#is bullshit) and i took the right handed battles because i gotta keep him humble

[sorrellegiance]

dinner party!!

to the left: talking very seriously about my studies and internship and asking about a mutual acquaintance's upcoming nuptials (76yo violinist)

to the right: talking equally seriously about shark reproduction and arm wrestling/thumb warring (8yo cousin)

[andy-loves-corgis]

All of The Lights - Ch 6 (TRR AU)

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: I’ts really messy this one

Rating: M (I can’t make them not curse  I guess…)

Word count: ~ 6,700 (I did it because I love you!)

Notes: This bitch is back after her big event, and I brought you a lot of words to make up from my absence, thanks for waiting for me ♥️

WARNING: Read the Prologue! Every chapter has TWO timelines, Before (about a year before the Prologue) and After (two years after the prologue), if you don’t pay attention to that you might get confused!

Between broken glass

Thank you for the grave, I needed me a place to sleep...

BEFORE

He was careful not to be late, after Riley’s little stunt the week before Drake wasn’t remotely interested in facing her rage once again, so he knocked on her door 15 minutes earlier, though he wouldn’t admit it, he wanted to check on her, this wouldn’t be a great day, he knew by heart.

 Riley didn’t answer his knock, so he opened a peek on the door just to see if she was there, the image greeting him being priceless.

 “Why man great til they gotta be grey? Woo!” Riley had her back to the door, headphones on, and was swinging her behind, her injured foot supported by a fluffy pillow on the ground, a canvas half painted in front of her. “I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m a 100% that bitch. Diva when I’m crying craz... Drake!”

 He was leaning on her doorframe with his arms crossed on his chest, an amused smirk on his lips.

 “I don’t think those are the actual lyrics” he watched her roll her eyes taking off her headphones and moving to kiss his cheek.

 “I’m not a woman to comply with such things as actual lyrics, Drake” it was his turn to roll his eyes.

 “Are you sure you wanna do this?” He asked carefully even though he knew she wouldn’t change her mind.

 “There’s no Royal Ballet casting without Riley York, even if she isn’t dancing. Shall we?”

 Drake sighed and gave his arm to support her, a quick and dead silent ride to the national theater was enough for Drake realize Riley’s mood shifting, sulking, her jaw clenching. He shouldn’t have let her come.

 The press swarmed the place, Drake forgot the women in the social season were trying for a part too.

 “Lady Riley, here! David Combs from Cordonia Weekly.” Someone shouted behind Drake and Hans. “How do you feel watching the cast from the audience for the first time in four years?”

 A surging will of punching him washed over Drake, he hated press and their way to make everything worse for the nobles.

 “I’m happy for the other contestants” Riley faked a smile and kept walking, putting more force than needed on her injured foot.

 As they got inside the contestants were greeted by the Royal Family, no one looking in their direction, he couldn’t spot Savannah among them, secondary parts weren’t that important for the Rhys.

 Riley dragged him to a row farther from the rest, pulling her leg to the middle of the seats in front of her and taking from her purse a bag of Doritos and her bottle of pills.

 One by one the contestants went to the dressing room and the royals filled the front seats. Sherman Dowley, a bald lean man who had led the Royal Ballet for the past 10 years took the stage.

 “Thank you all for your presence today, as you know the Royal Ballet of Cordonia is a centennial institution and housed incredible talent over the years. Cordonia is a magnificent kingdom and I’m humble to start our casting with the presence of our monarchs. God save King Constantine!”

 Everyone stood and Riley cursed beside him to get her foot from between the seats, giving up and standing on one foot.

 “God save King Constantine!”

 “For this year presentation, we are doing our version of Swan Lake, our dancers have been training for the past weeks for their tests. As I told them last week, our version looks for passion, a meeting between Tchaikovsky piece and the raw emotion from the beautiful tragedy. First, come our little swans”

 They clapped and Drake spotted Savannah among the other dancers in their pristine white collants. He could hear Riley counting the steps beside him, and smiling as he thought Savannah land gracefully all the steps, he knew she had been helping his sister improve since the year before.

 After the girls, it was time for the boys to try for the main role, surprisingly Drake found Maxwell Beaumont among them.

 “Now” Dowley started again “it’s time for our graceful Odette with their deceiving Odile living inside them.”

 “What’s this story about?” Drake whispered to Riley, who by now was in the middle of her Doritos.

 “Love, revenge... Odette was cursed by Rothbart, becoming a swan for the day and a woman through the night. She met Siegfried, a Prince that never loved no one, they obviously fall in love, but Rothbart tries to deceive him with his daughter Odile... really? Adele? I adore her but she couldn’t play Odile... or Odette...”

 Drake watched as the girl on the stage slowly lost confidence on her movements.

 “Anyway” Riley turned back to him. “Siegfried is deceived by Rothbart and chooses to marry Odile”

 “And...?”

 “Well, it depends on the end they choose. Siegfried can battle Rothbart, kill him and live happily ever after with Odette by his side... or she can decide to die.”

 A shiver ran through Drake, he didn’t know why.

 Next on the stage was Olivia, her first routine as Odette was too sharp according to Riley, being more suited to Odile.

