#just know that I'm not writing another dissertation in November

[yourea--stubborn--man]

I feel like I should say something about my life and health right now, and what it means for my writing.

Hi. I’m Sari. If you follow me, you probably know me as sb_essebi on AO3. I guess this should go on my main blog @sb-essebi​, but it’s mainly about Star Trek so I’m posting it here.

If you’ve followed me for a bit or are a friend, you might know I’m chronically ill, and I don’t just mean the severe ADHD. You might know I have little focus and energy left over after my duties for my hobbies. That's stopped me from drawing for the past, what, 5 years?

Well, I'm likely developing another chronic illness. I've been feeling off since mid-2021, knew something was up by November, doctor did a bunch of tests and now I'll be seeing specialists to figure out what I have exactly.

I'm also a university student, struggling to get the first half of my degree, which right now means last big exams, an unpaid internship and writing my dissertation. It's a lot for the tiny old ADHD brain.

So, my energy is at all time low, and the last month has been very hard (my elderly dog was sick on top of it all, fine now). You may have noticed that I've published only one fic in 2021 and none in 2022, despite feeling optimistic some 6 months ago and discussing Trek fics I was working on with friends and readers. I thought I would have published two multi-chapters this year by now! I'm sorry for hyping that up, even if the reason I didn't write is something out of my control. If we're on the same servers, you may have noticed I stopped checking discord except PMs because I didn't have the energy for that either.

I apologise profusely because I’m hyperfixating on The Sandman now, have complete brainrot which has made me write a bunch for that and will likely publish something. Please don’t be mad? I assure you I’ve punished myself already, writing instead of sleeping and studying.

Basically, all that means that you’re not going to see Trek fic from me for a while, especially not the much-requested sequel to 4.63 days. Depending on what happens with my health, that might be months or it might be much longer.

Idk, I felt I had to explain why I'm not doing much of the thing I always swear gives me so much joy - writing Trek fic. And it kinda doubles as a life update, if you care about that sort of thing, which you kight, since I've felt too tired/low to text my internet friends.

[motownfiction]

on the stage

Sam claps louder than anybody at the end of Charlie’s first piano concert in college. He even claps louder than their mother. At the end of the show, when the Doyles, Carrie, and Daniel decide to have dinner at a Denny’s nearby, Sam wraps his arm around Charlie and says nobody else gets to take him in their car.

“Made a promise to this kid that I’d drive him anywhere, any time,” Sam says loudly. “I’m gonna hold to it tonight.”

They’re on their way to the Denny’s now. Sam’s blaring “Don’t Stop Me Now,” playing the dashboard like a piano at the red light. He looks over at Charlie, who’s pretending not to enjoy it.

“Only thing that would have made that concert better would have been this,” he says to Charlie. “Then again, you sure did make a supersonic man out of ‘Strange Meadow Lark.’ You know, if I ever had a daughter, that’s what I would name her? Strange Meadow Lark Doyle.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Charlie says, “especially not if you were naming her after my performance.”

“And I would be. You were great tonight, kid. You really were.”

Charlie half smiles. They’re both pretending they don’t know what’s going on. It’s been a year already, but Sam can’t stop overcompensating. Queen ends, and the DJ plays “Tiny Dancer.” Sam immediately turns the dial to another station. He’s never told Charlie what that song means to him now, but he figures he doesn’t have to. The lyrics speak for themselves.

“Thanks,” Charlie says. “I was freaking out.”

“Couldn’t tell. You were great. I think the other jazz band guys might’ve been jealous.”

“Only because I’m tall.”

“That’s reason enough.”

They’re quiet for a little while. When Sam stops at another red light, Charlie asks him a question he’s surprised he’s never asked before.

“Do you ever wish you’d have done it?”

Sam snorts.

“Charlie, I’ve ‘done it’ a lot,” he says. “Since before you were even in high school. You remember Steph.”

“No, not … do you ever wish you’d have learned how to play something? Instead of just knowing all about the other music stuff? Like … don’t you ever wish it was you on the stage?”

Sam’s blood runs a little cold. He’s thought of that before. Himself, a rockstar with all the knowledge of an ethnomusicologist. He’d be like the Scorcese of rock ‘n’ roll, which is funny, because Scorsese is kind of the himself of rock ‘n’ roll, too. He’s thought about what it would be like to play the guitar … to write what he’s feeling instead of just feeling it. But at the end of the day, it’s just not right. At the end of the day, he’s not the guy who wants thousands of screaming fans surrounding him. He’s not the guy who needs it.

But maybe … if that was what would grab a girl like Carrie … maybe he …

No.

So, Sam shakes his head.

“Never,” he lies. “I just like listening to you.”

Charlie nods, and for the first time in probably his whole life, Sam knows that he understands more than meets the eye. For the first time in his whole life, Charlie can see the depth beyond.

Sam wishes he could be proud of that, too.

(part of @nosebleedclub november challenge -- day 7! i know i'm horrifically behind already, but you should see all the dissertation progress i made this week. here's hoping i have it in me to keep it up!)

