was taking at the gate .

She takes the bottle from me. Reads the label.

Fine, now get out of here.

Maria puts everything into her back pack And we leave.

The rain is starting to pick up so me and Maria run back to the apartment building.

I’ve had a enough of that - Maria says as she puts he hair in a pony tail

I know hopefully it stops before tomorrow or it’s gonna be a long walk - me

We walk down the hall to our room and the doors open.

JR I told you to keep the door shut.. - I say as I walk in only to see The reaper standing in the middle of our room. Jr was sitting on the bed holding Lucy and josh is no where to be found.

Before I can even think about it my hand is on my pistol.

I wouldn’t do that if I were you - the reaper smiles

Two men with shotguns come in the room and stand behind us.

I’m here to thank you for the donation you made to our compound. Antibiotics are very hard to find these days - the reaper says as he walks around the room.

My daughter is sick and we need those pills - Maria pleads

Listen I’ll give you this whole bag of pain killers for half of the antibiotics- I say to the reaper

The reaper looks at Lucia and turns around to face us.

Well I appreciate your offer but I have to politely decline. I am a fair man though. I will give you a chance to win them back. - he stares at me.

What do you mean ? - I question .

Come to the pit at sundown. It’s on the left side of the compound. You’ll know it when you see it. - the reaper gives his guards a nod and they all leave.

Lucia are you okay ! Maria yells as she runs to Jr to take her.

I’m okay mommy - She says as she hugs Maria

You were very brave Lucia. I have a present for you - I say as I give her the doll.

Thank you Mr Michael - she says with a smile on her face

Let’s lay down Lucia - Maria says as she takes her to the bed.

What happened ? I ask JR.

Josh woke up and said he needed some air, he got up and left . I locked the door behind him. 20 minutes later . Boom! The doors fly’s open and the reaper is here. Then 5 minutes later you guys arrived - Jr explained .

What the hell - I say as I struggle for words.

We need to leave now - Jr looks at me

We need those antibiotics, you and Lucia are sick - I say.

I know I know- Jr replies .

Lucia is very warm and she’s still coughing - Maria says as she walks over.

I’ll go to the pit, i let Josh leave it’s on me - Jr responds

No . Your too sick. We can’t afford anything to happen to you. We are almost to safety. I’ll take care of it . I say as I look at Maria and then JR .

I can see the concern on there faces .

I’ll be back . I need some time alone. - I say as I walk out of the room and into the hall.

As I walk outside I see a store front that resembles a bar so I walk in

My breathing becomes very short, my chest is tight, I feel like I’m gonna pass out . Shit another panic attack. They are becoming more and more frequent.

I sit on a stool and count to 10 to try to get my heart rate back to normal.

What are you having ? - the bartender asks me

The strongest thing you got - I respond

My heart is still beating fast Bottoms up - he says and pours me a shot

Something to calm the nerves. I say to myself . I take the shot and immediately I can’t breath , my lungs are on fire

What is that! I say as I struggle to breath.

That’s moonshine, my secret recipe - He laughs

On the house - he says as he passes me a soda

My mouth and lungs are still on fire but the good thing is my anxiety is gone. I chug the soda and the pain subsides.

So what is the pit I hear everyone taking about - I ask the bartender.

That’s what keeps everyone sane - another customer says and sits at the bar .

It’s the reapers source of entertainment - the bartender says

What do you mean ? - I ask

Well you see there isn’t much to do around here. No tv, no internet, no movies . But there is still one activity that’s entertained humans for centuries. Fighting - the bar tender responds.

Every other night at sundown, everyone shows up to the fighting pit. 4 people volunteer to fight the reapers champion. And If you win, you get anything you want in the entire compound. It’s his sick form of entertainment. It gives the citizens something to look forward too. Without something like that this place would implode. Like that old saying an idle Mind is the devils workshop. - the customer says

Has anyone ever won - I ask

Ha! I’ve been here for about two months and I’ve seen one person win- the customer laughs

Blood sport. It keeps everyone entertained - says the bartender.

If your thinking about entering that fight , your gonna be in a world of trouble. We don’t exactly have the best medical care and they don’t treat the losers too kindly. - the bartender warns.

I think someone died two days ago - the customer chimes in.

Thanks for that- I say as I leave a few bullets on the bar for the bartender.

As I leave the store I hear the bartender say “ good luck”

I walk back to the apartment building and the rain begins to lighten up

Well that’s a plus- I say to my self

I open the door to the room.

No sign of Josh. Maria is sleeping on the second bed holding Lucia. She’s wheezing heavy. I feel her forehead and she’s on fire. JR Is sitting in a chair facing the door he looks sickly.

you don’t have to do this - Jr says to me.

