#japril week 2017

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

Japril Appreciation Week: Day 3 ⇒ A song or quote that reminds you of them 

Halo by Beyoncé 

Remember those walls I built?

Well, baby they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound

I found a way to let you in

But, I never really had a doubt

Standing in the light of your halo

I got my angel now

Jackson Avery couldn't understand why exactly he was feeling so angry. It was a hard emotion to pin down for a 7 year old. He just knew, that despite all the coddling his mother has been trying to do, and all the yelling his granddad had done, he had an inexplicable need to act out. 

And now here he was, at a doctor's office, where his mom said that his behavior at school meant he'd have to talk to this doctor and tell her what was wrong. He wanted to tell her that he wasn't sure what was wrong, so there was nothing to tell her. He hadn't meant to push Pete off the swing. He really hadn't. But Pete had been talking about how his dad was teaching him to play baseball and how they'd gone for ice cream after, and he hadn't stopped when Jackson had asked him to. So, he'd pushed him, and Pete had gotten a scrape on his forehead and he'd cried real hard. Jackson had felt terrible. It wasn't Pete's fault he was feeling awfully angry this whole month. 

"Jackson, please stop being difficult. You're an Avery. You can't act out like this in public." Catherine told him, through gritted teeth, as she dragged him along a hallway leading to the doctor he was supposed to see. 

He didn't care much at the time that he was an Avery, it didn't mean anything to him. He just knew he was having a particularly bad day and he needed to scream. A lot. 

"Honey, please stop screaming." Catherine huffed, looking completely lost as to what to do with a screeching child who was kicking, arms flailing wildly as she carried him to the psychiatric ward to meet a child therapist, with as much grace as she could muster. 

"I don't want to go! I don't want to go!" He bent his body, and let his feet hit the floor, attempting to pull his mother to screeching halt.

"Honey, you have to. The school isn't letting you back until the doctor says you're... fine." Catherine explains, in a hushed voice, both to soothe and avoid scandal. 

"I am fine!" He says indignantly, even though he knows that feeling like you're fine means you want to play on the Nintendo instead of feeling like throwing it across the room. 

"You're not, Jackson. And it's okay. You're da-" 

He screamed as loud as he could, lungs puffed out, and the veins in his throat almost popping through the thin skin. She was going to say a name he didn't want to hear. 

"Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't bring him up. Just... please. Behave." Catherine tried to no avail, since Jackson was still belting out high pitch yells, and she had no option but to carry him into the room. 

 Maybe it was the stillness of the room itself, or the many faces that turned their way when they entered, but the moment they stepped into the room, Jackson went quiet. He looked around, observing the area with his eyes, unsure of what exactly this place was. It had bright coloured walls, and a play area a little off to the place where adults were all seated, flipping through magazines. His mother, finally looking relieved, was asked by a lady seated at a desk, to wait for some time before the doctor could see him. 

 She took Jackson's hand and led him into the play area, "Please, please, play nice." 

 He turned around, a scowl permanently etched on his face, as he walked forward, kicking all the toys that lay in his path as hard as he possibly could. There were 2 kids to the right, coloring and a little girl who was playing in the toy house all by herself. He chose a spot nearer to the door, sat cross legged, and took to the task of throwing any object in his vicinity as far as he possibly could. He did this for a while, happy with the rush he got every time a toy bounced so hard it almost broke.

 "Hi." 

 He stopped, a toy truck in hand, wheels almost falling off from being thrown numerous times, and looked to his right. 

 "I'm April Kepner. But you can call me April. Do you want to be my husband?" 

 He blinked, completely taken aback by this bold little girl in front of him, who was holding out her hand towards him. Her red hair was pulled up by two pigtails, and she had on a pair of dungarees, a wide smile, and a pair of massive glasses, she kept pushing up her nose. 

 "Me and Lizzy are playing house," She clarifies, pointing to a battered down doll, "I'm her mommy, and so if we get married, you can be her daddy."

 He turns red, and his hands ball up into fists. He didn't want to play house with this girl. She was annoying, and he hated her. Just like he hated everyone, especially his dad. 

 "I don't want to play a stupid game with you. Leave me alone!" He yells at her, and although most kids he knew, now flinched around him, April seemed to stay steady. 

 "It's not a stupid game." She insists, and smiles wider, "We have to go to work, and come home, and look after Lizzy. Like mommy's and daddy's do." 

 "It's a stupid game because not all daddy's do that!" He tells her, rolling his eyes. Some daddy's don't come back home. 

 "What do you mean?" She asks, putting her hands into her pockets. 

 "Nothing." He mumbles, because he doesn't talk about that day. 

 He doesn't talk about the day his daddy said he'd just be going to work, and he never came back after that. He doesn't talk about how Jackson had waited every day for a whole month, on the step outside his house, like he always does. Maybe he'd gone on a trip, Jackson had thought, he'll come back. He always goes on trips, but he always comes back. He'd waited, and waited, thought of all the stories he'd tell his dad when he came home, and all the games they'd play. He couldn't wait. He sat there, on that step, from the time he got home from school, all the way until the sun had set, waiting for his dad to just come home. He'd done that, until his mom had patted his head, and told him, in the same tone she used when his pet goldfish Frank had died, that dad wasn't coming back. 

 "Dads are dumb. I don't want to be a dad." He tells her, and she thinks this over for a second. 

 "Hm, then you can be the mom!" She tells him, gleefully, and Jackson feels like laughing for the first time in a while. 

 "I can't be the mom, stupid." He tells her, and instantly feels bad when she looks hurt. 

 "Hey! Don't call me stupid. I'm really smart. I read a lot, and know big words, like approximately."

 Jackson nodded, quite impressed, and muttered an apology. 

 "It's okay," She smiles, "So do you want to be the mom?" 

 Jackson nods, hesitatingly. He doesn't want to play, but there was something about April he now decided that he quite liked. 

 "Okay." Because at least moms don't leave. 

 "Why do you hate dads?" She asks, and he purses his lips, before he relents. 

 "They leave you." 

 "No they don't." She argues, looking baffled. 

 "Mine did." Jackson shrugs, carefully picking up Lizzie from April. 

 "Oh." She says, and pouts for a moment, "Well then he's a bad daddy." 

 Jackson looks up at her, and feels angry for a second. He new he should probably defend his father, but even at 7 years old he knew it wasn't true. 

 "Yeah he is." 

 "Is that why you're so mad?" She asks him, and Jackson takes a while before he nods, "Well, that seems fair. I'd be so angry if my daddy left too." 

 He didn't know there would be anyone who'd think he was right to feel the way he did.

 "Thanks." 

 She smiles at him, a toothy grin, and Jackson notices how she's missing a couple of teeth, but she was cute for a girl, even though rumour was they all had cooties. 

 "Hey Jackson," April says, as they get ready to go to work, and he feeds Lizzy with a tube they're pretending is a bottle, "I won't leave. I'm going to be the best daddy!" 

 He smiles, and something happens for the first time since his dad left. He doesn't feel so angry anymore. 

 Hit me like a ray of sun

Burning through my darkest night

You're the only one that I want

Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again

But this don't even feel like falling

Gravity can't forget to pull me back to the ground again

 “Hey, April!”

 His best friend, who was sitting cross legged on the floor, near the play area, looked up from her book, and waved him over. She was wearing a sweater with a long skirt, and had apparently broken her glasses from the looks of it, since it was being held together by a white plaster of some sort.

 April and him had been friends ever since they’d met when they were seven years old, right here, in the waiting room of Mass Gen’s psych ward. Now they were both 14, and they still came here every Friday. She made these appointments his mother forced him to go, more bearable.

 When he reaches her, she scoots over to make space for him, as he takes a seat, pushing his legs in front of him.

 “What are you reading?” He asks, peaking at the words in her books, which were far too small for his liking.

 “Ulysses by James Joyce. It’s the Latinised name of the hero, Odysseus in Homer’s poem Odyssey. It's really interesting because throughout the novel you see parallels of the poem and the novel, like the characters structural experiences and the thematic exploration of modernism-”

 He chuckles quietly to himself, as April basically narrates a book report right in front of him. She was a bit of nerd, and he said that with pride. His best friend was one of the smartest people he knew. Heck, that’s why she was here in the first place. As a kid, April had never paid attention in class, and her teachers had found her difficult to teach since she doesn’t seem to be interested in her lessons. Her parents had gotten worried and brought her here, just to make sure April didn’t have any learning difficulties. Turns out, it was quite the opposite. She wasn’t challenged enough, because she was too smart for the grade she was in. So, she’d gotten bumped up a few grades, and was now a high school student at 14.

 “Sounds boring.” He teases, and pushes her with his elbow.

 “Shut up! It’s really good. It’s just-” She bites her lip, and hesitates.

 “Unnecessarily overcomplicated and a tiny bit over hyped?” He guesses, and she shyly chuckles before agreeing.

 “Yeah. It is. But it’s still good though.” She says, and closes the book before placing it back into her bag pack.

 “Says you, nerd.”

 She pushes him away, and rolls her eyes, 

 “How was school?”

 "Same old, same old. Nothing exciting,” He shrugs, trying to act as nonchalant as possible.

 April stares at him, eyes narrowed and he can tell that she knows he’s bluffing.

 “I know when you’re lying! What happened?”

 He waits a second, letting her grow slightly impatient as she whines for him to stop being an asshole, and just tell her.  He gives in, smirking fully, as he deposits his report card on her lap. She opens it up, and begins to squeal so loud she gets hushed by Nurse Ria.

 "Sorry,” She mutters to Ria, as she throws her hands over his shoulders, hugging him tightly, “I told you, you could do it”

 He grins at her, and nods his head, “You did. Thank you for tutoring me… and you know, for believing in me and stuff.”

 He’s awkward with these kind of talks, but he really wants her to know how much he appreciates her friendship. His family never really cared to push him. His mom excused pretty much anything he did because of his dad, and his grandfather didn’t see any potential in him, which he never once failed to remind him. Jackson was just a sad, pretty face and he knew that nothing was expected of him. Well, by his family at least. April, on the other hand, had spent the last couple of months, tutoring him and pushing him trying to prove to him that if he worked hard, he could be really smart. He’d been unwilling at first, but the more time went on, Jackson had realized that he wasn’t failing because he wasn’t smart, but because no one cared enough to tell him otherwise. Except for April. So when he’d received his report with all A’s, he knew there was just one person he wanted to show it to.

 “I am so proud of you.” She smiles at him, her eyes beaming and her tone so genuine. His stomach did that weird flip it did whenever she looked at him like that. He wasn’t sure why.

 “So what’s up with you?” He asks her, as she hands him his report back.

 She opens her mouth as if to say something, and then shakes her head, faking a smile, “Nothing.”

 “You know, I can read you too, right?” He asks, and she drops her smile, instead choosing to pout, “April, come on, tell me. Did someone do something? Did they say something?”

 “They always do that.” She shrugs, as if she’s used to it, even though she really shouldn’t have to be. April had never had an easy time fitting in. She was smart, imaginative and a little strange, and even though those were all his favorite things about her, it also meant that she was an easy target for bullies. It also didn’t help that her classmates were all almost 4 or 5 years older than her. It was another reason why she still came here.

 “Hey, come on. Tell me.”

 She takes a deep breath and turns to him, “It’s so stupid, I shouldn’t even be upset.”

 He raises his brows at her, and clears his throat, putting on his best impression of their psychiatrist, Dr.Jones, “Your emotions are always valid. You have a right to be upset about even the smallest, most inconsequential of things.”

 April laughs, but it feels too forced, and it makes him want to punch whoever hurt her.

 “We have senior prom coming up, and I didn’t even want to go. You know I don’t like parties,” She tells him, and he nods, “Anyway, Jake, this guy in my biology class, asked me to go with him, and he’s… cute and kind of smart, so I said yes.”

 Jackson unconsciously clenches his fist. He already didn’t like where this story was going.

 “So, it turns out, it was all going to be a prank. He wasn’t going to turn up on that day. I overheard them when I went back after class to get this book I’d left behind.”

 She wipes her eyes, and he watches a stray tear roll down her cheeks. What a dick, he thinks. What kind of a horrible, disgusting, pathetic human being has to make someone feel like this so that they can feel better about themselves? April didn’t deserve this. Heck, no person deserved this.

 "What a fucker.” He mumbles, and April look shocked at how cold he sounds.

 “Jackson, don’t curse.” She mutters back, as she quickly shoots a glance around the room.

 “Do you want me to beat him up?” He asks, all serious, because even though he was younger than this guy, Jackson was quite built for his age, so he could probably take him out. He would, for her.

 “Don’t be ridiculous. If you do anything stupid like that I will go straight to your mother, okay?”

 “Whatever.” He mutters, but he knew she wasn’t joking about that.

 “April Kepner.” Nurse Ria, points at the door, indicating to April that she could go in.

 “We’re still on for tomorrow, right?” She asks, standing up, and patting her skirt down. They had movie night every Saturday at his place.

 “Yeah,” He says, but there’s something else he’s itching to ask her.

 “April?”

 “Hm?”

 He gulps, wondering when he’d gotten so nervous, “Do you… do you maybe want to go to prom with me?”

 She looks confused for a while, and a little astounded at his question.

 “You mean your junior prom?”

 He nods.

 “Yeah. All our friends will be there. Alex, Cristina, Lexie and Mark.”

 She smiles, “I do miss the gang.”

 “So, you… want to go?”

 She looks at him, and blushes, tugging on her bag.

