#just logical deadpan and blunt to a fault

[crabsnpersimmons]

thanks @random-tail and @enamoredfey for the questions! i'll let Sun himself answer:

long-story short, Sun doesn’t believe he has emotions since he is a robot 😔

of course, he sees Moon and Eclipse emote all the time. he usually attributes it to Moon being a fool (believing he is something he's not) and Eclipse being manipulative (given that he was originally built for the theater)

but there is a part of him that wonders if he is missing something—he just doesn’t understand what that is

Note: i should also mention, his voice is almost completely monotone. the closet idea of a voice claim for this Sun is Greg Chun's voice for Lukas from Fire Emblem Echoes—fairly even in tone, somewhat soft

[virdityshattred]

With all the deadpan bluntness of an angst-filled teenage boy (because at the end of the day, that’s all he really was), Pin looked at him and stated, “Because you’re a freak. Who th’ talks like that? Who fuckin’...” He curled tighter, glaring at the man over his knees. “I don’t believe you. You’re gonna try somethin’. Ain’t no one jus...wanderin’ around in the fuckin’ rain like that.”

His eyes flickered away, down to the muddy tips of his shoes. He should’ve worn boots, his canvas sneakers were just about soaked through. “Why wouldn't your motives matter t’ me? I’m fuckin’ stuck here with you, aren’t I?” Pin knew, deep down, it was just being in this place that was unsettling him, making him lash out at this man. Though he was sure it wasn’t a man, not really. “Bet you’re a fuckin’ freak. Bring kids here, make them....m-make them...” His voice shook, hands clenching at his knees. “Make them pray while you fuck them.”

----

Pin's words both made Micheal feel disgusted, but also angry at the same time. How dare they speak like that in this holy place! utter blasphemy. He could feel the flame under his skin growing --- were they trying to challenge him to a fight? had that really been their motive this whole time? challenge and deception as to look innocent but was a mere loathsome little wicked crecture no less to a demon ( hint hint).

At the same time felt the logical side of himself, the side which he put out when dealing with finer matters pulling him back.He'd blow their disguise and may harm the other. Micheal cared more about the protection of his angels on his side. Humans? he didn't care but only bothered to assist them in war and protect because responsibility, because he was a symbol of order and protection---- it was his purpose; at the drop of a hat was willing to obey the creator's hefty order. With a wordless small shake of their head averting their eyes from Pin with a sigh. Settling into a praying position head bowed and all, candles flickering every now and then.

Micheal was weary. He'd come to this holy place to seek tranquility and nothing more; it was as simple as that. He'd done this time and time again. The archangel could still recall the beginnings of heaven ; thrown out into a hardly built world. All too quickly bought to knowing that the world wasn't soft, just like that their innocence ripped from them piece by piece slowly. The creator had shown their merciless side of themselves to him---forcing them to obsessively worship them; but was only a mere child. Micheal didn't shine before the divine world their voice was out of tune, he'd been told that their flaws was their fault alone. He'd sought forgiveness for this worshipping the lord excessively but all he got? dead silence. Terrified only did this again, naive alone dedicated their existence to the creator studying the ancient word of God but nothing--- shown no affection but had learned the reality of the world all too quickly, far too young.

The rough hand of the lord had thrown heavy duties upon him occasionally too. Duties that shouldn't be put on a mere child-- but by divine standard was fine! besides Micheal was strong he could be a protector or others someday. He'd learned that ' duty takes priority' free will wasn't real but a fantasy, had quickly leant that perfection was right and mistakes are wrong-- flaws are wrong. For all his troubles only got that same silence. Over the slow ticking centuries found himself repeating the same behavior, allowing himself to be treated like some laboratory rat. Eventually after so long could feel their faith in the creator fading as a result of that silence--- bit by bit slipping from him but never relented from it, forcing themselves to stand by a father who was never a father. He'd wanted to be better then they'd ever been he'd done good!--he'd tried to fight their heavy shackles refusing to not let themselves be controlled anymore. Still here he was. Once he'd finished he'd finished praying as gracefully as ever rose to their feet looking over at Pin again with a kindly glint in their eyes.

" I bid you farewell. May peace find you. " Then with that looked away again and walked off in the same manner as he'd walked before--looking as if was walking on clouds.

@pincushionheartt

[patton-croc-agenda]

The 5 Stages of Having a Crush

A/N: This is based off @the-pastel-peach‘s High school AU! Please check them out! God I love cheerleader Patton! If I weren’t so gay I would probably sweep him into my arms (actually scratch that I will platonically sweep him into my arms because I love he).

Words: 3,476

Pairings: Pining Logicality with side pining Prinxiety 

Warnings: Swearing, lightly implied sexual humor, lots of pining

“For the last time, just ask him out like a normal human being!”

That was what Logan had said to Virgil three days ago, because that was the obvious answer to Virgil’s weird obsession with Roman Prince. Ask him out, actually go on a date. That way they could find if they were compatible and therefore they would either continue to date until eventually marriage and/or copulation or they would realize they were not compatible and break up. Simple.

Well, to put it bluntly, Logan from three days ago was a fucking idiot.

It wasn’t necessarily his fault, because Logan from three days ago hadn’t yet seen met Patton Foster. Well, met was a strong word. Logan from three days ago hadn’t yet seen Patton Foster do the goddamn splits multiple times in his stupid cheer outfit. In fact, Logan from three days ago had yet to even attend a single event where the cheer squad was present, as he found watching sports rather dull and had been able to skip most prep rallies in order to get in some extra studying.

