#it's genuinely introspective and examines how the characters would actually interact with each other

[burr-ell]

I didn't want to make this post by @utilitycaster even longer than it was or derail from the immediate subject, so I'm making my own to discuss these frustratingly apt tags:

#tangent but the best way to put it is that there is a FRIGHTENING lack of empathy among a certain set of shippers #and every other character is constant collateral and right now Orym's on the chopping block#but like. feed fcg the coin? guests merely exist to make the relationship happen? Orym would be happier dead? #how dare ashton express they have also experienced trauma? shitting on every past deity-aligned character? it's a real pattern.

Because I was reminded that this is also, by my estimation, the reason a lot of people were genuinely upset with C3 Percy. Some corners of the fandom had spent months building up fanon where Percy, one half of one of the most iconic CR ships (and therefore a huge form of potential validation), would do everything in his power to make Imodna happen bring Laudna back to life and get rid of Delilah. And then Bell's Hells actually met him, and it turned out that under the circumstances, Percy was an individual with his own thoughts and feelings about death and fate who'd had thirty years to reflect and had reservations about resurrection even laying aside the Delilah situation.

It didn't matter that he explicitly said he wasn't rejecting the idea of bringing Laudna back entirely. It didn't matter that he had very good reasons to behave this way, reasons that the entire fandom was reminded about rather viscerally less than a year beforehand. It didn't matter that once he was assured there was no threat, he was actually really helpful and genuinely kind to Laudna in particular. If he wasn't immediately accommodating to fanon and validating the juggernaut ship, he was an irredeemable asshole who deserved to be "humbled" by having his wife and close friend go behind his back despite any reasons they might have to be concerned. (Which, to be clear, they didn't do, but the "nyah-nyah, Vex and Pike totally OWNED that rich old geezer cause they're strong women who do what they want!" sentiment was very obnoxious and I was pleased to see that Matt torpedoed it.)

[neoyi]

IT'S TIME.

TIME TO RESUME MY KINGDOM HEARTS JOURNEY TO PLAY EVERY MAJOR GAME IN THE SERIES... within the "The Story So Far" Collection.

As always, if I have stuff to talk about, I'll make blog posts and tag it with "Neo Yi Plays Kingdom Hearts" and "Neo Yi Plays Birth By Sleep." Depends if I have anything to say and the frequency of posts.

If any of you guys are interested, I talked about the first Kingdom Hearts and Chain of Memories via these series of posts. Kingdom Hearts II is a bit different in that I gathered a bunch of thoughts into several blog posts.

Most of them are, admittedly, incomplete, so here's a tl;dr recap on my feelings for each game thus far. Read it under the "Keeping Reading."

KINGDOM HEARTS: Solid. Before they knew they had a major hit on their hand, before they expanded it into a massive franchise, Kingdom Hearts worked as a largely standalone story, which meant it kept a basic plot of Boy Travels To Disney Worlds To Save Friends/The Multiverse without muddling it down with the kind of convoluted nonsense that would be associated, infamously or otherwise, with the series as a whole.

I'm especially impressed by Sora and Riku's rivalry and the bits of nuances that's in there. How they interact, grow, and bounce off each other is handled well and also, pretty damn compelling.

CHAIN OF MEMORIES: I actually like the card mechanic. But I'm a basic bitch for card games in video games.

Sora and Riku's respective story takes its logical next step. While it's expected that Riku's journey would kickstart his path to redemption to make up for his bullshit, I was pleasantly surprised by Sora's; at times, he'll often examine himself and asks if his naivety and boyish optimism caused more harm than good.

It's not deep, but I dug how introspective it got.

KINGDOM HEARTS II: I thought replaying this game last year after not having touched it since it first came out (2005, yikes!) would mean I'd have a better grip on the story and I still... kinda don't. But also I do?

Like the story is not shooting for the stars or anything, it's still Boy Saves the Multiverse From Bad Guys, but because it's a sequel to an unexpected hit, it suffers under the weight of its own expectation to be Bigger and Grander. Not only are the stakes higher, but the character counts bigger and with it, a far, far messier narrative.

