#innistrad is fucking insane

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

so in the vein of innistrad cards that make me go feral

THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS ONE.

this is like if the pope had hired mercenaries that personally gifted him the severed wings of an actual breathing angel

[jacebeleren]

So how we uh. How we feeling about episode 2?? With the whole uh. The whole Lili Jace thing? The fucking "He wouldn't do that"? Because I, for one, am in fucking shambles!!!

"There's news?" Vivien says from behind them. "Wait . . . Where's Jace?"

"Fashionably late, I imagine," Liliana says. She ties off the bandage around Tyvar's chest. "He'll be here any moment now."

Kaya closes her eyes. "No. He won't."

Liliana's face, at least, shows no signs of distress. Her voice comes sharp and hurt—the same hurt in Chandra's chest. "Don't be ridiculous."

[...]

"That doesn't make any sense," Liliana says. She stands, picking up a tray of vials to hide her trembling hands. "All of this nonsense was his idea. He wouldn't just fail. He doesn't do that."

==========

ITS SOOOOO GOOD

K (author of the story) told me she saw someone saying liliana caring about jace is out of character and im like THATS INSANE. CRAZY.

liliana cares about jace so much it's EMBARRASSING. and her reaction in todays story is spot-on!!!! bc thats how she's reacted every other time she's been worried about jace!!

IT'S THE UTTER DENIAL AND DISBELIEF..

==========

"I'm in over my head?" said Jace. "You're one to talk."

"Yes," said Liliana. There was no more mirth in her voice. "I am. And I am telling you, don't go. He's not going to help you, and you can't clever your way out of being killed by a millennia-old vampire."

"If I didn't know better," said Jace, "I'd say you were concerned for my safety."

"Don't make this about us!" she said.

==========

lili being worried about him in Unwelcome from shadows over innistrad....

==========

Liliana stared in shock at the empty space that Jace had occupied just moments before. The fight against Bolas was a disaster, as she had feared it would be. She had still been hoping Jace could come up with some plan when he screamed in agony. It was a scream she knew well—the scream of the dying. The primal scream of life not wanting to end.

Liliana shivered. He can't be dead. He planeswalked away before the end. I saw it. He's alive.

==========

lili being worried about him in Hour of Devastation....

she's always like "i dont care. why would i care about jace. in fact, nothing even happened to him-"

[wifelinkmtg]

HOT. CROSSBOW. AUTUMN.

We’re going back to Innistrad, and oh thank G-d Magic is horny again.

INNISTRAD: MIDNIGHT HUNT + CRIMSON VOW

Welcoming Vampire (art by Lorenzo Mastroianni)

Welcome, indeed, to you who have traveled far across the sanitized wastes of Zendikar, the milquetoast art direction of Kaldheim, the mediocrity of plane after plane: here is a feral place, and a bloody one, of slavering predators and racing pulses, a place where the primordial twins of fear and lust are impossible to sever. Enter here, ye thirsty, and be quenched.

Novice Occultist (art by Zara Alfonso)

Oh, we are off to a great start. This is not only one of the hottest girls in this set (and definitely the one with the best hair, jesus), but also everything about this moment makes me feel protective - the apprehension in her expression, the conjunction of the knife and the bandaged arm, the fact that she is evidently attempting some sort of amateur summoning ritual with a salt circle and several raw steaks, which let’s face it, is not going to end well. The interplay between that feeling, then, and the mechanics of the card, which doesn’t really do anything until she dies, so you want to sacrifice her to some other card, is very effective. Yes, she only exists to die doing something instructively ill-advised, but she’s vulnerable, sympathetic, and really, really hot, so you feel something when she does. Art and mechanics working together! This is the kind of thing that makes Magic special. 10/10 would do something occult and ill-advised in a barn with her any night.

