#incl the day i heard about the librart job

[amerasdreams]

I totally get that because I am also facing the same thing, so to see you struggling with it makes me sad. We're both the same age too. Fatigue can really affect your thinking and make everything automatically worse. One thing that I've found effective in combating negative feelings about myself is addressing each one of them and seeing them as problems to solve rather than absolutes. You are worried about wanting people to like you, which is totally fine and honestly also very normal. Who doesn't want to be liked? Just don't forget to love things about yourself. Being an empath isn't actually bad and I don't know where people are even getting this idea from and also, I don't really have the time or energy to invest in something that's also likely to slow my own personal growth and healing. Perhaps a similar mindset is also needed? Because if it's not helping you heal and grow, what's the point in wasting your valuable time, energy, and positivity on it? If you want to vent your feelings on Tumblr, do so. Yeah there's always a chance that someone will attack you for it, but don't let that stop you. Wouldn't it be better to be true to yourself than cater to a bunch of avatars and usernames of people that aren't actually part of your life? I also hope you don't feel like I was attacking you because if that's how I came across, I am really sorry. I only wish to show you support and encouragement. <3

Thank you for your message.

t def wasn't seemig like attacking. ♡ I got an attacking message earlier and I blocked them right away. It's true i have limited energy and i don't want to waste it on someone i don't know and who doesn't care about me. Especially on social media. There are too many people on here, I cant cater to all of them. (Idk is this what you mean by not wasting energy on things that hinder growth etc?)

Also I want to be true to myself and not censor myself just for some random people. I like tumblr bc I can be myself here. (I want to be able to be myself everywhere... for one thing, it takes too much energy I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not) It's just occasionally people attack me which really affects me. Words really affect me whether good or bad.

I did feel better later in the day so maybe your message helped :)

Hm problems to solve seem like absolutes bc to me they seem insurmountable.

I dont want to want to be liked. Don't want to need to be liked. I suppose everyone has this in some degree tho. But I dont want it to control me in any way esp to do things I don't like or want. It's hard to control these feelings tho. Before I didn't think I cared. Then I wrote fanfic and I got some good comments. Now I like crave them. Before I didn't know what I was missing. Now I know what positive attention from people can be like and I realize I was starved for it. Esp with things that I care about, people actually liking what I liked and put work into. Now there is this vacuum, or at least I'm aware of it... and more so after tumblr and I got some positive attention and people who seemed to be friends online. Who know me (I put more personal things on here than anywhere even to family... when I try to talk to mom about feelings she gets mad) and somehow they still like me and don't want to go away? Sounds fake.

But at the same time I'm aware of the time j lost and how I can't get it back. And can never catch up to other socially bc they had all this time I didn't. And really.... this panic started after college ...when before I seemed to at least have pretty good self esteem if not confidence. But after college it slammed into me how ill prepared I was to face the real world. Even more do when I tried to get jobs. Could only get menial basic ones. Rejected from library job bc it was too fast paced for me. Fired from my internship bc I just could not do it no matter how hard I tried. Etc. It's a problem... I don't know the solution

Well, I'm working on what I want. Bc I dont want to worry about what others think and I want to build a life that suits me not one that others impose on me. Do what is from my heart which is what I want more than anything. But that's easier said than done and I'm really running out of time (dad will be retiring soon, I should not be here... panic bc I'm not nearly ready... if i ever can be). I want my own business, and I have it, pet sitting, I could get more pets. I should. More clients. I just... don't really want to do it that much. I want to do something else. I've been doing this 10 years. I could do it on the side, supporting what I really want to do, and that's the plan. I just.. it's not easy, time gets away from you, and you have things that get in the way like covid taking most of my business away, my arm pain getting really bad last year so I could barely function, now I'm losing so much sleep so I can't function.... etc..

Was that a tangent, probably, bc my mind isnt working right.

I reallt need to try to find things to love about myself. Just saying that sounds wrong so I have some issue there... like I'm not supposed to see anything good about myself. If that's from upbringing or what. But I dont want to have to be reliant on others for self esteem, always needing reassurance bc I have none of my own.... that crash after college was a severe blow, isk how I can get it back when I see what the world is and how inadequate I am in it. But I dont want to please the world anyway bc there are a lot of dumb thigs in it I don't care for anyway. So... there is this weird conflict. Somehow resolve....

I came across some things that said empathy is actually bad and then googled empath bad and a whole nunch of articles came up so I panicked. But I dont want to dwell on things that bother me.... even tho they pop up when I'm trying to sleep and i can't shut them down no matter how hard I try....