This is when the game start to try and explain every single background detail to either answer questions, contextualize others, or plant the seeds for future events that not even the main writers likely knew at the time what it would be other than a "wouldn't this be cool if we hinted this?"

Chain of Memories' complicated plot can be forgiven as a monkey-in-the-middle game that basically had to stall Organization XIII's main plan with vague foreshadowing and unrelated hi-jinxes until KHII could step in and finalize it.

And I'm still left scratching my head. I guess in the end, it just boils down to what it is: Organization XIII is gonna do A Bad and Sora and pals have to stop them. I think for my sanity, I'm fine just taking it as just that.

...But that whole King Ansem from KH1 was not the REAL King Ansem twist is still a load of bunk. There really was no dang point with this weird retcon. The first game's backstory was simple and established all we needed to know: Good King found out other worlds exist, experimented with the Heartless, and got corrupted. Simple, easy, to the point. You can continue to build off from that using Org XIII and the other non-Final Fantasy characters from then on.

Having his name and title usurped by an imposter adds nothing and especially so once KHII introduces the genuine article (going by the disguised name DiZ) who... proceeds to meander around, get his revenge at the last minute, and dies.

I don't know, I just find the Good King Turned Corrupted angle more interesting. EDIT: Oh yeah, and Maleficient's revival was pointless. She does nothing except try and find a new Villain Base and that's it. From what I hear, she will continue to do a whole lot of nothing. Though I am vastly amused how patient she is with Pete, of all character, tagging along.

RE:CODED: All I came out of this is that there is now a moral and ethical dilemma to consider with the existence of Data Sora and Data Riku. If they're considered their own separate individuals with their own hearts, how would the real Sora and Riku find out once they bump into essentially, digital AI clones of themselves?

I guess Sora would be cool with it. He's already met like three different versions of himself with equal, but individual, sentience and free will, so this would probably be a Tuesday for him.

358/2 DAYS: Maybe it might have been better if I played my DS copy of the game instead of watching the cutscenes only, but I was largely apathetic to Organization XIII's antics. I guess if you're a fan of them, having an entire game dedicated to their day-to-day operation might be enticing, but I've never really endeared myself to any of them (except maybe Luxurd, the gambler rogue.)

I will say, I do genuinely think Axel, Roxas, and Xion's friendship was well-established. I can absolutely see why these guys ended up as good friends, and Xion's death was actually pretty hard-hitting. Her entire life is a tragedy because at worst, she's just an experiment for the baddie's big plans, and at best, pieces of memories that belonged to Sora. In any case, she can't exist for too long without being tied to one or the other- there is no freedom for her. And it sucks even more because Roxas slowly starts to lose memory of her, so much that her death strikes him deeply as much as it confuses him. EDIT: I forgot that Xion's ultimate demise didn't come out of helplessness. Knowing her entire existence was doomed, she chose the path that would sabotage Xemnas' plans. Her time was short, but at least she went out on her own terms.

If I didn't know she'd return in KHIII, I'd argue her entire journey would have been one of Kingdom Heart's strongest and emotionally-affecting. Maybe it's her theme song. It's lovingly sorrowful.

[tegary-blog]

not sure why i was thinking about ragnarok in the shower, but an au concept (which i would love to turn into fanfic but we all know about how bad i am at actually committing)

this turned in to a whole plot synopsis/ramble so be warned lol. i needed it out of my head.

loki lands on sakaar in a very similar fashion to thor (albeit a few weeks earlier). he is captured by scrappers and fitted with an obedience disk, the shock of which is powerful enough to force him to drop his aesir glamours. (remember, the disc is enough to knock him flat on his back later in the movie, so i don’t think this is much of a stretch).

the grandmaster is elated at having found a frost giant (having never had one on sakaar before). instead of sending loki to fight, he traps him in an exhibit-style enclosure where he keeps “rare” and “exotic” beings. every so often he’ll bring the rich spectators through to ogle his “collection” (even more colonialism commentary!! with the added benefit of not having loki, who is a direct victim of odin’s colonialist vision, be a participant himself. it was played off as a joke, but during his time disguised as odin, loki did maintain non-interventionalist policies. it always sat weirdly with me that he would participate in the grandmaster’s shit, even if it was to save himself [[which now that i think of it, could have been commentary in and of itself. hm]] but i digress).

