#insertcaffeine brain

[jenthebug]

O SHIT WHATS THIS

It’s that soup that I didn’t wanna make!

I wonder if cooking will become less onerous when I have more working memory to work with. Cooking “easy” things (scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, sautéed veggies) is easier and more pleasant than a whole-ass soup. Similarly, the less prep work and finishing work (like putting a batch of food away), the better.

Anyway, this soup is amazing and I wish I had enough to share with everyone.

[jenthebug]

I had a doctor appointment (telehealth, in pajamas) and now I have FEELINGS.

I asked for something to help with my working memory, and we brainstormed what might be causing memory lapses:

* Chemo - I had chemo brain for a minute (okay like 3 1/2 years). Did I just not bounce all the way back?

* Menopause - I am definitely in surgical menopause, with my uterus and ovaries gone, and on exemestane. I have no sex hormones. And I can’t just take estrogen because of the cancer. Looking through the menopause tag isn’t giving me much; it’s all about perimenopause or how lacking women’s health providers are in menopause care; nothing about how to deal with the cognitive effects.

* ADHD - This is a new one. Dr Primary Care doesn’t think I have it but she’s requesting a test anyway. I took an online screening out of curiosity, and I have some symptoms consistent with ADHD. I can’t relax. I’ve been yelled at for interrupting so many times. I have trouble both starting and finishing projects (even ones I like; I’m supposed to be doing my nails right now and can’t bring myself to start). The #actually adhd tag is relatable. My house is a fucking mess and my car usually is too. Oh, and so is my planner. I get in the zone and forget to eat/sleep/pee until I’m profoundly uncomfortable. So that might be a thing.

* Depression - I’m going through a “good period” right now, which means I’m only down or disinterested a couple days per week despite being on two antidepressants.

* Trazodone - betrayed by my sleep meds! We’re weaning off that one now.

So yeah. Next steps are a few tests with a psychologist. I was hoping for a recommendation for a supplement or a prescription for a medication, but I’ll just do it stupid for the next little bit until the testing.

[jenthebug]

Okay, my mood has plummeted. I’m spiraling.

What if I have ADHD? All the messes and losing things and social blunders and unfinished projects and abandoned hobbies would suddenly make sense! At 43. 43 years of a probably short life. But, like, that would be the best case scenario.

What if it’s menopause or chemo brain? Ritalin doesn’t work for those. Estrogen is a non-starter. What would I do? Just deal with it? Keep up with the writing things down and the mnemonics and the sinking feeling of “I forgot something and I don’t know what” and try to work around it?

What if it’s depression? Like I mentioned, my depression is what I’d consider “under control.” I still feel depressed a couple days a week on two separate meds, and if my cognitive function isn’t all there, it really isn’t that controlled, is it? That means a probable psychiatrist visit and changing psych meds, which I hate every time. What if things get worse?

What if it’s my trazodone and I can’t sleep? Once again, we’re fucking with psych meds and my sleep. Which will not be helpful, obviously.

What if it’s all of the above?

I just want to be able to come to work and throw the fuck down. Think ten minutes ahead. See the big picture. Stop making decisions on impulse. Move the late cars out and bring the early cars in. All the things that I can parrot back perfectly but just can’t execute consistently.

If I didn’t love the work I do so much, I’d just get an easier job, but I genuinely look forward to going to work.

I’m so worried that either nothing can be done, or everything will have to change.

And my appointment to start the process isn’t until July 14. [facepalm] After I (hopefully) patch, on my own, with no brain enhancement to help me out.

It could be ADHD. I could take stimulants about it and hope my therapist understands ADHD and can teach me some stuff (or find another therapist who will teach me how to work with my brain). That would be ideal: something with a solution. But I’d also feel like a dick, because what does Cory have? A rockin case of ADHD. (Let’s not open the genetics can of worms right now wrt mom vs dad’s brains—I’ll stop right there)

But I can’t pin all my hopes on that. I need to be more diligent (hey, my 2025 word!) about writing shit down, creating ways for myself to remember things, taking a good couple seconds to think before I decide, and asking coworkers what works for them. I have to assume that nothing (or everything, or my sleep, or my antidepressants) will change, and it’ll be up to me to get my memory in order.

Which is how it has been.

And it hasn’t been working.

Hopefully going down on the trazodone helps and still allows me to sleep, because that starts tonight.

[jenthebug]

Oh.

OH!

I just realized something.

All my jobs from like 2002 on?