 “April, go in!” Nurse Ria ushers her, clearly impatient.

 She looks over her shoulder, and turns back to him.

 “Okay.”

 He grins, almost breaking his jaw.

 “Okay.”

 It's like I've been awakened

Every rule I had you breakin'

It's the risk that I'm taking

I ain't never gonna shut you out

 It had been 2 weeks of hell for Jackson. He sat in the car, head on the steering wheel, thinking about how he wasn't at all ready to go have a therapy session where he'd undoubtedly have to bring up the events of the past 2 weeks. 

 God, did he regret it. He regretted it every single day since it happened. He could barely sleep or concentrate on his classes, he was disengaged from his friends and he didn't really give a shit that he'd been an angry, intolerable douche as his mother loved to remind him. 

 He groaned, realizing he was just delaying the inevitable, and got down from his car. He walked towards the hospital, and caught his reflection on the mirror. He hadn't shaved in a while, and he looked like he felt on the inside, absolutely shitty. 

 "Hi, Jackson. You're early this week." 

 He manages a smile at the receptionist, and nods his head, "Yeah, I, uh, got caught up in a class last week." 

 No he hadn't. He'd come here, sat in his car in the parking lot and waited until he'd seen April leave the hospital, to get down and leave for his appointment. It had only been a week, and it was too fresh. 

 "Alright, well, you'll go in after April." She winks at him, and he lowers his head in shame. Of course, everyone here still thought they were together. 

 He doesn't say anything, instead nods a goodbye and walks towards the room. He slowly opens the door, and heads inside, while some faces look up to see who had entered. He smiles at Jake, a 32 year old with severe social anxiety. They never talked, but sometimes Jackson would play video games  in the waiting room with him, until April was done. 

 April. There she was, tucked into a corner, seemingly reading through some notes from class. She looked amazing, he thought. She was wearing a pale blue skater dress, with sandals, and her red hair was piled at the top of her head in a messy bun. April was, as always, effortless. 

 He hesitates for a slight second, wonders if he should maybe stay outside the waiting area for some more time, but honestly it would make him more of a coward than he already was. 

 He walks up to her, and she senses his presence, tearing her eyes from her notes to glance up at him. She looks up at him, and her face is conflicted with a mixture of emotions. She looks sad, angry and resigned. The worst thing is through it all he sees what he saw that night, when she told him she loved him, and he had gotten too scared to say it back. 

 "Can I sit here?" Jackson asks, softly, pointing to the two chairs in the corner.

 She nods, and looks away from him, as he sits down, throwing his bag on the other chair. 

 They sit in silence for a while, before he decides he needs to say something, because damn it, he misses her. 

 "How are you?" He asks and she turns to face him. It breaks his heart once more when he sees the bags under her eyes and the pale skin, and red eyes. He did this to her.

 She frowns, clearly annoyed by his question, and even he has to admit it was a dumb one. 

 "I'm sorry, that was a really stupid question." He laughs, humorlessly. 

 He knows he's really fucked up when she doesn't even reply. Heck, he knew he really fucked up the moment she'd stormed out of his room, crying her eyes out 2 weeks ago. They'd tip toed around each other for the majority of their teenage years, after they'd gone to junior prom and lost their virginity to each other. When they’d gone to college he’d finally grown the balls to ask her out, and when they'd started dating, Jackson had thought they'd finally figured it out.

 "April, I-I really am so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. God, April, that's the last thing I want to do." He tells her with a melancholic smile on his lips, "I regret it, so damn much, but... I don't know, it's for the best? Trust me, it's is. You don't... you don't want to love me."

 She sighs, and shakes her head, letting her hair fall over her face. He knows she does this when she's mad at him and wants to block him out, but it's an indication she's listening so he goes on. 

 "Do you hate me? Please don't hate me." He whispers. 

 "I don't hate you." 

 She tells him, rolling her eyes, finally coming out of the hair veil she had going on. 

 "Yeah?" 

 "Of course I don't hate you, Jackson! That's the whole problem! The problem is I love you so much that it almost feels unhealthy." She groans, burying her face in her hands. 

 "April-" 

 "No!" She yells, a little too loud, and her face flushes having remembered that they're in public. She settles on a stern, hushed tone, "You don't get to do this, Jackson. You don't get to break me, and then come here and say you're sorry, and act like regretting it will make everything alright again. It doesn't work like that!" 

 "I didn't think that. I swear I didn't. I just wanted to explain-" 

 "Explain what? That you don't love me back? Don't worry, message received. Loud and clear. Just... please leave me alone, Jackson. Go back to avoiding me like you've been doing these last 2 weeks. Go back to acting like we never happened." 

 Yes, he had avoided her. He'd intentionally avoided places she visits, and kept to his campus. She goes to Yale, and he goes to Harvard, something he'd for once be grateful for. He just couldn't bear seeing her, and be reminded of the choice he'd made. 

 "Okay, you're right. I avoided you. I'm sorry. I should've handled that better." 

 "You don't say." She replies, sarcastically. 

 "But don't... don't say I don't- that I don't-" His words fail him, like they did that day, when he needs it the most. 

 He waits for a second, gathers his thoughts. He had to make a decision, because one thing was for sure. He did love her. It was that overwhelming realization that had led to them breaking up in the first place. He loved her, but he had no idea what love was. He wouldn't ever try to love April without knowing exactly how to love her right. But, he also needed her in his life. Selfish or selfless? Maybe he was too young to make the right choice. Either way, she needed to know why.

 "I have never felt like this. I've never felt so overwhelmed by something, by someone, like I do with you. April, everything I feel for you, overwhelms me. And it's scary. It's terrifying, because I know I'm just going to end up failing you." 

 He admits, and looks up at her staring back at him, completely shocked. She'd definitely not guessed that, he could tell. God knows what conclusions she'd come to, with all her insecurities and anxieties. 

 "What? No you won't." She says, as if the mere thought was ridiculous. 

 "I will, April! I will! I don't know how to love someone. I'll screw it up and I'll hurt you, more than I already have, and you'll hate me. I can't have you hating me." He'd give her up, if it was for her best. Selfless, it is then. 

 "No, no, you won't. I know you won't." She insists. 

 "April-" 

 "No! You listen here. You are not your father. You are not Robert. You're Jackson. You are a completely different person. I know he screwed you up, Jackson, I know that. But are you really going to let him screw everything up for the rest of your life? Don't give him that kind of power!" She pokes him in the chest, once, twice, to prove her point. 

 She takes in a deep breath, and calms herself, considering her outburst had gotten her riled up. 

 "I'm not saying you have to love me-"

 "I do." 

 She smiles at him, a warmth reaching her eyes that had only minutes ago looked dead. How could he not love her when she knew him better than anyone else?

 "Yeah?" She asks, and he nods.

 "You're just scared to say it out loud?" 

 He nods, again.

 "Well then you should've just told me that, doofus!" 

 He pushes him back, and he lets himself have a laugh for the first time since he'd called them off, since he'd decided that he wasn't someone who deserved April.

 She places both her hands in his face. 

 "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I know you think you're unlovable, Jackson, because you think he couldn't love you but that's not true. I love you. I love you so much. I-" 

 She was the ultimate risk. The blind jumping into a bottomless pit. But God, was she worth all the damage it could do. 

 "Love you. I love you." 

 She kisses him then, and he can almost feel the older man next to him rolling his eyes at their public display of affection. She pulls back, studies him, and kisses him once more. 

 "You are not him." 

 He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't deny it either. 

 April brings an arm to his shoulder and lightly pulls his body towards her. She brings her mouth towards his ear, and gently bites on the lobe. 

 "Want to skip today?" She murmurs, and like the 20 year old, hormonal boy he is, he can feel himself embarrassingly react to just her words, "Maybe, some makeup sex? I hear it's really good." 

 He smirks, and surreptitiously puts his hand under her dress, snapping the elastic of her underwear. 

 "Well, let's go find out." 

Everywhere I’m looking now, 

I’m surrounded by your embrace, 

Baby I can see your halo, 

You know you’re my saving grace,

You’re everything I need and more

It’s written all over your face

Baby, can feel your halo

Pray it won’t fade away

“Mom, remember that Samuel tends to walk around a lot, so keep an eye on him even if you put him in the play pen, and Harriet will fuss for April at bedtime so just play that recording I sent to your phone, and she’ll calm down.”

Jackson tells his mother, as he walks paces the hallway outside of the now very familiar waiting room, although he comes here less often over the years and it looks very different than it did when he first came here. He listens to his mother rattle on about how she’s perfectly aware and capable of handling her own grandchildren, and that he should stop worrying about this, and worry about something that actually required his attention, like his marriage. It was, after all, the reason why he was back here, after almost 5 years.

He cuts the line, after telling her to stay out of his business, and goes back inside to rejoin his wife. He walks up to her, and sees her attempting to sit down on the chair, with an 8 month pregnant belly, which he knew now, after 2 other babies, was no easy feat.

“Hey, hey, let me help.”

She stares daggers at him, but nonetheless takes his hand, and lets him sit her down. She doesn’t thank him these days. She’s not very amicable towards him at all these days, and honestly, he doesn’t blame her. He’s been a little impossible to like as of lately.

“How’s the baby?” He asks, placing a hand on her belly.

“Kicking on my bladder, doing cartwheels around my belly and craving raisin pudding. I hate raisin pudding. Basically, making my life as difficult as possible. That’s how I’m sure it’s your child.” She gives him a withering look, as she uncomfortably adjusts herself on the chair.

He shakes his head, used to the jabs she takes at him nowadays, “Is that why you’re sure? Not because you recall that vacation in Cancun when you wanted me so bad, you refused to let me get up and go get a condom?”

She widens her eyes, and as she used to do even back then, when he’d said or done something inappropriate in this waiting room, quickly scans the crowd to see if they’re listening. Once she realizes they aren’t, she turns back to him.

“I’m not in the mood to joke with you, Jackson. If you’re feeling particularly talkative today, please feel free to instead talk to our therapist about-”

“There is nothing to talk about, April. God, we’re just wasting our time here.”

She scoffs at him, “It’s nice to see that you think saving our marriage is a waste of your time.”

“That’s not fair! You know that’s not what I-”

“Doctors Avery, if you could maybe try to resolve your issues in my office and not the waiting room, that would be great. I can assure you I’m more qualified of an audience than Lilly over here.”

Rashida, their counselor, points to the 5 year old little girl who sees enamored by their hushed argument.

April flushes a bright red, and gets up with his help, to follow Rashida into her office. They sit down, and the tension settles back in.

“Alright, did we do our homework for this week?” Rashida asks, staring earnestly at them.

“Yes.” April nods, albeit too enthusiastically, and he smirks at how his genius of a wife never stopped being the cute nerd who taught him the word ‘approximately’.

“Okay, then, April would you like to tell me what you’ve written down. Now remember Jackson, this is a list of all the things you did that affected April negatively. I don’t want you interrupting until she’s done.” He warns her, because he had a tendency to be quite defensive.

“Okay, so he’s been more and more distant lately-”

“Oh come on!” He groans, and immediately looks bashful since it had only been a second since he’d been told not to interrupt and he was already doing it, “Sorry.”

“So he’s been distant. He keeps trying to distract me with sex, and honestly, I’m over that. And last week, he yelled at me because I asked him if he wanted my help giving Harriet a bath. It’s like he thinks I’m questioning him as a parent, and-”

He sighs, as April lists off all his recent failures as a husband. He hates that she feels so disappointed. It was not at all his intention, to ever hurt her or make her feel like they’re marriage wasn’t strong enough. When they’ve gotten married, he’d made her promise him that divorce would never be an option for them. So last month when she’d given him the ‘therapy or else’ ultimatum, he knew she didn’t mean a divorce, but that the word would become an option for her.  

“I just want him to open up to me. I just want him to stop telling me nothing is wrong-”

“Nothing is wrong, April. I am fine, I keep telling you this, but you’re not listening to me. You’re reading into nothing.” He groans, running a hand over his face.

“That’s not true. I’ve known you since I was 7 years old, Jackson! I’ve been your best friend for almost 28 years, we’ve been married for over 10 years. I know you! I know when you’re upset.” She insists.

“April, I love you. I love our kids. My life revolves around the three of you. I live for the three of you. Is that not enough?”

“Of course I know you love me, Jackson, that’s not the problem. I love you too, so much. I just don’t think my husband should go through something that is making him into someone I don’t recognize because of it.”

“Did you know Dr.Jones was my father?”

They break their gazes away from each other to look at Rashida.

“Really?”April asks, sounding pleasantly surprised.

“Small world.” He comments.

Rashida smiles warmly, “Did you know you were his favorite patients? He used to talk about the two of you at home. Of course, he never said any names, but after reading your files, I figured out it out. He thought it was crazy romantic that you two met here, at seven, and ended up dating. He loved that you two asked him to come to your wedding. It’s sad he passed away before it happened.”

“It broke our hearts.” April admitted, and he did remember how sad she was that he couldn’t be there. They hadn’t even been able to make it to the funeral.

“Did you know that you two talked about each other at every single one of your sessions?” She asks, and they both nod, knowingly but surprised that the other also did the same, “It’s sweet. Aprils talked about how she finally found someone that seemed to truly like her, and Jackson talked about how he’d found someone he could maybe picture himself having a family with. You found healing, not only within yourselves, but also within each other. I just… urge you not to forget about your incredible history. Remember this when you’re confused about Jackson’s feelings or when April seems to read into yours a little too much, just don’t forget-”

“I found my dad.”

