#its MY tumblr blog and Ill ramble about dumb shit if I want to

[jo-does-things]

I officially play to many fighting games because now I watch cartoons/shows where people fight hordes of enemies with traditional weapons and all i can think is  ‘Why does no one have an AOE attack??????’

Like I want to know what they expected to happen when they went to Bug Planet home of Bugs without anything to effectively deal with the inevitable Bug Swarms. 

[dogs-in-a-trenchcoat]

I hate putting things under a read more cuz my abuser used to do it to fuck with me (like just put one or two lines under a read more anytime he’d speak whether it was good or bad so you didn’t know what to expect going in) but also it ended up really really long lmao and its pretty dumb anyway, so it’s probably best to do it even though I feel weird seeing the “keep reading” bar anymore.

so like disclaimer for anyone going in blind (like without reading my also very long rambling in the tags) I’m rambling about bad mental health shit and how shitty things make me feel and how idk what to do with myself ever

The internet (especially tumblr and more recently pinterest, which has seen an influx of literally all the screenshotted discourse I've been able to avoid on tumblr, both of which which so happen to also be pretty much the only websites with content that interests me) is so, so bad for my mental health. And I want to do something about that (like making this blog and only following friends, no matter how much I may want to follow others, has already been helpful but at this point its not really enough anymore)

But also before smartphones what I did with this time I've been spending on these websites was stare at the roof, or try to memorize the texture of my wall, or dissociate into a corner and/or try to pretend I was somewhere else because corners are non descript and if you stare hard enough you can make out like a horizon with snow or a hotel room you once stayed in back when you were less fucked up

So like that time now being preoccupied with equal measure extremely distressing discourse arguments in my head about my validity as a human being vs being able to see pretty art or interesting takes on a show I like or some cool interior design, etc. Basically it sort of feels impossible to go back to just empty staring when I have the option to preoccupy myself with something (like the study that was done that showed humans would literally rather painfully shock themselves when left bored and alone than sit doing nothing) even when that something can hurt.

And idk if that would qualify as an addiction, or literally just the most basic human nature. But either way I'm not sure what I can do to find something healthier but equally easy to preoccupy myself with, because my mental illnesses/chronic pain/executive dysfunction etc make doing anything else feel impossible.

Like I used to do youtube and podcasts but I've watched every single YouTube video posted to the channels that interest me (when I was working, for 2 years I'd have to find 40-60 hours a week of content, and for another year before that I had about 28 hours a week of content to find - so you can go through even a 2 year long backlog of extra long livestreams pretty quickly that way, since nobody interesting livestreams 10 hours a day 5 days a week.) and have trouble finding new channels cuz I'm like... morally opposed (lol) to clicking on clickbait. And with podcasts (cuz I still haven't finished the adventure zone cuz that was the most recent thing I found to watch before I had to quit working, and nightvale has probably uploaded 3 new episodes since I left?) I end up not being able to focus if I don't have something to multi-task with, which at that point takes too much effort to replace browsing online.

So now that I've pretty much watched all of YouTube (I'm exaggerating but I have standards and I'm not gonna watch like cringe culture teardowns of 12 year olds done by like 28-40 year old fuckwits or 2 hour videos telling me to stop enjoying TV shows I like, and I'm not exactly interested in prank videos) I can't even fall back on that, especially as good content just keeps dwindling as I keep growing out of more and more of the channels I used to be able to watch.

Anyway if anyone read all that I'm sorry lol, but also congrats?

[chickenfetus]

HI!!! i like to request ALL of the flowery asks! btw i LOVE ur blog and maybe u????? idk 🌸🌸 (jk i love u alot)

who is this????????/ under cut bc i get rambly 

azalea: what’s one word that describes you?

lame lmao

baby’s breath: what did you want to be when you were a kid?

honestly? my answer’s like yours jen because i wanted to be an astronaut but also a vet and then a few years later i wanted to be something else of a whole different profession but now i know what reality is like and i have no clue what i wanna be whoops

begonia: are you a messy or clean person?

i hate seeing my desk/workspace be messy but i cant bring myself to clean it up either???? bc im lazy 

bleeding heart: has your heart ever been broken?

hMMMMm mmm idk i dont think so

bluebell: do you drink tea or coffee?

i drink tea more than i drink coffee but i drink water more than i drink tea i drink water like. everyday lmao obviously but i drink a lot of water its my brand now

buttercup: what are five things that make you apologetically happy?

what does this mean why is the word apologetically there i cancelled it lmao no negativity in this house

my favorite people (u know who + my friends)

when people answer my anon asks and . they respond with a long reply/seem really happy responding thats my fav fam

this is getting real anime but when i get an UR/4* from scouting 

finding an anime/manga/book that perfectly suits my taste

im very tempted to just say water bc idk what else 2 say 

calla: what’s your favorite book?

ive only read 3 whole books this year but i recommend all of them 

challenger deep - neal shusterman (i could go on about this book for days honestly its so interesting and even though its told by the same person it has two kind of perspectives because there are two settings, that didnt make sense but this book is my new favorite)

see you in the cosmos - jack cheng (i love this one too because its just so warm? made me a little emo but its really good and i love how unique it is, text type wise)

a monster calls - patrick ness (this was something i heard from my school first so i didnt know if i really wanted to get it but its actually pretty good?) 

