#imagine my surprise when I saw SanZo on the back cover

[lattewithatwistoflemon]

Gundam Wing Essay

January 25, 2021

Gundam Wing has this powerful nostalgia for me, even though I didn’t actually watch the show when it came on television when I was little. I just shrugged it off and said I didn’t like Gundams. Yet I’m finding myself drawn to these characters and wondering if, in some subconscious way, this show influenced who I’ve become. From my love of damaged, traumatized bishounen to my inclination to dress exactly like Relena, despite never consciously thinking about her in all these years... I feel like maybe aspects of this anime molded me into who I am today. 

Every time I heard one of my favorite songs, “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer, there was a couple there in my head, and I couldn’t pinpoint who they were... But after looking at the Gundam manga issue I got when I was 7, where Heero and Relena are in a romantic garden together, and seeing the ending sequence of the anime, where Relena stands in a field wearing that dress and that hat, I can’t help but think “it’s them”. It’s been Heero and Relena in my head all along, as this idealized fairy tale couple, every time I heard that song. Thinking back on my childhood impression of them, I realized I always imagined them as being like Romeo and Juliet, talking to each other over a balcony, over a courtyard garden, in a star-crossed, Shakespearean romance. In my head, they were always so deeply in love. Perhaps they were a symbol of romance itself. I don’t remember if I had seen a specific scene in the anime as a child that made me see them as a couple, or if my memory is just based on that one chapter of the Ground Zero manga, but either way, they were imprinted on my mind as the most quintessential, devoted lovers. She was a fairy tale princess, and he was the gallant knight who would come rescue her. 

Zechs feels like an ideal fairy tale prince... the kind that will kiss my hand, give me roses, and carry me bridal style through a beautiful European garden, to a sweet little white outdoor table, where we drink tea out of fine China teacups, while the sun shines brightly, and the leaves of the trees around us cast shadows upon us that sway with the breeze. Yet Zechs also possesses that same dark, seductive quality of the Phantom of the Opera, whispering in my ear with that voice that’s both sinister and incredibly romantic at the same time, as if luring me into his embrace. Zechs has this beautiful duality to him. He goes down a dark path on multiple occasions, but even so, he feels terrible guilt for what he does. Because of this, he still comes across as honorable and chivalrous to me. Other anime characters that I’ve seen since then have had a similar feel, such as Yue from Cardcaptor Sakura and Griffith from Berserk. I’ve even created original characters for my own stories who are long haired, princely men with ambiguous morals, who I now wonder if they were subconsciously inspired by this one, long-forgotten figure that I had briefly seen as a 7-year-old. I tended to like blonde characters when I was little, and like most little girls, I loved the idea of a perfect, gentlemanly prince charming. I’m genuinely surprised that I didn’t remember him from when I was a child. Perhaps if I had seen those gentle blue eyes beneath the mask, I would’ve fallen in love.

Duo has a much different quality from Zechs. He feels familiar in a way that’s hard to pinpoint. He’s brash, energetic, and laid-back at the same time. He has this friendly, approachable quality to him that the other characters don’t possess. It feels like I can actually get close to him, while all the others feel like they’d push me away. I’ve realized Duo reminds me of various other characters, most of which are from video games, such as Sonic, Dante, and most importantly… Link. Link was my very first crush. My attachment to Link stemmed from the Ocarina of Time game. It wasn’t until many years later that I watched the animated Zelda series, in which Link is very much like Duo. I never thought of myself as being particularly attracted to that version of Link, yet now, when seeing an actual anime character who resembles him in appearance and personality, I find myself incredibly drawn to him. I can’t say for sure whether my attraction to Duo is due to his similarity to Link or to any other character or if it’s simply because of how warm and approachable he feels compared to the other gundam pilots. I remember that Duo’s design always stuck out to me the most, as the cute one with the braid.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been interested in angry, angsty characters who have traumatic backstories. For the longest time, I was under the assumption that Heero would be a basic, friendly protagonist. So when I finally started watching this show 20 years later, I was surprised by him being the type of angst-ridden anti-hero that I love nowadays. When I was 13, I discovered Saiyuki, and instantly obsessed over Genjo Sanzo, who’s exactly like Heero in that sense. His past trauma turned him into a cold, ruthless killer, who, despite his self-loathing, came to the decision that he must continue killing in order to live. While watching Gundam Wing, I saw these same qualities in Heero. Whatever he’s experienced before the start of the anime must have damaged him so badly that he’s become this cold-blooded killer. Judging from how quick he is to throw away his life for his mission, I conclude that he despises himself for all the people he’s killed. Just like Sanzo, he pushes aside that self-loathing to live on and continues fighting for what he believes is right. In addition to Sanzo, another character that I love with a similar personality type is Kai from Beyblade. Although his circumstances aren’t as extreme as Heero’s and Sanzo’s, since he hasn’t killed anyone, he also has a chip on his shoulder from his past trauma that causes him to be cold and put up a wall between himself and the people around him. Out of the characters that I know of who have this personality type, Heero would have been the first one I had seen. Even though I don’t remember knowing that Heero was like this, since I had assumed he was completely different all along, part of me gets this feeling of “what if he was the start of this? What if he’s the reason I love this type of character?” I wonder if it’s possible for him to have influenced my inclination towards these characters without me having any memory of it.

