#im such an awful daughter. im such a bad person. im so worthless. i hate myself for hurting her | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pnwswiftie · 5 years

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I felt owned by an employer once. He was sexist and baited me into working for him only to turn the tables and gaslight me. And to be honest I’ve never pin pointed the feeling that has sat in my gut about him until recently; until watching my idol go through the same thing on a large scale in front of the world, until what has happened, what has been happening to Taylor Swift in her industry.

Mine was a veterinary surgeon whom I worked with in the past. I left the veterinary field and started a new career. The Vet (we will call him) moved away and when he came back he contacted me with a new idea to start his own practice.

He painted me a beautiful picture of what this clinic would be like. He said he couldn’t do it without me and promised me the world. I still remember the phone call where he said the words- “you will be my practice manager, my right hand, you could run the show and have a handsome career, I’ll make sure you are set for life, you will have an opportunity to buy into the company as well, to profit share.

He offered to pay me whatever my current job paid me. I didn’t jump at saying yes. I worked so hard to be where I was and this was a big risk. My now husband was hesitant and didn’t trust him 🚩 but supportive of whatever I chose (love him). Well, im the only one of me so a month later I took the jump and put in my notice. I trusted him.

I was hired on with one other person. A male, roughly my same age, overall a nice dude. We will call him Sam. I was in charge of all operations of the front desk and all aspects of the business side of things. I started every excel sheet for income tracking, taxes, inventory. I created every document, I created the scheduling program, I set up every vendor accounts. I scanned every piece of paper that came into the clinic doors, I set up our benefits. I answered phones I handled every single client. I visited clinics and preached to people our vision, so they would refer to us (we were a referral based clinic) on my days off. I did it ALL. I also scrubbed into surgery with the Vet and Sam, as there were only 3 of us running the entire show. If the phone rang, I would answer on a headset under my face mask and handle a client or clinic call right there, scrubbed in. I didn’t mind, I felt proud to show off my multitasking skills. He would give a little wink and a joke and the validation felt nice, like I earned his approval 🚩 when I did something above and beyond.

About a year went by and I was rolling in hard earned money, that’s for sure. I was working 7 am to 10 pm some days so I always had overtime. Sam was responsible for 1 thing- patient care, and I was responsible for LITERALLY everything else you could possibly think of. 🚩Needless to say I was getting worked to the BONE 🚩 . I was cool with it tho, this is what I signed up for right? We were growing and successful and getting BUSY!

One day I accidentally found out the pay gap 🚩between myself and Sam. I had been completely naive to the fact that we were not equals, nor was I getting paid “management” but that he made SUBSTANTIALLY more than me. I gave it some energy for a couple days and vented to my husband, then I let it go. Sam was nice, it’s not his fault. 🚩Maybe he’s just worth more than I am to the company, I told myself. 🚩Maybe he has a past history I didn’t know about that made him more valuable. It definitely should have been my red flag 🚩

My relationship with the Vet was kind of like a daughter and father but 🚩 only on his terms. Fun and playful and lots of “your our boss lady!”. It would also take very odd turns, 🚩 having to do small tasks outside my morals. In the office he would call me “the office manager, the boss, it’s all up to you, hospital administrator!” yet on the phone would call me 🚩 “the front desk person” 🚩“my receptionist” to other veterinarians. It bothered me, a lot, but I pushed it away. 🚩Who am I to be that nit picky over a title? 🚩He probably didn’t mean it or misspoke, I thought.

The tricky part is that I only have little under the radar examples of his abuse. 🚩 The ones you can’t QUITE put your finger on, that you can’t QUITE justify quitting on the spot but make you feel 🚩 worthless. They continued every day. He was incredibly sweet and funny, and then 🚩condescending and cruel. It was a roller coaster to try to please him constantly. It wore on me. I came to work and to deal with it I would make lists on scratch paper. Lists of why I was starting to hate my job. Lists that I would read in the car and cry. If I wasn’t cheerful he’d come in with 🚩“PMSING TODAY?” .... I’d laugh n bite my tongue. 🚩 That’s just being friendly playful right, he knows me well enough to say that to me, we’re like family, right? But every day I felt awful. And I needed my job now, more than ever. 🚩 He knew I needed this job, too. We had just put an offer on a house and surprise! we’re now expecting a baby.

