#it's 1:30am I'm being weird as shit i need SLEEP

[angeltism]

having thoughts abt somebun I don't even interact with that I really shouldn't be having !

[patscorner]

FEEL BETTER

Tw: emethophobia

________

Chris POV

"Alright guys, I'm tired and I'm going to bed." I say picking my phone up.

"Really? It's only 10. You feeling okay?" Nick asks looking up from his phone.

"Yeah. I'm just tired, I guess." I say plastering a fake smile on my face.

Nick looks at Matt and shrugs. "Uh.. okay, love you bud." Nick says.

"See you tomorrow, Chris." Matt calls after me as I leave.

"Seeya, love you too." I yell back, walking down the stairs to my room.

Me being tired is only the half truth. My stomach had been killing me all day, and I'm hoping I can sleep it off.

I put on some sweats and a long sleeve shirt. I'm so cold, even though it's 85° outside. I lay down and try to get some sleep.

I'm calling to sleep but it ain't answering. I keep tossing and turning, my stomach doing the same but on the inside.

It's keeping me awake no matter how hard I try to got to sleep. I finally decide to check my phone. 1:30AM. I get up and go into my bathroom,  turning the water on and letting it run on my hands, which I wipe on my face.

I get back into bed and finally fall asleep for a while.

It doesn't last long.

My stomach feels like it's  turning itself inside out, it hurts so much.

"Holy shit..." I grumble. I start to sweat profusely, letting out a wet burp.

My throat starts to burn. "Oh shit." I cover my mouth as another wet burp escapes. I stand up and run into the bathroom, knocking over my lamp, not looking back as it shatters behind me.

Matt's POV

I wake up to something falling downstairs near Chris' room. I fell asleep on the couch with Nick, but he must've gone to his room because I was alone.

I check the time on my phone. 3:45AM. Then I hear shuffling downstairs, and weird noises. I rub my eyes and go downstairs.

I knock on Chris's door. No answer.

"Chris?" I say rubbing my eyes again. "You okay bud?"

I hear a burp and a whimper.

"Okay I'm coming in." I say. I open the door and turn on the light. I see his lamp shattered on the floor.

"What..? Chris?"

I hear a whimper come from the bathroom.

I turn the corner and see Chris hovering over the toilet.

"Oh shit. You okay bud?"

Chris answers with a gag, followed by his stomach contents being emptied into the toilet.

"Oh, Chris." I say, kneeling next to him. I rub circles on his back, while he gags but nothing comes up.

Afte 5 minutes he collapses into my arms. "Are you done, sweetie?" I ask.

He shakes his head. Tears are coming down his face. "N-no. No-Nothings coming u-up." He swallowed thickly.

"Are you lying to me?" I say raising an eyebrow.

He nods

"You gotta just let it out, honey. You'll feel much better, I promise."

"I- I need it t-to stop. It hurts s-so much." He says through broken sobs.

"I know, I know but you gotta let it out." I say. I got an idea but he's not gonna like it. "Let's try one more time?"

He nods slowly, sitting up.

As he gags I slowly put pressure on his stomach, helping him relieve some of the tension.

"Matt stop, I'm gonna-" he's interrupted by vomit. I look away. Not a pretty sight at all.

Chris collapses into me as I lean on the wall across the toilet.

"You did great, babe." I whisper, running my hand through his hair." Can I get a hug?"

Chris nods, clearly exhausted. He turns around to give me a hug.

We sit on the floor for a while, both of us eventually dosing off. Finally, peace. Or so I thought.

Chris started to stir in my arms. I open my eyes in time, to see him vomiting on my shirt.

"Chris..." I say, gagging. I cover my nose and look away. I must process this... this man just threw up on me.

"Oh, Matt. I'm sor-" he interrupts himself to sit up and vomit into the toilet.

"Its okay Chris. I'll be right back, okay?" I stand up, take my shirt off and ball it up. I run upstairs grabbing a new one. I'm surprised to see it getting brighter outside. How long were we out?

