weep woop
ayo. ive read my scheduled email and its time for freewriting shit again. lmao.
I want this post to be like a small light from a lit match stick inside a very hollow, icy, and numbing cave. (sounds cartoonish right? I know. Im obsessed with Adventure Time.) I want all people to be genuinely happy. Spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
Upon reaching my 24th anniversary in this world, I finally learned how to truly embrace all my emotions. Some are more overwhelming than the other, but we have to heed in our treacherous yet perplexing minds that everything is fleeting and we are in control. The feeling of extreme sadness fades, but so does joyful states. Everything can change in a matter of minutes or years. You are in control of all your emotions. You are in control of all your life choices. Your actions. Your words. Your perspective.
It feels weird to actually write about it. I've wanted to talk about it. I never wanted help from anyone as I firmly believed that I was alone. Sure, I have a family and friends, but it is hard to see that when your head is clouded with negativity. I've even come to the point where I was too overwhelmed, I found being physically hurt less painful. The pain I felt distracted me from what I was thinking. My mind tended to go bonkers. lmao. But bro, I was so good at concealing my bonkers mind. It's easy to fake any emotion that you have. Slap anything sunshine-y or happy to anything and people would believe you. It went on for years. Long story short, thousands of bracelets collected, it became worse. The physical pain could no longer withhold the emotional pain. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't stop thinking. And voila! I found a good amount of self help books (from tumblr) and novels. Novels that brought me to different places. Self-help books that made me understand what I feel and what to do. I've read that taking the easy way out will leave everyone sad. AND IN THE FIRST PLACEEEEEE, I NEVER WANT THATTTTTTT. I want everyone to be happy. I would act foolish and do dumb shit to make everyone happy in a heartbeat. So, that idea made me push a few more years. Later on, the crippling shit came crawling back again to my head, sooooooo I needed new shit to keep me distracted again. Films, series, music, and short clips from YouTube helped me out a lot. Every single time that my mind is going to think like anything that can think of, even to the point that I was just going to think that I might be hungry, I'd watch something. There's just something about silence for me. Because of this new habit of mine, I've learned more about myself. I love different types of things. I like horror. I like thriller. I like comedy. I like romance. I love all types of films, but there is something about the horror genre that interests me. I still can't point out what, but I love watching horror films. With regards to music, I've learned that I love Indie, Punk Rock, Rap, and Pop. We all can't like a specific genre. It's stupid to ask "what genre of music do you like?". It's not actually stupid-stupid, it's just stupid. Ya know? Anyway, passing this phase, I needed to find something again because it's not doing the shit that it was supposed to, I tried investing more time on video games. By investing more, I mean a whole shit lot. I love video games since I was young cuz.... u know.... they keep
u... try to guess it! oh yeah. you got that right! distracted! I love the aggressive plays and trashtalks that my friends and I make. The short stories we tell one another. The rants. The lame jokes. The late night we sound drunk but we are not drunk jokes. The roleplays. The lame jokes. The memes. And once again, The lame
jokes. Something about lame jokes and the laughs and curses after that always gets me every single time. Oh shoot. Yup Yup. Few years later, I finally noticed the pattern that my sadness is temporary. I got over it one way or the other (or another. depends on how you wanna read it. i dont wanna say another cause i might write about one direction like what im doing now so-). Happiness is temporary as well. But, we are the ones who are actually in control of our emotions. If you wanna feel sad, be sad for a while. You're getting too sad? Try hanging out with your funny friends. Can't do that? Find an alternative. Watch a movie, knit a sweater. Anything your mind could think of as long as it will keep you mentally distracted from being physically and mentally hurt.
I do have a few notes though. We cannot and should never assume what people are going through. It may be petty for you, but it may be very crucial to them. So never everrrr say things like:
-Some people have it worse than you
-At least you have .....