[hollywoodx4]

You all asked for another set of my trash human Hadestown hot takes so.....

I think maybe I should just start from the beginning and go from there, and sprinkle some details in when I think about them. And since you’ve mentioned before that detail is a good thing, I’m going to try really hard to articulate the 500 versions of “I can’t” and “She did that” and “UM” and “GIRL” Also as always, I apologize, but this is honestly a lot of Eva and Reeve heavy content. I love all of the cast, they are all so phenomenally talented and wonderful, but as usual my mind has chosen to hyper-focus on two things so this is what it is.)

(So. I’m thankful for this platform because before my notes were ALL “Um” and “Girl” and now you guys are motivating me to actually write what I’ve been thinking about non-stop all day on my one hour of sleep. So. Thank you! I went about labeling every song-and I actually end up having thoughts for every one, because I went back and listened through and wrote down what I could remember/the things I thought were relevant for the people that won’t be able to see it outside of the boot that literally everyone but me has at this point).

This is only act I. This is a loooooong hot take. This is a lot of Eva and Reeve specific commentary. This is just a lot of commentary. I think it’d be cool/beneficial/whatever to listen as you read? LOL thanks for coming to my actual, legitimate 5 page essay on Act I.

So. My overarching thought of the night (and, actually, I think I mentioned this when I was there two weeks ago too) is that Eva has been playing an incredibly soft Eurydice lately. Compared to when I was there for previews in April, or even back in August, it seems like each time I’ve gone back she just gets softer and softer, and it’s made me so incredibly happy to see her characterization grow. I do see Eurydice as someone who has been through a lot, and does have that tougher skin, and I think that Eva does a fantastic job in representing that in Any Way the Wind Blows. She keeps her voice strong and consistent, and has this look on her face that’s a cross between worry, wavering confidence, and just this tough shell of a girl who’s trying not to look like she’s given up. And this works so incredibly well when she meets Orpheus. Because I’m telling you, the flip in her demeanor happens in the most noticeably beautiful way during Wedding Song. But first, let’s talk about the fact that I’m not sure who decided that it’d be a good idea that Eva play with fire during this song, and aesthetically it’s just such a MOMENT to see Eurydice looking bored, head down on her arms on the table, eyes wide and uninterested/exhausted/hungry as she runs each of her fingers through the flame (and, at times, pauses to inspect the finger she’s just put into the fire, rub it against another finger or the table, and then begin her game again) I don’t know why this has become one of my favorite things about the staging but? I imagine this being something Eurydice just does sometimes to keep herself from thinking about how hungry she is, and it becomes a habit so that in the iteration where they both make it out of Hadestown and live happily ever after Eurydice just does this one time and makes poor Orpheus jump out of his skin worried that she’s somehow going to send herself back down by doing this. Because they still are walking on eggshells about the fact that they made it out and here she is playing with fire, LITERALLY. Okay, moving on....

So. What I like about Wedding Song live is that her speaking voice just. It’s a bit higher, softer. She still carries the teasing tone, but there’s just this incredulous lift in “is he always like this?” and a lot of laughter in “Oooh, he’s crazy.” and Reeve plays Orpheus so sweet and innocent that you can’t help but feel bad for this bumbling idiot stumbling over himself at this beautiful girl sitting there looking completely cool and collected. But. There’s a beautiful thing about the composition and balance Eva is able to maintain in that you can see that Eurydice is openly intrigued, but keeps herself guarded in a playful sort of way. Almost like she can’t keep herself guarded and wants to let her guard down. Her smile kills me over and over again during this scene. Again, Eva’s Eurydice has turned into quite the small, beautiful romantic and I just am so in love with everything that she has subtly changed and morphed, the girl is an absolute QUEEN.

Also, I can’t go any further without saying a big THANKS to Eva for making me cry the SECOND I heard her start to sing Any Way the Wind Blows and just continue that train all night long. What a fucking night.

Okay, so my favorite thing about Epic I is the sheer power that small boy Orpheus has in singing his la laas for the first time. I remember distinctly having the most goosebumps the first time I witnessed this back in April, and every single time it just. Leaves me breathless. And I think now that it’s been a few times, the goosebumps come from knowing how significant this melody will be throughout the show. But Reeve’s facial expressions as he sings them? Make you believe that la is the most important syllable in the dictionary. He closes his eyes and just feels the music and plays his guitar and he is just so phenomenally talented that WOW. Also my favorite small part of this song is that during my favorite line “with them the cycle of the seed and the sickle, etc.” he spins in circles while playing and singing and just. It’s the smallest amount of choreography that feels the most necessary, as if it’s Orpheus becoming so enraptured with the music that he has to move! And it’s in the middle of the tables that are in the “bar,” with the workers and Eurydice looking on and watching him tell this tale. It all feels so incredibly genuine-it makes you believe that Orpheus singing to the workers is something they’ve witnessed, almost something they look forward to when they come to the bar. I think it has to do with the fact that they’re all just watching him, intrigued but also settled in? As if this is routine, this is comfort, his songs are meant for them and for this little community he has. Even when he plays the first note of the Epic they’ve settled in and are sitting up watching him and listening intently. It gives his character a lot of soft power and dynamic without having to say anything, establishing him as an integral part of this life without so much as a word.

