#inuukag

[ajoy3fanfics]

PTSD and other reasons to stay awake

Kagome was not a girl who was used to sleeping problems.

In the past, she was the one who slept late, couldnt be bothered to wake with the rising sun and begged for more time. She could find slumber whether on the cold dirt ground or perched high on a tree against Inuyashas back. But when she laid in her plush bed, pillows surrounding her, linen clean and comfortable, she found herself wide awake, and she hated it. Kagome took to counting the ceiling tiles, listing off the periodic table of elements, naming the cities if Japan by alphabetical order. If she was still, if she had more than a moment, she would think. And when she thought, she spiraled.

It was so much easier to disassociate in the moment; easy, in fact, to shoot arrows at a beast thrice her size, watch the man she loved rake his claws through another’s flesh, the red stains trickling down his hands as he flicked his wrist, ridding himself of the blood. They were enemies, literal demons in fact, and it was kill or be killed, and Inuyasha would not go down without a fight.

It was war.

But once Naraku was gone, and the great evil was defeated, she was left with nothing to do but process. The chunk of years she was removed from society, absent from the lives of those around her was one aspect she struggled with. Doing her best to catch up, trying to mend together bits of information and not feel affronted at the depth of relationships around her was something that left her silently sobbing into her pillow at most nights. Sota had kissed his first girl, grandpas sister- her sweet, old aunt- had passed, and she was probably the only remaining virgin in her age bracket it seemed.

Kagome was well aware she had PTSD. She was a smart girl, and she could recognize the symptoms; but knowing her demon didn’t make it any easier to face. It wasn’t as if she could speak to a therapist- or anyone for that matter. The moment she opened her mouth and began to weave a tale of time travel and power hungry demons would be the precise moment she was committed and medicated. Even her own family, privy to some of her more unsavory adventures, had difficulty relating to her trauma. They didn’t understand the fear that crept up her spine when the wind blew at night, her mind still racing and on high alert, even after years of sleeping in her own bed. They had never known the bone weary exhaustion, the tireless whispers of the villagers, the panic she felt daily as they raced the clock to destroy another being. And yes, during those years she smiled, during those times she still found it in her to laugh and forgive and even fall in love. But when it was over, and she was left alone, in a world so far apart from the one she fought for, peace did not come so easily for her.

She wondered if her friends faced the same troubles, if they laid awake at night, trying to tally the number of foes fallen between them. And while she would not have changed it, would stand beside them all and slaughter each one again, the weight of their actions, even when justified, took a toll on her. Kagome had to remind herself that the opponents they faced were often too far gone with power lust and rage to be left alone. They were dangerous demons, wild and seeking out trouble.

But then her mind would race to Inuyasha, and the times that he struggled to control his fury, eyes bleeding red, skin marked with bright purple stripes, a clear signal from nature to back off if she had ever seen one. Yet during those times, she could bring him back, lure him away from the edge and return to the man she loved. Could that have been true for all of them? Maybe just some? Did they have families? Lovers waiting for their safe return? Or were they rouge agents, solely under the control of the spider demon?

It was thoughts like those that kept her awake, kept her mind reeling. No one understood, no one could relate even in the slightest, so she did her best to smile, and not let it crack. If she lied very still, her mother would think her asleep. If she laughed when her friends did, they would be none the wiser. If she helped grandpa with his duties she could stay busy, keep her mind and hands occupied, nodding along with his stories and theories when he paused in conversation for her response. She became rather good at that, picking up on small signals and facial cues, without knowing any of the substance of the conversation. It was empty and hollow, damaged and broken, but she could manage it. She had no other choice. And when the night terrors started, the endless dreams of her friends being torn limbs from limb, Inuyashas body painted red, she would wake up screaming. Some nights, her mother would hold her, cradling her head as she rocked her slowly back and forth. Other nights, she’d wake up drenched in sweat, hands flying behind her, ready to draw an arrow and shoot down the demons in her dreams. Some nights she would simply cry, hugging her pillow, praying her friends were safe; others she would go out and train, releasing her arrows at targets in the woods, the familiar cover of night giving her some comfort. It had been like this before, and that alone was its own sort of comfort. If her family was worried, they didn’t bring it up. Kagome didn’t know whether or not to be grateful.

