#it's even funnier because you don't even like turnips

[vidavalor]

(Non-Frozen) Peas. A Good Omens Sex Meta Thing Side Dish

Shorter little vegetable-themed side dish to Crepes, which you do not have to have read first. All by way of Aziraphale's dirty French in S2 about how he has a craving for Crowley's Eden.

*slips into GO fandom quietly* *whispers*

Do you all realize that another translation of Aziraphale's "Ou est la plume de la jardiniere de ma tante?" is...

"Where is the feathered garden box of my queen?"

I probably don't need to tell you that both 'garden' and 'box' are sexual euphemisms for lady parts and, to make matters funnier, remind you of this scene earlier in the season, in which a literal box became related to... well, it's somewhat open to interpretation so let's just call it a gasp-worthy, part-related situation. :)

"Where is the feathered garden box of my queen?" is Aziraphale saying that it's been a minute since he worshipped Lady Crowley and he misses her.

This would account for Aziraphale's impish "but you understood me" and flirty little smile and wiggles. He's so cute about it that Nina comes out of her coffee shop to try to hear what they're talking about that's made the bookseller look so alive and has Snarky Sunglasses all flustered.

Crowley's "Only because, for two hundred and fifty years, you've been wittering on about the plume of your imaginary 'tante.'" = "Only because, ever since you took French lessons the human way, I've had to listen to you euphemistically referring to my occasional wild flower garden and calling me your queen in two different languages and I love to hate how much I absolutely love it."

We know that Crowley did understand Aziraphale and not just because he also speaks French but because his traditional choices in translating it back to Aziraphale in protest-- "you don't have an aunt, she doesn't have a gardener and he doesn't have a... pen"-- is intentionally a bit incorrect because Aziraphale used the feminine French word for 'gardener'-- la jardiniere-- in his sentence. As a result, Crowley is protesting that "the gardener" is a he right now, Aziraphale, and he doesn't have a-- pause of 'wait, this isn't going to work if I translate 'plume' as 'feathers'-- euphemistic or literal-- as I have both so I'll go with the other thing the word means instead'--... pen.

(Which winds up even funnier since a pen is phallic and euphemistic, in this sense, for currently having a penis, which is actually Crowley's current state of effort in that moment. Hold those thoughts until we get to turnips and inkwells down below lol.)

A 'plume' in French is a pen, a feather, a quill, and a cloud of rising smoke. In Good Omens, it's also used in the smoke-like definition by Michael to describe the pink plume of magical energy that came from the bookshop when Crowley and Aziraphale miracled together. Crowley responded with 'pen'-- which is a riff on the fact that Aziraphale is riffing on "la plume de ma tante", a cliched line said derogatorily to mean 'those sentences that you learn when you learn a new language that you'd never say in real life.' Crowley used 'aunt', 'gardener' and 'pen' as the translation in reference to the cliche Aziraphale was referencing. Aziraphale, though, adjusted the line, as we saw-- adding words to it to make it a stealth, flirty request-- and Crowley did hear the innuendo. Crowley correctly heard Aziraphale using 'plume' in the 'feather' sense (hilariously, considering that they have actual feathers in their angel/demon forms lol), with the 'feather'-context 'plume' being euphemistic for Crowley keeping it real down below.

(It could be worse, Crowley. He could be in a blasphemous mood and referring to it as "The Burning Bush"... which I feel like you'd actually find hilarious but anyway, moving on...)

In English, appropriated from the French, a 'jardiniere' is a flower box/garden planter. 'Tante' is French for 'aunt' but it's also a word meaning both 'queen'/'pansy' in the queer sense of the words (a 'pansy' also being a kind of flower, of course, adding to the Eden motif that "*the* Southern Pansy" Aziraphale has going on for his gardener partner here) but 'tante' is also one of the words that just means 'queen' as well, in the 'regal' sense of the word. It might not be the first word Aziraphale would use if he were, instead, speaking a sentence in French about, say, Queen Camilla-- but it's maybe a more appropriate one for flirting with his gender-everything partner by telling him in French that it's been too long since he spent some quality time with his queen's jardiniere.

'A la jardiniere' is also a French cooking term. It translates as "in the manner of the gardener's wife" (Gabriel: "Whatever that is."). It is obviously an archaic-sounding term when it comes to gender but, for the purposes of metaphor here, it's actually a little useful. The phrase is born out of the idea that the chef would be male, straight and married and that his wife would be keeping their kitchen garden-- which, even though she was probably running it, is credited to him, because the patriarchy-- from which fresh vegetables could easily be picked and used in a dish. As such, it's a lot more fun that Aziraphale is using the French here because the actual gardener doing the garden work in the definition of 'jardiniere' is specifically female by the term's description, so it's another way to reference Crowley's femininity.

There's also, of course, that "in the manner of the gardener's wife" is about as porny a definition for a phrase that can possibly be translated from one language to another lol and so adds to the idea of 'jardiniere' being sexually euphemistic. Atop that, there's the fact that the word itself relates food to romance and sex by referring to the chef and the gardener as married in its definition. The second half of this scene is the Nina & Crowley "partners" conversation. In a season that has Crowley and Aziraphale unable to deal with words like 'couple' and 'partners', if only Maggie and Nina understood that maybe they don't know how to use traditional words but damned if Aziraphale isn't already on covertly calling Crowley his spouse when flirting with him.