Uhhh Living it Up On Top is just my most favorite feel-good bop. Why? Because of the ensamble. Watching them dance is a blessing. It honestly feels like watching a fucking family reunion freestyle dance party every single time. You can physically see and feel how close this cast is; they make faces at each other, they laugh, and also this instrumental break included the Eva Noblezada booty drop which is EVERYTHING. And she also did a full leg extension kick this time which. Girl. Save some talent and cuteness for everyone else. I also find it extremely appropriate that during all of this kickass dancing and partying our boy Orpheus in all of his gangly, limbly qualities can be found sort of flitting around the stage, taking Persephone’s coat, then Eurydice’s, then putting things away and moving around giving out the cups to toast- like. It’s lowkey established in this scene that he’s 10/10 not the cool and effortless one in this relationship and is the cute small boy child. And I don’t know if that’s because I think that Eva’s really cool and charismatic and Reeve is a bit more shy in a crowd situation, but that’s 100% how this comes off to me/how I perceive the characterization and I’m here for it. And when the line “to the patroness of all of this, Persephone” came up Reeve was like 10 octaves higher than the cast recording, all squeaky and flustered. And then between that and his next line, he took a breath and smiled the big stupid baby Orpheus smile that makes him so charming-if you weren’t rooting for him before now you’re messed, but after the smile? And the high-toned, flustered rambling toast? Makes it impossible not to love him. (Also “to the world we dream about…” is my most favorite Hadestown quote so. I choked because every time I hear it, especially as genuine and sweet as Reeve says it as he looks out at the crowd, and then at the audience, is just. It makes you feel the reality that this show crosses with its messages and its story as a whole). And then after they drink their toast they all sputter and cough, and then the ending when they all sing “HOW ARE WE LIVING IT” it literally is so powerful and dynamic, I love this ensemble so fucking much. Their energy truly fuels the show. We are blessed.

OOOOHKAY CHILDREN BUCKLE UP FOR ME BEING DECEASED. Because All I’ve Ever Known? Um Eva, what the fuck? In a good way. In the way that the second she started singing I started crying immediately. Because I’ll say it again, she’s just become so soft and romantic that I can’t even handle it. The distinct memory I have from this song (where I literally almost hit my cousin because I went from heart-eyed staring with no breathing and my head in my hands like the stupid hopeless baby lesbian that I am to breathing everything in all at once and coughing a BIG cough of just. Literally just love.) During “You take me in your arms, and suddenly there’s sunlight all around me” Orpheus holds Eurydice with her back to him, and she opens her arms and sings about the sunlight. And I fucking SWEAR TO GOD the smile on her face. Like. Big, wide, eyes closed, you’d 100% fall in love with her the second you saw it too. I don’t know how you couldn’t. She just looks so incredibly happy and peaceful and this is the moment she completely drops her guard (although I’ll say that I believe a lot of it is dropped earlier along. But this moment is a transcendental experience) OH ALSO during the violin instrumental she literally does this like. Handstand split Over Reeve’s head that is so poetically beautiful (that entire choreography is, like. It really just makes the love feel so incredibly palpable, and the fact that this is the turning point of moments where suddenly there are NO MOMENTS where they’re not all over each other is just. It’s a moment.) And then they kiss and it’s flawless and I sob profusely at how beautifully done this entire choreography/moment/existence of two souls happens.

Way Down Hadestown also includes two of my favorite moments; Amber Gray dancing with her body at a 90 degree angle, head looking at the floor, and Orpheus and Eurydice peacing out and sitting to the side sharing a bar stool unable to keep themselves away from each other. Which. Is everything to the point where I literally told my cousin to watch them during this song. Because. His ear kisses (which. I hyperventilated about for like 3 paragraphs back in the beginning of October) are SO MUCH (so tender. So soft. The brushing back of the hair over her ears and the soft spoken words and the head on her head make me want to careen into an abyss and fall in love immediately) but I love them with all of my heart, he is so soft and gentle and it literally feels like such a moment being intruded upon that this is the way these two characters were meant to be played and I will accept nothing else. Also, Eva’s little minor chord, jazzy vocal moment during the last “way down under the GROOOOOOOUND is so beautifully done, I can’t believe she exists and just acts like it’s not a big deal that she can just. Be that good. And I also love the way that this moment is staged; Hades and Persephone are standing on the center turntable, and at those last few “way down, Hadestown, way down under the ground” after “kind of makes you wonder how it feels,” right when it kicks back into the faster tempo the turntable starts to descend. And there’s some fog, and they all stand and watch them go under the ground, and when Eurydice sings the last “way down under…she moves closer to the now hole in the ground and looks deeper, as if she’s so curious as to what is going on.

