#im speaking about both a specific instance that is happening rn and one that has been happening for months

[ralexsol]

i love when i make plans with other people and im super on top of it and everyone agrees to the plan. and then lo and behold nobody else goes with the plan

[creepywing]

ok since im not very interested in dsmp anymore and therefore never gonna write it heres a summary of one of my dsmp au ideas

OK so it was one of those space aus. Basically crimeboys are humans who were abducted into space and eventually like escaped. the kidnappers were less evil than in other aus ive read like they treated them like ppl would treat like lab animals i guess but like. they discovered they were sentient or smrh and still kept them and taught them to speak their language instead of letting them go like ppl. Anyway so bc of that they have a bit of an advantage existint in space i guess.

the actual story starts with them both staying in a random persons house bc thats basically what theyve been doing since they escaped. also the random person in this instance is eret. an uhhh they have also stolen like illegal documents ir smth like thag in an attempt to try snd get back to earth and eret finds them and is like Omg im harbouring criminals ! and fucking gets them arrested (haha get it its like when that happened in . lmanberg. or smth haha)

Anyway uhhh so they are in JAIL!!! uhh fuckin idk i guess they hid they were human somehow so they were shitting themselves bc they dont know how theyll be treated? i guess idk anyeay tommys cell has an escape and is like Omg wilbur ill come back for you king and so he leaves and breaks into erets house and confronts eret while hes there and also explains fhe situation and erets like OMG SHIT IM SORRY so tommy takes his shit and leaves .

uhh wikburs stilll in jail and jack manifolds also there and he keeps going on about how his poweful friends will come get him out Yeah yeah weve all heard that before. anyway a spaceship breaks into the jail and saves jack LOL. (its the syndicate bc jacks friends with niki) and wilbur sneaks on the ship.

Meanwhile i think tommy finds quackity and they become besties and quackitys like i know who could help you find your friend... (maybe he went back for wilbur and found him gone or smth idk) and quackity sends him off to some Place

Meanwhile meanwhile wilburs sneaking around the ship like vents maybe and falls into ranboos room and ranboos like A HUMAN?? and wilburs like Ummm whats a human and how do you know what that is. and ranboos like.Um i saw it in a book and wilbur successfully gaslights ranboo into not knowing what a human is and also not telling everyone else about him

so tommy goes to the weird place and finds tubbo whose some goat alien guy and tubbos like yo so quackity told me yeah yeah come on ill take you to snowchester and we csn use my cool computer to do it(idk what it is i could never figure that out) also micheals there lol some piggy alien

uhghhhh i guess theres a gap here but it turns out tubbos owns his own moon (snowchester) that he lives on with his- Well they usually use a specific word in tubbos language to describe it so .. his partner. whose away rn btw.

so tubbo and tommy get there and tubbbos sets up his shit while tommy looks around the room and is like huh this rooms looks weirdly familiar??? like in little ways.. and as hes looking around he notices paper with writing znd it says "Tubbo ranboo micheal" and hes like Well thats a normal thing to have WIAT THATS IN ENGLISJ and he goes Heeeyyy tubbo. (Panicking. what if this guy kidnaps humans wtf ?) How do tou know what english is. AND SUDDENLY HE GETS SLAMMED INTO THE WALL WITH A KNFE TO HIS NEck

meanwhile wilbur gets caught. obviously and is explaining the situation and everyones like Oh yeah understandable we will help. and somehow magically realise OMG tommys with tubbo! then they conviently get a call from tubbo on like the Big main screen thing so everyone can see

So tommys like SHIT IM GONNA DIE but then tubbos like. In english. how do YOU know ehat english is ? and tommy just goes HOLY SHIT in english and shoves tubbo off and reveals himself as omg im human AND IT TURNS OUT TUBBOS HUMAN TOO HOW WILD. they like laugh or smth znd then tubbos Magic Machines find wilbur on the syndicate ship, who he has access to like Ring bc ranboos there (the word from tubbos language was Husband btw) so they ring the syndicate and