We are a family . We take care of each other- I respond to him.

I’m sorry - Jr says as his eyes fill with tears.

Don’t wake them. I’ll be back. - I say as I look outside the window and see the sun is almost down.

I leave the room in silence and walk outside.

A herd of people are walking and talking so I follow them to the other side of the compound.

I reach the pit.

The pit is about the size of a boxing ring . It’s all dirt surrounded by four waist high wood walls. It’s illuminated by two big lights.

The crowd brings to settle in all Round the ring . I move my way to the front .

The reaper is in the center with his mega phone .

“ Are you ready” he yells into the megaphone .

the crowd screams and beings to chant CRUSHER CRUSHER CRUSHER.

Someone taps my shoulder I turn around and it’s one of the reapers goons .

Come with me - he says.

I follow him out of the crowd and we walk around to the right side of the ring. It’s blocked off to the rest of the citizens.

I catch my first glimpse of crusher.

Oh shit . Hes huge. Looks like he’s about 6’5 and at least 300 pounds. He’s shadow boxing in his corner.

Your number four. When it’s your turn I’ll bring you out - the goon says to me.

Our first contestant is Dave from Virginia- the reaper Announces

The boos ensue.

If you win you get your choice of anything In the whole Compound. What do you want Dave? The reaper asks.

Dave. Looks like he’s in his mid thirties not a big guy but not a small guy.

I want Unlimited beer!!! DAve yells and pumps his fists and jumps around.

Jesus. I say to myself.

The crowd begins to cheer

Settle down everyone. Thank you Dave. Make your way over to the blue corner. It’s almost show time.- the reaper says

Now out of the red corner, weighing at at whopping 350 pounds, standing at 6ft 6 inches. With a record of 250 wins and 3 losses I present Yuri The Crusher kholechk. - the reaper screams

The crusher joga the ring to the roar of the crowd.

Tonight the only rule is No rules. We’re fighting prison style. Boys and girls . Let’s fight. - he yells.

A bell rings and the fight begins.

They meet in the center of the dirt ring. People from the crowd begin to throw objects in the ring, Dave swings at the crusher and hits him right in the face . The crusher looks at him and laughs. Crusher cocks back and plants a left hook on Dave and he goes down immediately.

The crowd begins to laugh and cheer.

Crusher walks around the ring and picks up a bottle of beer that was thrown into the ring .

Dave begins to get back up and the crusher just kicks him back on to the ground .

Crusher takes the beer opens it and chugs it.

The crowd goes wild, they are screaming and banging on the wood corners of the ring .

The crusher takes the empty bottle. Smashes it on the wood and it’s shatters In half . Dave finally musters the strength to get up and charge forward to the crusher .The crusher turns around at the last second, takes the broken bottle and Jams it into Dave’s stomach. Dave goes down with a screech . We are watching him bleed out to his death .

The crowd cheers CRUSHER CRUSHER CRUSHER.

The reaper enters the ring, grabs The Crushers hand raises it in the air and yells WINNER BY UNANIMOUS MURDER THE CRUSHER.

Yuri bows and the crowd continues to cheer.

Let’s take a 5 minute break! Don’t forget to place your bets!!!. The reaper says into the megaphone.

I sit in silence. It’s scary knowing that I’m most likely going to die. But In a way I’m almost not scared. At least I know how and when it’s going to happen. And it makes me feel noble knowing that i am doing this for the people I love.

Look who decided to show up - the reaper says to me with a smirk

Looks like another perfect day for the crusher - he laughs and walks away.

Fight two begins and ends almost the same as the first. Another body dragged out of the ring. This time a snapped snack.

Fight three takes an interesting turn. The crusher looks tired, the guy he’s fighting now is running around the ring to tire him out. But it only worked for so long . The crusher gets his third win.

And our final victim of th..... Excuse me folks . I mean fighter of the night is Mike from Florida. - the reaper announces

The crowd boos

Showtime.

I’m trying to keep my anxiety under control. I’m focusing on my Breaths and trying not to hyper ventilate .

I step into the ring and go to my corner. Broken bottles, glass, and blood cover the dirt. The crowd begins to cheer as the crusher goes to his corner

Let’s fight - the reaper yells into the megA phone

The bell rings and immediately adrenaline courses through my veins. My flight or fight has kicked in. I have tunnel vision and everything is in slow motion.

The crusher sprints at me, my reflexes take Over. My body won’t allow me to die that easily. I move to the other side of the ring. He changes directions and comes at me again. I’m trapped in a Corner. He swings , I duck and counter with a right to the face. It doesn’t phase him. I see some daylight and slip out the of corner. Now were in the center of the ring . I throw a right hook and he grabs my fist .