during this time (i think i read somewhere that loki was on sakaar ~2 weeks before thor fell?) loki does try to recover his glamours, and succeeds two or three times before he is shocked again and forced to return to his jotunn form. (scene where he’s only partially successful and ends up half-jotunn half-aesir anyone?) this sends him into a pretty bad spiral—he’s trapped on a strange planet, with no discernable escape, and forced to take on a form that he hates and has never truly come to terms with before. (plus, he likely believes that thor is dead during this time).

this sets up a storyline for loki that runs parallel to thor’s own. he begins to form connections with the other beings in this “exhibit” (running the possibility of bringing in some bonus characters from the comics that we haven't seen in the mcu yet, but i’m drawing a blank for specifics atm). through these relationships and some more introspective moments where he examines himself (has to come face-to-face with the blue skin and red eyes in the reflection on the glass of his enclosure), loki begins to grow more comfortable with himself. throughout the span of the events of ragnarok, he starts to realize that his jotunn form is beautiful, powerful, and nothing to be ashamed of. that it can be a part of him, just as his aesir form is. (and his masculine form, and his feminine form, and everything else that he feels and performs and is).

he and the other “exhibit” prisoners plan and execute an escape (probably by using loki’s newfound frost powers. the complex suppresses most of loki’s magic, but the grandmaster didn’t account for loki’s natural jotunn abilities). this is right around the time that thor and bruce escape, and their groups end up colliding. loki sees thor first, and is stunned by the fact that he’s still alive. he makes a split-second decision and shifts back to aesir form before thor spots him. he’s become more comfortable with his jotunn form, but is afraid of how thor will react. the rest of loki’s group looks confused, but they don’t question it. 

cue the revengers shenanigans of the movie. loki never gives anything besides vague, noncommittal statements, but as thor interacts more with loki’s ragtag group of beings, he begins to understand where exactly loki’s spent most of his time on this planet. this leads to a few poignant, brotherly (or, in my case, less-than-brotherly) scenes in which thor and loki finally get to have some genuine discussions about their family, loki’s past, etc. there’s even a part where loki looks down at his hand, where his fingers are starting to tinge blue as he recedes his glamours, but they’re interrupted by someone and the moment disappears.

the whole heist thing happens and thor and loki are still partnered up, they still kick major ass, and there’s still a genuine moment between them in the elevator, though probably a bit different in tone. in the hangar, thor and loki meet up with loki’s group, who have already commandeered a small ship. torn, loki ends up telling thor that he wants to go with them and try the rest of the galaxy on for size. thor, though sad, is proud of his brother, and they bid each other farewell.

of course, loki has a change of heart and he and his group go back to grab the freed contenders and arrive on asgard to assist thor and the others. and then baby boy gets his badass moment where he’s kicking absolute ass and someone (hela maybe) snarls “what are you?”

and loki just smirks at them and drops his glamours and starts decimating with his ice powers.

cut to thor, who looks so damn proud of his baby brother (in, of course, a parallel to my favorite moment of the movie. cue immigrant song.)

well that ended up a lot longer than i had originally intended. if only i could do that much writing for my current projects, lol. anyway, i was just trying to come up with a way that the movie could have gone that would have allowed for loki to come to terms with himself (and, you know, have thor finally see loki in his jotunn form) because i feel we, the fans, have been robbed of jotunn!loki content. plus i just feel like a deeper dive into loki’s jotunn heritage really would have added to the movie’s anti-colonialist message? loki realizing that he’s been seeing himself through the eyes of a conquerer this whole time and learning to think of himself as beautiful and powerful and worthy of love?

but, i digress. kudos to you if you read this whole thing. i’ll tuck this neatly into my pile of prompts that i would love to write but will almost certainly never get around to 

[psionicsua]

Uncommon asks for Ko/kumo

oooh boy. here we go. this is only one of three but they are taking A While ;; long long post under the cut.