Uh oh tubbos still visibly human so all the syndicates like Hey whose that and ranboos like TUBBO. and then omg happy reunion whatever idk im not.good with endings YEAH i planned thsy whole thing and never wrote it

on the off chznce anyone likes this and wants to write it PLEASE do and also tell me pls

[lunatic-fandom-space]

Comparing RWBY and YGO DM: The Handling and Evolution of Themes

Hey! Its been a hot minute since I last posted anything RWBY-related but Im laying in my bed right now and Im sick and bored so I guess we're doing this. Today I will do my best to analyze what I percieve to be the main themes and messages of both of these shows, or more specifically, how theyre handled narratively. Im mostly focusing on that part because, while these series do have similar themes and messaging, they are still a few things in which they are wildly different. And with that, lets start with this essay-post-thing!

1. Theres something we need to adress first

Okay so, before we can really talk about this, theres something I feel the need to clarify here: Neither of these stories was "planned from the beginning".

Now, I dont think a story being planned from the beginning or not nesscessarily makes the story any better or worse by default, however, it is still important to acknowledge because the way the story is planned is going to affect every facet of it. Things are not going to be foreshadowed properly, things are gonna be set up only for nothing to come of it, the story might drastically change directions, characters might act differently, etc, etc.

And, this is bit off-topic but, it's much better to just admit that the story was not planned than trying to pretend that it was. Like, there are a lot of reasons why I tend to be so forgiving towards YGO even though its not very good, but one of them is definitely the fact that, as far as Im aware atleast, the guy who wrote it isnt pretending to have had this big master plan all along and neither is the fandom. With RWBY on the other hand... yeaaaah, its kinda the opposite. From what Ive seen of RWBYs fandom, there seems to be this pretty popular narrative that everything was planned even though it clearly wasnt. Thats pretty bad and honestly lowers my opinion of the writers so much more than if they would just admit to not having a proper plan.

Like, I initially consumed YGO like this: Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters, Yu-Gi-Oh (aka Season 0), like, a quarter of the Yu-Gi-Oh manga (I still havent finished it)

In all three of these we have the character of Yami Yuugi, or just Yami. Broadly speaking, he is an ancient egyptian gamer spirit who lives in a magical puzzle that has not been solved for 3000 years until this highschooler named Yuugi Mutou comes along and solves it, thus setting him free and allowing him to possess Yuugi and have access to the vague magical powers of the puzzle.

In Duel Monsters he's perfectly fine most of time, morally speaking. There is an instance of him almost murdering a guy and its a bit unclear what exactly happens to those he mindcrushes but overall he's very much a pretty good guy. In Season 0 most of what he does is set up these games for bad people, where they will go insane no matter what they do. From how I understand this whole Shadow Game, Penalty Game stuff, if you lose a Shadow Game, you get violent and intense hallucinations and you will always cuz yknow, gamer spirit. But if you try to cheat, which most of the bad people do in this show, you get violent and intense hallucinations as a punishment.

Since the two anime are generally considered two different continuities, its perfectly fine that Yamis characterization is wildly different in both of them. But in the manga both of these characterizations appear, basically one after the other with no real arc or consequences, for that matter. Why is that? Simply put, someone thought it was a good idea to try to turn an episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror manga into a more traditional, more plot-driven battle shounen. From what Ive heard, it was apparently largely because of network interference or something, but the point is, it changed directions incredibly drastically with little planning and everyone knows this and I can understand that for the most part.

In RWBY we have the character of Blake Belladonna, who, in the first 3 volumes/seasons atleast, was this aloof, more toned down loner-type character with a pretty strong sense of justice. She's an in-universe marginilized racial minority and she clearly cares about racial injustice. The way its initially framed makes it seem like she had a very hard life and no stable support system, which is what eventually pushed her to join a Civil Rights group/Terrorist organization (good god, the Faunus subplot is so awful, I could write a whole essay about it but Im already de-railing rn so I'll just save that for later).

