#its like. shb is about trying and trying again and again regardless of how it turns out-

[haunted-xander]

Shadowbringers is about learning how to live.

Your enemy is stasis- everything and everyone is stagnant, they wait and wait for something to happen, but don't do anything to make it so (because the ones who tried before failed, because they don't know what to do/how to do it). People don't change, they don't try, not really. The crystarium is doing well, it's independent and sustainable, but it doesn't have the reach or power to do much outside of Lakeland. The Exarch is more-or-less confined to the city (because of the tower, because he's waiting for you), so even if he had power elsewhere, he'd be limited with how much he, personally, can do.

Eulemore is filled with mindless indulgence, there's no hardships or labour or anything but luxury for the free citizens, and the bonded only have to worry about fulfilling the task(s) they were brought for. The outside world doesn't matter, hard work doesn't matter, personal fulfillment beyond indulgence doesn't matter, everything exist solely in the moment. The people out in Kholusia have pretty much given up, they stay close to the city in the hopes that this time they will be picked, this time they will be saved. They wait and wait and do nothing but wait. The ones who try to live on are dying out or eventually give up and join the rest in waiting.

Ahm Areang, Rak'tika, even Il Mheg are all just waiting for something, anything to happen. They go day to day, surviving simply because it's all they can. Nothing changes.

Until, of course, you should up. You, who causes a ripple of change simply by existing, who can move the immovable by sheer will. You showed them that things can change, that things can, and will happen, if they just try. You show them that they can make things better, that there is an option besides waiting for a slow death, if they'd just grab fate by the neck and tell it "No. We are doing this my way".

And they do. They rally up together and do what they thought impossible. Not all their efforts succeed(not immediately), but they tried. They tried, they failed, and they got up and tried again and again until it did work. They take the chances, not knowing how it'll turn out (because it's not about whether it fails or succeeds, it's about having tried).

They learn how to try, little by little, and every step they learn what it means to really live.

Endwalker is about learning how to love life.

Your enemy is nihilism- the idea that nothing matters, that there is no real joy to be found that isn't snuffed out by misery. A concept that denounces greys in favor of a black-and-white view where black is all encompassing. Everywhere you go, people are doing what they can to survive, but refuses (or maybe are afraid to, or maybe never knew they could) try to actually save themselves. The Forum plans for escape, to leave their homeworld behind and take whatever they can afford. They will live on, but they won't be saved, no one is saved(and even with escape they aren't safe, Despair is everywhere and She will not stop until all has become Nothing).

The Loporrits love Etheirys, but in the way Winter loves Spring. They know about it, they are so close to it, but they are distant. They're strangers, they've never met. It's love, and it's pure and true, but it's also just love. It's surface-level(because the surface is all they had). Their love is pure but it's instinctual. Programmed. They love because they don't know how to not love. They want to save it's people, save us, but they don't know what it really means to save, so they create refuge instead(because that's what She told them to, because this is how love works for them).

The people of Garlemald are terrified, they are victims of extreme indoctrination, the (deserved) push-back their army got proved them "right"(that we are savage beasts to fear, that they are but prey in the maws of rabid dogs). They want to be build-up again, but what's left for them now? The world hates them(and it's all their fault, the ones who see past the propaganda know this, but who will listen to them?) and they are dying. It's so cold and the fuel is running out. They won't accept help, because they've been filled with the idea that there is no such thing as pure kindness from "savages"(and they are too prideful to question it, to break apart from the illusion that they are surperior, because they're terrified to face the truth).

The sky screams, the earth wheeps and the foundation of existence is overtaken by Despair, misery is around every corner and who knows what will happen now? Where do we go? What do we do? We live and live but for what?

What's the point of it all?

That's the question, and the answer is everything. We live because there is joy to be found. Because there is beauty in the world. Because there are stars in the sky. Because flowers bloom in spring. Because cats purr. Because waves crash against the shore. Because of every single little thing we can see, hear or feel. Because we love and are loved. Because there are things to do and discover. Because why not?