1. What’s the maximum amount of time your character can sit still with nothing to do?

Both of them are pretty good at this. Their minds are so busy, no matter how passive they’re being, they’re still somewhat at work. Ko would hate not being active in some capacity after a couple hours, though, his past makes him really hate stagnation. Kokumo could very easily do nothing for hours on end if left to his own devices, he would appreciate the time for introspection, but after like.. A day of nothing else, he would start to feel too guilty to not do Something.

2. How easy is it for your character to laugh?

Ko is very good at laughing as part of a persona, but when he’s not lying he’s not very emotive. I don’t think he would laugh at very much, unless he’s in a situation where he can tease someone like Rowan or Milo. Kokumo laughs a lot easier, and takes a lot of joy from fairly simple interactions, but he’s also pretty uncomfortable most of the time so he tries to stay more serene as a disguise for his negative emotions.

3. How do they put themselves to bed at night (reading, singing, thinking?)

Ko doesn’t like to sleep, and generally spaces out his required meditation during the night, forcing himself to shut down for an hour or two at a time. Kokumo welcomes the chance to meditate, and probably does so as soon as the action of the day has settled and he’s finished with his journal. He’s still up most of the night, though.

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

Ko’s is almost impossible to gain, taking weeks of almost constant interaction. He only ever fully trusted in like, three people. Kokumo has an inverse of this - an implicit trust in the people close to him, and his belief that everyone has the opportunity to change themselves makes him more likely to offer his trust as a show of faith.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

Very easy for both of them. Ko mistrusts immediately, and any change in that can be quickly reverted if he’s presented with a reason for mistrust. Kokumo, while much more willing to trust, is not willing to put in the work for those who don’t want to change. If that is evident in their behavior, he doesn’t see the need to trust them.

6. Do they consider laws flexible, or immovable?

Ko has no regard for law whatsoever. Kokumo will play by them if he feels he has to, but he doesn’t really believe in them.

7. What triggers nostalgia for them, most often? Do they enjoy that feeling?

Ko gets nostalgic for the Denten and his life with Hermione pretty easily, but he also shuts it down as quickly as possible. It hurts too much for him to enjoy his past. Kokumo.. has a very strained relationship with his past. Nostalgia specifically is actually beyond his capabilities.

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child

Ko was kind of a perfect kid for the most part, although Hermione try to keep him from putting himself in potential danger.

9. Do they swear? Do they remember their first swear word?

Not really. I mean, a little? Kokumo would probably swear more than Ko just by virtue of his stronger emotionality.

10. What lie do they most frequently remember telling? Does it haunt them?

This is a hilarious question to me. Ko remembers all of his lies - the one he’s haunted by is the lie of the nightshade, even despite the resolution he found with Denise. I don’t think Kokumo has really lied yet.

11. How do they cope with confusion (seek clarification, pretend they understand, etc)?

Ko absolutely pretends to understand while doing everything in his power to actually figure it out on his own. Kokumo admits to it easily, esp given his circumstances, and he generally tries to both reason it out and work with others to resolve the confusion.

13. How do they deal with an itch found in a place they can’t quite reach?

They would both just ignore it.

14. What color do they think they look best in? Do they actually look best in that color?

Ko feels best in blues, but it looks pretty monotone on him. Silvers and grays are definitely more striking on him, as well as a deep black. Kokumo prefers the brown layered clothing of his youth, which actually looks very well on him.

15. What animal do they fear most?

I don’t think either of them fear any animal.

16. How do they speak? Is what they say usually thought of on the spot, or do they rehearse it in their mind first?

Ko’s speech is pretty measured and controlled, but he’s impulsive, which leads to him saying some wild shit. Kokumo speaks his mind, but his mind is a lot quieter than Ko’s, so he’s surprisingly a bit less talkative.

17. What makes their stomach turn?

For Ko, most other people and the mortal capacity for cruelty. For Kokumo, his own identity issues.

18. Are they easily embarrassed?

Not really, Ko can get flustered but just soldiers on, and Kokumo doesn’t really have anything to be embarrassed by.