Adding to this topic of traumatized characters, Trowa also fits the bill. His trauma isn’t portrayed as anger against the world, as with the characters listed above. Instead, he’s often depicted as depressed and sometimes frightened, in a way that makes Catherine and myself feel pity for him. When he loses his memory and holds himself, shivering, that is a perfect illustration of the type of characters that I like, due to their vulnerability and need for protection. My very first favorite anime character was Hotaru from Sailor Moon, who very frequently displayed these same actions, which made me instantly love her. Also, Trowa reminds me a lot of Hakkai from Saiyuki.

Both Heero and Trowa are suicidal. Trowa had one or two moments highlighting this, but Heero has had at least 5 instances where it looked to me like he was trying to kill himself. He would often do something incredibly dangerous, without any regard to his own life. In one instance, he very nearly blew himself up, which resulted in him being bed-ridden and covered in bandages. I’ve always had a strong interest in suicidal and self-loathing characters like this. Whether this is from some sort of motherly instinct that makes me want to protect them or some sort of sadistic interest that I have with fictional characters, I’m not entirely sure. But either way, these two Gundam Wing characters stuck out to me very strongly due to their trauma and suicidal intent. Since Heero had always given me the impression of being the epitome of a shounen hero, him being suicidal struck me especially hard, and this just made me like him all the more. Even when I watch more lighthearted shows, I like to headcanon these kinds of things. For instance, I headcanon multiple Beyblade characters to be abused, suicidal child soldiers, so it was interesting to see that these things were canon in Gundam Wing. It’s rare for me to find an anime that focuses on traumatized bishounen characters similar to Saiyuki, so when I realized Gundam Wing was like this, I felt like it was written for me. I’ve come to call this the “pretty boys in need” genre.

Another reason this anime speaks to me is that, whenever I see Relena, I feel like I’m looking at myself as an anime character. Over the years, from high school to college especially, I’d developed my own fashion sense and aesthetic. This consisted of me wanting to wear ruffled blouses and long skirts. I loved feeling like a proper Victorian lady. I wore puffy sleeves, bows, and frills. My favorite colors to wear, which people have said look the best on me, were shades of red, pink, or maroon. I’d also wear a lot of white. My favorite hairstyle has always been straight cut bangs with my hair partly tied back, just like Relena’s. The hairstyle was consciously inspired by Gabrielle from Xena Warrior Princess, but I can’t help but wonder if Relena had some subconscious influence on it as well. My hair is naturally brown, but I was born blonde, and I often bleach my hair, so it’s usually somewhere close to her dark blond/light brown hair. My eyes are also dark teal, like Relena’s. Although I’ve lately been working a lot and hardly have the chance to dress up, I still see this Victorian princess image as my ideal appearance, which makes Relena feel like an idealized anime version of myself. I feel like I’ve grown to become her. Although, this comparison is almost strictly appearance-based. Some people say I’m serious, but in general, I don’t feel like I’m nearly as serious as she is. My life revolves around anime (certainly not politics), and I’m known to be very giggly. Although Relena and I do share an interest in angsty bad boys. I can’t help but wonder if maybe, somewhere deep down in my subconscious, I always wanted to be like her?