And you tell them this, by letting them see that there is more to life than the little they have seen. The Forum has closed it's eyes to anything but it's own kith and kin, everything outside of Old Sharlayan is irrelevant(non-intervention, always non-intervention) and it takes the entire world coming and telling them "We are here. We are alive, and we will make tomorrow happen." for them to realize they have slowly been killing themselves and what they stand for(you pride yourself on knowledge, but where is your wisdom? What do you truly know of things outside your own bubble? You do not know that which is lived because you refuse to aknowledge anything but the written word).

The Loporrits see Etheirys itself, they experience it's corners and valleys and learn what love can really be. They want to save it, truly save it, because they love and this time it's informed, it's personal(I love you, I love you, and I want you to know I love your loves too).

In Garlemald everything is slow, unsteady and complicated, but it's changing. They're changing. With every person who accepts help the illusion of supremacy and "purity" melts away just a bit, and the wall standing between them and us breaks a little(it will never vanish completely, years upon years of oppression and subjugation and conquest don't disappear like that, but it's a start).

Shadobringers is about learning how to live, but Endwalker is about learning how to love life.

[emetkoto]

you've probably talked about this several times before but like. would it really be so bad if the scions found out about emetkoto tbh? or like... the context of when they find out u know?? likw if it's post shb or post end

i actually dont think i have touched on this TOO much interestingly enough :0c ty for this opportunity LOL

shadowrbingers/endwalker spoilers? kinda? theyre all kinda vague but theyre there

i think that in reality its almost definitely WAY worse in his head than it would actually be, a lot of it is just his anxiety!

he worries that they will immediately jump to "oh so youve chosen to side with the enemy?" and start shunning him and treating him cruelly, but that's not really the part that bothers him its the thought of them doing all that and emet-selch seeing it and deciding "hm you people (and by extension mankind) fucking suck actually" and giving up on his whole "cooperation" thing and just ditching k'oto entirely (again. completely in his head. emet-selch would be amused if anything or use it to help pull k'oto to his cause which would work so very easily)…k'oto in general sees their whole thing as a lot more fragile than it is in the earlier stages mostly bc of the way emet-selch would sometimes recoil in disgust/anger/annoyance when k'oto would try to show more genuine affection and just up and vanish sometimes literally in the middle of sex (this specifically stopped pretty fast but the few times it did happen it was Extremely Jarring and it continued with other quiet moments of intimacy/dates) and that was like so much to focus on he never really stopped to think about how despite that, emet-selch always came back the next night, even if he wasnt called for!!! there was a lot more wiggle room than k'oto could see or believed was there so these kinds of anxieties were common until emet stopped doing the whole leaving thing and he realized 'oh…he isnt running away i can take some chances!!'

but the biggest thing. the BIGGEST thing that made k'oto fear not just for his friendships but his like, life sometimes legitimately thinking about it was thancred! he has had terrible experiences with ascians nonstop and is rather aggressive when interacting with or discussing them and that combined with the fact he was not in a very good place in shb left k'oto feeling like 'hm. if i told him i was sleeping with an ascian even without implying i might have feelings for him he will literally beat me to death in the street' regardless of how maybe kind of unrealistic that was (partially. he would beat his ass at least a little)!

ofc there was one scion who he did tell (at least a little bit), yshtola! well it was less that he told her willingly and more that she called him out on his aether being stained with glaringly obvious and familiar dark patches (and a weird sort of tendril around his soul which neither of them knew was emet selch literally holding the light back gently to give k'oto the best chance possible at succeeding) and he had to kinda be like 'yeah ok im banging him but thats all im willing to tell you' and even though she could kinda tell he was keeping something to himself she didn't pry because he seemed like he had it under control and its not like the staining was going to like corrupt him or anything so it seemed fine to just let it be and keep an eye on him so thats what she did! by the end of shb she. pretty much knew. obviously k'oto was in no condition to talk about it but when he asked her to check his aether again after recovering physically from his fight against emet-selch she had a pretty good idea of what he was hoping for her to see (confirming there was still aether from emet-selch left over on his soun)! i think they probably sat down together a few times between her first confronting him and then. she'd invite him for tea and ask him if "everything" was well and he'd know what she was getting at and give her a vague answer that'd satisfy her and make him feel understood….since she was the only one who had any idea about any of it when she went down with vauthry she was immediately like oh fuck thats not good and when they all caught him trying to get to the tempest and urianger and thancred started discussing the white auracite she had to be like HEY GUYS NOT RIGHT NOW ACTUALLY bc she could see k'oto was Doubling Over In Agony At The Thought And That Was Very Bad Since He Was Very Full Of Light!!!!