A Gathering Storm/Epic II I just like that in the OBC recording, Eurydice sounds kind of salty when she says “well, until someone brings the world back into tune, this is how it is.” But I think that it’s perceived more as a kind of matter-of-fact thing, as if watching Persephone descend has brought her back into her shell a little bit, set off some anxieties. She shrugs her shoulders and looks complacent, as if to tell him without as many words that she’s done this before, this is old news, this is going to happen. And when he says “he came for her too soon,” it’s rushed and quiet, but frantic, as if the entire weight of the situation immediately has been cast on his shoulders. And for the most part, that’s all I’ve got for him. The real superstar in this scene is the fucking imagery used to introduce the workers, and the symbolism of the workers AS THE WALL.  So, when he says “With a million hands, he built a wall” the workers ascend from the center turntable in that really tight knit formation we’ve all seen pictures of and it’s just. Watching them in their uniforms come up as he’s talking about this big, brilliant wall and the workers begin to move in unison, then begin their chanting???? The lighting changes, the entire feel changes just based on the workers chanting and really having this ferociously unified choreography. And the most intense facial expressions ever. And they move from the center turntable to the outsides, and then fucking Hades and Persephone come up when the transition happens to Chant and it’s. All you need to completely transform a set is the lighting change, the workers, and the turntable. It’s the most incredible thing to witness this and feel like you’re in a completely different place.

Also, I just always feel for Eurydice in this moment. Because. She’s trying so hard to communicate with Orpheus, who’s standing at the bar stool they’d had their moment at during Way Down Hadestown writing this song, and you can see that she’s trying to be supportive but when she says “is he always like this?” it’s just. Exhaustion. And she says it so much more quiet and defeated than she does on the OBC. It’s heartbreaking. Because at the same point you’re watching Orpheus struggle to write this song, closing his eyes and tapping his feet and just trying to feel and let that feeling translate him into the rest of this song but it just won’t come, and you can see his growing frustration in his furrowed brow and his closed eyes. What I noticed is that during Eva’s little solos “Trying to trust that the song he’s working on is gonna shelter us…” / “I’m trying to believe that the song he’s working on is gonna harbor me from the wind” She hasn’t gone up on the last little phrase like she does on the OBC, which is one of the things I find to be so powerful on the OBC. And it’s still beautiful, but I’m wondering why she’s seemingly been choosing to go down instead of have that little moment of vocal power. OH ALSO. When she says “Give that back! It’s everything we have!” Her voice was BROKEN. And by that I mean she sounded so worried and devastated that. It just. Her voice was cracking as she pleaded for the fates to leave her alone and it was so immensely wonderful, but heartbreaking. Because as she struggles with the fates and their winds, and they rip her possessions from her one by one, she shrinks further into herself as she tries to buck up and continue fighting. But you can see as each thing gets taken (her backpack, her coat, etc) she grows more and more devastated and frightened. And then when they take her jacket, and she has nothing left, and she sings “SHEEEELTER US, HAAAARBOR ME!” She’s on her knees with her head in her hands, rocking back and forth and it is torturous to witness because you just want to cry for her. And Eva’s such a fucking powerhouse that you can feel the raw emotion, the fear and the devastation, and it just consumes. It’s amazing to be broken by Eva Noblezada over and over again, and that’s what she does this entire show. She is phenomenal.

Hey, Little Songbird is a song I don’t really have a lot of notes for. But the one note I do have is that Patrick Page makes everyone so in awe and also slightly frightened or incredibly woke (the amount of small whispers in the audience that compare him to a certain man of political power are to be expected, but always are significant) He also just. Skeeves me out so much in this song, and Eurydice is so broken already that it’s kind of like. She’s resigned and having trouble making sense out of anything that life has just thrown at her, and she keeps going to hold herself because she’s cold and hungry and tortured, and she just. Honestly, she makes the choice seem like one that Eurydice had to make because she looks so lost and hungry and upset and unable to hold herself up anymore that the choice doesn’t seem like a misguided one.

When the Chips are Down If I could have as much talent in my body as these girls have in their pinky finger I’d be set for life. Also, now’s a good time to mention that I had the extreme pleasure of seeing Jessie Shelton step in as a fate and it just. It was a wonderful experience, that girl is incredible. I saw her in August as Eurydice and she did a fantastic job (my only note back then had been that her chemistry with Reeve hadn’t been as strong, but I loved what she did with Eurydice-making her more badass and thick-skinned and over-it and also I genuinely don’t think that the Reeve-Eva chemistry can be matched.) But the flawless nature of these three souls singing together and just. Being the shit-eating-grin, fun to fuck you up, take no prisoners voices inside of your head? It just furthers the interpretation that they are the voices in your head amplified, because while they’re sort of doing their mockery of Eurydice/pushing her for her choice/etc. she covers her ears at one point they’re taunting her and it just. It feels to me as they’re pushing her around that they’re the personification of the battle inside of her heart as well, and she can’t escape the turmoil.