 “She always loses because of that, ballet is art, not battle.”

 Next was Madeleine, her movements graceful and surgical, but her face, as always, was stoic. He wondered if Madeleine had emotions at all.

 Drake grabbed the bag of Doritos from Riley’s hand and tipped the crumbles in his mouth, bored to death, some random girl was messaging him, and he decided he wasn’t answering.

 Finally, after what felt like a week to Drake, Dowley was back to the stage with all the contestants.

 “First, I would like to congratulate all of you, you were amazing. Let’s start with our swans, so graceful, the main dancers for that part are Rachael Kaine, Tzofiya Scudder, Abella Alladon, Penelope Cranddler and Savannah Walker!”

 The crowd cheered and Savannah looked delighted while Drake and Riley were raising their thumbs to her.

 “For our Siegfried, it was a close tie, but mister Maxwell Beaumont showed all the grace for the main part”

 Another round of applause and a curt nod from Bertrand followed. Dowley called other names Drake never heard of, then he felt Riley tensing by his side.

 “Now, our Odette and Odile, the star of our night, all of you young ladies brought your personal touches to the part, while one of you brought the grace we all needed...”

 “I could’ve beaten all of them with my eyes closed” Riley muttered; Drake could almost taste the bitterness in her words.

 “Congratulations, Lady Madeleine!” 

 Her ever present mask didn’t fall even while being selected, she opened a sweet smile and bowed with her hands on her heart, and an unmistakable glint in her eyes, she knew she was going to win.

 “Bullshit” Riley crunched the Doritos bag into a ball and chewed on her lower lip, she was hurt. “I wanna leave.”

 “You know you can’t without congratulating them, the press will make their day for a picture of you losing control” Drake held her shoulders. “Don’t give them this.”

 “Then I wanna get wasted tonight” she pouted.

 “As long as you’re buying” Drake smirked as she punched his arm. 

 They waited on the line to congratulate the dancers, Madeleine wearing a victorious smile beside Leo, who was on his fourth glass of champagne in five minutes.

 “Oh Riley, I wished you could’ve been here” 

 Of course you did, beating Riley would be even better than the rest, you snake.

 “I wish too but you were so marvelous that I felt like I was dancing with you” Riley’s words slipped as lines on a long-forgotten play, her smile just a shadow of what it was in reality. “You’ve earned every bit of it”

 It reminded Drake why he hated court and how he felt seeing Riley so deep in the venom and lies.

 “You made it!” Her attitude shifted instantly once she saw Savannah, giggling delighted by the compliments, he noticed her throwing furtive glances towards where the Beaumonts were gathered with Penelope’s parents. “We need to celebrate, let’s go to Maveen, I can set some private couches for us there!”

 Even though he saw his sister glow with the possibility of go out clubbing with Riley, Drake was fast in reminding Riley she was underage.

 “Oh right” Riley chewed on the inside of her cheek, “but... you know... isn’t it better if you can keep an eye on her, to teach her when she goes alone?”

 He knew the innocence of her words were feigned, but he couldn’t deal with those chestnut and sea-blue eyes pleading to him at the same time.

 “Okay, but you’re leaving at one, and Hans is to take her to the palace!”

 “YES!” Savannah exclaimed jumping on her brother. “Ohmygod I need to go back and choose a dress! Thank you, Riley!”

 “Have you heard? Madeleine is taking the whole VIP lounge of Maveen to celebrate the ballet; everyone is invited of course” Kiara and Madeleine approached them.

 “Even you Savannah, you earned it!” Madeleine added in her diplomatic tone.

 “Yeah sure, we were headed there anyway” Riley answered in a tired tone. “We better head back to the palace to get ready, see you there!”

 As she turned to leave, Riley ran on the Royal Family.

 “Oh, I’m sorry Your Highness, blessed to see you all here.” She added as the three of them bowed.

 “It was a pity not seeing you up there, Lady Riley” Regina started, and Liam excused himself to go talk to Bastien.

 “But also, a breath of fresh air for someone else leading the show, Countess Madeleine is so precise and clean in her movements” Constantine continued as if Riley wasn’t there.

 “Madeleine is immensely talented” Riley lowered her head.

 “I hope we can see your passion on stage soon! And congratulations on your casting, Lady Savannah.”

 “Thank you, Your Highness” Savannah and Riley answered in unison, the first one with a gushy smile, the second barely showing her teeth.

 “Let’s get out of here” he whispered to Riley, who just nodded, inhaling deeply before putting on a smile for the press.

 Drake couldn’t process the questions, it went from her feelings towards Madeleine’s victory, to her lack of appearances with Liam.

 A loud sigh was heard as soon as Drake stepped on the limo.

 “Is everything okay with you and Liam?” Savannah couldn’t hold herself and avoided Drake’s glare.

 “I don’t know, the ‘Liam and I’ thing is something I have to keep up with daily, like those Kardashian’s show” she tried to crack up a laugh but sounded mechanical.

 “Drake should help you, I mean, take you out to relax...”