anyway that was a tangent but even though it went well with her he still struggled with the idea of telling anyone else, even g'raha and estinien when he got back home with them (g'rahas. troubled past with emet-selch didnt help that) so they had to help him through the worst of his no good depression arc without even really understanding what was going on???? g'raha had looked in on emetkoto once or twice with his mirror thing but after emet-selch called him out on it and joked about telling k'oto he stopped doing that so the most he knew was that they were fucking and that emet-selch visited k'oto while he slept sometimes but estinien was just no thoughts head empty as usual he'd have to smack k'oto awake from the worst nightmares he'd ever seen him having and repeatedly ask him what was wrong and if he would just talk to them about it and have to hear "no not yet" "im not ready" over and over again for all of the shb post patches and most of endwalker and it was. a bit frustrating not being able to help him at all!!! but he and g'raha did their best and just hoped and prayed that one day he'd finally be willing to tell them,,,,

this was so many disjointed thoughts but lets reel it back in! it wasn't until the end of 6.0, after elpis and UT and everything…right before the gang split up to go their separate ways k'oto asked everyone if they'd sit down for a bit and talk with him about something. after UT everyone had kinda put the pieces together since the two had literally made outa nd confessed their love in front of everyone and made a gay little promise to meet again in the next life but they were all kind of. nervous and hesitant about it? they felt bad that k'oto had thought he needed to keep it to himself all this time and suffer in silence and that none of them could help him so they were all kinda mmmmmmmm but y'shtola stepped up and sat down as a show of solidarity and to let everyone else know that it was ok!! and after that everyone else was willing to hear him out too :,) so he told them the story from beginning to end and it was nice!!! it was exactly what he needed and everyone was happy to help him get his closure!!! they laughed and cried with him and it was just an overall great way to reinforce their bonds before splitting up for a year (the time i hc between the end of 6.0 and 6.1)

i hope this answers your question ireally did go off in a million directions i ahve so many thoughts as you can see :)

[theimperialnuisance]

FFXIV Write 2021

Prompt 24 Illustrious 

well known, respected, and admired for past achievements.

I know a lot of these stories are based around The Exarch lately but uh, I can’t help it >.> I’m a sucker for mutual pining and some of these prompts are just too perfect for it. This is a small snippet from the full story that will eventually be finished but this part was perfect for the prompt hence why it’s a little summarized in the beginning and may feel a little short toward the end. I will note that in the canon I have with my friends, we have two WoL’s (@tokki-yue is the other one) and I mention that because it’s mentioned in this so wanna clear any early confusion. Enjoy!

The first of the many unplanned meetings between Kien and the Exarch on the Watch tower. Very light ShB spoilers below.

Upon returning to the Crystarium, the cheers and celebrations had already begun. Finally after a hundred long years of enduring the Light, Lakeland would experience its first nightfall. The Exarch could scarcely believe his plan was finally coming to fruition and though the path ahead was still filled with trials and difficulties, it was still the first victory for Norvrandt and hopefully not the last. The energy about the Crystarium’s people was positively thrumming—the Exarch did his best to not get too caught up in it all but it was hard not too admits the awe and wonder. Somewhere in between his rounds to talk with as many people as he could and to check in on the Warriors, he lost sight of Kien.

He knew he shouldn’t worry too much about him but after their hard earned victory, the Bard seemed more troubled than happy. He knew from past experience Kien wasn’t much for celebrations but when he did all his research in preparation for the summonings, the tomes said otherwise and he was determined to find out if there was another underlying reason as to why he was separated from everyone else. After ensuring the other Scions were alright, he stepped away from the festivities to search for the other Warrior, a little relieved to have a moment for himself as well in the fresh air.

