#it was fun for like five seconds to compare that guy to jack harkness and notice the differences

[falderaletcetera]

I'm only a few episodes into jodie whittaker era (my first time), but thirteen has a lightness to her that's reminding me of nine and, not gonna lie, I'm tearing up a bit. and I'll be really interested to see if the comparison holds when the stakes get more personal.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

We’ll Carry On - Chapter Forty Three

We’ll Carry On Tag

General Content Warnings: Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Substance Abuse, Abandonment, Minor Character Death, Transphobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociation, Bullying, Homophobia

February 16th, 2019

Logan woke up slowly, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. It was a Saturday, so he didn’t have to worry about his alarm going off. Something was different, though, and he couldn’t put his finger on it. He stared at the ceiling for a minute. His hair had been cut, but he had gotten used to that, mostly. He was in the Picani’s place, not the Harkness’ place, which he was also used to.

Roman walked in their shared bedroom, grinning. “Hey, sleepyhead. Your legal dads are waiting for you downstairs with a celebratory breakfast.”

Logan blinked, frowning, trying to absorb that information. It hit him over the head like a sack of bricks: he was adopted yesterday! That’s what was different! He was legally part of a family again! He grinned, sitting up. “All right, all right, I’m up,” he said, grabbing a sports bra and getting dressed. Today was going to be a good day.

February 15th, 2020

Logan sat up in bed with a stretch and a sigh. It was February fifteenth, according to his phone, which had a little reminder about “Dad and Ami go crazy today.” He tried to puzzle that out for a minute before he remembered: the anniversary of his adoption. Dad and Ami had done a celebration for Roman about a month before, and they had asked Logan what he wanted in terms of his. He said he didn’t want a lot of fanfare, just maybe picking out lunch or dinner and his family there to support him.

The odds of that actually happening were slim to none, but hey, he tried. He climbed out of bed, got dressed, and stumbled down the stairs, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. “Ugh,” he grumbled as he walked into the kitchen.

“Morning, Lo,” Dad said with a smile. “Sleep well?”

“Debatable,” Logan responded, voice creaking in protest of being used.

“Have some juice to help your voice,” Dad said, gesturing to the fridge. “Then you can help yourself to breakfast, because I know you wanted to experiment with cooking.”

“Mm,” Logan hummed his thanks and went to the fridge, bringing out apple juice and pouring it into a glass Dad passed him. He took a grateful sip, letting the sugar coat his throat. He put the apple juice back and pulled out an egg. “Show me how to make one sunny-side up?” he requested.

“Sure,” Dad agreed.

Roman came down and grabbed breakfast as Dad was teaching Logan to cook the egg, and Dee, Virgil, and Pat soon ran to the den and turned on the TV for Saturday morning cartoons. Logan took his breakfast, successfully cooked, into the dining room to eat and think. Roman came over to him with a Pop Tart and spoke as he ate. “Any idea where we’re going for lunch or dinner?”

Logan pulled a face. “Roman, don’t talk with your mouth full. I don’t need you spraying crumbs all over my breakfast.”

“Mm. Shorry,” Roman mumbled. He swallowed. “Still, any idea?”

Logan shrugged. “Not really. I don’t really want to go anywhere super fancy. Maybe...like, Panera. Their sandwiches are good, even if it makes me sound like a ‘basic white girl.’”

“You are not basic, nor are you a girl,” Roman pointed out.

“True,” Logan allowed. “But people will say I sound like one anyway, even if I pass as a guy.”

“Why?” Roman asked.

“Well, if I pass as a guy, they aren’t using it to misgender me, they’re just insulting my taste,” Logan said with a shrug. “As far as I’ve gathered, at any rate. People are...not my strong suit.”

“Yeah, I’ve gathered that before,” Roman said with a grin and a bite from his Pop Tart. “But seriously, why do people compare guys to girls as an insult?”

Logan shrugged. “Because effeminate men are not supposed to exist, I suppose.”

Roman nodded, before frowning. “Logan...”

“Hm?”

“If you were...I don’t know...able to get surgery at one point, if that’s what you wanted. And your breasts were gone. So people very clearly saw you as a guy. Would you ever wear dresses or skirts or makeup?”

Logan considered. “I’m...not sure. I suppose I would give it a try, but...I don’t think I would go out of my way to do it often. I’m more androgynous-to-masculine in my style.”

Roman nodded. “That’s fair. I was just wondering if you didn’t like feminine things because you didn’t pass, or if you just didn’t like feminine things.”

“No, I’m just more masculine in style,” Logan said. “However, I do like pastels. I don’t wear them often because they make me look more ‘soft’ according to people at school, but they are fun to wear, provided I don’t get misgendered wearing them.”

“So when you’re an adult and have had all the surgeries you want, you’ll wear pastels and be the man of your dreams?” Roman asked. “Oh, wait, my mistake, Jack is the man of your dreams,” he teased.

“Roman, I will kill you,” Logan warned.

Roman just laughed, finished his breakfast, and left the room. Logan sighed and finished his breakfast before retreating to his room to read for a few hours. He considered writing, especially because he had seen a fascinating Sherlock Holmes theory recently, but he didn’t have the energy to write too much today.

So he read, curled up on his bed, until there was a knock at the door and Dad poked his head in. “Hey, did you want to go out for lunch as a celebration?” he asked. “Or should I come back around dinner?”

“Lunch is fine,” Logan said, putting down his book and standing. “I was just thinking we could go to Panera. Somewhere simple. Everyone likes something there, and we don’t go very often. Besides, I like their sandwiches.”

Dad smiled. “Sounds perfect. Shall we go?”

Logan nodded and followed Dad downstairs and out the door as Ami wrangled the boys into the van. Logan just sat in his usual spot, scrolling his phone. To him, it felt more or less just like another Saturday. The exception being that they were going out to lunch at a place of his choosing.