 “Savannah, if you don’t stop, I’ll make you go to the palace by foot...” Drake clenched his jaw. “I don’t get involved in my friend’s relationships; you should start doing it too.”

 An awkward silence filled the limo after Savannah opted to stay silent, for the next minutes of the ride, each one was buried in their cellphones.

 “Well, we can leave by 9, ok?” Riley asked when Hans parked outside the palace entrance and the Walker siblings just nodded. “See you there!”

 “Savannah, stop with your fantasy of Riley and I together, she’s my best friend, we grew up together, there’s nothing here...”

 “Sorry” she muttered “I just think you would be better for her than Liam”

 “If Liam isn’t good for her, it’s only up to her to decide.”

 Drake decided to nap the rest of the time he had before being dragged out to meet their group of nobles in a stuffy club.

 Riley was wearing a colorful Versace dress that looked like it cost hundreds of euros, and it probably did. Savanna was behind her with a dark green knee-length dress, she borrowed it from Riley for sure, he remembered that dress.

 The club was everything Drake hated, crowded, expensive and full of nobles and other rich kids.

 “You’re allowed three glasses of champagne, sister” Drake said as soon as they entered the VIP area, music blasting through the speakers, he was looking for a corner where he could drink a good whiskey in peace.

 As he found it, he proceeded to watch his sister from afar, giggling with the girls, dancing with Riley and darting looks somewhere to the other side of the room, she was pure and innocent, but he knew eventually he wouldn’t be able to control her anymore.

 “Hey” Drake heard someone say beside him, Kiara was wearing a short black dress with some strategic transparencies on the chest, her long hair was down, and her dark eyes glinted. He understood the appeal. “Aren’t you lonely in here?”

 Lonely. Drake didn’t see himself as a lonely person, his best friend understood he wasn’t the type of guy to talk about Polo with Neville and Rashad, like Liam was.

 “No, I’m good. Not very into this club thing.”

 “Me neither.” She chuckled; he didn’t know if it was a lie. “But it’s kind of an obligation to stay here to congratulate Madeleine.”

 Poor Leo had a Gin bottle to himself on the other corner.

 “Well, to less days kissing ass…” he raised his glass and she laughed openly before clinking her glass on his.

 It was when he noticed her standing in the middle of the room, he could always tell when Riley was bothered with something and as she moved closer and closer to him with her encased leg making her limp, he just knew she was.

 “Hey guys” she smiled to him and Kiara “Drake, you promised to get wasted with me. Come on!”

 Riley grabbed his wrist and pulled him behind her without sparing a second glance to Kiara as she moved to the bar.

 “You can thank me later, chances were that she was going to roofie you...”

 Not paying attention to her path and looking back to talk to him, Riley ended up stumbling on Rashad and spilling the remainder of his drink on the floor.

 “Oh my God, I’m so sorry Rashad!” She put a hand in Rashad’s shoulder as he looked to see if it has spilled on him. “I really didn’t see you. I’m really sorry, I can send it to dry cleaning if you want.”

 “It’s all good, no damage made!” He shrugged giving her a smile.

 But there was damage made, Liam looked furious.

 “Try not to make a scene when you’re drunk” he mumbled to his whiskey.

 “What was that, Liam?” She got closer to him; it was a bad idea.

 “Just try to stay composed when out drinking, nobody needs a scandal” he didn’t look at her. 

 “I stumbled, Liam! You have no idea how hard it is to walk on this shit!” She pointed to her leg.

 “Language, Riley. My father is right you need to be tamed.”

 Riley stood there blinking at him.

 “Tamed?! I’m not an animal!” she winced.

 “Well, you’ve been very irrational not to think someone would take pictures of you drunk at a party and send them to my father.”

 Drake saw sheer shock wash over Riley’s features, she shut eyes angrily and sighed deeply.

 “Liam.” Her voice was tired. “I couldn’t care less about that.”

 Liam was completely taken aback by her words and advanced a step towards her, she intended to turn around and leave but in the process,  she hit an empty flute of champagne that laid on the table next to her.

 It shattered instantly opening a large gash on the side of her hand.

 “Fuck!” She held her hand close to her chest.

 “It’s better if you leave, Lady Riley” Neville intervened, and Liam gave her his back.

 “Fuck you” Drake heard her whisper, as the blood started to run through her fingers.

 “Hey, let’s put a bandage on this ok?” He tried to sooth her as they walked far from Liam and his group, Drake took some napkins from a nearby table and gave to her to stop the bleeding.

 “I wanna leave, call Hans, please” she was breathless.

 “No, I’m going with you, I just need to text Savannah” he took his cellphone from his pocket and typed a series of rules for his sister, who was now laughing beside Maxwell and Bertrand.

 Drake was careful to see if Riley was crying, but she just looked like if she wasn’t there at all, instead of calling Hans, he got an Uber to his favorite place out of town.

 “Where are we going?” Riley asked.

 “You said we were going to get drunk and you were buying” he bumped his shoulder on her.

 Her chuckle put him at ease for once in the past hour.

 “Show me the way then.”

 It was a rustic bar, all made from applewood, vintage barstool, some tables and booth seats, a small stage for bands and “talent night”.

