#just found out that Pepsi comes in usually tuesdays/wednesdays

[permanentreverie]

why is my heart breaking over a boy I met ONCE like for pls can we be serious rn

[faithhopeloveandtherapy]

Throw back to food diary 2012

I was looking back this morning to my very first journal entries, from soon after I started seeing T. I found a food diary from September 2012. I’d been in therapy for about 3 months by then, so bearing in mind this is an improvement on what my eating was like before I started therapy, I was.... well I’d like to say I was completely mad, but probably I should say I was quite unwell.

I’ll put it under a read more if I can, but if you do read it, be warned that eating like this will not make you skinny. It will just make you feel awful, tired, miserable, obsessing over food and grumpy.

Recovery is a hundred zillion times better than an eating disorder 👍

Saturday

Not feeling good today, my stomach is churning and I've got heartburn. I don't feel remotely hungry. Maybe eating doesn't agree with me. Or maybe I'm just a bit ill. My insides are feeling fragile.

4pm - Thinking about soup. Looking at soup. Can't face it. Why force it down when I could just wait and might feel hungry later then I would have something to eat that would feel ok. Very busy baking a ridiculously complex cake.

7pm - handful of pretzels

9.45pm - soup at last with chilli sauce. Finally felt like eating. Have had a g&t and a glass of wine and can only just walk in a straight line though.

10.30pm - raspberries, yoghurt and leftover raspberry syrup from cake baking.

10.45pm - I don't know what it was about the raspberries, maybe it was the syrup, sudden panic.....sat it out for 15 minutes but then I couldn't tolerate it any longer and threw up. Yesterday I ate a whole lot more in the evening and quite rationally managed not to throw up, today I couldn't seem to get past the aaaaagh it's awful I'm awful panic panic thoughts.

Sunday

1.30pm - half carton of soup & chilli sauce, 1/4 slice of bread, few graze box nibbles

5.30pm - salad, broccoli and 5 pasta shapes. I allowed the pasta because I'm going swimming this evening. (even though 5....5!....hardly counts! How ridiculous, there is more to life than counting pasta shapes)

*sigh* I wish there was a way to stop obsessing over food and all the rest, without actually having to eat any more.

Monday

1pm - half carton of soup

5pm - salad, 1 slice chicken, 1 roast pepper out of a jar (everyone else had a gnocchi bolognese bake which I enjoyed making while knowing there was no way on earth I was going to eat it....)

6pm - salad

7pm - salad then a tiny piece of chocolate

Tuesday

5.15pm - half a carton of soup. How can a soup that has only 110 calories in half a pot still have 3g of fat in it??

All the usual excuses for not eating earlier......was baking (coconut macaroons - yuk!) then cooking tea for later (cauliflower&broccoli macaroni cheese) then wasn't hungry, then forgot, then went out, then blah blah....

And now I left it so late to eat, it makes it harder to eat the next thing. The paradox of wanting to eat but at the same time feeling so terrified of eating. Sticking with the Empty feeling I know versus the Not-empty feeling of the dangerous unknown.

Wednesday

12.15pm - half a carton of soup, 3 little pieces of chicken, 3 spicy pepperdew peppers

1pm - 2 bites of a cereal bar

where is my Graze box?? It should have come yesterday. It's messing up my Graze box eating rules!

5pm - salad then yoghurt and maple syrup

8pm - little square of bakewell tart at school event

10pm - really hungry but cannot think of anything that feels ok to eat. That leaves the options of alcohol, coffee or Pepsi max. Or just going to bed.

Thursday

12.15pm - half a carton of soup, chicken, handful of pretzels

I need to eat more. Feeling rubbish.

6pm - tiny portion of chicken and fennel gratin. Without the chicken. Or the gratin. I just picked the fennel pieces out and scraped the sauce off them. So, that should probably read:

6pm - few pieces of fennel

9pm - raspberries and yoghurt, square of chocolate

[zyibo-blog]

                 Media journal of ‘Media detox’

 Day 1

   ‘media detox day’

On Wednesday 17th of May, I did something that I never try before. It was my first day to quit social media for the whole day which means in that day, I don't use phone, laptop or any other electronic equipment. In the early of day, it was just interesting and curious for me by stop using any electronic equipment. because I posted a message on Facebook and told all my friends on Tuesday, so I wouldn't worry about any unread messages. I shuted down my phone in the morning. Around 7:00 AM, I cooked my breakfast, first time ate breakfast without watch phone, and went to gym with my flatmates. Talked with my flatmates a lot on the way to the gym, it was the first time we talked so many topics, he also looked very energetic. Because there is no phone. The weird thing is I found sometimes I would be watching phone not for the sake of entertainment but just to kill the time.

