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thdorkmagnet · 7 months

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Hello all! Got something a bit different for you today. Since I've been gone, I've fallen deep into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fandom (you can thank Mutant Mayhem for that) and I've created a fanfiction for a truly lovely comic from @indieyuugure known as Indie's Turtles. The actual comic itself isn't out just yet but they've been posting stuff for it and I just knew I needed to make something for it!

This fanfiction takes place during the Space Arc (link here) and deals with Donnie's trauma after the events of the previous arc the Save Donnie Arc (Links here, here, and here). Basically, Bishop kidnapped Donnie and experimented on him and the bros had to swoop in and rescue him. I also touch on some this comic (linkie here too) at one point.

Also please go easy on me if anyone is out of character this is my first time writing any version of the turtles ever! Haha, hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or any of its variants. Indie's Turtles/ Indie TMNT belong to @indieyuugure.

The door to the ship's bathroom slid open, Donnie stumbling into the room a moment after, his breathing heavy and labored, a hand clenched tightly to his chest. He froze for a second, realizing too late that the bathroom was smaller than he remembered, already feeling suffocated inside. But he was snapped back to reality as the door slid shut behind him, the noise causing him to jump. Using this new wave of panic, Donnie willed himself forward, muttering the command to the ship's AI to activate the door lock.

He practically fell against the sink, leaning all his weight on it as his knees shook terribly. His hands just dangled there, hot sticky blood dripping onto white marble, Donnie squeezing tighter in some vain effort to stop the bleeding but there was too much of it- there was so much blood- he needed to wash it off. Get it off, get it off, get it off. In order to do that he needed to turn on the sink. Steeling himself, Donnie released his grip, only for a new wave of blood to slide down his hand, pooling in the sink. Donnie shuddered, keeping his right hand turned down so he didn’t have to see. In a single fluid motion he turned the handle, hot water instantly bursting from the pipes. Without a second of hesitation he stuck both hands into the falling stream, wincing as the gash in his hand throbbed. As the majority of the blood washed away down the drain, Donnie felt his breathing start to steady, his mind returning to him. Okay, okay, this wasn’t so bad. He was… he was doing good. He just needed to clean the wound up, slap a bandaid on and it would be over. There was no need to panic. He was safe.

But as he flipped his hand over to examine the gash, a new wave of terror clenched his heart. The entirety of his middle finger had been split open, endless waves of blood spurting from the cut and Donnie was pretty sure he could see the bone. A wave of nausea hit Donnie all at once and he gagged, pressing his good hand over his mouth to try and keep it down. Hot water soon poured into the gash, a muffled hiss escaping Donnie’s lips at the pain. Pain, pain. It hurt so bad. Make it stop hurting. Donnie’s breathing became raw and raspy, struggling to pull enough air into his lungs. He was dying. The pain was unbearable as the pressure of the water cut into the wound. He could feel the blood flowing from his body, leaving a horrible, hollow feeling behind. The water was too hot, every drop felt like needles being jabbed into his skin, over and over again. Get them out, get them out.

He tried to remember the breathing technique dad had taught him but he couldn’t find it in the cacophony of thoughts screaming in his head. Stop, stop. Pain. No more. Brothers. Need my brothers. Donnie let out a wail, thankful the sound was muffled by his hand. It was too much. The blood was everywhere. He was dying.

“Oh relax turtle, you aren’t dying.”

Donnie whimpered and squirmed as the needle was jabbed into his arm just below the elbow. It hit a vein, he could feel it. He felt the blood being drained out of him. It burned. He squirmed, trying to break free, trying to escape but he couldn’t. He was trapped. He was helpless. Where were his brothers?!

“STAY STILL! Unless you want it to hurt more.” The threat made his blood run cold. Even though it burned. He hated this. He hated this place. This was agony.

Finally, the needle was ripped from his arm and Donnie hissed, squeezing his eyes shut to hide the forming tears. The man didn’t even bother to clean or cover the puncture wound, a stream of warm blood dripping down Donnie’s arm, echoing the tears that slid down his cheeks.

“All that fuss over one little needle. You are making this so much more difficult than it needs to be.” Good. If Donnie was going to go through this he wanted to make it as painful for this monster as possible. He was about to make a witty retort but before he could the man spoke again, his voice cold and cynical. “You might as well get used to it, y'know. We’ll be at this for a while.”

Donnie didn’t even have time to scream before he felt the stab of another needle and the whole painful process started over again.