These sheetsss are annoying as heckkk and could really down someone. I know it is not your intention to annoy but people react differently.
alsooooooo, it is not okay or normal to hate on things for bandwagon. that is just plainly crazy and stupid. let people enjoy things. anddddddd never suppress your emotions. admit what you feel inside and try to think of a way to resolve ittttt. keeping it to yourself will just make it worseeeeee. find your own outlettttttttt. hihihi ️
alsooooo. being more spiritually full with God's words and ideas really help me to be spiritually happy. ps. im christian but i dont discredit other religion and even applaud other religion's ideas and beliefs.
this is a really long, selfish post so i might as well recommend some things I like :
Songs with their lyrics that made me go through life.
“I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier”
-All These Things That I've Done, The Killers
“It's not too late, I'm still right here”
-Breaking Your Own Heart, Kelly Clarkson
"And the salt in my wounds / Isn't burning any more than it used to / It's not that I don't feel the pain / It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore / And the blood in these veins / Isn't pumping any less than it ever has / And that's the hope I have / The only thing I know that's keeping me alive"
-Last Hope, Paramore
“There is not a single word in the whole world / That could describe the hurt / The dullest knife just sawing back and forth / And ripping through the softest skin there ever was / How were you to know?”
-Hate to See Your Heartbreak, Paramore
"It's holding on, though the road's long / And seeing light in the darkest things
And when you stare at your reflection / Finally knowing who it is / I know that you'll thank God you did"
-1800, Logic
"Did some things you can't speak of / But at night you live it all again / You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now / If only you had seen what you know now then"
-Innocent, Taylor Swift (My bb)
"10 months sober, I must admit / Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it / 10 months older, I won't give in / Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it // Rain came pouring down when I was drowning / That's when I could finally breathe / And by morning gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean"
-Clean, Taylor Swift
“I guess I always knew / That I had all the strength to make it through.”
-Believe in Me, Demi Lovato
"I'm addicted to the madness / I'm a daughter of the sadness / I've been here too many times before / Been abandoned and I'm scared now / I can't handle another fallout / I am fragile, just washed upon the shore / They forget me, don't see me / When they love me, they leave me"
-I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me, Demi Lovato
“I'm overwhelmed / I need a voice to echo / I need a light to take me home / I need a star to follow / I don't know”
-Nightingale, Demi Lovato
"I'm a walking travesty / But I'm smiling at everything. // Arrogant boy, Love yourself so no one has to."
-Therapy, All Time Low
"I tried it once before but I didn't get too far / I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart. / But maybe I'm alive 'cause I didn't really wanna die / But nothing very special ever happens in my life / Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that / All the blood escaping me won't end the pain / And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me / I died to be the white ghost / Of the man that I was meant to be"
-Ghost, Badflower
"Are the pieces of you / In the pieces of me? / I'm just so scared / You're who I'll be / When I erupt / Just like you do / They look at me / Like I look at you"
-DNA, Lia Marie Johnson
Movies and series to try :
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower (The book is bomb af. if yall havent tried, ur missing out)
-The Kings of Summer
-Never Let Me Go
-The Art of Getting By
-Silver Linings Playbook
-Winter’s Bone
-The Lovely Bones (The script. The words)
-Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
-American Horror Story
-Black Swan
pps. remember that every one has their own pace and point of view. don’t push yourself too hard, and don’t overthink. give yourself time, and respect all your emotions. analyze them but not more than like 5 minutes as anything beyond that might cause you to overthink and be sadder. and sad is not rad. hehe. you got this. you got you. self love is the best even though it can be tricky to do. nobody else is like you. you’re the only one of you (i just remembered me.......... i might have hummed it while typing it mid sentence). consider other people’s opinion but do not let it cloud your own judgement as you know yourself best. dont let other comment’s define you. spread love. vibe people you vibe with. ayeeee lets go!!!
ppps this is my last post bc im happier now and know myself better. i no longer limit myself on the age that I want. I want to live as long as how God wants me to be. hehe.