Gone, I’m Gone Me crying because I knew Wait for Me was coming so I was digging through my bag for my tissues and gently laying some on my cousin’s lap. (she hadn’t done a full listen-through of Hadestown before either, so I just. Gently prepared her for what was to come without saying a single word.

Wait for Me Okay, how detailed can I go? I don’t know how to fully capture the immense, all-encompassing, my heart is literally stopped inside of my chest but also full-on beating heavy as possible feeling. The second the first notes started the tears started pouring. I have such a fond memory of seeing this for the first time that every time afterward, I just. MY body kicks into this mode of complete and utter captivation. I’m also an empath so getting to experience a room full of people on the edge of their seats, dead silence, utter captivation and zero breath…..I will never forget this feeling. When I saw Hadestown back in April while it was still in previews, this song was given a 3 minute standing ovation….everyone was just struck and unable to handle the raw emotion. And it still rings true to this day-I was clutching my tissue with such force, watching the lights swing and the workers and their lamps through my tears. The most powerful moment is when the workers come out with their headlamps, and it gets dark-you wonder where you’re being transported to next. It’s a tethering atmosphere. And then, when they plug the lamps in and send them up? When the lamps begin swinging and their lights swing over the audience, casting this brilliant movement and shadow into the air? It holds so much mystery and hope and it gives off this incredible, indescribable power. And the power of the chorus singing along with him? It doesn’t feel like they’re the workers singing along. It feels like Orpheus’s love is so strong and so powerful that the workers are actually just his voice amplifying and exploding and CAREENING AND CREATING ALL OF THIS FUCKING POWER FROM HIS SONG AND HIS LOVE. And also, during the la la las around 1:40 on the OBC recording, when it gets soft and quiet, that’s when the lamps go up into the air, and there’s a rumbling and some fog and the set sort of opens up to reveal sections of bright lights that glow warm, and red. He’s opening the fucking stone wall with his song, people, and it’s the most brilliantly moving staging I have ever seen. Again, you don’t need one million props to captivate an audience. It’s the way the story is told and the music is composed and everything working together. I love this. I love that nothing distracts from the moment, that the las and the workers elevating his voice and the movement of the set and the lights and the fog all come together as one coherent set piece instead of parts of a working machine. It feels so natural that you believe that Orpheus is actually opening the wall with his voice. This piece of theatre is so transcendental that you forget that you’re not actually there. Props to Reeve Carney for existing because the way he performs this song is just so captivating and pure, and you can see the desperation in his eyes but you can also hear it in his voice; it’s more strained (not in a bad or unhealthy way at all, I just mean that it’s like. The culmination of his efforts from the Epic and how hard he was concentrating have elevated his power and he’s just fully unleashing it) You can physically see what I believe-that this strain, this hurt and this hope and this desperation are what lead him to opening the wall. He was able to do it because as he was singing, he was clearly just hurt and so damn determined that he just. He had this red-cheeked, hard-lipped expression while he sang and his body (which I lovingly describe as gangly and limbly) is just. In a power stance. Like. You fully believe in the power of this man during this song, he gives it everything and he is a good portion of the reason it carries its power so immensely through the audience. There’s not a dry eye in the house after. And what I love is the collective, disbelieving mumblings of “oh my god” or “wow” or “he’s incredible” that echo through the room as the applause happens (and lingers, and lingers, until Why We Build the Wall cues us to take a fucking breath) (and the subsequent chatter of people basically asking if what they just watched was real, unable to not mention it during intermission).

Why We Build the Wall This is another one of my all-time favorite Hadestown songs. It just hits so hard. And for a while in the very beginning, I wondered why they didn’t end Act I with Wait for Me. I understand now. I don’t think I fully appreciated this song during my first few listen-throughs, and possibly not even after the first time I saw it. I think that this song deserves to be there because while Wait for Me has a lot of emotional lift and power and just pure mass to it, Why We Build the Wall holds its power differently. It makes the audience kind of shift in their seats, come back to the world we are in, kind of step back from the beautiful show of powerful love and hope and dedication that is Wait for Me and remember that oh, this is what’s going on on the other side. This is the man that’s trying to take everything away from Orpheus. And Patrick Page is such a gently commanding presence during this song-he is strong, and powerful, but in a way that feels scarily easy to him; like he is so confident in his power that it translates to this easy, call-and-response conversation because he knows his workers have no choice but to answer him and to appease him. Also the workers? In this song? Are a sheer force of nature. They look to the audience as they respond to each phrase Hades sings with these set-in-stone, serious, hardened expressions that match each other, and are perfectly in-synch. That’s what terrifies me about the Workers, is that they are so in tune to each other that it truly is like watching a wall, or a well-oiled machine. They do such a beautiful job in creating this sense of unease that this song was absolutely meant to be the ending of act I; they drive you to tears and ferocious emotion with Wait for Me, but they keep you unsettled and uncomfortable and stirred by Why We Build the Wall. And that, my friends, is why this musical was nominated for and won so many Tony’s. Because of it’s ability to make you feel, to ponder and to talk and to interpret. This show is so unique, and wonderful, and full of incredible things that I am always just in awe of it every time I see it.