 “Hey Al” he waved to a bearded middle age man, the owner of Wood Wheel. “Can you get me a table and a first aid kit?”

 Al looked puzzled realizing Riley’s presence behind Drake for the first time, there was some smeared makeup, a bloodstained Versace dress and an orthopedic booth, it wasn’t a very usual image for that bar.

 “Sure thing, Walker. Go hide in your table with your lady.”

 Drake rolled his eye and followed to the furthest booth of the place; Riley was wincing pulling the napkin from her cut.

 “Will you want anything to drink?” Al asked passing the first aid kit to Drake. “One whiskey for Drake and... Sex on the Beach for the lady?”

 Suddenly forgetting her pain, Riley shot a brow up, challenged.

 “Excuse me?! The lady likes her drinks like she likes women... strong.” She smiled to Al. “What’s your strongest drink?”

 It was time for Al shot a brow up.

 “There’s a shot of Traban, a pirate liquor, are you up to it?”

 “Bring two cups” when he left, she added in a lower voice. “I’m gonna fucking need it, shit this hurt”

 Drake chuckled pulling a piece of glass from her wound, as Al handed him his whiskey and the two cups Riley asked for and kept standing there.

 “I need to see you drinking, if you do both, I’ll put you on my Hall of Fame!”

 Riley inhaled deeply, her nose crinkling, she took one after the other without breathing, biting her lower lip after swallowing.

 “You brought a thought one, I liked her!” And he vanished looking for his polaroid.

 “You ok?” Drake asked studying her face.

 “That shit is insane, I feel numb.”

 “Good, ‘cause that’s gonna hurt” he poured anti-septic on the wound and Riley grunted to the point where she punched the wooden table, clenching her teeth as her eyes watered. “There, see you won’t even need stitches!”

 Riley laughed as he carefully bandaged her hand, he realized the alcohol was starting to take over her, afraid to fall behind, he gave his whiskey a big gulp.

 “Ok, how did you find this place?” She asked

 “After Jessica and I broke up, I couldn’t sleep so I drove aimlessly through the night and ended up here... Bastien had to pick me up, I left my car here.” Drake gave another gulp in his whiskey.

 “Was she your first love?” Riley rested her face in her hand, blinking her glassy eyes slowly.

 “I guess so...”

 “Oh, they have talent night here!” She suddenly changed the subject spotting a flyer on the wall. “Why don’t you come?”

 “Because I have some dignity left!”

 “No, let’s play a game, we need to guess right three things about each other, if I lose, I have to... offer a toast to Olivia at Cordonia’s Anniversary Ball” she was putting on high stakes. “But if you lose, you have to come on the next talent night.”

 “I know everything about you, York!” He shot the remainder of his whiskey down his throat. “This is going to be easy”

 “Let’s see, you start.”

 “Which horse, from all of the ones I take care of, including yours, is my favorite?” She would never guess.

 “You make everyone think it’s Zeus, because he’s strong and you absolutely love to train him, but your favorite horse is Avalon, the renegade horse who couldn’t compete because of the malformation on his hooves, I remember how you were when they put him down... he will always be your favorite, you’ve tried until the end”

 Shit

 “Whatever, your turn”

 “What was my favorite song when I was 6?”

 “Come on! You’re being too specific!”

 “You said you knew everything about me, let’s test that” she smirked drunkenly.

 Drake forced his memory, when she was 6 he was 9, so they were at a stage where she was still too fragile for his pranks, but not a baby he had to watch over, it was back in time they were very into fantasy...

 “I know! It was from that really old movie from the 80’s with Bowie! Shit...” he started to hum the melody that Riley made slam through the speakers so many times. “... As the world falls down.”

 Riley slammed her fists on the table, defeated.

 “How can you remember that?”

 “I’m a winner, my turn” Drake started to feel the alcohol start to act on his system. “What’s my mother’s middle name?”

 “Melrose... and she hates it!” Riley sipped from a drink Drake haven’t seen arriving. “Ok, what I wanted to be when I grew up?”

 “Come on Riley, you’re making it too easy. The first astronaut to make a triple spin on Mars.”

 “That was a good one! I think I’ll pursue it”

 “Who was my first crush?”

 “Oh, that one is VERY easy” Drake didn’t know how, he had only talked about her to his father. “Lady Sophia, daughter of the Swedish diplomat, you sang to her on the talent show at the Apple Day that year. You were like... 11”

 “How can you know that? I’ve never told this to anyone!” Maybe his brain wasn’t in full function anymore because of all the alcohol.

 “Who was my first crush, Drake?” 

 “Liam, obviously, you two were basically promised to each other at birth”

 She started drunkenly laughing.

 “Well, I hope you remember the lyrics of that song you sang to Sophia, because you’re coming to the talent show. You’re wrong.”

 “No, I can’t be wrong, the only guy - who wasn’t a fictional character from a book or a cartoon - you ever talked to me about, was Liam”

 “Drake, you’re so silly” she was blinking very slowly, he could see her cheeks turning red, it was very unusual for Riley to blush.” I remember vividly of you singing to Sophia, because my first crush was... you.”

