pastafossa · 2 years ago
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U know that scene in season 3 when Matt goes out for the first time since the explosion? He confronts those guys in the street not being recovered and he basically asks them to kill him? Cause u know Catholic guilt and suicide and stuff..
Well I just had the image of Jane finding out Matt did this and was in this head space and PASTA THERE ARE TEARS
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I am sadly quite familiar with that heartbreaking scene unfortunately. It's the absolute lowest point he reaches, after being broken physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Gonna put the rest *waves* below a cut since it's dealing with a really heavy thing, but I'm down to talk about it a bit and about what Jane's reaction might be (since I'm planning to delve into S3 in TRT so I don't want to give things away).
So this point is basically the absolute, lowest of low points that Matt ever reaches in the show. He's been broken physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Everything he's worked for has seemingly failed - he couldn't save the law firm, he split with Foggy, he lost his relationship with Karen, he couldn't save Elektra. He's lost his friends, his abilities, and essentially his body. The people he cares about all seem better off now that he's 'gone' and dead, and he even asked Danny to look after the city for him. He is in unfathomable pain. All the work he's put into Hell's Kitchen, and crime has never stopped. And now the one thing he had left, the one thing he could do to help - fight for something - is gone. He's left with what seems like nothing and so... yeah. He sees no reason to keep living. He has no purpose, and he'd rather die there on the street as the Devil then go on living.
I think the fact that he's dangerously Catholic only illustrates where he's at, since this is considered a huge no-no.
And now enter Jane, who loves him fully, and who he loves desperately in return.
Enter Jane, who has previously considered turning a gun on herself (Flashback section of chapter 104) if she was about to be captured again by the Man in the White Coat. She is... dangerously familiar with feeling like you have no way out.
Let's set aside what's actually going to happen in TRT, since I can't tell you how it's going to go down. Let's just take this exactly as it happens in canon - Matt convinces himself that, like with everyone else, she's better off without him; that even if she loved both Matt and Devil, he's now neither - he can't fight, he can't be a lawyer, so he can't be either of the things she loved and needed. And so he still hands that pipe over and offers himself up to be killed. And she finds out.
Matt is the only person she's ever met who doesn't give up. He fights, over and over and over, even when things are hopeless. It's why she stayed and fought - because he convinced her that even when things seem hopeless, you fight. It's not how you hit the mat, it's how you get up. It doesn't make her angry that he, in that moment, gave up. Because she knows Matt. And she knows that the only reason he would ever, ever give up is because he's in the darkest place he's ever been, somewhere so very far away, cold and alone in shadows that are so much louder than the voices of those that love him.
Add to that idea that she's almost lost him - again - and...
This would break her. It would tear her right down the middle, grief and agony so strong her knees would hit the ground, so strong she'd retch. Matt is her person, a star by which she guides her ship. She wants to grow old with him, or as old as the Devil can get. She had plans for this life with him. To know he's in this much pain is something she feels in the very heart of her.
And she would wonder if... she failed, somewhere. If she failed to let him know he was loved. If she failed to let him know she would always love him, even if he wasn't Matt, even if he wasn't Daredevil, even if he was no one at all, because she's been no one, been a Jane Doe for years, and he loved her regardless.
Did she touch him gently enough? Was she there for him often enough? Did she miss the right moment to whisper in his ear as she held him that the shadows were wrong, that he made the world better, that he was a good man, that she was proud of him, and that it was ok if he wanted to let this hurt out because she'd be there to hold him through it?
And yet she'd also be struck by one urge most of all, one she gave into over and over even before they started a relationship:
Help him.
There's no way she wouldn't find her way to that church basement. Maybe Maggie calls her; maybe she gets there herself. But either way, she winds up in that basement. She would find him there where he's curled up in that corner, lost and hurting and convinced he's nothing. And there's no way she wouldn't crawl to him, take him into her arms as he breaks, as his voice cracks on a, 'it hurts, sweetheart, it hurts so much.' No way she wouldn't bury her face in his hair, crying just like him, and whisper back, 'I know, Matt. I know it does, D. It'll be ok. I love you so, so much, Matt. It'll be ok.'
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