Then, in volumes 4-5 it turns out her father is actually like, the mayor or chief of this island-place called Menagerie and she grew up in this big mansion with multiple guards/servants. Oh and also, apparently "space is a commodity" on there, so theres that. She still retains large parts of her personality but she's kinda like, worse somehow I think. I cant really describe it in a meaningful way but I hope you get what Im saying anyway. Then in Volume 6 she confronted her emotional abuser Adam (sorry for not mentioning him sooner but yeah, he was like, her abusive boyfriend, which is something that a lot of people disagree with but I wont really say anything about it either way because I dont really feel any specific way) with her friend, Yang, and ended up killing him.

After all that, she pretty much lost the rest of her personality, as well as her arc about all the Faunus stuff. She just kinda became the meek, generically nice, recovering abuse victim. Why? Well, the actual reason is that they didnt plan out shit and are just kinda flying by the seat of their oversized clown-pants and if they and the fandom just admitted it, I would have less of an issue. I still wouldnt be as forgiving towards RWBY as I am towards YGO because the crux of the issue, for me, is just that I dont particulary like RWBY but also like. Do you really expect me to take MKEK seriously as writers after admitting to not have a timeline because iT wOuLd CaUsE pLoThOlEs?

However, since they want us to believe that everything was planned out from the beginning, the explaination would be.... Idk, they deliberately butchered one of their main characters?? Because.. they hate her?? Maybe????

So yeah, that was quite a detour however, I would like you to keep this mind going forward.

2. Themes of the Early Series'

First, what do mean by 'Early Series' for both of these shows respectively? Well, for YGO that would have to be Season 0 or if youre reading the manga, everything pre-Duelist Kingdom. Basically, the part of the series thats a episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror series.

For RWBY that would be the first three Volumes, also known as the Poser-Era. Back then it was just kinda an action series that took place at Anime Warrior Academy (also known as Beacon) with some pretty bare minimum worldbuilding, character-driven plots and developments but now its more of an epic high-fantasy story with more of an emphasis on plot as opposed to just action.

The themes and messages in Early YGO are kinda vague, very confusing to me and if you were to follow any of it literally that would be pretty bad. For now Im just gonna say the main themes are Friendship and Identity and mostly focus on the Identity aspect.

Now, it took me a little while to figure out RWBYs deal but I think the main themes for Volumes 1-3 are also Friendship and Heroism. Once again, I'll mostly focus on Heroism and touch on Friendship more briefly later.

I dont have much more to add to YGOs themes right now, so I'll briefly go over Heroism in RWBY.

In RWBYs setting there are these man-eating monsters called Grimm that have basically infected the planet. In order to deal with that, they have people called huntsmen and huntresses that kill them and protect people. Theyre trained at special academies like Beacon and go on missions there and stuff like that. Our four main characters, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang, are training to become huntresses and one day they go on this mission to clean up a grimm infested city block with one of their teachers. Obviously, that takes a long time so they have to camp out in one of the empty houses. Weiss, Blake and Yang cant sleep because theyve been thinking about this question that their teacher asked them when they were fighting grimm: "Why do you want to become a huntress?"

They have a heart to heart and we find out about their motivations; Weiss wants to bring honour back to her family, Blake want to distance herself from the White Fang (that terrorist organization I mentioned earlier) and as an extension from Adam, Yang wants to have a life of adventure. They also talk about why Ruby wants to be a huntress and it turns out that she judt wants to help people. Unlike the others, she has no motivation besides that. We're meant to listen to that and look at her as a sort-of personification of Heroism: kind, but not naive, strong and most of all, selfless. The others on her team are not portayed as bad for not being like Ruby by any means but we are clearly meant to admire her the most out of all of them.

