#i can kind of go numb | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tamagotchikgs · 4 months

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really though my like object permanence for emotions is nonexistent if i am not actively feeling it i might as well never have and it they r active they r . So much . they take over me completely. 2 the point even happiness feels painful but in a good way i think,, but i will go from like. reduced 2 just wirthing ripping out my heart i am in agony everything has always been & will always be agony to oh, everything is great :] 1 lil thing flipped me upside down n now the world has always been this colourful i cant imagine anything else and then OU,,,,, crying sobbing pain anguish joy doesnt exist. all within the span of like. 10 mins. but it feels so much longer my brain is living in a whole different world. also it is not only painful 4 me but also a big issue when it comes to bad things happening irl, because like. say when my pet rat died, i was fucking inconsolable but then , Fine. it was over. n it feels so bad i feel so guilty i cant hold onto anything for the amount of time i should everything is just in n out n in n out clock in extreme pain clock out clock in extreme joy clock out for no apparent reason

#i think the big reason i enjoy playing games so much is that r an escape #i can kind of go numb #but i avoid even listening 2 music a lot of the time because i know itll send me into a strong shift n i cant handle it im so tired #like i know this sounds. somewhat normal probably ur emotions are supposed to change but it . it is so intense n so fast #it takes me over completely n i will literally just be sitting in my room alone #sitting with a war going back n forth destroying me w it #not that it would matter but i do wonder if it is the avpd or if i got smthn else going on entirely #it definitely is affected by people super strongly whihc checks out #even just my own thoughts of people #i can think myself into a suicidal spiral in a second #&& then right back out of it but only if im not really trying. u know #like it has to be an honest thought it cant be forced #i do relate 2 a lot of bpd things but then im like. my sister has it n she is sososo different to me i feel like im not allowed BHJA #i mean. obviously it still differs from person to person #esp if it were mixed with what i already hav making me a lil anxious baby bitch #im always just like.. hm.... woaw i relate to this. oh it's a sign of bpd... ANYWAYS aha..#whats goin on over HERE.......

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fantasticgothicpeachsludge · 3 months

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Help! I’ve fallen for a rarepair from a show that ended 6 years 1 month and 7 days ago!

And by rarepair I mean there is one singular fic about them where they’re not a side ship or in a collection of smut drabbles

#don’t worry Graham and Jefferson I saw the way you never interacted but were in such similar situations caused by the same woman #all it would have taken was for Graham to get some kind of hint that Jefferson knew and he could have gone to him :.(#gotten the help he needed from someone who actually knew what was going on #JEFFERSON WOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT THE VAULT #HE WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PUT GRAHAMS HEART BACK #THE COMFORT THEY WOULD GET FROM EACH OTHER #Jefferson having someone who remembers ;~;#Graham having someone who knows he’s not crazy #who could protect him from Regina ;~;#Graham could live with him in his mansion in the woods #with his wolf brother right there #and let’s be real Graham would not have been okay after getting his heart back #like he was literally emotionally numb and being abused for thirty years #everything that happened to him and what he was forced to do would have hit him like a truck the minute it was back in his chest #probably would have had a panic attack immediately #probably the only way he would feel safe is as far from Regina he could get (Jefferson’s mansion in the middle of the woods)#in a locked room and with his wolf brother right there #I just think they could be a really soft friends to lovers okay #ouat #jefferson ouat #graham humbert #huntsman ouat #once upon a time #also I’m not Regina bashing down here I just wish Grahams abuse and trauma was treated better #like there’s no way in hell he would ever forgive her or feel safe around her #he’d probably want her dead #another thing he and Jefferson have in common #but I can imagine him never acting on it and just completely removing himself from the show and living a safe and comfortable cottage-core #life with Jefferson and Grace #and his wolf brother

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grumpyoldsnake · 1 year

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One of these days. One of these days, I will figure out what the hell makes the tipping point beyond which either a) there’s socialization that I feel insulated from and kind of numb about and too tired to pursue, or b) socialization where the very notion of so much as expressing one (1) internal thought or emotion suffuses my whole body with adrenaline and blaring Nope instincts.