carnation: what are your five most played songs?

i cant really check using the music app bc i added the songs at different timings so itll be inaccurate ill just do most played song from each band/group

again - astro (this is their best song dont @ me)

letting go - day6

all in/stuck - monsta x

death by a strawberry - dance gavin dance

check yes juliet - we the kings

chrysanthemum: what are you afraid of?

i may not b a child but im still afraid of the dark bc my imagination is wild im also afraid of bugs and disappointing others nice oh shit im also afraid of asking for things

daffodil: what’s your astrological sign?

capricorn 

dahlia: what’s your favorite band?

this question was made for me its day6

daisy: which ‘friends’ character do you relate to the most?

ive never watched friends 

dandelion: are you an extrovert or an introvert?

in between!!!!!

geranium: how has your day been?

its been good!!! i managed to ask my mum 2 take me to hair place so i can get it cut finally and im working on updating my tumblr pages and doing all my tags

hydrangea: what’s your dream job?

pass

iris: who’s your celebrity crush?

pass

lavender: what’s one of the best gifts you’ve ever received?

oH FUCK FAM my friends got me a kermit toy for my birthday i lvoe it 2 dEATH

lily: what’s something you’ve achieved that you’re really proud of?

i got first in my class once wow amazing that was 2 years ago i wish i was as good as the me from 2 years ago 

marigold: what would you like to do more of, but don’t ?

well i want 2 b more hardworking but guess thats too late

morning glory: are you an early bird or a night owl?

now that school is over and i have no reason to wake up early ive become neither which is saddening because... i like waking up at 7am on weekends and doing things early but now i wake up at like 9-10am and i still sleep at 11pm  

orchid: what’s the last movie you saw?

i really dont remember?? maybe uh guardians of the galaxy?? i dont remember who i watched it with and when but it was good actually i remember who i watched it with nvm 

pansy: do you believe in love at first sight?

i dont really believe in romantic love anymore 

peony: what does your url mean?

chicken fetus means an egg

periwinkle: what are you thankful for?

god get ready folks im gonna go on my biggest boxy rant ever...

so boxy is my friend who ive been mutuals for over a year and our first common interest is love live and haikyuu so we had that to talk about but im bad at keeping conversations with ppl on tumblr so that ended quickly but earlier this year or late last year i made a twitter and told people on here about it and she followed me and i didnt really mind/pay attention to the stuff she posted/rted uNTIL. until that fateful day... june 25th... at like 8pm? she rted a pic of mister brian kang with dumb minion glasses on and ok maybe i do believe in love at first sight? bc wow!!!!! whos this dumbass with minion glasses and the fluffiest hair ??? so i slide into boxy’s dm.. expecting an explanation and she gives me a good one saying how brians from a band (i would later find out), day6 and im not a fan of kpop, never have been.. ive only watched like some kpop mvs bc i love my friends so i expect myself to listen to them and get over them as soon as im done. boxy my friend, bless HER she sends me all of their mvs from congratulations to i smile and i watch the first one - i smile and me? i start smiling and i can feel myself getting excited because holy fuck theyre a band! they play fucking instruments??? and at this point im already whipped then i move onto how can i say and that shit blew my mind let me tell you.. so because of boxy... i get to where i am now, proudly stanning 3 groups and if it were not for her i wouldve never gotten into mx as well... boxy is just?? really important to me her impact is just that great?? so im super!! sUPER thankful for her and i dont think she’ll ever see this but boxy i love u thank u so much!! boxy gave me more than one reason to live, and not just exist?? without her i wouldve never been able to make so many (like 2 but hEY) new friends and this probably got so long idk im just really thankful for boxy thank u lord for blessing us with boxy (@/youngkwhom on twitter) (kittenma on tumblr) i hope shes happy forever and i also hope she has good days for the rest of her life?? boxy deserves it i lvoe u boxy

petunia: where were you ten years ago?

10 years ago i was like 6 probably watching pokemon or some shit and getting glasses

poinsettia: where would you like to be in ten years?

dead thanks

poppy: what’s your online persona?

i dont understad the meaning of persona but an egg?????? 

rose: who’s the last person you spent quality time with?

all my classmates in an exam hall for 2 hours, quality time indeed

snapdragon: what are your goals?

pass

sunflower: what’s your favorite quote?

i think i had one before but i forgot so maybe it wasnt my favourite lol idk i dont have one now

tulip: if you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

for all of my favourite people to be happy forever

a good future

i want astro, mx and day6 to get an award for all of their hardwork thanks

violet: what’s one thing most people don’t know about you?

i was gonna say smth negative but lets not hm m m i? ?? ill put smth irl ppl probably dont know either uh hhh i guess?? that i eat a lot?? but also get full really quickly but then really hungry right after that idk thanks digestion

zinnia: do you believe in magic?

no ????/ idk is there any evidence that magic exists 

JEN !!! thank u so much for asking even tho u probably asked just to get back at me but this was still fun ask memes will never get boring bro,. i love u and i hope u have a good evening also i love ur blog too moon anon probably already told u

to anyone who actually bothered reading through this mess - thank you and i hope you have a good day/night too!!