He gazed around the Rookery, noting that there were still quite a few people out and about, though the chatter was more of a soft murmur that filled the space, as if speaking any louder would shatter the memory of the bright starry sky they were all gazing upon. A small smile tugged the corners of his mouth and he too began to incline his head upward to see the night sky once again. He stopped short upon spotting a silhouette on the second highest platform of the watchtower, instantly knowing who was up there. A small sigh escaped him; he should have known better to look there first. History may have painted Kien differently than when he first knew him, but one thing seemed to remain unchanged, he still enjoyed heights just as much, so it should have been no surprise that he sought out the highest access point in the whole of the Crystarium.

Every step up the stairs sent his mind in a whirl. What would his excuse be when he got up there? He couldn’t very well tell Kien he only came up here to check on him—it was much too soon, and it may rouse suspicion. Should he tell him he just happened to go here too, since it was his favorite spot? Would that small fact give too much away? Mayhap he should turn around and head back down….but before he could even entertain that thought, he found himself at the top of the stairs and unable to take his gaze away from the sight before him.

Kien was leaning against the metal pillar of the platform, his arms crossed and gaze fixed on the gleaming tower. He couldn’t quite make out his expression but he could feel a sense of calm wash over him and his heart began to subside in its thrumming. Kien had yet to realize he had company with him as he inhaled a breath and settled himself down into a seated position at the edge of the platform, humming softly. The Exarch shifted his weight, leaning a bit on his staff as his heart began to thurm against his chest for an entirely different reason, suddenly nervous.

How many years had he longed for a moment like this to occur again? To be back with his friend, spending the night gazing at the tower just like they used to? They had both been eager to begin their new adventures then, younger and oblivious to the challenges their future held for them. From the moment they first met during the exhibition of the Crystal Tower, the two became fast friends and while the potential for their friendship to become something more was there, it never came to light because of the path their fates had planned for them. It was his hope that once he awoke to a bright future, he could chart course to find the Warrior again. That hope was shattered when he awoke two hundred years later to a calamity and read about his friend’s untimely death.

The Exarch could hardly grieve about it, having been too wrapped up with the Ironworks research to send him to the First. It wasn’t until he arrived a hundred years too early that he was able to sit down and read about his friend’s history that he could begin to understand just how much he missed while he was sleeping. There were still so many questions he had for him and so many tales he’d been eager to hear about—he had a second chance now. A second chance to right the world. A second chance to see him again. And while he had no idea of Kien still harbored the same feelings he did all these years later and may never know, he was just happy to see him alive and breathing. This time, he wouldn’t let that future happen. No matter what, the Warrior of Light’s—no, Kien and Tokki’s legacy would live on.

The Exarch inhaled a breath, gently tugging down on his hood to ensure he face remained hidden, and fighting down every urge to speak aloud on just how much this scene reminded him of old times. This was not the time nor the place. He didn’t want Kien to know it was him under the hood. He couldn’t know.

A floorboard creaked, causing the Exarch to flinch as Kien’s ear flicker back to indicate he was aware of his presence. “Apologies if I’m not supposed to be up here,” he began, glancing back briefly but not enough to see who it was. “I’ll head down in a moment.”

“No need to apologize, my friend.” The Exarch replied gently, the corner of his mouth tugging into a small smile as he watched Kien suddenly turn his head to fully gaze at him curiously. “May I?” He inclined his head slightly, his heart still rapidly beating against his chest as Kien eyed him for a bit, and then slowly nodded his head, gesturing to the empty spot next to him.

The Exarch inwardly breathed a sigh of relief and moved to settle himself down at a polite distance from Kien, his legs dangling over the edge and his staff resting next to him. “Forgive me for asking, but why are you up here and not down celebrating with the others?”

“I could ask you the same, couldn’t I?” Kien asked as he slowly turned his mismatched eyes to stare at the Exarch. His gaze was piercing, as if he was trying to see through the fabric of the heavy hood. “Being the leader of the Crystarium, should you not be down with your people?”