I grab a clean shirt from my room as well as a wet rag.

I run back down stairs to see Chris lying on his back on the bathroom floor.

"You think you're done?" I ask.

He nods, clearly tired from losing all of yesterday's meals.

"Okay. Let's get you up then." I put the rag on his table, making sure I don't step on any glass from his shattered mirror.

I help him up slowly, not wanting to incite anymore projectile vomit.

He's got some on his shirt, and he's almost sweated through it.

I grab him a clean shirt and help him take his off.

After he's changed his shirt, I lay him down and put the rag on his head.

I turn to leave to grab the broom, but he grabs my shirt.

"Don't leave. Please stay." He slurs.

"I gotta clean up this glass and I'll lay with you, okay. I promise."

"Matty, please.."

I sigh. "Fine." I grab his trash can and set it next to his bed just in case.

Then I lay down with him until he had to throw up again. Which happens 2 more times. But after that, Chris sleeps peacefully.

We dont do anything the next day because me and Chris were pooped. Nick slept wonderfully, of course.

After a couple days, Chris is fine and we all continue our lives.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

1:22pm.

What a day.

Sunday, March 22nd of 2020.

What the actual fuck.

Time to vent today:

I woke up at 8:30am to get ready for the gig I landed assisting my buddy Eli. I was not happy, considering my bed was cozy for once, and I went to sleep at like.... 3am, maybe? Something like that. My vision still feels fucked.

Eli was..... hmm.... it's not good to speak badly of those who are ill or have misfortune. It was a good opportunity for me, to get financial assistance in exchange for helping a man get out of bed, in the shower, and into his chair.

I'm moreso annoyed at how his roommate went "fuck this shit" and dipped to Santa Cruz, despite 1) our city being in fucking shutdown mode, and 2) her roommate is immuno-compromised. She supposedly had a panic attack and plans to visit her boyfriend every weekend.... But, what if she comes back with the illness? Then Eli would die. Does she even care about that? Also, I hate to say it, but if he died, she would also lose the free rent and 1k a month she's getting. All since FaceTime didn't work. Pretty fucked, if you ask me.

For a nihilist that prefers to only do things that benefit me, I sure do enjoy helping others... He's paying me, but idk, maybe i would've done it for free out of guilt.

Seeing hoards of people in line at CVS as I was in my uber over to Eli.... I wonder how many of those people are still working or serving food, posing a risk to every person they slightly interact with.

I can't touch a single thing without being afraid to touch another. It's hell. I hated even touching his soap, or the handles on his sink.... God, this is hell.

Watching a grown man prefer to wiggle his way across a floor for 30 minutes to the bathroom immediately next door instead of using his chair, and the reverse...... oh, depressing.

I also realized his condition means he cant close his eyes in the shower. I don't know why he wants a scalding hot shower if he knows there's no way to turn the water off, or to get his face out the way..... I didn't realize until I saw him leave the shower with scaldingly red eyes.

Plus, the woman who blew up my phone for awhile begging for evidence of her husband cheating, (i knew him for less than a week and nothing even happened, but he had been texting me about escorts from his past and other shit so his soon to be ex wants to know about that shit,) all of a sudden blocked my phone number today.... Do people have weird apps to tell who's been snooping their profiles? I got a little nosey, since hers was recommended to me, and not gonna lie she's super pretty. Why even cheat on her? Jesus christ.

Or like... why get married if you would get bored of her? Idk. I'd be pissed off, if my hot self got married, just for some dumbass to "get bored of me".... then don't agree to lifelong marriage, when what you really want is just a longterm fuckbuddy you jackass?

Whoever I marry, I would want to love me through weight gain, car accidents, grey hairs, or aging. I plan to be fine as hell, whether I am flawless or I have wrinkles on every surface of me.

