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not7wu · 11 months

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Chapter Five: Family

Recap: You had your first flashback to when you first met Jin. The boys were reluctant to leave you on your own, so you decided to go back to work. That's where you discover a new sticky note and how you meet bestie and unnie, Jieun, who dishes the gossip and tells you more about Kim Cho-hee, the sasaeng who attacked you.

After you had returned to your desk from lunch, you immediately commenced research on Kim Cho-hee. You tried accessing her file in several different employee databases, but you were blocked at every turn. Your least favorite words are now ‘Access Denied’.

With that avenue closed, you tried digging into her on Naver. Being a woman is the same as being an FBI agent, or more appropriately in Korea, the same as being KCIC (Korean Counterintelligence Corp). You've done plenty of research for friends on their potential love interests, at least enough to find their criminal history and create a dossier in case said friend goes missing or is murdered. This sort of research should be similar. Unfortunately, there are an impossible amount of Kim Cho-hee’s in Korea. It will be a herculean effort to go through each candidate one by one, but you are determined to live without her hanging over your head.

Your research was interrupted when Jin came to pick you up.

The day had flown by and you had to quick-key your screensaver at his sudden arrival. You shouldn’t have worried though because Jieun accosted him before he got within six feet of you, bullying him to let you go shopping with her. He ultimately gave in to your hopeful expression with the caveat that he escort the both of you. Your hesitation at thinking that, as a man, he probably had better things to do on a random Tuesday quickly vanished. Jieun dragged you both to boutique after boutique and Jin was at ease. He seemed to be enjoying himself and shared surprisingly thoughtful insight when picking out infant essentials.

What you hadn’t been prepared for was the lightning strike of jealousy at how comfortable and casual Jin and Jieun were together. Teasing, berating, and slapping each other, but always in good fun and humor. You wanted to insert yourself between them, the urge was so strong you had to physically stop yourself, which was utterly ridiculous because the two of you are just friends, and Jin belongs to no one, even if you want him to belong to you.

And you do want Jin. You’ve been taking your time to get to know him for himself, as much as he knows you. In your dreams, Kim Seokjin was your bias, but here in real life, Jin is…. You don’t quite know. You're still unsure how to draw the lines and boundaries around Jin with remnants of fangirl assumptions, delusions and whatever concept of him Big Hit and Hybe are currently selling to the masses still coloring the edges. You know it’s gonna take time to peel all that away. It’s just so frustrating because you don’t know how much time you really have before another version of you has to start all over again.

Jieun came home to join you all for dinner and to divvy up the purchases. Despite what she had mentioned earlier, you hadn’t sensed any awkward tension, so you’re not sure if the boys are even aware of their isolation. Jieun fit in like she’s always had a place here. You’re happy for Jieun that her relationship with the boys seems unchanged, but a conflicting knot of sadness writhed in your gut. You’ve grown to love this home, but she seems to fit in a way you can’t see yourself ever being able to, acutely aware of their shared history and how you still lack it.

There’s a you-shaped space everyone insists is yours, but you’re not sure there’s enough of you to fill it out, like a triangle block being shoved into a square hole. When you remember everything, will you be the real you? Will that person be different than who you are now? Do you even want to be that person? How will you know that you’re really the you you’re meant to be? Until you solve this identity crisis, you’re not sure you can start living your life, and that may never happen. Not exactly heaven. Not exactly hell. Just stuck in limbo going in no particular direction.

It became embarrassingly apparent that your Jin/Jieun jealousy was unwarranted as the night progressed. Yoongi was like the moon pulled into Jieun’s orbit, always close by. It was adorable how focused Yoongi was when he had Jieun’s full attention. He presented a composed front, steady and grounded as always, but it was belied by an occasional blush, the direction of his eyes, the twitch of his fingers. And the funny thing was Yoongi didn’t seem to realize that Jieun also gravitated towards him as she never strayed far from his line of sight, eyes darting when their gazes met. It was sweet and…

“Aigoooo! These are so cute, I could die,” Namjoon gushes, eyes soft and hands gentle. He has a pair of small calf-skin booties pressed to his face making aegyo sounds. Jieun had returned home and you are sitting on the floor in front of the TV, trying to wrap baby gifts. You refuse to look at Namjoon because his dimples are just asking to be poked. This is the only way to resist.