Being pregnant changed things. I couldn’t assist in surgery and xrays like I used to. 🚩He would scoff when I would have to leave for prenatal appointments. 🚩 He would be caring and kind one minute, giving me hand me down baby clothes and gifts, and then cold and dry the next. 🚩Sam could and often would sleep in and no call/no show. He would roll in at noon and jump into surgery, acting like nothing happened, they’d joke together about women in front of me and being hung over. I was 5 min late once because of a traffic jam and had to have a “sit down meeting” about attendance. 🚩 I felt so ASHAMED and EMBARRASSED. 🚩 I had never once, NOT EVER, had work problems, attendance problems, behavioral problems, in my entire history of working. This job was my LIFE. 🚩 Was something seriously wrong with me???

The last straw came when I was 6 months pregnant. He claimed that everyone was having a private “check in meeting”. He told me at mine that 🚩him and Sam talked 🚩 and agreed that I’m not the happy bubbly girl I used to be. I sat with him in the shade of a big oak tree in the grass that has since fallen in a wind storm (ironically. He said I would be getting a $1 raise and that he wanted me to take on MORE responsibility since I could no longer assist in surgery and listed basically anything he could possibly think of to tack on to my job to make up for that $1. 🚩 all I could think was... how???? I was already drowning. I finally got courage this time and said NO. My lip quivered and tears ran down my face with 🚩 stress. I brought up valid arguments but looking back I wish my voice wasnt so timid. Or that I had the courage to call out just one, ONE instance of his inappropriate behavior. But lastly, 🚩 I asked why is my title “FRONT DESK PERSON” when Sam is now “Lead Surgery Operations Director (Who Does No Wrong)??

His response sticks with me to this day. It was painful and degrading and I will never forget it. After working my ass off and building this place from the bottom, the long nights and everything I gave them... I also will never forget his 🚩 smirk . “Well you see, giving you a title like that would be like rewarding a BAD DOG with a BONE” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

🚩I was devastated. 🚩And confused. 🚩I’m a BAD DOG???

I stuck it out for the remainder of my pregnancy, working the 12 hour days up until I went into labor at work. I trained a new girl on every process, excel spread, schedule I had developed and created. I put on a fake smile and wrote my scratch lists and re-read my lists on the way home and cried. I couldn’t just quit. I couldn’t let my family down.

We had our baby and stared at his tiny toes and fingers and cried every single day that I may have to go back to my hell job. I interviewed for different clinics while on leave. I was desperate. The vet was on a sweet streak- 🚩 sending us gifts, having his wife cook us meals and checking in on us all the time. He frequently asked what date I was coming back. He informed me that when I came back I would need to take the later shift and give the new girl my current shift. 🚩She needed it, he said. He said we could discuss the title of “lead receptionist” now and could 🚩 continue to work towards my goal of hospital manager. 🚩 I accepted but I felt sick. 🚩 I felt like I had to go back to work for someone who I couldn’t trust. I felt like he owned me in the worst possible way. (At one time he even tried to tell me I had half of the PTO that I actually had saved up for maternity leave, another 🚩🚩🚩 but I saved my paystubs as PROOF)

Today I work for the clinic that we shared the building with. When they heard I left they immediately offered me a position. The Vet left to purchase his own facility. He acted shocked and surprised and in disbelief that I wasn’t returning. At first it was tough, not gonna lie. We literally ate noodles for a year because I went down to part time. But the bravest thing I ever did was RUN ♥️ I now LOVE my job and they treat their employees wonderfully and equally and have real life morals.

I actually didn’t intend for this to be a novel LOL but even if not a single soul reads this, it’s therapeutic for me to actually get my thoughts down after almost 6 years now. My advice is to ALWAYS trust your gut. TRUST THE 🚩 RED 🚩 FLAGS. Don’t let anyone make you question your character. Never EVER ACCEPT being controlled and manipulated against your morals. Choose the future over time spent in the past (thanks T @taylorswift) and work somewhere that respects you. That pays you FAIRLY. Don’t be afraid to TELL your story too because this has to STOP (I’ve almost deleted this whole thing 13x) If it happened to me I can’t imagine how many other women it happens to. Anyway if you read this then holy shit here’s a hug and CHIN UP YOU ARE WORTHY, YOU ARE NOT A BAD DOG. ♥️

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ladydracarysao3 · 7 years

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#metoo

Alright, so I was inspired by another blogger on here to get into more detail about what happened (and then some). She used the term ‘triggered’ about what this hashtag thing has done to her, and I completely agree. Things I thought were long in the past and dealt with have been resurfacing and haunting me, but I am in no way interested in sharing the #metoo on facebook or twitter or any of that.