 What?

 .

AFTER

 Drake woke up with a headache and cursed himself for drinking too much, he wasn’t even supposed to be at that party last night, Madeleine’s birthday was the last thing that he wanted to celebrate, but being part of the court it would be a crime not to be there, and drink some fancy whiskey, or a lot of fancy whiskey.

 Cassidy called him 3 times and he didn’t answer, he sighed shutting his eyes close, head hung low as he supported his weigh on his bathroom sink. He refused to fall back on this behavior, blame it on this fucked up reality he was living in.

 He made his way to the kitchen certain that by this time he could get the leftovers of the breakfast, and maybe some Advil.

 “Someone had a very good night” Eleanor teased him from the sink as he got some eggs and croissants in his plate. “Was their whiskey better than our beer?”

 “Whiskey is always whis…” he stopped talking once a very familiar picture appeared at the TV. “Turn it up!”

 ALCOHOL, PILLS AND SUICIDE Inside Lady Riley York stay outside Cordonia

 They showed a series of pictures of Riley from two years prior, her partying, on her riding lessons, smiling with Madeleine and wearing ballgowns, then came the footage that made him lose his appetite.

 It showed a skin and bones Riley sitting on her bed at was looked like a hospital, probably the facility she stayed in Switzerland, her eyes had deep dark circles behind her eyes, she looked like a corpse, her hand was bandaged and it looked like she was being scolded.

 “We had access to her medical reports also.” Started the reported pointing to the side of the screen, which highlighted a lot of information from a document. “She entered the facility after a suicide attempt by drug overdose, several opioids were found in her system. The medical reports issued by Kusnacht Practice, a luxury rehab center in Switzerland, said she was resistant of the treatment in the beginning, but after 8 months, Lady Riley was completely clean and focused on her treatment.”

 “Well Taylor…” started the other journalist beside the woman, with an amused look. “… It is a facility that costs almost 80,000 euros PER WEEK, we’re talking about a 2.5 million stay in a 5-star hotel, it must have been horrible for poor Lady York. A rich girl, with a past of party animal, It’s a lesson for a lot of girls…”

 They moved back to the footage and Drake realized all the hair Riley was losing under the brush, how lost and dead were her eyes…

 “Enough!” Eleanor barked. “They have no respect!”

 Even though Eleanor saw how devastated Drake was after Riley left, she always had a soft spot for Riley, Drake knew that. He then heard a motion coming from the garage and marched there.

 “The press issued a request for a press conference directly from Lady York, as you know, if Lady York is here, the palace is forced to arrange it under five hours” Bastien started; he was with Mara, Hans and two other guards, Drake noticed Riley on the corner pulling dried skin from her lip, it was already bleeding, she looked lost. “I have orders to move lady Riley back to Valtoria, but I’m afraid they already issued the same request to your state…”

“If she isn’t in any of the places, how long does she have to issue a statement on her on?” Drake barged in, “if she isn’t in an official estate, she can only release a statement, right?”

“Right she could write, but if any limo leaves the palace she will be followed.” said Hans.

“I’ll take her to my property; from there she can decide how she will proceed on the next hours, I’ll keep you updated.”

“Are you sure?” Bastien added in a small voice to him, as Mara gave instructions to Riley to hide while passing through the staff gate.

“She… didn’t deserve that” Drake said as Bastien pat his shoulder.

By this time Mara was already moving Riley to his truck and Drake hadn’t had any time to register what he had done, he just got inside his truck as Riley lowered herself, hugging her knees. He looked outside but it didn’t look like anyone was outside the staff’s gate, he waited just a few more minutes, until the hit the highway to tell her the coast was clear.

Riley got up and pulled the seatbelt; as she moved to cross her legs Drake was taken by a déja vu; orange sky, music blasting through his speakers, Riley putting her foot on his dash and him pretending he was angry about that.

But in a blink of an eye he was back to the silence, her legs were crossed along with her arms, as if she was protecting herself from impact.

“Thank you” she muttered glancing at him then back to the empty road ahead of them. “I’m sorry, I don’t wanna be a burden, I… I can think of somewhere else to go.”

“You’re not going anywhere, York. I offered you my house, you can stay there thinking about your next step, call Hana and Maxwell if you think they can help you.” He noticed the scar o the side of her right hand from the shattered flute at Maveen’s, and a few other gashes on her knuckles and the back of hand.

She noticed his looks and fidgeted with the fabric of her sweater.

“It was on the day of that leaked video. I had been allowed to have a mirror on my bathroom after two weeks.” She chewed on the inside of her cheek. “I punched it really hard, I was son angry.”

“Why?”

“Because I couldn’t remember, I woke up on the other side of the Adriatic Sea without knowing why I was there, it took me weeks to remember most of it, but not everything.” She stopped for a second to breathe, her hand grabbing her own arm.

“Go on…” Drake almost whispered.

“I was frightened, they took everything, my cellphone, all the mirrors and sharp objects from the room… they… they took the bobby pins from my head, anything was harmful to me.” She stopped to breathe again.

“It’s okay to cry, Riley”

She turned her head fully to look at him, her blue eyes as deep as the Adriatic Sea.