The silence that set in the room was so loud, Jackson wished someone would say something. April looked so shocked, her mouth slightly open and her eyes wide. She gasps, as she brings a hand up to her mouth.

“You….uh…. dad… um, what?” She stutters, eyes rapidly blinking, trying to decipher this information.

“I found him. I hired this guy to look into him, and he finally found him. He lives in Montana. He owns a bar and he sells chicory coffee on Etsy. It’s really fucking weird.”

“Oh, honey.”

April scoots closer to him, taking hold of his hand, and hugging it to her chest.

“Why didn’t you tell me this? Gosh, Jackson, I can’t believe you dealt with all that by yourself.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t want to worry you. I know how you get with my dad, April. You feel bad, and you think talking to him is going to solve it, and I don’t know what I even want to do with this information. I’m torn between wanting to talk to him, and punching his lights out, or both,” He admits, and then looks sheepishly at April. He knew she didn’t like any kind of violent talk, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’d like to punch him myself, to be honest.” She says, and he smiles at her.

“Look, Jackson, it’s definitely up to you, but from what I read in your files, you always talk about closure. Maybe this is the closure you’ve always wanted.” Rashida says, and he shrugs. He’s torn between that and never wanting to see him again.

“I just want you to tell me when you’re going through something this big. I’m your wife, Jackson. You don’t have to deal with this alone.” April tells him, running a hand through his hair, “I will come with you, if you decide to go. I will be there for whatever you need. I am your wife. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”

If Jackson was to look at his life through a series of snapshots, the one person who would always be there was April. When his father had left, all those years ago, there had been a hole in his life, he’d never thought he could fill, but as fate would have it, he met April. April his friend, April his best friend, April his girlfriend, and April his wife. They’d all filled up that gaping hole, bit by bit, piece by piece until there were only faint scars of what had happened.

“Thank you.” He says, as he leans forward and kisses her.

If there was a thing as a guardian angel, well he’d found his at seven, and he had held on for dear life.

Baby, I can feel your halo, 

Pray it won’t fade away. 

THANK YOU FOR READING! 

I’m not too happy with this one, so sorry if it wasn’t all that good <3

[justanalto]

re procrastinates writing, 10/6 edition

got tagged by @aleksandrachaev to talk ships (unfortunately not the one stuck in the suez canal) <3

1. First Ship - like many eight year olds at the time, i was positively obsessed with high school musical to the point where it's a core memory. i know all of the words to every song even fifteen years later. (oh god high school musical is fifteen years old help). i was a hearty troyella shipper, and my old fanfic is rotting away somewhere, i think.

2. First OTP - simon and isabelle from the shadowhunters series. i just thought isabelle was neat! and so was simon!

3. Current Favorite Ship - this morning i went down the kiradax rabbit hole. i have fallen very far. but also right now i'm absolutely in love with jola because jola

Not sure what happened to number 4 either :P (you murdered it probably)

5. Ship(s) You Wish Had Been Endgame - clintasha forever and always. also i wish sanvers had been endgame but the cw clearly cannot keep a good hold of its contracts. clexa, which. unfortunate. recently i became slight bechloe trash so uh. that too. also kiradax because ds9 is technically finished. also give me the quodo and garashir because dammit everyone's good. eddie and ana nooooooo

in the grey's anatomy edition: god i miss calzona, rip merder, THE SLEXIEEEEEE, give me back japril or i'll cry, but also arizona and carina were so good together too. i will n e v e r forgive the writers for jolex. EVER. they were supposed to be endgame!!!!

6. Ship You Wish Was Canon - rn? i love a good merhayes (and have completely forgotten who scott is i won't lie), supercorp, i'd kind of die for a good rhys x bryce, i got kidnapped into watching the big leap so currently rooting for paula and mike. (nick and mallory or i riot) and, of course, jola :))))

7. Ship That Most of the Fandom Hates but You Love - supercorp, i'm sorry everyone

8. You Don't Even Watch the Show, but You Ship It - also supercorp because i don't even watch supergirl anymore fhdsjflhldsjkfdsf. i also don't even watch waverly earp but i ship that ship. and sara x ava even though i don't watch LoT

9. Ship You Wish Had a Different Storyline - y'all i've been super bitter about sanvers since 2017 and i'll continue to be bitter about it to the bitter end. cw manage your contracts better challenge and yes the same applies to t100 goddamnit. i also wish they'd stopped using fitzsimmons as a disaster play every week, tbh. huntingbird?? they deserved better than to get written off like that abc fuck off

10. Favorite Ship(s) That's Endgame - SYDELENA MY BELOVEDS even though odaat got cancelled :/ but also literally every bones ship there was aka booth x brennan! hodgela! cam and arastoo! especially hodgela i miss them oh my gosh. hen and karen out there with denny also my beloveds :))

tagging: anyone who wants to do this because ships are so fun to talk about hehehe :)))

[faberryskywalker]

So @doctorkepner tagged me in this thing where I have to post my favorite selfies of 2017. I only have 4 selfies because I don’t take that many.

2017 started off pretty rough for me. I had to say goodbye to something that I’ve known for like 12 of the 15 years of my life. That thing was my dog Sadie. 2017 started to get much better when March came around and that basically lasted until October of this year. Tragedy has struck my family a lot over the past few months. I also had to deal with coming to terms with my sexuality and stuff like that which I literally just did like 2 weeks ago. Even though 2017 was a sucky year overall for me, I choose to see the light and look at the accomplishments I made. I made it to being on the honor roll the whole year. Most of the year was high honors of course. I haven’t done that since I was in 6th grade. I somehow was able to forgive my father for all that he did. I do hope that 2018 will maybe bring him back into my life. It definitely won’t go back to how it was when I was younger, but there’s many people out there who don’t have a dad and would probably wish for anything that they had the chance to do so. I’m going to jump on the chance of having a relationship with my dad again. I’m hoping that 2018 will continue to bring me times where I need strength, but not like it has been in 2017.

Holy shit you all, I have had this blog for over a year now. This is the first time I believe that I did a face reveal.

I tag: @japrilotp @averysparkle @slexiejapriljolex @slexiesanatomy @japril @jacksonandapril

[japrildaily]

Hello dear Japril shippers! Over a month ago season 13 of Grey's Anatomy ended. I decided it's about time to give some attention on our favourite ship. It's good occasion to bring some happiness in the fandom. Last year you could be a part of 30 days with Japril so this year Japril Appreciation Week is coming back!

Some informations:

Japril Appreciation Week 2017  is from 24th to 30th July.

You can participate by making gifs, graphics, videos, picspams, writing fanfics, notes etc.

Tag your posts with #japrilweek2017

If you have any question, you can ask me here.

Schedule:

Day 1: Funny moment(s)

Day 2: Favourite parallels

Day 3: A song or quote that remind you of them

Day 4: Favourite episode(s)

Day 5: AU / A scene you wish happened

Day 6: Favourite scene that you can watch over and over again

Day 7: Free choice

[thisthatandotherstuff]

Rasende Gedanken - 3/15/2017

Halo!

Thanks to the arrival of FFX Remastered and Japril the Sequel I have lots and lots of random ass thoughts running through my head tonight so it will be interesting to see how long it takes for my mind to chill out long enough to fall asleep.

For the past six months I’ve been using hypnosis to fall asleep. I’m not really all that sure the hypnosis part works, but between the music and the soothing voice to concentrate on I’m usually able to fall asleep without the help of too many narcotics. 

It also helps when I’ve had a pretty chill day at work and our clients weren’t being too demanding. Somedays I really love what I do and the field I’m in and then other days I want to tell them to all go fuck themselves.

Today wasn’t an I love my job day, but I didn’t want to tell anyone to go fuck themselves so I’m putting it in the win column. 

I find my ADHD jumps into overdrive when I go weeks with adding stuff to my To Do list versus crossing anything off so I’m trying this experiment where I have to do my best to accomplish one thing every day. It doesn’t matter how big or small that task is as long as by the end of the day I can mentally cross it off my list.

I know some people with ADHD love making actual lists, but for me the desire is there without any of the follow through. Which when I think about it I end up berating myself because I couldn’t manage to get something as simple as making a list and bringing it with me accomplished. Life’s too short for that nonsense. 

When I was first diagnosed as ADHD I opted out of taking medication because I figured I had lived and survived this long without it I could keep going, but I gotta admit I’m thinking of giving it a try. 

Although one of my worries is if I do start taking medication will my personality in any way change? It has taken more than 30 years to get comfortable with myself and genuinely like who I am as a person and learning to accept my ADHD was a big part of that and I don’t want to lose that part of myself. 

~Bis Morgen~

[calzona-ga]

Are "Grey's Anatomy's" April and Jackson actually on their way to happy ending? Well, let's see what a road trip does to their relationship.

Sarah Drew, who plays one half of the up-and-down couple, says that there's a big Japril episode ahead as the series resumes its 13th season that will have the oft-dallying doctors on a business trip together ... away from the confines of Grey Sloan Memorial.

Meanwhile, the actress -- the mother of two children with her husband, academian Peter Lanfer -- admits that, as thrilled as she was to dive back into the "Grey's" drama, there's a pang of mommy guilt every time she heads off to work. Moviefone: What can you say about where we're picking up with April and Jackson as the season restarts? Sarah Drew: Well, there's a lot of fun things in store, especially for Japril coming up. We have actually -- it's going to air in March -- but a whole episode dedicated just to the two of us, where we go on a trip to Montana together for a case, a throat transplant. And it's really pivotal for the two of them, individually and also as a pair. But it's a really incredible opportunity for them to be kind of still and have to face one another with nothing else distracting them out of the normal environment. And we're really, really proud of it. Kevin McKidd directed it. It's very different, tonally, than a lot of the other episodes. There's a lot of quiet space and stillness. It's not like frantic and moving super-fast. And it's really lovely. How do you feel about them as a couple? Are they meant to be together? Yes -- yeah. I think so. I mean, they've been through so much, and they still have so much love for one another. And they just need to get past their sh*t. As an actress, you're not like, "Can you bring in somebody new to kiss?" Nah. I already have two men that I'm regularly making out with. They don't need to throw another one in there! How is your husband with this onscreen relationship? It's always weird, but what's wonderful is that both Jesse [Williams] and I are super-professional. And we always have been. And super-married. Super-married, super-have-children. There's a really good separation that exists, but we have a really great working relationship together. We're good friends. It's totally safe in terms of my husband's perspective. How's mommyhood treating you? My daughter just turned two, and my son is about to turn five. And we're doing a "Harry Potter" birthday party because we've been reading the "Harry Potter" books. My husband has been reading them to him, and so he's on the second to last one. And he is, like, incredibly invested. My son is also obsessed with all things costume. He loves dressing up. So it's a costume party. Everybody has to come. So my daughter is Professor Umbridge. I'm Tonks, and he's Harry, obviously. And my husband is Mr. Weasley. As you headed back to work after hiatus, did you feel a little pang of parental guilt? Oh, yes. I feel like the whole women-can-have-it-all -- there are elements about that that are definitely true, yes. But I also feel like it's kind of a great, big lie. I say that only because I agree that women can have all of the elements, one-hundred percent they can. But there will always be a tug and a push and a pull, and you will always feel like you're sacrificing something for something else -- always. I don't know how anybody can ever get around that. It is inherent in our DNA, and maybe people would disagree with me. But that has been my experience. I will say there are times when my daughter reaches for the nanny before she reaches for me, and my heart breaks a little. But I really, really love my job. And I'm a much more present mom because I go and do something that I love a lot, and I feel very fulfilled by it. And I come home refreshed and energized to be mom. So it's an interesting balance. And I think I'm going to be challenged by it forever, and I welcome that challenge. And it's a good challenge. Have you ever been taken in by the breadth of medical information you've recited on the show and think, "I think I know what's wrong with you"? No, no. Do not trust me with anything medically related! The only thing that I feel like I've gleaned is that when my kids fall and clonk their heads, I immediately check their pupils to see if one is bigger than another. And I keep them awake for a while to make sure, and stimulate them to make sure they're not getting drowsy. There are a lot of things that I feel like I've said as a "doctor" and then I find myself doing. When you've had some time off, what's it like that first day back on the "Grey's Anatomy" set? It's interesting, because on the one hand, I'm super-psyched to be back because I love my job. I really do -- I love the people that I work with, and I crave routine so intensely. But being home with the kids for the whole two-week Christmas break ... "Where's the nanny now?" Yes, that's exactly what I was saying every, single day. [Laughs] Oh, that sounds horrible, and now I have a pang of mommy guilt by saying that out loud. But there you go. It is a whole other job that is as consuming and requires different emotional gymnastics than work does. And, sometimes, the emotional gymnastics at work are a hell of a lot easier than the emotional gymnastics at home with the children. So it's different. I crave the balance. I crave having time there and time at home. That's when I am absolute happiest.

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

Japril Appreciation Week: Day 6 ⇒ Favorite scene that you can watch over and over again 

M RATING AHEAD 

Jackson wonders if they were fated to end up like this. If there was something that may have indicated to him, when he first met April in Mercy West, that she would one day end up giving him her virginity, and he would love every single second of it.

April had blown his mind last night. Sure, her inexperience meant that she was careful, cautious with her movements, a little unsure sometimes, he'd never been more into the sex in his whole life. He wanted to be there, he wanted to be present for every single second, and it had been mind blowing how different the sex had felt with her. It had felt... more. That's the only way he could think to describe it.

