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Jacob Writes Forever About “Monster Trucks”

Okay... Time for the long form Monster Trucks review. (I’d ask you to read this if only to justify the fact that this review is about 830 words long)

You wouldn't think that there would be a lot to talk about with a movie called Monster Trucks, especially when its premise comes into focus. It is essentially about a tentacle monster that befriends a "high school" aged guy who works in a junkyard. The guy learns that the creature (which he names "Creech") feeds on motor oil and can replace his truck's engine. Oh, and an evil oil company wants these creatures dead so that they can continue drilling for oil and not have to deal with the EPA. That's all the plot I'll be referencing for this entire review. The plot is nonsense that's best described by saying "Imagine if 'E.T.' and 'Transformers' had a baby and they decided to leave the baby out in the rain hoping it'd drown in the gutters but somehow it evolved gills and survived."

Before I really get into this, I have to say that I believe that Monster Trucks could have been a decent B-tier animated film. It's premise certainly seems like it would be a decent B-tier animated film. The fact it was shot and made as a live action film is truly baffling beyond words and the source of EVERY single one of the film's many many MANY problems. (I'm inserting this note as I finish writing the rest of this since I can't find a place to put this information, but wow this movie is basically a huge promo for Dodge trucks and Jeeps, it also advertises Nokia phones and Titanfall 2)

First, there's the fact that the leads that are supposed to be high school aged are not only in their 30s, they LOOK like they're in their 30s. This is a problem easily fixed in an animated movie, the actors would only have to sound young, design work takes care of the rest. In live action, it's jarring, especially when a lot of the high school extras in the background look the correct age. But none of this would save how bad both of the human leads are at acting. Also, Rob Lowe and Danny Glover are somehow in this movie.

Second, there's the radical tone shifts that occur when the fun loving creatures smash cars filled with people. After Creech flips two Jeeps over, a character quips "I hope they were wearing their seat belts!", as if that would have saved them from being flipped over while easily going at 70 miles an hour. Creech killed all of those people, and brutally. In an animated film, cartoony physics allow you to suspend disbelief. In a live action film, all you can wonder is how far removed each passengers' rib cages are from themselves, poking out over the seat belts.

Third, but most baffling of all, is how expensive it all looks. The real reason people are fascinated by this movie is the fact it got made at this scale. As I said before, it feels like a B-tier animated film pitch, maybe a live action film for TV only, but a full on theatrical release? Never, and especially not at a cost of over $100 million. But, yeah. Here we are. The CGI used to render Creech in particular looks pretty good for some unholy reason, selling the slimy weight of the lovable tentacle flesh pile on the silver screen. It really does feel like the modern day equivalent to Night of the Lepus, a film about giant killer rabbits that has Janet Leigh and DeForest Kelly in it. Monster Trucks is that kind of movie, the kind that's very existence is proof that every once and while a Hollywood executive trips and falls directly into a mountain of cocaine with their nostrils wide open only to pop out and declare "I HAVE A GREAT IDEA FOR A MOVIE!"

And while it'd be easy to write it off at this point, one last question remains: Is it a good kids film? Can you at least put Monster Trucks on to distract a group of children. The short answer: No. The live action nature of the film simply makes it too violent for the audience it's targeting but the "boy and his dog" feeling of the movie makes it too juvenile to be for anyone else. It isn't an old school fun kids adventure like Tintin was, it isn't even a Cats and Dogs animal movie. It's an abomination DNA splice of both of those things that ends up looking like Jeff Goldblum at the end of The Fly remake in 1986, including the gooey clawed hand grasping at the end of a shotgun to indicate that it wants to die in a wordless horror.

In closing, if Monster Trucks as a film could speak directly to its audience, it would beg the audience to kill it.

[jacobblogsforever]

Oh, changed my url slightly.

jacobwritesforever --> jacobblogsforever