“I’ve shed all my tears on that, on everything, I think…” she looked away, and he was glad she did. “I’ve spent the first week curled on the floor crying, I wanted to just vanish, disappear, it was all too much, I’ve stopped eating… And then I felt numb, I would eat if they told me to, smile if they told me to… until I saw myself in that mirror, I couldn’t handle that, I didn’t know who that person was.”

Drake realized he wasn’t breathing and inhaled deeply looking as the trees passed by.

“They stripped me of everything, I was alone, so I attempted to get better and start fresh, when I was discharged I flew to Thailand, lived among the people there, teaching English, thinking that it would be those trips to find myself. Then I moved to the US, started taking courses at NYU…until my mom decided six months ago that she wanted me back here, and now I think that it was because of Liam’s social season.”

“The dates match. Why didn’t you come back?”

“I was frightened that… that I would come back being old Riley, that this place would crush me. So, when my mother cut off my money, as bizarre as it looked to everyone, I started working as a waitress at a bar near my new and very small apartment in Brooklyn, which I shared with other two people.” She chuckled, easing the mood.

“Why did you decide to come back?”

Riley stayed silent for long seconds, fidgeting with the bunch of rings on her fingers.

“I had a bizarre dream. When I was checked in at Kusnacht, I had a wound on my head, I’ve dreamt about someone shoving my head on the hood of that Lamborghini I used to have, I remember vividly of the blood contrasting with the yellow. Something shifted inside of me, I don’t know why, I was obsessed with finding out what happened, but I knew that here was the only place that held the answers.”

Silence filled the inside of his truck like thick smoke as anxiety start taking over Drake.

“I need to ask you a question, and you need to make an effort to be honest with me” there they were again, the piercing eyes, full of doubt and curiosity. “When did you start to take those things again?”

Riley moved her eyes to her hands, that was a bad sign.

“Those were very disturbing times, with everything, with… us, and the attack.”

“You were clean even after the attack, you know what I’m asking Riley.” He grunted and sighed as he got silence as an answer.”

“There were a lot of people who nailed my coffin, but at the end of the day, I’ve crawled inside it alone. You’re not responsible for what I did in any way, you weren’t even here, Drake” she pleaded.

“I’ll rephrase my question” by this time they were almost at his house, and he felt like he was going to puke. “When did you start taking pills again? What day?”

Her head turned to the passenger window and he could see a tattoo peaking on her neck.

“It was the day you left” she murmured but he heard it clearly. “I… I wasn’t on a very good place at that time.”

“I’m sorry.” He said the words he never thought he would say to her.

“You shouldn’t be, you were the one who got me out of it, I… I just wasn’t strong enough.” She moved her hand as if to touch his arm, but held it back pulling it to her chest. “I’m the one who’s sorry. Now is time to clean the mess I’ve made.”

He pulled his truck on the pavement leading to his house and was greeted by his dogs, Bradley, his Staffordshire Bull, and Chance.

“What are you gonna do now?” he asked as he squatted to pet Brad and she lowered herself to pick up Chance who wiggled his tail dramatically to her.

“First, I’ll avoid my mom’s calls, then I’ll ask for a cup of coffee as I wait for Hana and Max.” she started kissing Chance’s derpy face. “Oh, I’ll obviously sue Kusnacht and try to find out how Madeleine got access to my records.”

“How do you know it was Madeleine?” he marched alongside her to the inside of his house.

“It’s her typical power move, she locked Olivia and I on that prisoner’s room below the wine cellar yesterday just because she knew Liam came to see me before her party… and probably because he isn’t done sleeping with Olivia.”

As the door creaked open he made his way, right to the kitchen to put some space between them; the more he suppressed the memories, the more they flew vividly in his mind, there wasn’t a single room in that house that he hadn’t taken her, not a single surface that wasn’t hit by their clothes being thrown in the heat of their affair. Even while making coffee he remembered how she would barge in wearing nothing underneath his shirt and kissing his naked back.

I was a dead life now, and these memories belonged in the past.

“I’ve been thinking these past few days” he started as he met her in the living room, her eyes were focused on an empty point in his shelf, where it used to have a picture of them with the dogs, ‘family picture’ she used to call it. “I will help you to find out what happened”

She turned to him grabbing the cup of coffee he offered her, her eyes glinting.

“But there are rules.” he added as she shot a brow up. “First, I won’t do nothing that can affect my job. Second, no touching, at all.”

“Ok, we will seal this deal with a nod” she laughed. “Is there a third? You know that you made me want really bad to poke you right now, right?”

“I’m being serious, York. Nothing remotely physical will happen”

“Even if I’m… I don’t know, hanging halfway outside a moving train and you need to pull me inside?”

“Riley…”

“Sorry” she bit her lip.

“Third, in exchange you gotta help me find Savannah.”

“What? Wasn’t she in an Exchange program in Italy?” Riley looked puzzled

“We thought so, until she changed her number and sent me a letter asking to let her live her life.”

Before Riley could answer, the bell ringed and they welcomed Hana and Maxwell inside.

