#journaling and meditation and socializing and nature and hobbies and nutrition and nothing seems to matter
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#im so tired of being so checked out and unable to feel real or in the moment or in my body or like a person or in a real world#I know I don’t talk about it much anymore and irl I generally hide it pretty well#especially when I’m purposefully turned on like whenever I see family#or briefly socialize#but I was at one point getting periods of time where I was only about 2-5% disssociated if that#for minutes or hours or a few times even days at a time#and I thought it was gonna be okay.#but now it’s been almost 2 years straight of being a pilot in my own body#interspersed with weird sensations on and off#and occasional out of body times#and I can never trust what I’ll do or say#necessarily#because sometimes the connection is too slow or distant for me to realize my body is going to react in some way body language wise#or my mouth is going to say something that’s not something I want to share#and I’m tired of not being a person#I want to be a person I want to be less scared I want to feel like I inhabit a body instead of a machine#I want to feel like I inhabit it at all#I want to touch concrete and feel more than 10% of it#I want to have enough memory and connection with the world to do what I mean to and keep in contact with people and be there for friends#and I can’t seem to do ANYTHING#all I do is just survive and languish and I TRY to take care of myself and I TRY to do grounding and processing and rhythm and textures and#journaling and meditation and socializing and nature and hobbies and nutrition and nothing seems to matter#and I don’t recognize myself in the mirror half the time#even though it’s the same eyes#and I have to run my movement and my body with thought like a machine driver#and it takes up allllllll my energy and focus and leaves almost nothing else#and for what? literally for what?#this doesn’t keep me any safer#and twice lately my strong freeze response has almost gotten me in danger especially that one morning with the guy on drugs and. idkkkkk#shh katie
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