#its already 6AM here and i have to wake up before lunch LOL

[temeyes]

g'morning!! i'm off to bed now

[dearmrsawyer]

well IT WAS A YEAR. it was also emotionally two weeks and five years? lol. its been a lot, but there were some real positives from this year that i wanna reflect on just because! they’re nice to think about!!

i’d love to know if any of you have any positive things from your year that you’d like to reflect on. accepting asks where we can celebrate your little wins too :)

in general i’m just quite proud of myself for how i’ve managed the library this year, given that its just me. its been hard feeling more disconnected from our students, and also trying to provide them with support that can reach across the void created by distance learning. it wasn’t 100% successful all the time! but it can’t be, and i never aimed for that. i just did everything that i felt i could reasonably do as a single individual, and i think i did my best! i spent a lot of this year driving out to post books to our students, or meeting them at convenient locations to do book swaps, and i’ve spent a lot of time coaching academics through online systems over zoom so that they could effectively teach their subjects, and i’ve spent a lot of nights and weekends prepping materials that needed to be made available to students ahead of class, because our academic staff weren’t able to finish them while i was still on the clock (i’m def not trying to @ our academics here! they’ve been delivering material late all year bc of how much extra work they’ve had to take on too! its just the roll on effect bc i’m the last link in the chain). i’ve felt a huge sense of camaraderie with many of my colleagues this year, and am grateful i had them to make this work year more manageable. but i know i’ve been doing a lot of hidden work and i think i did well :)

oh man i loved turning off my wake up alarm in march and never turning it on again!!!! I think i can count the number of times i’ve had to use my alarm on one hand, and they were mostly dr appointments. it feels so comfortable to wake up when my body decides, whether its 6am or after i should already be working LOL. there have definitely been ebbs and flows to how well i’ve slept throughout the year, sometimes i know exactly what’s affecting my sleep and sometimes i have no idea, but regardless, the absence of an impending alarm has been such a nice way to compensate for.. everything else lol

i started growing vegetables!!!!!! I spent a week in March digging out a patch of my yard, and then the next month or two growing seedlings, and i successfully grew snow peas, silverbeet, beetroot and lettuce :D i also added dill to my herb garden, and successfully propagated thyme and lemongrass! i did attempt a few other vegetables that didn’t pan out, mostly because snails kept eating my seedlings jkjdgkj but it was so exciting to successfully grow something that i could then EAT! and i’ve also been able to figure out which vegetables i consider more convenient to grow, for example buying leafy greens can be super inconvenient bc i find its often impossible to use them all before they go bad. they sell greens in such ridiculously large bunches! but growing them myself, i can go out and pick however many leaves i want, and the rest won’t go bad because they’re still on the plant! i also started to stagger how many seeds i wanted to grow which meant they weren’t all maturing at the same time, and i didn’t need to use them all at the same time. 

Supernatural finished this year which was NOT a highlight 😭 but it was originally scheduled to finish in May, and i was given the gift of 6 whole extra months to live with this show as a work in progress. as much as i still wasn’t ready to say goodbye in November (would i have ever been ready), i was given so much unexpected extra time to appreciate being IN it while it was still going. i spent so much of this year reflecting on how big a part of my life this show has been, and how much its given me and shaped me. from the ages of 14 to 29 i was able to live with this show as a close friend, and i’ve never taken that for granted, but i am so thankful for the extra time i was given to reflect and appreciate it even more deeply. also supplementary highlight is how much that ending meant to me <3 the world can think whatever it wants but i was on that journey for 15 years, i was there for every episode, never falling behind or taking a break, and that ending honoured the story i watched, and i am very grateful that the pain of it ending was cushioned by the sense of peace and fulfilment that ending gave me. 

i finally found hair products that WORK!!!!! i’ve had the same hair routine for like a decade (basically sans products) and i thought i should use this extended period of time where i exist unobserved to experiment. i’ve never really bought hair products for myself, i’ve always inherited them from my mum bc she always had a surplus of products she’s collected over the years. our hair couldn’t be more different so i’ve never experienced a product that was particularly effective LOL. i have v dry hair that’s naturally curly/wavy but extremely frizzy, and i have soo much of it!! so many hairs on my head! my mission was to find a way to let it dry naturally without all that frizz popping up, and without having to dry it in two big twists. the only products directed at curly hair that i’ve ever been aware of is mousse, which used to give people that crunchy look that i can’t staaaaaand but i’ve spent a few months buying quite a lot of products and testing them out one after another, and i’ve found a couple that i absolutely LOVE!! this is big for me bc i always structured my week around when i wash my hair (the day of and day after i’m unavailable lol). i’ll still have to structure my time around it somewhat bc it takes so so long to dry, but its going to be less of a drama if i have to do things when its not completely dry yet, and also i just feel like i’m finally getting to let my hair do its own thing without it stabbing me in the back 😂