“Fair point,” The Exarch chuckled. “I needed a moment away from the celebrations. Knowing the people of the Crystarium, they’re likely to celebrate through the night, and apt as I am to join them, I fear this old man can only take so much excitement before needing a moment to retire. I often find myself up here to do so.”

Kien snorted a bit, which wasn’t exactly what the Exarch was expecting in reply, but he caught the corner of his mouth tugging up into a small smile. “With how you fought today, I’m still unsure if I can believe you’re as old as you say you are.” He paused, shrugging his shoulders. “Still, I can understand. I’m not one to stay too long at celebrations myself.”

Now it was the Exarch’s turn to be surprised and he was grateful to have kept his initial reaction in check as he stared curiously at the warrior. “I believe I read in the tomes that you were quite the festival goer; there would be no such celebration without the presence of the ‘illustrious Warrior of Light’.”

Kien laughed. “Is that what history says? Are you sure they weren’t referring to Tokki? She most certainly likes being the life of any celebration. Me, not so much.” He turned his gaze back down to the crowd below. “I’ve been to my fair share of celebrations in the past but I guess sometimes I enjoy watching them rather than being a part of them—the people don’t always need to know that a heroic deed I did is why they’re celebrating, you know?” He looked at the Exarch with a small smile who returned it in kind. “I know it’s not much of an explanation but it’s the best I’ve got.”

The Exarch returned his gaze to the tower with a short chuckle. “Well, regardless of why you’re up here, you have found one of the best spots in the Crystarium to view the night sky. You are free to come up here anytime, my friend.”

“It is a pretty spectacular view,” Kien replied wistfully as he kept his gaze fixed on the sky above, the tower gleaming brighter than ever before. “Though, I admit I came up here to get a better look at the tower…it reminds me of my favorite spot to view it back on the Source.”

The Exarch’s grip on his knee tightened and his breath hitched as he swallowed a knot in his throat. “You’d visit the tower often in the Source?” He quickly cleared his throat to avoid any unnecessary questions as Kien eyed him skeptically for a moment. “That is—no tomes I read about you mentioned your visits.” He wasn’t sure if that was a good recovery or not, but it seemed to have worked as Kien merely shrugged his shoulders with a sigh.

“I don’t suppose history would necessarily keep track of everything I do.” Kien chuckled softly. “Besides, I think I’d prefer it that way; that place was sort of a private viewing spot and I’d hate to see so many people there just to get a glimpse at the— what did you say they said? Oh, the illustrious Warrior of Light.” He tossed a lopsided grin at the Exarch which he returned with a polite smile, his heart skipping several beats. It felt like nothing had changed between them, even if only one of them felt that way. He’d do his best to enjoy the moment while he could but at a safe distance. One small slip up could expose himself much too soon.

“Well, if you have no intentions to return to the celebration anytime soon, care to indulge me on a few more things history may or may not have said about your past achievements?”

Kien corked a smile, settling himself in more and the Exarch did the same. “Sure, what would you like to know?”

[enavance]

hi i’m here to once again start a discussion / meta about a song that i relate to cherry.  on this episode,  we’re pulling apart falling in reverse’s popular monster.  some of the lyrics are hit or miss because you know obviously this is based on ronnie’s own experiences,  but some of the lyrics are really suited to cherry and i’ll bold the relevant lines as i go or omit things as needed.

also holy shit this is like over 1600 words,  not including the lyrics of course,  and  . . .  congratulations if u read this jkbdfbkvd

i wake up every morning with my head up in a daze i'm not sure if i should say this,  fuck,  i'll say it anyway everybody tries to tell me that i'm goin' through a phase i don't know if it's a phase,  i just wanna feel okay, yeah i battle with depression,  but the question still remains is this post-traumatic stressin' or am i suppressin' rage? and my doctor tries to tell me that i'm going through a phase yeah, it's not a fuckin' phase, i just wanna feel okay

okay,  yeah,  i struggle with this bullshit every day and it's probably 'cause my demons simultaneously rage it obliterates me,  disintegrates me,  annihilates me

cherry has always been hot  -  tempered since she was younger,  but now as she’s grown and grown into her role as the warrior of light and coupled with all of the things she has endured from the beginning of her journey to where she is now.  she lived a relatively peaceful life until imperial garlean forces invaded her village and uprooted her life and destroyed everything she once knew and forced her to make anew.  cherry struggles with severe depression and ptsd,  and much of that contributes to her trauma response and why she’s so quick to lash out in a form of a defense mechanism.