Carry-Over notes: I skipped around a lot of my notes from the night of the show just because I couldn’t fit the less articulate with my actual thoughts post-show. I listened to the entirety of Act I while doing this, and took notes to the best of my ability and what I could remember.

·        Eva Noblezada is such a soft human being, she is a treasure to this earth and I fully support everything she’s done with Eurydice thus far; soft doesn’t mean weak, and she translates that really well to the way she chooses to carry her. She is a strong woman, but she is so fucking in love that she is also so soft and pure. But you still wouldn’t fuck her up ever

·        A good chunk of my notes from that night are about how Reeve singing the la laas in Epic I is a transcending experience, and how his soft and genuine and gentle expression made me break down immediately, and it can be felt in your soul.

·        I also mention about 100 times that Reeve is 10/10 the only boy who has my heart because he is so artistically passionate and just really really fucking good at what he does (and so, so soft especially in the Orphrydice moments and what I’m calling his making Orpheus canonically obsessed with kissing Eurydice’s ear/side of cheek/neck it is THE SOFTEST MOST PURE THING)

So sorry. This is the longest of ramblings. But you asked for details and honestly I’m really excited to be able to have these long ass notes to save and keep with my playbills to show in the future with my kids or the patrons of the Broadway themed café I want to open when I’m a mid 40s lesbian with a wife and maybe some adopted kids.

[bitter-sweet-coffee]

Henlo! I'm curious what your fave Sonic character(s) is ^^ and do you have any headcanons for them?

oh boy! okay i'm going to do my best to answer this but i have been in this fandom forever and could write a dissertation on just like,,, one character. so instead i'll sparknote some cute things about my top 4 and if you want to hear a more elaborate response i can do separate posts for each of them! it was hard enough to pick a couple characters since i love them all 😊

1) espio the chameleon

i love this little purple man so much oh my god. for starters, i'd like to think he isn't as serious as a lot of people make him out to be. yeah he seems chill but let's be real, he's arrogant and i love every second of it! he definitely radiates hot topic vibes but we're talking ronnie radke, hollywood undead vibes. definitely an e-boy but not in the fake alt way, he just radiates soft-grunge vibes? he's bisexual with a male lean and definitely dated mighty at some point, but i personally ship him with wave (more on that in a second!) his best friend is silver (i ship them too tbh) but his friends are rouge and shadow for the most part. he's the character closest to shadow (personality wise, not emotional proximity) and i adore their interactions in shadow's game so i sorta ship them too...? ahhh this is supposed to be about headcanons! anyways, i think he's fun to be around and has a thing for people with good stories to tell: wave about the past, silver about the future, and rouge/shadow with the present as agents. i think the cooperation between the chaotix detective agency and GUN is something people should write more often! oh, and he likes green tea boba ✨

2) wave the swallow

god, she made me realize i like girls and i still absolutely adore her. it was taken down but at one point years ago, her birthday was listed as november 11th which makes her a scorpio, and as a fellow scorpio i stand by it! she's also definitely bi but with a female lean, and her best friend/occasional partner is rouge. they remind me of maddy and cassie from euphoria, but wave isn't as bitter as maddy ofc. i feel like people forget that storm and jet are pretty damn incompetent without her, she literally does everything for them and that's a big nod to her people pleasing. yeah she's arrogant, but she's not wrong in being self absorbed because she keeps things running! she radiates hayley kiyoko, p!nk, 100gecs, and paramore vibes. she's a baddie but a softie! i think her and espio would be amazing together (even platonically) because he loves learning and debates, and she has a lot to say and needs someone to respond, as opposed to zoning out. i feel like she could be a famous rollerskater on tiktok or something, and would have her own line of custom gear! she might be cold and competitive, but she's really sweet and just has no way of expressing it... poor girl. i think her and sonic could be amazing friends, and i'd love to see more art of them being pals and going on adventures together!

3. shadow the hedgehog

hehehehehe oh boy, as the current love interest of my fixation character, shadow is getting more attention than usual these days! i always liked him but my fave boy and girl were espio and wave for the longest time, so finally getting to fixate on shadow is great for me! shadow is neurodivergent, basically in canon. his memory issues are both trauma related and just a part of his programming. something that i admire about espio and shadow being friends is that the former loves authority and doesn't need it, but the latter despises it but needs it. shadow was created to obey, and so even if GUN wrongs him a thousand times, he needs them. it's why he keeps going back to eggman, and helps sonic when asked. shadow might not admit it, but he has a saviour complex! although i agree that with modern music he'd listen to like mcr and pierce the veil etc, i think he'd also resonate with sex pistols and other music from the decades he missed while in stasis (footloose is probably one of his fave movies just because of the killer soundtrack!) he loves flowers and does his best to take care of plants, has nervous tics, and the reason his quills turn upwards is because of all the chaos energy he has! super sonic's quills turn up when transformed, and shadow is constantly tapped into that energy: even with inhibitors it's a lot to manage. shadow also loves reading, and i think his favourite book would be The Wars by Timothy Findley (amazing read, please check it out because it reminds me so much of Shadow oh my god)