Okay, now comes the part Ive been looking forward to the most:

3. How did these themes evolve in the Modern Series'?

Alright, before we can really delve into the way they evolved in YGO I'll have to give you a brief summary of the character progression. At the start of DM, during the Duelist Kingdom arc, Yami Yuugi is just that; A darker Yuugi. Hes more confident, bolder, his voice is deeper, hes somehow taller, more ruthless, all that good stuff. Notably, he doesnt actually seem more skilled than Yuugi even at the start of this story, but he's still dependent on Yami. Yami on the other hand, has no identity of his own or even hints at one at this point. He's just The Other Yuugi.

Then during the Battle City arc, they find out that Yami was actually a pharao prior to being sealed in the puzzle, he just didnt know because of amnesia, I guess. So now they need to find out his real name and then send him to the afterlife because hes meant to be dead, but not before saving the world from being swallowed by darkness, which is also a thing they have to do now.

Then we finally get to the Memory World arc, where Yami, Yuugi and the rest of the gang astralproject to ancient egypt via puzzle magic. Yami is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who all these familiar people are, while Yuugi & Co are trying their best to help him. Then some weird shit happens and it turns out that all of that is not just Yamis sealed away memories, but also a giant D&D Shadow Game that will destroy the world if Yami loses. So now theres Pharao!Yami who is still clueless on the metaphorical and literal playing field and Player!Yami, who is kinda controlling himself now? I guess?? Yamis opponent, The Spirit of The Ring, has something similar to that going on where hes both controlling and properly participating in the game. So Player!Yami is now fighting against Player!TSoTR, Pharao!Yami is now fighting against Thief King Bakura (who is like, the human, ancient egyptian version of the Ring Spirit) and Yuugi is now fighting against Yami Bakura (who is like, the human, modern japanese version of the Ring Spirit). Yuugi gets Yamis real name, he and the gang go over to Pharao!Yami and tell him his name, meanwhile Player!Yami is also somehow helping as well and they defeat the Ring Spirit, thus saving the world. Then they travel to modern Egypt, the Ceremonial Duel happens and Yuugi wins, sending Yami to the Afterlife where he can finally rest and that was the series!

I originally wanted to recount the stuff that was going on with the Ring Spirit and his host as well because they parallel eachother, but this summary is already far too long and I think youll get the point without me needing to explain any more.

My point here is, that the story went from being vaguely about Identity, maybe? to being very clearly about Self-Discovery and Learning to Be Independent. I think this is a very good way to evolve the messaging of your story. How does RWBY track on that?

Well, uh... its not great. I will acknowledge that they have tried to introduce new themes and ideas since, even though I wont really be talking about them in this post. But yeah, the whole Heroism thing really regressed.

Like, I didnt explicitly say it when I was explaining grimm earlier, but theyre not going away. The grimm have always been there and people who sign up to become huntsmen and huntresses are effectively signing up for a job that will never truly be done, no matter what they do. Characters like Ruby and even more minor ones like Phyrrah have shown us that that doesnt matter when youre a hero. No life isnt worth saving, no grimm isnt worth killing, no criminal isnt worth arresting. Then, in volume 6 they find out about Salem. Salem is the Big Bad of the show, shes immortal, controls the grimm and is supposed to be very powerful.

What do our heroes do? They give up. Sike! They were just mindcontrolled by monsters or some shit, of course they didnt give up their mission (which is to bring an Important Macguffin to a city called Atlas, sorry I didnt mention it)!

But then they arrive in Atlas (which is llike, a city thats floating over another city called Mantle) and yknow, they do some plot stuff thats not really important right now until the city gets invaded by Salem and this big grimm army she has.

What do our heroes do? Well, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and some side characters are chilling, drinking tea in a mansion and Yang and the B Team were actually trying to do something, but even those efforts seem incredibly minimal.