i think that human connection has probably been more important this year than ever before, and i’ve often felt like maintaining connections requires energy i just haven’t had for a lot of this year. but i also feel like i have been very connected? i feel like i put in the work. my best friend and i shared a few phone calls this year even though neither of us have ever really been big on phone calls (neither of us have ever talked with people on the phone much in our lives lol). i’ve skyped with my Norwegian friend Ellen almost every month this year!! my friend Bel and i started exchanging sporadic voice messages again, which i’ve just loved. i’ve video chatted with Steph even though it was a scary new venture! and it was so amazing! i do feel like i’ve had less interaction with people on my dash this year, but i feel like working from home has changed the ebbs and flows of my energy throughout the day sooo much, and i just haven’t been online as much when other people are, but i’ve spent a lot of time connecting with people over whatsapp! when it comes to family, being around my grandparents was really really stressful for the first half of the year, but as the situation in Australia eased we relaxed enough that we were comfortable to spend time with them without our masks (plus we weren’t seeing anyone else lol). and i was able to make myself available to them more often while working from home, since i live only a minute away! we stopped having our big family lunches until September, and when we were finally able to get back together we enjoyed each other’s company so much. so while i haven’t been face to face with people on a daily basis, i don’t think i’m any less connected to the people that matter than i was a year ago.

[paintedimagining]

Rules: Complete the questions and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you’re finished, tag people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!

Tagged by adorable @i-own-loki

1. Are you named after someone?  Yes! I am named after Emma Hamilton, Lord Nelson's mistress....yeah sounds a bit kinda dodgy,  but bear with me lol Emma was from Ness on The Wirral where I am from so she's a local lass! And to be technical, my mum was watching a repeat of the old b/w movie 'That Hamilton Women' with Vivien Leigh (her favourite actress) as Emma when she was in hospital and pregnant with me when she suddenly and unexpectedly when into early labour 3 weeks before due date so was rushed into theatre.  So I guess it was meant to be.

2. When was the last time you cried?  Friday 

3. Do you like your handwriting?  You know kinda do, when I take the time to do it properly otherwise it tends to look like a drunken spiders crawled all over the page; but arthritis in my dominant hand is making my handwriting even more rubbish

4. What is your favorite lunch meal? Not really sure as I have some ongoing issues with food, but I do love a nice soup! And a nice salad, or lentils and that kinda thing- something light for lunch. And I’m a total glutton for olives or stuffed vine leaves ooooomg 

5. Do you have kids? Nope.  Unless you count my pets lol

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?  Lol what sort of question is that is ask something who hates themselves?

7. Do you use sarcasm?  I've a PHD in sarcasm

8. Do you still have your tonsils?  Yes

9. Would you bungee jump?  Yes! I love anything outdoorsy.

10. What is your favorite kind of cereal?  Gawd I haven't eaten cereal in years, but I guess plain old cornflakes or...OH golden grahams I just remembered existed lol or muesli....wait, does muesli count as a cereal?

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?  Nope ooops 

12. Do you think you’re a strong person?  Yes.  Except, I never thought so until recently when another remarked about how much I have gone through and endured and put up with and had to do and survived and still am, yet still here I am.

13. What is your favorite ice cream?  oooo man....erm rum & raisin I guess is my go to, but I also love pistachio

14. What is the first thing you notice about people?  Oh that's tricky...their eyes?  

15. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? You are asking me to name just ONE? Let's not open that can of triggering worms as I hate everything LOL

16. What color pants and shoes are you wearing now?  Blue and not wearing shoes because I’m a rebel lol

17. What are you listening to right now?  That bloody wood pigeon that wakes me up at 6am every morning grrr except now he has seagull backing singers lol

18. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?  Blue

19. Favorite smell?  Old books, lavender, real fire, freshly baked bread and treats, wet pavements, heather

20. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?  My ISP to sort the crappiness of the connection out and the constant scam calls claiming to be from them- I’m getting them sometimes up to 7x a bloody day!