Augur of Autumn (art by Billy Christian)

I don’t know, it’s like, am I over-intellectualizing this stuff? Like I see a beautiful woman and my immediate response is to interrogate the nature of my attraction to her, what’s going on there? [feather. antler. apple.] Shame, you think? Probably some of that, yeah, some internalized whatever or maybe just fear of the vulnerability that comes with saying desire out loud. Plus, I spent a lot of years back in the day reacting to bad experiences with kink & its practitioners by getting unnecessarily moralistic about sexuality. [acorn. bone. acorn.] Yes, very funny. But you’re right, subtlety is overrated, this whole project is just...publishing my desires (as entertainment, but still). Maybe I should only be writing this while pent-up and turned-on? Or maybe I should be more selective. Like, you’re lovely, and I really like that you seem to be a competent occultist, unlike my last, but I’m not feeling much beyond that. [bone. gem. feather.] I don’t... sorry, I don’t know what that means, could you - hang on, is that feather bloody? When did that oh my G-d I know what I need to do.

FOUR YEARS AGO

was when I reviewed the last Innistrad sets, Shadows over Innistrad and Eldritch Moon. And while I still retain my extremely justified bitterness over how that story fridged the hottest angel in Magic canon, I was definitely on some fucking brainrot at the time, like. Look at this bit from the intro:

Shadows over Innistrad block! but with none of the angels because Eldrazi corruption is viscerally distressing! no matter how many emotions i feel about Avacyn, the Purifier’s blood-soaked wings & solid black eyes! or Subjugator Angel’s vacant, fell glee!

You stupid child, me-of-January-2019, you idiot baby, you cretinous fetus, just because something is existentially horrifying doesn’t mean it’s not also really hot. What, were you worried about people thinking you were A Bad Feminist And Person because a fictional eldritch monster mindfucking a fictional girl angel into an insane blood-soaked omnicidal goth gets you hard? (Yes.) “Viscerally distressing” yeah, that’s what makes it good. It was hot, you knew it was hot, you even basically said it was hot, and yet you left the angels out of the review because you were a coward. Well, it is time to set things right.

ACTUALLY IT TURNS OUT THIS ONE IS INNISTRAD: MIND-CONTROLLED ANGELS WILL MURDER YOU AND IT WILL BE SEXY THE ENTIRE TIME

Subjugator Angel (art by Lius Lasahido)

It feels... so good to give in, doesn’t it? Whether that’s to the whispers in your head telling you to purify the land of filth and sin with fire and sword and no shred of mercy, or to the undertow pull of whatever part of your interior makes a bloodsoaked, winged woman with great tits and a shattered mind fucking sexy as hell. Free will can be such a weight, can’t it? Don’t you see how much happier she is like this, with no agonizing over moral complexity, no weighing and counterweighing relative measures of good and evil? It’s so much simpler, so much more fun to just kill everyone, don’t you think?

Angel of Deliverance (art by Joseph Meehan)

Well, looks like someone’s been elbow-deep in the sin-riddled bodies of reprobates and the dissolute, hm? What’s the matter, darling? Surely you’re not too tired for one more.

Archangel Avacyn (art by James Ryman)

Avacyn was created perfect, an icon, an idol, her sole purpose to safeguard the people of her plane - so it’s not really news that she’s gorgeous. We love the black armor and the black lipstick and the glowing eyes, but what really makes this good is the symbolism in the crumbling spear, the fraying edge of the loincloth. She is fighting a war for her mind, to keep hold of herself, of the only purpose she has ever had. And it is so much better when you fight...

Avacyn, the Purifier (art by James Ryman)

...because when you lose, when your mind’s defenses are subverted against you, when your last panicked thoughts try in vain to survive the ravenous onslaught of who you have become instead, when you are at last the monster you struggled in vain against, the collapse is absolute. Spear broken, clothes tattered, hair and wings soaked in the gore of your children, your victims, your slaughtered sheep, and your eyes jet-black, void, and utterly empty of anything that was ever you.

Gisela, the Broken Blade (art by Clint Cearley)

Mental corruption is one thing (a very, very hot thing), but let’s not forget physical corruption as well. Wings beginning to replace feathers with fleshy webs of tendon, tendrils creeping out of her shoulders. She changes. She changes.

Brisela, Voice of Nightmares (art by Clint Cearley)

She is changed.