Lastly, the entire aesthetic and feel of this show feels incredibly nostalgic to me. There’s a scene in the second opening, where Heero suddenly looks up at the camera in a way that makes my heart skip a beat. I’ve been having trouble figuring out exactly what the feeling is that this evokes for me. I’ll say it’s a mix of sweet nostalgia and perhaps guilt. The characters’ faces and art style are so incredibly familiar to me. I’ve known of them since I was 7, but I never gave the show a chance by trying to watch it. I told myself I didn’t like it, after seeing a couple minutes, because I very quickly came to the conclusion that I didn’t like mecha anime. I was only 7, yet this opinion stuck with me for 20 years, without me ever trying to change it. Over the years, I had almost completely forgotten about Gundam Wing. I shunned the show. Perhaps I shunned Heero most of all, with my assumption that he’s a normal, cliche shounen protagonist. So when he looks directly at the screen like that, while I’m captivated by the familiar beauty of the art style, I also feel a pang of guilt for neglecting him all these years. 

I think the best way for me to conclude what it is about this series that makes me feel so strongly is that this space opera genre possesses the feeling of an Arthurian romance or a Shakespearean tragedy. While watching this show, my mind isn’t focused on the battles or the gundams. What draws me to this show are the characters’ relationships, emotional trauma, and the visual allusions to times long ago. Because of this, the small, barely remembered bits that I had seen as a small child had left such a big impact on me that, now, when I watch it for the first time, it feels like it’s been living inside my soul all along. When I watch this anime, I get this feeling that I can’t believe I’m actually watching it. As something from a bygone era that I had quickly discarded and never thought I would ever get back, it feels like some sort of miracle, as if I had gone back in time to watch this long-forgotten relic of my past.

Leah Marie

[ezra-blue]

You’ve Got Something - 31

For @baronvonriktenstein‘s Messy!AU

31: A Bright Future

Despite the ill omens he’s seeing, Sanzo is looking towards the future.

Word Count: ~1950

Happy 3/9, everyone!

31: A Bright Future

"Oh, here you are." Hakkai popped his head out the back door, where Sanzo was propped against the wall, cigarette in his mouth, phone in hand. Sanzo shifted his cigarette to the side of his mouth and raised an eyebrow.

"You're surprised? I don't just wander off."

"You weren't at the counter or in the office." Hakkai dusted his palms as he came out and let the door fall shut behind him. "It was either there, here, or somewhere I hadn't yet thought of."

Sanzo scoffed. "Either way, you've found me. Now, what do you want?"

Hakkai, still cleaning the flour from his face and the cuffs of his shirt, hesitated, shuffling his feet, then quietly said, "How are Koumyou and Toudai doing lately?"

Sanzo rolled his eyes. "Same as ever. Whispering about my business where they think I can't see, nosing into my life, and being a general embarrassment."

"I believe that's called 'parenting.'" Hakkai let a smile slide into place, but it quickly faded. "But, er, Toudai. How has he--"

Sanzo cut Hakkai off with a heavy sigh, and stood upright off of the wall, shoving his cell back into his pocket. "I've been watching him. He's been slowing down."

"Ah." Hakkai's chin dropped towards his chest, but he rubbed his cheek in thought. "But, er, no illnesses? It's, er, not the disease itself that will take him, but complications related thereto--"

"I know that, fuck." Sanzo rolled his eyes, almost without wanting to.

"If he takes care of himself and continues to take his medicine--"

"I know. He knows that and Koumyou does too, but fuck, they're both going on like normal most of the time, pretending they don't know he's gonna die while I'm pretty sure he's given up already." Sanzo smashed his cigarette on the wall, then sighed again. "It's stressful. One day, the thing that's gonna kill him is gonna come along, and I'm worried he's too ready for it."