“What’s so cute?” Hobi neatly lines his shoes by the door having only just returned from the dance studio. Namjoon dangles the booties towards Hobi who immediately goes all soft. “My heart! They’re so little!”

He sits down next to Namjoon and steals them, stuffing his fingers into the soles to make them dance. Tae and Jimin are currently mesmerized by Jungkook who is showing them how to fold onesies in less than a second with just two pinches of cloth. Before you know it, the three race to Tae and Jimin’s room so Jungkook can show them that his trick works on regular clothes too. You shake your head, grinning. Tae’s three clothes piles of ‘clean’, ‘questionable’, and ‘dirty’ have been stressing Jungkook out and you suspect his demonstration had been planned. Tae wouldn’t have cared if Jungkook had folded his clothes for him like Jungkook’s OCD has been itching to do, but having grown up together in close quarters, there is a very clear cut line of what is yours is yours and what is mine is mine that none of them cross, except when it comes to food. You shudder, suddenly overcome by a dramatic sense of military frontline-esque PTSD. Food is a dystopian, dog-eat-dog, survival of the fittest, first come first serve battle even when it comes to leftovers. Thankfully, the boys always give you first dibs before they pick the table clean.

You ask Hobi to pass you the tape.

“What’s that?” Hobi asks, as the gift disappears beneath crinkling paper and your nimble fingers.

“Just a post-partum kit I put together.”

“What’s a post-partum kit?”

“It’s items for a mother to use after she gives birth. Sitting down is uncomfortable after basically forcing a watermelon down a coin-sized funnel, so this kit has a donut cushion, as well as underwear pads, gentle healing wipes, sprays, and soothing creams for the delicate lady bits. There’s also belly cream for stretch marks, and breastfeeding can be rough on the skin, so I threw in some nipple butter too.”

You don’t notice the complete silence until you look up and find six pairs of widened eyes staring at you. Yoongi is frozen at the dining table having paused whatever he was putzing around with on his laptop. The booties are suspended mid-air, Hobi stunned and Namjoon’s eyes glazing over as he plunges into deep thought. The three youngest are at the hall entryway where they collided upon their return, stride halted with the duo in front and Jungkook bringing up the rear.

“Ewwwww!” “That’s nuts!” Jimin and Tae say collectively, breaking the silence.

“Really, guys?” you say, rolling your eyes, but you can’t help snickering as the boys collectively short circuit.

Jungkook begins rambling, “I walked in on ‘nipple butter’. I need more context. Please. Anyone? Context. I need context. Why, noona? Why?? Nipple butter??? Is it a sex thing? Please tell me it’s not a sex thing. Why is noona talking about sex stuff? Butter? On nipples?? OH MY GOD, we can not sing that ‘Butter’ song the A&R team picked out! Why’d you ruin it, noona!!! Why would you do that???”

Deviously, you add, “I think the lyrics even mention your eomma, Kookie.”

The horror on his face feeds some evil part of your soul and you delight in it. Your delight is cut short when Jin speaks up, exasperated from where he still has his eyes glued to the TV, “Calm down, you big babies. Women literally shred themselves apart to make babies. It takes a long time to heal from and even then, their bodies are changed forever. This is why you shouldn’t be chivalrous to be polite, but as a way to grovel to women for putting up with our shit.”

There’s a slight pause as this sinks in for the boys, and then they all dash and clamber away, phones clutched to their hands.

Tae. “I should call my eomma.”

Jimin. “Yeah, I wonder how my eomma is doing.”

Namjoon. “Do you think flower deliveries are still open even though it’s 0100?”

Hobi. “Eomma, I love you…No, I’m not drunk. Can’t your son just call to say I love you?”

Jungkook. “Hyungs. Seriously. What is nipple butter?”

Yoongi. "Don't worry. I think we were saving that song for next year's Grammy entry anyway."