x :D
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things about my playlist (super long cause i included lyrics whos surprised)
Right Here, Right Now
Right here, Right now
I'm looking at you and
My Heart love the view
Cause you mean everything
im always a sucker for a good hsm song but this moment in the movie just really strongly resonates with me, the desire to make the moment last even though everything is speeding around them
Today Was A Fairytale
But can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
every day just feels like floating like it really is magic honestly
Hung Up
I'm not usually the type of guy to call twice
And leave a message every time
i think ive only left multiple voicemails for my mum like once
Thunder
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
something bout boys like girls just always resonates about us but especially this. i used to play it every day when i spent that summer away
Check Yes Juliet
Run, baby, run
Don't ever look back
They'll tear us apart
If you give them the chance
we all know how shit romeo and juliet when badly idealised but something about this just made me feel really strongly that it was ok cause of all the issues w my folks but i could run from that and itd still be ok
Two Is Better Than One
Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
this song just brings me back to that first night up against the wall honestly
Mine
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing, that's ever been mine
another one of those played everyday, not even just the summer, but literally everyday for a long while. this part was the part that clicked most, that you brought me out of my shell
Love Story
And my daddy said "Stay away from Juliet"
But you were everything to me, I was begging you, please, don't go
swift is kind of a running theme for my sweet summer tunes, but parts of this song reminded me of what my folks would be like, and the constant (poor) secret-keeping and the constant want to be free to be us
Marry You
Is it the look in your eyes or is it this dancing juice
Who cares baby, I think I wanna marry you
i think its kinda self explanatory
Can I Have This Dance
Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all
this will never stop being the cheesy fall back memory i have, its another soft moment but i love it so
2002
Now we're under the covers
Fast forward to eighteen
We are more than lovers
Yeah, we are all we need
When we're holding each other
this song just invokes a lot of early memories, of the way we would belt every song out that would come on, the way that wed fix a playlist like no one else was there
Everything I Ask For
Oh she makes me feel like shit (it's always something)
But I can't get over it (she thinks it's nothing)
'Cause she's everything I ask for
gotta agree with john, wearin red when youre feelin hot. its a good colour for you, yknow
Alone Together
I don't know where I'm going
But I don't think I'm coming home and I said
I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead
This is the road to ruin
And we're starting at the end
we started a mess, we ended a mess, were still a mess, and anything we do going forwards is a mess, but its ok
Still Into You
I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you
And even baby our worst nights
I'm into you, I'm into you
Let 'em wonder how we got this far,
'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all
Yeah after all this time
I'm still into you
i remember when my dad sent me the video to this song just because of what was on haleys tshirt. i didnt think it would come to stick with me for so long and mean so much
Runaway (U & I)
I wanna run away
Anywhere out this place
I wanna run away
Just U and I
wouldnt be my playlist if i didnt throw electronic into it. a general running (lmao) theme though isnt it? to want to run away, to find somewhere new to start
Ours
Seems like there's always
Someone who disapproves,
They'll judge it like they know about me and you,
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do,
The jury's out,
And my choice is you
another summer jam. no matter what, this is ours. no one can take that away, nobody but us can change it. it will always be ours
Song 2 You
I'll give you my song
These words to you
Sing you what I feel
My soul is true.
a little victorious doesnt hurt. its a soft song, mostly about a materialistic girl, but the feeling behind it resonates with me. i love how soft it is, i love the meaning behind it. but most of all i love that its still music thats being used to connect people
Stupid For You
You're a symphony, I'm just a sour note
I'll take what I can get
The best is hard to grip when everybody wants you
And everybody wants you
basically about feeling just a little not good enough, but still chasin and makin it work. id say im pretty stupid for you though
Right Girl
I've never been the best with my mouth
Try to stay smart but the dumb comes out
Maybe I'm shy, I drive an old car
Maybe I'm amazed that I got this far
you are the best thing to ever happen and i let my dumbass brain panic itself into doing the wrong thing to the right girl
Rock Bottom
That you hate me now and I feel the same way
You love me now and I feel the same way
We scream and we shout
And make up the same day
everything culminated to this, to being rock bottom and tossing and turning and trying and maybe not trying enough. everythings still low it still feels like rock bottom while still feeling like theres more to fall. its hard to explain
Trigger
Why can't we talk about it
Why don't we try
I think we can change our minds
If we could just look at it through each other's eyes
Instead of letting bullets fly
i wish, at least for getting through this, we could be better at pushing emotions back to talk, that i could be better at pushing emotions back. i wish i was better at taking a step back and seeing it from another perspective before it got too late
I Really Like You
Who gave you eyes like that, said you could keep them?