And then she'd let him sleep next to her, cuddled into his chest, and held him close, and even though he'd always disliked sharing a bed with someone, preferring his own personal space, he'd held on to her just as tight.

He's already dressed, since he was up early. He puts the other shoe on and ties it up, pulling his trouser over it.

He smiles at her sleeping figure, watching the rise and fall on her chest. Her body was covered by the fabric of a thin sheet, but her jostling had pulled it down, to expose a creamy breast. She was a beauty.

He watched her as she moved sleepily moved her hands above her head, and stretched her body. She let them fall on the bed, but the movement had made her breasts stick out towards him, almost invitingly. He didn't want to do anything she may not be comfortable with, because after all, she'd just lost her virginity to him only last night.

But there was this almost magnetic pull towards her, and he'd found out last night, that virgin maybe, but April was by no means shy when it came to sex.

He brought a finger up to her shoulder, tracing the skin towards her collarbone, and feeling goosebumps erupt on her to his touch. It was so sexy that she reacted to him even in her sleep.

He leaned down, shooting a glance up to her face to catch her expression, before he took a bud in his mouth, circling it around with his tongue. He saw her face change, her lips fall open as she sighed so softly. He pulled on it slightly with his teeth, and a small smile began to graze her face.

He smirked against her, as he slipped his hand underneath the sheet and found her other breast, taking a handful and squeezing it, earning a gasp.

He let her go with a pop of his mouth, as he continued dropping kisses down her body, watching her thighs part involuntarily.

He dropped a kiss to her skin, just above her already wet mound, and watched her eyes flutter open in surprise.

"Jackson." She moans, dropping a hand down to grab his curls, and he wonders for a slight second if she plans to ask him to stop, but instead she presses his face against her heat.

"Please?" She asks, and it's the absolutely wanton desire he sees in her mixed with the most innocent sounding request, that makes him dip his head, and eat her out like a starved man, only pulling away when she's bone dry.  

"That-that was... woah." She chuckles, breathlessly.

"Yeah?" He asks her, before tangling a hand in her hair, kissing her feverishly.

She pulls him closer to her by his tie, responding to his lips.

"Who needs an alarm, right?" He grins, while shooting a glance downwards.

"Uh huh." She nods, still in a daze, a wide grin on her face but he can tell she's still coming down from her high.

"Go get dressed." He tells her, dropping a kiss to her chin, before moving away from her.

She giggles and turns around on the bed, pulling the sheet up to her chest, "We had sex last night."

He turns back to her, as he pulls on his jacket, smiling tenderly, "Yeah, we did."

She nods again, still wearing that Cheshire Cat smile.

"I wanna do it again." She whispers, and her eyes go wide, almost as if she was surprising herself with the admission.

He was hoping she'd say that, "Not until I take you out."

"Yeah?" She asks, trying not to let her glee come through, but forgetting momentarily that he could read her like a book.

"Yeah."

"Why are you ready so early?" She asks, her back against her headboard, and her legs stretched out in front of her.

"I need to get my lucky pencil, remember?"

"Oh yes," She chuckles, "You're so lame."

He gasps in fake hurt, "You take that back."

"Nope. Don't want to." She tells him defiantly.

He walks quickly up towards her, and before she can react, pulls her to the edge of the bed. He gets down on his knees, parting her legs in one swift movement.

"I think this might change your mind." He grins mischievously, before setting his mouth on hers to work her again. This time, however, he doesn't come up for air until she's begging him to.

"Is my pencil lame?" He asks, nuzzling her very sensitive nerves with his nose, as her hips thrust up at the sensation.

"Yes." She squeaks out, and he darts his tongue out, before she's pushing at his face, "I'm joking. I can't anymore."

He comes up to face her, and she looks at him, exhausted, "Say it."

"Your pencil isn't lame." She says, and goes to roll her eyes, before he pecks her lips.

"Good."

"I can't feel my legs." She says, "I can't feel them."

He quietly laughs at how genuinely worried she sounds, "You're welcome."

He quickly runs out of the room, dodging the pillow she throws towards him.

Jackson couldn't keep the grin off his face, as he walked down hallway, leading to his mother's room. April, was enchanting. He'd never been so enamored by a person before, but since last night, it felt as if he'd been aimlessly walking around a dark room, and someone had finally switched on the light. It was almost frightening how easy it had been for them to transition into lovers. Sexual chemistry wasn't something that could be faked. It had nothing to do with experience or skills, but more to do with finding someone who's body and presence felt as if it was made for you. He'd long thought that was a bunch of love sick bullshit, until he'd slept with a very virgin April who'd managed to know exactly what to do to get him undone.

He was thinking about how he couldn't wait to get back to her, when he knocked on the door of his mother's hotel room. He could hear the rustling of feet behind the door, and the lock clicking open, and he smiled at the welcoming figure of.... Richard Webber?!

He was confused, so very confused.

"Good morning, Dr.Webber?" He almost asked, tearing his gaze away from his Chief, basically his boss, dressed in a robe, "I, uh thought this was my mom's room. I must have heard her wrong, sorry-"

"Oh, uh, no no, just wait a minute." Richard says, looking just as uncomfortable as Jackson seemed to feel right now.

Jackson stayed put, wondering whether the senior doctor would by any chance have his mother's actual room number, and he was off to retrieve that, when his mother, dressed in a very similar robe, popped her head through the door.

"Morning, baby. Here's your pencil. Okay, now remember-"

Jackson couldn't exactly hear anything, she said next because utter shock on occasion led to momentary incapacity to do anything, but stand very straight, mouth wide open.

"Alright, honey, good luck." His mother, kissed him on the cheek, and closed the door.

Jackson found himself unable to move for a moment, recounting the fact that he had just seen his mother, and Richard Webber, in a room together, dressed in robes. Oh hell no. He was going to be sick. If he didn't get some air, or jump off a high building, he was going to lose his mind.

He found himself speed walking back towards April's room, wanting more than anything to have his best friend to tell him, that she'd noticed how sometimes, he saw things that weren't really there, a mirage of sorts. That's what it was, because no way in hell was Richard Webber banging his mom. Oh hell no.

"Richard Webber is banging my mom."

"What?!"

April, whom he had found in their bathroom, wearing a towel, was in the process of blow drying her hair. Well, right now, she was merely staring at him through the mirror, blow dryer shooting warm air into her stunned face.

He recounted the events of that morning, while April remained on her spot, completely flabbergasted. Why was this happening to him?

"I'm going to fail. I'm going to go the exam room, and then I'm going to be thinking about how Richard Webber banged my mom, and then stood around the room with her wearing matching robes." He yells, quite hysterical at this point, willing himself not to lose his shit, even though he very much wants to.

To top it all off, after the initial shock had worn off, April was laughing. A lot.

"Yes, please, laugh at my pain, April." He rolls his eyes at her, and pouts.

"Aw, I'm sorry," She says through giggles, even though she doesn't sound the least bit sorry at all, "What can I do to make it better, hm?"

She walks up to him, and places her arm around his waist, and he pulls her closer, his fingers toying with the opening of her towel.

"Well, I mean there's one way." He smirks at her, but she swats his hand away when he attempts to slip in between the folds.

"How are you in the mood after that?" She asks him, shaking her head at his constant enthusiasm. It wasn't his fault April could get him going even after a traumatic experience.

He shrugs, and she leans in to him, standing on her tip toes to kiss him, languidly. He deepens the kiss, and she pulls back, but keeps her hands on his face.

"Look, your mom is a gorgeous, smart, strong and brilliant woman, and men like Dr.Webber are going to be attracted to her, and she's going to be attracted to them, because she doesn't stop being a woman, just because she's your mother." April tells him, and he knows she's right. His mother was allowed to date, although she did it sparingly when he was growing up, most probably to avoid hurting his feelings. He was an adult now, so he really had no say.

"Okay, fine, you're right, but why did I have to find out like that?" He groans, dropping his head to her shoulder, reliving the mortifying situation, "Also, Richard Webber of all people. Not only is he my chief, but he's not exactly boyfriend of the year."

"Jackson!" She chastises him, and he kisses her shoulder, before she pulls him up to face her.

"Look, you don't chose who you're attracted to. Sometimes it just happens, and it takes you by surprise, and you can't really fight it." Her voice is a low hum, and she bites her lip towards the end, as she searches his eyes. Who was her to argue with that logic?

"Hm, you're right." He agrees with her, because he hadn't expected to be so in lust with his best friend, that he couldn't keep his hands to himself.

"Of course I am. I'm always right." She pushes her hair behind her shoulders, and smirks. He chuckles in agreement, as he slaps her butt, a little too hard, and she squeals in surprise.

While April was changing, he was seated on the bed, facing the wall, as per her orders, since she didn't want him to see her naked. It made no sense to him at all.

There's a knock on the room door and he raises a brow at April who was covering her chest with her arms, "Oh I ordered room service."

"Great." He smiles, as she disappears behind the wall for him to go and retrieve the food.  

He opens the door, however to his, now fully dressed, mom who looks at him with same kind of confusion he had felt when he'd first gone to her room. She looks at him, creases her brow, and then look down the hallway, and back again at him.

"I thought this was April's room." She asks him.

"Um, yeah it is. What are you doing here?" He asks, trying to stall the conversation until April is hopefully fully dressed.

"Well, I came here looking for you, and you weren't in your room so I thought I'd ask April if she'd seen where you were." Catherine explains, slyly peeking into the room.

He blocks her view by moving his body closer to the door, "Oh well, yeah, we thought we'd get some early revising done before the exam."

He lies, hoping he sounds effortless, because he's not ready for his mother to know what happened with him and April. She'll meddle, and make April uncomfortable, and he didn't need that for her before a big exam.

"Oh, okay." She says, sounding a little convinced, "Well, listen, about Richard-"

"Mom, we really don't need to talk about that." He says, shaking his head vehemently.

"Look, honey, I-"

"Jackson, have you seen my skirt anywhere?"

He doesn't exactly need to see April to know she's given them away. He sees his mother's eyes go wide, and sees her gasp in disbelief, before hearing a very loud scream from behind him.

Great.

He turns around, and sees April standing in a sexy as hell, beige lingerie set, as she covers herself with her arms and runs behind the wall.

"So I don't think there's a practical portion to this exam."

He turns back to face his mother, who is standing with her arms crossed in front of her chest, wearing a smirk.

"Mom, don't."

She waves him off, "April, honey, good luck for today."

"Er, thank you, Dr.Avery." April replies, stammering in embarrassment from behind the wall.

Jackson runs his hand over his face, knowing that once you get his mother started, there was no stopping her.

"Baby, how many times do I have to tell you to call me Catherine, hm?" Catherine says, and April mutters a quick sorry, "It's okay, I'm just so glad you finally took my advice. I hope he was good-"

"Oh no! No, no. Off you go. You've done enough damage, already." He tells her, pushing her away, because she, although unintentionally, would make sure April never speaks to him again for the rest of her life.

"Oh alright. I'm going. I'll be expecting you two to have dinner with me tonight, okay? You can fly back to Seattle on our plane the next day." Catherine says, as she shoots him a look that tells him that this is one thing she will to compromise on.

"Yeah, sure, okay. I'll talk to, April." He promises, and attempts to shut the door.

"Hey," Catherine says, holding his chin, pulling his face up to look at her, "I always rooted for this, so don't mess it up."

He smiles, and nods his head, "I won't."

She walks off them, waving at him, and he finally closes the door behind him, exhaling loudly.

He walks to the room, and sees April, still standing very still behind the wall.

"She's gone." He tells her, and almost laughs at how mortified she looks. She's blushing a deep red, and it's spread through her entire body.

"I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole, right now." She groans, falling face first on to the bed, "I am not leaving this room.... forever."

He chuckles, and pulls her up, finding her skirt wedged between the space of the bed and the bed table.

"Trust me, you're fine. She's thrilled about this." He tells her, as she pulls on her skirt.

"I was caught by a doctor and woman whom I admire so much, in my underwear after I've had sex with her son. Don't tell me I'm fine!" She huffs, as she secures the final button of her top, and runs her hands through her curls.

"Well, her son is very happy that you decided to have sex with him." He grins at her, and she rolls her eyes, finally letting herself laugh.

"This is so crazy." She tells him, adjusting his tie.

"Well, that's the Averys for you."

"Yeah, but they're alright." She teases, sticking her tongue out at him.

He shakes his head, softly laughing along, and kisses her lovingly, "Good luck."

She nods, chews on her bottom lip, and pulls her face towards him forcefully, her lips rough against his, and she momentarily, literally, takes his breath away, "Okay, I feel better. Good luck, Jackson."

He's a little awestruck and she blushes when she notices. He loved it when she took the lead with him. That was all the good luck he needed. Maybe it was time, for his pencil to retire.

“I passed!”

Well, that was one of them. Cristina grinned smugly at the rest of the group, trying to convince them that she wasn’t the least bit worried, even though he knew this was far from the truth. They were all aware that each of them were brilliant and intelligent enough to pass, but the exams had gone sour for all of them for many different reasons. Cristina’s examiner had preferred old school techniques over her newer, albeit slightly riskier ones, Meredith had had the awful stomach flu she’d contracted from Zola, Alex had flown back to Seattle in the middle of his exam, April had furiously yelled back at an examiner who’d told her that she couldn’t be a good doctor if she was of faith and he himself had been distracted by his mother being in the room next to him, probably trying to keep an eye on his exam. They all went through their ordeals, and had come out of it more certain that the boards just wasn’t going to go their way. Maybe Cristina would be the exception.