Donnie was trembling head to toe now, his body drenched in sweat as the flashback ended. Or paused really, since he was currently reliving the nightmare in real time. Tears dripped down his face as he sobbed brokenly. He shoved both arms entirely under the running faucet scrubbing at them with his good hand and his bad, dripping blood all over him. Everything itched. Everything hurt. He was coming undone. The sobs wracked his whole body, his tears mixing with the blood and water, a flood of pink filling the sink before swirling down the drain in a hypnotizing dance. Donnie felt his attention pulling away from the wound and onto the drain, watching it with a kind of mindless fascination.

He felt light-headed, like his brain had detached from his body floating freely above, an observer in his own skin. He could hear his thoughts roaring in his head, feel the knots in his stomach and the tears on his cheeks, the throbs of pain in his hand, but it was like he wasn’t there. He was separated, disconnected. The logical part of his brain told him he was losing too much blood. He needed to stop the bleeding. But that part was so far away. He couldn’t hear it through the fog. He fell to his knees. He wanted to lay down. He wanted to lay there and drift away. Maybe he would find a new self to inhabit. One that wasn’t so broken. One that didn’t hurt like he was hurting. He could just drift away and…

Footsteps. Footsteps down the hall. Someone was coming. Something about that grounded Donnie, pulling him back into himself. His head still spun but he was there again, in his own body. He tried to stand, using the sink for support, feeling his knees wobble but somehow keeping his balance. Who was it? Who was coming? His brothers? Fugitoid? Were they coming to check on him? How long had he been gone? They couldn’t see him like this. He didn’t want to be seen. He didn’t want to be touched. If they found him here they would make him go to the medbay and the thought of that alone made him nauseas all over again. He couldn’t. He couldn’t go in there, no matter what.

Thinking fast he turned on the showerhead, water bursting from the nozzle and soaking the floor. Steam flooded the room, fogging Donnie’s glasses, rendering him blind. But at the very least it was no longer obvious he had been crying. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it tightly around his hand, trying to stop the bleeding or at least try and hide it. Which seemed pointless since there was blood everywhere now.

There was a soft knock on the door and Donnie jumped. Every nerve in his body felt like it was on fire. Or maybe that was just the heat from the shower and faucet finally getting to him.

“Hey, Don, you in there?” Leo. It was Leo on the other side of the door and he suddenly felt compelled to run into his arms and hide there until the pain ended. He might have done so if his legs weren’t shaking so much.

“Y-Yeah,” Donnie stuttered, hoping he sounded normal and not… well, the opposite.

“How long you been in there?” Leo asked, a hint of concern in his tone.

He had been expecting that question. It was a normal occurrence for him ever since he had started to shower longer than he should, since Mikey had found him in the middle of his multiple-hour showering sessions, scratching at his arms until they had been rubbed raw. Since then his family and friends had tried to limit the amount of time he was allowed to spend in the bathroom. “J-Just now,” he replied, trying to pull the towel tighter. It was starting to bleed through.

“Didn’t you get one earlier today?” Did he? Don couldn’t think straight, couldn’t make sense of the confusing mess of his mind, the fog still present and persistent.

“I, uh, spilled something on me. Needed to wash it off.” It was a weak lie but it was the best Donnie could do right now.

There was a pause as Leo seemed to hesitate. “...Are you doing okay?”

Donnie felt his chest clench. Had Leo seen through him? Did he know he was lying? What had tipped him off? “N-No, I’m fine, everything’s fine.” Why wouldn’t he just go away? Donnie’s resolve wasn’t very strong right now and he knew with enough pushing Leo could get the truth out of him. Maybe even get him out of the bathroom. He wasn't sure if he wanted that or not.

Another pause before a tired sigh. “Don, there’s blood leading from your lab to here.” Donnie flinched, wondering how he had overlooked something so simple. Wasn’t he supposed to be smarter than that? Leo seemed to be waiting for a response but Donnie didn’t know what to say, his tongue suddenly feeling like lead in his mouth, his thoughts too jumbled and the pain too great for him to form any kind of excuse. Finally, Leo continued, his tone gentle and coaxing. “Look, I know you probably want to be alone right now but, uh, I just want to make sure you're okay. It was… a lot of blood and I know you don’t… handle that well.”

Donnie swallowed, his eyes flooding with tears yet again, the urge to run to his brother growing stronger by the second.

Leo’s voice was soft. Calculated. “I won't push you. I just want to help."

“P-Promise you won’t say anything,” Donnie finally managed to get out.

“I won’t, I promise,” Leo’s voice replied, hopeful, relieved.

“And don’t m-make me go to the medbay. I don’t… I can’t.”

