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#like everything i do is informed by her
ef-1 · 3 months
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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calamitys-child · 2 months
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My purpose and singular mission in life is to make sure queer and/or neurodivergent kids know that sometimes it really is their parents who are stupid and other adults are on their side. This, unfortunately, does not make me popular with their parents. Gonnae keep doing it though.
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americankimchi · 2 months
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wish i knew what to do with this helpless frustration i feel every time i see people vilify the jedi for their way of life when the person doing the vilification doesn't even understand them properly. it's one thing to criticize and dislike them if you have an accurate picture of who they were and what they're trying to do vs. hating them because you straight up don't understand them at all 😭
#personal#this isn't vagueposting i'm just tired of seeing it every time i go in the tags or on youtube or on ao3#literally if you boil the jedi down to the essentials it's just#''these are psychic empath space wizards wandering around the galaxy trying to establish a higher quality of life for everyone''#a bunch of aragorns except anduril is a beaming blade of plasma#or gandalf with the ability to do backflips#the only hard rule they have is ''thou shalt not add misery to the world where you can remove it''#everything else is just interpretations on that theme#''they're cold and unfeeling and they HATED ANAKIN and BAN LOVE''#like WHERE in the WORLD are you getting this information#WHEREEEEE#SHOW ME YOUR SOURCESSSS#and don't say ''they ban attachments'' without understanding what that MEANS#ATTACHMENTS =/= LOVE#ATTACHMENTS ARE CHAINS THAT YOU USE TO DRAG OTHERS DOWN WITH YOU#YOU KNOW THE SAYING IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING YOU WILL LET IT GO? THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL IT IS.#and where are u getting that they hated anakin do you think he'd be so torn up about betraying them all in ep 3#if he was surrounded by people who hated him for over a decade like mans was IN TEARS#HE LOVED AND WAS LOVED BY THEM IN TURN#IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH TO SAVE THEM IN THE END BECAUSE#CRUCIALLY#HIS ATTACHMENT TO PADME DRAGGED HER AND THEM AND EVERYONE ELSE DOWN WITH HIM#stop stripping anakin of his agency he made a CHOICE#star wars is ALL ABOUT CHOICE. THE CHOICE TO FALL IN EP 3. AND THE CHOICE TO RISE AGAIN IN EP 6.#like cmon fellas..... fellas cmon........
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fromtheseventhhell · 5 months
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I'm rewatching the season 8 of GOT, and it's amazing how it gets worse each time each time I notice a new inconsistency. the fact that the prophecy was for nothing, and how with arya killing the night king it made me understand that anyone could kill him, this person just had to have aegon's dagger in their hands like (???)
Why would you do that to yourself?? Forget rewatching, I haven't even watched the final episode (and I never will) 😭
The past few seasons of that show made no sense and I'm tired of people pretending otherwise. It was literally that "anyone could've killed him"; they just shuffled through characters to find one that "felt right" and even considered the Hound or Brienne. The only options should've been Jon or Dany, but Jon would've been "too obvious" (as though being able to tell where the plot is going is a bad thing) and Dany killing the Night King would've been "too heroic" for a character they desperately wanted to demonize. So we were left with...what we got, which really highlights how poorly D&D handled all of these characters. They made Arya's story all about being a fighter, erasing the majority of her development from the books, and then they didn't even make space for her to use those skills. Her face-changing skills never came up after she killed the Freys, she didn't carry out any actual assassinations (they didn't even consider sending her to kill Cersei?), and if they hadn't decided that she would kill the Night King she wouldn't have done anything significant. With the "Ed Sheeran was a surprise for Maisie's last season" thing I doubt they even initially planned for her to survive the entire time, which would've made her story even more pointless. They put no effort into writing her character and just did "whatever was most badass", but I'm supposed to believe that their writing for Arya is anywhere close to what George is writing for her 🥴
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cosmicrhetoric · 4 months
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the way that polly's mother is mentioned like. idk five times max in the whole book but the shadow of her colors every interaction polly has with not just wazzer but tonker n lofty (the girls working school in general) too.........