19. What embarrasses them?

For Ko, since it’s only applicable to him - acknowledgment of his feelings or personal desires.

20. What is their favorite number?

I don’t think either has one.

21. If they were asked to explain the difference between romantic and platonic or familial love, how would they do so?

Oooh man. To be frank, I don’t have the energy to get into it, but Ko has detailed theories about the three that boil down to - romantic love incites change, desire, and faith; platonic love incites understanding, acceptance, and trust; and familial loves is the foundation and the synthesis of other loves, combined a need to protect and to care for. Kokumo would agree with Ko’s theories, but has little further understanding in the matter.

22. Why do they get up in the morning?

Ko wants to keep moving forward always. Kokumo wants to do what he has to do.

23. How does jealousy manifest itself in them (they become possessive, they become aloof, etc)?

Ko is pretty possessive, and if truly jealous, would become pretty clingy in order to get attention. Kokumo would go aloof and sulky in the hopes he’ll be sought out.

24. How does envy manifest itself in them (they take what they want, they become resentful, etc)?

Ko works to change his worldstate so that he has what he wants. Kokumo isn’t very envious, but I imagine he would try to self-actualize and understand the cause for his envy, then try to find fulfillment in the life he has.

25. Is sex something that they’re comfortable speaking about? To whom?

Nope on both accounts.

26. What are their thoughts on marriage?

Ko doesn’t like the idea of institutionalized romance. If people want each other, they will choose to be together, and if things change they should be free to leave. Kokumo sees the grounding aspect of marriage and likes the romantic notion of that stability.

27. What is their preferred mode of transportation?

I think they are both fond of traveling by carriage, bc it moves you along at a steady pace and you can sit on top or in the front in order to still be a part of the world. They also really love going walking quietly at night.

28. What causes them to feel dread?

Ko is a fairly calm person, but he also operates on plans, so when things go wrong he’ll start to feel unsettled. He’s incredibly perceptive, too, and when people around him begin to act counter to his expectations that can throw him off. Kokumo is probably similar in these situations but I’m not sure yet; he seems to be a bit more matter-of-fact when it comes to his surroundings.

29. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth?

They would both prefer to hear the truth, and tell a lie.

30. Do they usually live up to their own ideals?

Ko had a lot of character development in this area! So like, for most of his life, not at all. He was very blind to himself and to the world around him. But his main goal for most of the campaign was to reconfigure his ideals and embody them - I would say he almost began living up to them. Kokumo doesn’t really have a solid view of his own ideals, so, he’s pretty adrift in this regard.

31. Who do they most regret meeting?

Ko really regrets meeting Aengus - the influence and the manipulation he suffered from that relationship had really long-lasting effects on him. Kokumo kind of regrets meeting Hoth, though he understands that he should be grateful for it.

32. Who are they the most glad to have met?

Ko is really grateful to have met Hermione and Jean, but his relationship with S deeply changed him and his life goals, and his love for them was the greatest hope he had for his future. Kokumo.. Is honestly glad to have met himself. He feels that Ko’s inability to self-examine was a horrible way to live his life, and now Kokumo thinks he can start life over in a healthier direction.

33, Do they have a go-to story in conversation? Or a joke?

Ko picked up a conversational game, a question for a question, very early on. And that just stuck. Kokumo doesn’t have a go-to, but he also doesn’t have a lot of reservations, so casual conversation is pretty easy for him.

34. Could they be considered lazy?

I really don’t think so.

35. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt?

Pretty hard for both of them - Ko just didn’t experience it as easily or as often.

36. How do they treat the things their friends come to them excited about? Are they supportive?

I think both of them would be fairly impassive about it, unless they were genuinely very close to the person coming to them and/or they were also excited by the topic.

37. Do they actively seek romance, or do they wait for it to fall into their lap?

Ko is pretty romance-oriented, he wanted very much to experience it alongside the newness of friendship. Kokumo also has that drive, but he’s in a pretty tricky situation wherein pursuing anything would be kind of uncomfortable.