While 'a la jardiniere' is a cooking term, 'la jardiniere/jardiniere' is also a French food term. It is a side dish or a garnish of mixed vegetables, usually spring garden vegetables. So, carrots, green beans, potatoes (Crowley: "You say 'potato', I say 'excellent'" lol), turnips (Aziraphale can turn garden variety sex into inkwells!-- haha 'garden' pun, get it? please send help-- and inkwells are the things one dips a quill pen into.... and, now, we're back to the 'pen' translation of 'la plume...').

The most signature vegetables of jardiniere, though, are peas.

As Crowley would tell Shax and anyone who will listen, literal ducks-the-water-fowl need not get their actual jardiniere defrosted.

Aziraphale-- the more discerning duck-- likes his hot, though.

~~~

If you have not already and would like to read more meta like this:

[subtract-me-from-your-heart]

Hey and welcome to another episode of Sin Eats! Tonight is a recipe that Jay pulled straight out of his... brain.

Tuna Steaks with Roasted Purple Potatoes and Onions

Roasted veggies are a staple in our house. I'll eat pretty much any vegetable if Jay roasts it, with the exception of squash. Fuck that noise. But broccoli, cauliflower, brussel sprouts, carrots, onions, turnips, parsnips, rutabaga, asparagus (which I normally HATE)... that's the STUFF my guy.

Tuna steaks are an easy protein, full of the omega-3 fatty acids that us olds need to stop dying so quickly. Tuna also happen to be the only fish I'll eat. Fish are disgusting. Unless it's tuna or fish and chips. I can do fish and chips.

We buy frozen yellowfin tuna because that's what you get when the ocean is just a distant dream. If you're some kinda smartass who can get fresh or ahi or something, be my guest. Treat yourself. I'll just be out here turning green with envy.

Make sure if you're using frozen to move it to the refrigerator to thaw overnight. That's the safest way to thaw any meat, but especially seafood.

As always, listen to your heart when the seasonings are calling to you. Listen to your heart. There's nothing else you can do.

Ingredients

Tuna Steak

Tuna steak (one each for everyone eating... or just the people you like)

Salt

Lemon pepper

Splash lemon juice

Roasted Veggies

1 large sweet onion

1 lb purple potatoes (or whatever potato you like... unless you like russets. If that's your favorite potato, who hurt you? Why do you wanna eat dirt?)

60g (1/2 cup) feta cheese (parmesan is good too)

Extra virgin olive oil cooking spray (or just the bottle for drizzlin')

Preheat oven to 425°F (218°C).

Slice potatoes into rounds. Cut onion into long strips (or as Jay says, stree-ips).

Place on a baking sheet with foil, realize your pan might be too small, but carry on anyway because you're fucking committed now. Either drizzle with extra virgin olive oil or spray with olive oil cooking spray. Jay likes the cooking spray because you get nice, even coverage. Don't go crazy, though, unless you like drinking oil or something.

Sprinkle with salt, garlic powder, a little sage, oregano, and mix with your hands like a real man. Remember the rule: season til it smells good enough to make you drool.

Place pan in preheated oven and roast for 15 minutes.

While the veggies are roasting, ask your partner for a little bowl very politely so they don't say you were bossing them around in their Tumblr post.

Time to prep the tuna! Season your tuna steaks with salt, lemon pepper, and lemon juice on both sides. Make sure to wash your hands before touching the lemon juice bottle unless you wanna grow some bacteria in your fridge. Get real cute for a second and tell your partner that you're not marinating them because the last time you made them this way they said it was their favorite tuna steak you've ever made. Awww.

Take the dog outside while your partner makes sure the house doesn't catch on fire, and complain at him because the timer is about to go off.

After 15 minutes, stir the veggies around. Mix 'em up, flip 'em over, whatever. We just want those suckers to cook evenly. Then put them back in the oven to roast for another 15 minutes.

Oil a frying pan and warm on medium high heat. Like always, when you toss a few drops of water in and it sizzles, it's ready.

Cook the tuna steaks for around 2 minutes on each side. Tuna steaks are supposed to be rare in the middle. Generally, try to turn them when you see the cooked part spread a little ways up the side (not too far though). Make sure to sear all sides of the steaks. Tongs work great for this, but did Jay use them? No. Did I suggest it? No, because it's funnier this way.

Take the tuna off the heat and let it rest. Pray when you cut it open that it's not over or undercooked. Or you could just cut into them before taking them out of the pan if you want to expedite your shame. They're probably not cooked right, but we have to live with our mistakes. Will we learn from them? Negative.

Holy shit I think it's actually cooked right. Show your partner and ask if they'll eat it that rare because they're a little bitch. Yes? Okay!

Remove veggies from oven and attempt not to burn your hand.

Sprinkle with lemon juice and feta cheese crumbles.

Stuff your face! You may have to fight off your cats if they, like ours, think anything remotely tuna-smelling is their food.

Yield: 6(ish) servings of veggies

Calories: 181 calories

Tuna calories will depend on the weight of the steak, but generally a 5 oz steak is 100 calories

Honestly, eat more veggies if you want. They're good for you.

The finished product!