Below the cut are the 2 main heavy-hitters of past sexual harassment and assault experiences. They are not the only men, unfortunately, but no one has time for all of the skeletons in this closet. These are the stories of the first offender and the ‘worst’ offender. So be warned about that, and feel free to not read any of this. I think this is just some bizarro therapy so that maybe these stories will stop haunting my mind while this hashtag thing is going on.

Ryan.

When I was 12 years old, I was hanging out with my male cousin who was more like a brother. One of his older brother’s friends was with us and we were reading through an email chain and giggling about it. It was a list of pick-up lines. I was 12, my cousin was 14, and this other kid, Ryan, was 16. Ryan then took this silly thing and made it personal by staring at me and asking if he could wear my thighs as earmuffs. I didn’t even really know what that meant, but it made me scared and I just froze. My cousin then said, “hey man, that’s my cousin,” and the game was over.

Two years later I was on AOL IM (I’m really dating myself with these references) and the older cousin was chatting with me about how he and his girlfriend had just been kissing. I told him that I’d never been kissed. Low and behold, that 16 year old from 2 years ago starts messaging me. I’m now 14 and he’s 18 and about to start college. He starts telling me how he wants to be my first kiss. From that point on, we were talking a lot. Everyone in the family knew we were buddies, but he had a girlfriend and no one seemed to suspect anything more. I liked having the attention of this older and really cute guy, and since he lived 5 hours away something felt safe about it at first.

It didn’t take long before his need or obsession with being my first kiss turned into an obsession with taking my virginity. He talked about how he wanted to watch the movie Kids with me and have sex while the first scene played. If you don’t know, that was an NC-17 movie from the 90s where in the first scene an older boy fucks a really young virgin and then leaves, talking about how he only likes virgins. Charming.

Ryan talked me into doing things like scanning my panties and emailing them to him. I hated it. It made me feel dirty and awful, but he wouldn’t stop asking until I relented. He also talked about me...bottling my juices...and mailing it to him. He was a disgusting creature. OH and I forgot to mention, he was the son of my grandmother’s best friend.

He was away at college when I went to visit my family that fall. He said he was going to come home and we’d have sex in his van after he gave me alcohol to relax me...but he had car trouble, or maybe he was all talk, I have no idea, but he didn’t show up, thank god.

I was in way over my head and had no one I thought I could talk to. I was very active on the internet (shocker) and decided to write to one of my online friends. I told him all about Ryan’s plans and how they didn’t happen, and I wasn’t sure what to think. I left my email account logged into the family computer and while I was at school, my mom found that email.

When I came home, she sat me down, fully expecting me to freak out and demand I be able to keep talking to Ryan. But when she told me what she read the email and that I was to no longer talk to him, I was so relieved that it was over that I thanked her and hugged her.

She told my Aunt about it, who told her sons, and last I knew, when Ryan tried to come around to hang out with them and their friends, they shunned him and walked away. I remember feeling shocked that they ostracized him for me, but also loved. It meant a lot.

Chris.

22 years old. Fresh out of a 4 year engagement with an emotionally manipulative piece of work. He didn’t make this list because it would definitely turn into a novel. Anyway, I’m living in an apartment, technically with a roommate, but he decided to join the Marines and was away at boot camp, so I was living alone for the first time in my life. Dating sites were starting to be a thing then, and I was on the free ones. I was wild. I had been in an unhappy, oppressive relationship, and when I got out I felt free, and dead inside, and self destructive.

Through one of these dating sites, Chris found me. I knew his name was Chris, he was 35, and I knew he was a police officer in the area, and that’s all I knew. He made sure of that. He bugged me and bugged me, but that fact that he was a cop didn’t sit well with me so I evaded him for months. Finally he pleads to just have one date with him and go from there. Said things like, “If you smoke pot or something and you’re worried about being busted, I don’t care about that. I just want to meet you.”