“Yeah, no problem.” Leo sounded a bit confused by that request but still agreed in a heartbeat. That was enough for Don, sucking in a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves as he muttered the unlock command, the door sliding open in an instant. Leo shuffled inside, eyes wide, clearly taken aback by the state of the small bathroom. Then his eyes fell on his brother and Donnie felt the sudden urge to hide. He knew it must be quite a sight to see, Donnie and the bathroom covered in blood, hot steam billowing out of the small room in droves, cheeks damp with fresh tears and a bloody towel haphazardly wrapped around his right hand. But somehow Leo kept his promise, clenching his jaw tightly, forcing his face to stay neutral. Still Donnie squirmed in place, wondering what he was supposed to do or say now that Leo was here. An explanation would probably be nice.

“I-I was tinkering with some of Fugitoid’s tech and the- the metal piece slipped and well…” Donnie felt his skin crawl and he shuddered, the sentence dying on his tongue. He looked away, no longer feeling strong enough to face his brother, feeling hollow and exposed. What was Leo going to say, what was he going to do? If the roles were reversed Donnie would be lecturing by now. A few tears pricked at his eyes. He didn’t want his brother to see him this way, so useless and scared and broken.

But all Leo did was crouch down in front of his brother, slowly holding a hand out to him, waiting patiently for Donnie to react. It took him a few seconds to process what Leo wanted, a silent request to check Donnie’s finger. Don hesitated but finally worked up the courage to give him his hand, placing it flat against his brother's palm. Slowly Leo unfolded the towel, expression focused but calm. As cold air hit the open wound, Donnie hissed through his teeth. Leo’s eyes widened, worry etched into his features as he stared at the gash, some blood already starting to leak out again.

It felt like a lifetime before Leo moved again, finally nodding to himself, a decision made before he met Donnie’s eyes. “It needs stitches.”

Donnie felt a tremble jump up his spine, pulling his hand away and to his shell, shaking his head violently. No. No needles. He couldn’t. He struggled to articulate this though, instead merely whimpering pathetically. “I know, Dee, I know,” Leo said softly, shooting his brother an apologetic smile. “But there’s no other way. It’s gotta be done.” Donnie knew he was right but it still terrified him. “Let’s go back to my room, okay. I'm sure you don't wanna do it on the bathroom floor."

Donnie nodded numbly, allowing his brother to take command like he always did, gently pulling him to his feet. Leo grabbed another towel and wrapped it around the gash, tying a knot to try and hold it better in place. He then instructed Donnie to put pressure on the wound, guiding his shaking hands as Donnie failed to follow along with what Leo was saying. He felt really dizzy and tired all of a sudden, the pain and panic still tugging at his heart and head but almost… muted now. He was disconnecting again, he realized. Only this time he had Leo to ground him.

Leo turned off the faucet and showerhead before wrapping an arm around brother's shell, keeping him steady as he swayed unevenly on his feet. Donnie hadn't even noticed. Leo's other hand was cupped over Donnie's, helping to add a bit more pressure. It felt nice.

"What about the mess?" Donnie sluggishly asked, feeling a pang of guilt for reasons he didn't really understand.

"Later. Right now we gotta get you patched up."

Donnie grunted in agreement, finding himself leaning into his brother, allowing Leo to guide him to his room. He felt Leo shift, readjusting his grip so he could better support Donnie’s weight.

He needed this, Donnie realized. This comforting grip from his brother, this safety. He hadn’t realized just how much he had come to rely on the others since Bishop. Some days it felt like their support was the only thing keeping him stable. It made him feel a bit… helpless. In the past the others had always relied on him, he was the brains, the inventor, the medic, the one they went to when they didn’t know what to do. Now though. Now he relied on them. An equal exchange maybe. Donnie didn’t know anymore and he was too tired to care. Right now he just wanted to be there in the protective grip of his older brother and believe everything was okay.

Maybe that was enough for now.

…

Leo had experience with pain.

As the oldest and the leader, Leo was used to taking the hits the others couldn't. He did his best to cover their weaknesses, to endure the brunt of the attack so that his family didn’t have to. He thought he could take it, he had a high pain tolerance only rivaled by Raph, and most of his injuries healed pretty quickly anyways. At the time, he thought he was being heroic, but looking back it had been nothing more than naive stupidity.

It was only when he got his first real taste of pain Leo learned he wasn't as invincible or as strong as he thought he was. It had felt like dying. The agony, the fear, the helplessness, they were thoughts and feelings he had never known before. No loss had ever felt like this, nothing had ever come so close to breaking him before. Sometimes late at night, he wondered if he actually had broken and just pretended not to notice. Those nights he usually never got to sleep.

