#kurt's not here anymore. there's no more bugs. no roaches.. no bed bugs..
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#every time mema calls me she has to mention how happy she is in her new home. how happy that she got to escape.#how happy she is to be away from mom and her controlling nature. yet i always smile and tell her how happy i am for her.#even though what i really wanna do is scream and yell at her.#you said you would help me!! said you'd let me come with you! live with you! let me start a new life!#but you abandoned me. you left me behind. just like everyone else in this family does.#is it me? am i just not worth saving? am i not worth helping? am i just a sacrificial lamb tossed to my mother to keep her occupied while#everyone else makes a break for it?? it sure fucking FEELS LIKE IT.#but it's fine. it's always fine. i can handle it. handled it for years on my own didn't i?#i'll just keep doing what makes everyone happy. fuck what makes me happy. it's clearly not important. who gives a shit? who cares??#as long as i smile and nod and obey everyone's orders and whims everything is fine.#i don't have arthritis. i don't have body pain. my teeth aren't rotting out of my skull. my glasses aren't damaged.#as long as i don't speak out of turn. as long as i make them happy. that's all that matters. isn't it? that's what life is telling me.#really. i should be grateful. we live in a beautiful home. my cats can roam freely instead of being trapped in my room for their safety.#kurt's not here anymore. there's no more bugs. no roaches.. no bed bugs..#i should be happy. but i'm not. i don't think i ever will be.#...my purpose is to make others happy.#that's all that matters.
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