Fuck, I’m in trouble . He Takes my arm and bends it backward.

It snaps. But I don’t feel it, I only hear it. I’m in shock. Then a brutal headbutt . I feel my nose explode. I’m on my back. The crusher is standing over me . I look to the right And try to move my arm to protect myself. Nothing. I’m pretty sure my arm isn’t supposed to bend that way. I’m trying to blink the blood out of my eyes as I struggle to breath from the blood that drips in to the back of my throat from my nose.

This is it. The crusher gets on top of me. The worst possible scenario. He raises his fist and I feel my face breaking after each punch connects. I can barely hear the crowd cheering anymore. another punch . I’m starting to fade in and out of consciousness. I look to my left I see Maria crying and screaming as JR holds her back. I don’t know if this is real or my brain is short circuiting from the trauma . I reach my hand hoping she pulls me out from underneath the crusher. Another punch and the crowd screams.

I am a god - the crusher yells to the sky

As my left hand drops to the ground I feel something . It’s sharp it must be shard of glass. I grab it. I look up and the has both of his fists clenched together as he raises them over his head. The kill shot. But before he finishes me I see jugular is exposed. With the rest of my strength and will I throw my left arm across my body with my shard of glass in my hand I go in for the kill.

Silence .

He grabs his throat and chokes for air. The blood pours out onto me. He keels over. My body isn’t being crushed anymore I can breath again. I roll back over on to my back. There is another figure standing over me. I can’t really see who it is but My only guess is the reaper coming to finish the job.

You did it guapo- Maria whispers into my ear. As her and Jr pick me up from the dirt .

I look into the crowd and they are stunned. They are still silent. In shock.

Put your weight on us - JR Says as him and Maria walk me out of the ring I see the blood stained sand and the crushers dead body.

I just killed a man. I took another mans life. I’ve been afraid of death my whole life and I just became what I’ve fears the most . Death.

I’m awake now. Im back in the room. I don’t remember much about the walk back. My left eye is swollen shut but out of my right eye I can see Maria and Jr staring at me.

Whoa whoa whoa Relax take it easy - JR Says as I try to get up.

Water- I try to say but my mouth is so dry.

Maria brings me a bottle and helps me drink.

My organs are thankful for that .

Bravo Bravo Bravo. The reaper says as he walks in the room

I am very impressed with that performance. He smiles

Please can we have the Medicine now - Maria pleads with him.

Of course - he says and goes to hand her The backpack.

But I think I have something else you would be more interested in- he says and pulls the bag back.

I struggle to sit up to look at reaper

He nods to one of his men. They drag josh into the room and throw him on the floor his mouth duct taped shut and hands cuffed behind his back. I can see the fear in his eyes.

We found your friend sneaking around the prison cells trying to break out the other prisoners and you see I can’t have a rebellion on my hands . So I have a new proposal . Your friend or the bag of medicine your choice - he says and looks directly into my eyes.

And I forgot to mention an act of treason is met by death. - the reaper laughs

Josh begins to whimper and cry. I see the tears roll down his face

I look at the horror in Maria and JRs face. Both their jaws are dropped.

I look at Lucia . Laying in the bed next to me . I can hear her wheezing and laboring to breath.

I have to make this decision. No one else will be able to live with the guilt. I promised Maria when we first met that I will take care of Lucia no matter what.

I’ll take the medicine - I say and Look right back in to the reapers eyes.

He looks shocked but hands the bag over to JR. He gives his men a nod and they pick josh up. They drag him out of the room as he’s cries and flails.

Before he leaves the reaper turns around and says You are one sick son of a bitch - then shuts the door behind him .

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hellogreenergrass · 7 years

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Signy Island - Week One

Apologies for the delay in writing anything from Signy. Its been a busy first month and things have only just quietened down. As you may know, I’m here to study a bug, one of the very few that live in Antarctica. Like many insects this one goes through metamorphosis: from larvae, to pupae to adult and then the eggs are laid and the adult dies. And that process happens only in the beginning of the Antarctic Summer. So my first few weeks have been occupied with me frantically trying to classify and experiment on these life stages, that you cannot get anywhere else at any other time. So busy that I’ve been here for one month and 4 days now and just had my first day off!

Im playing catch up, but thankfully keep a diary, so I’ll start posting up in weekly batches, hopefully with pictures to reflect the diary entries, if I can sort them all out!

WEEK 1

13th Dec - Elephant seals are massive. Think of a seal, quadruple it in size, then add a bit more. When they are sleeping they look like rocks and keep making me jump as I walk across the beach. To my naïve eyes at least! Massive farty, belchy, wobbly, angry rocks. Best not to try and climb on them. Said goodbye to my Shackleton friends today, bit emotional seeing them off. Just me and 4 others now on a pile of windswept rocks in the middle of the Southern Ocean.