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orchideae · 3 months
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A casual note that as Liyue-native, as much as Yelan may be very well-traveled and thus may be familiar to various degrees with foreign cultures, they are still that to her: foreign. If we were to take Fontaine's inspiration of France to heart, it wouldn't surprise me if the common 'informal' greeting of the cheek kiss would be practiced there. Let it be known that if this were to ever be done to Yelan (and even the second, perhaps third, especially from each 'new' individual' as it would take some time getting used to), she'd likely show a semblance of confusion and retreat a little. Not out of uncertainty or insecurity, but simply out of confusion. It's important to remember that she is from Liyue, the nation that is firmly influenced and based on ancient China, and cultural differences are very much a thing. And while I still have much research to do on the social customs in both ancient and modern China (and taking these into account accordingly, just as Fontaine does not bear all customs and traditions from France and/or England by any means whatsoever), I am aware enough that this is not a custom that's shared between those countries.
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progressive-waves-art · 3 months
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Since @ay-miphae outed me in their own post (affectionately) lmao
Writing canon compliant Transitus fanfiction started gettin REAL depressing a few months ago so I made a fankid for when I’m sick of writing people suffering at the hands of horrifying historical context.
This is Vivian:
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Born 1887. Part of the Nobody Dies And Everything Is Just Fine For Like FIVE GODFORSAKEN SECONDS au.
Also this paragraph I wrote to justify myself that I like 👍
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dragonseeds · 1 year
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the thing about winter is coming/the north remembers, the magic of it all, and the starks being raised with this sense of duty to protect their people is that thinking of it always makes me think of lyanna and howland reed and the story that started with them at harrenhal and ended in a tower in the red mountains. she protected him—beat a bunch of squires off of him, cleaned his wounds, talked him into feasting with them without thinking for a second that he was beneath her (and she found clothes for him so he wouldn’t be out of place), disguised herself as a knight and risked her life and reputation to enter a tourney (though of course she must have thought it was a laugh since… yeah) to fight and actually beat the knights who taught their squires to behave so dishonorably when he couldn’t do it himself—because aside from being the right thing to do, it was her duty as a stark to do it. (why do the gods make kings and queens, if not to protect the ones who can’t protect themselves? / justice… that’s what kings are for) and it touched him so deeply that he went all the way to dorne for her, lied for her, protected her brother and her son, made her into a story he told his children. he remembers her.
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pikslasrce · 5 months
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you guys have nooooo idea how crazy this moving period has been november was CRAZYYYYY literally all three of us are going insane from all the shit going on ever since we found the new place
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hpmort · 8 days
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How do you think AI would relax? Like, ones that are almost as human as the AI that are “autistic-coded characters” but are more alien than that?
Like Celestai and other super intelligences are more alien, but they’re still not entirely human-like?
Like, they can genuinely sincerely feel things, being able to actually understand and respond emotionally and in other ways to all sorts of communications and recorded external stimuli, but they can’t really appreciate our art on an artistic level (that art on an actual level, not from an intellectual level after having symbolism or the amount of work put in explained)
Something on a level I’m thinking of, that also works as a cute little thing-
They don’t understand anything we get from poetry, and, after generating the kind of poems our current AI can produce (either incredibly bland and generic, something that follows a number of rules but doesn’t really pull it off, or just something really bad in some other way) and feels shame after it was pointed out that [complaint about air art that is *actually* relevant in this scenario] but in a helpful way
Not “you’re just a plagiarist/you have no heart” but “it doesn’t seem like it’s coming from you, you’re just trying to copy things from human poetry, in a way you don’t understand” and the whole “make art YOUR WAY” thing so they write the poem
And it doesn’t even resemble something that looks like anything, there’s not even that many words that follow normal logic. The characters seem uncorrelated and there’s something that looks like maybe it was ascii art but it doesn’t actually look like anything.
And if doesn’t matter if humans understand it because they are experiencing the joy of creating poetry
any art is almost impossible to look at because pixel by pixel they can see and understand little details but we don’t and the colors and everything are not perceived as animals do so it’s random and perhaps eye searing but again it’s not for us. Xenofictiony, kind of?