38. Do they have a system for remembering names, long lists of numbers, things that need to go in a certain order (like anagrams, putting things to melodies, etc)?

I mean.. Kind of? They both have an incredible and unforgiving memory, but they don’t have any devices they use to keep that memory fresh bc literally all of it is recorded in the journals.

39. What memory do they revisit the most often?

Hilarious. Ko often thinks about the night he lost Hermione - it informs a lot of his decisions because he sees it as his biggest mistake. And this is a big nope for Kokumo.

40. How easy is it for them to ignore flaws in other people?

For Ko, nearly impossible. He’s incredibly intolerant unless he’s devoted to someone - and then he will excuse almost anything. Kokumo is a lot more willing to, if not ignore, understand and forgive the flaws he sees in others.

41. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

Ko sees himself as pretty flawless. Even when he makes mistakes, it’s because of his circumstances, not anything wrong in and of himself. Kokumo is very hyper-oriented on his own flaws.

42. How do they feel about children?

Ko really wants to be a father. Kokumo might, but I’m not sure yet.

43. How badly do they want to reach their end goal?

Ko would have (and I guess did?) given anything to achieve his goals in some way. Kokumo still doesn’t have any real goals.

44. If someone asked them to explain their sexuality, how would they do so?

Ko would flirt. But objectively, he never regarded gender in terms of attraction - I think both of them prefer the term ‘queer’ to any direct labels though.

QUESTIONS FOR CREATORS

A) Why are you excited about this character?

I was - and I guess still am - very excited for Ko’s growth. He was amazing to watch and to understand as he began to change. Kokumo almost feels like.. A stumbling block in Ko’s narrative, to be honest. But I think he’s important to it, because I don’t think either of them is a ‘true self.’ Ko was almost entirely shaped by his experiences, specifically his traumas, and he really needed to overcome that. Kokumo is entirely shaped by his present and the core traits that define the character. I have thoughts on how to resolve these essentially constructed personas into a complex individual, but unfortunately, the current story arc is not the best in terms of facilitating those ideas.

B) What inspired you to create them?

Honestly, I wanted to play a warlock, I wanted to play an evil character, and I loved the mythos of The Man in the Moon as a patron. So I was more inspired to think of what patronage to The Man in the Moon would look like, and Ko kind of arose from that. He’s also very similar to me, moreso than any of my other pcs.

C) Did you have trouble figuring out where they fit in their own story?

I’m definitely struggling with Kokumo, which is partially due to the structure of the game right now - I don’t have much of a chance to understand how he interacts with the party, which means I don’t know some really important aspects of him. I’m also struggling a lot with his identity - is it real? It is a fugue state? How much of a “person” is he, and how much of a “person” was Ko? I think they’re both individuals, but I also think they’re two halves of a self-actualized existence.

D) Have they always had the same physical appearance, or have you had to edit how they look?

He’s looked pretty much the same from early drafts. I always knew he’d be my blue-haired anime boy, that he would be pale, and that his pact with Aengus would given him that silver eye. Even his clothing style and his build have been pretty consistent. The big visual change that happened in the story was definitely an edit, but one that I was fairly prepared for.

E) Are they someone you would get along with? Would they get along with you?

God, okay. I am obsessed with both of them. I don’t think either of them would be a particularly nice person, but I would really want to be around them anyways. I think they would both find me over-emotional but otherwise pretty alright. Although realistically they would hate me for making their backstory so fucked up.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Pride. Lots and lots of pride, for both of them. Ko came so far and Kokumo is coping extremely well. But also frustration because they’re not where I want them to be yet.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

Ko’s arrogance definitely grates on me, and Kokumo is also kind of self-righteous.

H) What trait do you admire most?

They’re both incredibly strong. And not only strong, they’re willing and wanting to adapt to their world based on what they learn about it.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

For sure. I can’t imagine either out of context.

J) Did you have to manipulate or exclude canon factors to allow them to create their character?

Yeah, kind of. The godly-cleansing-memory-wipe was entirely based in the rules of the narrative rather than dnd itself. But like. I’m chill with it.