14th Dec - I appear to have land sickness. This is horrid! Ashild, if you are reading this, Im so sorry you have to live with this! I feel pissed all the time, but without the gin. Which is a horrible deal. I’ve been on shore for 24 hours now and am still finding that the floor disappears from under my feet with the ‘swell’. Had to hold onto the door frame earlier to stop the big wave from making me spill my tea. Horror of horrors. The cabin is a long thin building built on a beach with sleeping quarters at one end and the labs at the other, and a windowless corridor running the length. Only in the living room in the middle of the building does it open up, so I have spent an unreasonable amount of time walking in the wrong direction, or having to go back to the lounge to orientate myself! Hope I get to grips with land soon. This is my punishment for getting away with sea-sickness.

Three Adelie penguins came by today! They bimbled around on the beach looking like recently amnesic castaways. They have the most ridiculous white markings around their eyes that make it look like if you shook them their pupils would shake around and eventually settle at the bottom, like the goggly eyes you get on toys.

Iain, our Glaswegian mechanic/plumber/electrician, set fire to his trousers today. He was cutting up steel in his work issued clothes, only to find that they are less than sparkproof. Upon realising that flames were consuming his leg, he nonchalantly pats them down, and carries on, later coming in with a hole the size of his head in his trousers. He does not fluster easily!

15th Dec - Had my first early shift this morning, up at 5.55am. Urgh. As we are on an Island, literally in the middle of nowhere, it is essential that everything keeps running smoothly. We have a reverse osmosis (RO) machine that converts sea water into drinking water, and diesel generators to power the base. If one broke, we would have a problem. If both went, we’d be cold and living off snow. Worse still, faults lead to fires, and fires lead to bad times. So we check everything at midnight each night, and again at 6am. First I go through to the generator shed, take the readings, check the engines for leaks and weirdness. Then to the RO room, make sure the reservoir is full and that all gauges read OK. Then up to the top store to check that the fridges and freezers that hold our food supply are all at the correct temperature. Rounds done, and now its my turn to make the days bread, and start prepping dinner. For when you are on earlies, you are also the cook for the day. And today Im making steak and ale pie!

Did the first part of field training today with Alex, our tame mountaineer who winters in Antarctica and summer as a Park Ranger in Alberta, Canada. He has a considerably heroic stature and a still, quiet manner. He dosen’t use words unnecessarily, but is quick witted when he does. He showed me how to use the archaic, but reliable Tilley lamps and Primus stoves that we have here. Same type that Scott and his team used back in the day. BAS sticking firmly to the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality there I think. We hiked out to the Gourlay Peninsular where we have a hut, and he showed me how to light the big Reflex stove we have there, all the while quietly getting the measure of me, and how I’d fair in the hills here.

17th Dec - Storm!! Im glad I got some of my samples in yesterday, lots of low cloud and waves are bringing in icebergs to our little cove. 09:40 – getting bigger! 12:30pm - HUGE! Waves smashing up the cliffs opposite and an enormous amount of ice pushed up onto the beach. I’ve set up the go-pro to film the ice coming in. First time Ive used it! 14:00 – The communication system has gone down, And Iain has just gone out to turn the RO pump off as the ice was churning up too much silt. Matt, our base commander of several years has never seen swell this big in the cove. The Shackleton is still out to see en route to Halley, I hope they don’t have this storm too. 18:15 – Storm is easing now. Cove is full of icebergs , and the moss banks behind us are slipping with the weight of the water from the sleet/snow downpour. Exciting. 21:00 – I put the go-pro up upside down….fail.

On the plus side, the land sickness is finally wearing off. Bit exhausted.

18th Dec - Stacey and I put up Christmas decorations today! All the joyous tat that my Dad used to buy from Trago Mills when I was a kid. Tinsel is now EVERYWHERE! The living room resembles the inside of a dodgy members club circa 1992. Especially as we wrapped tinsel around the dart board.

Elephant seals have been playing in the ice floes from the storm today, silently drifting around in it. Occasionally easing their heads through the ice, slowly upwards looking to the sky. They seem relaxed by it. I imagine this to be a seal equivalent of a spa day.

20th Dec – Finished my field training today by revising my winter mountaineering skills, going over snow belays, ice/snow ascents and the like. Knee held up OK, although it felt wobbly descending, but that’s to be expected, not having an ACL or much cartilage and that. Ripped a hole in my bloody trousers with my crampons. Second pair of Patagonia trousers I’ve done that too now! Lack of co-ordination aside, I passed field training and am now ready to be let loose upon the Island!

#antarctica #penguin #field science #british antarctic survey #free range scientist

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