#like for over a month i followd it instead of doing most things

[amerasdreams]

I totally get that because I am also facing the same thing, so to see you struggling with it makes me sad. We're both the same age too. Fatigue can really affect your thinking and make everything automatically worse. One thing that I've found effective in combating negative feelings about myself is addressing each one of them and seeing them as problems to solve rather than absolutes. You are worried about wanting people to like you, which is totally fine and honestly also very normal. Who doesn't want to be liked? Just don't forget to love things about yourself. Being an empath isn't actually bad and I don't know where people are even getting this idea from and also, I don't really have the time or energy to invest in something that's also likely to slow my own personal growth and healing. Perhaps a similar mindset is also needed? Because if it's not helping you heal and grow, what's the point in wasting your valuable time, energy, and positivity on it? If you want to vent your feelings on Tumblr, do so. Yeah there's always a chance that someone will attack you for it, but don't let that stop you. Wouldn't it be better to be true to yourself than cater to a bunch of avatars and usernames of people that aren't actually part of your life? I also hope you don't feel like I was attacking you because if that's how I came across, I am really sorry. I only wish to show you support and encouragement. <3

Thank you for your message.

t def wasn't seemig like attacking. ♡ I got an attacking message earlier and I blocked them right away. It's true i have limited energy and i don't want to waste it on someone i don't know and who doesn't care about me. Especially on social media. There are too many people on here, I cant cater to all of them. (Idk is this what you mean by not wasting energy on things that hinder growth etc?)

Also I want to be true to myself and not censor myself just for some random people. I like tumblr bc I can be myself here. (I want to be able to be myself everywhere... for one thing, it takes too much energy I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not) It's just occasionally people attack me which really affects me. Words really affect me whether good or bad.

I did feel better later in the day so maybe your message helped :)

Hm problems to solve seem like absolutes bc to me they seem insurmountable.

I dont want to want to be liked. Don't want to need to be liked. I suppose everyone has this in some degree tho. But I dont want it to control me in any way esp to do things I don't like or want. It's hard to control these feelings tho. Before I didn't think I cared. Then I wrote fanfic and I got some good comments. Now I like crave them. Before I didn't know what I was missing. Now I know what positive attention from people can be like and I realize I was starved for it. Esp with things that I care about, people actually liking what I liked and put work into. Now there is this vacuum, or at least I'm aware of it... and more so after tumblr and I got some positive attention and people who seemed to be friends online. Who know me (I put more personal things on here than anywhere even to family... when I try to talk to mom about feelings she gets mad) and somehow they still like me and don't want to go away? Sounds fake.

But at the same time I'm aware of the time j lost and how I can't get it back. And can never catch up to other socially bc they had all this time I didn't. And really.... this panic started after college ...when before I seemed to at least have pretty good self esteem if not confidence. But after college it slammed into me how ill prepared I was to face the real world. Even more do when I tried to get jobs. Could only get menial basic ones. Rejected from library job bc it was too fast paced for me. Fired from my internship bc I just could not do it no matter how hard I tried. Etc. It's a problem... I don't know the solution

Well, I'm working on what I want. Bc I dont want to worry about what others think and I want to build a life that suits me not one that others impose on me. Do what is from my heart which is what I want more than anything. But that's easier said than done and I'm really running out of time (dad will be retiring soon, I should not be here... panic bc I'm not nearly ready... if i ever can be). I want my own business, and I have it, pet sitting, I could get more pets. I should. More clients. I just... don't really want to do it that much. I want to do something else. I've been doing this 10 years. I could do it on the side, supporting what I really want to do, and that's the plan. I just.. it's not easy, time gets away from you, and you have things that get in the way like covid taking most of my business away, my arm pain getting really bad last year so I could barely function, now I'm losing so much sleep so I can't function.... etc..

Was that a tangent, probably, bc my mind isnt working right.