“I passed too!”

And Meredith, it seems. He watched on as the self-proclaimed twisted sisters, hugged each others, basically jumping around for joy. He was a little more nervous now with each pass. What was the statistics again? 1 out of 5 of them would fail. He looked beside him towards April who wiped sweat from her forehead, closing her eyes tight shut, possibly praying. The religion thing he’d found out when she had told him before the exam that she sent out a prayer for him as well. He’d mused to April, although his own knowledge of religion was very limited, if there wasn’t something against the whole pre-marital sex in the bible. She’d assured him that although she would’ve preferred to have been married, it didn’t matter all too much, because she was very happy that it was with him. Her best friend, and now, possibly more. He’d stupidly asked if she was now an outlaw, an enemy of the state of heaven, when she’d laughed and told him, that the religion she believed in was kind, forgiving and understanding, especially of those who were only, supposedly, ‘guilty’ of love.

“I passed! I fucking passed!”

Alex had been the wild card. Jackson’s eyes darted to April’s as they focused on his. This was it. The defining moment for the two of them. The two Mercy Westers, the outsiders. They had more to prove than the other three.  Their phones chimed at the same time, and he quickly opened his app, and pressed on the first email in his account.

Pass. He had passed.

“I passed! I passed! Oh thank you, God!” April squealed happily, before looking at him hopefully, awaiting.

“Pass.”

The doctors all broke into a cheer, happy that their whole unit, who had spent weeks studying together, and as a result bonding with one another, had finally made it through that one final stretch. However, all he could feel was April, who had decided to jump onto him, her legs around his waist, and her arms around his neck, kissing him senseless. What a way to celebrate, he thinks, as he holds her to him, letting her consume him.

He stops when he hears a throat clearing behind him, and April pulls back from him, looking fully flushed, possibly from their small make out session, but more or so from the fact that they had forgotten their friends were standing right there, in front of them, completely unaware of what had transpired between them the night before.

“Please, tell me everyone saw what I saw, because this is the best thing that happened the whole day.” Cristina says,  looking slightly too stunned to understand what she’d just witnessed.

“You mean how Avery and Kepner tried to make a baby in front of us?” Alex asks, looking at them in equal parts disgust and amused.

"When did this happen?” Meredith asks, pointing to the two of them, a little surprised, but the smile in her voice was obvious.

“Um, last night.” And this morning, twice, he wants to say, but refrains himself.

“Do I need to punch him?” Meredith asks, and he narrows his eyes at her. Of course, she’d assumed he’d made the moves on April.

“No, no, you don’t. It was my idea actually,” April chuckles, holding on to his hand, “I kinda jumped him.”

“Damn, Kepner.” Alex laughs, and nudges her shoulder.

“I am proud. Shocked, but proud.” Cristina says.

“Yeah, I’m surprised too, but I’m happy for you two.” She smiles at them, and April grins up at him. He’s happy for them, too.

“I mean, I’m surprised one of you finally grew the balls to make a move, but I’m not surprised it happened,” Alex shrugs at the other doctors, who look confused, “I felt like a constant third wheel when I lived with them. They act like a married couple. It was the worst.”

“Shut up, Alex.” Jackson says, rolling his eyes.

Their bus pulled up as the doctors started to pile on, the conversation shifting from them back to the boards.

“You guys coming?” Alex asks, pulling his bag up the steps.

“No, we have to do dinner with my mom. We’ll fly in tomorrow for the dinner.”

“Meeting the parents. Good luck.” Meredith says to April, offering a hug, as she goes to take her seat.

“Wait, does this mean you’re no longer a virgin? I’m going to have to come up with a new name,” Cristina pretends to think for a while, “How about cherry pop?”

“Goodbye, Cristina.” April calls out, as she pulls him away from the bus, waving to her friends.

“We’ll work on it.” Cristina shouts back, as the door closes.

He looks down at April, and pulls her nearer to his side, bending down to kiss her hair.

“Congratulations.” He mumbles, and she looks up at him, grinning widely.

“I’m so proud of us.” She says.

He leans into kiss her when his mother’s voice interrupts them, “Babies! I’m so proud of you! You’re both so smart. I’m just happy that my grandchildren will be cute andintelligent.”

“Mom!” He yells at her, choking on air, at her mention of grandchildren. What was wrong with her?

“Oh shush, are you ready to go for dinner?” She asks the two of them, and he looks at April. He’s a little surprised at how much desire and lust her sees in her face, and he knows right then, that there’s really only one thing they both want to do.

“Um, mom-”

“Oh, stop, I have eyes. Go off, you two. Just meet me tomorrow for breakfast.” Catherine says, playfully tsking at them.

April stammers, definitely not wanting to cancel any plans with his mother, but he wasn’t about to ruin this opportunity. He was already dragging her hallway through the lobby by the time his mother finishes her sentence.

She suddenly pulls at him, and he wonders why she’s stopping.

“In here.” She says, as she opens the door, and goes in, implying he follow. He quickly takes a look at the sign and does a double take when he notices that it’s the men’s bathroom.

“I can’t wait until we get to the room.” April tells him, seated on the counter of an empty bathroom.

“Really?” He’s pleasantly shocked, but not really. He’s almost giddy.

“Lock the door.”

He didn’t need to be told twice.

THANK YOU FOR READING!

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

#japrilweek2017  has come to an end, and to me and my friend Ann @japril12 decided to write the final fic of our collaboration together. Part 1 will be on her blog, so please read that before you go on to read Part 2 of the story :)  

Japril Appreciation Week: Day 7 ⇒ Free choice

“Can you stay?”

She turns back, looks at him, probably wondering if he’d actually said that. He was a little surprised himself. He hadn’t meant to ask her that. He’d just been thinking about how safe he’d felt when she was here, and how nice it felt to know he had someone like April Kepner on his side. Well, if she forgave him, that is. Regardless, there was something warmer about the bed, when April sat on it.

“Jackson, I-” She chews on her bottom lip, seemingly unsure. Of course, she didn’t want to. They weren’t that close of friends yet, and he wasn’t her favourite person right now. She just came in here to be polite.

“You know what forget it. It’s stupid, you don’t hav-”

She hesitates for a second, before she shrugs her shoulders and slips into the bed, and rests her head on the pillow. He notices that she keeps a safe distance between the two of them, and he muses whether this is the first time she’s shared a bed with a man.

“It wasn’t the same as the ones before, was it?”

He looks at her, and gently nods.

“You said my name…” she almost says it to herself, wondering why he was possibly having nightmares about her.

“I saw you this time, getting shot I…” she shakes his head, willing the memories of his dreams out of his mind.

“What did you see?” She asks him, shifting her body to closer to his.

“You got shot, and you were bleeding. There was… there was a lot of blood. And you were screaming I was trying to get to you, and I couldn’t,” Jackson studies her face as he talks, he’s at least relieved that she doesn’t look at him pitifully. She gets it. “It’s like, you how sometimes in dreams you’re running towards something, but the moment you get closer something just stops you and you can’t go further?”

“Yeah, I know. I hate it when that happens.” she says.

“April, listen, I’m sure you’re sick of hearing me say this, but I really am sorry. If I could take it back, I would. You have nothing to be ashamed of.” He admits, and he looks at her eyes focus deeply on his, “You’re right. I was a really shitty friend. I don’t really deserve your friendship, but I hope you give me another chance.”

April is quiet but at least she’s not yelling at him.                    

“I haven’t got much experience in the friendship department.” He admits, out loud, for the first time ever.

April’s brows come together in confusion. Back at Mercy West he practically had a flock of people hanging onto his every word.  “What do you mean?”

“I’ve never had a lot of friends,” he tells her and she scoffs in that way that where her whole upper body moves and it never fails to make him laugh. “What it’s true!”

“So, I’ve found out your secret shame?” she raises an eye brow, her scepticism dissipating.

“Hey, I can be complex,” he jokes and April giggles and hits him, her hand connects with his chest instead of the sheet which has dropped a bit lower. He notices her blush and pulls it up higher over the both of them.  “People were only interested in me because of what I could offer them. It was never about anything else.”

He watches her contemplate this. He really hopes she lets him in once more. It took him seeing her shot and bloody to realise that out of everyone left at Seattle Grace, April was the only one he actually cared about, and he could bet she felt the same way about him. It was probably why she was so hurt with what he did.

“It’s okay.” she mumbles, and he almost misses it.

“Really?” he blinks.

“Yes,” April whispers and laughs much more loudly this time when he makes an exaggerated relived expression and he knows that they’re okay now, “I forgive you.”

“Good, that’s good.”

“I’m sorry too,” she mutters, her fingers playing with the edge of the blanket, “I shouldn’t have told everyone about your nightmares, it’s really personal and it wasn’t right, no matter how upset I was.”

She would be the type to apologise for something like that. He appreciated it more than she knew, “It’s okay. I mean, I deserved it, anyway. I forgive you.”

She beams at him, and for the first time it occurs to him how absolutely beautiful April was when she smiled. A comfortable silence settles over them, and he yawns, feeling the sleepiness settle back in. He perks up, however, at the sound of her voice.

“I was so scared that you were hurt. I had already seen Reed… dead, and I just kept thinking how I had to find you because I had to make sure you were alive. I couldn’t lose two of my people in one day.” Her voice is low, but there is an unmistakable heaviness to it. She’s trying her best not to cry.

He brings his hand up to her face, and takes her chin in between his fingers, lifting her face up to meet his. He wonders whether this gesture is too intimate, but he knows that tonight has made them both aware that they are, by circumstance and choice, each other’s person.

“You know Charles is… was my best friend, but when I heard about the shooter, the first person I thought about was you. I just wanted to know if you were fine, alive,” he says, and she widens her eyes, clearly not expecting him to reveal this, “You were my favourite.”

He softly chuckles at how it sounds, but it’s true. He’s always been very protective of April, and although tonight was an exception he’d like to forget, a part of had always been relieved that it was April who’d survived too.

His laugh drowns out when he sees tears in her eyes. Shit, he must have said something that was over the line. Maybe all this was too much for her, because they were just acknowledging their place in each other’s lives, or maybe she thinks he’s lying. His actions haven’t lately been speaking louder than his words.

“April, I’m sorry, did I say something wrong, I-”

“No, no… you didn’t, I just… miss them both so much.”

He sighs, and pulls her towards him. He holds her, and rubs her back as she weeps silently into his shirt. He holds her there all the way through the night, until sleep claims them both.

Jackson wakes up to feeling of April’s hair tickling his face. He turns his head and looks at the wide expanse of cool mattress next to him and then back down at April sleeping soundly on top of him. The sight is enough to make his lips turn up.

He doesn’t know how they got this way but he’s not at all bothered by her presence. It’s a pleasing affirmation knowing that April was holding him close through the night. They would definitely be okay.  

He sighs contentedly thinking about how their relationship hasn’t been affected by tragic events. Their legs rest tangled together under the sheets and he feels her arm move from his abdomen, upwards to drape on top of his shoulder. Jackson breathes the scent of her hair in and she pulls him closer.

Jackson shifts his hips a little and its only then his attention moves from April to acknowledge the fact that all this blood has rushed to the south of his body, as like any other morning.

“Oh crap,” he whispers.

April mutters nonsensically, not understanding his distress. She releases a little sound from the back of her throat and it does nothing to quell his situation, if anything it just spurs it on even more. Then she moves her leg and the inside of her thigh brushes against him. He knows if he moves he’ll wake her up but staying in the position that they’re in isn’t at all better. But April feels so soft against him and smells so good, dawn is breaking and its quiet, maybe they could stay like this.

If something feels this good it can’t be bad, can it? No, no these thoughts were bad, very bad indeed.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, it’s then that April takes the opportunity to wake up. She plants a hand in his bare chest to sit up more and smiles down at him sleepily, still oblivious. Jackson wishes he could return it, he’s not sure if he believes in God but if He was up there then he must be laughing at him.

He watches in a quiet panic as her expression changes from serene to red-faced. Yep, she’s felt it.  He’s thankful that his complexion saves him from such physical evidence of embarrassment. She goes to get off him and struggles somewhat, the sheets aren’t helping and then April gestures to him.

“Jackson,”

“Oh sorry,” he apologises moving his arms from around her waist. He didn’t even notice that he was still touching her, it felt so natural.

She separates herself from him but stays sat on the bed.  April makes sure she keeps her eyes on his face and not the sheet. She feels her face warm up and bites her lower lip. The atmosphere in the room shifts, and all he can do is stares down at her mouth. He hears her breath hitch, and he’s happy to know he’s not the only one who feels this unbearable tension that’s settled over them. He leans into to capture her lips, cupping her cheek and she opens her mouth slightly to welcome him.

Just as he relishes in the feeling of the softness of her lips on his own, the alarm clock blares beside him. He curses, and she groans almost angrily. They stare at each other and begin to laugh, happy that the feeling is mutual.

“Do you maybe, I don’t know, want to hit snooze?” he asks, tentatively.

She beams, and her face flushes almost immediately, probably shy about her enthusiasm.

“Yes, please.”

THANK YOU FOR READING!

and thank you for reading all the other OS, and for your likes and reblogs and wonderful replies! I hope it was enjoyable and you had fun! Thank you for everything! :) 

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

Japril Appreciation Week: Day 2 ⇒ Favorite parallels 

9x03 // 9x07

“Babe?“ 

Jackson’s attention diverted from shooting a death stare at a group of 20 something year old, possibly frat boys, back to his gorgeous newly married wife. It was a week after their elopement, the not so planned, except maybe by the cosmos, or God according to April, wedding. She’d insisted they go back home, deal with the mess, but Jackson wanted a little bit more time with her, away from whatever mess awaited them when they returned. He finds out that day that when it comes to him, April just can’t say no. 