“It was insane in the palace; Liam just can’t stop asking about you!” Max exclaimed and Hana cleared her throat.

“Well, thank you Drake for rescuing her and for having us here to help” she smiled politely at him. “Ri, I’ve been searching all the social platforms where the video was published, and even though people are loving the gossip, there are very few detractors, I believe you should release a statement on social media, that could be as easily shared as the video, and you would also stop any journalist from distorting your words, what do you think?”

“I need a cigarette before that” she muttered and moved outside.

“You can use the backyard if you want” Drake suggested and saw as Maxwell and Hana follow Riley outside, he would stay in, the least involved he got the better.

From the kitchen window he saw as she sat on the grass with Chance on her lap and Brad by her side, the whole ordeal took an hour, by the middle of the afternoon Maxwell got a call from the palace saying that after the publishing of the video, the journalists and paparazzi waiting outside the palace left and it was safe to get back.

“Thank you again for having us, Drake” Hana gave him a quick hug, as Maxwell shook his hand.

Riley just waved to him, muttering another thank you.

He cooked dinner with the dogs playing by his feet and decided to scroll through twitter on the couch after eating, when he stumbled on her video, curiosity took the best of him and he pressed play.

The wind was blowing strands of her on her face and she looked peaceful, more than he thought she would.

“Hey everyone, as you know I’m Riley York, you’ve probably saw a lot of me today and heard a lot of things, and you know that’s why I’m here. First of all, I’m recording that to remind everyone, on the media and out, that I am a human being and even though I was born in extreme privilege, I have flaws, I fell in love, I’ve gotten sick, I’ve drank too much, I’ve had my fair share of mistakes.”

She looked somewhere beside her, as to find forces to continue.

“I’ve had my privacy invaded today, where you saw a version of me that even I can’t handle looking, what you saw is above my titles, my money, my lands, you saw a face that wouldn’t be on a television screen if I wasn’t the heir to a duchy. You saw a person deep in depression, someone suffering from addiction, someone who tried to take their own life. There are people living this every day, but again. It only matters to many of you because I’m noble, but I care beyond that, as many outlets liked to point out, I’ve had access to a very expensive treatment due to my social status, so I’ve decided to donate the same amount that my treatment cost so we can improve the treatment of my people in Valtoria and all across Cordonia, depression and addiction are serious issues and I’ll help people in need in any way I can. Thank you.”

If it was any other noble, Drake would think it was just a publicity stunt, but after his conversation with Riley he couldn’t help but think she was genuine, although he would prefer not to think about her in any way.

He was surprised when his doorbell ringed.

“I can’t stop thinking about you!” he heard her say and couldn’t help but smile when she hugged him, and their lips found each other.

“I’ve missed you too, Cas.”

.

Don’t kill me...

Tagging the amazing: @drakewalkerrosenberg​; @sleepwalkingelite​; @agent-bossypants​; @pug-bitch​; @rtinaz​; @saivilo​; @iplaydrake​; @likethetailofacomet​; @notoriouscs​; @mind-reader1​; @annekebbphotography​; @walkerismychoice​; @tmarie82​; @blackwidow2721​; @thequeenchoices​; @missameliep​; @jovialyouthmusic​; @perksof-everything​; @choicesmacmakes​; @carabeth @drakenazario​; @drakesensworld​; @moneyfordiamonds​; @ao719​; @lynne1993​; @ilovedrakewalker23​; @msjpuddleduck​; @drakewalkerisreal​; @violinist3121; @wannabemc2​; @gibbles82​; @furiousherringoperatortoad​; @jens-diamondchoices​; @rainbowsinthestorm​; @bee1arw​; @world-of-dreams-and-muse​; @pintobomb @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore​; @emceesynonymroll​; @andy-loves-corgis​; @addictedtodrakefanfic​; @texaskitten30​; @dcbbw​; @i-bloody-love-drake-walker​; @kimmiedoo5; 

[artsy-alice]

Over the past two days, I’ve been asked to do a eulogy. Twice.

But I’ve always been a writer, not a speaker. And this one might be a bit late, but it’s still better than never.

(this one’s for my dad.)

My grief is quiet.

No pictures, no black profile picture. No check-ins or emotional updates.

Well. Maybe just this one.

My grief is quiet, like me. It’s quiet, like the man I am mourning. It’s quiet, like how most of my memories between us are.

It was loud, his last night here at home. There was a tribute party for him, to celebrate instead of lament. He would have loved it. All these people came to pay tribute, to enjoy his music, his lessons, his memory. We didn’t even have to ask.

Even after passing, he’s the one getting the job done.

I started writing this after the party, after finishing compiling a playlist to send him off. It’s got some of his favorites. Some of my biases. And then some new ones I think we would have found quite nice. He’s a man of taste and he’d click his tongue at me if I picked anything substandard. I’d have clicked my tongue at myself if I had picked anything lame.

God, he raised me to be such a nitpicky little shit like him.

Now it’s quiet again, after we’ve laid him to rest. It’s almost one in the morning, we’ve all retired from the day we’ve had, and it’s so quiet I can hear myself think.