I reallt need to try to find things to love about myself. Just saying that sounds wrong so I have some issue there... like I'm not supposed to see anything good about myself. If that's from upbringing or what. But I dont want to have to be reliant on others for self esteem, always needing reassurance bc I have none of my own.... that crash after college was a severe blow, isk how I can get it back when I see what the world is and how inadequate I am in it. But I dont want to please the world anyway bc there are a lot of dumb thigs in it I don't care for anyway. So... there is this weird conflict. Somehow resolve....

I came across some things that said empathy is actually bad and then googled empath bad and a whole nunch of articles came up so I panicked. But I dont want to dwell on things that bother me.... even tho they pop up when I'm trying to sleep and i can't shut them down no matter how hard I try....

[birdsaesthetic]

Our Love in the Run

This tiny little fic takes a place in 501, and is inspired by the below GIF by @kate-dammit-run. (Sorry for any mistake within this, it’s kind of my first attempt in writing) 🤍

they hugged that night. They kept hugging unable to release each other for what felt like two months long; a compensation of the past two months they’d spent being separated from each other’s reach.

Jane sat on his lap as she did so, and they both pressed their eyes closed in pain—but at the same time in relief and the coziness of each other’s warmth. The two didn’t realise how their minds and bodies were in a constant tension until they hugged, until the hug eased with it all the cumulative tension.

They were quiet, the only sound would be heard now was Kurt’s constant rubbing over her back. But then, when she sniffed, trying to say something—perhaps something rambled in her head while she was hugging him, “I am scared Kurt....what if I lost you, Kurt”. He pulled her back, a little, and looked right into her eyes, “I am here, we aren’t going to lose each other, okay?”

She frowned, and her eyes got teary at his choice of words, at his hard voice in comparison to hers. As she heated to admit, she was still scared even when he was right in front of her, with his flesh and warmth surrounding her. She wanted to be hugging him for the entire night, to feel the warmth of his present pressing her body, to redeem all the missing parts within her soul. She wanted to be hugging him to reassure her mind that he was here now and always wil be—because she was yet to believe that she had met him again, alive and safe.

“We can manage to sleep together here, right?” she indicated the tiny space in the single bed.

“We can always manage anything” kurt teased her with a peck.

They managed to lay down on the single bed, snuggling into each other’s arms. She settled down her head among his chest and shoulder, her hair nuzzled his lips and nose in the way—but he happily nuzzled her head back. And all she could feel was content and thankful about this particular moment. being back in her husband embrace would solve most of her recent problems. For the past two months, she hadn’t felt this relieved, and thinking about that made her don’t want to sleep just yet.

Her hand that had been set upon his chest—feeling his heartbeats—slided up to touch his face that she couldn’t see now. First she went all the way from his chest to his neck, then his chin, his lips, his cheek, his eyelid. And then, when she didn’t know where to reach for more, he covered her hand with his, and settled it upon his lips and kissed it long and slow, inhaling it hard just as well.

The tiny attempt of making a delightful contact with his skin she meant to make, made her want more. In favour of his embrace, she tilted herself a little up, then she pressed their lips together. He acted back, and held her head between his two hands to guide the kiss. Every brush of his lips against hers set off a lightened candle within her, and made her want more. She then rolled over her entire body to be above him, without breaking the kiss, so eager to move tenderly all the way above him. Her fingers breached all over his jaw, cheek and ears in attempts of touching more areas.

Among the kissing, she barely managed to let out a whisper, “I missed you, so much, kurt”. And like he always loved to to, he drew her head back, gently, to have a glimpse of her hungery features. As he did so, she looked intense, she never smiled, never blinked, but her eyes were wider and her mouth still open for more.

“How much you missed me?” he whispered back.

She tried to take a deep breath as she closed her eyes and settled her forehead against his, “I can’t answer this in words, kurt” she responded, voice breathy. Her warm breath was so tempting against his face now, but he spoke back, very lowly, “I can accept any form of answers”

His hands were skimming over her back now, and then, one hand slided beneath her shirt, and the other followd, seconds later. She got into a setting position—still sitting above his lap as he was laying down—feeling so powerful in such a position, and he felt so lucky for such a view. Intending to move slowly, she stripped off her shirt, then tossed it in the air, which had just started to get intense. He led his hands to grip her waist from the both sides, smiling, finding it so hard to choose what exactly he should be looking at; her blushed face, or her half naked uppr body.