21. Favorite sport to watch?  Rugby, dancing, watersports or survival/endurance sports

22. Hair color?  Brown.  Though my mam is a red-head and in the summer my hair goes sooooo coppery.

23. Eye color?  Hazel brown

24. Do you wear contacts?  Nope, just glasses for now when I need them, but considering contacts

25. Favorite food to eat?  Oh erm anything really but its tricky question for me. I love so many and diverse things from olives to miso soup. But, even if I do say so myself I make a mean sunday roast, so maybe that, or good old fashion fish 'n' chips- and cheese 

26. Scary movies or comedy?  Both? But maybe more comedy

27. Last movie you watched? Third Star 

28. What color of shirt are you wearing?  White

29. Summer or winter?  Autumn and Spring LOL alright....winter

30. Hugs or kisses?  Both and would like more please because I'm not getting nearly enough of either, in fact none at all rn and I hate it, so if anyone is offering...

31. What book are you currently reading?  Outlander

32. Who do you miss right now?  My friends but I doubt anyone misses me, and the carefree girl I use to be

33. What is on your mouse pad?  Don't have one

34. What is the last TV program you watched?  She-Wolves: England's Early Queens on BBC 4, on Isabella and Margaret of Anjou this week. I've seen the series before but still it's fascinating

35. What is the best sound?  Rain on the window? Oh, or the rolling waves breaking on rocks

36. Rolling Stones or The Beatles?  Dude, I'm from Merseyside- if I didn't say The Beatles I'd be excommunicated lol But yeah I do genuinely love The Beatles (kinda hard not to being from here) but also love the Rolling Stones 

37. What is the furthest you have ever traveled?  Wait from where I live?  Erm, Rüthen in Germany

38. Do you have a special talent?  Erm...I can paint, and I am/was a soprano singer- do they count? 

39. Where were you born?  The Wirral, England

I mean I'm sure most have already been tagged in this so I appoligise if I tag you again, but my darlings @hacash @neon-green-bra @@mototwinkclub @cmorgana @silvertyger @iamsundayschild and anyone else that wants to join in!

[areswriting]

a x e : xxxvii

I blink away sleep, confusion and bad decisions as I curl my body into Elise. She is comfort I didn’t know I needed until now.

“What time is it?” I say, burying my face in her hair.  

“A little after two,” she yawns.

“Mm, did you have to tuck him into bed and read him a bedtime story, too?”

“Abram.”

“Elise.”

“He’s my friend. There’s no need to be so jealous.”

“I’m not jealous,” I laugh.

“Seems like you are to me,” she says. “You did punch him.”

“You’re in my bed,” I say against her ear. “What is there to be jealous of?”

“I’m only here because your apartment is closer than mine.”

“You’re a bad liar,” I say, moving my body over hers. I hear her breath catch as she lets me settle on top of her, knees and legs wrapping around my hips. “You and I both know why you’re here instead of at home.”

“Because my apartment—”

I silence her with a kiss.

△ △ △

( text messages—Brody, 5:04 AM )

You wanna hang out later?

Yeah. Lunch?

Wtf are you doing up so early?

6am practice.

On a Sunday???

Dude the NHL is crazy…

What are you doing up? You sleep until noon.

Elise…

Again???/

Three times.

This week?

This morning… lol.

N*ce.

My fingers stop moving mid-reply and I look up at the door that slowly opens. The dark figure that slips through the crack is too small to be threatening, and when I sit up straighter, its face is illuminated.

“Ellie?”

She gasps and jumps back against the wall, hand over heart. “Tits on a cracker, Abram. Don’t you sleep?”

“Are you crying?” I say. I stand and flip on an overhead light. Her smeared makeup and quivering lip answers for her. “What’s wrong?”

She winces and turns her head. “I’m fine.”

“Did that old man do something to you?” I say, grabbing her shoulders.

“I said I’m fine,” she says, shrugging herself out of my grasp.

“Obviously you’re not,” I say, stepping in front of her. “Tell me what he did—I’ll go beat his door down right now.”

“God, Abram, stop,” shouts Ellie. “Just shut up, ok? Not everything is your business to know.”

My eyebrows crease and I’m not sure if I’m hurt or angry. “You’re my best friend, and you know all of my business.”

Her chest deflates and her face contorts into an ugly cry. “I don’t want to talk about it, ok?”

When I try to hug her, she pushes me away.

“I just want to go to sleep,” she says.

I nod. “Elise is here, if you need her when you wake up.”

Ellie nods back at me. “Tell her to wake me up.”

△ △ △

“When we agreed on lunch, I thought we were going for wings at Hooters,” says Brody, “I didn’t even shower.”

“You do look pretty haggard,” I say. “But I don’t think a shower can wash that off.”