[rheanimalsachikokassielynn]

Major Essay 2

Rheanne Harkness

Professor Timothy Greenup

English 112

28 November 2017

Aspects of the Self: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Over this last month, if there’s anything I’ve taken away from our rather in-depth class-wide examination of the concept of bildungsroman and how it forms the backbone of works like Mariko Tamaki’s “Skim”, it’s that the influence of external forces on transitional periods in young adult lives shapes everyone a little differently. However, the emotional upheaval such forces put us through often comes into conflict with our identities, calling who we are and what we stand for into question so much that it results in we ourselves needing to reestablish a more permanent sense of identity altogether. Sometimes though, this type of conflict can constitute a rift between how we carry ourselves in the public eye verses the private eye depending on the kinds of impressions we want to give off so that others may see us in a certain way. A lot of this is true for the character of Skim as it is for so many of us, she herself is trying to figure what kind of person she is to the point where there is a rift that was brought to my attention very clearly during group presentations between how Skim acts around others verses when she’s alone, yet her public and private selves always feed into each other. This got me thinking: if Skim’s goal as well as the audiences’ is to take stock of who she is based on how and why she carries herself at different times, then what is it we learn about Skim from her diary entries (the main manifestations of her private self) compared to her conversations with other characters (the main manifestations of her public self) and how do both sides serve to paint a picture of Skim’s true identity at its core?

It’s a bit ironic that the entire story of “Skim” is told from the main protagonist’s point of view mostly by way of her diary entries because most people who’ve never read it before would probably take this to mean that Skim is giving the audience a first-hand account of all the turmoil that’s befallen her life along with her reaction to it. (See for example, a broken arm has hindered Skim’s ability to write, her dad nearly died twice due to heart attacks, there’s a lack of any genuine support coming from her mother and supposed best friend, etc.) Now Skim does do this, but only on a very base level, summing up her thoughts and feelings with equal signs rather than full statements such as when she’s describing herself and her parents in the most dismissive black-and-white manner possible - “Mom says the heart attacks have turned my father into a cream puff...My dad says my mother is a cold cynical women who has no appreciation for a broken heart...My parents = serious issues...My dad signed my cast with an ugly happy face that I am scratching off. Me = serious issues” (Tamaki and Tamaki 10). From this and other snippets of her diary, whether paired down by shorthand or not, it’s easy to gather that Skim is feeling depressed, angry, even confused about all these sudden changes that’ve soaked up all the attention in her life and are putting a damper on who she is. The irony? Even though the whole point of having a diary in the first place is to be able to have something to bare your soul to without fear of being judged by anyone else for the way you think and feel, Skim writes about what she’s feeling but keeps vague as to the reasons why. It’s almost as if the character herself was aware that the diary would be published and read by millions in real life so here she is making a last-ditch effort to save face!

In all seriousness, Skim in a sense really is trying to save face through the act of ”self-censoring”, as put so eloquently by Margaret Lang in our first group presentation. Much of this can be cited in the comparatively detailed commentary Skim makes that is laced with more overtly irrational cynicism than usual - think of when the whole school is hung up over John Reddear’s death and Skim is treated by Mrs. Hornet and Julie Peters as a premature suicide statistic just by virtue of being associated with goth culture, to which she wrote this in response: “Truthfully, I am always a little depressed but that is because I am sixteen and everyone is stupid (ha-ha-ha). I doubt it has anything to do with being a goth” (Tamaki and Tamaki 22). Additionally, there are many times throughout the story when Skim writes a complete thought that would give everyone, including herself, some proper insight as to why she feels the way she does if it wasn’t, say, followed by a question mark or delayed with an ellipsis: “Things That Make Me Sad - Love. Things That Make Me Happy - “Love?” (Tamaki and Tamaki 67). Perhaps most striking though, are the thoughts that Skim crosses out (as Luke Langton called particular attention to in the second group presentation) and sometimes replaces with other deliberately less direct comments which at best reveal half-truths in place of whole truths: “I didn’t know what to write. Because...I’m not sure. I didn’t know what other people would think about my answer. It’s a stupid question” (Tamaki and Tamaki 61).