You muffle laughter behind your hands as they each disappear to call their mothers and possibly apologize for existing, Yoongi dragging Jungkook to hopefully give him more context. Jin fights a smile as he directs an expression at you that reads, ‘You’re a brat’ to which you shrug, innocently wide-eyed. You can now finish wrapping your gifts without any further assistance [read: distractions], getting more done in ten minutes than you did in the two hours you’ve been sitting here.

Finished, you gather all the gifts and supplies in your arms and head over to the front door. You’re struggling with the handle until Jin suddenly appears, opening it for you. He relieves you of your burdens and starts down the hall.

“Thanks,” you say quietly, following him to the elevator. You press the button to head down to your apartment.

“You could have just left this in my room.”

“The Carebears wrapping paper doesn’t quite fit in with your Mario figurines.”

“But they’d complement the Maplestory plushies.”

“True. But I don’t want to encroach any more in your space.”

Jin stops a package from sliding off his elbow as you both enter the elevator. “You’re not ‘encroaching’ in my space. It’s your space too.”

“It is?”

“Yes.” He says it so resolutely, it brooks no argument, so you don’t say anything more even though you want to further protest because Jin and the boys have so few spaces that are completely their own.

You unlock your apartment and the both of you enter, Jin setting your things on the kitchen counter. You awkwardly stand in your living room as he turns to look around your apartment. His face is unreadable as he takes in the room, his gaze lingering on all the empty spaces on your walls.

“Do you know where they went?” you ask.

“Where what went?” he says too quickly, snapping his gaze to you instead. Your eyes narrow, but Jin doesn’t answer. You sit on the love seat, looking up at where he casually leans back on the counter, his gaze now focused solely on you. Normally, you’d be flustered, but you bask in his attention, let it drown and wash away the green-eyed monster who reared its head when he hugged Jieun, until there’s no room for anything except just you and Jin.

You tilt your head playfully. “You should know asking for autographs or pictures will get you fired, so I wouldn’t recommend it,” you tease.

Jin blinks. “You remembered.”

“Just that. How we met. Nothing else.” You shrug.

He seems to thrum with restrained excitement as he comes to sit next to you, but his movements are slow and gentle as he holds your hands. “And that’s okay. That’s great even. There’s no rush to remember everything.”

“But there kind of is when we don’t know when I’ll reset.”

“Even if you don’t remember everything, you’re still family.”

Things kind of took a more serious turn than you originally intended. You and your stupid mouth. You wish you could just stop obsessing over the reset. You just want your moment with Jin. “So, why were you such an asshole? I seem to recall you saying you ‘bedazzled’ me.”

“Bedazzled? Bewildered? Enraged? Eh. Same thing.”

“Still an asshole,” you tease.

“Yeah. It was a rough day and you just happened to be the person I took it out on.”

“I’m honored.”

“Hey, I apologized. Bought you drinks, didn't I?”

“Back when I could still drink,” you say, mindlessly. Or maybe not so mindlessly. Oh my god, why do you keep shooting yourself in the foot? Can’t you just have one nice moment with Jin without it going tense?

Jin opens and closes his mouth, wordlessly.

“Ugh, I’m sorry. I–” you groan and scrub your face. “Look, I know there are things you guys aren’t telling me. Secrets. And I can tell when you lie to me. You’re not a very good liar, Jin, and none of you are exactly subtle.”

“It’s just–some secrets aren’t entirely mine, so I can’t share those. And some secrets are for protection.”

“To protect who? You? Me?”

“Yes…and others. And I’ve only lied to you once.” Jin catches the look on your face and quickly says, “I know omission is the same as lying, but technically, I’ve only lied to you once and that was more to make sure I don’t muddy up the waters.”

“What do you mean?”

He sighs. “I know you feel a lot of pressure to be a certain way and second guess yourself, even though we keep telling you that you don’t need to be anything but who you are right now. And if I tell you the truth, I’m afraid it’ll make you feel like you have to reach certain expectations, or do things you aren’t ready for. Things you don't completely understand yet.”