So yes, watching Patton Foster do a cheer routine for the first time was not easy on one’s heart. That had to be all it was, though. The fact of the matter was that every person in the whole school loved Patton with a burning passion. Logan had been the exception, but he supposed this was an inescapable scientific fact that pertained to everyone, no exceptions.  

That was how Logan found himself laying in his bed, staring up at his ceiling contemplating his stupid, illogical feelings. He groaned and pressed his palms over his eyes, causing his glasses to slip off onto the pillows. He looked up at the now blurry stars that he had put up about five years ago with Virgil’s help. He smiled softly at the memory, wondering if Virgil could help him with this situation too.

Picking up his phone, Logan hit Virgil’s contact and put it on speaker, tossing the phone next to him as he continued to stare upward. It rang twice before Virgil picked up.

“Lo, you know I hate talking on the phone,” Virgil greeted, voice groggy.

“Apologies, Virgil. Were you asleep?”

“No,” Virgil obviously lied, “whatsup?” Logan rubbed his eyes again. The imagine of Patton Foster’s soft, smiling face burned behind his eyelids.

“I need your assistance.”

“Oh?” Virgil snorted, “I was hoping you were just calling to check in on me.”

“Ha ha, focus please.”

“Right, right. What do you need help with?” Logan took a deep breath and wondered how the hell he could word this without making it sound like he had a crush. Because he didn’t. Logan had not had a crush in about six years, and he was not looking to break that record. Especially not because of Patton Goddamn Foster.

“Lo?”

“When did Patton Foster become attractive?”

Nailed it.

There was a pause on the other line before Virgil spoke again, voice wobbling slightly.

“What?” Logan sat up and grabbed his phone, bringing it closer to his lips.

“When did. Patton fucking Foster. Get. Hot.”

“Oh my GOD.” Logan heard a rustling as Virgil set down the phone, and listened as Virgil’s sudden laughter grew soft and muffled. Logan felt like his face was burning. Well, that had been a bit more blunt then Logan had intended, but it got the point across.

“OKAY, OKAY. Okay,” Virgil wheezed, picking his phone back up.

“H-hold on can we fucking Facetime, I wanna see your face.” Logan huffed but complied, hanging up the call.

He barely had a second to accept the Facetime Virgil had requested before Virgil was laughing again, his eyeshadow smeared with tears.

“Okay, okay. So, Patton Foster hasn’t changed in appearance for like, the last two and a half years. Hasn’t even changed how he’s gotten his hair cut.” Logan frowned, brow furrowing in utter confusion and concentration. He could hear Virgil snickering again, but ignored it.

“Then...how come I suddenly find him more attractive. Surely something changed.”

“Well, when did you ‘start finding him more attractive’,” Virgil asked, raising an eyebrow. Logan looked at the phone, feeling his face start to grow redder and redder. He couldn’t admit that he suddenly found Patton attractive because of the utterly ridiculous football game Virgil had dragged him to, he would never live it down!

It seemed, however, he had no choice. Not with the way Virgil was staring at him with his creepy, all-seeing eyes. Logan hated that look.

“Football game,” he muttered.

“What was that?” Virgil smirked.

“The football game.”

“Speak up, buddy.”

“THE STUPID FOOTBALL GAME, OKAY?!” Logan shouted, bright red again. Virgil didn’t even react the the shout.

“Oh? What about the football game?” Virgil wiggled his eyebrows. Logan somehow felt like he was growing redder.

“Say, isn’t Patton a cheerleader? Head cheerleader if I’m right.”

“Shut it.”

“Oh? Cheerleaders sure are flexible aren’t they Lo? Did you see some of the flips they did? And those splits?”

“I despise you with the heat of a thousand metaphorical suns,” Logan growled. Virgil snickered.

“Aw, love you too Lo. Welcome to the crush club.”

“I do not have a crush on him!”

“Ah, stage 1 of the crush club, I remember it well,” Virgil said poking his tongue out a bit. Logan frowned, eyes narrowing at his friend.

“Stage 1? What do you mean?”

“Denial,” Virgil winked. Logan stared at Virgil a moment, before deadpanning, “that is the first stage of grief, Virgil.”

“Eh, you’re grieving your sanity. Good luck Lo. Sleep well. Don’t think about Patton in his cheer outfit. Or out of it,” Virgil grinned wickedly and sent Logan some finger guns before ending the call.

Needless to say, Logan did not sleep well that night.

~~~~~

Logan flopped down next to Virgil during lunch, yanking open his lunchbox.

“Woah, what’d that lunchbox ever do to you?” Virgil asked, nodding to Logan’s aggressive behavior.

“This is so stupid,” Logan ripped into his sandwich like a hungry wolf, causing the few kids around them to scoot away. Even Virgil looked a bit intimidated, though it was overshadowed by a look that screamed impressed.

“What’s stupid?” Virgil asked. Logan threw down his half-eaten lunch and gestured vaguely in what had been previously dubbed the ‘Obnoxious  Vigil Pining Zone’. Aka, where Roman and Patton sat, surrounded by their friends. Come to think of it, take Virgil’s name out of that title and it would still fit perfectly.

“Oh? Stage 2 huh?” Virgil asked, folding his hands and placing his chin on them. Logan scowled.

“I hate this. Look at his stupid, smiling face. Why is he so happy all the time. I found myself staring at him the entirety of chemistry instead of taking notes. Now I have to ask someone else for the notes. People are going to wonder why I was not paying attention, Virgil!” Logan was maybe, possibly, raising his voice.

“Dude, I can’t believe I have to say this to you, but it’s just a crush.”

“I DON’T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM!” Logan shouted, slamming his hands down on the table. A hush fell over the cafeteria, and Logan saw Patton looking at him out of the corner of his eye. Logan coughed into his fist and sat back down, cheeks dusted pink.

“Ah, yes. That’s why you screamed about it,” Virgil nodded as the regular chatter picked up again. Logan huffed and continued to eat his lunch, shoving down his irrational anger. He was being ridiculous.