In the beginning, I felt disconnect with internet is not a big deal. I could do anything to kill time. However, I was wrong. I kept thinking about what if I missed some important news or notifications? what if some emergency phone calls coming? I try to give up, I almost couldn't resist the temptation of phone, I always wanted to check unread message, emails and notifications. Fortunately, my friend came to see me and dragged me to take a walk. We chatted a lot face to face and discovered many beautiful places in campus. He also borrowed a basketball, we played for hours. To be honest, I haven't sweated that much since I come to university.

                                 Day 2

Appendix One: Media Journal for date

 Time

Activity

Media encountered

6:00

Wake up

Phone alarm

 6:00

 Check phone

  Close alarm

  Check unread message

  Check iLancaster timetable

6:00--6:10

Change clothes and brush teeth

~

6:20--6:45

Breakfast

Watch news on phone

          7:00--8:30

Go to gym

One the way to gym

Posters of society in university

Listen to music

Message friend, ask him whether he come or not

Advertisements outside the gym

Buy water

Watch random TV show while running on the treadmill

(there is a small screen on the treadmill)

    Open fitness APP on phone and record running time and Weight lifting weights

    Check message

    Take photo of my weight and record it on the phone.

 8:40--9:00

Take shower

Play music on phone

     9:00--9:40

Use laptop

Log on university website

Log on moodle

Check university email

Check news and activities happened in college

Prepare the course past paper

Check Facebook and twitter message

Watch random video on Youtube

 9:40--10:00

Go to library

Print the past paper or power point slides that needed in class

     10:00--12:00

In the lecture

Use iLancaster to check-in

Use laptop to write notes in lecture

Use phone to check dictionary

(because my first language is not English)

Log on moodle

Check message on phone

Take photos of the content on the big screen in the front

 12:00--13:00

In the seminar

Use iLancaster to check-in

Use labtop to log on moodle to see the power point

Communicate with classmates

Write notes on laptop

13:00--13:40

Lunch time

Check instagram and message

13:40--14:00

Rest

Check Weixin message and post

Send message to friends

Check bus timetable

14:00--14:30

Take a bus

Watch news

Message friends

See whether there is a discount or not

Use phone to make a  shopping list

14:30--16:00

Shopping

Go to Sainsbury

Use Nectar card

Advertisements in Sainsbury, such as Samsung, Tropicana, Pepsi, etc

Different brands

Discount items information

Sign up membership of Sainsbury

Call taxi number

16:00--18:00

Revision

Use phone to check dictionary

Check university’s email

Log on moodle

Revise with notes taken in the morning on the laptop

Review power points

         18：00--19：00

  Use phone to see BBC news play Snapchat

Use Skype to contact with my family

Also send recent photos to them

Play music

Call my friend or message them by using Weixin

Check Facebook status

Leave comments (my favourite news is about politics and economy)

 19:00--20:00

Laptop thing

Watch interesting video on Youtube

Edit some more information on my own official account in Weixin, write status and post some photos on it.

Others’ interesting essay and photos

Advertisements of movie and anime, novels or TV series,etc

Edit email

Recommend activities and interesting news happened recently

20:00--20:45

Dinner time

Watch film while eating

20:45--22:00

revision

Use moodle and online power points, just like above

22:00--23:00

  Play music

Read electronic novel on phone

See whether are there any more recommend novels or not

Charge online for APP

Advertisement of new books

23:00--23:30

  Log on Amazon accounts

Check discount information

Many brands’ advertisements

Check account status

23:30--00:30

  Watch film

Text friends

Set alarm on phone

See timetable for tomorrow classes

Read guitar sheet music by using phone

 00:30--1:00

 Watch one episode of favourite TV series

1:00

Sleep

                           Day 3

  My reflection of the 'media detox day’

  During that day, While doing all these activities, I always wanted to open my phone or laptop to check are there any unread message or did my friend call me? I also wanted to use 'Google'. Usually I always use 'Google' when I met any difficulties. without my phone and internet within couple of hours.I realised we have already become very dependent on internet, because we are member of this society. I can't remember when does the Internet become a secondary storage for our brains, and anything that we think isn’t essential to our survival gets stored on the World Wide Web. for example, sometimes when I want to go shopping, I always Google discount information or compare different stores on internet. Also, when I want to make a cake, I have to Google it even I knew those steps. I became extremely dependent on internet that I do not remember the skills I have learned. I can find satisfactied results on Google in mere seconds. Google become the best answer of any questions that come to our mind. I checked my Google searches history , and I counted the total number of my Google searches of April. I found out that I did an average of 30--40 searches each day in April.