Oh wait, I also forgot to mention that Ironwood (a fairly minor, vaguely antagonistic character up until now) wanted to lift Atlas even higher to save Atleasian civilians from danger while leaving Mantle vulnerable to Salems invasion.

What would be the most heroic thing to do?

A) Let Ironwood lift Atlas, get as much support as they can down to Mantle and save as many Mantle civilians as they can from the invasion

B) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas but then split up in order to protect both Atlas and Mantle civilians

C) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas and then dont do anything else

Congrats! If you choose C, you think exactly like the writers!

And I just

This is so mindboggling to me, I feel like I shouldnt even have explain how this is bad. And like, it wouldve been so easy to actually make them seem herokc through their actions, to make it seem like they did try but no.

I have never seen a central theme be this botched, how in the world did they do that? Why did they think it was a good idea for Ruby "The Embodiment of Heroism" Rose to sit in a mansion doing nothing, no planning, no organizing just ..... God, how are they this bad? Like, this doesnt even have anything to do with it being planned in any way, this is just straight up incompetence

4. Very briefly touching on friendship

The friendship is awful and its not solely because they all have the same opinions. They barely interact with eachother outside their designated pairs which leads to it all feeling incredibly hollow. Theyre also practically indistingushable from one another now, which is a shame because it wasnt always like that. Like, I dont think the characters were that well-developed in earlier volumes but they were very well-characterized. But now we've gotten to a point where you can literally copy and paste one characters dialogue onto another and literally nothing changes, it really sucks.

5. Some closing words

Damn, this took way longer than I thought it would and now Im pretty exhausted. I have no idea how yall always write these but props to you! I feel like this ended up a bit rambly but overall, Im pretty proud.

Please let me know what you think of the points I brought up! Id also really appreciate some tips on how to get better at these longer posts because I am planning on writing more in the future (not the near future, probably but yknow).

Thats all I have to say for now, thanks for reading!

[riskeith]

awwww i’m here now darling so you better feel amazing <33333

ok miss i see the subtle flex you just pulled on me, just say your team is op and go... :pp jk!! no but yeah if you’re stronger than the goddamn bosses it usually goes easily. can’t say i’ve seen those days in a while tho rip

YOU ARE MY BABY!!!!!! you could do a doodle for me and i’ll literally cry abt it until i die. ooooh that seems good tho??? especially ningguang and beidou... the ladies are making a comeback 🥴 i agree with you actually!! i’d love for chongyun to come back (so you can get his c6 mostly) and for selfish reasons i want razor to come back to... bc boy scouts. i really want the boy scouts... hope it happens soon tho 🥺

speaking of boy scouts i just got him.... xingqiu.. i felt so bad bc i know how much you want him... :( but i didn’t get any xiangling so. i lost successfully shskdhsk. also I WISH they had cross-server co-op more than ever at this moment bc then we could do our chongyun + xingqiu dates... 🥺

cluna you’re literally so cool! you work through them? help couldn’t be me. i get super annoyed and if it’s not working i’ll just let it go and write something else instead shskdhdksk. for instance, i was working on this fic two months ago and i got really far into it when i hit a writers block. so, its just been collecting dusts for months now. a couple days ago i accidentally stumbled upon it and realize the potential it had so i might pick it up sksjdkd. i was literally prepared to just let it rot like so many other fics i write. so yeah idk sometimes i just give up because it’s easier even if it hurts me bc i spent so much time writing them sjshdkdj. yikes.

right?? and when you write a fic that takes place during the day you can get inspired by the atmosphere outside!! and yes!! i have to study outside i can’t get anything done at home. i used to be able to do that when i was younger but now it feels sooo impossible. especially with online school and stuff. either i go to a library, cafe or school. although most of these are closed now so i have to book a room somewhere to study. do you have a specific area at home where you write or can you just sit down anywhere and study?

for sure!! if i had the space i’d absolutely consider buying more books. right now i just have them scattered around everywhere (even some in my makeup drawer shdjdh). do you have a bookshelf? 🥺 that’s so pretty...! what are some of your other favorites btw? oh grade school is basically class 1 to 9... so from 6 years old to 15? girl no worries i know how difficult it is to understand all of that. when my friends used to explain their countries school systems before i’d just sit like owl eyes.