~~~~

“Dear God,” Logan wasn’t religious, but he was about to try anything at this point. He had his head bowed as he squeezed his hands together and his eyes shut.

“Please, please, please. Let me have a crush on literally any student in this entire school other than Patton Foster. Please.”

Logan lifted his head and stared across the field, where the cheerleaders were warming up. Fuck.

Logan took a deep breath through his nose and took the first step across the football field, taking the ten seconds it would take to reach Patton to talk himself out of this.

Virgil complained about having a crush on the most popular boy in school, but he forgot the fact that not everyone actually liked Roman, since he was so loud, and obnoxious, and jocks and popular kids in general had negative points in the loser kids’ eyes. However, no matter the fact that Patton was the second most popular boy in school, no one hated him. Not students, not teachers, not even Virgil. And Virgil hated pretty much everyone except Logan and Roman (though he claimed to hate Roman at times).

All in all, extremely popular and beloved boy and nerdy, cold student body president were not compatible. In fact, if this were a movie, Patton would be matched with a proper love interest and Logan would be the creepy and/or cruel antagonist trying to pull the couple apart. In the end, Logan would be defeated and Patton and his lover would ride off into the metaphorical sunset, with the viewers caring nothing of Logan’s fate. Ugh, when did his fantasies become so elaborate?

“HI LOGAN!” Logan stumbled forward as a rather peppy and excited voice burst through his mental spiral. He felt strong arms wrap around his middle, stopping him from toppling over completely.

“Oopsie, sorry about that,” the familiar voice giggled. Oh, fuck. Logan felt his face heat up and he forced himself to pull away and look Patton in the eyes.

Bad choice, Logan. Bad choice! Patton’s eyes were warm and excited, like he was a puppy or something else most people found unbearably cute. Logan coughed and adjusted his glasses.

“Yes, well, hello. Thank you, Patton,” Logan said. Patton’s eyes grew wide and Logan worried he’d said something wrong before oh God he’s hugging me help me. Help me.

“You know my name!” Patton squealed, releasing Logan and sounding absolutely delighted. He was delighted that Logan knew his name.

“I, uh, yes. You are one of the most popular and well known students in our school,” Patton’s face dimmed at that, so Logan hurriedly tacked on, “also we’re in chemistry together!” Patton metaphorically ‘lit up’ again at that. Logan was more surprised that Patton knew his name if anything.

“Well what brings you here, Mr. President?” Patton winked, and Logan hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt. He coughed and adjusted his tie (which he wore to school because being in school did not excuse looking improper), and then his glasses. Patton’s head dropped curiously to the side and it was, well, frankly it was adorable.

“The school board wanted me to check and make sure that the cheerleaders were practicing all the safety procedures required as they prepared their routine. Something about pyramids?” Patton crossed his arms and pouted at that.

“Aw are they saying we can’t do our pyramid? I was gonna be on top this time!” Patton either didn’t hear Logan choke on his own spit, or decided to ignore it. Logan prayed it was the former.

“I do not think they were not allowing you to do so, I believe they just said to make sure you practice with mats as much as possible until the next game!” Logan said hurriedly, a little too fast for his own taste. Patton lit up again, grabbing Logan’s hands and putting them on his chest; Logan sputtered at the sudden contact.

“Oh that’s wonderful! We got some new mats recently anyway, I think someone donated to the football team recently or something and we got some of the extra money-” Patton was still babbling, but Logan couldn’t focus on anything except the warm and soft material of Patton’s silky uniform under his hands- of the heartbeat pattering under his palms.

It reminded Logan of when he and a classmate as children found a tiny bird in the rain. The boy with him had placed it in Logan’s hands; he gave a smiling missing baby teeth, before he had gone to get his dad or something and Logan has just stared at the tiny thing in his cupped hands.

“Lo?” Logan snapped his attention away from where he was staring at Patton’s chest oh God.

“Apologies, Patton, I got distracted and was staring into space,” he pulled his hands away, mourning their warmth. Patton beamed and shrugged nonchalantly.

“All good! Say, did you wanna watch us practice?” Logan froze, brain rewinding and rewinding again the question.

“P-pardon?”

“Yeah, we don’t usually let boys watch since they usually make rude or inappropriate comments about the girls, but you haven’t glanced at them since you got here,” Patton laughed. Logan frowned.

“There are other cheerleaders here?” he asked, internally smacking himself because no Logan, Patton was out here practicing by himself.

“See what I mean?” Patton giggled. Without waiting for Logan to answer, Patton grabbed his hands again and dragged him over to the bleachers, dispensing him there.

“HEY GANG IS IT COOL IF LOGAN STAYS TO WATCH?” Patton called. Logan felt the gaze of the other cheerleaders on him as he turned his gaze to his shoes.

“Yeah, Logan’s cool. I’ve seen him at, like, one game and all he was doing was staring at you,” a girl shrugged. Logan spluttered and looked away.

“I only went because Virgil wanted to gawk at Roman Prince in his football uniform,” Logan grumbled. That caused a few snickers throughout the crowd.

“Can you blame him?”

“Nah, that’s the only reason I signed up for cheer.”

“Wait seriously? Oh my God!”

“Virgil? Like, the Virgil who hangs out with you all the time?” Patton put his hands on either side of Logan’s legs and leaned in and Jesus Patton ever hear of personal space?

“Um. Yes?”

“OH MY GOD!” Patton squealed bouncing up and away from Logan and doing a twirl which was...quite adorable.