Moreover, in the past few years, I have been spending too much time on internet and viewing the web page. Sometimes, I felt that overuse Internet has actually chipped away my capacity to concentrate and contemplate. Every time when I met difficulties,the first thing on my mind is use 'Google' to find effective measures. It become part of my life, and it makes me lazy. In 1960, media theorist Marshall McLuhan mentioned that media does not only supply the stuff of thought but also shapes the process of thought (Carr, 2008). Because of Facebook messages, television, email and notifications. we become very hardly to concentrate. Many things around us are distracting our mind.  On that day I quit social media, I always want to give up, I almost couldn't resist the temptation of phone, I always want to check unread message, emails and notifications. As result, I locked my phone and laptop in the drawer at that day. While the Internet has restored reading and writing as central activities in our culture, it has also changed how we read and write completely (Shirky, 2010). I always read novels on my phone, and I also have a electronic book. Sometimes, I also found it is hard to concentrate, When we read online, Wolf says, we tend to become“mere decoders of information.” Our ability to interpret text, and making rich mental connections when we read deeply and without distraction, remains largely disengaged (Carr, 2008). I remember once I was younger, I was so focused on a book, even my mom shouted my name many times for dinner, I wasn't able to hear her. I used to immerse myself in the book for hours. However, nowadays, I couldn't concentrate for one hour.

In 1964, McLuhan also pointed out that media is an extension of our selves (Marshall 1964). Sometimes I would be using phone not for any purpose but just to kill time. I will be relieved if my phone is held by my hand. when I am taking shower, there has to be a music playing. To be honest, if my phone, laptop disappeared someday, or all information on them was stolen, I would basically be losing abilities of spelling, arithmetic, calculation. There is a research has shown that around 68 % of students start panicking and uncomfortable after just a few minutes in a room without their phones or a computer (Konnikova, 2013).

   People on social media have more stressful life (Chore, 2013). because we compare ourselves with others. Social media provides us many ways to compare ourself with others (Chore, 2013), we always compare the number of friends on Facebook, the number of likes we get on Instagram, the number of re-tweets we get on Twitter, etc. more and more comparison make us feel unconfident and jealous. There was once I remembered I went to watch movie with a group of friends, but the next day, I saw one of my friend post many photos, everyone is on photos except me. I felt unhappy and sad. I kept thinking one question ' where did I offend him?'  Another thing that people like me fear about is Being ignored, during the 'media detox day', I felt like withdrawing from real life when disconnect with internet. during that day, I always thinking what if I miss some interesting news or important calls.

In fact, during the 'media detox day', I still found there are something far more interesting than phone, chat with my friends face to face rather than message each other. I start to walk around our campus , discover every corner in university. And I bought some books, it is the first time for me to go to book store this year. If it wasn't 'media detox day', I would never ever realised that I become hardly to concentrate. Social media is causing me more stress than happiness.

    Blog link:

                                             Reference:

  Carr, Nicholas. 2010. The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains. W. W. Norton.[Accessed 20 May 2017].

    Marshall McLuhan, (2017). Understanding Media The extensions of man  [online] Available at: http://robynbacken.com/text/nw_research.pdf  [Accessed 20 May 2017].

     Carr, N., 2010. Does the Internet Make You Dumber? [Online] Available at: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052748704025304575284981644790098 [Accessed 2017].

     Konnikova, M., 2013. HOW FACEBOOK MAKES US UNHAPPY. [Online] Available at: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/elements/2013/09/the-real-reason-facebook-makes-us-unhappy.html [Accessed 2017].

    Shirky, C., 2010. Does the Internet Make You Smarter? [Online] Available at: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052748704025304575284973472694334 [Accessed 2017].

    Kelner, S., 2013. Is FOMO depriving us of our ability to exist in the present and take pleasure in the here and now? [Online] Available at: http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/is-fomo-depriving-us-of-our-ability-to-exist-in-the-present-and-take-pleasure-in-the-here-and-now-8449677.html [Accessed 2017].

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