#don’t get me wrong I think I *do* feel fairly Normal about. idk. a good portion of my social interactions #enough that I can go about my daily life just fine #but the numb times and the freeze-or-flight times are always Mightily inconveniently timed #with regards to actually forming new friendships #and there’s a certain threshold of Acknowledging that I Personally Exist where it *all* becomes freeze-or-flight fffff #(it goes like this: I start to think ‘it’d be kind of neat if—‘)#(and then I consider the actual logistics of getting TO the If. and one way or another — fear or tiredness — it becomes ‘ah. right. nvm.��)#(and then if it’s a bad day I have the further thought that the If probably wouldn’t be fulfilling for other involved parties anyway)#(which is. self defeating in the extreme and a distortion and I know it. >_>)#(but it’s ALSO objectively true on some specific axis and like. mm. some nights finding that balance is hard I guess)#(on the one hand not putting myself down but on the other hand being realistic about what I need vs. what other people need)#(and the fact that there are just some types of socialization that just aren’t a good fit for me)#(and that I can’t be for or have with other folk without burning out spectacularly)#life flails #mental health flails #my stuff #complaining

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thursdayg1rl · 1 month

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results day tomorrow Idek what to do

#when it was gcses I stayed up all night #but then you don’t have to do anything after you get those #like I’ll probably have to fucking call up different places and stuff #also I actually did well in gcses #honestly kind of numb to it like idk where my life is going and I don’t really care either nothing matters anymore #I waited for this day for so long like literally years of my life have been #well I need to do well in these exams so I can finally finally leave #but it was too long and I just got exhausted and stopped caring about improving my life #now I will probably have to spend another year here I can’t take it anymoreee #to the point where I don’t even want to do anything outside of rotting all day anymore #I remember I used to be so excited about finally leaving and getting to do all the things I used to dream about. sad!#maybe some miracle might happen and I get into uni and maybe regain some will to live #who knows who knows

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crabussy · 1 year

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I want to take a bite out of someone's arm but I'm too shy

#it's ok to reblog this post and ignore the rant in the tags I don't mind at all /gen #hi guys #got another load of trauma from school #and I am not dealing with it well at all my legs have been shaking so badly for 4 hours now #had a panic attack so bad that my face went numb and the edges of my vision went black and my legs gave way #I hate my teacher she's horrible god I can't even go into it here there's so much #I'm tired of getting abused at school I've been to half a dozen schools and have not gotten traumatised at ONLY ONE OF THEM #I have no adults I can go to about this #whenever I try to talk with her and the head teacher about the situation and why I'm fucking terrified of her she acts so patient and kind #whenever I'm alone with her she will yell at me about everything I'm doing wrong and continue yelling even when I'm in tears #she will berate me and put me down and insult me directly #when she gives feedback she always puts effort into making it hurt #the language she uses for negative feedback is never what a teacher should say it's always personal and uses your weaknesses to hurt you #I get really bad intrusive thoughts about her hurting me physically because of how terrified I am of her #the worst part is she acts nice and sweet whenever she's not picking apart my weaknesses and being cruel about my disabilities #I felt so sick after that I haven't eaten since #vent tw #trauma tw #listen to my gibberish boy #ggod I hate this school

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aceofstars16 · 8 months

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It’s 7:30 in the morning and I’m exhausted but I don’t know if I’ll be able to fall asleep again any time soon….

It’s like I was *just* starting to heal from having my heart and trust shattered 3 years ago, and now it’s happening all again, only this time I don’t have the church to go to for comfort/prayer/encouragement. And instead of a friendship I had for 2-3 years, it’s a church I’ve been going to for TWENTY TWO YEARS

I feel like I’m living in the twilight zone, this can’t actually be happening, right?