Unbidden thoughts flash. Hard muscle against your body. A hand gripping your soft skin. Sweat. Heavy breathing and devilish praises. Your body arching and an ache only he can reach. You can’t tell if it's a memory or a fantasy, but you become lost in it.

“Y/N?” Your eyes snap into focus and you flush. Jin must read your arousal, see your blown pupils because he sits up straighter, shifting his body away from yours. His ears turn so red you wanna test the temperature with your mouth.

You clear your throat. Get a grip, Y/N. “Ahem, um, so, we should go to bed. Not together! I mean we should go to sleep. Separately. REM cycle, circadian rhythm and all that jazz.”

As bashful as he is that you probably guessed–remembered??–what happened, his smile at your word vomit is so soft and infatuated that you can’t help melting under it. You’re still embarrassed though, so that’s why, against your will, you find yourself saying, “I think I’m gonna sleep here tonight.”

He tenses. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“No! No. That’s not it at all. Trust me. Not. At. All,” you draw out the last word like a weirdo. “I think I just need to be in my own space right now.”

A cold shower is what you need. A cold, cold shower. So many showers.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” You get up which prompts Jin to stand too. “I actually brought home a few manuals to read tonight, so I can go back to work tomorrow.”

“If that’s what you really want. You know we keep telling you that you don’t have to rush.”

“And I keep telling all of you that I’m fine. I just want to feel normal.”

“Okay, well, we’ll leave at 0800 tomorrow. Meet us upstairs when you’re ready?”

“Will do.”

You open the door and Jin stops at the threshold. His hand twitches like he wants to reach out. “If you change your mind about sleeping here, you can come back. I’ll still be on the couch just in case, and you can wake me up for anything, okay? Even if you just wanna watch a movie or gossip about Ji-Yoon.”

“Oh my god, you guys gave Jieun and Yoongi a couple name?”

“Ugh, don’t tell Tae I said ‘Ji-Yoon’. It makes me feel old and gross and I’ll deny ever having said it.” You laugh and still Jin stands there with that smile that you know is just for you. “I’m serious, Y/N. If you change your mind, I’m here.”

“I know.” And you do. You really do. His eyes search yours.

“Good night.” You hear the unspoken ‘jagi’.

“Good night.” Bepeu, you mentally say. Best Friend.

Jin leaves and you watch him walk to the elevator. He turns to wave at you one last time before stepping out of sight.

—

You are running late for work. You’re so late. You’re an idiot. You spent the rest of the night going over your work binders, which were training manuals you apparently made for yourself, but you don’t think you absorbed a single word, your mind replaying those carnal images and sensations on repeat. When the work binders didn’t work to rid the thoughts, you cleaned the apartment top to bottom. You were so engrossed in your task that before you knew it, a glance at your phone read 0400. Fuck.

It was your first time sleeping in your actual apartment, by yourself, the surroundings unfamiliar and foreign, but you had no time to feel anxious. When you finally made it to bed, thoughts of Jin on and in you still dominated your mind. You only passed out after you gave in and touched yourself to the imagined–remembered??–sounds of Jagi, touch yourself. Just like that. Let me see you. You’re so good for me. And his cock plunges into you, as he deliberately grinds himself against your clit, your moan and his soft grunt swallowed by his lips against yours, his teeth catching on your lips as you raise your hips to meet his thrusts. And now you’re rushing to transform yourself from a zombie to a functioning human being.

A knock has you pausing and then rushing to the front door. You have a split second delusion that it could be Jin and you start to panic, not sure if you’re ready to see him yet after what you did last night. You touch your cheeks and oh my god they’re hot. You’re totally blushing. The knocking persists again and okay, your time is up. Breathless, you swing the door open…and come face to face with a young woman.

She’s wearing an unflattering navy blue uniform that reads ‘Miso Clean’. Her dark hair is tied back in a high, efficient bun, not a single strand of hair out of place. She’s small like Jieun but with a younger energy that seems to buzz off her. It’s a little off putting, but you attribute it to you having no sleep and not being a morning person in general. She stands there expectantly without a word, so you bow a little and say, “Hi...um, I’m sorry. Can I help you?”