When she finally climbed through the well, relief seeped through her bones to see the familiar sight of her hanyou, the only red he wore was that of his fire rat. He wasn’t hurt or maimed as she had seen him so many times in her dreams, and she felt a piece click inside her. It was a longing to be here again, to be with him, and she was certain that things would get better. They did not talk about the trauma, did not endulge in the pain that was a constant loop in kagomes mind as she hoped and feared they would. Whatever healing they needed, they had worked through years ago, happy to have avenged their families and found peace with their own. Despite that, being back in the feudal era was its own brand of healing, it’s own slow burning cleanse, to be back in the land she fought for, with the people she fought with. And for a while, it was enough. She wouldn’t burden those around her and bring up the past. Her friends constant vision for the future was pushing her along. And for a while, nothing seemed wrong.

You can only fool a hanyou for so long. After a while, he began to question her. Why wouldn’t she sleep? Did she regret coming back? Coming to him? When kagome struggled to voice it, to tell him that no, she was happier than she had been in years, but she was still sorting through her trauma he grew impatient and left. It was hard to admit and rather embarrassing to admit she was so screwed up all these years later, when no one else was. She hasn’t lost her entire village like Sango, it had her brother manipulated. Her family wasn’t cursed as Miroku’s had been, and Naraku had not taken the life of the one she loved like Inuyasha. She had lost the least but somehow reacted the worst.

He came back to their small hut later that night, knowing she would be awake. He sat by their futon beside her, unsure if he should climb in, afraid of her answer. Pure instinct drove kagome to spring into his arm, burying her nose into the crook of his neck. “I’m sorry.” She murmured, over and over again, and she tried to explain the numb existence she had been living for the last 3 years.

Kagome felt selfish explaining it, the words tumbling from her lips in broken pieces, and every statement was punctuated with an apology. She didn’t want to be this broken, didn’t want to return to him so damaged. He had managed to let it go, and he had lost so much.

“Let it go?” He echoed, brows drawn together in confusion. He gripped her shoulders, pulling her in close, as if she would disappear any moment. Tucked in, he told her of his sleepless nights during their journey, not only for protection of their group, but also to combat the nightmares. If they were doing the right thing, why did each death weigh so heavily on him? If their course of action was for the good of everyone, why couldn’t he get the blood off his hands, even after he scrubbed them clean? He knew he would do it all again, but it did not seem to lessen the weight on his shoulders. He was often lost in thought, down his own rabbit hole of agnst and depression, a self loathing to intense he had trouble climbing out from it. But she had always been there, hands outstretched, ready to pull him out. And when she was gone, taken 500 years into the future, he found himself back down that hole again. Yes, there were friends eager to dig him out, but he only ever touched the surface. And for their sake, he tried. To smile, to laugh, to wear the mask kagome spoke about.

She understood. Having someone share in her feelings, understand without having to explain, vocalize the pain she had denied for so many years left her dizzy. She couldn’t have loved him more if she tried.

Kagome blessed him for being the soul that he was, for carrying the weight for so long; she knew the feeling all too well. They weren’t alone any longer. They could share the burden. She kissed him then, slow and tender, wet with tears as they slid down her cheeks, her hands fisted in his hair. Maybe they would not be able to sleep, but now they had each other, and the nights would not be so lonely.

[xoxopandapanda]

Functionally Dysfunctional part 2

Part 1 3 4  5 6 7 8 9 10

Inuyasha loved being a husband. He loved waking up to Kagome sleeping next to him, or to the smell of Kagome fixing up a small breakfast for the two of them. For three years, nearly every morning started off with spending time with his beautiful wife.

This morning was not that different, except for how Kagome was sleeping.

He reached his arm over to find her, but found only empty space. Cracking an eye open, he looked at her side of the bed.

‘This is new.’ He thought as he took in how she was sleeping.

The upper half of her body was suspended off the bed, her arms dangling towards the ground. It looked like the only keeping her even on the bed was her legs that she jammed underneath him (so in a sense he was the only thing keeping her on the bed).

Grabbing the back of her shirt, Inuyasha lifted the sleeping woman back onto the bed before shifting them around until she was sleeping on his chest.

Kagome made happy little noises in her sleep, but didn’t wake up, so Inuyasha joined his wife in another fee minutes of slumber.

An angry Inuyasha was a fairly common thing in Kagome’s life, although not that common that she doesn’t get worried when he gets so angry that he sits in his chair at home and won’t speak.