Hakkai frowned, slouching. "I... I see. No, nobody should accept death that easily, but perhaps he's trying to come to terms with it. It's not easy, but he has known it was coming for a long time. Perhaps it'd be best if you can make the last years of his life the best they can be."

Sanzo rolled his eyes and pivoted on one heel until his shoulders hit the brick wall again. "Yeah. Sure. Empty platitudes like that always put a smile on my face."

"I'm serious." Hakkai walked past Sanzo only to stand against the wall directly at his side. "Take him to places he likes, indulge him. Spoil your father. It'll make both of you happier for it, and with luck, when his time does come, you'll be able to remember him smiling."

Sanzo snorted. "Yeah. Well. I guess there's stuff that still makes him smile."

"Ah." Hakkai found himself smiling again. "I imagine he's happy to see you happy."

"In the stupidest way. The old goat thinks the world of Goku. He and Koumyou both put him on a stupid pedestal just because he's dating me."

"I assure you, that's normal when it comes to doting parents like yours." Hakkai paused, letting the chill March air sit. "They treated me very kindly, too."

"Don't remind me." Sanzo plucked out and lit up a fresh cigarette. "But they like him, and he makes them laugh." He took a long drag and exhaled it out slowly, clouding the air around him and wordlessly convincing Hakkai to take a few small sidesteps away. "So, I bring him around sometimes. It does brighten them both up."

"That's good." Hakkai covered his mouth and nose, but Sanzo basked briefly in the satisfaction at bringing a little of Hakkai's annoyance into his voice.

"Was that all you wanted?"

"Mostly. You don't talk about your family where others can hear; I'd hoped to have a full update."

"There's little to tell." Sanzo shrugged his shoulders. It was the honest truth, but the deep set in Hakkai's lips told him Hakkai didn't believe him. "I'll tell you if shit gets bad, but don't bite your fingernails off over it.” He finished his cigarette and faced Hakkai. “It's just as well you're here. I need a favor.”

“Anything.” Hakkai observed as Sanzo fidgeted a moment longer. “What is it?”

Sanzo hesitated again, then turned his gaze down to his feet. “I'd like to list you as a reference on my bank for a credit application.”

“Oh, of course!” Hakkai laughed with relief. “Certainly, I can attest to your salary here and your work history. May I ask what you're applying for? A new car, perhaps?”

“You got a problem with my car?”

“No, no; I'm just curious.” Hakkai stifled a giggle, and Sanzo scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Never mind.”

“Sanzo.”

“Hakkai.” Sanzo faced him again. “You... moved Gojyo in.”

Hakkai seemed taken aback, but shook his head. “Er, he hasn't moved in formally. He stays over most nights, but he's more like a stray cat. He's welcome at any time, but he comes and goes as he pleases. I don't hold on too tight. I'm not certain he's ready for more.”

“Smartest thing you've said about him,” Sanzo grumbled.

“Ah.” Hakkai dodged Sanzo's gaze and looked down to the floor, his disappointment subtle, but obvious enough to Sanzo. Sanzo rolled his eyes again.

“Except it's obvious he wants more, and I'm almost entirely sure you do, too. Just ask him.”

“I suppose I could say the same about you.” Hakkai turned back towards Sanzo, accusation in his stiff smile. “How has Goku been? He still adores you just the same, yes?”

“Tch!” Sanzo's face took heat, and he turned away. “Finish one conversation before you start another.”

“You didn't say I was wrong, did you?” Hakkai crossed his arms, and Sanzo knew that smile and posture well. Hakkai was walling off the previous topic, and now he would demand an answer on this one. Sanzo sealed his lips, until Hakkai prodded again, gentler, “You've been seeing him nearly six months, the same as I've been seeing Gojyo. Were you considering your next steps with him?”

“It's only been six months. My parents corresponded for five years before they even had their first date.”

“That's very different.”

“It is.” Sanzo exhaled, as if the next words took an immense effort: “I'm considering moving him in. To my own home.”

“Oh! You're moving out? Congratulations!” Hakkai clasped his hands with excitement, but Sanzo waved it off.

“It's not like we're getting married. And... I'm still debating.” Sanzo reached for his cigarettes again. “I haven't had a reason to move out, and at this point...” He trailed off, but Hakkai filled in the rest.