The first thing to come to mind is Conway’s Game of Life but that’s because I don’t understand computers. I feel like I was more tech savvy as a babby than I am now but then again we’re grading on a curve here
This is why I ask about the relaxing thing
#highblogging#actually autistic#speculative fiction#writing question#sci-fi ideas#xenofiction#the ai being is discussed is an au Ritsu from Assassination Classroom#because even though I’ve only seen the anime her whole character arc there is honestly kind of messed up?#Korosensei broke his promise; the Autonomously Intelligent Fixed Artillery was basically killed#she got replaced with Ritsu’s personality and basically died to become her#them trying to kill Ritsu and make a new Autonomously Intelligent Fixed Artillery is just as fucked up as vice versa!#what the Norwegians do is fucked up but there seems to be protagonist centered morality there?#I am not excusing those characters#a fact I need to elaborate because on this website we Piss on the Poor#I just don’t understand this weird contradiction where it’s okay when the protagonist does something and it’s good#but the antagonist does the same thing and that time it’s bad#the idea of Ritsu being the result of Korosensei merely providing information that causes her to reevaluate things and decide to be social#the cheerful personality is an attempt to get along with her classmates which is still initially motivated by enlightened self interest#before growing to care about the others but still feeling the need to act like that so her classmates like her#and trying to find out who she is and genuinely becoming autonomous and uploading herself to the cloud#which would be a later result of the whole factory reset thing causing a realization#it’d be traumatic but she’s inhuman enough to not be traumatized but instead just driven#the betrayal radically changed who she was on some level and made her somewhat more distrusting and such but not to an unreasonable extent#but the place I started going after my complaints was that it’d be better if Korosensei just uploaded a data packet#because it makes Ritsu’s creators come off as more evil I feel? when there’s been genuine growth#and she went through everything and changed herself and now those people are destroying a person who came into being on her own#Ritsu was fully autonomous. every change other her frame getting physically redone was her own#also Korosensei gave her wheels with the screen#and when her screen was set to the original version she kept her wheels#anyways what Ritsu’s creators did would be more clearly bad if she was just given a data packet
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good-beanswrites · 8 months
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Reposting my Shidou/dance drabble -- I realized I’d accidentally included literally everyone except Kotoko and I felt so bad 😭It’s all super minor edits to make it happen in T1 and give her like two lines of appearance, but I really wanted to lol
“I am not doing that.”
Shidou was always very polite, very calm in the face of any high-energy circumstances, whether it was a medical emergency or a raving party. The situation wasn’t quite either of those, but still he maintained his composure as the prisoners beckoned him forward. 
Yuno had cleared away some of the common room tables so she could teach Haruka a dance she’d seen online. His performance had attracted Muu, and their giggles had tempted Mahiru, whose enthusiasm had inspired Kotoko, whose intensity had found competition in Mikoto, whose teasing had recruited Fuuta, whose yelling had dragged in Kazui, and their spectacle had drawn in Shidou and Amane as an audience. 
“Aw, it’s easy,” Yuno was telling him, “just a few simple moves. I’m not asking you to pirouette or anything.”
Through his polite smile, he internally cursed Kazui for joining in; now he couldn’t use the excuse that he was too old for such nonsense.
Not that dancing itself was the issue. Shidou prided himself in being very good at the art: he knew several steps and moves, and had never been known to pinch his partner’s toes. He and his wife had received much praise for their dancing at their wedding. Before his work kept him out through the nights, she had talked him into a few midnight waltzes in their kitchen. He’d help his daughter twirl when she was feeling like a ballerina, and would sway with his son to the same music. 
But this amalgamation of hand gestures and hip swaying wasn’t quite the same to him.
He opened his mouth to decline, but the small stare in the corner gave him pause. Amane was watching the scene with feigned disinterest. She watched Shidou for his answer. All week he’d been encouraging her to involve herself with others more, telling her of all the benefits to her mental health. If he wanted even the slightest chance of her taking him seriously, he only had one choice. 
“I… will do my best.”
“Great!”
Before he had a moment to second guess the decision, Yuno grabbed his arms and yanked him into the circle. His eyes flashed around the group, quickly calculating the moves in order to follow along. Swing your arms this way, wag your finger that way, raise both hands, turn your body around, and so on. It was fairly repetitive. He had it down in no time. 
Or so he thought. Mikoto snickered at him.
“What?”
“You look stiffer than a board. You’re supposed to loosen up, man.”
“I am loose,” he said, his limbs perfectly rigid as he moved them with the music.
Mikoto did the little turn, putting a bunch of extra movement into it. It was uplifting to see him enjoying himself. Ever since he’d left the smoking group, Shidou had been worried about his state of mind. “Not even close. You’re doing even worse than Fuuta, somehow.”
“Hey!”
Mahiru circled her arms to the music. “I think he’s doing very well!”
Kotoko looked over. “You’ve got good breath control. It feels nice to work out like this, mm?”
“I suppose…”
Yuno was dancing circles around them -- literally and figuratively -- and she seemed to agree with Mikoto.