She knew it was bad when Buyo clambered his fat body on to her husband and Inuyasha didn’t even move to pet his fat buddy.

Judging by how loudly Buyo was yelling at Inuyasha’s face, he was also concerned for his favorite human.

Kagome realized that he was so out of it because of anger that he hadn’t noticed she had come home. Leaving as quietly as she came, Kagome ran down to the little hole in the wall ramen restaurant to pick him up his favorite dinner.

Once she can home, she gave him his bowl, and sat quietly next to him, giving him the space he needed to calm down, knowing he would talk to her when he was ready. Inuyasha ate the food after giving his wife a grateful smile. Kagome ate as much as she wanted before giving him the rest of her bowl.

He didn’t talk to her about what was bothering him that night, and she didn’t press it.

Kaede had decided that she like Inuyasha. He was an easy man to get to do little favors for her, although his mouth said some of the rudest things she could imagine. Kagome tried to scold him for it, but it clearly had no affect.

They were quite the odd pair.

But when Inuyasha wandered over to her yard and began to do work on her bushes and garden, she realized he had a good heart. She also realized she probably shouldn’t have questioned him because his answer of “Kagome would kill me if you died out here” wasn’t that out of character for him.

But the day she fell I’ll with a horrible cold, she didn’t expect the young man to come over without his wife with medicine he had her.

He wasn’t a talker, that was obvious, but he showed that he cared in other ways. Kagome showed her affection boldly through words; Inuyasha showed in small actions.

Kaede supposed that’s what made then work.

[thefeelsmaster]

Addiction

{Inuyasha / Kaogme} Words 97, 292 Rate M Status Complete Author JaiPrincess9487 --- Addiction is serious, addiction can lead to obsession, Kagome soon finds that out the hard way. Discovering she's addicted to sex, she begins to risk everything to gain what she wants, even her marriage to the one man she's ever loved... --- Link

[ajoy3fanfics]

Kagome

Kagome awoke with a start, heart beating fast and mind racing. She blinked, letting her eyes become adjusted to the dark as she tried to distinguish the shadowy figures that she knew to be the furniture of their home. It was chilly now that the fire had died out, the last of the embers still fighting to hold their glow, and despite telling herself over and over that she was safe, she still couldn’t shake the terrible dream that chilled her to the bone.

“Inuyasha…” Kagome whispered in the dark, turning over to face the dog demon, running her hands over his sides, inching closer to her husband. “Inuyasha, wake up.”

He yawned as he stretched on their futon, immediately scooping his wife into his arms and holding her close, letting his chin rest atop the crown of her thick black hair. Kagome nestled into his chest as she felt large hands splayed across her back, lazily rubbing circles to try and comfort her. Still half asleep he mumbled, “Whas’ the matter?”

He had never been a deep sleeper, never been much of a sleeper at all really, but once they married she found that Inuyasha enjoyed laying down to safely rest at the end of a long day, a simple gesture that was never afforded to him in his younger years.

“I had a bad dream.” Kagome felt a little like a pouting child as the words spilled out from her. It was silly to wake a sleeping man in the middle of the night simply because she couldn’t get over some messed up concoction from her own imagination. Even still, she gripped him tighter, hoping that if she had enough contact with the hanyou he could chase away all the demons in her head. He hummed at her admission, still stroking her back. “What happened?” He asked, voice still laced with sleep.

“I- I dreamt that I was trying to reach you… I kept reaching out my hand and you were so close, but we couldn’t connect. We were surrounded by the dark and- and I kept reaching out for you… there was just, just nothingness…” Taking in an unsteady breath, Kagome did her best to hold back her tears, closing her eyes as tightly as she could muster. She knew there was nothing to cry over, but even speaking about the dream left an unpleasant weight on her chest.

Kagome felt Inuyasha place a kiss on the top of her head, giving her a tight squeeze to reassure his wife. His voice was a low rumble, a soothing sound to chase away the dark. “It’s okay baby; I’m here.”

She nodded against his chest, this time unable to stop the flood of tears as they escaped. “Yeah. You are.” She let the silence fall over them, let herself get lost in his scent, the rise and fall of his chest as it began to lull her to sleep. “You promise you’ll always find me?” She asked half dazed.