“You're worried about leaving Koumyou alone.”

“Fuck off,” Sanzo grumbled, and Hakkai cleared his throat. “It's not that. It's just a big decision. I plan to get a house I can afford on my own, but even so, if I commit to getting a place with him...”

“It'll feel real, won't it?” Hakkai's words touched a nerve, and Sanzo felt his very spine shake. “Ah, well. For what my opinion is worth, you two are a good couple. I've never seen you so content as I do when he's hanging off your arm and trying to make you laugh. It's your decision, and I'm behind you on taking things to the next step.” Hakkai paused. “My opinion may not be worth much, of course, but you have to do what's best for you.” A church bell rang in the distance, striking noon, and Hakkai turned back as if he could see the bells and gasped. “Ah! It's that late already? Excuse me.” Sanzo scowled after Hakkai as he passed him and slipped back through the kitchen door.

“Don't think I don't hear you pretending he's the problem between you two,” he grumbled, and finally lit his third cigarette.

He could admit he was somewhat using Hakkai as a meter-stick, a measuring point by which he could compare his whatever-this-is he had with Goku. After all, he told himself, Hakkai was his only real friend his age, and Hakkai had never been in (what Sanzo could now admit was) a good relationship before Gojyo, and despite Gojyo's (glaring) flaws, his lewd forwardness, his annoyingly cocksure attitude, his paper-tiger self-confidence, he and Hakkai were a good couple.

And for whatever reason, Hakkai wasn't taking that next step. Here, he should have been the one telling him to wait, be patient, not to rush in, but the two of them, in their weird way, worked, and Hakkai should be moving forward. He'd seen Hakkai in a bad relationship. It wasn't pretty, but he hadn't held back then. It made sense that his bad experience might be putting concrete in his shoes this time, but Gojyo was nothing like Nii.

He wouldn't let the fact that Hakkai was hesitating on the next step hold him back.

He drew the cigarette from his mouth and blew a smoke ring, then sighed, "For such a smart guy, he can be such a fucking idiot."

Something rattled at the end of the alley. Sanzo spun on his heel, certain he felt eyes on him, but he saw nothing there but an emptied oil tin rolling on its side. He took a step closer to it, then approached and tucked it back into the recycling bin. The air was breezeless; had someone been here?

Just as he moved to investigate the back street, his phone buzzed, and Goku's face popped up in the alert window. Sanzo blinked with surprise -- Goku had taken a selfie with his phone and set it to appear as his contact picture. "Clever monkey with grabby little fingers." He smirked to himself and opened Goku's message, to see him asking about his day, asking if he could come and see him after work.

Sanzo, still smiling without really being able to control it, typed back, "Only so I can yank your ear for getting into my phone and setting your photo up. When did you do that?" He sent the message, then tapped and swiped to get back to what he'd been looking at before Hakkai had come to join him.

A home. There were plenty of little houses on the outskirts of town, quiet places where Sanzo could be alone and still have everything he needed to be content. He got the feeling Goku wanted nothing more than a home to come back to, a place to belong. Someone to belong to. Sanzo knew that if he could just worry a little less about everything that could go wrong, he might be able to be that for Goku. He could be that future that Goku couldn't grab yet, that light in the distance, and maybe it could be much closer than either of them had thought.

He could look at himself and admit he was gun-shy. No, he'd correct himself – he was being responsibly cautious. He knew too well how cruel the world could be. He knew that the second one grabbed on to something and held tight was the very same second it could be ripped away: muichimotsu, the one Buddhist precept Koumyou had taught him that he remembered by name. To hold nothing. And yet, Koumyou had sometimes, reminded him, just because one’s not holding on so tight doesn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy the things he has until they’re gone. Sanzo had watched plenty of things vanish from his life, but Goku was different. Goku was like absolutely nobody else who had ever been in his world, unique. He knew the second he opened the door, Goku would likely jump in feet first, he’d grab on tight, and he’d never let go. If Sanzo could just get past his doubts, it'd be worth it.

The smile that popped up with Goku's next message would shine in his life every day, keeping those last swirling clouds back.