Anyway, the very pissy wife of the hussy guy ended up blocking my phone number. Which is stupid, since even a "how did you find my instagram" text would have resolved things, if she was all that curious about it.... I can assure you, that the route of "how did u find my page" is much less self damaging than "lets block the only girl who is living proof of my husband cheating on me".

What sense does that make? She complained about desperately needing evidence to send to a lawyer, to get alimoney, since with COVID-19, she may not have a job in a few weeks, and needs to support herself.... so, you gotta be a specific level of headass, to be like "Block her number, she saw photos of me wearing red lippie. Forget all about needing proof of infidelity for the sake of having money." GOD, HOW IS SHE THAT DUMB???????

She was hot too, so its extra disappointing. But whatever, oh well.

If I had a super rich husband, then you bet your ass that if he cheated on me, I would run up those pockets. Marriages are supposed to show long term trust, and financial stability among women. Therefore, why the fuck would I care if some random side chick of his that I wanted to befriend, (she did say she wanted to be friends despite the ten year age gap or so......) looks at my selfies? Would that stop my bag? No.

God, she's an idiot.

1:48pm.

I also question my morals lately.

Idk, like, still not 100% sure where i stand in terms of conventional dating standards and whatnot.

I think to an extent, certain things should still be in place for the time being. Like dudes paying for the first date if they asked, or going dutch if people want otherwise. I'm pro-helping dudes out or paying for a meal every once and awhile, but extremely anti-girl paying for every single meal with "her man", or getting scoffed at by a dude she's dating when asking for them to spot her for a meal.

(Pro-equality, anti-taking advantage of women. If women already get paid less than men for the same job, the fuck i look like buying shit with the little pocket change i got?)

For the right person, whether im rich or poor, i definitely would treat out. Full honesty. But its a very different relationship, if the girl is expected to look hot, stay interesting, work a job, still have time to be around enough for a guy to not feel "ignored", but not too much, to not feel "smothered", AND you pay for his shit.....

Nah. That's how bums are made. Stop.

If a dude wants a healthy relationship, then communication on what works and what each person can do works great. Some relationships, me and the dude split everything, but still treated eachother out, or enjoyed our company. Others, the guy felt some sort of weird, conservative, traditionalist urge to cover every single purchase for me.... Hot, not gonna lie.

And I can tolerate a lot of bullshit, (or, i used to until i started realizing i was on a downward spiral with how i treated my ex and should stray from dating any immature men for now,) but I can't tolerate creepy broke dudes, really.

Sure, I'm broke as fuck. But I wouldn't just be out here, insisting everyone else pay for it. And if I ever did, I'd simply leave a relationship, if I felt like certain needs aren't met.

Now, the hypocrisy definitely is there. Its like, yes, take care of your partner and make sure they are doing well. But if they can't reciprocate, or do for you... then they just aren't for you.

The traditionalist men I dated were fine with splitting the bill, and absolutely were fine with supporting me. But I never just went "cool, imma mooch!" I ended up going, "You've treated me out so much lately, let me treat you as well!", and planned picnics or movie nights in my price range.

(But then after a few people totally ruined my hope in others, then settling for letting men pay for everything and just giving a smile and a hug worked out better. No more cancelled picnics or hurt, more selfishness.)

So even if you date someone who didn't come from wealth or whatever, it doesnt matter that theyre wealthy, it matters that they're caring for you in the way you would wish.

And rich or poor, if they're not? Leave their ass.

Or, marry them and have them mysteriously die under odd circumstances, and live off of their money for the rest of their life.

......

Choice is yours, really. :)

....

2:04pm.

[redacted] used to kiss his dog in the mouth.

Yuck.

I gotta date men with better hygiene someday.

Also, I got paid. Gonna be working with Eli on the weekends! I should order groceries, since the difference between paying 200 dollars for Doordash, or 200 for groceries, is that Doordash would give me like... 8 orders, of things that cost 14 dollars each priced up to 28 dollars with the delivery fees and tip.