'cause i'm about to break down i'm searchin' for a way out i'm a liar,  i'm a cheater,  i'm a non-believer i'm a popular,  popular monster i break down falling into love now with falling apart i'm a popular,  popular monster

with everything cherry goes through,  it’s a wonder she hasn’t snapped completely yet,  but she has come so,  so,  so close so many times.  she is self  -  destructive in her coping methods,  whether intentionally or not.  sometimes she realizes and notices her harmful coping methods,  sometimes she doesn’t,  but her mindset is that if she’s not hurting anyone else,  it’s fine.

however,  what she doesn’t realize is that her distance and cold shouldering and keeping people at arms length is hurtful because people are just trying to be there for her,  but she won’t allow them to due to her debilitating fear of allowing anyone to come near her,  physically or emotionally,  and risk them forming an attachment to her and vice versa.

she doesn’t want someone to feel hurt or pain in losing her and having to mourn her.  cherry is a serial escapist in that she will disappear for months at a time and wander off looking for the most dangerous jobs,  not only because she needs the money and thrives off of the adrenaline and that she has an inherently reckless nature,  but it’s that deep  -  rooted self  -  destructiveness.

i think i'm going nowhere like a rat trapped in a maze every wall that i knock down is just a wall that i'll replace i'm in a race against myself,  i try to keep a steady pace how the fuck will i escape if i never close my case? oh my god,  i keep on stressin',  every second that i waste is another second sooner to a blessing i won't take

cherry doesn’t see herself as a hero.  to a degree,  she understands that it’s not her choice whether or not she is seen as a hero.  other people will call her one regardless based on her accomplishments and achievements and decorated contributions to the preservation of eorzea and the shard as a whole.  as vain as she is,  and as much as she boasts of her strength as a warrior,  which she takes quite a bit of pride in,  she’s surprisingly somewhat humble when it comes to being seen as a hero that people look to for light in the darkness and idolize.  she just sees nothing special in it because of how many people still die,  how many things are still lost and destroyed.  her own pessimism stops her from feeling positively towards any association with being a hero.  she doesn’t want to be celebrated or praised,  but she won’t be mad if someone compliments her skills and says she’s strong.

cherry is an extremely guarded person and this is something i discuss at length with her keeping extremely tall and thick walls up to protect herself and the people around her due to her life experiences and the trauma she has been through from before ARR to where she is now post  -  SHB.  she’s afraid of letting anyone in.  she’s afraid of caring about people,  despite the fact that she does because deep down she is caring and kind and soft and she just can’t help herself.  she tries to convince herself that she’s not as close to some people as she thinks,  but she is and it would kill her to lose anyone else.  and deep down,  cherry knows that it’s much the same for her friends as well,  that it’s too late,  that they do care about her and someone will be there to mourn and grieve her and she hates that.  this is why she flinches at softness,  any soft gesture or touch or kindness,  even more so when it comes to romantic avenues.  she will run and run and run until she’s sure you’ve given up on pursuing her.  much of this is also tied into the fact that caring about someone is a weakness to a fault because an enemy can sniff that out and use that against her.  they could take someone that she cares about and use them as leverage or kill them or hurt them to get to her and she is so deeply afraid of that most of all.

cherry refuses help constantly.  she shoulders everything and is the first to volunteer to do anything dangerous.  she makes her own recklessly stupid and dangerous plans and rushes in headfirst without much thought.  she is stubborn and will insist on doing everything herself,  even the most menial tasks.  she doesn’t want to look weak,  not that she is or that anyone even thinks that of her,  but she doesn’t want it to appear to anyone that she has any weaknesses because she doesn’t want them to be turned against her.  she refuses help that would otherwise be blessings to make her life easier.