I relented, and we had plans for a date. I didn’t know much about him, which made me nervous, but he said it was only because he met a girl once that ended up being crazy and would call his station all the time, so he wanted to make sure I was cool before he told me anything else. (red. fucking. flag.)

One afternoon before our date, he texted me and said he was off duty and wanted to know if I’d be interested in meeting up now, so we could get over the first meeting jitters before the big date night. I was a little weirded out by it, and he said he was in my neighborhood, and well...I was really fucking nervous, but I said okay. Soon after, he’s at my door. I turned on the TV and we sat on the couch. I told him I didn’t believe the cop thing, since he was so secretive about what station he worked for, and he showed me his badge. Then things got scary.

Instead of just talking for a little bit, her started pushing me around. I was sitting on the end of the couch with my knees to my chest and he pulled at me legs and ripped them open and tried to touch me. I kept kicking him off and telling him no, but he kept attacking me. It was terrifying. He was stringer than me. We were alone, and he wouldn’t stop. I got away and told him to leave, and then he changed his tactics. He followed me through the apartment, apologizing and refusing to leave. He became more gentle and kissed me... and told me how badly I wanted it, if I would just give in.

I was scared. He wasn’t leaving. But he wasn’t being violent anymore, and I didn’t want that to return. I told him no, to please just go a few more times and he continued to kiss me and touch me and tell me how much I wanted it. What I wanted was for it to be over. Eventually, I undressed for him, he writhed hi sweaty, grunting body on top of me for a few minutes, and then he left.

I felt so used. So stupid for letting him in my home in the first place. And so fucking confused. I still thought we were going to have that date after that.... it wasn’t until his communication vanished that I realized what really happened, and what I gave into.

I felt so stupid. I felt like a whore. I hated myself. I didn’t even know that was rape until I shared a little bit of it with my mom during a road trip. She told me I was raped, and it all made sense. But there was nothing I could do about it. I had a first name, that could have been - and probably was - a fake name, and a flash of a badge. I’ve tried to find him on rosters or social media, but never did. I was ashamed of letting him in my house. I was ashamed of letting him attack me. I was ashamed of letting him win. I ultimately just wanted to forget it.

About a year later, I found my now husband - on the internet! We played WoW together for months before I ever new what he looked like. I fell for him before I knew his name. By this point we were living together, and I was finally in the most stable, loving, and perfect relationship I had ever known. I was healing from all of the shit I had been put through; being stalked my my Ex and threatened with his assault rifle; being used and abused by men over and over and over. I was finding my happiness and my husband was helping me. Then one day, I get a text from Chris. He has some bullshit story about being in Iraq as security for a year and wants to see me again. I can’t remember what I said, but I told him off. And that was that. I was glad to have the chance to tell him what a creep he was, and I stored the story away. Moved on. Until this hashtag.

I don’t know how to end this other than that. I could write a book and how I was treated by men since I was 12 years old, and how I kept coming back for more. How they made me feel worthless to the point of almost killing myself. How for some reason a man’s approval, no matter how awful he was, was more important to me than my own for a very very long time.

Now, I am in a stable relationship with a man who treats me like his queen and his partner. He is everything I ever wanted and never thought I deserved. I still deal with issues sometimes of thinking I’m not good enough for him, that he deserves better than this sack of crazy that he married. But He helps me through that.

He helped me save myself from the hellscape my emotions were, and he is so supportive when I revert back to bad days and hard times dealing with people and life.

We are expecting our first child and I was relieved to find out he’s a boy. I was terrified of the idea of raising a girl and the idea that she might be put in situations like I had been while growing up. The landscape is so much different now, it’s so much easier for predators to get into young girls heads. If I do end up with a daughter down the road, I hope I can raise her to be strong, to say no, and to come to me no matter what.

But I was relieved that I have the chance to raise a man who will not do these things. I want to raise a man who will respect everyone he comes in contact with, who will never dream of hurting someone, and who will have the courage to stick up for himself and others in the event that wrong is being done.

#metoo #I hope this helps someone?#it was rather cathartic for me

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elvesofnoldor · 7 years

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ugh it’s 12am and i rly shouldn’t be thinking about this but...this is kinda important for me??? A few typical autistic traits and these atypical autism traits that described me perfectly? i have them ever since i was a child! My parents either dismissed some of these traits as me being weird or my dad got mad at me for some of these traits and physically abused me to literal adulthood lol???