(I’m not okay, I keep crying and I just want to wake up from this nightmare)

#I don’t even know what to tag this as I just can’t #I was literally just telling my counselor that I feel like I’ve never had the ‘years of plenty’#only the suffering and trials…and now this happens to seem to confirm that #and it doesn’t help that I was already having trouble trusting the leader after last year #and now it’s like a big ‘I told you’ from my brain which isn’t gonna help me trust anyone in the future #I was already having a hard time taking chances and trying to trust again ans NOW THIS #I know I should at least try to sleep again I just…I don’t even know anymore #I’m not even gonna tag this as any normal stuff tbh #how about just #aceo get her heart broken again #not to mention I’m terrified I’m going to fallback into the numb empty depression pit I only just kind of got out of #and faith? bro I understand how people left the church or faith cause it is HARD to differentiate between the church and God #I’m still trying to pray and stuff I just feel so empty and I can’t do this again #it doesn’t help that the church claimed that they felt ‘lead’ to this crappy situation whatever THAT means #I only heard it second hand tbh…I just…can this stop please? can this all just be a horrible dream that I wake up from? please

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thebigqueer · 22 days

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2 years ago i fucked up a friendship w a girl (that im pretty sure i was in love with). to this day i think of her and sometimes when i see her on the street i just wanna cry. i understand your plight very much.

yeahhh man im sorry to hear that!!! it genuinely fucking sucks and i would never wish this upon anyone. cuz like it makes you fully think about all the what ifs and i genuilnely dont think ill ever find someone like her again

#im not trying to sound dramatic im being so serious she was so fucking perfect for me #i geuss the difference is shes the one who broke up w me and i know i didnt do anything wrong #neither of us did #its just like fuck!!! you know?? like we could have been so much #serious relationships dont need to be longterm to be serious you know???#one of these days im going to get tipsy and then 'drunk' text her even though i fiully intend to text her #and then claim i was just drunk because im notl ying im just not telling the full truth #like i fully considered it last night but i knew it would be a bad idea and i know if i do it its just gonna fuck things up more #but im soooo tempted man #like i dont know what itll even do #i know inside my goal is to maybe convince her that its not our time to end but i know in reality #its just gonna make her feel guilty and push her away even more if i show her how much ic are abou ther #i just seriously wish i understood why she even did it #i also thought being back on campus would help and i mean it has for sure becuase ive had my friends to distract me #but the thing is im not enjoying anything. like im not being distracted im just being numbed ykwim #cuz the moment i leave my friends all i do is think about her #and even when im WITH my friends ill be in the moment w them and then 2 minutes later ill start zoning out thinking about her #like the worst part about this is i dont have any anger *against* her #maybe im angry about like the general situation but the anger isnt against her #and while being angry is its own kind of pain in a way it can be easier cuz at least then youre tempted to have a good time and show off #but when its like this where youre just sad at the situation like what am i actually gonna do except think about her #sorry anon im not trying to dump on you i just start ranting in the tags sometimes #sunny rambles #anon tag #asks

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miamicommune · 2 months

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it's been so long since ive been even slightly optimistic abt the future

#terrified that ive just gotten numb and jaded by the misery of it all #nothing's rly improved since i was at my worst what if ive rly just. gotten used to it.#it'd make sense. i just want things to feel good again i can't keep going like this #i almost jumped off a bridge the other day on a whim. some guy yelled at me to stop and i ran. not traumatising anyone else.#but if i can bring myself to that point on a whim without a strong emotional pull then like. what hope is there.#when things get bad what hope is there.#im so tired. everyone around me is so tired of hearing im still like this. i know it even if they won't say it.#i miss being happy and optimistic and loving and kind but i think that's gone

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ef-1 · 2 years

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legs & lessons in perseverance | march '23