THE ALBEDO FANART!!!!! during his quest i took sooo many screenshots god he’s just perfect. he’s such a gentle and sweet boy ughhhhh.... he’s been gone for 2 days and i already miss him. and xiao and aether are just... yeah... i love how everyone ships aether with the boys yet i don’t think i’ve ever seen lumine shipping fanart? let’s just say gay rights and leave it at that.

BEFORE I CLICKED ON THE LINK I HAD A FEELING IT WOULD BE THAT POST.... literally us!!!! don’t make one in america no worries!! idk why my acc was set to that lmao. i’ll make one in asia tonight and just hustle for a few weeks until i reach co-op (i think it was ar 15?) plus i really want aether so i’m kind of not so stressed about it tbh? god i’m actually so exciiiiiteeeeed...... 😭 you gotta promise you’ll help me with domains and bosses tho you’re gonna be at a much higher rank than me while i’ll just be a little nooby girl. 😭

thank you so much for the encouragement!!! ♥️

today i didn’t keep you waiting too long, hehe. i missed you too much. but you’re porobably asleep now though :( oh well, can’t wait to hear from you my love <333

hiya!! i’m still up bc i miscalculated the length of a fic chdjcnskjd and thought to check if you’d sent anything before i went to sleep!! made me v excited to see there was not only 1 but 2 asks from you hehe (also it’s 2am rn so apologies for any incoherence!!)

AHAHAH fjskdjskdn genuinely tho,,, i’m really happy with my team rn LOL. and noooo you’ll get there someday!! before your world level increases and you’re stuck being many levels below the bosses again fhdjdjkd it’s a cycle 😩

NFKSKDLAKS i wish i could manage even a doodle… drawing hair is literally my worst nightmare (along with drawing anything else tbh) and all the genshin charas have such complex layered hair ugh it’s like they don’t want me to even try. yass beiguang (idk if that’s their ship name) actual queens 👑. razor!!!! what a good boye. i love his idle animation so much, pls he deserves everything 🥺🥺 and you deserve to get the boy scouts!!! can’t wait for that day to come <33

AHHH!!!! no don’t feel bad i’m so happy for you omg… live out all my xingqiu-having dreams for me please 😩😩😩😩 our xingyun dates!!!! some day it’ll be a reality <333

DHJAJSHS nooooo fuck writer’s block 😤😤😤 but i hope you’re able to finish that fic now!! (vaguely, if you prefer) what’s it about? also i have plenty of fics/ideas just rotting too, but that’s usually bc i get caught up in a new idea which i like more ? i think? lmao so yeah i definitely do give up on my fics too omg wait do you have those fics where you’re like omg this concept is god tier i’m so big brained and then you write out a scene and then it’s like … wtf do i do with this now? HAHAHAH like my attention span is slowly too short to write any long af fics, i can’t stay dedicated or interested enough for that but a lot of the ideas i have have the potential to be those 300k 40 chapter slow burn etc etc so there are so many docs in my drive that are just. works with like 2-3 written scenes and an entirely fleshed out plan but i know i’ll never actually end up writing it bc of aforementioned factors lolllll. that’s another reason why i think about just releasing all my wips some day! so people can see all the ideas im unable to execute jfjsndns. do you [like] writing super long fics like that? i admire your tenacity if you do ahah

agreeeeeed <3 and oh i see!! i always feel like people who don’t study at home are so studious fjskdksk it gives off that kinda vibe for me 🤪 and i have a study! so i usually do most of my work there. sometimes tho when i get bored and if i’m not watching a lecture i’ll sit on my couch or on the floor and change things up a bit lolol

djxkkakdks omg don’t let your makeup ruin the books.. or is the makeup more important djskskks. i do have a bookshelf!! it has like… 6 levels? and it’s all full 😳😳 other faves are defs the hunger games (catching fire >>>>>>>>) and you know the others like percy jackson, divergent, the mortal instruments. oh and the maze runner!!!!!!! the prequel (? sequel???) is probably one of the recent books i’ve actually read, even tho that was like back in 2017 lmao. i liked the john green stuff too.. just a lot of the like. basic ones LMAO. hbu??

