I always go back to that moment in 206 when Eunyung has just left his family home for the last time and he calls out to Haejoon and Juwan, but thereâs no answer. They had to leave, and Eunyung realized that for however long, he had been experiencing that confrontation with his dad (and mother) essentially without allies. Everything that he had done and said, with the perceived security of knowing there were people in the other side of that door who could hear them, was suddenly reassessed under a vulnerable and isolated lens, rather than a secure and supported one. He soon learns afterward that they were forced to leave by security because they were accused of loitering, but the gap in time that he probably spent thinking they left of their own free will while he was facing off his parents isnât something that can be easily coped with.
Eunyung âsavedâ himself from his parents, and it wouldnât have been as immediately liberating as it had been for him if someone else had forced that separation. But the adjacent people in his life that he (at least previously) saw as a support network and frame of reference for normal/abnormal relationships are just as invaluable as his own introspection and bravery during this arc.
His being taken care of by Juwan and Haejoon, where he has soup bought for him and heâs chauffeured around; his conversation with Marie, where he gets to witness the ramifications of domestic abuse as an outsider; and the countless conversations he had with Haejoon over this arc, where Haejoon insists to him that what he was and is going through is abnormal. By getting to sympathize with a fellow abuse survivor and by growing adjusted to having people like Haejoon advocate for him, he develops the beginning of an expectation that he can be understood and supported by these people. Not only that, but that he should be, or at least itâs something that he should strive for when given the opportunity. This perceived support ultimately culminated in him being able to say the things he did to his dad. He was the one who took that final step, thereâs no denying the courage he displayed doing what he did, but it would have been impossible for him to focus this courage into a clear and aspired effort without getting a glimpse of what he had been missing growing up: predictable love and empathy.
Emphasis on predictable, because from what we know of Eunyungâs home life and the people that have supported him in the past, every ounce of love and grace he received was conditional and temporary. His abuse being unpredictable, the people who loved and supported him frequently withdrawing when they realize that heâs an actual person with idiosyncrasies and needs, and that advocating/caring for him takes real effort, and the defensive mindset needed to grow up in an abusive household would have warped his view of peopleâs rejection or acceptance regardless. Learning to expect that Juwan and Haejoon would be there when he needed them to be isnât just unexpected of Eunyung: itâs juxtaposed to everything that heâs learned growing up on the streets. Itâs probably only his being younger (i.e., more capable of change) that granted him the flexibility to expect care from someone again.
So, the realization that Haejoon and Juwan werenât there when he thought they were dramatically shifted his perspective on their support, Haejoonâs in particular. Just after beginning to develop this alien expectation, something happens that allows him to dismiss it. Relying on these people in an emotional way has to be done very carefully, sparingly, in his mind, because at any moment, whether by freak chance or someoneâs own animosity, lack of caring, etc, it could be ripped away from him. Similar to the unpredictablility of his father and mothers behavior, he approaches other peopleâs emotional states with the same fleetedness. If he canât understand the way people think, if he canât guarantee heâll always be able to abide by their guidelines for humane treatment, or, now, if in Haejoon and Juwanâs case, he thinks his nature is incompatible with theirs, he will deliberately withdraw himself from them.
The same way he continues to reminisce and hold onto the haunted dorm as the visage of a fleeting home environment, he considers emotional homes such as Haejoon with that same impermanence. Only now, with concrete âproofâ that it isnât permanent, with Haejoon and Juwan not being there when Eunyung thought they would be, itâs much easier to distance from that emotional home as a way to protect himself. The title of âemotional homeâ can even be ascribed to inanimate objects and concepts: his childhood passion for theatre, his talent in cooking, his hairstyle. So many of the things he holds dear he is also deathly afraid of having. Having to decide between deprecative abstinence, fearing even more having lost it after experiencing it firsthand; versus reckless overindulgence, after experiencing loss in the past and thus losing the emotional sincerity he carries for something; summarizes a lot of his behavior, and it can especially be seen in the current arc. He holds off on signing up for theater until heâs racing against the clock (221), he deliberately distances himself from Haejoon and Juwan because he doesnât consider himself as âadjustedâ of a person as they are; but robs bald HR teacher dry when he takes him to eat and laughs at his efforts to connect with him. The latter being juxtaposed to his middle school-selfs response, because prior trauma from his middle school teacher jaded him to the concept of adults, and especially teachers, advocating for him unconditionally.
Eunyungâs deliberate absence from Haejoonâs life is both in his efforts to protect Haejoonâs body and to protect his own. In that same light, his hesitance in following his passions, while inadvertently mocking the systems of support heâs been betrayed by previously (teachers, parents, etc) are all in efforts to protect himself emotionally. If he never fails after trying, if he dismisses all outreach as insincere, if heâs never reminded of what heâs lost and how it hurt him, he doesnât have to be hurt again. It looks like with the rest of this âEunyung Baek Againâ arc, weâll probably witness more proof of this fleeting view of support/commiseration via this middle school teacher, portrayed in how he treats his high school HR teacher now. In the opposite vein, trying to actualize his passion for theatre (and being successful in doing so), seeing new and old people in his life advocate for him, and maybe even acknowledging that his HR teacher could be looking out for him, are just a few of the many details that could begin to deconstruct his emotional lines of defense. Iâm not caught up with the spoiler chapters, but I hope (and really believe) that this will be the case.
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