4. INFINITE!!!

okay i have to keep this one short but he is currently my favourite character, and i could talk about him forever. i know SEGA claims his real name is Infinite, but i headcanon that in the village he came from he wasn't given a name because he was considered a burden and a curse (due to his heterochromia and other reasons). for me he was called araperi or ara (nothing/no in Georgian) because they only referred to him via negative reinforcement. the scar on his eye is because either he or another jackal tried to claw it out when he was little because it made him an outcast and he wanted to belong. he only started school when he was in highschool and never really learned how to read english (i base a lot of his village lore around Georgia and my experiences with Georgian culture- even though my culture was erased when i got adopted lol). he only learned english through musical theatre, and is fluent but not very literate in english (can't read or write very well). he radiates younger sibling vibes so i headcanon that he has 4 older sisters who all treated him pretty bad on varying levels. after a year or two of highschool he ran away with some friends and after meeting more nomads, squad jackal was eventually formed! infinite (or finn as i sometimes call him) was definitely into theatre (his favourite musical being sweeney todd) and he's an AMAZING singer, acting too (which is sorta canon because he adopted shadow's personality and fighting style after their first encounter and rehearsed a whole monologue lmao). his singing voice sounds like clem turner's but with a bit more rasp, probably because i feel like he'd listen to bring me the horizon and kim dracula! infinite is actually a big puppy once he likes you, he's just secretly awkward and insecure as hell (maybe the last part isn't a secret, haha)

wow, this was longer than expected and i feel like i hardly said anything, but this is sorta where i'm at with these four! i could talk about them forever though, so feel free to ask follow ups or request a full post for them, any ships i mentioned (or didn't) or if you want a post about anyone else!

[oftenderweapons]

Cold Nights - Hoseok

Pairing: Hoseok x reader (nicknamed Giggles)

Wordcount: 1.5k words

Genre: (hinted/mild) smut, fluff, lowkey angst

Rating: suggested 18+

Hiya! It’s Hobi’s turn! I have finally finished writing my dissertation, which is currently being checked by my professor. There might be some editing to do, but I’ll have to hand it in on Monday so I’ll feel more relaxed after that. Last step will be presenting it to a commission from my university that will give me my final grade. And then GRADUATION (supposedly November 4th)!

But let’s move on to more pleasant stuff! This fic is set a couple days after Hoseok’s Love Talk and it deals with Hobi’s feels for his Giggles. The end of this drabble is ideally the beginning of Hobi’s Wild Nights.

Word count: around 3k maybe, didn’t check 🤔

Here you can find my Masterlist

Enjoy!

————————————————————

Hoseok stared at his feet.

He had just left your place and he felt messy.

Yoongi opened the door almost immediately. "Hey."

"Hey." He responded quietly.

"Are you busy? Is Kitten around?" He asked as he entered his apartment and took off his shoes.

"No, she's with Angel." He said.

"They're hanging out a lot together." He noticed. "If I were you I'd be worried."

"Who told you I'm not." Yoongi quipped, shaking his head with an exasperated laugh.

They both entered the kitchen and sat down at the table. "Beer or soju?"

Hoseok exhaled. "Beer."

"Cool." Actually, fuck. He silently grabbed two cans. Maybe he should directly go for all six of them. This conversation was about to get heavy. "Listen, I love talking about Kitten--"

"You love Kitten, full stop."

"I do, but that is not the point." Yoongi remarked. "What is going on?"

Hoseok laced his fingers together, placing them on the table. "I think you know by now but I'm seeing someone."

"As in dating or hallucinating?" Yoongi asked with a serious, concerned tone which made him even more hilarious.

Hoseok shook his head.

"Just kidding, go on." Yoongi said, happy that Hoseok was hiding a smile. He was glad he could instill some happiness even though he looked so lost.

"Giggles."

"Oh, is that your Kitten?" Yoongi asked. "I mean is she to you what Kitten is to me?" In the meanwhile he put two glasses and the drinks on the table.

Hoseok laid his forehead on the back of his hands. "I don't know. I think so?" He sat up straight again. "She's a masterpiece. Cute and kind and bright and so, so lovely."

"But?" Yoongi nagged. Usually this was the point when Hoseok said he didn't feel anything or that she was boring or that he needed something different.

Hoseok shook his head, laying down again. It was slightly hilarious. "No buts." He rose up again, skittish. "But maybe it's temporary and I'll grow bored or she'll get tired and maybe it's just too early to find out about buts and maybes."

Yoongi opened his bear and poured some as Hoseok merely mirrored his gestures without really thinking. "How long has this been going on with the two of you?"

"More or less... Three months?"

"Mh." Yoongi meditated. His arrangements were usually a few weeks, maybe a couple months. This was the point where his interest just disappeared. From here on it was all uncharted territory for him. That's why he looked so scared, Yoongi thought.