“Feh, you really need to ask?” He reached between them and pulled the blanket up, making sure his little wife was shielded from the cold. Hooking his thumb under her chin, he tilted her head back so he could plant a chaste kiss on her full lips. “Nothin’ could keep me from you.” He kissed her once more before he tucked her head under his chin. “Now get some sleep woman. You’re a nightmare when you don’t get enough rest.”

Kagome playfully slapped him as she huffed, a fleeting moment of anger that quickly turned to content. Yes, he would be there when she woke, just like every other day. Her husband would fight her demons, even those in her dreams.

[ajoy3fanfics]

Missing pt. VI

PT.V

Also found on FF.NET 

Tag list: @cstorm86 @shadykit  

AN: Surprise picture of what I’ve been up to at the end!

~.~

It looked like his entire body wilted; ears drooped, shoulders sagged, the phone he had fought so hard for looked heavy in his limp hand. All of him looked utterly defeated, a sight so polar opposite from the feisty hanyou who prided himself on his strength. Miroku thought back to the time he has visited Inuyasha on a job site, purposefully coming early to catch a glimpse of his best friend and possibly embarrass him; He found him in the center of the action, the construction sight little more than dirt and steel, Inuyasha hoisting up the heavy metal himself, then bracing it as his employees came round to assist. Finishing quickly, he called for his crew to go to lunch, walking over to him with sweat on his brow and a smile. He looked more like a god with his Herculin strength than a half demon; In that moment, Miroku was convinced he was invincible. Now Inuyasha looked like a shell of the man he once was. Miroku stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do next or how to approach.

“Did you know?” The hanyou asked, gaze fixated on the wall in front of him. Miroku swallowed hard before answering.

“Kinda. Sort of.” Miroku combed his hands through his damp hair.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Inuyasha asked wearily.

“Oh, yeah, I’m going to be the one to break it to guy who just got released from the hospital with brain trauma that the ex girlfriend he’s fixated on has started dating.”

When Inuyasha made no signs of movement, he wondered if what he said registered at all. Sighing, he walked to the dresser, leaning against it. “I knew she was seeing someone. I’m not sure how serious it is.”

That finally got Inuyashas attention; he turned lethargically to look at him. When he said nothing, Miroku continued on, desperate to ease the tension.

“I know she’s gone out a few times with him, that’s whats Sango said at least.” Hearing her best friends name, the dog demons ears perked up.

“What does Sango say about him?” He asked. Miroku pressed his lips together, letting out a long winded hmmmm.

“Honestly?” He asked. Inuyasha nodded, saying nothing. “She thinks he’s okay. A little conceited perhaps, but Sango thinks hes good for her. She needed to move on. And he…he seems to really like Kagome.” He finished with a shrug.

“But does Kagome likehim?” He blurted in a rush, the first burst of energy he had seen in a while. His golden eyes seemed bright and fragile, like Mirokus answer could make or break him. He knew he had to tell him the truth, give him a dose of reality, but he had to do it delicately.

“Dude, she wouldn’t be seeing him if there wasn’t somethingshe liked. Maybe it’s best to let her go.” He crossed over to the bed, taking a seat near his oldest friend and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Kagome was a mess when you guys split. She’s finally putting her life back together.  Maybe you should just let it be, you know? She’s moving on and you can too. If you don’t want it to be with Kikyo fine, but-”

Inuyasha let the words rattle around his brain as he let Miroku prattle on, paying very little attention to what he was saying. Once he suggested he should stop pursing Kagome he had very little interest in hearing the rest. Knitting his brows together as he tried to piece together this fucked up mess he was in. So Kagome was with some guy, and was probably happy. Probably.

When they were together there was no question as to how she felt. She was always giving him smiles, small touches that were discrete yet intimate, just enough to let others know she was his, and he was hers. They were happy together, he knewit. He would come home from work, still sweaty and dirty despite cleaning up before leaving, and she would never shy away from his embrace, laughing as she shriveled up her nose, directing him to the shower with a playful push. They would go to bed together, sometimes separate, yet still wake up tangled in each other. And as for the bedroom-  well, he could stake his life on it that she was happier with him. He brought his attention back to Miroku, still in the middle of his sermon.

“-There’s plenty of other women out there, man. Kagome’s great and all but its time to move on.”

Seriously? He was telling him to let Kagome go off and be with some asshole, just like that?

“You want me to let her go?” He spat. “No way in Hell.”

