#italicized quotes are from the movie the bad seed

[desolationblvd]

MY GRANDMOTHER AND I WATCH THE BAD SEED

It's that awful place and that evil woman. My mother.

My sisters are beautiful and I am plain. Where did you get that one? Where did you get that one? Où as-tu trouvé celui-là? The nuns don’t like me they force things down my throat, words and flies, they strike me. Here comes the Mother Superior that’s what she thinks of herself and I hate her I hate her I hate her. You stole that-, and when she goes to strike me I throw up my hands I do not let her touch me I tell her the Pope is a criminal. She is furious she hates me but I hate her more. I have one friend we go to California I become a nurse she smokes every evening and I smoke like a chimney. I meet men I meet millionaires they want to marry me they slip through my fingers. I meet a man I get married we move across the ocean we have a daughter we move back. We have a son we have a daughter we have two more daughters we have five children and all of them are Catholic. I do not let them lift a hand I do not let them clean I do not let them cook I do not speak to them in my language they are my all-American darlings. I quit smoking. I think that I hate Catholics. My oldest daughter wants to do laundry and I cannot explain to her why she is not allowed my son is a boy just like all boys are my second daughter is quiet and shy and I cannot figure out why: I go upstairs in the night I drown her in cold water like a murder like a baptism. My third daughter is too smart for her own good and my fourth is a demon. My children are marionettes they spit on her when I say so and tears stream down their faces I know what I need to do or they won’t turn out right. Lucifer my youngest hates me wants to kill me I cannot throw her out. I watch them on the patio they skate circles around the little radio they dance they fall they scrape their knees. I wonder if I’ve done good.

I can hear my mother's voice…calling to me from the distance, and I don't answer her because I'm afraid.

I meet a man I’m wearing my glasses and my plaid skirt I ask him for a cigarette we get married. I’m late to our wedding it’s raining I’m beautiful I know I’m beautiful he’s happy I’m laughing someone takes a picture of me laughing. We have a daughter we go to my mother’s house we live in my sister’s old bedroom. We get an apartment my father lived there years ago we don’t know about that until later maybe it’s fate we have a son and we give him his father’s name his grandfather’s name his great-grandfather’s name. My daughter is shy it makes sense I was shy she doesn’t talk to people her own age she lives in her own world. She asks about death I say there’s nothing I say we don’t know I say nobody has come back to tell us about it yet I say people who kill themselves will not get into Heaven. She doesn’t like change. Mom I want to live with you for ever and ever.

Oh, I've got the prettiest mother. I've got the nicest mother. That's what I tell everybody. I say I've got the sweetest mother in the world. My son is sickly my son has stomachaches like my daughter did neither of them are athletic my daughter is shy and my son is sickly I worry it came from me. My daughter won’t sing but I hear her singing in her room I tell her it sounds nice and after that I don’t hear her sing anymore. Her friends make her hate me I ask what her problem is she thinks that I’ve wronged her resents me. She doesn’t want to be like me I ask her questions I say why don’t you shave your legs why do you dress like that I worry that she’s a dyke. She wants to die I wonder if I should let her die I think she’s secretly a cutter I make her take off her shirt she never forgives me. She’s stubborn she won’t talk to me I find pills in her room I find alcohol I wonder if I should let her die I remember people who kill themselves don’t go to heaven my husband yells at me because I’ve hurt him. My son is dyslexic he’s antisocial he’s picked up all my daughter’s bad habits there’s hope for him but I don’t know where to find it. It’s worse than I thought my daughter’s a dyke she wants to cut off her tits fuck my entire life I don’t know what I did to make her like this she’s moving too far away for me to reach her I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this.

So sleep well…and dream well, my only child and the one I love. I shall sleep too.