When Leo finally woke, body still alive with pain but no longer alone, surrounded by his family and friends, he had thought the worst was over. But once again it was either optimism or innocence blinding him to the truth.

He hadn’t escaped from the fight, it had just changed form.

The weeks and months that followed were the hardest of his entire life, a never-ending struggle against his own mind and body, nightmares and flashbacks haunted him like ghosts, and the few bits of Leo left felt so utterly empty, like there was nothing of him left at all. Every day was a fight that left him drained and exhausted, pushing his limits and tearing at the fabric of his sanity, always one step away from unraveling the empty self Leo had become.

Somehow though, Leo had kept going, kept pushing, kept trying. He still didn't entirely know why, maybe it was his dad in him, maybe he was just too stubborn to roll over and die, or maybe it was the leader refusing to abandon his team, but something in him kept him going. Kept him fighting. He fought for his family, for his friends, for his city, for himself.

And slowly, ever so slowly, things got better. Easier. Day by day, step by step, Leo got better. There were still hard days when he fell apart all over again but he was strong enough to overcome them now. He wouldn't say he was healed, not completely, but he was more whole, more himself.

Which is why it felt like sick irony that the moment Leo started to feel more whole it was Donnie who fell apart. His time as Bishop's experiment had been brief but it had left him in the same broken state Leo knew all too well. The circumstances were different but the scars they left were the same. And if Leo had thought it was painful experiencing it firsthand, it was pure agony watching the same thing happen to his brother, to Donnie.

The others had noticed the changes in him, too, but not on the same level as Leo. No Leo was painfully aware of every hitch in his brother's breath, every involuntary flinch at the wrong word or sound, every shudder when he thought no one was looking. He knew them because at one time they had been his.

Leo did his best to be what Donnie needed him to be. A pillar of strength in a sea of darkness and fear. He remembered his family's support during his lowest and how much it had done for him. Leo wanted, needed, to be that for Donnie. And as the group made the jump from New York to space, Leo started seeing a more positive response from his brother. The fear still lingered but it was drowned out by the thrill of discovery, Donnie captivated by the new technology he saw, enthralled by the new places and species they encountered, an eagerness to learn and understand that was so fundamentally Donnie it made Leo's chest hurt. He had missed this side of his brother. More than he knew. And maybe that was why he foolishly, stupidly, started to believe that things were better. That Donnie was fine.

Leo really had to stop pretending he knew anything.

Seeing the blood staining Donnie’s workbench had been a wake-up call, a cold splash of reality that turned his veins to ice. His body moved before his mind could, running down the metallic halls of the ship using the trail of blood to guide him. He reprimanded himself, cursed himself, for ever believing Donnie was okay. Not when he knew the effort it took to heal, to make any kind of progress. It was an exhausting struggle, a push and pull against hope and despair that never seemed to reach a victor. Even if things had improved Donnie’s scars were too new, too fresh, that anything could send him spiraling. Leo still remembered the first month in the farmhouse when Mikey had fumbled and shattered a cup. The family was more careful around glass after that.

Leo hadn't started breathing again until he heard Don's voice through the bathroom door. It surprised him that his brother had chosen to take shelter there, since small spaces tended to be another trigger of Donnie’s. He must have been desperate. It had taken some gentle persuasion to get inside, giving Leo momentary relief as he feared Donnie might completely shut him out in this state. However, all thoughts froze the moment he saw his younger brother.

It felt like looking into a twisted mirror, distorted but still the same, reflecting his past self back at him. Donnie’s body was covered in blood, cheeks red and puffy from crying, his breathing shallow and quick. It had clearly been a bad attack, one of the worst Leo had ever witnessed and his heart ached for his brother. He struggled to keep his face neutral, trying to remember the promise he had made, clenching his jaw and biting down so hard on his tongue he tasted blood. Donnie seemed to shrink under his gaze, trying to offer a weak explanation that quickly broke off as his eyes grew listless and empty, clearly pulled back into a painful memory. Leo could guess which one.

There was something achingly familiar in Donnie’s broken look, he could see him struggle to hold back the torrent of emotions pulling him down and Leo feared if he did nothing his brother might drown in it. No, Leo thought, steeling himself. He couldn’t let that happen. He had to hold Donnie up until he could swim on his own again, the way Don and the others had done for him. So he had shoved it all down, all the emotions threatening to strangle him, and forced himself to focus on his brother. He had decided to come at it logically, turning his attention to the most pressing concern right then which was most definitely the gash in his brother’s hand. The panic attack seemed to have mostly subsided, even if it had left Donnie shook, but even with a towel pressed to it, he had clearly still been bleeding. And he had lost too much blood already.