And Trader Joes would give me an obnoxious amount of fruit, veggies, and flavorless and disgusting microwaveable dishes.

Should I go to target and just stock up on couscous, chicken broth, and brocolli again? I used to survive pretty well off of that before...... easiest and tastiest dish to make in a cup in a microwave.

Interesting.

Anyway, I better go eat one of the many things I doordashed last night. I'm cold, and tired, and a little annoyed.

I can spend today deepcleaning aimlessly, creating, or watching youtubers drone on, while playing yet another, "oh look spooky dirty looking house with no lighting" video game again.....

Oy vey.

No wonder I got depressed. All the days repeat the same. Fuckin hell.

And not even the option of sex is out there.

Yikes. :)

I better buy a walldick, just in case.

Alright.

Peace.

[tamiddyinyourcity]

8:03pm, life is a never ending trainwreck and I'm just a passenger on it, trying to make it stop, but life stops for nobody.

Yall know what day it is, im not saying it. Go fuck yourself.

I've got a looong list of problems.

And no energy.

Since staying up till 4:30am this morning to think about how much of a shithole my favorite ex boyfriend, Patrick #1, really was like, *did* help me not focus on #2 Patrick.

But it did make me angry.

I hate it so much.

.....

Anyway, I woke up at 4pm today. I couldve gotten up at 10am like i originally did, but i was dealing with menstrual depression, seasonal depression, as well as a heartbreak and normal depression about several other men who never deserved me...

That I laid my ass back to sleep. In the amazingly fuzzy 10 dollar blanket I splurged on for myself.... fuck yeah.

Aaaaand then I had a series of weird dreams.

The only one that sticks out is that a member of the Yakuza broke into my (in dream) luxury socialite apartment with his gang members to kill me.

Somehow, he killed my friend, some random bitch that i didnt know.

And right as he was gonna kill me, he noticed i didnt give a shit? And somehow he got a boner???????? To make a long story short, it was a weirdly hot dream, and I didn't understand what any of it symbolized. But it ended with me dating the Yakuza member, and he got me lillies.

....I know the flowers directly correlated to what I said the other night.....

Maybe its just a dream thats reflective of what I want next in a man? I dont know? But yeah, dreams glorifying the Yakuza, arent cool.....

Dreams of getting piped down by a 7 inch long schlong on a hot older guy with a eye patch? (I think he had an eye patch, i dunno.) THAT is welcomed, those are always welcome.

......

It felt a little too realistic, so i woke up like, "AM I HALLUCINATING AND IM BEING INTRUDED ON IN MY BEDROOM", but nope. Same old bedroom, same ol shit. Nothing super great.

.....

Yeah.

.....

One of my instagram mutuals made a post on their page like "whatever you lost, im gonna be honest, was never yours to begin with if you could lose it. now, youve got options. not great options, but still options. so pick one, and roll with it."

Not sure if it was a vaguepost, since I was sharing videos from hangouts with Patrick #2 on my instagram story, but I did need to see that.

Aaaaand.

.....my options for men still suck.

There's the redheaded ginger, who most likely has a black girl fetish, and just sees me as another pair of brown cheeks to smash. (Gross dude, not a big fan of fetishization...)

And then some random horndog blonde dude, who I'm not really into either. (And of course, just messaged me since i am single, and in his words, "cute and funny and might have something in common with"..... But, made it clear he's "looking to feel, but not catch feelings", and obviously is a fuckboy with a Grade A Drake Copycat personality..... Like, die.)

.....

I asked out the latter, for the sake of getting dolled up and going out this week. Sleeping and eating random gummy bears and takis isnt the healthiest thing i can think of.

So, a date with someone I'm not that into, still counts as "a step in the right direction".

Hell, I didn't like Patrick #1 when I first met him.... And I was already seeing Calvin, so it was more of a "fuck it, you need to socialize, otherwise you will fucking regret it" level situation.