He missed his wife, he missed when seeing her in such a way was an everyday basis, when touching her bare skin was what his hands put the most effort in doing so.

She smiled now—the second she saw the hungry eyes of his, she couldn’t help but smiled.

“I missed you too” he mumbles, gawking.

“How much?”

“Lean in, so that I could tell you”

She chuckled although she was biting her lips, then she leaned forward, to her husband’s face.

He captured her mouth as she reached his mouth, and just easily, he moved his hands to the clasp of her bra and unclicked it.

And of course, she helped him out by stripping it off, and then she went back to the previous position, the powerful position, and stared at him, seemingly, not a lot of expressions were shown on her face.

“Come here, to me” he demanded, with a slight smile.

“You come here, to me” she protested.

He followed her instructions, moving up into a sitting position as he held her still above his lap. She held his head still and breathed him in, “You want me to take it off for you, or you want to do it yourself?” she whispered against his ears .

“No difference”

“Take it off yourself then, I wanna watch the aesthetic as you do so”

“Yes ma'am”

He undid the buttons of his blouse by himself, as she watched in appropriation, and the smirk on her lips kept growing.

He held her closer and went straight away to kiss her neck, long, slow and soft, and with it one hand found its way to the bulk of her hair, and kept wandering there. She went to kiss his shoulder, rubbing her cheek against it, too, and making the process more affectionate, crating some more heat, as if they needed the extra heat. Their bodies were already overheated at that point, but she loved how it felt, and kept doing so.

He dotted kisses all the way to her lips then kissed them, then he went deeper, until she gave a loud moan of pleasure.

“I love you when you cry like that, I missed all of this” his lips brushed hers when he said it.

She drew gently back, to the reach of his gaze, and curled her arms around his neck, then she asked, breathlessly, “Kurt, how have you been?”

“You wanna talk about this now?”

“Yah, I wanna go slow, don’t we deserve to go slow?”

“Yah, we do, so much”

“Tell me then—we didn’t get to talk about this earlier”

He kept his gaze at her, and blinked slowly, then swallowed, “I’ve been in a dark time, everything was crumbling down and I was unable to do anything. I was thinking about you all the time, went to Venice to be close to you in any way possible. spent most time there, but as every day went by, I kept losing hope and kept feeling more vulnerable” he sighed then, and lowered his head, but she took it, and lifted it to her level again, because she knew he had more to say, he was yet to finish.

“But the last memory we made kept me lifted. When you looked at me and promised me that we will be together soon, and we will make it home again and safe—it just kept me stronger”

“I’m sorry, kurt” her lips pouted.

He stroked her hair and brought her forehead to his and whispered, “It’s okay now,”

“How have you been?” he then asked.

She parted their heads, and sighed. Her eyes wandered over the place a little bit, as if she was remembering things—she simply wasn’t willing to talk about it—but when her eyes met his again, it encouraged her to talk.

“It was harder than before, you know, back then I knew you were safe, but this time I knew nothing. Where were you, and what were you doing.... it just.... it was hard to keep up. And sometimes I thought I would never see you again. Yah, I had that feeling, I had it and it was hard to push it away. But I kept fighting it, I kept trying to push it away. And when I saw you for the first time earlier, I couldn’t believe you were in front of me” she drew a breath, then resumed, “If we’re together, I never lose hope, because I know as we’re together, we can do anything”

“Yah, as we’re together we can do anything”

“Anything”

“So, since we’re together now slash alone, can we still do the anything?

She smirked, a knowing smirk, then, threw her whole weight against him, forcing him into a laying position, “I think we talked too much instead of— right?” she whispered, with a smirk.

“Right, way too much”