“Oh my God, okay, so Roman’s been talking about Virgil like all the time now-a-days! He thinks Virgil hates him or something, but I keep trying to get him to ask him on a date and now I know he doesn’t hate Roman because he has a crush on Roman too!” Patton said it all in one breath, it made Logan slightly dizzy.

“Roman has a crush on Virgil? Well, then I’ve been listening to Virgil’s pining for nothing,” Logan grumbled, crossing his arms. Patton giggled.

“I know! Like, it’s obvious they like each other. Say why don’t we-” “PATTON STOP TALKING LOGAN’S EARS OFF WE NEED TO PRACTICE!” one of the cheerleaders called. Patton shrugged and bounded away, calling over his shoulder, “We’ll talk later LoLo!” Logan nodded, but as soon as Patton turned his back he put his head in his hands and screamed as silently as he could.

~~~~~

“Hey Log- woah, what happened to you?” Virgil asked that following Monday. Logan’s hair was a mess, glasses askew, and his tie was crooked. He sighed and looked at Virgil with a dead expression.

“I have a crush on Patton.”

“No shit. Wait did you two-”

“Finish that sentence and I will throw my Advanced History textbook at your head,” Logan grumbled. Virgil immediately backed off. Logan did not want to admit he had spent the entire weekend watching ‘How to Deal with a Crush’ videos on YouTube and eating Crofters jam straight out of the jar. Virgil must have seen something on his face though, as he shrugged and said with a small smile, “You admitted you have a crush on him.”

“I did.”

“Stage 5, congrats,” Virgil said. He didn’t sound exactly enthusiastic about it, though. Logan snorted.

“At least you have a chance.” Virgil’s head snapped up at that and he grabbed Logan by the shoulders, looking desperately into his eyes.

“Wait, what does that mean? Logan, who told you that? Did Patton? What did he say?!” Logan was cut off from answering when he saw Patton run over from behind Virgil and tap him on the shoulder. Virgil turned around and Patton waved.

“Heya! Would you mind if I stole Lo here for a teenie, tiny, second?” Logan felt his heart rate increase as Virgil looked desperately from one to another before slumping his shoulders in defeat and nodding.

“Thanks!” Patton chirped, latching onto Logan’s arm and practically dragging him to the auditorium. Logan followed meekly, not knowing what was in store for him.

“I got him!” Patton called, and Roman Prince appeared from the shadows, making Logan jump. He wondered, briefly, if the ability to melt into the auditorium background when not on stage came with the theater kid package.

“Excellent! Patton, you may go,” Roman waved him off. Patton pouted, giving that puppy-dog look that made the entire student body melt.

“But I wanna hang out with you guysssssss,” Patton whined. Logan felt the alarms in his head blare a bit. He didn’t mind getting kidnapped by Patton, because Logan’s logical reasoning on Patton had been burned, spat on, and tossed out a friggin window. Roman, however, had a history of being a bit of a bully at rare times, and Logan didn’t want to be alone with him.

“It’ll be just a second, promise!” Roman flashed Patton a smile, apparently immune to his charms. The perks of being Patton’s best friend, he supposed. Patton sighed and gave Logan a sad look. Logan hurriedly pulled out his phone and offered it to Patton, who looked confused.

“Add your number,” Logan said, surprised and pleased that his voice failed to crack or shake. Patton looked at it another second before snatching it from his hands and typing hurriedly.

“I texted myself so I’d have your number, but I’ll text you for real later!” Patton said, sounding like Logan had just gifted him with something much more valuable than a simple phone number. Logan nodded numbly and watched as Patton bounced off, finally turning to face his fate with Roman.

Roman Prince towered over him, as he was one of the tallest boys in the school, and Logan was one of the shortest, even with his impeccable posture. Logan didn’t let this deter him, though, as he’d heard Virgil gush about this boy to the point Logan was pretty sure he could escape any threat given to him based on that information alone (seriously, Virgil, Logan did not care about Roman Prince’s goddamn shoe size).

“So, I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while, and since you and Patton are kind of the friends now it seemed like the opportunity has finally arisen,” Roman leaned back on his heels, looking almost nervous. Logan folded his arms and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh?”

“Yes I, um,” Roman rubbed the back of his head, “you are friends with Virgil, correct?” Logan blinked. Ah.

“Are you planning to ask him out?” Logan asked. Roman sputtered in surprise, waving his hands in front of himself.

“No! Yes? Maybe?!” Roman looked as though Logan had threatened to punch him. Scratch that- he looked like someone who wasn’t two heads shorter than him had threatened to punch him.

“I was a-actually wondering,” did Roman Prince just stutter? Logan was cackling internally, “if Virgil um, hates me?” Logan snorted despite himself, making Roman look horribly offended.

“What? He’s keeps glaring at me!” Roman said, sounding desperate. Logan chuckled.

“He does not hate you, Roman. I think he is simply perpetually stuck in stage 2.” Roman looked confused, rubbing his forehead.

“What? What does that mean? Logan, what does that mean?” Logan snickered.

“I’m sure he will tell you eventually. Just ask him out, Roman,” Logan said, a smile quirking at the corner of his lips. Roman scowled, and Logan turned on his heels to walk out.

He had his hand on the door when Roman called out, “Hey, Logan.” Logan turned and met Roman’s gaze; he was smiling wryly.

“You seem like a pretty cool guy. However, you being friends with Virgil won’t stop me from destroying you if you break Patton’s heart.” Logan felt all the blood drain from his face.

“W-what? What does that mean? Roman?” Roman sauntered past Logan, opening to door.

“We’re going to be late for class, which I know your little nerd heart wouldn’t be able to handle. Let’s go,” Roman strode past Logan, standing tall. Logan swallowed nervously, feeling a buzz from his phone.

Me [7:45 am]: fgfdhfghdf

Patton-cake <3 [7:58 am]: Hi Logi! It’s me, Patton!!!!!!! Well you probably knew that cause i put my name in your phone haha! See you in chem?