So here they were, on their honeymoon, in a beautiful beach in Maui. He should’ve insisted on a private tent, and a private beach. He should’ve definitely insisted on the latter. April in a bikini was a sight he’d long wanted to see, and although she preferred racerback swimsuits, she’d worn this just for him. Him, not stupid rich boys vacationing off their rich dad’s bank accounts. 

"Honey, what are you looking at?” She turns her head around, to get a better view of him.

He smiles at her, running a hand up her bare thigh, “Stupid boys were gawking at you. I had to give them the husband glare." 

She laughs, a sound he’s starting to reacquaint himself with. 

"Possessive much.” She teases him, and turns her body over, resting on her back. 

He shrugs, not really denying it. 

April sits up, and he goes to sit on the lounge chair next to her, kicking his legs out, and stretching his body. He watches her, her gorgeous skin contrasting against the green of her bikini pair, and her fiery red hair loose, tumbling down her shoulders. If she wasn’t the sexiest woman he knew. 

She takes a few sips from her daiquiri, and grins at him, as she lowers herself on to his lap. He holds her closer to him, running his hands freely all over her body. 

“You’re so frisky.” She giggles against his neck, and he chuckles in agreement. 

“You’re so sexy.” He tells her, as if it wasn’t obvious why he can’t keep himself from touching her. 

“Thank you.” She blushes.

They sit still for some time, listening to the low chatter of people around them, and the sound of consistent waves. 

“Jackson?" 

"Hm?" 

She looks up at him, running her fingertip across his bare side. 

"Remember when I came back from Ohio, and we were working on that case together on my first day?” She asks, and he takes a sip from his drink before nodding. 

“Do you remember how, we… um-” April stammers towards the end, and he grins at her knowing what she’s hinting at. 

“Had amazing sex on an office room desk?" 

He sees a flicker of a grin, before she nods against his chest. 

"You said something-" 

"I said a lot of things.” He winks. 

She gasps at his insinuation, poking his chest. 

“Jackson!" 

"Sorry, babe, go on.” He laughs.

She shakes her head, willing herself not to laugh. She stops after some time, and a curiosity settles across her features. 

“You… you said that you weren’t ready to be anybody’s husband. Do you remember that?" 

"I do." 

She smiles brightly at him, always impressed by the slightest thing he does. Like, remembering an old conversation. It simultaneously made him so happy and broke his heart. 

"But then, only about 3 months later, when we thought I was pregnant, you… proposed.” She reminds him of a time he’d rather not remember. 

“April-" 

"No, no,” She shakes her head, vehemently, “It’s not about that, I promise. It’s just… you said you weren’t ready, but then you were all in the moment you found out." 

"I was all in,” He agrees, “For you. With or without a baby." 

"I know that now.” She smiles regretfully, and she slightly pouts. 

“Are you asking me why I changed my mind?” He guesses.

“Yes." 

He takes her hand in his, placing a kiss on the finger where her engagement ring lay. He loved seeing it on her, it was a reminder that finally, finally, she was his. 

"The thing about marriage I was the most scared of, was the forever part. This is the person you spend the rest of your life with.  That’s really scary.” He pauses, to run his thumb along her jaw, “When I asked you to marry me that day, for the first time in my life, the only thing I was scared about is that you’d say no." 

She smiles, warmly, and he sees tears in her eyes. She was a crier, always so emotional. It was endearing. 

He drops a kiss to a wet eyelid, and she snuggles closer to him. 

"So, turns out, I was right. I wasn’t ready to be just anybody’s husband,” He grins at her, and she kisses him deeply before her lips part enough for him to finish, “I was ready to be yours." 

THANK YOU FOR READING!

https://japril12.tumblr.com/post/163403617434/japril-appreciation-week-day-2-favourite

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

Japril Appreciation Week: Day 5 ⇒ AU or a scene you wish happened

slightly m rated? 

"Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." She paused, smiling graciously towards her class, "Does anyone want to tell me where that's from?" 

 It was her first official class and she was more than enthusiastic to start the classes this year. Classic literature; the subject that had enamored her since the first time she had studied it. Being the nerdy bookworm that she was a child, her nose in a book at every waking moment, literature had been her reprieve. Books took her away from her reality. In books, she had friends and she could be anyone she wanted to be. Plus, a subject where one had to read poetry and novels and short stories for school work? Yes please. It's what she did on a daily basis anyway. Her love for it had only grown and had eventually pushed her to pursue it academically, and after that professionally. 

 She was a published author of 2 bestselling free verse poetry books and had the absolute pleasure of lecturing at Columbia University as a senior lecturer of the literature department. She loved her work. She loved educating young children, see the spark in their eyes as they discover poets they relate to, novels that they can't put down and pieces of work that makes them lose hope in humanity and simultaneously gain it. John Keating had been right. The things beyond literature were all noble pursuits, necessary for sustenance, but literature was love, it was friendship, it was life. It was impertinent. 

 She pointed to a very pretty brunette in the front row, who was waving her hand enthusiastically, reminding her of herself.

 "Dead Poet's Society. It's the movie that convinced me to take this course." She replied, smiling widely. 

 "That's wonderful, Miss ..."

 "Hinks. Lora Hinks." 

 She smiled at the girl and continued on, "Everyone one of you had a book, movie, piece of poetry or even person that inspired you to consider this course. For me it was, as clichè as this may sound, Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet to be precise. You see-" 

 She went on to explain her reasoning, reiterating the perfectly prepared speech she delivers in every first class, when she heard a small cough sound from behind her. She outwardly rolled her eyes, knowing exactly whom it was that had interrupted her. 

 "Professor Avery. What can I do for you?" She asked, false niceness oozing from her voice. 

"Professor Kepner, I am here to observe your class. Were you not made aware of my being here?" He replies, stepping into the classroom, earning a few rounds of gasps from students who had clearly being waiting for an opportunity to see their devastatingly handsome Dean once more. 

 April, having gotten used to people's reactions towards her colleague, rolled her eyes once more. 

 "No, actually, I wasn't made aware. So if you don't mind-" 

 "Oh well, must have slipped my mind." He says, his careless tone accompanied by a cold smile. 

 She could sense the students starting to understand that there was a hostile tension between the two, some cocking their eyebrows in confusion, unable to understand why their beautiful Dean had to be a jerk to the most loved member of the faculty. Professor Kepner's kindness was as popular knowledge as their Dean's cold, disengaged attitude. The latter seemingly more obvious with the way he was treating her. 

 "I'm sure it did." She muttered, although loud enough for everyone to hear. 

 "Well, Professor Kepner, carry on." He waved a hand, walking up the steps of the lecture halls and taking a seat in an empty row.

 "Um, yes, where was I? Okay, let's see ..." She was clearly flustered, her annoyance at his actions painstakingly clear. 

 "You were telling us how Shakespeare inspired you." Lora whispered.

 "Oh yes, thank you. Anyway-"

 "Quite forgetful, aren't we Professor?" 

 "No I am not. I am merely-"

 "Distracted? From the moment I walked in. Hm, I wonder why-"

 "There's no need to wonder, Professor. I was ... distracted, for a lack of a better word, because barging into a classroom unannounced is highly unprofessional. But I wonder why you forgot to inform me of your presence today. Old age, perhaps?" She remarked, smiling innocently at him. 

 She heard a few concealed snickers from the crowd although some students were too gob smacked, clearly wondering if she was insane enough to risk her career by back talking the Dean. 

 He wasn't by any means old. He was actually only 5 years her senior. However, his family having made considerable donations to the university overtime had ensured that by the time the old Dean had retired, he would be hired for the job, although he lacked the experience. She knew, whatever said and done, he hadn't wanted the job out of nepotism. She knew hating him for that reason was unwarranted. 

 "Continue." He merely said, and she grinned knowing she had won this one.

 "I actually hated Romeo and Juliet. It's true. I thought, God how stupid could they be? Dying for someone you knew all of 3 days? Falling in love to that capacity when you were 14? 16? No. So I came to the conclusion that Shakespeare was overrated." She stated, seeing a collective surprise for such a bold statement, even from the one person she was trying very hard to ignore. 

 "Until I realised, what if... what if Romeo and Juliet was actually a satirical commentary on lust filled teenage relationships? Not a love story at all, but a story about how insipid young love truly is. The possibility opened my mind to the realization that literature is yours to discover. You adapt it to fit your mold and I loved that." 

 She finished, looking on to see her student's allowing that interpretation to sink in. She loved it when she reached through to them. 

 "A bit of a cynic, aren't we?" Jackson asked, scoffing at her analysis.

 "I'm sorry, I almost forgot you were there for a minute," she replied, "and no, I am not a cynic. I more or so believe that Shakespeare is capable of portraying love better, take his-"

 "Sonnet 124? Let me not to the marriage?"

 She doesn't know why she's surprised. His brilliance wasn't a point of contention, it was even part of his charm. 

 "Yes, but-"

 "And you're saying teenagers can't feel that way, because?" He questioned, eyebrow raised and a cocky grin to boot. 

 "Because," she stammered, angry at herself for letting him rile her up, "Teenage relationships are transcendent. They are not made to last. They are lustful, driven strongly by hormones and rom-com expectations of romance." 

 "Well, aren't we bitter?" He says, eyebrows raised, standing up from his chair.

 "I'm not-I'm not bitter, I'm just being ... realistic." She feels the heat rise to her cheeks, mostly because she hates admitting to herself that he may be partially right. 

 "Hm, but you are. Let me guess, failed high school romance or ... boys scared you too much, Miss Kepner?" He teases, and she knows he's not being malicious because she knows he's addressing her virgin status she had kept until she'd met him, because there was no way he knew about her high school days. Maybe he does, she thought, maybe it was just that obvious to anyone. She just hadn't ever expected him to be one of them.

 So she strikes back, best way she knows how, even though she knows right now she's going to regret the moment she does.

 "Well you would know quite a lot about dating a teenager wouldn't you, Professor?" 

 The dead silence in the room doesn't help. She knows some of them had heard the rumours, and she can see their eyes widening at the boldness of her accusation and the curiousness of those who were unaware. 

 She doesn't let herself look at him, because she knows she screwed up, but then decides that she needs to know the extent of his anger to fully deduce the damage she's done.

 She can see a mixture of emotions in his perfect face. Suprise, anger, hurt and the worst of all, betrayal. She wants to run her fingers over his forehead and smooth the frown he's sporting although his eyes have changed colour like they also do depending on his mood. They're an angry black now and she knows she shouldn't have expected any less. 

 "I will see you at the meeting this evening, Professor." He finally says, exiting the room without a momentary glance her way. 

 She wants to run after him, aplogise furiously for what she said, let him know she only suspects the truth of that statement in her most insecure moments but quickly dispels it because she knows he's too good for it to be true. But she can't, she has a class awaiting her to continue to the lecture, maybe even comment on the situation and she's not ready to face him. She's hurt too.

 They only pretended to be snarky, so that no one would even suspect their alliance, which was formed one night, a couple of months back, when she had been in his office, late, surrounded by mountains of papers. It had been building up since she’d first met him at his welcome dinner. The sum of the looks shared and intense gazes held for too long was her skirt on the floor and the warmth of a fireplace next to her exposed skin.

 It was supposed to be easy, fun, nothing too overwhelming. Yet here she was, scared because she's found herself doing the one thing she said she wouldn't when she started sleeping with the Dean; fall for him and fall for him hard. 

She's pretty sure the approval for the arts department in her budget isn't an 'I forgive you.' She's not really sure what it is. Maybe it really doesn't have anything to do with her. Although, she knows that's not true. She knows he loves her enthusiasm for her subject and when it comes to approving the funds she rarely asks for, he's always been willing. Even before all of... this. Maybe it's a guilt trip. If it is, then mission accomplished. 

 "Hi, Izzie. Is Professor Avery free? I need to run some papers by him." She smiles warmly at his gorgeous secretary, who sits right outside her office in her beautiful pencil skirt and pink blouse that never creases. She's always been a slight insecure when it comes to her, but Izzie has always been warm, kind and loving. And if she'd ever thought about why her of all people would make such constant visits to the Dean she supposedly hated, she didn't let it show. 

 "Um, you know what, let me check." She smiles back, but April can tell she's not as willing to help her out as she usually is. Jackson is a good friend of hers, beyond the fact that they're colleagues. And he's her husband Alex's best friend. She'd understand her picking her loyalties. 

 She gets up and walks off, and April digs her heels into the carpeted floor, and runs her hands across the wooden desk. She feels the guilt coming back up again, and she pushes it down. She crossed a line, she knew that. But, she's hoping he forgives her, because she's really starting to need him to. 

 After what seems like a good 20 minutes or so, right before April decides that maybe it's all over, and she screwed everything up like she always does, Izzie's head pops out of the door. 

 "You can come in." She says, and holds the door open for her. 

 April walks into the room, familiar and warm, with the fireplace and the large mahogany desk she's very accustomed to, and the leather couch she's even more accustomed to. She glances at him and her heart races. He's sat at the desk, but he's not looking up from his paperwork. 

 "Thanks Izzie, you can go home. Tell Alex I'll drop by later." He says, still concentrating heavily on his work. 