This how I remember him. This is how I remember us: quiet. Thinking. Comfortable in the silence.

I’ve been grieving in this silence, because that’s how he and I have always done things.

It’s not the same.

It’s not the fucking same without you, Pa.

But this is how I remember us.

I remember us sitting in silence in the car. He’ll put on some music and he wouldn’t complain about me singing out loud as long as I’m in tune and the lyrics are right.

I remember us sitting in silence working on separate stuff. I’m either writing or drawing. He’s doing any of the hundreds of things he’s always busy doing. We never have to talk. We’re fine as we are.

I remember me calling him to the school to sit with me in an office as I get reprimanded for an essay I wrote. I remember how after that, we were quiet, and it’s not because he’s disappointed in me. It’s because he’s angry on my behalf, because I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have had to apologize for having thoughts of my own.

It always amazed me how someone so slow to anger was always so quick to come to my defense.

I remember me calling him to pick me up because I feel sick. I had asked him to please bring me a jacket and he didn’t know where to find one of mine, so he handed me one of his. I never gave it back. He never asked me to. It’s mine, forever, now.

This is how he loved me. This is why I love him.

I love him because while my mother taught me how to be proud and stubborn for myself, he taught me how to be humble and selfless for others. All my life I’ve been told that I’m smart, and that I got it from him, but I’ve never found it hard to brush that off because that’s not what matters. I’d rather be called kind, than smart. That’s thanks to him.

I love him because he’s the reason why I’m unafraid to learn new things. He’s the one who showed me that if you want something done, you can find a way to do it. You’re never too late to join the game. Ego is bullshit and will drag you down rather than pull you up. If you have questions, search. If you want to learn, study. If you need help, ask. If you mess up, backtrack and try again. His lessons were always so simple but hell if they don’t always push you far enough to get where you have to go.

That’s him, you see. You ask him to take you somewhere and he drops you off safe and sound.

I love him because he taught me how to look at something and with respect still say “I can do that too.” Because he looked at me that one night, on my 18th birthday and said, “We can do this, right?” To which I nodded, but then he smirked and followed that up with, “Actually, wait, we can do this and do it BETTER.”

It’s that sort of quiet confidence that I could only dream to achieve.

(Also, that’s how we got the photobooth.)

((I still stand that he got fed up with the substandard service so of course he had to show everyone how it’s done.))

(((If you think I got my rare bouts of pettiness from my mother? Think again.)))

But mostly, I love him because I have bad days, and he’s one of the few who can make them better.

I have days when I wake up crying because my brain thinks it’s cool to do a replay of all the things that make me feel inadequate and wrong. My brain betrays me on these days, makes me think I’m all alone and unloved and damaged beyond repair, using voices of people I know and love, from conversations I’ve had with them before.

(Depression sucks, kids.)

On these bad days, what pulls me out of my head is the fact that I never hear his voice with the others.

On my bad days, what helps me breathe again is the fact that no matter how every single person who matters to me thinks I’m a giant failure, there’s one left who never ever judged me no matter how much of a disaster I am.

He knew me so well, he knew everything I am capable of and more - and yet he had never once asked anything of me that I couldn’t give him.

I love him for that.

I love him because during my worst days, my rock bottom, he saves me from myself.

That’s how we were. That’s both how we love. Quietly.

(Except when the music’s good.)

((Then again, it always was, with him.))

So I grieve. In silence.

Because we spent our last Christmas in the hospital, and while my siblings were in tears, he told them, “Don’t do that. Look at your Ate Alison. She’s just cool.” - and I just grinned like an idiot and gave him finger guns. Because he said I’m cool. I didn’t tell him that I’m probably only so calm because I must’ve ran out of tears from crying the day before, when we were told that we’d be lucky to have even three to six months more with him.

I mourn quiet because he’s a person who takes care of people. Shit, he took care of so many people. And I want to take care of all these people and to do that I gotta compartmentalize. How do you hold someone together when you’re falling apart yourself? So no. Nope. I keep going, forward.

I keep calm because my dad is a man who embodied grace under pressure. He’s a troubleshooter. A problem-solver. When there’s a problem, he doesn’t panic, doesn’t freak out. He steels himself and then looks for a solution. He carries on. For someone like me with a crippling fear of failure, of being a disappointment, that meant the difference between breaking apart and holding myself together.

There’s no bump in the road too big if you know how to take a second to look around and breathe.

But, goddammit, sometimes it’s still so hard.

Because I thought we’d have more time. Yes, I had known and understood that we had been on borrowed time. I knew it would be a hard haul. I just didn’t know it would be this this fast. I had braced myself for a longer battle and even that was cut short.

I’m not sad, not anymore. I’m not even angry. The night he left, I took a moment alone to breathe deeply and say “Fuck.” and then that’s it, that’s the anger, past. Right now, I just feel lost.

Pa, this is the biggest fucking bump in my road so far.

But. You know me, and again - you never gave me anything I couldn’t handle.

So go ahead. Do you. Don’t worry about me. You know I’ll be fine.

My grief is quiet. Like me, like you. Like us.

I won’t let this break me open and apart.

You taught me better than that.