Logan smiled, putting Roman’s threat from his mind. Okay, so maybe he had a crush on Patton, but there were worse boys to fall for.

Me: I look forward to it immensely, Patton.

Taglist: @fluidityandgiggles @hanramz-the-fander @supremestoverlord @ilikesomeshtuff

[susandsnell]

it's been bugging me for a while now, but five worst parts of the dark Knight and one good part. bc I know you hate the movie 😂😂

boh. oh my gosh. b please don’t hate me.  😂😂

Five worst parts of the Dark Knight: 

5. The Filmmaking. More specfically: LONG AND WASHED OUT PALETTE. IT’S SO FUCKING LONG. IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE OVER TWO AND A HALF HOURS WITH TEN PLOTS TO WRAP UP AND HAVE NO FUCKING COLOURS IN IT. WE GET IT, NOLAN, A MAN DRESSED UP AS A BAT BRINGS YOU NO JOY AND SO NOW WE HAVE TO NOT HAVE ANY JOY IN OUR HEARTS EITHER, THANKS A LOT. HERE I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE FUN AT A MOVIE ABOUT BATMAN, BUT YOU SURE PROVED ME WRONG. 

4.  The Writing. Holy pretentious dialogue Batman! Where do I begin?Harvey Dent’s “I will state the theme of my arc in the most lazy and blatant foreshadowing speech until Emma Stone literally says she’s gonna die in the opening of The Amazing Spiderman 2″ gets quoted all the time and yes, superhero movies aren’t known for their subtlety, and not all great movies need to be subtle, but the “die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain” is egregious not only for the reasons I stated, but is a nauseating indicator of the film’s cynicism (despite what the boat climax purports to be proving!). Alfred’s “some men just want to watch the world burn” speech is similar albeit less facepalmy and Theme Stating. It’s blunt and heavy-handed, overly expositional, and very hit-you-over-the-head with regard to commentary. 

And here’s the thing! It could work in the context of the type of movie it is - The Shape of Water pretty much opens with a statement of the “who the real monster is” idea, but it works because the film is a fairy tale and presents itself as such, whereas this movie wants to have its cake and eat it too as a “super adult DEEP subtle COMPLEX movie” with incredibly clear and simple shit like this. Beyond that,  Nolan really has a dialogue issue in a lot of his works where nobody just has a fucking conversation. Everything has to be the most serious issue in the world or a ten thousand word treatise on the fundamental dichotomies of human nature or some shit you’d hear in a freshman philosophy 101 course from that guy nobody can tolerate who thinks he’s G-d’s gift because he wears glasses or some shit, I don’t know. Even the Joker, an agent of chaos, gets wrapped up into it! Like he is a showman, but the yammering and rambles of shit that isn’t even that deep but pretends to be gets on my damn nerves. And the worst part is that it comes at the expense of the characters. 

They don’t really…develop emotional bonds (even with Rachel, the token woman And Therefore the Object At Which Emotions are Thrown). I’m not invested because none of these characters are real or relatable or have human interactions. The script shouldn’t be an anchor that drowns the actors and suffocates the characters to the point that there’s no chemistry, no connection, no believable core. Alfred is practically Bruce’s father and I get no love out of them! Harvey and Bruce don’t connect at all! Lucius Fox, the only POC in the entire movie, is literally reduced to a plot device despite having moral concerns! 

3. That damn third act. This one takes special mention because it just pisses me off. It’s just too much! The chase with the Joker would be fine, but that’s not the end. His plot already extends way beyond where it would logically end (hence the bullshit runtime), but on top of that, on top of the drama with the escape ferries hammering you over the head with the point they’re trying to make about humanity and the obnoxious moralizing, and then you have Harvey’s fall to the dark side which I’m sorry, needed a lot more time than just getting crammed in to the back end of the movie. His descent into evil happened way too quickly. Two-Face is a great villain! But take Batman the Animated series (to me, the best adaptation of Batman there is, while not perfect) as an example: he’s established as a character and his descent into Two-Face receives the full focus of entire episodes and impacts the characters later on! Having him play sideshow to the Joker is a huge mistake, especially with something as huge at play as threatening Gordon’s family; it completely disrupts the focus of the plot and unnecessarily prolongs the film as a whole, but he goes down pretty easily in one of the movie’s shitty-ass fight sequences that I’d make their own point if there weren’t worse things because I can’t tell who’s punching who. And if you’re gonna rush Dent into villainy only to kill him, that makes his whole plot kinda a waste.

And The Dark Knight Rises was a lot more criticized than the Dark Knight, so how’s this for a fix for the entire trilogy? Don’t kill Two-Face. Keep Joker getting carted away gloating about having corrupted him, but then have Two-Face get away too.  Don’t make whitewashed lamely written Bane the villain of the next movie - instead, let the tail end of this movie build Two-Face up as the main villain for the final part! That way, you have more time for development, cohesiveness, consequences, exploration of themes, and you don’t waste characters. 

2.  Batman / Bruce Wayne’s entire character. Okay, so whenever I fawn over the Lego Batman movie and how it confronts the issue with modern portrayals of Bats and rightfully points out it’s not deep, he’s just a humongous dick, this feels like the source material of that popular portrayal. Of course, it pre-dates it in the comics - Miller and company are to blame for Grimdark Asshat who Batmansplains, but I feel like Dark Knight especially, for its success and greater accessibility as a film, is what widely propagated this portrayal. 