okay,  motherfucker,  now you got my attention i need to change a couple things 'cause somethin' is missing and what if i were to lie?  tell you everything is fine every single fucking day i get closer to the grave i am terrified,  i fell asleep at the wheel again crashed my car just to feel again it obliterates me,  disintegrates me,  annihilates me

cherry is as honest as they come.  perhaps too honest,  sometimes.  however,  when it comes to her own wellbeing,  she will lie to fool others into thinking that she’s fine so that they don’t worry about her.  she doesn’t want to be worried or fussed over,  and most of all,  she doesn’t want to add to anyone else’s stress or make them waste their time with her.  cherry doesn’t take very good care of herself,  physically or emotionally or mentally.  she barrels into danger without thought,  is impulsive,  extremely reckless,  and she doesn’t talk about her feelings to anyone or discuss the traumatic events that happened to her with anyone.  i think the only people she may have opened up to are haurchefant,  maybe thancred on occasion,  ardbert because she’s fine talking to him because her logic is  “  who is he going to tell  ?  no one else can see him,  ”  maybe aymeric but never wholly in detail,  and maybe estinien.  cherry is terrified of opening up to people.  she doesn’t care if people see her as being awful or anything,  but she’s afraid of being seen as vulnerable and having all of those parts of her open and raw.

she’s not actively suicidal or anything or ever thinking about dying.  in fact,  she’s deathly afraid of dying because of the people who care about her and because the fate of the world rests on her shoulders.  she doesn’t want anyone to ever feel the pain she did losing her loved ones.  she doesn’t want them to mourn her.  she doesn’t want to risk the dying of this star just because there’s so much at stake and so many people and the world depending on her success and her being alive.

still,  despite that,  despite knowing that and that being an enormous fear of hers,  that doesn’t stop her from being reckless.  she is extremely self  -  destructive and impulsive and doesn’t think too much,  if at all,  before committing to something,  even if it’s an extremely bad idea.  she does do harmful and self  -  destructive things just to feel things,  hence her being somewhat of an adrenaline addict and chasing danger and diving headfirst into fights or battles and facing off with dangerous people,  even if outnumbered.  she revels in danger and the feeling of adrenaline rushes and actively being battered and bruised in a fight.  she probably would crash a car,  honestly,  just to feel something that is beyond the despondence and depression that she’s come to know post  -  shb.

yeah,  here we go again,  motherfucker,  oh we're sick and tired of wondering praying to a god that you don't believe you're searching for the truth in the lost and found so the question i ask is,  yeah,  where the fuck is your god now? 

and by the end of shb,  knowing the things that she knows of hydaelyn and zodiark,  she’s extremely jaded and even more pessimistic than she was to begin with.  in the beginning,  she didn’t know what she was coming into,  when joining the fray with the scions and learning of her own abilities with the echo and hydaelyn’s will and her involvement.  as time passes and hydaelyn’s absence becomes more noticeable,  she begins to feel abandoned,  and she wonders if hydaelyn is simply content to allow the shard to die and with it,  its people. 

even upon learning of the mother crystal’s weakness in strength,  learning the truth of everything,  the forming of the worlds and hydaelyn and zodiark being primals,  she begins to heavily distrust hydaelyn and wonders if everything had been a lie.  what else had hydaelyn hidden from her  ?  what else was a lie  ?  cherry has never been religious,  not really,  and she wonders if the gods are really out there.  hydaelyn certainly isn’t the god they all thought she was     —     she is a primal.  they have placed their faith and worship in a primal who disappeared and left them in darkness and silence.

cherry is left in a pretty fragile state come the end of shb.  she has lost so much more,  and she feels as though she managed to accomplish nothing despite everything that she has had a hand in doing.  there is always something else,  always something more,  and she feels as though it’s never going to end and she is exhausted.  she will never tire of helping people,  not truly,  but she feels such an emptiness within her and i really think that losing anyone else important to her,  specifically people like thancred,  the twins,  estinien,  aymeric,  she is really going to spiral harder than ever before and i really don’t know how cherry would come out of it in one piece.