#just look at how this shit goes!!! anyone couldve told you like 6 hours worth of wrestling is too much for the general population!!!

[topflights]

still dodging rampage spoilers like theyre the fucking plague, but i gotta say, i have no idea why they did it tonight. seeing how late everything went just...why? why do this tonight? ive only ever been to two shows and BOTH shows had issues with everyone leaving after dynamite. which is understandable. you go in, watch dark elevation, watch dynamite (which arguably always has the more interesting booking and most of the storylines), and then still have an hour to go? so adding on a whole SECOND HOUR onto the pretaped THIRD SHOW you watch in a night is just too much. 

[babypadawan]

ya’ll mind if I... write a long ass emotional post??

alright so my life has been pretty tumultuous for the past 2 years, since my mom first became sick with (we would later learn) neurosarcoidosis. she can’t work anymore, and when it first happened I was in college and almost done. but I had to leave in the middle of a semester after my mom had brain surgery to care for her and my little sister. I ended up going back but my degree track was too derailed to complete my diploma. they let me walk, since I only had two classes missing, which was very bittersweet because it was a typical movie spring graduation but I knew in my heart I wouldn’t be able to come back to complete it for a long time, possibly forever. anyway my mom was there which was what truly mattered to me at the time so that was nice. 

but before that we didn’t know what was wrong with her and I was 2 hours away at school with no car and no way to get home hearing stories about how she fell down stairs and passed out for days and my little sister almost getting taken by CPS and me thinking, believing, my mom was going to die while I was away. when she finally got diagnosed and the right surgery it lightened the load a bit. but she’s depressed because she can’t work or do most of the things she used to do.

which mean things fall to me. I do everything. cook, clean, grocery shopping, taking my sister to dance class, and every little thing in between. my mom can’t walk without assistance, and barely leaves the house without me. she’s in pain a lot. the disease sits on her spine, her brain. it produces pain in strange ways that we’re used to now.

we were homeless, for 5 months. somewhere between the surgeries and rehab and graduation, the landlord allowed the house to go into foreclosure, and kept it from us until the bank that bought it posted eviction notices on our doors and windows. not like I couldve kept us afloat with my under minimum wage job. so away went our lives, to be stored in a uhaul storage container til we found a place. turns out, handicapped housing is hard to find in my city. family, a term I use loosely now, turned a blind eye to us. maybe they felt they had helped too much during the pre diagnosis days, when I was giving college it’s titular try. one did though, my mother’s grandmother (my mom and I each tried staying with friends, which lasted no more than a week. we are no longer speaking to those respective “friends”). 

it was cramped, and dusty. other family members tried to tell my great gram to kick us out, to not jeopardize her place in public housing, the ones that acknowledged us, at least. we were put on a list for public housing back when we still had a roof over our heads. and 130 days without a home, we were finally given one, in the projects. which, okay, 4 walls and a roof is really amazing when youve been without, but I had grown up in the projects and was really liking the “project baby moves out, goes to college, makes something of herself” narrative I THOUGHT I was following. ha.

I was able to get a job that wasn’t bad for the most part. and we thought, finally, we’d be able to save. someone had tried helping us so I could get paid to be my mother’s caregiver and so my income wouldn’t be included in the rent. but apparently, in my state, you can’t be related to someone and be their caregiver with untouched income. which means now, on top of paying the bulk of the bills, I’ll have to come up with ~600 in rent every month. so much for saving money to get us out!! 

but wait, if I’m a full time student, my income won’t be counted. okay, can’t go finish my credits bc it’s only 2 classes which isn’t even full time. so I looked at a list of government subsidized education programs and decided on web design since I’m on the internet so much. only, I was a poor student when I first graduated high school and was given loans, and the government only has so much conditional money to bestow on the poor. so I can’t get a pell grant, or loans. SO in order to be a full time student to not pay an impossible rent, I have to pay out of pocket. or find an under the table job, though that would mean more time away from home and I need to be there to help my mom with fucking everything.

so... barring me actually writing a book, and that book being popular enough that people buy it, and that whole chain of events, excepting  a lottery win (which is just as likely tbh), I will be poor and struggling, forever. poverty is a vicious cycle. the government doesn’t allow you to have more than 2k in your bank account without going back to charge you more money. and I guess we could lie, but that time has long past and any lie to the government would prob result in little help but more harm.