Miroku frowned. “You already did. I know you don’t remember man, but the world has kept spinning. It’s been a long time for all of us since you two split. Its not fair to her to put this on her, not when she’s finally getting over you.”

Was he being selfish? It wouldn’t be the first time he was accused of it.

But the idea of letting Kagome go…

He wasn’t sure he could do it.

From everything he’d gathered, their break up hadn’t been easy on Kagome;

“I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can let her go. Especially to some conceited prick. I cant give her to him.” His voice was raw, cracked.

“She’s not yours to give away.” His tone was firm. “She’s not a toy or something you own; she makes her own choices, Inuyasha.” Its not like this was easy on her either.” Miroku sighed. “Even as hurt as she was, she still came running to see you in the hospital. I’m sure she still has some lingering feelings for you- it would make sense. But shes just starting to move on.“ Miroku’s voice grew sterner. “Maybe you could get to her. Maybeyou could break her and this guy up, and squeeze your way back in her heart. But does she deserve that? Doesn’t she have a right to be with who she wants? Just because you cando something, doesn’t mean you should.”

Maybe he was right.

Maybe he should let her be. He knew in his heart, in his gut, his soul called for her; that if he somehow recovered his memories he wouldn’t regret his choice to send Kikyo away, to try and pursue Kagome to the ends of the Earth.  As certain as he was that shewas who he wanted… He couldn’t say the same for her. Did she even want him? Back then, without a doubt, but now…? Who the hell was he to judge for her? The details of their demise were sparse, but he obviously did a number on Kagome. If he did half the things she and Miroku were saying he did, what right did he have to love her? Should he let her go?

It would hurt like fucking Hell.

Inuyasha looked down at the phone in his hand, the picture of Kagome still lighting up the screen. She was wearing a white summer dress, a floppy sun hat shielding her from the harsh sunlight. She was in a field of sun flowers, the yellow glow surrounding her, a stranger with blue eyes and a white smile by her side. She had asked him to go with her, practically beggedhim to. He dismissed the idea easily, not wanting to go just for a pictures sake. Kagome had insisted that they could pick the flowers, that the farm looked like it came out of a dream, but Inuyasha was unmoved.

She looked spectacular; he wished so badly he had gone with her then, taken the time to do the little things. And she was right; the pictures were amazing- shelooked amazing. Studying the picture, he couldn’t help but wonder: is she happy?

“I swear I know this fucker from somewhere.” He grunted, finally pulling his eyes from the image of her. Every time he saw it, it felt like his heart was shattering. He was afraid to scroll further; he didn’t know how he’d handle if it if he saw her in the arms of another man, another demon.

“That’s Koga.” Miroku supplied. “They work together. He’s the gym teacher at her school.”

Fuck.

So she spent her entire day, Monday through Friday around this guy? Was he making moves on her while they were together? Did he try anything? That fucker probably slipped right in when they broke up. He probably saw an opportunity and pounced. He-

“Slow your roll.” Mirkoku cut through his spiraling thoughts. “I can already see where you’re going with this. You’re going to give yourself wrinkles if you think this hard.” Miroku stood up and promptly grabbed the phone from his hand. “She met him a like 2 months ago. He’s a new teacher at her school.”

Inuyasha frowned. For some reason, that didn’t make him feel better.

“Come onnnn.” Miroku drew out the word. “You’ve been given a second chance at life here! A do over!  Any mistakes you made In the last six months, fuck, you don’t even remember them! We should be celebrating. It’s a miracle your alive, and okay. We need to be living it up. So what if Kagomes dating. You should date too!” He was practically bursting with energy. “I’ll take you to a singles bar.”

“Pass, thanks.” He commented quickly, immediately disliking the idea. His best friend laughed, knowing what his reaction would be. The fact that he didn’t say ‘I’m not single, asshole’ was already an improvement on their earlier conversations.

“Just think about it. If you’re going to disrupt her life, make sure its worth it. Now in case you didn’t notice, I need to finish getting ready, so get out.”

As he was pushed out of the bedroom (literally) Inuyasha couldn’t help but wonder:

Should he let her go?

He knew he didn’t want to. Everything in him screamed not to.

But was it just selfishness?

For the first time, he needed to asked himself “what is best for Kagome?”

He wasn’t sure he was going to like the answer.  

AN:: I got a puppy and hes perfect! The next week I’ll be pretty slammed with work, but I will do my best to get another chapter out! Hope you enjoyed it!