Secret identity or cape and cowl, there is a serious issue in your Batman movie if your Batman is terrible. He’s the protagonist, the titular character, and he’s fucking terrible! At best, Bruce Wayne is like…completely deadpan and not even there (I don’t give Bale shit because I think a lot of the fault lies with the writing/direction, Ledger was pretty much the only lively performance in the movie), placeholder of a protagonist. At worst, he comes off as deeply self-centered, self-aggrandizing, entitled, and violently unstable. I don’t care how bad the Joker is, when in custody, he still had legal rights, and Batman fucking tortured him. Even brutal criminals should not ever be tortured for information! And the film never engages with Bats reaching the point of beating people to a pulp as means of interrogation; he just feels conflicted about who’s worse and broods over it after the fact instead of, I don’t know, maybe thinking twice about torturing someone. The darker Marvel Netflix shows have their characters doing a lot of grim things, but the narrative or other characters almost always holds them accountable for it in ways beyond “aww, I feel kinda sad that I beat mentally ill people to a bloody pulp” – it challenges them often, or has other characters call them out. Batman just does this shit and people are like “oh you shouldn’t do that” and he’s like “AHHH I’M A MONSTER” and it borders into uncomfortable real-life implications with regard to authority and violence. There’s something to be said for introducing grey morality into superhero media, and I get the anti-hero thing, but Dark Knight codified the “white guy grimdark antihero being actually just a terrible fucking person who is the good guy in name only” deal we see in a lot of our media today.

It’s one thing to have a complex and flawed protagonist, but you have to balance that out with redeeming qualities, otherwise, he’s not even a fucking superhero! Again, I refer back to the 90s animated series: Batman has his moments of ruthlessness, but it’s balanced out with the philanthropy work we see in Bruce Wayne, and moments of genuine compassion that he shows many of his enemies – he apologizes genuinely to Two-Face, often tries to give them an out, and is frequently super kind to Harley Quinn, bringing her the dress she was accused of stealing when she was sent back to Arkham in the episode where she tried to redeem herself, and frequently trying to get her to acknowledge that the Joker is abusive towards her, as well as convince her she can still start over and be a good person. On top of which, Batdad is super popular in both the show and the comics. He’s frequently shown as having an especial soft spot for children; addition to all his adopted kids, you also have a lot of his interactions with children, whether as Bruce or as Batman, marked by gentleness, care, and compassion, largely based on what he went through as a child. 

You get no such moment in the Dark Knight. I cannot for the life of me think of kids who would go to see this as a Batman movie and leave looking up to Batman and wanting to be like him except on the surface level of wearing a cool costume and punching bad guys. There is nothing heroic or admirable about this Bruce. He fights crime as a vigilante - brutally, I might add -and this time, it comes off more as a desire for vengeance than a desire for justice, a point which the film raises, but ultimately doesn’t resolve or engage with in a satisfying character arc. 

The closest thing we get to humanizing this character is his relationship with Rachel, and even then, his interactions with her have heavy shades of Friendzoned Nice Guy which is especially bullshit because he won’t pursue a relationship with her yet is bitter about any decisions she might make about her own love life. He doesn’t even care about her that much as anything more than a conquest! He really doesn’t, and Alfred tearing up the letter proves that – with regards to how he behaves towards her, it really feels like it’s not so much that the letter would break his heart as it is that he’d resent her beyond the grave! 

Worse yet, he gives no shits about anyone else. This has a lot to do with Nolan’s scripts having a toxic masculinity problem where it’s not cool for guys to sympathize with or have emotional bonds amongst themselves, but like… he’s allies in a shared venture with the other characters, and nothing more. Alfred is practically his dad but you wouldn’t know that. Gordon, as revealed in TDKR, was kind to him after his parents’ deaths, but they’re just partners. Harvey is a rival for claiming a woman!  In other adaptations, Bruce and Harvey’s friendship is fleshed out a lot so the guilt and shock of his transformation into Two-Face is really impactful! Here, Bruce doesn’t really give a shit beyond it just being another thing to do. 

And that’s what heroism and motivations are to Batman in this - just a thing to do. I don’t want to watch a hero who’d rather bitch about doing good than actually just fucking do good, this is the safety of your city, not a school essay! He doesn’t really seem to want to help people, he wants to complain about people, but then thinks he’s so fucking special and such a snowflake martyr for still helping them regardless! It’s such a deeply childish and yes, toxically male mentality. I know it’s become a meme, but the ”I’m not the hero Gotham needs, but the hero that it deserves” line pisses me off so much for this reason, as well as the fact that he thinks that Gotham’s flaws justify the fact that he beats the fuck out of people and roars in their face to get answers; I think the perfect refutation to both that line and how a superhero protagonist that explores what heroism means can actually be found in Wonder Woman – “It’s not about deserve, it’s about what you believe.” In fact, that’s what made Wonder Woman so good (and feminist!) – it’s rejection of toxic masculine ideals and emphasis on love, compassion and vulnerability being one’s strength, and that people are inherently deserving of being saved if you believe in the good of the world - a much better treatise on good and evil than “see, people sometimes don’t explode boats but they still suck so it’s okay for a billionaire in furry cosplay to beat the shit out of mentally ill people because that’s what this city deserves, a guy who’s more into violence than saving people.” He just doesn’t care, so why the hell should we?

And there’s just no arc. He just reacts to shit and that’s it, which makes him boring when he’s not being a fucking maniac. Despite the script not allowing him to have feelings for other human beings, having him break his no-kill rule with Harvey at the end would have been impactful….had he not already broken it in Batman Begins by leaving White Ra’s al Ghul (Liam Neeson I love you but there is no reason to have whitewashed him or Talia the way Nolan did in the series - same as he did with Bane and arguably Catwoman since she’s been portrayed as a WOC many times before, actually come to think of it, there is a LOT of whitewashing in this trilogy) to his death. 

