#it definitely is affected by people super strongly whihc checks out | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tamagotchikgs · 4 months

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really though my like object permanence for emotions is nonexistent if i am not actively feeling it i might as well never have and it they r active they r . So much . they take over me completely. 2 the point even happiness feels painful but in a good way i think,, but i will go from like. reduced 2 just wirthing ripping out my heart i am in agony everything has always been & will always be agony to oh, everything is great :] 1 lil thing flipped me upside down n now the world has always been this colourful i cant imagine anything else and then OU,,,,, crying sobbing pain anguish joy doesnt exist. all within the span of like. 10 mins. but it feels so much longer my brain is living in a whole different world. also it is not only painful 4 me but also a big issue when it comes to bad things happening irl, because like. say when my pet rat died, i was fucking inconsolable but then , Fine. it was over. n it feels so bad i feel so guilty i cant hold onto anything for the amount of time i should everything is just in n out n in n out clock in extreme pain clock out clock in extreme joy clock out for no apparent reason

#i think the big reason i enjoy playing games so much is that r an escape #i can kind of go numb #but i avoid even listening 2 music a lot of the time because i know itll send me into a strong shift n i cant handle it im so tired #like i know this sounds. somewhat normal probably ur emotions are supposed to change but it . it is so intense n so fast #it takes me over completely n i will literally just be sitting in my room alone #sitting with a war going back n forth destroying me w it #not that it would matter but i do wonder if it is the avpd or if i got smthn else going on entirely #it definitely is affected by people super strongly whihc checks out #even just my own thoughts of people #i can think myself into a suicidal spiral in a second #&& then right back out of it but only if im not really trying. u know #like it has to be an honest thought it cant be forced #i do relate 2 a lot of bpd things but then im like. my sister has it n she is sososo different to me i feel like im not allowed BHJA #i mean. obviously it still differs from person to person #esp if it were mixed with what i already hav making me a lil anxious baby bitch #im always just like.. hm.... woaw i relate to this. oh it's a sign of bpd... ANYWAYS aha..#whats goin on over HERE.......

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