 "Sure thing. Good night, boss," Izzie replies and turns towards her, "Professor Kepner." 

 April whispers a quick goodnight, and almost wants Izzie to turn back and stay here, but she walks out the door and closes it behind her. 

 She takes a deep breath and turns towards him. 

 "Leave the papers on my desk." He says, his usual kindness lost to a clipped tone. 

 "Um, okay." She walks towards him, hands in the 2 papers she brought with her as an excuse. She could've very well just ask her TA to hand them in. 

 She walks up to his desk, and she notices how he shoots her a quick look, but stares back down. She sighs, realizing this is probably how he's going to be for the rest of the night. Maybe she should've waited. 

 She opens her mouth to say her carefully planned apology, when he looks up at her all of a sudden. She's naked under his gaze, and this time he's not looking at her in desire. He's angry, and a little sad. 

 "Is that all?" 

 "Uh-"

 "Okay then, goodnight Professor Kepner." 

 He glances away from her as quickly as he looks at her, and she's back to awkwardly standing in front of his desk. She bows her head down, and turns away. There's no point to it now. 

 She walks back a few steps, and suddenly turns to him. She won't leave without at least an explanation. If she'd screwed it up, he needs to know why. 

 "Duckie." 

 He looks up at her, confused, wondering if she'd said anything at all. He raises a brow and April realizes that she just said one word and he probably thinks she's crazy.

 "That-that's what they called me. In high school. Duckie." She avoids his gaze, looking down at her hands, but she can tell he's listening. 

 So she continues, "It's for.... it's for ugly duckling. I had braces, and acne and I had no idea how to condition my hair for the longest time. I was.... duckie. So no, boys didn't like me. They didn't even look at me. I actually preferred that, really. Because when they did look at me, it was to let me know how unattractive they thought I was. Kids can be mean."

 She shrugs, "I am- was... duckie. It's not easy growing up like that. That's why I said what I said. I was just... hurt. And I lashed out. And I hurt you. I am so sorry." 

 She can't help that there's a few tears, and she quickly wipes them off, hoping he doesn't notice. She carried the darkness into her adulthood. She carried all that ugliness they put into her, even though now she might be deemed beautiful by their stupid, shallow standards. April didn't care anymore, but she still carried Duckie in her back pocket. 

 She finally lets herself look up, and she sees his face. His eyes narrowed, he looks like he's ready to attack someone. His forehead is creased into worry lines, and if she thinks his eyes were dark before, now she could see a storm brewing inside. 

 "I'll go then." She says, finally, noticing how he doesn't say anything in return. She did her best, after all. 

 "April." 

 His voice, stops her from walking any further. She pauses, wonders for a second if she made it up in his head, and takes a chance. She turns around and tentatively looks at him. 

 His eyes are much softer, the blue hue he gets when he's sad. 

 "Lock the door." He commands, and a part of her doesn't want to get too happy about this. What if he just wants privacy before he breaks up with her? 

 She walks towards the door, placing her hands on the knob and pushes the lock in. She takes a deep breath and wonders what to do next. 

 "Come here?" He asks this time, rather than commands and it makes her want to sprint towards him. 

 She nods her head, and takes small steps towards him. She steps around his desk and stands in front of his chair, watching him swivel around and face her. He stands up then. 

 His hands fall to hers, and he takes them in his. He brings them to his lips, and he softly kisses her knuckles. 

 "I'm sorry they did that to you." His voice is soft, and she can't help some of the tears that fall down her cheek. 

 She shrugs her shoulders and feels his thumbs swipe across her cheeks, wiping away her stray tears. She doesn't mean to cry about this. Especially not in front of him. And yet, it's him who tends to make her the most vulnerable. 

 "It's alright." She mumbles.

 "It's not, really." 

 He pulls her in then, and wraps his arms around her body, and she's a little surprised but eventually she sets her head on chest and wraps herself neatly around him. Like puzzle pieces, she thinks. 

 "April, you're-" He begins, but she cuts him off, placing a finger across his mouth, and lingering it there for just a second after he'd shut up. 

 "Not now." She tells him, "After." 

 He grins, and she realizes that he meant something very different to what she did. 

 She blushes, but looks up at him, her face determined, no longer shying away, "I'm sorry." 

 "It's okay," He says, nodding to confirm his words, "But I didn't... I would never-" 

 "I know that! Of course I know that! I was just... speaking out of my ass." She sighs, and then blushes because she's not even crude enough to say the word 'ass'. 

 "Well, it's a very cute ass, so you're forgiven." He teases, and she swats him, the blush deepening. 

 "I didn't care that you said it," He continues, pulling her against him, dropping his hands to her waist, "I cared that you thought I was that kind of a guy." 

 "I know you're not," She tells him, as he hooks his thumbs on the belt loops on her skirt, "You're...." 

 "What?" He whispers, as he leans his head down, placing a soft kiss on her earlobe.

 She gasps, momentarily losing her train of thought, "You're... a really good person." 

 "Yeah?" His voice is low against her ear and his hands drop to the edges of her skirt, scrunching up the material around his fists.

 "Yeah." 

 "I'm glad you think so." He says, turning her around. 

 She reaches her arms out to hold the sharp edge of the mahogany, the wood rough under her skin. He pulls her behind to meet his front, and she moans in preparation of what is to come. 

 "We need to tell people," She manages to squeeze out, even though his hands are moving across her lower body, angling her just the way he wants her. 

 "You know what they'll say right?" He asks her, and she nods. She's very well aware of the consequences of going public with him. It's the reason she's pushed it off for so long. 

 "I know, but... I don't care anymore." She breathes, as his hands roughly pull her up against him, her back colliding with his chest. 

 "The rumours will only get worse," He whispers, his breath tickling the back of her neck, as she pushes back into him. 

 "Let them. I don't want to pretend to hate you anymore, because I don't. Quite the opposite, actually."

 She can almost feel his grin. He loves it when she doesn't give a crap, when she's confident in them, when she's confident, period. 

 "I agree." He bends her fully over the desk, and she slides her hands forward, papers falling off into heaps of messes on the floor. She's usually neurotic, but she can never bring herself to care in these moments.

 "You know, Professor Kepner, I read poetry in my free time." 

 She hears the zip of his pants being pulled down, and a slight shuffling of material as they a soft thump follows with his pants hitting the carpet. 

 "Really?"

 She pretends not to have read his collections, in bed, at his place, after they've made love. 

 "She walks in beauty, like the night, of cloudless climes and starry skies." 

 She chuckles breathlessly, unable to process the fact that he was murmuring Byron in her ears, while pulling down her panties. 

 "Jackson." She calls out for him, breath hitched, and teeth gritting against one another as he slips into her. 

 "Should I go on?" 

 "Please." 

THANK YOU FOR READING! 

[astoldbyacertifiedunicorn]

Japril Appreciation Week: Day 4 ⇒ Favorite episode(s)

9x07 : I was made for lovin’ you

Note: Admittedly, this isn’t my favorite episode, that would be 10x12/10x13, 11x11, JTM and JTS, but those episodes already have so many fics  written about them, and I didn’t want to write the same thing. I do, however, even with the sad ending, love this episode because that ‘proposal’ was one of the most wonderful japril moments. Anyway, please enjoy :) 

Positive. 

April hopes that maybe staring harder at the paper, to the point where her vision becomes blurry, will mean that when she refocuses her eyes back on the black letters, they would have magically transformed into a different word. 

Positive. 

Oh well. It wasn't that she wasn't happy. She was. April was, after all, the type of girl who grew up longing for the husband, children, white picket fence house daydream. The catch was that she'd imagined this with her Christian boyfriend, whom she had dated for a respectable number of years, before they'd have their wedding in field with butterflies, after which she'd engage in the wonders of the sexual experience she was abstaining from. 

Positive. 

Life, however, had different plans, it seems. She was now sitting on a cold wooden bench, outside her disaster  magnet of a work place,  holding a piece of paper that confirmed that she was in fact pregnant by her not-Christian, male friend whom she engages in daily sexual activities with, way, way before marriage. At least, the field and butterflies were still on the table. Life had great priorities. 

Positive. 

She wasn't sad it was his baby. No, that part actually made her want to throw her hands in the air, and thank God, although mildly inappropriate at the moment, that she got a chance to procreate with the most wonderful man she knew. He was not only a beautiful specimen of creation, but also a kind hearted, intelligent, incredible human, who happened to be her best friend and occasional.... 'other kind of buddy' as Mark Sloan, rest his soul, would've termed it. 

Positive.

It's the timing that was all messed up. They were just having fun, messing about, rolling around in the metaphorical hay, although there were talks of feelings and marriages, although she wasn't too sure if the marriage came about from those feelings or not. Regardless, there were two best friends with benefits and a baby, and this whole thing was so much more messed up than it appeared to be. 

Positive. 

"What does it say?" 

She turns her body to face him, the contributor to half of the cause of panic, Jackson. He smiles at her, and if she wasn't his best friend, she probably would say he looked very calm for someone who was about to find out they were going to be a father. But she knew him, and she knew that under the cool exterior was a scared, uncertain man who was quite ready to scream into a brown paper bag. 

"Positive." 

"Oh." 

Ah, the happy cries of expecting parents. She watches him glance at his hands, nervously wringing them together. She feels for the guy. This definitely wasn't in his plans, no matter how ready he thinks he is for this. She wasn't even sure if marriage was in Jackson's plans to begin with. He never talked about it with her, and she never asked. He did seem deliriously happy when he'd talked about raising this kid together, but the reality of having a child is a lot more grounding than the possibility of it. 

"Look, Jackson. I know we talked about getting married and all of that, but-" 

"You don't want to?" 

She could be sourly mistaken here, and merely projecting her own desires on to him, but Jackson sounded, almost sad, at the thought that she didn't want to get married. Either way, it could just be about giving the baby a good, happy home. One less child with daddy issues. 

"I do! I do," Does she? She does. She's just scared about the baby and she's scared he's marrying her for the wrong reasons. She's just scared, period. But she does, "I just don't want you to think that we can't raise this baby without necessarily having to get married. Callie and-" 

She stops mid sentence. Okay, so maybe using Jackson's ex mentor and his bisexual, married best friend wasn't exactly the best example in this situation. 

"No, I want to get married, April. I wasn't kidding when I said I was all in. I want to do this right. For you and for the... baby." He gulps at the word and even she has to admit it sounds terrifying out loud. A baby. A human being. She proved incapable for taking care of her own adult self, and now she was partially responsible for the life of another human being, "I want him, or her, to have a family, and I think it'll be easier for you to tell your parents if you're married, and I mean, I...." 

He looks away from her all of a sudden, and she's a little confused why he stopped  mid-sentence. She groans internally. He was doing this for the baby and, sweetly enough, for her. But she didn't want him to marry her because it was his responsibility to. Was it so wrong to want to be married for love? 

"We can do this, April. Okay? I know it's scary, but.... we can do this." He smiles at her, and she nods at him, hoping his slight uproar of confidence rubs off on her. 

"Come on," He says, getting up and holding his arm out to her. She takes it, and he pulls her to her feet, "I am going to go book an OB appointment, and you are going to go get your stuff. We'll drop by your apartment to get some clothes, and go to my place. Okay? We can get some dinner-" 

"And talk?" 

He stares at her pointedly for a second, probably wondering if she'd blow a nerve before she makes it to the changing rooms. 

"Yes, we can talk." 

She nods again, and goes to walk off, when he stops her and pulls her into him. She settles against his chest, and holds him as tight as she possibly can, making sure not to cut his airway. It wouldn't do well to murder him from her anxiety. 

"We'll be fine, April. I know you don't believe that right now, but trust me, okay? We'll be fine." 

She mutters acquiescence into his jacket, and loosens her hold on him. They'll be fine. They were going to be fine. All three of them, will be fine. April wondered if she said the word 'fine' out loud enough times, she'll actually start to feel it. 

He leads her into the apartment and closes the door behind her. She's been here yesterday, but somehow the whole place feels more different, more permanent. This was her home now. They'll eventually sell her apartment, because compared to Jackson's God knows how much rent he pays for the view alone Condo, hers is like a rabbit hole. She didn't mind the switch too much though. His place was nice, impeccably designed, and the only thing it lacked were throw pillows. Well, throw pillows and art that wasn't a big brown shoe. She never understood that painting. Maybe it held a deeper meaning, who knows? 

She carelessly drops her jacket and overnight bag on the sofa, and although she's usually neurotic about stuff like that, today her mind was too preoccupied to care. 

"What do you want me to make for dinner?" Jackson asks, walking behind the island of the kitchen. 

"You're cooking?" She sounds suspicious, and with good reason. The last time Jackson had attempted to cook, she and Alex had ended up with food poisoning. 

"I've gotten better, I swear!" He laughs, possibly recalling the unfortunate incident. 

"Mm, let's just order pizza, you know, considering..." She lets her sentence drift off, and stares down at her stomach. She was trying to save their child at least 9 months from their daddy's cooking. 

"Good point." He admits, and quickly puts back the ingredients to a mac and cheese he was trying to use cream cheese to make. 

He begrudgingly lists her order of a mushroom pizza, which he always vetoes on ordering because 'the taste still lingers even if you take it off'. 

"So, can we talk now?" 

He nods, and walks up to her, placing a glass of water in front of her with a slice of lemon cut up, "You need to stay hydrated. I read during medical college that-" 

"Nope, you are not helicopter parenting me." She says, shaking her head, although she's begun to sip the water. 