The film comes up with no real way to challenge it’s hero, have him grow, or change, or even show consequences for his failure to change, making him come off as stunted, unlikeable, and yeah, not much of a hero.

1. The sexism. (You knew this was coming, and yes, it is the worst part). I already mentioned how the men in this movie all fall prey to toxic masculinity as is common with Nolan characters, then even more characteristic of a Nolan movie is The Dead Girlfriend, Wife, or Daughter (you know, the only three things women could ever be!) of Sad White Guy(s). Rachel is the only female character (strike one) and she is handled nothing short of atrociously. Her entire job as a lawyer, intelligence, and hard work established in Batman Begins (which is also too grimdark but actually doesn’t piss me off half as much!) is hardly even mentioned and takes a backseat to her being a prize for the men (including her boss!) to throw feelings at and squabble over. While the male characters have no personality except for one characteristic and a goal because this script was written by an edgy thirteen year old boy, Rachel has no personality except to be a living emotional crutch/plot device. She does not exist as an autonomous individual outside her relationships to the men in the movie. Shit, she’s barely autonomous within these relationships! Bruce is a bitter little shit about her not wanting him back and we’re supposed to feel for him despite him literally offering her nothing relationship-wise for two movies and actively pushing her away at times! He feels he can’t be with her, but the framing is such that she shouldn’t have the right to be with anyone else, either! What the hell? I would even go so far as to say that her choosing Harvey just as she gets blown up, as well as how both of them got to that point, almost feel like the narrative punishing her for not wanting Bruce. More male entitlement bullshit. 

 And her fate…well, I mean. There’s a damn reason The Dark Knight is my go-to example when I want to explain what Fridging/Stuffed in the Fridge means. After having every possible stereotypical pigeonholed white girl trope tossed at her, Rachel is killed off callously for the character development and man angst of not one, but two self-obsessed stubbled white guys who make it about themselves and their right to act like phenomenal turds. She’s Helen of Troy – a woman blamed for people’s reactions to her (Harvey becoming Two-Face, Batsy or Bruce being saaaaaad, etc). She’s the Lost Lenore; a person reduced to how their death impacts their romantic interests.  We have reached peak Nolan here, and frankly, peak Batman too, because the franchise (comics, movies, etc) has always had this same problem with its treatment of women. Her fucking death isn’t even about her! It’s Harvey’s fucking villain origin and Bruce’s sad ending and Alfred’s resentment and note-burning and would she have waited, oh boo hoo, how about, did she have a fucking family, what would have happened if she hadn’t been murdered young, et fucking cetera. 

The thing that really gets me is that Rachel is by no means the worst treated woman in speculative fiction (especially not those that make a claim to some degree of intellectualism); she’s white, so her death is beautifully tragic and she’s put on a pedestal rather than being subjected to racialized misogynistic tropes (being treated more roughly by the narrative, having her suffering ignored or erased altogether, her death being callously ignored except for a throwaway line of dialogue, etc), she’s not unnecessarily and gratuitously sexually brutalized for shock value (that looks uncomfortably like fetishism at times) like the women on Game of Thrones or in nu!Bond movies, or, if we’re still in the Batman universe, Barbara Gordon in any iteration of the Killing Joke (which is another tentpole of misogyny in the Batman universe and I fucking hate it and it clearly influenced the Dark Knight, so, chicken, egg). She isn’t forcibly sterilized and her inability to get pregnant treated as making her a freak like AOU Black Widow. She has no pointless and insulting fanservice scenes like Carol Marcus in her underwear in Star Trek: Into Darkness. Her suffering is not treated as empowerment like any number of women written by Joss Whedon, she isn’t used to be chewed up and spat out and destroyed in a romance with either a guy who terrifies her and in whom she’s shown no prior romantic interest or an outright villain who has caused her nothing but pain in some stupid half-assed not-redemption arc where she has to sublimate herself and be stupidly forgiving beyond the willing suspension of disbelief so some horrible man can evolve.

But why this sexism sticks out to me is that it’s so insidious; if it were more on the nose like the examples I listed above, it’d almost be less jarringly offensive, but it masquerades as her being an empowered yet tragic character and weaves into an overall narrative that validates all the tropes I mentioned, and legitimizes itself in a way that feels fundamentally dishonest about how sexist it’s being. Worse yet, there’s the fact that The Dark Knight is more than just self-contained; its influence on not just comic book movies, but all kinds of media as we know it, is undeniable. And as far as setting the example goes? This hugely well-regarded, influential film is almost entirely white, and tells us that women exist as distractions, tragedies, and extensions of men’s storylines, and this bullshit has been echoing in similar media works since. 

AND NOW, THE ONE (or multiple!) NICE THING(S): 

All this being said, I admit there actually are a lot of things I like about this movie if I can separate them enough from the main issues! 😂For one thing, Hans Zimmer’s work on the score is top-notch; I listen to Like a Dog Chasing Cars and Harvey Two-Face all the time and the music alone provokes stronger emotions for the characters than anything in the movie actually did. The opening heist is just fantastically entertaining, and up until the messy third act, the pacing and plot is pretty tight and engaging! Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker is of course fantastic; although he’s not my favourite Joker, he really gave it his all, and is by and large the highlight of the film. Nolan is really good with visual appeal (with the exception of that damn colour palette) and the shots are fantastic. I really love the chase scene with the Joker and wish the rest of the movie held my excitement like that.  