6-15??? damn that’s an interesting range djsksk i guess the closest for us would be primary school which covers ages 6-12!

albedo is legit SO prettt and for what. his hair, his eyes, his soft spoken manner. ugh 😩😩😩 and taking a bunch of screenshots is a big mood!! ooo i’ve seen some lumine ones but yeah def not a lot ! (i know there’s discourse surrounding that lmao) but yes gay rights 😤 wait that reminds me i saw the cutest razor pic the other day and saved it i’ll show you when i’m in a more awake state to attach the image fjdjnd

!!!!!! ours minds… actually connected 🧠

okay that sounds good!!! and yeah wtf why does co-op unlock so like late lol let us play together NOW 😤 and good luck with starting again!! and have fun with aether hehe we’ll be able to have both ours meet 🤪🤪 AND YES I PROMISE!!!! i’ll carry you until we’re both the same AR and we can suffer fighting bosses together <3 you can just sit back and watch me do all the work 🤪 i’m super excited too!!! 🤩🤩🤩 and thank you for doing thisss even tho i know you said you don’t mind but still!! 💗💘💝💕💓💗💞

no problem!!! i believe in you!!! ❤️❤️❤️

eagerly (but patiently) anticipating your response~ xo!

[charmingpplincardigans]

hideyseek replied to your post

“I went into therapy today fully expecting to spend most of it as an...”

hello! idk (sorry if this is being Nosy And Bad) but if you might be willing to share some of the methods you're using to combat that? these are feelings that i have ab relationships also and idk im not v good at dealing w/ them rn

Hokay! So I’ve been thinking about this, because I feel like I have to do a lot of mental and emotional work to keep ahead of myself in this department*, but really all that I keep coming back to is openness and honesty. Every morning I wake up and remind myself that, bare minimum, I just have to take deep breaths and show up. Then I make myself do it. Some days it’s easier than others.

(*This is the Not Letting Myself Run Away From Otherwise Healthy Relationships Even Though Everything In Me Is Screaming To For Not Good Or Healthy Reasons department for those who missed it.)

The ‘all’ there is not meant to imply that openness and honesty are easy. They are frequently not easy things for me one on one. None of you reading this, my overshare of a Tumblr, will believe that, but it’s very different to tell the void about the things that scare you than it is to tell a real human who might want to kiss your face. Like, I’m not going to lose anything if the void decides it doesn’t want to kiss my face after all, you know? (Look, there are just a lot of you, no one has that kind of time. ♥)

And it’s not that I want to be dishonest, it’s just that I spent so much of my last relationship (all thirteen years of it) not saying things, so it’s become a habit that I have to actively work to break. In my life in general and in that relationship specifically I have sometimes been penalized for my excitement, for my interests, and for the writing or art I want to do which other people do not find important enough. So I sort of started to stuff a lot of that away, and then that bled into everything else. I became afraid to say perfectly human things, to share my feelings, even the positive ones, for fear that they’d be read as too much and scare the other person off. There toward the end I could be lying in bed next to him wanting to touch him, but physically incapable of moving to do it. There was just an invisible wall there. I had become fearful of even the things we both wanted, afraid that I was just too bad or wrong to be desired.