“Have you seen yourself lately?” laughs Brody, pulling his hat down further. “The bags under your eyes are almost hanging out of your sunglasses and you smell like sweat and regret.”

“You should have smelled me before I showered,” I say, sticking two fingers under Brody’s nose. “I smelled like Elise.”

“I hate you,” he says, swatting my hand away from his face. “Why are you taking me to lunch with your grandmother anyway?”

“Gigi asked for you to come,” I say, shrugging.

“Do you think she wants to go Hunting?”

I stop short and look at him. “Dude, never say anything like that again.”

“That was pretty douchey,” he laughs. “Sorry.”

The hostess at The Polo Lounge takes Brody and I to a table where Gigi sits with an older man whose suit looks like it costs more than my college tuition. She greets us both with a kiss on the cheek and introduces us to Charles—her attorney.

“Don’t look so alarmed, dear,” says Gigi with a grin, motioning for Brody and I to sit down. “I only wish to discuss my assets at the time of my death.”

I fall onto the chair and latch onto the table with a white knuckle grip—at the time of my death knocking the breath out of me.

“Sweetheart, I’m perfectly fine,” she says, putting her hand over mine and squeezing it.

“Mrs. Rose wants to have her affairs in order, so when the time comes—”

“I think he gets it,” says Brody. “Right, Abram?”

I nod slowly and unclench my fingers.

“I wanted all of my grandchildren here for this discussion,” says Gigi, “but unfortunately that is impossible.”

“We’ll make do,” says Charles. He smiles so wide that his eyes disappear behind wrinkles. I know all he sees are dollar signs—how much money he will rack up meeting with each of my siblings individually. “The first matter of business—Rose Publishing.”

“Abram,” says Gigi. “Do you have any interest in running the company some day?”

“No,” I say, firmly shaking my head.

“I didn’t think so,” she beams. “To be transparent, I plan to leave the company to Sienna. If she wants it, of course. Is that fair to you?”

“I don’t want it,” I say. “I know it’s your empire, but I don’t care what happens to it after you’re gone, Gigi. I don’t understand why I need to be here for this. I really don’t want to hear about any of this.”

“I know this is difficult to talk about with such nonchalance,” says Charles, “But this is important, this stops any family disputes after—”

“—can you shut up?” I snap. I lean forward and look from Charles to Gigi. “I don’t want to do this.”

She gives me a sad smile. “I understand. Charles, can we skip to the inheritance?”

Brody and I share a look while Charles rummages through his briefcase. He produces a stack of papers and slides the first sheet across the table.

Hesitantly, I pick it up, Brody leaning over my shoulder to see what it says.

“Holy shit,” he says loudly. “I’m sorry—that’s a lot.”

I place the paper on the table and slide it back to Charles, shaking my head.

“I think it’s rather generous,” he says. “That’s an eight figure inheritance.”

“That isn’t why he’s shaking his head,” says Gigi with a sigh. “Abram, please sign it. It will ease both of our minds knowing this is done and behind us.”

“I’m not taking your money,” I say, biting back money can’t replace you—it didn’t replace my mom.

“You are my blood,” says Gigi sternly. “I may have missed the first seventeen years of your life, but you can’t stop me from being here for the rest of it, even after I’m gone. You will sign this paper and accept your inheritance or I will leave everything to you, company included.”

“I’ll just give it all away!” I argue.

“That isn’t how that works, Sir,” says Charles. “You—”

“Charles, please,” Gigi says. She takes in a deep breath and folds her hands. “Abram, I know you don’t care about money—but if you care about me, you’ll accept the last thing I can give you.”

△ △ △

“Since when do you drink tequila?”

“Since Ellie showed me the light,” I say, slamming my fifth shot glass onto the table.

Brody is still nursing his second beer, and even in my inebriated state, I notice the way her name goes over him.

“I’m sorry—I shouldn’t mention her,” I say. “Truly, you two breaking up still doesn’t feel real.”

After taking a sip of beer, he shakes his head. “It’s ok, I know she’s your friend, too. And tell me about it—some days it doesn’t seem real to me either.”

“I think she’s moving on,” I say. “Well—she’s sleeping with someone new, I know that much. She came home this morning crying, though…Bartender—can I get another?”

“Are you sure you need another?” says Brody. “Your lips are already loose.”

“Shit,” I say. “Sorry, I’m just used to it being the three of us, you know? I miss it. A lot.”

“Did she say why she was crying?” asks Brody.

I take the shot and shake my head. “She wouldn’t tell me what happened, but she probably told

Elise.” I roll my eyes. “They’re BFFs now.”