#so.#i fell into the fireplace lol #- thats the concise summary. but ive just been unwell health wise recently. i think ms is just harrowing to deal with #because you can go for so long symptom free and then one day you wake up and everything is wrong #your body feels wrong.#i remember being constantly angry at my body as though its a separate entity. especially when i was like 17/18.#because everytime i had a bad ms relapse i would literally breakdown in angry tears like- at my body. i was good to you. im meditating #im eating healthy. im exercising. ive been good to you.#but then suddenly you cant see or youre shaking uncontrollably or your limbs are numb #or my new favourite one: a couple of weeks ago i woke up at 4 am in a cold sweat. the inside of my thigh was burning #i dont mean like. exercise burning. i mean like struck a hot iron rod burning. it was obv nerve pain but that didnt stave off the panic #so i messaged my neurologist and hes like 'yeah its fine. wanna inject yourself?'#anyway. so recently i was helping my friend get his place houseparty ready and we were cleaning out the fire place #and my legs just gave out 😍#and i got so angry and humiliated i kind of just wanted to go to bed and not wake up tbh #which is what i usually do but like. i was angry. angry. scorpio angry as lidya would say. so i had a nap in his bed #and when i woke up i felt slightly better and for once i thought 'im not going to let my body ruin this day for me'#and i just dragged him to the markets with me. and i still had the tremors but we bought more greens than either of us needed #and we laughed and walked and he carried me to the car at the end of the trip and it was one of the best days ive had in a long while tbh #and it feels impossible but sometimes all u need is to brush the ash from ur knees and hide the scruffs with stockings &maybe youll be ok #💚#tw chronic illness #/ multiple sclerosis

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slowparts · 3 months

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job making me feel like highkey insane today. i am biting and gnashing through the bars of my prison. i don’t care that im making money let me outttt

#i’m so exhausted and drained by any people interaction rn #gabriel finally got a diagnosis and it’s. well it’s not good #hodgkin’s lymphoma #he’ll need 6 months of chemo #i’m just barely in touch with reality #like my emergency functional mode is turned on but after necessary things are over i’m just. on that phone #no thoughts #in a bad way #and i know it’s my cptsd + general stress of this stressful life event #but it does not make it much easier to be dissociating constantly #sense of self? gone #like literally i know who n where i am and what’s happening. but the numbness is insane.#my therapist is on vacation until next week #so. 8 days til i can hopefully crack like an egg on her couch and get some of this processing Going #i’ve also got an eye appt next week so new glasses soon… that’ll be exciting #i miss all my friends so much #personal log #kind of a vent

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wereh0gz · 2 years

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Hey. Y'know those lyrics from Vandalize

Fight the pain away my head is in ruins

Yeah

#ramblings #sonic frontiers spoilers #still thinking about amnesiac sonic. god #and just sonic frontiers. in general #he's just. written so so well #he endures literally hell to save his friends #he's so kind #even recognizing that sage might not be a bad person but simply following her father's wishes and her programming #and he keeps going. he smiles even when he can barely stand #even when his body goes numb and he begins to forget his own name he keeps going #he keeps going until he physically can't #and i just. i #kwndmsndmdmdkdm #god this game is so good

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imthatqueerkid · 2 years

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#crush blogging day 38 #wow... i am so screwed #i didn't get to see him at school today because dentist appointment #side note my mouth is so sore because i needed extra of the numbing stuff #i was sad i didn't get to see him but then he said he could stop by my house on his way home #i wasn't sure if my mom would like that but she literally didn't care (affectionate)#my sister had to show him the music video she made (that i helped film)#and then we 'officially' adopted our son (read: stuffed animal dog)#and after that we cuddled and talked about a bunch of stuff #including paper hearts girl and why he feels so scared to reject her #it was really nice and i feel so comfortable and relaxed with him like i can just take a moment. and forget about all the stupid shit #and just be with someone who makes me happy #im not sure if im ever going to get over these intense 'reminders' that im attracted to him #woah there folks lets chill out #i feel like we made a lot of progress today #he was on my bed we were cuddling on my bed this isn’t the kind of thing that happens to me i barely believe it #he likes me back? what #he likes being around me he keeps the gifts i gave him ??? what. what #i love when he gets flustered it makes me heart so full cause hes trying his best #its a full length day tomorrow so im going to go to bed. definitely not stay up thinking about him! definitely not that #fire boy #from the couch #Spotify

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orcelito · 1 year

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i do love that vash is the Definition of high int, low wis. he puts on the goofiness to get ppl to not pay attention to how absolutely Bonkers skilled he is so ppl just assume he's a dumbass. and like. he IS. in some ways. he is SUCH a dumbass. but he's an incredibly intelligent dumbass. he has layers.