Because honestly, why would you settle for one angelic abomination when you could melt two of them together and get disa-fucking-ssembled in ways undreamt of by Euclidean geometers or anything with bilateral symmetry?

Whew. Okay. Yeah. I really needed that. The rest of the newer Innistrad sets will happen soon. I promised you crossbows, and I aim to keep that promise.

[gay-little-izzet]

Hello magic tumblr I made you something 😌

[littlegoldenbirdie]

Fanwalker: Amelia, Mystery Savant

Okay, world. Due to lack of motivation and an ongoing 'Why am I even bothering', I have decided to write a biography for the loony ditz from 'A Low Blow on Amonkhet', who defeated Nicol Bolas via instant food poisoning.

"I think my name's Amelia, but you can call me whatever you want. I'll answer to pretty much anything. Heck, call me a pain in the ass if you feel like it. I'll even answer to that. Pita for short."

Found wandering the streets of Innistrad in the wake of Emrakul's sealing, nobody has the slightest clue who the hell she is. Not even her. She has shown a great deal of knowledge about various phenomena found on Zendikar, so it's been hypothesized that she's from there. Some say she's stupid. Some say she's crazy. Some wonder if an idiot savant sparked somehow, given that her behavior encompasses such statements as 'I didn't even know [type of mana] could be used in that way...' and 'How the FUCK do you put your pants on backwards, let alone go half a day without realizing you did that until somebody points it out?'

She'd make a great addition to the Izzet League if she went to Ravnica, but she's latched on to the Gatewatch instead. They've tried to ditch her to no effect, so they decided to just let her tag along... and discovered her uncanny ability to twist spells around in ways that only make sense in retrospect. She can seemingly conjure a near-infinite number of what should be utter bullshit solutions to any problem that usually cause anybody else who tries to end up with a lethal five-color mana wedgie.

Does insanity grant power all its own? Are her senses just that sharp, allowing her to perceive things she really shouldn't? No one knows. Even Ugin is confused, though he'd never admit it to even himself.

[oops-prow-did-it-again]

gf and I have been working on a mtg rp where all sorts of insane shit is happening and some of my favorites, in no particular and unhinged order, include:

5 OC planeswalkers! 1 sad disheveled werewolf man, 1 sad bug lady, 1 aussie man from ikoria who ignited and promptly had his entire life shattered, 1 mollusc man, 1 dragon man himbo

Sorin has essentially adopted the werewolf man and bug lady. he's trying so hard to do better than he did with nahiri but also he's so wary of them becoming like nahiri. he is having all the feels and struggling being a father is hard

Tibalt's "seed" from Vorinclex was actually a special type of Phyrexianization that made it so he could spread phyresis, but he himself was not Phyrexianized. he proceeded to spread phyresis for like 1 year before he finally went UGH FINE I GUESS I'll contact the planeswalkers to see if they know how to fix this since NOBODY ELSE does and I can't find that bitch Vorinclex

What this actually resulted in is the planeswalkers went What The Fuck, Tibalt's poison/blood might be the key to a cure/preventative for Phyresis and we have phyrexianized friends we want saved. Tibalt became what is essentially a feral cat to the alchemist (bug lady) OC

Vivien and Elspeth are gay

Vraska loves Jace but she refuses to admit it and then oops he's phyrexianized during the phyrexian rebellion

Teferi has SEVERE phyrexian trauma and nobody has realized it until it's way too late

oops! bolas is back. oops! emrakul wanted to be in innistrad's moon. oops! the phyrexians can invade planes even without tezzy now. oops! niv mizzet actually intentionally led bolas to believe he was manipulated during war of the spark to manipulate himself into becoming the living guildpact! oops oops oops

Ral is put through Actual Hell (because he is afraid Niv will do something to Tomik if he disobeys him)

dun dun dun bolas did NOT make the elderspell,,,, and a certain dragon trapped in a certain plane still knows who did

nobody trusts anybody but also nobody has a choice :)

Congrats on getting the bridge back saheeli. so sorry it had to happen that way

I am currently trying to outline this in a coherent way to share with everyone but. I am enjoying this way too much