(A good way to never be emotionally attached to anyone, is to have too many "someones", ive noticed. Since which seems better, staying at home, exhausted and pining to see Calvin again? Or, getting free chinese food, with the guy who got my phone number months back?)

Exactly. :)

.....But to be fair, it was instant attraction when I first met Patrick #1. Marco was being uninterested in me the whole time we "had a platonic hangout", (we made out, but whatever man,) but ohhhhhhhhh, the second I take a number from the hot guy giving me hella samples at Ben and Jerry's, suddenly I'M the bad guy?

Fuck you, Marco, you can't be the only thot.

But Patrick #1 took forever to find a day to meet with me, me and Calvin became more of a thing the more we started fucking, and whatnot. And Patrick is terrible at taking photos, so it didnt help if the day I met him, I thought, "DAMN, his muscles are just showing through his shirt.... He's got REALLY nice blue eyes too, holy shit, i gotta stop staring and smiling."

Buuuut his unphotogenic ass sent me photos at the WEIRDEST angles. Photos that made his smile crooked, forehead hella big, teeth look tiny, jaw hella weird, even his eyes looked dark brown instead of his actual color.... How the hell do you achieve photos like that, of looking super unrecognizable?

The day I hesitantly showed up to the date, it was, "Okay, he IS hot. But how the fuck did his photos look so unrecognizable?"

And he seemed too....... idk, tame to me.

Or well, how do I put it.... straight edged?

I don't like people who are too straight edged, and he fit perfectly into the "self obsessed, very airheaded, overly cocky, and jocky athlete who saw me as a sexual pursuit instead of an equal human being", box I had perceived in my mind for him.

And that.... doesnt fit me great.

Especially if I'm a huge fan of men that listen to me, are humble, caring, and treat me as an equal and less of a "hot tail to chase, out of all girls out there".

Plus, explaining things like my gender identity, sexuality, weird sense of humor, brashness, and basically anything about me that Fox News could bash, to this straight cis white dude......... is cringe.

.......yikes.

But there I was; pink lip gloss on, and a cute outfit too, that he couldn't be bothered to compliment. (That hurt, since he didnt try to hide it, either. I dont like being objectified or expecting to do the most for men, that wouldnt do the same for me...... I did what I felt was a great and sexy, stunning outfit, after looking and dressing not the greatest for some time... then i got bashed for it.)

He's such an asshole! God!

......I knew he was, though. First date, despite many pleas of wanting to go home, and desperately needing to piss, he did a fake yawn and insisted on "pulling over for a small break, since im just soooooo tired"....

Aaaaaand death staring at me.

Not making me the slightest bit comfortable.

Nothing makes a shy and underweight girl more comfortable, than it being 2am, and an asshole guy pulling over to an abandoned road at night, aggressively staring you down in silence, trying to force chemistry that isn't there. (And, i was gonna fucking piss fucking everywhere if nigga didnt take me home.)

......we kissed. I didnt like it. Preferred Calvin, and im admitting it now, since I am single, and neither of these men are in my life. Nigga kept trying to grope me anywhere he could too, or just not let me go.

I eventually just pulled a "oh hold up, wait", and pretended like i was reaching for something in my seat.

He let me go, and said, "oh hey, whats wrong?"

I then fully let go of his grasp, sat far away near my window, buckled in my seatbelt and said, "im ready to go home now", with a smile. "As i told you several times before, i really need to pee. Lets take me home now."

....this story ends with him rudely speeding off before i even get all the way up the stairs, and ruined paints, all thanks to him.

I only kept seeing him as a time killer. "Hot girl summer" means having joyful presence and nice company to be around. It was a better alternative to staying in bed, and yeah.

We grew a lot from there.

He became more aware, became more thoughtful, etc.

.....its a shame he never stayed that way.

But, it just meant it was a temporary facade he thought he could keep up.

Just like all the others.

............

I better go shower and wash my hair. Its falling out. :)

8:35pm, slightly less of a trainwreck than most people i know.

Feels nice.

Peace out.