He hated how his brother seemed to recoil at the first mention of stitches. The way Donnie pulled his hand away and shook his head reminded Leo of when they were kids and their dad had tried to coax Donnie into eating something on his plate he disliked. Donnie had always been the picky eater of the family. Leo felt himself trying to match his dad’s tone in those moments, soft, apologetic, but with no room for argument. It surprised him a little when Donnie wordlessly agreed, expecting some kind of fight on the matter.

But as he practically carried his brother to his room, it occurred to him that Don just didn’t have the energy to argue. For some reason, that made Leo’s stomach twist into knots. Donnie had felt so limp against him, his movements sluggish and unfocused, the exact opposite of the brother he knew and loved. He wanted that brother back so, so badly.

As they settled on Leo’s bed, however, small bits of Donnie started to return, reprimanding Leo for forgetting to disinfect the wound before starting, even if he kept his eyes on the far wall instead of his brother. He had begun a long-winded rant about the dangers of infection and Leo had just let him talk, knowing it was more to distract himself than to actually educate. He still noticeably flinched every time Leo pressed the needle into his skin but both turtles pretended not to notice.

Eventually, the speech had trailed off and Donnie went uncharacteristically quiet. An uncomfortable silence filled the room, the only sound was the tapping of Donnie’s foot against the ground, anxiously bouncing as he fought to hold back the panic. Leo glanced up every so often to see how his brother was holding up, everytime greeted by the same wide eyed look staring off into the distance instead of at him. Donnie had pressed a hand against his mouth, possibly to cover the frantic breathing Leo could just barely make out. He tried to work faster but stitches were a bit outside his area of expertise. He had tried to point this out to Don but his brother was adamant that it needed to be him. Leo couldn’t help but feel flattered by that, even if a part of him knew it was just Donnie being cautious. Mikey and Raph were likely to freak and that only raised his chances of visiting the dreaded medbay. That meant Leo had to take the extra time to do it right. He couldn’t risk it reopening and causing a fiasco. Or worse, send Donnie spiraling all over again.

So instead, he did his best to distract, asking Donnie a question he hoped would get him talking again. "So, Don, what were you working on? Anything interesting?"

Donnie flinched before going still, even the tapping stopped, drawing Leo’s attention upwards. Leo saw his brother’s eyes glaze over and nearly panicked, worried he had said the wrong thing. But before he could try and change the subject Donnie responded softly, "I was trying to upgrade my staff."

Leo held in a sigh, returning his focus back on the stitches. Good. At least Donnie was talking. “Oh. What kinda upgrades?” Leo had done some minor tweaks with his katanas in the past but knowing Don his plans were probably excessively excessive.

“Well for starters I’m going to reinforce the base using titanium to help strengthen it in combat. From there I have some ideas for additional weapon enhancements.”

“With like, what? Missiles? Rockets? Lasers?” Leo teased.

“Yes,” Donnie said simply and the grin vanished from Leo’s lips. Okay, yep, that was definitely excessive. And unnecessary. They were ninjas, they were supposed to be silent killers, it was gonna be kinda hard to do that if they were blowing up anything that got close to them.

But not wanting to offend his brother, he instead asked, “Isn’t that more replacing than upgrading?”

“Perhaps to some.” There was no emotion in Donnie’s tone, his eyes growing distant and vacant. Though his foot had started tapping again, the only indication of his distress.

Leo swallowed down the lump in his throat, lowering his gaze again as he finished off his current stitch and started the next one. He felt Donnie tense and gave him a weak apology. “Sorry, almost done.”

“It’s fine.” Nothing about Donnie’s tone was fine but Leo didn’t want to comment on it and neither did his brother.

“So when do I get to see this cool futuristic staff?” Leo asked, trying to put as much enthusiasm in his voice as he could.

Donnie let out a tired sigh. “Too early to say. It’s still very much a work in progress. I haven’t even finished the frame.”

“Well whenever it’s done, I’m sure it’ll be awesome. Like everything you make,” Leo complimented.

Donnie grunted in agreement before going quiet again. Luckily, Leo was close to finishing so he decided to let the silence settle, focusing intensely as he added the last few stitches. Once he was done, he tied a small knot at the end to keep it from unraveling before severing the thread and putting it and the needle back in the small case sitting next to him.

“There done,” Leo said in relief, observing his handiwork. It was far from perfect, the stitches crooked and poorly spaced, no doubt Fugitoid could have done it better, but the wound was sealed and that’s what mattered. At the very least he didn’t have to worry about Donnie further injuring himself.