“Are you jealous?”  

“No,” I say. “It’s just annoying. They have this like, secret squirrel thing going on, and I mean not to be that person, but I knew both of them first. At least I know I have you.”

△ △ △

“Abram—move.”

“I am moving.”

“Stand up!”

“I am standing!”

“Oh, dear God,” says Brody.

I barely feel my body being lifted, and the only reason I know I’m hanging over Brody’s shoulder is the view I have of his ass. I grab hold of it and squeeze.

“Goddammit, Abram stop.”

“I thought you were my boyfriend,” I say. “I feel dizzy.”

There are several loud thuds followed by Brody shouting, “Open the door!”

“Brody—what are you—is that Abram? Whose blood is that?”

“Not his,” says Brody.

“Elise!” shouts Ellie.

My body jostles—I go from Brody’s shoulder, to my feet, to the floor.

“Mon Dieu, Abram,” says Elise. I squint my eyes until I only see two of her kneeling in front of me. “What happened?”

“Tequila happened,” says Brody. “He got into a fist fight with a guy in a Duck’s jersey.”

“He had it coming!” I say, trying to stand with Elise’s help, but failing. “I’ll go beat his ass again—take me to him! But I might need to throw up first.”

“Why did you let him drink that much, Brody?” shouts Ellie.

“You’re seriously blaming me?” Brody shouts back at her. “You’re the one who got him to drink that devil water in the first place.”

“You can’t possibly be saying this is my fault!”

“Guys!” shouts Elise. “Can you save it for later and maybe have hate sex after we do something with him? He can’t even stand up!”

“He needs a cold shower and food,” says Brody. “He hasn’t eaten anything, I’ve been with him all day.”

I hear Elise, Ellie and Brody, but I can’t see them, or anything really. I feel my clothes being ripped from my body and a chill creep up my spine.

“You never told me he had all of that,” says Ellie.

“You never asked,” Elise replies.

“I mean, he’s in ice cold water, and still—”

“Shh.”

“When is the last time you went to something other than a liquor store,” says Brody.

“Since when is that any of your business?” Ellie snaps.

“Just give me the damn bread,” says Elise. “Abram, you need to eat.”

I open one eye and try to focus it on her. “I’m full.”

“Of alcohol and bad decisions,” she says, shoving a piece of breath into my mouth. “Chew and swallow.”

“Why should I swallow when you never do?” I say, cackling. “Sick burn.”

“No burn, just sick,” says Ellie. “Why did you drink so much? It’s not even four in the afternoon.”

“Gigi made me sign her will,” I say, pushing myself up in the tub. “She’s going to die, and I am going to have no one.”

“You’ll have me,” says Elise. I think I feel her grab my hand.

I shake my head. “You’ll never let me love you.”

“You’ll have me, too,” says Brody.

“And me, and your brother,” says Ellie. “And your sisters.”

“The one he named after my dead mother,” I say. “I’m going to end up like him—I already am.”

“You’re nothing like that monster,” says Elise. She places another piece of bread in my mouth and rubs her thumb against my cheek.

“I want coffee,” I say as I chew. “Coffee I want!”

“We’ll get you some coffee,” says Elise. “Do you think you can stand on your own?”

With Elise and Brody’s help, I stand up in the bathtub.

“Whoa, no dignity, huh bud?” laughs Brody.

“I don’t even think he can spell dignity right now,” says Ellie, throwing a towel at me.

“Coffee?” I whine.

“I’ve got it from here,” says Elise. “Can you two get along long enough to go to Starbucks and In-N-Out?”

△ △ △

I keep one foot planted on the floor like an anchor, keeping me grounded while the world around me spins faster. I spill my guts into a trashcan, the noises coming out of me sounding less and less human with each bit of sick that passes through my lips.  

One of Elise’s hands is in my hair, the other rubbing between my shoulders.

When I think I have nothing left inside of me, I fall onto my back, my leg still hanging off of the bed.

“How did I get here?” I say. “Last I remember, I was with Brody.”

“Brody brought you here,” she replies, legs curling underneath herself. “He and Ellie will be back soon with In-N-Out and coffee.”

I gag and cough and shake my head. “God, whose idea was that combination?”

“Yours,” she says. “You don’t remember?”

I shake my head. “I’m starting to think it’s a good thing that I don’t.” I open my eyes and look up at her. “I’m glad you’re here, Elise.”

I reach for her hand, but stop when I notice the torn skin on my left knuckles. I let my fingers curl and uncurl, only then feeling the familiar sting. “What did I hit?”