"I don't know if I've been — like — swept off my feet by the sex or if this is actually affection."

Yoongi pouted and nodded.

"I've never had someone like her, Yoongi. I've never felt this need to protect and just gush all over someone. I want to tell everyone about her. And then I want to keep her all to myself."

"Does she make you happy?" Yoongi asked.

"Yes." He didn't hesitate one second. "I've never felt my life so full. It just... It feels like I don't even have to try. Like she needs to be in my life for some reason because she makes it better."

"What do you expect from your ideal partner?" Yoongi asked taking another sip of beer.

Hoseok looked at the glass and drank too, reflecting on his answer. "I think other than love and respect, maybe... Peace? Serenity? Someone who can pick me up when I feel down? She's just... She's ticked all the damn boxes so far and I can't help but be continuously reminded of how fucking perfect she is." Hoseok scrunched his face. "If she's not the one, then I don't know who could possibly be."

"And I bet you haven't told her about this, huh?"

Hoseok let himself go, his elbows propped on the table, his head in his hands. "How could I? I don't even know what the fuck is going on.".

"You do know though."

"How can I, Yoongi? How can I ask that?" Hoseok raised his voice. "This started as sex, Yoongi. I'm not like you wrapping my emotions in gift paper and handing it to my partner whenever I start seeing someone new."

Yoongi stayed still, blinking.

"Sorry. I overreacted. I think I'm in panic mode." Hoseok frowned. "It's... I'm afraid she'll throw me away?"

"You should be having this conversation with Namjoon. Do you remember what he put himself through for that precise fear?" Yoongi poured all the beer left in his can. "I think you should tell her you want to be with her. Call it what you want. Maybe Kitten and I did it the traditional way, went on dates, did stuff together, said our "I love you"s and got together, but that's not the only way to do that. You know how it went with Joon and Vixen."

"They were dating too. Giggles and I are not like that."

"How did it happen?"

"Mickey's vet was on holiday during an emergency, I took him to the vet and she was the substitute. It sort of spiraled out of control."

"I wanna ask how, but I'm not sure I wanna know." Yoongi snickered.

"I asked her number, she gave it to me. Went to a sort of a date but things got kinky and we hit it off..." He slipped into silence.

"Hobi, I think you should just find the nerves to tell her you want more. I know it's scary as fuck and everything, but I'm pretty sure she's a sweet girl who'd love to be by your side."

"She is sweet." Hoseok said with dreamy eyes. "And caring, and loving and funny and so, so soft."

"Just ask her out already. Simply tell her 'Hey, you, I know we've been going at it like bunnies for months but do you wanna go out for dinner or whatever, see if we work as something more?" Yoongi resolved practically.

"Do you think she'll say yes?" Hoseok asked, a little anxious.

"I think the right way to approach this is, what happens if she says no?" Yoongi reasoned.

"I don't want to think about it."

"In my opinion she would just say 'thanks man, but I'm not interested' and you'd just keep fucking like bunnies."

"And what would I do with my feelings?" Hoseok asked, frowning at his empty glass.

Yoongi smiled bitterly. "I am not the greatest advisor with this but I'd say you either keep them on the low or let them go. If you can." He perched himself on the chair, bringing his knees to his chest. "Personally, if she said no, I would let go of her and find someone new. It hurts but usually you cannot kill feelings for someone. The more you go on, the more it hurts. But just talk it out with her, casually."

Hoseok nodded and stood up abruptly. "I can't keep living with the doubt. I can't go on like this. Gotta go. Thank you, Yoongi."

Hoseok dashed for the entryway, Yoongi at his heels. "Guess if it goes sour you'll text me for a drunk pity party?"

Hobi was already putting his shoes on. "Guess so." Left shoe.

"And if it goes well you'll just go AWOL for a couple hours?" Yoongi suggested.

"More like a couple days, but we'll see." Right shoe. He stood up, grabbing his coat. "Thanks a lot. You know you're the best friend in the world, right?"

Yoongi nodded with a soft smile. "You are, too. Good luck."

"Thanks, see you!" Hoseok sprinted out of the door.

Yoongi simply closed the door behind him, shaking his head with a smirk.

-----------------------------

"Hey." One sweaty, breathless Jung Hoseok stood at your door. His call had caught you by surprise: when you had picked up your phone he asked if you were home so he could stop by. You told him you had just arrived from your shift. And now you were at your doorstep, staring at each other.

"Hello." You said with a confused smile.

"I'm in love with you." He declared, still breathless, hunched down, standing with his knees bent and his hands propped on them for support.

You blinked a few times, asking yourself where all of this was coming from.

Fuck it. "I love you too." You said, ignoring the common sense and reason suggesting you asked an explaination for this.

He went wide-eyed with incredulity, standing up straight. Next thing you knew he was kissing you desperately, pushing you back in your apartment and closing the door with his foot. "I love you." He purred.

"I love you too, Hobi. I'm in love with you, baby."

He growled. "Bedroom. Now."