I dunno how to act or if I should be leavin'
I'm running outta time, going outta my mind
i remember thinking how annoying this was when it came on, but it explains so well this state of limbo, this state of “what can i say, what cant i say”
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic
Every little thing she does is magic
Everything she do just turns me on
Even though my life before was tragic
Now I know my love for her goes on
my dad used to play this a lot when i was younger and i forgot it for a while, but something about you sparked me to remember it, to want to hear it on repeat, to belt it despite how quiet it is on spotify, to let it wash over me
How You Get The Girl
And then you say
I want you for worse or for better
I would wait for ever and ever
Broke your heart, I'll put it back together
I would wait for ever and ever
i remember how you used to say you didnt like this song but now it kinda feels like were living it, that someones going to show up on someones door step six months down the line in the pouring rain. or maybe someone wont. but it doesnt stop ever resonating with me so deep in my bones
Be There
I'll be the warmth in your empty hotel
I'll make it right when you're going through hell
I'll be the call when there's no one to tell
no matter the situation, ill still be there for you. doesnt matter when, how, what, why, ill be there
Anchor
If you’re lost
And feel like you’re alone
I’ll be the one to guide you home
You’ll never have far to go
just to really drive the point home with a little tritonal, ill be your anchor, maybe not your rock, im not solid enough, or rooted myself. i sway with the tide but ill still be something you can hold on to
My Life Would Suck Without You
Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong
For tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too
Either way I found out I'm nothing without you
i dont care how rocky its been, i refuse to let myself be without you, whatever that entails
Dopamine
What you do to me is no good
But baby, you're good for me, so good for me
We break up to build something new
Chasing after what I have with you
i think no matter what, it will always feel like what im doing is trying to get back what we had, but not the way it was, more the way we fit together, how we could sit together and be content, to fight and curse each other out but still somehow make it ok, thats what id be chasing after
I’m Yours
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
my heart will always be yours, even if you dont want it, it doesnt plan on going anywhere any time soon. i could leave and it would still stay with you
I Want You Back
Oh, baby, give me one more chance
To show you that I love you
Won't you please let me
Back in your heart
Oh, darling, I was blind to let you go
Let you go baby
Cause now since I see you it is all
victoria justices voice makes it feel more relevant somehow, maybe its the female voice with the same lyrics, maybe its just the way she sings it, who knows, but this rings pretty fuckin true
Just Wanna Be With You
I got a lot of things
I have to do
All these distractions
Our futures coming soon
We're being pulled a hundred different directions
But whatever happens I know I've got you
while comedic in the end of year musical, the rehearsal version really i think really captures the heart of the relationship, that everything is happening everywhere and theres nowhere to stop and breathe but theyre still there for each other, and i will be too
Black Butterflies and Deja Vu
I lose my voice when I look at you
Can't make a noise though I'm trying to
Tell you all the right words
Waiting on the right words
one of my favourites off the album, i hadnt found one i connected with much off the american candy album, except for ‘miles away’ perhaps, but then LLL dropped with this as a single and it just clicked so much with me. i find it so hard to tell you all the things i want to, the right things to tell you, its hard to ask you to be patient for me to get out what i want to, and i always end up sticking my foot in it, but one day ill get it right
Marry Me
Forever can never be long enough for me
To feel like I've had long enough with you
a soft way to end this playlist, a perfect way to end it i think
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