#kleelore

[kleeradragon]

There's an experience I have that I don't think I've ever seen talked about anywhere, and I'd like to go through it and see if there isn't anyone else who has experienced similar.

See, when I first discovered myself to be a dragon/otherkin/therian/nonhuman, I was of the spiritual sort because that's what felt expected. I didn't even know a psychological side to it existed until later. I got my share of memories and info about my supposed past life and whatnot as a result of this imposed expectation, and some of those memories were pretty unpleasant. Traumatic, even. But eventually I found out about the psychological side of things, and I wanted to take a more psychological approach to my nonhumanity. I didn't feel attached to that existence/past anymore, I suppose I never totally did, I took it all as it came. Cause y'know, expectations, perhaps looking for things that wouldn't otherwise be there.

Not long after that I moved away from a nonhuman identity due to community issues and a general lack of feeling for it, only to return to it a couple years later when feelings for it came back in full force. And in digging around for those feelings, I had to ponder my old kin memories that I no longer necessarily believe in. Through that I realized that they still affect me like any trauma would, even after years of not believing those memories to be real. Now, sure, one can say that coping with trauma in a not-so-great way isn't gonna make the hurt go away. I totally get that. But these memories, false or not, did not happen to me directly, even if they may feel as such. There's a degree of separation. Couple that with the amount of time it's been since I gave much thought to them… I just thought and hoped that maybe that would be enough.

Either because those false memories still affect me, or because it's just what I was so used to thinking back in the day, sometimes I still slip back into thinking of my dragon self as a past life. All of this together makes it so hard to really tell whether my draconity is psychological or spiritual, even if it is a choice of belief in the end. I prefer the psychological approach -- that's just the sort of person I am. But the expectations from the past, and their resulting feelings and potentially-false memories complete with exotrauma, make it hard to let go of the notion of having been a dragon in a past life. It feels like those things really happened because that's what the memories were unintentionally crafted to do, because that was the expectation. These things make it so complicated and blurry what exactly the nature of my nonhumanity is.

My point of saying all this is to ask: has anyone else had a similar experience? Of having past life memories they don't necessarily still believe are true but can't shake? And if anyone has figured out a way to shake them… would you be willing to share how you did so? Definitely definitely would love to hear!

[kleeradragon]

how would you describe your dragonkin identity (appearance, personality)? do you have one or multiple? completely fine if you don’t know, just curious!

So... this is a little complicated. I do know, more or less, but I don't really know what to make of the info I have. Let me explain: years ago I considered myself a spiritual otherkin. A wyvern. I found plenty out about myself between when I awakened and when I joined my first alterhuman community, and unfortunately part of the findings were memories that weren't... great. In addition, when I got into otherkin groups for the first time, they weren't the best, and I ended up bitter and feeling lesser about my wyvern self as a result of all that happened in those spaces. As a result of these I sort of slowly tried to dissociate from it and tell myself the memories were false all along. I have preferred a psychological approach since then... but that's seeminly only out of desire, not experience. Experience still points spiritual. Not to say all the wyvern is gone - the memories still haunt me and the feelings of "rightness" crop up often enough for me to work on a VRChat avatar of it. But the feels and the thoughts are all kinda tangled up in "well maybe's" and it's tough to pull them all apart to figure out what the deal is. To complicate things, after stressful life events had me not feeling my nonhumanity for long enough to think that maybe I was wrong from the get go, trying on a western dragon avatar in VRChat (the ZDragon, for any who are interested!) brought those feels rushing back, complete with a prey drive I never got before. They haven't gone away since. So I wondered, maybe I was supposed to be a western the whole time! But that still doesn't line up fully, cause the past tells me I'm a wyvern, and the present tells me I'm a western. Heck, could very well be both in some weird roundabout way.

That's quite a ramble I just did, thanks for sticking with! You asked about personality... I think I'd have been very animalistic, if we're going by memory. Treading on no matter what. Hard to explain the vibe I get beyond that. In most memories I have, I seemed to be an adolescent or so, so there was a curious nature to me before everything turned sour. I don't know a lot about after that, save for some noemata and one sorta flashbulb memory of an environment.

And you asked about appearance, which is nearly the same on either one save for the number of limbs. This might be a bit weird to explain, but bear with me. Here's an art piece I got of my wyvern back in the day from a dragon called Rhaeloth (western is too recent to have gotten any art):

The description: greenish-blue scales with a sandy-yellow underbelly, green eyes, two brown or grey horns pointing directly back from the back of the head and one curved snout horn (snorn, if you will). 6 digits on each wing - three claws and three for the membrane part of the wings (on western, just the one wingspur and three or four for the wing membrane) - and four claws on each foot, three forward and one back (on western, four claws with no dewclaws, and pawpads). I suspect either my left wing (wyvern) or my left foreleg (western) was permanently injured so I'd likely keep that close to my chest most of the time. If wyvern, I'd have a bipedal posture much like a raptor, as I've mentioned in a previous poll response. If western, I'd have been quadrupedal. And for either one, 6-7 ft tall has always felt right (which has carried over onto my dragon sona, in fact! The one in my icon, kind of a glorified me).

...And that's why I figured it would be weird to explain.