#impossible to conceive or communicate and now i reallly do think my medication has failed me finally and theres no other options because | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

that-one-violist · 4 years

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o . o

i am growing increasingly and ever consistently uneasy by the SECOND and i wish to no longer perceive anything ever more again however due to the circumstances the ‘no longer perceive’ button is broken and cannot / will not be pushed as itll cause a plethora of problems in many a ppls lives whom i do not wish to cause problem and annoyance and so to accomodate for this i will simply be

a mess

#personal #i am so fkn trapped #this is fine we are fine fuck #this entire year hasnt been real i swear to god by the day i just keep feeling more and more and more non-present #losing a parent and having shit randomly pop up that u have to just cope with because whatever happened is way way way way way in the #past while also coping with school stress and the fact that not only is ur life 'falling apart' or whatever but everyone u love also has #lost stability and the universe has been an overall piece of shit and really i do not have it in me to deal with this anymore #and unfortunately while i cannot cease to exist nor cancel culture my life #i also cannot actually genuinely fuck my life up or just do things to not experience as much as possible because my degree requires me to #be present 400% of the time and if i stop for even a second im gonna dissapoint at least 10 people i look up to all at once and i dont have #the facilities to simply not care about that and so im just here stressed and vibing but vibing like literally i am my brain feels like it #is just vbvbbvbvbbvbbvbvbvbbbvbbvbvbbvvb with round heavy engulfing emotions that are both so easily understandable and yet so incredibly #impossible to conceive or communicate and now i reallly do think my medication has failed me finally and theres no other options because #its wellbutrin and theres no other antidepressant like it and zoloft did NOTHING for me so #ym only options are to either admit to my psych that i am unwell and have him take the ONE thing in my life that is stable away from me and #have to additionally cope with the horrid withdrawal symptoms while also being on nothing for at least a month and #then being put on some random ass bullshit only for it to probably fail and have the next 3 years of my life be failure and loss constantly #or i can just pretend its fine and just maintain wellbutrin as SOME stability in my brain and maybe this isnt chemical anymore maybe for #the first fucking time i actually amm going to have to admit that i am actually dealing with fucked up events and memories and have to face #that yes i am actually struggling because my life has been problematic and i am bad at coping with it because ive never taught myself how #to deal with anymore than a simple chemical malfunction and i just am very very very unsure and to top it #and not having an explanation for it that genuinely would be accepted #all off i am TEEMING with anxious energy and i am sick of just being in a vague state of constant panic and tenseness and non-presence

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