"I don't think that's what that term means, but fine, I promise not to be overly protective, but I will be a little bit, all up in your space, because.... I don't know, you're..." He shrugs, and doesn't complete the sentence, and she's tired of him doing that. 

"Okay, so, first thing's first, we need to tell our parents." Her voice is shaky when she says this, because it's the last thing she wants to do. 

He scratches his neck, and furrows his brow, "Do we have to?" 

"Jackson, if your mother finds out about our... baby, when she comes to the hospital, she might have to stick around longer to reattach your pe-" 

"Okay! Telling my mother, as soon as possible." He says, holding his hands up, waving a white flag. 

"I'll tell mine as well... soon." She chews diligently on her bottom lip, and doesn't stop until Jackson pulls it away from her teeth because she could draw blood. 

"They're going to freak out about the whole baby out of wedlock thing, huh?" 

"Yeah," She admits, because her parents are very very conservative and very very Christian.

"How strong is the whole policy in the Bible about not killing someone?" He teases her, but she can tell he actually wants to make sure there's no way Jo Kepner would walk outside the house with his shotgun he keeps locked up in the shed to scare away wild boars, and walk determinedly towards Jackson.  

"Sixth commandment." 

"Oh thank God." 

She laughs at that, and he joins her, and although it's careful, and sounds slightly forced, it releases some of the obvious tension. 

"Are we going to live here?" 

"For now." 

She widens her eyes, but doesn't ask anything more in regards to that. For now meant plans to move, to a bigger house perhaps? Why would you need a bigger house unless you were planning on expanding your family? Maybe she should worry about the one baby she's having now, before theorizing about more. 

"Is there space?" 

"I'll just pull down the man cave thing I have going on, and put up a nursery." 

"No, Jackson, that's your space, I'll feel terrible." "April, please stop acting like you and our child is a burden to me. You're not. Neither of you are. I want to do this. I want to raise this baby, with you. So, please, just no more of making me sound like this guy who just happened to take you two on out of sympathy. I'm his dad." 

She smiles at him, and is mildly more comforted by his words. 

"Or hers." She says, grinning at him. 

"Or hers." He agrees. 

There's a beat, and she comes to realize that this baby is going to change their lives forever. 

"April?" 

"Hm?"

"Can we name the baby Jackson Jr?" 

She spits out her water, and stares at him. He's not serious. Is he? 

"No we can't." 

"Why not?" 

She runs a hand over her face and groans at his very serious name consideration. 

"Because... it's a bad name. Nobody wants to be junior. Junior is a lazy name."

He rolls his eyes, and crosses his arms in front of his body, "It’s a great name." 

She ignores him, "Plus, what do we name the baby if it's a girl?" 

"April Jr" 

"Jackson!" 

They laugh, and for the first time that night, it doesn't feel forced. 

  "Um, I have the guest room ready for you if you want to go get some sleep." 

She comes out of the bathroom, fresh from the bath he'd run her. April had always known Jackson was very caring, it had been in his nature even when they were just friends. It made her heart flutter, as disturbing of an image as that was, and left a pit in her stomach that kept reminding her something she didn't want to think about right now. She really really liked him. A lot. 

"Thank you." She smiles, and makes her towards the bedroom to get changed. She closes the door behind him, and is slightly confused why he doesn't seem to be making any efforts of moving.  

April lets her towel drop, and for a second catches her reflection on the closet mirror. Her body looks exactly the same as it did yesterday. She was probably only a month or 2 pregnant, so there were obviously no visible signs of a pregnancy. She runs her fingers carefully down the skin of her stomach, smiling at the possibility of a baby bump yet to come. She was scared still, nothing about the future was clear to April since her boards, and that was hard for someone who had spent planning every minute of their lives. She felt like she did when, during their residency, Jackson had  taken her to a theme park with the sole intent of getting rid of his fear of roller coasters, and decided that they best way to do it was to go on the tallest and fastest one. It was exciting to finally be sitting on a rollercoaster this thrilling, but you wished you would've taken it one step at a time, instead of plunge head first into the scariest ride of your life.  

She wonders if she should say anything to the baby. She's sat down countless times and talked to her sister's bellies addressing her nieces and nephews.

"I know it feels like mommy isn't acknowledging you, but I promise I am. I know you're there. I'm just really scared because I didn't plan to have you so soon, but I really am happy you're here. Me, and Jack- your daddy. Both of us." 

She smiles down at the little child she's carrying, already feeling an immense sense of love towards this little human. 

"Um, April." 

"Yes?" 

She quickly finds a silk nightgown she packed, and blushes deeply when she realizes that in her hurry, she had picked the one Jackson had gifted her not so long ago. She puts it on, and it falls just above below her thigh. 

"Do you... um, you know you don't have to sleep in here, right?" 

"Um, what?" 

She walks up to the door, and opens it, looking questioningly at Jackson who seems to not have moved an inch since she closed the door on him. 

He stares at her for a moment, letting his eyes roam over her. April blushes as if on cue, and tugs at the dress, hoping to make it a little longer. She knew, tetchily, what it meant whenever he looked at her like that. In any other circumstance, she'd probably be half way there by now, but tonight she wasn't in the mood. Okay, that was a lie. With him, she was always in the mood, but she didn't think she ought to be, considering how tiring the whole day was.   

"Jackson, you were saying?" 

"Hm? Oh yeah, sorry, I just-" He says, shaking his head and pointing towards her, before probably realizing he can't exactly tell her he was distracted by her. Not that she would've mind, "Um, I don't think you'd want to be alone tonight. I mean, heck, I don't want to be alone tonight. So, if you want to... you can just... sleep in my room?" 

She wants to almost laugh at how unsure he sounds at her accepting the request. Before today, she'd be in his bed without him even having to ask, but now it felt different, even though she more or so had more of a right to share a bed with him than ever before. They were after all, in a way, engaged. And they would be married soon enough. This whole process of doing everything backwards was exhausting, April thought. It was confusing and she wished they could talk about the two of them in addition to talking about the baby. There were still so many doubts, and she was close to going mad any minute if they didn't get resolved. 

But he looked tired and so was she, so maybe she'd have to leave it for tomorrow. 

"Okay." 

She smiles and he instantly lightens up, a lopsided grin she loves appearing on his face. She walks to his bedroom, and settles under the covers, and watches him do the same. 

They lay there awkwardly for some time wondering how intimate they ought to be before Jackson comes up to her, and pulls her against his chest, dropping a kiss to her forehead. She snuggles into him, and for a second all the doubts etch away from her mind, because nothing about this feels wrong. It all feels so perfectly right. 

"Goodnight, April." 

"Goodnight, Jackson."  

 Jackson Avery couldn't find any sleep, no matter how hard he tried. He kept tossing and turning around, trying his hardest not to disturb April, who'd causally wandered to the other side of the bed. He wanted more than anything to turn around and hug her to him, but she needed her rest, and his restlessness would just keep her up as well. 

He just couldn't believe it! A baby! They were having a baby! He was going to someone's father! The thought was slightly nauseating, and he started to feel the room begin to spin. There was a human being inside April's body, that would in 9 months, rely on him to take care of them, for the rest of their lives. It was the most frightening thing he'd ever experienced, and he had operated on a friend while a gun was pointed at him. 

He turns his head to the right and sees April blissfully sleeping, although he could tell she was anything but blissful. She was stressed, and nervous, and scared and he knew that a complete breakdown was due any second now. He was just trying to delay it as much as possible by appearing as calm as he possibly could. How does she manage to look so beautiful even when she's doing something so stupidly mundane as sleeping. He'd recently taken to watching her. Not creepily or anything, but just whenever she was in the room or in his vicinity, his eyes would always follow her, and he'd feel this constant loud thumping in his heart, whenever she caught him watching. He'd never felt such an adrenaline rush before in his life, it was maddening. 

She grunted slowly, turning her body to face him. He smiled at her, softly placing a stray curl, that was clearly annoying her in her sleep, since she twitched her nose at the feel of it, behind her ear.

He never thought he'd be a father. He was out of his mind scared about this. He'd never grown up with a good example of a dad, and so he'd always assumed that maybe kids weren't for him. Looks like life had other plans. He was going to mess up. There was no way he'd be able to dive into this head first and hope for the best. There was no way he'd be good at this. He sighs, tossing on his side once more. He wasn't ever sure he'd be married. His ex girlfriends hadn't come anywhere to the point where he'd even had to think about getting married. He'd probably make a shitty husband, who knew. If one were to go with the performances of Avery men in marriages, they didn't have the best track record. Divorce, cheating, alcoholism or legacy. It was a mess. 

He woke up that day, intending to kick ass at some surgeries and take his... best friend home and make love to her. He definitely couldn't have predicted that he'd go home with his... fiancé? best friend who was carrying his child. The thing that baffled him the most, however, wasn't having to marry April, or having a baby that scared him, necessarily. Those two things, surprisingly, made him slightly giddy. It was the fear of failing the now two most important people in his life that was eating at him. 

He sighed, knowing that the endless questions weren't going to solve anything. He looked at the clock reading 1 am, and closed his eyes. They had a long day ahead of them tomorrow, and the least he could so was try to get some sleep. 

He’d notice her missing, when he’d woken up at around 3.30 am, and instinctively reached out for her, just to feel a blank space next to him. He’d taken a second to calmly walk around the house, yelling her name, progressively more panicky with each room that was empty. April had left the house. It was a little difficult for him to remain calm at this point, so he chose to the exact opposite; lose his shit. Then, however, having realized that there might be a perfectly good explanation for this, set about looking for her. He tried calling her, but the loud blaring of the ever inspirational Doubt by Mary J Blige indicated that she’d left it at home. She could have been paged, but a quick call to the hospital dispelled this theory. The other two options were that she’d woken up, and for whatever reason, gone to her apartment or, and he really hoped she hadn’t done this, gone to visit Charles’s and Reed’s graves. Well, if that was the case, he’d use the ‘I walked through a graveyard at 3.30 in the morning for you’ card for years.

He runs down, and gets into his car, trying his best not to speed. He stops at a traffic light, one road down from his apartment complex, when a figure exiting a 24 hour department store catches his attention. If he hadn’t known April for as long as he had, he might have driven by, and found her at neither spot he had in mind, called the cops and made tomorrow’s headlines. Thankfully, he could spot his best friend from a mile away.

He quickly parks in the entirely abandoned car park, and walks determinedly towards April, getting angrier and angrier with each step.

“April!”

She stills, and turns around, looking downright shocked to see him.

“What are you doing here?” She asks, when he reaches her

“What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here? April, it’s 3.30 in the morning! I woke up and found you gone, and panicked!” He yells at her, and she looks like a deer caught in headlight.

“I-I just wanted some ice cream.”

“At 3.30 in the morning?! April, you can’t just walk down the street at this time. It’s dangerous. You’re a pregnant woman, what the hell were you thinking?!” He is outraged, and frankly frightened.

“I just wanted to make a milkshake.” She shrugs. The nerve!

“Then you wake me up! If you’re having cravings, you wake me up so I can buy you a milkshake. You don’t walk outside in the streets at this time, wearing a nightgown, and a jacket!” She hasn’t even changed. It was a surprise he found her completely unharmed.

“Why are you yelling?! I just wanted a milkshake, and you’re here just yelling at me.”

Cue the crying.

He sighs, knowing her ultra-sensitive pregnancy hormones, wasn’t holding her too well during this conversation.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Here, come here.” He holds his hands out to her, and she wraps herself around him, crying into his chest. “I was just worried, okay? You can’t do this, it’s dangerous, April. I don’t want either of you getting hurt. It’s scary.”

“How are you so okay with this?” She mumbles into his chest.

“What, the baby?” Obviously, not her late night excursions, since he’d made his stance on that really clear.

“Yes. How are you not scared? I love this baby, and y- um, I am happy, I really am, but I feel like we’re in over our heads, Jackson! We don’t even know what we are, and now we’re getting married and bringing a baby into this. It’s just-”

Cue the crying, once again.

He had been expecting this meltdown, so he’d been prepared. He just hadn’t expected it to happen in the middle of an empty parking lot, at this time of the morning.

“I am scared, April. Believe me, I am. I don’t know the first thing about being a dad… or a husband. I am so scared that I’m going to let you two down.” He admits.

“No, you won’t. I know you won’t. You’re going to be great.” She says, determinedly.

“Look, I know this is too much, too soon. I get that. But we’re going to be okay. We just have to… fake it ‘till we make it! Act like we got this, until we actually do.”

She studies him for a second, and nods.

“I wouldn’t want to do with anyone else, April.”

He’d definitely take care of the child if they decided to keep the baby, and help to co-parent, but he’d only marry a woman he knew he could love.

“Yeah?” Her eyes lit up, almost as if he’d said the exact thing she’d been wanting to hear all along.

“Remember those feelings I told you about?”

She nods, “I have them too.”

He grins, wide, “Good.”

“I am so glad it was you.”

She stands on her tip toes, and kisses him, holding his face between her hands. When she pulls away, he leans back in, and pecks her lips once more.

“Come on. Let’s get you two home, and I’ll make you a milkshake.” He puts his hand on her stomach, although there’s no bump still visible, but there’s something very grounding about the fact that his baby was in there. The baby, he and April made together.

“Hm, maybe I’ll make the milkshake and you can help me drink it.”

“Hey!”

She giggles, and takes his hand in hers as they walk towards the car. If this was what he had to expect when they were expecting, he was looking forward to it.  

THANK YOU FOR READING!