“Oh, of course. I forgot about the--” here she points to you and then her head, which must mean she knows about your condition. You don’t like how casual she is about it. It feels rude somehow, but if she knows about it, she must know you, so you brush it off. “I’m Hye. Lee Hye. Your cleaning ajumma.”

Cleaning ajumma? You glance at her from head to toe. She is definitely not an ajumma. You know Asian don’t raisin, but there is no way she’s over the age of 25. You guess it makes sense you’d hire a cleaning ajumma. You’re not often in your apartment and with your memory lapses, who else would get it done? You definitely wouldn’t ask it of the boys, or further burden their own cleaning ajumma. “Ah. Yes, please come in.”

You let her in and she surveys the room. Spotless and clean. Last night, you swept and washed the floors, scrubbed the entire bathroom, dusted, and even vacuumed and shampooed the carpet. Hye turns back with an inquisitive eyebrow. Embarrassed, you apologize, “Sorry. I didn’t even know I had a cleaning ajumma and I got a little carried away last night.”

“I can see that. There’s no need to apologize though. I should be the one apologizing. I meant to leave a note on the fridge to remind you, but I forgot. We can’t have two people being forgetful, can we?” she says cheerfully. There she goes again. That last comment triggers you. She seems nice enough, and you know she’s just teasing, but she’s basically a stranger to you and this doesn’t feel right. Even Jieun doesn’t talk to you like this.

Or maybe you need to chill out. You’re a little high strung at the moment and you can’t be overreacting to what everyone says just because you’re flustered. You have to rein this in before you meet up with the boys for the commute.

“So how does this work? How much do you charge?”

Hye tsks. “You don’t pay me. Hybe pays me. You don’t have to worry about a single thing. Everything is handled on our end. You just relax and let me do my job, okay?”

“Hybe hires cleaning ajummas for all of their employees?” you ask in wonder. That’s an amazing perk.

“Not at all. Our company is under contract with Hybe, but we only clean headquarters, artists’ apartments, and top managements’ houses. You are our only exception.” Interesting. You recognize her uniform being the same as Ji-Hoon’s. It’s nice, what the Big Hit/Hybe family is doing for you, but this might be favoritism or nepotism and you hope no one else knows about it. “So next time, at least maybe leave some dishes for me to do? Otherwise I’ll feel like a bum. I really need this job.”

“Got it. Um, maybe you could...wash the floor under the fridge? I’m pretty sure that’s the only spot I haven’t touched yet,” you say sheepishly. Hye brightly agrees and internally you hiss as she marches over to your kitchen. It’s too early for all this energy. You remember you’re running late and hurry back to your room to finish putting yourself together.

Ten minutes later, you’re shoveling on heels when Hye enters your room with a knock. It peeves you when people do that. Why knock if you’re just gonna come in anyways? And what if you were indecent? “I finished cleaning under the fridge, and I left a note on the fridge to remind you that I come by every Wednesday.”

“Thank you for cleaning and thank you for the note.”

“Oh, and could you make me a copy of your key? I lost my copy and you told me the other week that you would make me a new one, but understandably, you forgot,” she says with a shrug and a chuckle.

You really wish she would stop saying things like that. One more strike, and you’ll say something, you decide. “I’ll make a copy and have it ready for you next week.”

“Thanks. Have a good day at work.” Instead of a bow, Hye reaches her hand out to you, which you stumble to grab because you’re so used to bowing that you forget people sometimes shake hands. Something slightly scrapes your hand.

It’s a ring. She looks perplexed as you lift her hand to eye level. “This is Jin’s ring,” you say, evening out your tone. The silver band. Pink stone. “Did you find it here?”

Logically, there can be more copies of Jin’s ring floating out in public. Maybe Jin dropped it last night? And Hye found it and didn’t know who it belonged to? But she’s wearing it.

She snatches her hand back uncomfortably and rubs it. You must have been clutching her harder than you thought, which satisfies you a little. Good. If she’s a thief, it only serves her right. Damn, the real you might be a bitch. “Oh, I know this is Jin’s ring,” she says.