my ex said something to me I’ll never forget. he said that I’ll always be poor, and I’d always have nothing. I lost a lot of friends when my mom got sick, I was sad and angry and anxious and was betrayed a couple of times so he was all I had. and hearing that broke something inside of me. or, shined a light on an already broken part of me. and maybe he was right, but what scares me the most is the thought that everyone else thinks the same way too.

this is the most I’ve talked about what happened to anyone, and that’s why. i opened up to my ex and showed him my cracks and he told me they were too much to bear. I’m afraid to tell anyone about my situation, because I’m afraid of that judgement. of being seen as a burden. I didn’t choose this life. I thought I was gonna graduate college and get my own apartment, or room with one of my friends, until I finally met The One. now I can barely have a conversation with people because I’m afraid we might touch on something that will reveal too much, or start a line of questioning that only leads to embarrassment for me. 

and i guess I’m really sad. and angry. and anxious, still. but it’s evolved. I’m lonely, but I’m afraid to connect. I’m angry because I didn’t choose this life and because of it, my own has been thrown in the air. I can’t imagine having a kid now. how would I push its stroller and my mom’s wheelchair? and I’m anxious about money. will I have enough to pay car insurance? to pay the phone bill? rent? oh and I’ve been out of school for 6 months now so I have to pay back student loans from my incomplete degree.

I try to think about my life 5 years from now and all I see is me, living at home, single, struggling. what guy will want a girl with all this baggage? I very clearly need help, but I’m too proud and pissed off to ask for it. family turned their cheeks. friends were mean snakes. I’ve become so much stronger since this all began, and I’m fiercely independent. I do everything myself, with an attitude yes, but I’m moving the heavy shit and figuring out how to fix shit. because if I don’t do it, it’s not getting done. I resent the charity case that is my life. I always wanted to move out of my city, and carve out my own little place somewhere in this world. I saw myself as a different breed than most of the girls from my city. I didn’t want to settle down early, I wanted to explore. I never bothered to make roots because I never thought I’d stay long. 

I just don’t know where to go from here. how to crawl out of this whole I was pushed into. how to make a life worth living despite everything making it feel like it’s not.

[alxxkim]

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together.  It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again.  I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise.  I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am.  I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay.  The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him.  I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it.  I wish I realized how unhappy John was.  But there’s nothing I could’ve done.  And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better.  Maybe I need to take the next semester off.  Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am.  But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed.  He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA  And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to  smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that. 

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see.  I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to.  Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba 

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think.  fucking kill me. i just want to have free time

[nucliufsilver]

lil bit of a rant to all the people i dont talk to anymore

1.yknow honestly, for what its worth you did make me a better person, before i became friends with you i didnt really know what manners were, i was confused on what was right or wrong and you opened my eyes to a lot of things i probably would hate right now if i hadnt met you, examples, gay marriage, cosplay, different ways to love, transgenders etc. and that was all fine and dandy, i really loved you for that, always so kind and thoughtful of others, but i think in return i corrupted you a bit too, as a result i turned out to be a bad guy, granted i did some shit that had no excuse but so did you and bitch dont try and blow that off on me. you made me FEEL toxic, i was never going to be good enough, i was never going to be a better person, i was never going to be as nice as you or as caring, everyone would only ever see me as this toxic, stern, scary person and the sadest part of that? that actually came true lmao, no one cares for me, im alone, ive got a solid 1 friend and it isnt even fucking you because you decided i wasnt worth it and you hated me despite me trying so hard to connect back with you, all you ever did was shut me out and tell me i wasnt good enough, bitch. 

2. fuck i loved you so much, but i had no fucking idea how to show it. i know im not allowed to talk to you anymore, but before i rant off about what you did to me i really really need you to understand that i will always fucking love you, and im so so so fucking sorry for hurting you like i did, it was all i ever knew. you taught me so fucking much, you taught me its okay to open up to people and let them see my dark sides, you taught me its okay to be myself and to share my opinions, and if people didnt like that, that was okay too, you taught me how to love even though it was quite a wild ride and i didnt even figure it out until 6 months after we broke up. you taught me there was so much more i had to learn about myself before i brought other people into my life and i will always be grateful to have had you for so long. but holy fuck did you ever make me feel like shit. i fucking hated you, you never listened to what i had to say and when id say it you never believed me either, i get it was a mental thing but YOU NEEDED TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF. you made me feel gross and like i will never be a good boyfriend ever. how could i be? if i wasnt good enough for you ill never be good enough for anyone, not only that but holy fuck do you know how to run your mouth. after we broke up so many people were telling me on anon that i was toxic and gross and so much worse. i had to hide from the world for months, couldnt even go to cons for awhile because of it. i know you needed support, but at what cost? fuck you.