All the above examples to me suggest that Skim not only has trouble being honest with herself, but is also afraid of offering any outright explanations as to why she’s been so depressed, even in her diary. This is because doing so might make her appear too vulnerable on top of already being unsure of who she is as an individual. Consider Skim’s pentacle, a doodle of a star that shows up quite a few times throughout the book. We see it drawn twice on Skim’s list of things that she still needs for her altar, Skim paints a tiny star on her face (but washes it off) right before the Wiccan AA meeting, there’s even a pentacle drawn on Skim’s cast. We find out towards the end of the story through a conversation Skim has with Katie Matthews that the pentacle is meant to protect her from “everything” but “It’s mostly just symbolic” (Tamaki and Tamaki 109). I think the pentacle has held more significance to Skim than she’s actually letting on at this point. It’s shown up enough times that I can’t help but deduce it is meant to be a safeguard, a way for Skim to protect herself against obstacles she’s having a hard time overcoming or things she’s feeling uneasy about (like a casted right arm and the strange Wiccan meeting). This is especially important because up until the end of the book, anything having to do with Wicca, as the star does, is a huge part of the new identity we see Skim trying to forge for herself. It’s only after Skim talks to Katie about it and later signs her cast with a pentacle “for good luck” does the star take on a meaning for Skim that really is just symbolic and nothing more, since by then, Skim has grown confident enough in herself that she no longer needs Wicca or the star doodles to feel validated.

But while we’re on the topic of conversation, I notice a correlation between the most positive and negative interactions Skim has with other characters at the beginning of the book and the diary entries that are written about them after the fact. When Skim tries to speak her mind towards her “friend” Lisa, she is often shut down and insulted for it. In those situations, the best thing Skim can do to vent her frustration is insult Lisa back. Not surprisingly, these scenes in themselves tend to make it even more clear as to why Skim feels so dejected whenever she’s with Lisa than the diary entries do. The ramifications of such a relationship where Skim is almost never allowed to get a word in edgewise (and when she does, Lisa verbally abuses her for it) center around a lack of confidence Skim has in her ability to channel her thoughts towards other people and herself simply due to the fact that Lisa has never given Skim the option to do otherwise. However, Skim’s first meaningful conversation with Ms. Archer really puts things into perspective for the audience, as not only is she the first character in the story to let Skim speak freely without any fear of a hostile response, but she also asks why the students call the central protagonist “Skim” when her real name is “Kim”, to which the latter answers: “Because I’m not” (Tamaki and Tamaki 27). This little exchange here conveys by far the most important thing we ever learn about Skim as a person throughout the entire story - she does not think of herself as a light or superficial individual, (as two separate dictionary definitions of the term seem to allude). I dare say, that serves to make her nickname quite a contradiction to what I would claim the character of Skim is really like in spite of the confidence lapse she has to wrestle with for so long in public and private!

Yes, Skim most certainly is quite the introspective and layered character. Thus the climactic pay-off of when she is finally able to express herself, (effectively giving the GCL members a piece of her mind in defense of Katie and John Reddear without any care as to what will come of it afterwards) is made so much sweeter. Though please do not take this to mean there’s a great discrepancy between the Skim we get to know while writing diary entries and the Skim we get to know while interacting with others. Skim’s fear of appearing weak in the eyes of herself and of those around her was always present until we saw her get past that fear at the end of the story by standing her ground against unfair treatment instead of just blowing it off in the first respect, and by slowly becoming a lot more truthful and censoring less as she writes in the second respect. Neither of these public and private sides of Skim are any more in line with who she truly is by themselves because, to put it simply, you can’t fully understand one side without the other.

Works Cited

Lang, Margaret, et al. "Skim: A Social Commentary." English 112 Group Presentations, 16 November, Spokane Falls Community College, Spokane, WA. Student Presentation.

Langton, Luke, et al. “Skim.” English 112 Group Presentations, 16 November, Spokane Falls Community College, Spokane, WA. Student Presentation.

Tamaki, Mariko, and Jillian Tamaki. Skim. Groundwood Books, 2008.