You immediately tense, an all-consuming rage boiling inside you.

Before you can explode, she explains, “It’s a knock-off. I’m a huge fan of BTS of course. Our nation’s pride. Their taste in clothes and accessories are well outside of an ordinary person’s price range, especially mine, but there are plenty of places that sell remakes or knock-offs. I think the original ring is like, what? Fifteen thousand dollars? I got this for twenty dollars online.”

Makes sense, you guess. You, Jo, and Marlena had plenty of fanmade BTS merchandise in your collection–ahem, shrine–so, it shouldn’t surprise you. Your sleep deprivation must be making you crazy. You’re losing it and you need to take a chill pill. You immediately bow. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I’m being so weird today.”

Hye waves a hand. “Don’t worry. Everyone has those days. I really should get going and I think you’re running late for work.”

“Aish!”

Five minutes later, the boys pile into the hallway when you knock on their front door. They excitedly greet you with good-natured jostling and boisterous hugging. Their energy recharges you like a battery and soon, you don’t feel like a zombie anymore.

—

You discover that if you don’t focus your brain too hard and just do the work, your body autopilots into doing what it should. You’re ecstatic when Jieun says it’s the fastest you’ve caught onto work ever. At least you’re doing something right.

It is midday when the two of you decide to take lunch to-go and sit in the staff gaming room. That’s right. Hybe has a gaming room for staff. You sit on giant bean bags and play Connect 4 between bites. Jieun wins the first round, her rounded cheeks touching her crescent eyes as she celebrates her victory. It reminds you of another pair of dumpling cheeks. You wiggle your eyebrows suggestively. “Speaking of connections, what’s going on with you and Yoongi? You know Tae is coining ‘Ji-Yoon’.”

“Of course, he is,” Jieun mutters. You’re surprised to detect a tiredness in her voice. She slides the lever on the Connect 4 frame so all the chips fall out and reorganizes them. She plays around with the black chips on the table. “I don’t think it's going to work out. I know Yoongi likes me. He knows I like him. And really, that should be enough. But if we really try, it’s not gonna be easy. If we were to date, it’d have to be a company-wide known secret. It’d be so uncomfortable to have everyone watch your every move, even if it is to protect you, because everyone would have to be in on the ruse. Publicly, Yoongi would be the perfect idol completely devoted to his fans, the every fan’s boyfriend that everyone can have a tiny imperfect chunk of, but never the whole. And while I could get the biggest chunk of all, it still wouldn’t be the whole of him. So, I don’t want to start anything with Yoongi only to break his heart later if I can’t handle the secrecy and pressure. The ball is in my court. Yoongi is waiting for me to make a move, but I’ve been putting it off. I know I need to tell him, but I’m selfish. I want to have this bubble for just a little while longer.”

Jieun doesn’t look so much sad as she is resigned, one hundred percent aware of her situation and the reality of it. She looks up at you, hesitantly and asks, “What are you thinking?”

You measure your words carefully. “I’m thinking...even though I don’t remember everything about us--you and me--this must be one of the reasons why we’re friends. You’re genuine and self-aware. You put a lot of thought into this. You’re not only looking out for yourself, but for Yoongi too. I admire you and I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share this with me. I know it doesn’t mean much with my memory thing, but if there’s ever anything I can do to help, I hope you know you can ask me.”

You remember your jealousy from before with her and Jin and you immediately feel guilt, especially when Jieun beams. “I know I can ask you. And you can ask me too.”

“Well, actually…”

“Really? You’re going to make me regret saying that, right now? Really?”

You laugh, “I mean, you did say I can ask for help, but not necessarily that you’ll give me help.”

“I’m glad you’re aware of that distinction.”

You crowd in closer to the table and Jieun follows your lead, leaning in closer. “So, you know about the Rules.”

She sighs. “Aish, the Rules. I don’t like where this is going.”

“Can you tell me about Rule Five?”