Being hyper sensitive towards sounds and textures of water in pool environment and terrified of the most mundane and non threatening things in the pool as a child? Oh she’s just being weird lol. she will get over it! Having difficulties communicating and are easily frustrated from feeling misunderstood or incapable as a child? Better beat the shit out of her to put her in her place! She is just being unruly and ungrateful of her parents do for her!!!! Having learning difficulties in solving complicated mathematic problems as a child? Must because she didn’t try hard enough! Better beat the shit out of her!!! Emotionally sensitive and immature? Oh she is just overthinking things and being way too sensitive, she will get better when she knows better as an adult! but humm isnt it weird that she still gets angry over things that aren’t worth getting angry over and gets overwhelmed with sadness about things that aren’t particularly sad even when she does know better?! Has obsessive personality and doesn’t know how to invest in special interest that i hyper-focused on without neglecting everything else? better scold her for having obsessive personality and tell her that her special interests are literal worthless garbage! That will help her to build her organization skills and talk to her parents and others about her interests! Oh no dear! she has difficulty socializing, always seems cold and unfriendly and have shut downs in social situations ever since a child? Oh she’s just being an awful, AWFUL daughter who couldn’t be normal!!!!! im always self-conscious of how “happy” i look in social situations bc when im overwhelmed and uncomfortable in social situations, i tend to look mean and “unhappy” and i don’t want my dad to get mad at me for being overloaded and not being able to perform “happy” in social situations! my dad would scold me like “瞧你来着一副驴脸，谁看你这样会喜欢你？！为什么你就不能高高兴兴的!” BUT DOES HIS REMARKS ABOUT ME LOOKING MEAN AND UNLOVABLE HELP ME IN THESE SOCIAL SITUATIONS??? NO!!! I JUST END UP HATING MYSELF MORE! oh! and not to forget--this girl seems shy and mute???? aaaah she just has a shit personality!! she will stop being shy and mute and quite when she realizes that these are not desirable traits in western/north american society!!!

my parents thought i was just a weird and problematic and introverted child and didn’t know how to fix me and they never get me diagnosed with anything. Neither my dad or my mom has the knowledge to even think of diagnosing me. They said, she is fine she is fine!!! She is just a little different than other children! every child is unique after all!!! but she fucking isn’t fine!!! she is neurodivergent!!!! I grew up with all heavy self-loathing bc my dad would beat me up and tell me that im disgusting and hard to love like the spiders hiding in the corners because everyone hates them and wants them dead, and that i asked for the beating every single time!!!!! I thought he beat the shit out of me bc i have always been a piece of shit!!!! but really it’s probably because i wasn’t being neurotypical!!!! did he beat my problems away??? no! i just grew up being an absolute mess with extra emotional issues from the abuse and 0 knowledge on managing, controlling or coping with my emotional sensitivity!

There is this chinese/Buddhist system of calculating your fortunes based on ur birthdays and the time of your birth. My result says that I was supposed to have a easy life full of fortunes, except that....i have some sort of personality flaw that i need to be careful of or i’d live a miserable life....颠倒妄想, that’s roughly the term for it and i have literally no concrete definitions for this phrase. my dad said that i’d end up in hell for, well, being emotionally sensitive/bad at communications/being easily frustrated over seemingly nothing. but honestly, if my parents had known how to help me to cope with these traits ever since i was a child, i could have grown up to be way more happy and adjusted person than i am right now.....i could have lost less friends and be a more socially acceptable person......

i only have a tumblr post to back myself up anyways, all the autistic articles online are either from autism speaks (yikes) or are for parents who fear their children are autistic. so idk if my counsellor/school therapist will take me seriously when i try to tell her that i might need to get diagnosed....so lol....and i’ve heard about how lengthy and potentially expensive the process of getting diagnosed is......so......fuck

i’ve been Realizing^tm things about myself way too much these days its kinda overwhelming lol

#abuse cw #abuse mention cw #not spn #yolanda talks #me for ts #long post for ts #this is under the cut post btw #at one point i thought hey maybe adhd is it! but....the traits don't fit me perfectly :\#and my therapist was like //u dont have adhd// even before i asked. which is super weird but ok #its always been autism. probably

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