So, that’s sort of what I’m working with and against here and in this instance I’ve mostly just been talking too much to counteract that terror. I’ve made myself have frank discussions about the things I’m most afraid to bring up: my fears, sex stuff, things in my past that have Made Me A Basket Case, etc. I find it both easier and harder to have these conversations. It’s hard while I’m having them. Sometimes my hands shake or I take too long to answer. But it’s also easier to have those things out of the way, to not be sitting here in a big ball of anxiety over how my fears and worries are going to manifest and ruin everything. Because like, she knows now that I have these fears and worries, and I’ve made it so that they’re not off limits to discuss. They’re just there, terrifyingly available for access and able to be built upon as we move forward. Because here’s the thing, I’m not going to magically excise my fear and wake up perfect and easy to know. It has taken me at least five years and a lot of work to even get this far. I can try to become the best version of myself possible, but becoming takes time, time which will be easier to go through with someone who understands in my corner. 

My therapist asked me what it was I was afraid of most and honestly, it always comes back to my fear that I’m going to hurt the other person with my carelessness or general me-ness. I’m just so terrified of becoming a thing that happens to other people. I don’t want to negatively affect them so my default state is to try to blend into the background and not make any impression on them whatsoever. Which, as you might imagine, makes for bad relationship management both romantically and platonically! It’s hard to build connections if you’re only willing to give part of yourself away, but it’s hard to give all of yourself away if you’re afraid you’re a gift no one wants, and THAT’S just a mobius strip of awful I’ve spent my whole life trying to cut up.

Since I’m not going to magically wake up as a perfect human and neither are you, here are some action bullets:

Practice taking up space, both mental and physical. This person is trying to have a relationship with you because they want you there, so be there. We’re long distance, so I do this by trying to message her first at least as many times as she messages me first, which I know sounds very ‘well duh’ but like, when you’re afraid of being in the way it’s a hard thing to do. It’s hard for me to do, but I never regret it.

Remember that space goes both ways. Let them know how you’re feeling, but also ask how they’re feeling. It’s totally fine to message or speak with the person and say ‘hey, I’m struggling today and won’t be a fun chat, but I just wanted to say hi and see how your day was.’ That will sometimes take some hard emotional work to make space in your otherwise full mental load, but you want this relationship because you want this person in your space, so you have to make them feel welcome in it.

Be clear about your love language. (Ie, things you need from a relationship, things you want from a relationship, and things you do not want from a relationship.)  We all want different things from relationships and the thing that ate away at my last relationship was that we were trying to give each other what we ourselves wanted and then becoming put out when the other person didn’t accept it with an open heart. I mean, we were also a little bit trying to give the other person what they might have wanted ten years ago and then being put out when they weren’t grateful that we remembered, but people change. Which I guess brings me to....

Allow for and foster growth in yourself and in them. People are not stagnate beings. We’re all in flux all the time as we learn things about ourselves and the world. Be excited to learn new things about the other person and try not to let any one version of them calcify in your mind. 

Be as open as you’re comfortable being. There will always be things you don’t want to share with another person. None of us are perfect. None of us are without fear. None of us have lived a blame free life. But while it’s tempting to think you can save the other person from those pieces of yourself by hiding them away, that’s not usually how it plays out. The things you guard and fear are just as much a part of you as the things you share and they will affect the way you live, which will affect the other person. I’m not saying you have to share your memoir on the third date, just be aware of how you are living in your surroundings and if the other person still feels comfortable in your space.

Most of all, try to be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself and show yourself the grace you would show others. if you can do this for yourself it will become easier to let others do it for you as well. I’m very bad at this, but I’m getting better. Life is hard enough, you know? Let people love you, even if you’re having trouble loving yourself. Especially if you’re having trouble loving yourself. 

Uh, in typical me fashion that was a lot and might not be helpful at all! But it is what I’ve been doing. Just taking deep breaths and showing up as much as I can. I’m never going to be perfect. I’m never going to have no fears or shake off my past. If I try and wait for any of that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be. So. Take deep breaths and show up. Once you do that anything can happen.