They’ve all followed a pattern.

Wait for something to happen (a pizza order, a line at my ride, a phone call, a demand from my child, a customer, an emergency), then respond to it.

Before that, I had an office job where I had a stack of work and a deadline. I was *horrible* at that shit. I was on livejournal all day, lol fuck that.

I need that *ping* to remind me to DO TASK. Just seeing the tasks piled up beside me was simultaneously not enough to get me to work, and overwhelming.

My bariatric clinic job was the first job in decades where I had to be self directed. I set timers and reminders for my side work, preparing charts and other tasks. I for some reason hyper focused on my boxes, the project where I had to clear out medical records. So I survived that.

But yeah. I work best (one could argue that “I only work”) when I’m prompted to do a task.

Never ever let me apply for a lieutenant position, by the way.

Holy crap, big puzzle piece has been placed in the puzzle that is my brain.

[jenthebug]

It’s 4:20 and I wanna get BAAAAAAKED

But I am abstaining until I finish training. I need my brain to be at its peak. Even then, I worry that it’s not good enough, that I’ll wash out instead of patching. (You know what helps me with anxiety? weed)

It is strenuous, it almost hurts, to fully focus for 2-3 hours at a time on a difficult and ever-changing series of tasks, each with its own little set of details. It will become easier with time, which is great, but it’s not easy now.

I’m trying to relax after work, like I usually do on Sundays. It’s not happening today, which is unfortunate. I need a project that has nothing to do with work (so editing my romance novel about EMS won’t fly), that will suck me in and get me excited enough to start.

Maybe I’ll make another set of nails. Or draw a landscape with watercolor pencils. Or practice braiding my bangs back. Soon it will be time to play Mario Kart with Twin Bro, that’ll be fun.

[jenthebug]

I work 1200-1600 today.

(I got moved back to Burly Man’s shift but he’s off Sunday, I have to get those 4 hours somewhere)

Anyway, this morning as I was waking up and feeding the animals, I had the worst thought: “I’m gonna forget to go to work.”

This is such a weird shift that I could totally see myself getting distracted and just not going.

So. I’ll chill until 1000, eat lunch, take a shower, get ready, and be out the door by 1100. I even have an alarm set.

For now, I have some very important Stardew Valley to play! Just unlocked Ginger Island on my newest playthrough.

[jenthebug]

Oh, *that's* why I'm on disability

Most days, from the start of the year until today, have been good days (minus a few for another cold >_<). I've been at my baseline fatigue level (4/10, avoiding high energy tasks, doing everything else tired), being productive around the house.

That, combined with my lack of income (still waiting on disability), made me think, well wtf, why don't I just go back to work if I'm doing so okay?

Then today happened. 6/10 fatigue all day (low energy tasks only, and only the necessary ones; cooking is hard, some foods may be hard to eat). Very little work got done. I've been brain foggy all day, forgetting my tea and my water and words.

Almost let the cat out. He was walking toward the back door like the dog does, so I said, "Soba, want out?" and reached for the door.

I wish you could have seen the look he gave me. If he could have said "Dafuq?" he totally would have.

So I actually had a conscious thought. Soba = inside cat. Do not let out. "OH! Sorry Soba, that's not what I meant to say." And then he went downstairs on his merry way.

But yeah! Today has been awful and unproductive and brain foggy! Good reminder that I'm actually where I need to be. But damn, I wish days like this didn't happen. (And also that I had an income. Come on money cat.)

[jenthebug]

ANOTHER section of my scar opened up.

Talked to Dr Twin Bro about it. He said to hit the protein hard, keep everything clean and dry, and take a multivitamin. I have a doctor appointment on Friday*, and I should know more then.

*But insertcaffeine, don’t you work Friday? Well, not after a run in with a very frustrated Captain. I can’t take PTO without it being FMLA, which it wouldn’t be (yet, note to self: maybe ask about that), so she booted me off my shift that day and put me on a 05:30 shift on Wednesday instead.

I hate frustrating The Captain! 😭 Okay, imagine the coolest person you know. Give her a brain the size of a planet. Then give her significant power over you. That’s The Captain.

Anyway, one of these days I’m gonna have a solid scar on my belly, my hemoglobin’s gonna be like 10, and I’ll be slinging cars so well that The Captain notices and thanks me. And then I’ll go on vacation and soak in a hot tub because I won’t need any PTO for doctor appointments.

For now it’s almost bedtime and I’m not even close to wound down. Haha oops