Her playfulness disappears replaced by serious thoughtfulness as she studies you. “I don’t know, Y/N. This is toeing so many lines I’m not sure I should cross.”

You make your eyes big and sad and pout as cutely as you can. “Please, unnie, please?”

Jieun sighs. She knows you’re not stupid and straightforwardly says, “I assume you already know about Rule Six, which is--”

“--the rule about not telling me Rules Five and Six. Yes.” Yes, yes, yes. You wanna do a victory dance.

Jieun thinks for a minute, and then says, “I guess there’s a loophole I can exploit. Rule six is not to tell you Rules Five and Six, but I was never told to not tell you about Rule Five.” You scrunch your face trying to follow her line of logic. It’s a bit wobbly and weak at best. “I know that’s stretching things, but a loophole’s a loophole.”

Your heart beats quicker and suddenly you don’t know if you want to know Rule Five. Maybe Jin and Hoseok and the boys were right and you should stay out of it. You remember Jin saying that some secrets aren’t entirely yours or his and tangles with other people and you wanna pump the breaks. Before you can rescind your question, Jieun leans in closer and quietly murmurs, “So...it’s about...how...hmmm, how to word this. It’s about relationships.”

Wait, what?! She clamps a hand over your mouth.

Whoops, did you say that out loud? The both of you take a quick glance around the room and see that some employees are judging you. You weakly wave at them in apology. Jieun shoots you a pointed look and releases you.

“That’s all I can say,” she continues, “but in essence, Rule Five is about you and relationships.”

"What kind of relationships? Is this about romance? Sex? Family?"

She doesn't say anything, her face impassive.

"Am I not allowed to have relationships?"

She remains impassive. Not a single eye twitch or mouth quirk. Oh, she's good.

“Is this why Jin is all squirrely?”

“Wait. Is something going on with you and Jin?” she perks.

You fiddle with a red chip. “I mean, most of the time I think we’re just really good friends. Other times, I get the feeling we’re something more. An intimacy I know I don’t have with the other boys. But I’m not sure if I’m just…biased, you know? And sometimes I get flashes of…something, in my mind and I can’t tell if they’re memories or fantasies.”

“Ew, but tell me everything.” And so you tell her everything. From how you first woke up to the present. Jieun makes the proper exclamations, gasps, and murmurs of agreement at all the right times, but by the end, all she says is, “Huh.”

You were not expecting such a lukewarm response. You were actually hoping for a little more than that. “‘Huh’? Is there something I’m missing here?”

“Well, you know how I was talking about me and Yoongi? How do you think I figured all that out? I watched it all happen to Jin.”

Jin was in a relationship? Well, look at him, why wouldn’t he and who wouldn't want him. You're not naive, but you feel a little naive right now. Jieun pushes aside the Connect 4 frame and folds her hands. “Look. All the guys have dated secretly before. Yoongi dated Adora. Hobi and Jimin have dated back up dancers. Namjoon dated a painter. Tae…well, it’s been difficult for him to get the right compatibility of intimacy with his asexuality, but he did have this stylist unnie for a while. And Jungkook dated one of the girls from GFriend. They’ve all dated, but they are very aware of their limitations as idols, so I don’t think it was so much love for them as it was...seeking companionship. But Jin?” Jieun hesitates, unsure if she should continue as she gauges you. “Jin held out the longest. It’s probably why it hit him harder than anyone else when he finally did. Jin...fell in love…and it didn’t work out. He almost left BTS because of her, but she didn’t want him to do that. She removed herself from the equation. Told him to move on. He still loves her though, and I think he regrets...” She trails off here.

“Regrets what?” you prompt, on edge.

She sighs. “Look, I think I’ve said too much already. I really shouldn’t talk about his business. Maybe when he’s ready, he’ll tell you himself. I’m just saying…be careful, okay?”

Your high from last night dies. “Can you at least tell me her name?”

“And have you dig into her company file as persistently as you’ve been trying to dig into Kim Cho-hee? I don’t think that’s healthy.”

“So, she does work here.” “Of course, you weirdo. Where else is BTS going to meet people other than here at the company or this industry?”