3. you just straight up pissed me the fuck off. you still do, I WAS NEVER FUCKING OBLIGATED TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO HAD THAT FANTASY, IM SORRY I DIDNT LIKE YOU AS MUCH AS OTHER PEOPLE BUT I NEVER DID YOU WRONG AT ALL, YET YOU STILL WENT AND TALKED SHIT BEHIND MY BACK. you hold the biggest grudges holy fuck you have no fucking chill, even your dad agreed with me and if that doesnt say youre being an immature fuck off then i have no idea what does. honestly ive never met anyone ive hated more than you, you tell people theyre fat BUT HAVE YOU LOOKED IN A FUCKING MIRROR? you make me want to throw up everytime i see you, you cant complain about being fat yet nEVER DO JACK SHIT TO SOLVE THAT LITTLE PROBLEM, ALL YOU EVER DO IS FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR LIFE BUT YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING TO SOLVE IT. so maybe take a look at yourself and think about where youre going in life because honestly? a reality check here, you dont have ANYTHING. whoops

4. i never intended to lose you, im not even sure what i did to you? i never got closure. i never really got anything from you honestly, when i look back i just felt used, like i was just there to pass the time and you couldve left at any point. you were my everything, i didnt have anything else but you. i wish i couldve done something to change the course but i think i did everything i could, as far as my story goes you were putting me off for your girlfriend, i felt alone so i started to talk with other people, you got jealous and then one day, you were gone, didnt want anything to do with me, gossiped with others about how awful i was. what did i do to you to deserve this? what did i do to any of you? i was TERRIFIED to go to school for MONTHS because i could feel your glares as id pass by, i could feel the rumors spreading through the school, i could feel the hate, its been almost a year and i still barely speak in school and my english teacher actually tried to send me to a counselor. i still dont feel worthy to speak, or look up from the ground, or join any clubs, or go anywhere near the japanese room. i dont allow myself to do anything besides sit alone at the third floor BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO CAUSE MORE TROUBLE FOR YOU. sometimes i think about going to your hangout place just to fuck with you some more. did you know the last time we talked, when you told me you never wanted to see me again, i actually broke a locker out of frustration, i didnt want to fucking lose you. why. why did this have to happen to us. what happened. 

5. i dont even know what to say to you, honestly you saved me. i felt safe, for the first time in months i felt like i finally deserved something for myself, and i took that chance, i spent HOURS listening to you talk about things, just random stuff, i worked hard, i finally knew how love was supposed to work and i was able to use that on you, and everything was fucking perfect. this is still pretty recent so even now im crying typing this out. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you so much. why did you leave? im nothing. i loved you so much, you were the first person i truly opened up to like that since jayce, you made me forget jayce, and now i just dont know what to do. what am i supposed to do? how do i fix myself now that youre gone, i dont trust myself to fall in love, i havent even thought about dating since January because a huge part of me is still hoping youll come back apologizing, saying you miss me, and me being the biggest idiot would just forgive you on the spot. how am i supposed to move on when you left too fast for me to even blink. one day you just stopped replying, i dont know what changed, i want you back. im not as happy, im not the same. who am i now? what am i supposed to do, just please talk to me and give me some closure at least, i need it in order to move on, because i still fucking love you with all my being and i will never be able to find anyone better for me than you and i honest to god believe that. 

6. i have nothing to say to you anymore, you have no right to claim me, you have no mark anymore, you cant tell me what i can and cant do anymore, whoever you think you are to me, fucking forget it because YOU left ME, and it fucked me up, youre the real reason for all my problems, everything can be traced back to you, you left me and you have NO right to waltz back into my life without an apology expecting me to love you like youre still something to me. youre nothing. i hate you. and the moment i turn 18 youre gonna find out just exactly how much i hate you, i have no remorse or love for you, there wont be any pity, and once im done speaking with you itll be my turn to leave, only this time it will be forever, thank you and good fucking bye bitch.