#speculation nation #focusing on the wiki page's bit that says his IQ is higher than most humans #like YES he's a rabid little guy (big guy tbh) all bark no bite least intimidating motherfucker around (until he Gets Serious)#but he's also like. legit super sharp. like Geeze it takes me by surprise anytime i see it #if any1 thinks he's genuinely stupid. Pls. pls. pay attention. he is VERY smart.#he also is the kind of stupid where he would shoot a hole in a jelly donut #listen you can be highly intelligent and highly stupid at the same time. believe me. that is my entire existence.#me projecting onto vash in yet another way re: high int low wis #im a total dumbass & make all sorts of stupid decisions. many just for the fun of it #like how yesterday i sampled the hazelnut extract. despite knowing FULL WELL that sampling the rose and vanilla extracts #made my tongue numb. guess what happened when i tried the hazelnut extract?#if u guessed that it made my tongue numb. ur right!!! i had to go to the sink to rinse out my mouth just like i did with the rose n vanilla #did i know that was going to happen? yes! did i sample it anyways? YES! this is the kind of chaotic dumbass im talking about here #sometimes life is boring and you gotta do what u gotta do to get ur kicks ok.#vash is an immortal guy living his life trying to be underestimated so he doesnt have to get into fights #but pulling out the Big Guns (heh) if it comes down to it. and STILL manages to be skilled enough to keep it non-lethal #the fucking Precision he needs in order to shoot nonlethally with his pinpoint accuracy is Insane #ok im a wolfwood girlie first and foremost but the more i think about Vash the more im drawing hearts around him in my mind #i think. im more in love with trimax vash than tristamp vash is the thing. i love them both but FUCK dude #trimax vash is just. hooooooooooooo boy #just like wolfwood. i prefer trimax wolfwood over tristamp wolfwood. that's just the facts #idk where im going with this. im just drawing hearts in my mind's eye around them Both now. there is no downside

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ohhtobeagooner · 1 year

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:/

#ya girl is really going through it right now #very much numbness very much apathy towards literally everyone #might be falling out of love even though i was never actually in love #realising over the past few months that my friends are just the worst people ever #mmmmm yum #seems like everyone is kind of down today tbh #i can feel it all building i’m sensing a menty b sometime soon #i’ll drop my toast or something and trigger it #ANYWAY i’m trying to stay positive #but i just feel like i have no one #which is why i love this place #oopsies sorry for the journaling

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thebibliosphere · 1 month

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In the never-ending quest to alleviate my migraines, I bought a special angled pillow that lets you sleep on your side while your arm just kind of hangs through a whole in the middle. I did this because I’m a left-sided sleeper, always have been.

Until my neck subluxated and now I can’t sleep on that side without compressing some vital nerves and blood arteries. I also can’t sleep on my back right now because the pressure compresses my occipital nerve. Basically sleeping has been a nightmare recently, but that’s not the point of this post.

The point was I brought this up in physical therapy to talk about how great this pillow is because I can now sleep on my right side without the stupid thing going numb or waking me up because it hurts. And my PT was like wow, great! How did you sleep on your left side for so long without it being an issue?

And I said, oh that’s easy. I just tuck that shoulder out of the way.

And she said, ...what?

And I said, yeah, I just tuck it out the way. Not like my right shoulder. That one doesn’t move as well. It just hurts, I think there’s something wrong with it.

And my physical therapist asked me to demonstrate what I mean when I say I ‘tuck my shoulder out of the way,’ and haha, you’re never going to believe this, turns out I’ve just been casually pulling my left shoulder out of the socket for, oh, let’s see, 30 years? And then napping on it like hmmnm yess comfy.

Anyway. I looked up from my demonstration and my physical therapist was making this face:

#chronic health tag #ehlers danlos syndrome #hypermobile ehlers danlos

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1022am · 2 months

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i <3 reading for Real

#like ive been depression brain numbed for years and havent had any attention span whatsoever #but like im slowly getting back into it and its so nice its like eating but for ur brain ^_^#anyway just read an excerpt from the brothers karamazov for my philosophy class that completely exploded my worldview #and now im gonna try to go to the library and get a copy so i can read the whole thing but like. idk #jest kind of proud of myself like it sucks and its forever but theres good. theres good.#txt

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