After a moment, Donnie inspected his finger as well, something akin to fear flashing across his eyes before he looked away. Leo wasted no time in sliding a black fingerless glove over the wound. “I-It looks good.” Donnie’s voice cracked and he quickly cleared his throat to try and hide the slip up. “Decent work for your first time.” His fingers seemed to subconsciously pick at the glove as he nervously spoke.

“I’m sure Fugitoid could have done it better. Or you for that matter," Leo replied.

Donnie swallowed before giving him a weak smile. “Regardless, it was a good job. You did a good job."

Leo paused, waiting to see if Donnie had more to say. There certainly seemed to be more, something heavy and unspoken hovering between them. But Leo didn't push, instead returning the compliment with a grateful nod. "Glad the genius approves," he joked. "Although it's probably going to scar, there wasn't much I could do about-"

"Why aren't you asking me about what happened?!" Donnie blurted out and Leo went silent, waiting patiently for his brother to finish. "Go ahead, I know you wanna know right! Or maybe you wanna lecture me! Tell me how broken I am! How I'm being careless! How I nearly died because I was too stubborn to ask for help!" There was anger in his tone, raw and vile and hateful, and while Leo was the target, he knew he wasn't the source. He wanted to believe it was Bishop who had invoked Donnie's wrath but he knew better.

This kind of anger could only ever be self-inflicted.

Donnie buried his face in his hands, unknowingly sliding his glasses up to his forehead, hiding the frustrated tears threatening to spill over. "I just don't understand what you're waiting for! You already saw everything, I know you're worried about me!" Donnie barked out a soulless chuckle. "I'm worried about me! If Mikey or Raph were here they would have already dragged it out of me! So why aren't you?!"

Leo nearly laughed at the irony. He remembered having those exact thoughts when Raph had comforted him. Leo had woken from a particularly violent nightmare, panting and bathed in sweat. He had given up on the hopes of sleep thanks to the throbs of pain from his newly acquired wounds, instead sneaking downstairs to play video games. He didn't even bother picking one out, just playing what was already in the N64. His thoughts began to wander as he played through a few levels of Street Smash, muscle memory kicking in as he powered through enemy after enemy. Leo's thoughts, however, were stuck in a losing battle as he relived that night again and again and again. He was lost so deep in the memory he didn't even notice Raph until he was standing over his shoulder, questioning why Leo was up at 3 in the morning.

Leo tried to dodge the question, anxiously waiting for Raph to call him out, to begin pestering him for answers he was too tired and too broken to give, to turn the game off and force him back into bed. Instead, he plopped down next to him and started to play too. Of all the responses Leo had been anticipating this was not it. Here Raph was pleasantly chatting about Street Smash as if the brother sitting next to him wasn't sleep-deprived and traumatized. It was jarring but not unpleasant, the first real sense of normalcy since he woke up.

It didn't take much for Leo to open up after that, the silence that settled between them the final push he needed to get him talking. It was reluctant at first but soon he couldn't stop the words as they poured out of him, burning like fire on his tongue. And Raph just listened, watching him with gentle, worried eyes. That split open a dam in Leo's heart, tears rolling down his cheeks in waves. Raph pulled him into a hug and Leo just cried for all he lost. He felt like a little lost kid as he buried his head in Raph's plastron, sobbing brokenly.

It felt like a lifetime before the tears finally stopped, leaving Leo too exhausted to move or think or feel. He expected Raph to let go but he just continued to hold him there, rubbing soft circles into Leo’s shell. A calmness settled over him, strange and foreign but not unpleasant. He leaned into the feeling, letting it settle in his bones.

Raph asked if Leo wanted to go to bed but he shook his head, worried that the nightmares would chase this warm feeling away, leaving him lost to coldness and fear. Raph finally pulled out of the hug but only so he could snuggle against Leo, picking up his controller and restarting the level. The two stayed up the rest of the night playing video games and Raph never once spoke about what happened, content to just sit there in silence with his brother.

Things got a little easier after that, leaving Leo a little stronger to face what was to come. Leo didn't know where he would be now if Raph hadn't been there that night to listen, to support him, to pull him out of the brink of despair and help him find his footing again.

Now it was his turn to be that for Donnie.

Leo considered his words carefully, asking himself what Donnie most needed to hear right now. "Did you want to talk about what happened?"

Donnie seemed taken aback by this reply, shifting awkwardly on Leo's bed. "Not particularly," he mumbled.