So Jin and his lost love is standing in your way. Not to mention the Rules and your whole amnesia thing. Ugh. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Grudgingly, you understand why Jieun doesn’t divulge everything. It’s no one’s business but Jin’s. You respect that. Plus, she's right. You are a bit obsessive. You don’t think you usually are, but your clock is ticking away at a countdown. You don’t want to see what happens when you hit zero.

“Can I give you a piece of advice?” Jieun asks.

“Yes, please.”

“I think you should be spending less time on the Rules and Kim Cho-hee and focus more on hanging out with the boys. Fill in the gaps by getting to know them more and maybe spark some memories. Stop sweating all the stuff you can’t control and just be present, you know? They won’t say it, but it’s not always sunshine and rainbows for them either.”

Jieun’s words are sobering. You should be spending more time with them. Actual getting-to-know-them, quality time. What better way to unlock more memories than to walk down memory lane with them. They've done so much for you. Maybe they need you as much as you need them. This is a much needed wake up call and a fire sparks in you.

“Unnie, can you help me grocery shop after work? I’m thinking I’ll cook dinner for them.”

She makes a face. “Ummm…I’m not saying you’re Namjoon level bad, but you’re not much better either.” Jieun's not wrong. Dream you wasn’t much of a cook either, but you were hoping, here, you weren’t so bad. Apparently, not.

“Thanks. Your confidence in me is uplifting.”

“Well, what were you thinking of making?”

“When you say it like that...I don’t know. Ramen?”

“Perfect.”

—

You head back to your desk and spot Ji-Hoon rifling through your desk drawer. You march up behind him and cough to get his attention. Ji-Hoon freezes and slowly turns. Carefully, you reach past him and open the other drawer, digging out a package of Pocky sticks. He takes them in confusion.

“I always have snacks in that specific drawer and you’re always welcome to them,” you tell him. Ji-Hoon seems like a nice enough young man. Tall and skinny with a messy mop of hair, he reminds you of Jungkook. Not in looks, but in his innocent mannerisms. Where does Hybe keep finding these adorable young men?

Ji-Hoon hangs his head and looks at his feet. He bows and apologizes, “I’m sorry, Y/N-ssi.”

“Ji-Hoon.” He struggles to meet your eyes. “Have lunch with me and Jieun-unnie on Friday, okay? I won’t take no for an answer.”

He smiles hesitantly and bows again. “Okay. Thank you, Y/N-ssi.”

You dismiss him with a nod and he quickly makes his way out. You login to your computer and hover your mouse over the desktop folder ‘KCH’ that you designated for research on Kim Cho-hee. After a minute, you click on its properties and hide it from view. Maybe the best way to find yourself isn’t to dig into your hurt after all.

—

Ramen night is a success. The boys eat enthusiastically and heartily, and you’re relieved. The praises they sing you is excessive though because you basically boiled water, but you graciously accept them anyway.

You soon find yourself squished between Jungkook and Jimin on the couch, watching a random k-drama. Well, you’re not so much watching the k-drama as watching Tae perform the lines word for word with his own dramatic twist in front of the TV. Yoongi is facetiming Holly. Hobi is admonishing Namjoon at the kitchen table for not laying down newspapers before repotting some of his plant babies. And Jin is washing the dishes.

Tae tires himself out soon enough and looks for a spot to sit. The sectional has plenty of space, but instead of diving next to Jimin or Jungkook, who are stuck to your sides, he plops down across all of your laps amidst all three of you protesting about his bony-ness. Instead of shoving him off though, all three of you grab some part of him so he doesn’t fall, Jimin, his waist, you, his knees, and Jungkook, his ankles. His grin is smug.

“Hey, Tae?” He turns to you, ignoring Jimin’s continued complaints. “Wanna get dinner tomorrow? Just you and me?”

Tae’s boxy smile is bursting with rainbows and exploding kittens, but his eyes are soft with a well of history he’s holding just for you. “Anything for my daughter,” he says.

Everyone groans as Tae throws himself back in laughter, but you hadn’t expected anything less. This is your family after all.

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