When they finally managed to get everyone inside the restaurant and figured out their orders, Ami suggested, “Why don’t you find a table, Logan? I need to grab something from the car, but the boys can stay with Dad, or they can help you if you want.”

Logan squinted. It wasn’t like Ami to forget something in the car. This was probably what his surprise was going to be, like Roman’s surprise was the book from his mom. Still, he didn’t want to ruin the surprise for the others, and Dad and Ami were clearly desperate for him to play along. “Okay. Dee, do you want to help me find a spot that’s quiet enough for you?”

Dee nodded and the two walked away from the rest of the group. Logan sighed. Dee looked up at him. “Dad and Ami are trying to surprise you,” he signed.

“Yeah, I figured,” Logan said with a tired smile. “I didn’t want a lot of fanfare, though. It’s an important day, true, but I don’t like all the attention on me. Some is fine, but all? That makes me uncomfortable.”

Dee nodded in understanding. “Same,” he signed.

They found a table in the front, by the windows that no one was using. Most of the people around here were quiet, too, so Logan and Dee took a seat. Logan stared out the front window and sighed again. “I know this is supposed to be a happy day, and it is, but I feel...I don’t know,” he muttered.

“Bittersweet?” Dee asked.

“Monachopsis, maybe. I just always, always feel like I’m slightly out of place. Even in this family, where everyone belongs, I feel like I...don’t. And usually it doesn’t bug me, but today, I guess I thought I could relax and fit in with the rest of the family, but I still feel...off,” Logan said.

Dee shrugged. “I felt that way for a while,” he admitted. “I thought the second I did something bad Dad and Ami would send me away. Because they’re good people and I’m me. But I screwed up, and they forgave me, and we moved on, and I’m still here. You do fit in, even if you don’t feel it. And it’s okay if you don’t feel it.”

Logan signed a quick “Thank you,” to Dee as Patton and Virgil ran over, giggling, and Roman and Dad were carrying trays with lunch behind them.

“That should be everyone’s lunch,” Dad said. “Now we just have to wait for Ami.”

Patton and Virgil giggled more and Roman grinned. Dee looked about as lost as Logan felt. “Did I miss something?” Logan asked.

“Dad told us what he and Ami got you for your adoption anniversary,” Roman said. “And we all agree you’re going to love it.”

“What is it?!” Dee asked frantically. Virgil whispered in his ear, so quietly that Logan couldn’t hear it. But Dee gasped loudly and held his hands over his mouth as he exclaimed, out loud, “Really?!”

Patton nodded. “Yeah! They decided they should kickstart it now, to help later on!”

Dee turned to Logan. “You’re gonna love it,” he signed, practically bouncing in his seat.

Logan felt a little stunned at the sheer energy at the table. This wasn’t fanfare, but it was attention, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. Ami came over, with an envelope about the size to fit a greeting card. “Sorry for the wait, everybody!” Ami said. “There was no way I could just give the game away the second we came inside and I was holding this!” He passed it to Logan. “But you’re free to open it now.”

“Okay...?” Logan said, sliding his finger under the seal of the envelope.

Opening it, he saw it was indeed a greeting card. It said “Bye bye ta tas” on the front. He opened the card and his eyes widened in surprise. There were five twenty dollar bills residing in it, and when he took them out, the inside of the card said, “Hoping all goes well with your top surgery!”

“Maybe the card was a little preemptive, because obviously you’re not getting top surgery yet...” Ami said.

“...But we figured we could kickstart the fund to help you get there, since you’ve told us that’s the route you want to go,” Dad finished. “We told your grandparents our plan and they immediately contributed fifty dollars to the cause.”

“I...I don’t...” Logan swallowed. “I don’t know what to say. ‘Thank you’ doesn’t begin to cover it.”

“Say you accept, and maybe let us tell you there’s a jar at home with your name on it,” Ami said with a grin. “We want to support you in whatever way we can, Logan. And if we can help fund your top surgery, we’ll do it.”

“I...okay,” Logan said, still staring in shock at the card.

“Also, Logan, you might want to eat before your food gets cold,” Dad gently prompted.

Logan jolted upright like he had been shocked and nodded, putting the money back in the card with the envelope and the card on his lap. “Right. Good point. Thanks.”

Everyone started to eat, excitedly chatting. “That’s such a cool anniversary gift!” Patton exclaimed. “Helping to get top surgery! How much does that cost, anyway?”

“Like, a couple thousand dollars,” Roman said, pulling a face. “And that’s not counting what you have to pay the hospital, and the doctors beyond the surgeon, and the consultations. So a hundred bucks won’t get the entire thing done, but it’s a decent start.”

“Yeah,” Logan agreed softly. “It’s a long process, but I’ll get there.”

“I know you will,” Patton said, with all the certainty that he would use saying gravity existed. “Because you don’t let other people tell you what to do. You do what you want when it comes to your body. That’s super cool, and super brave.”

Logan tried not to feel choked up at that, and failed. He felt a few tears slip through his façade, but he let them fall. This was his family, they wouldn’t judge him for crying. Dee pat Logan’s leg softly and Logan laughed, giving Dee a quick, one-armed hug before going back to eating.

“Wait,” Virgil said. “Why do you need a surgeon to do that job?”

“Because breasts aren’t just fat,” Roman said. “They have veins and stuff and you could get hurt if you didn’t know what you’re doing. So you need a surgeon.”

“Oh,” Virgil said. He wrinkled his nose. “That’s still expensive, though.”

Logan sighed. “Yeah. But one day it’ll be worth it,” he nodded before continuing, “I’ll look like the man I was meant to be, and no one is going to take that away from me.”