"Then we won't," Leo replied simply. Donnie's eyes narrowed suspiciously, doubt written across his features. Clearly Donnie wasn't taking him at his word. He looked like he expected the whole thing to be a trick, like any second Leo might suddenly start prying into things he'd rather keep to himself. It was distinctly familiar, a look Donnie had flashed him a hundred times and he very nearly laughed in relief.

"What, I'm being serious! Yeah I'm worried about you but I'm not gonna force you to talk about stuff. I'm here to support you, Don, in whatever way you need."

Donnie’s expression softened but the skepticism didn't quite go away. "So we can just sit here? In silence?"

"If that's what you need."

"And there are no ulterior motives?" Donnie moved in so their faces were inches apart. "Like, perhaps, getting me to talk about what happened with… Bishop." Leo didn't miss the subtle shudder at the mention of Donnie's captor.

Leo kept his face neutral, matching his brother's suspicious look with one of sympathy. "You just came down from a panic attack, pushing you is the last thing I'm going to do."

Donnie hesitated, Leo practically seeing the gears turn in his brother's head, before finally giving a curt nod, collapsing back onto the bed with a noticeable sigh. "Thank you," he mumbled, pulling off his glasses so he could massage his eyes with his one good hand. Leo studied his brother closely. All the emotion had washed from Donnie’s face leaving only exhaustion in its place. Leo could see the eyebags, thick and heavy, an exact match for his own back in the day. Who knows how long it had been since Donnie had a good night's sleep.

"I'm sorry you had to see me that way," Donnie finally said. Even his tone was just tired.

"Dee, you've seen me fall apart plenty of times," Leo reminded him.

"Yes but for you it was more justified."

That gave Leo pause, unsure how to even process that statement. What was that even supposed to mean? That Donnie's wasn't justified? That he deserved it! What kind of nonsense was that?! Leo just couldn’t wrap his head around it. How could Donnie, his genius of a brother, not only say something so obviously false but actually believe it! It was baffling! "I- What- How is that-" Leo sucked in a breath, gathering his thoughts, not sure where to even start to dissect Donnie’s logic. "Okay, back up. Explain to me how exactly what happened to me was 'justified' compared to you."

"You almost died." Donnie said it like it was obvious. Like it was a fact.

"You weren't exactly living it up when we found you, Don," Leo reminded him.

Donnie sat up in a flash. "True but I wasn't at risk of dying. Bishop made it quite clear he intended to keep me alive. You, on the other hand, nearly lost your life! You were in a coma for three weeks! You have scars that permanently altered your body! In comparison, I should be doing so much better!"

"And you went through something just as awful, Don!" Leo argued, putting both hands on his brother's shoulders. "Don't turn what happened into a contest of measuring scars, you went through a crappy situation and now you're trying to heal from it, end of story."

Donnie growled in frustration. "But I still should be doing better! What happened is already done! I know that! But the second something goes wrong it's like I'm back there and I can't convince myself I'm not and every little thing sets me off and I just don't know what i'm doing anymore! Nothing makes sense! I don't know how to fix it!" Donnie pressed both fists into the side of his head, the pressure enough Leo feared he would leave bruises. If Donnie had hair he was sure his brother would have ripped it up by the roots already. Instead he just pressed tighter in some vain effort to physically squeeze the thoughts from his head.

Leo gave his brother a sad smile before gripping him by the wrists, pulling his hands away from his skull. Donnie gave him a look of tearful bewilderment but it seemed to refocus him a little. Another flashback, no doubt. "I know, Don. I know it's hard. Believe me I do. But this isn't something you can just fix. It takes time and it takes energy, sometimes more than you feel like you can give. It's like… y'know the metaphor about climbing over the mountain?"

Donnie's nonexistent eyebrows pinched together, giving Leo a puzzled look. "Vaguely," came the skeptic reply.

"Well it's kinda like that, only the hardest part isn't getting to the peak, it's getting knocked back down and still having enough strength to climb back up."

Donnie gave him a long, hard stare. "Your metaphor has several holes in it," he deadpanned.

Leo's face lit up in a blush. "Hey, I'm trying here," he groaned pathetically. "This stuff isn't exactly easy to talk about."

Donnie lowered his gaze, staring at his gloved hand distantly. "Still, I do get what you're trying to say. For me, it's just… not that simple." His eyes narrowed, nose wrinkling in disgust. "Everyone is… counting on me! They can't afford to wait for me to get better! I don't have time to fall apart!" A few tears dripped onto his opened palm and he clenched it into a fist and looked away.

Leo gently reached out and cupped Donnie's hand in his own, rubbing his thumb in soothing circles the way Raph had to Leo’s shell that night. "I know it's hard for you. You've always been the type to give and give until there's nothing left to give. But you can't do that now, Donnie. Not with this. You gotta put yourself first this time."

