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#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)
ef-1
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3 months
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day
#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.
#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍
#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again
#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)
#like everything i do is informed by her
#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her
#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢
#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again
#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her
#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain
#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when
#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it
#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-
#when people mention it 😍
#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)
#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”
#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one
#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”
#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her
#lol!!!!!!!!!
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