Finally, it’s odd to say this, but I really like the world of the movie once I ignore the characters and plot. The Gotham that was built in Nolan’s trilogy, the contrast between the classes with the lavish receptions and dinners versus the underbelly, the corruption versus the goodness, how these disparate elements work in a terrible symbiosis, the architecture and technology reflecting this character – it’s incredibly vivid, both grounded in reality and yet sufficiently speculative fiction-y enough to be intriguing. I just wish that the people in it matched the quality of the setting. 😂😂😂

[maedarakat]

(For the "httyd rare-pair kiss meme 2017" which I totally missed but were aggressively ignoring that: "Jealous Kiss")

-----

Dagur was furious. Not that he was exactly rampaging about it or anything; he'd learned to calm the beast inside long ago, but that only meant he was a teapot set to simmer.

It certainly didn't help that the indirect object of his ire was actively teasing him as they all flew back to Berserker Island. Or maybe Tuff wasn't making fun, so much as trying to get him out of his mysterious funk.

Dagur could hope so, but the illusion was spoiled by both Heather and Astrid  asking Tuff pointedly on numerous occasions whether he was trying to die.

"Well, always," was his cheeky answer. "I mean, if the last half-hour didn't prove it, I don't know what will."

Ruffnut scoffed and lashed out with her leg, catching her brother upside the helmet. "It also proved you have absolutely no accounting for taste in men. I mean, really? Viggo Grimborn? On the mouth?"

He couldn't help but give an angry snort at the mention of that jerk's name, and looked sharply away from Tuff, hands tightening on Shattermaster's pommel. The Gronckle gave a trill of concern.

"In mid-sentence, might I add. Purely for comedic timing." Tuffnut paused, getting probably the most deadpan of looks from all sides, before going in the defense. "Hey, it finally stopped him talking, didn't it?"

"So could your fist," Dagur snapped, surprising even himself as he turned back to the conversation. He knew he shouldn't be talking until he was feeling much cooler, but by the gods, the (oblivious) blond trickster tested him sometimes. "Or a boot to the head. Or a mace."

Tuffnut stared at him, eyebrows slowly going up. "I didn't have a mace."

"Oh, okay. Did your leg just happen to fall asleep? Did you forget how to make a fist, perhaps? Or is there any other semi-logical reason why you'd prefer to press your lips against that puckered asshole Viggo calls a mouth?" Dagur's voice went up in a yell toward the end, making everyone else flinch - except (of course) Tuffnut.

"Why are you so mad? I would have thought you would find it hilarious. It's not like Viggo got to kiss Hiccup or anything, which - lets all face it - he clearly wants to do but he's just too shy to admit it to Hiccup. It's a shame really. So much war that could have been averted . . . lives saved . . ."

"What the Thor?" Though somewhat buffeted by the wind, Hiccup's bewildered voice carried quite clearly.

Dagur didn't pay much attention, eyes suddenly riveted to Tuff. Was this why he'd been so obnoxiously dense to all Dagur's advances so far? He'd thought maybe Tuffnut just wasn't interested . . .

But if he still thought Dagur was in love with Hiccup, then even the bluntest of compliments wouldn't have breached that otherwise beautiful thick skull.

Ruffnut had been right all along. If he wanted any luck with her brother, he had to be even more blunt. The bluntest. And even then if Dagur thought he was being blunt enough, he had to triple his efforts.

("Not because Tuff is dumb or anything," she'd later confided in him, voice softer with affection for her twin. "Because it'll take that much to convince him anybody's interested.")

It was time to chase all doubts away, for good.

Or maybe it wasn't the time, but Dagur didn't care much for that sort of trivial detail.

He flew closer and snagged the boy by the tunic, nearly pulling him out of his dragon's saddle, and kissed Tuff's lips so hard he could taste blood. His fault; Dagur had sharpened his canines at a young age, trying to make himself look fierce. The odd little shiver he felt Tuff give didn't seem like a complaint.

Dagur broke the kiss finally, but kept a hold of Tuff's tunic. "Here," he said breathlessly, to the panting and flushed rider. "I gave you an easy chance to  save lives. If you ever kiss anyone else on the lips besides me, ever again . . . they? Are dead." He smiled, a little too brightly. "Got it?"

Tuff gave a faint moan and nodded, unconsciously moving closer to Dagur.

Which meant as soon as Dagur let go, he really did fall out of his saddle.

The red-haired man gave a startled yelp and Shattermaster dropped immediately to catch him. As soon as he did, Tuff clung to him tighter than a squirrel to a shaking branch. Not out of fear so much, as there was a strange vulnerable smile on his lips.

"You know I'm not as handsome as Hiccup, right? Or as smart, or inventive, or as sassy -"

"Tuffnut, I know this might be hard to believe, because it's hard to explain. There's a million reasons why I like you, reasons that I don't know how to put into words. I just know that I do. Besides, Hiccup is my brother now. It'd be kind of weird if I still thought of him in that way."

He felt Tuff relax in his arms. "Yeah, I guess I can see that. Sorry for not thinking you were serious." He looked up at Dagur for a moment and gave his jaw a careful nuzzle. He was rewarded with another kiss, this time far more gentle as they flew along after the others - beneath the formation so they had (some) privacy.

"It's about time!" Fishlegs and Snotlout yelled down to them. Tuffnut refused to break the kiss to respond to them, but afterwards he gave Dagur a sly grin. "So, I can kill a guy just by kissing him now, is that right?"

Dagur nipped at Tuff's ear.

"Don't push it," he smirked. "I never said you'd be getting out of it unscathed."

A delighted shiver was his response. "Heh, neat."

- end