"But Leo I can't just stop-"

"I'm not asking you to stop. I'm asking you to slow down and give yourself the time when you need it. Can you at least do that? For me?"

Donnies breath hitched, coughing as he tried to suppress the sob. He wiped away a few stray tears, nodding silently. "Yeah," he choked out.

Leo felt the tension in his body start to fade. That’s all he wanted to hear. To know that Donnie would listen. That he wouldn’t push himself until he broke. That he wouldn’t give more than he had to spare. That was enough for now. Leo could help with everything else. He would be there. He'd make sure of it. "Good," he whispered. "And it gets easier, for the record. You just gotta take it one day at a time."

Donnie sighed, sliding his glasses back on. "I sincerely hope so. I have a lot of projects to finish and I hate the idea of stalling them every time things get bad."

"But you will, right?" Leo shot him a scolding glare.

Donnie just rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, I already said I would. What do you need me to cross my heart, pinkie swear, maybe give it to you in writing?"

Leo couldn't help but smile. This was the brother he was missing. He had changed, grown more skittish, but he was still fundamentally Donnie. In the same way Leo was still Leo. No amount of pain could take that away from them.

"No, that's good enough," Leo said with a shake of his head. "And hey, if you ever need help with all this, just know I'm here for you. Whenever you need it."

Donnie seemed to contemplate this for a moment, slowly opening his mouth to speak. Leo kept his face even but felt hope flutter in his chest all the same. Maybe today was the day his brother would finally talk about Bishop, finally find some relief from the pain building and bubbling inside him. But Donnie seemed to think better of it, mouth snapping shut as he gave a half-hearted nod. "Thanks, I'll … keep that in mind."

Leo masked his disappointment behind an understanding smile. He wasn't ready yet. That was okay. They could take this as slow as Donnie needed. Baby steps.

Instead he moved to slide off the bed, only for warm arms to envelop him from behind. Leo froze and held his breath, worried Donnie might take back the hug and pretend it never happened. But he didn't. Instead, Don clung tighter, pulling Leo as close as they could go until they were pressed shell to shell. Leo slowly turned to try and read his brother's facial expression but Donnie had already buried his head in his shoulder and out of sight. Leo could hear and feel Donnie’s breath shudder as if fighting back tears.

"Please stay." The request was so soft Leo barely heard it. It made his heart shatter and melt at the same time. Despite being taller, Donnie looked so small pressed up against him, and Leo swallowed back the lump in his throat. How long had it been since his younger brother had clung to him like this? Not since he was thrown through that window, Leo realized. The day Donnie's perception of his older brother had changed forever, the day Leo had proven to be fallible. Yet another thing lost to the Shredder's brutality.

Leo gave Don's arms a squeeze. "I will," he reassured softly. "Can I give you a hug?"

Donnie nodded, releasing his grip long enough for Leo to turn towards him before latching on again, pressing himself firmly, almost possessively, against his brother’s shell. The mountains had given way to ocean, the waters stormy and violent, the depths eagerly waiting to swallow them whole. Waves of despair crashed against them, threatening to pull them under, while the icy wind whispered their demise.

Donnie sobbed once and clung to his lifeline with all he was worth and Leo hugged back just as tightly, promising he wouldn't let them drown.

Soon Leo would have to let go. He couldn't leave blood splattered all over the ship, not unless he wanted the others to have a meltdown. But right now, he just wanted to hold his little brother. To know that he was here, that he was safe. He needed that reassurance just as much as Donnie did. There was still a long road ahead for both of them. But in this moment, they were okay. Everything was okay.

And maybe that was enough for now.

Thank you for reading! I had a lot of fun with this little side project! It was supposed to be done in a day but then I got stuck on Leo's part and ended up spending a month on it haha! This story was mostly an excuse for my headcannons about Donnie post-kidnapping. That being his germaphobia getting increasingly worse, taking extra long showers, and scratching at his arms without thinking. He also hates the medbay on the ship since it makes him have flashbacks to Bishop. During the writing process I actually remembered Indie's post about Donnie's trauma and was surprised I was right on the nose with a lot of it haha. I also briefly hinted on the fact that Donnie feels inferior to Fugitoid but didn't want to dive too deep since I know Indie will do it much better than I can here. There was a lot of speculation going on for stuff but I'm happy with how it turned out! Still can't wait for the actual comic though haha!

#my writing #tmnt #tmnt fanfiction #indie's tmnt #indie's turtles #donatello hamato #leonardo hamato #cw: blood #cw: panic attack

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