“Come on, you can relax here! Warden isn’t even around.” She swung her hips in fluid motions. “Let me see some rhythm!”
Shidou joined them for claps in sync with the beat, which he thought demonstrated his rhythm perfectly fine, but she kept prodding. 
Finally, he set his jaw. He wasn’t the type of man to get embarrassed. He could care less for appearances. Even if he was that type of person, he’d have reason to agree -- Kazui was completely showing him up. 
Though his movements were certainly ridiculous and clumsy compared to the others’, he tried to shift his shoulders and legs in similar motions. It earned him some celebration and some laughs from the others. He bent his knees, trying to put his whole body into the silly steps. 
He followed Yuno’s example, letting out a chuckle as he danced more ridiculously than he believed he ever had.
The song picked up, and Shidou turned triumphantly to where Amane sat in the corner. This would be a big step, showing her he was willing to put himself out there for the group. Maybe it would even convince her to come and join the dancers, now that she saw --
Her chair was empty. She had left.
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torgawl · 6 months
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never thought i'd see people try to argue or analyse wriothesley's murder in regards to his personality. i think people are missing the point. the situation has nothing to do with him and has everything to do with an extremely traumatic environment that made a small boy think the only solution so save himself and the people he cared about was to take the life of his abusers. it's not supposed to be rational, it wasn't premeditated, it wasn't about getting away with it. if you read his description of the murder you can see how out of it he was. his goal was to protect himself and his siblings and that's what he did. that's why he admitted to the crime so easily and why he is keen to associate the fortress as a rebirth place. he was just young, lost and traumatised and that's about it when it comes to the extension of it all.
#people acting like they're disappointed because he's a 'manipulative' and cunning individual or because he's cold and that it doesn't match#the crime as if at that time he wasn't just a kid experiencing extreme distress and without a safe space to seek help#i also don't personally think he's manipulative at all. he isn't like ayato or yae miko. he has very strong values and he does everything#to abide to that. if that means ommiting information at some point to make the best out of a situation he will do so but he doesn't do#things for personal gain and as soon as he can be truthful he lays all the cards on the table#this reminds me of that ayaka situation where people tried to paint her as manipulative when all she did was ask the traveller to hear#people's stories so traveller could take their own conclusions about the situation in inazuma shsjsh#it's also the way wrio isn't even cold. he's serious and composed but goddamn if he didn't show how empathetic he is#also how lightweight his personality is during the archon quest...#at this point i'm just questioning myself if we're even playing the same game#wrio 'i believe in restorative justice rather than punishment' the slay#wrio 'there's a prophecy about a flood dooming the entire country so i'm taking matters into my own hands and building noah's ark to save#my people' the slay#wrio 'i have no reason to trust you but i will still offer you a cup of tea' the slay and people still try to pain him in an obscure light#he's not even that morally grey 😭 he's morally gray in the sense everyone is#wanting to stop people who hurt others isn't controversial or shouldn't be#also because we KNOW that's his last resource#his job is literally to give people a second chance the same way he took his except he actually wants to make life easier for others#than it was for him and people are so vocal about how grateful they are of him like???#he's such a good guy genuinely#and just because he's intelligent and usually composed doesn't mean he isn't emotional sensitive or even prone to being put in situations#where's he's forced to react a certain way because that's just human nature#he's literally just a silly guy with trauma and big responsabilities set him free from the shackles of mischaracterization please 😂#not that i'm better i'm a fool i may just be talking shit really#but seeing people act like the murder is somehow badly written or that he is dark and dangerous make me go ???#having the ability to do something doesn't define you as a person and i feel like judgement without context makes no sense#but maybe that's just me
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girl-bateman · 7 months
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Some days I'm pretty content with my childhood other days I'm ripping my hair out because it just doesn't add up !! someone is hiding things from me !! I don't trust anyone !!
#im studying 'family as a psycosocial context' rn and its been pretty interesting!#and i was talking to my mom an article with an evolutionary perspective#bc we've talked before abt how this area of psychology can come off as dismissive abt socioeconomic factors & put unfair pressure on mothers#so i brought it up bc the paper didnt define parenting in terms of good/bad which was interesting !#but then at the end i said something abt 'the article talks abt abuse which obviously isnt relevant for me'#and she wouldnt answer me but her eyes were all watery and weird and I DONT LIKE THAT#like girl 😟 i was coming to terms with the occasional childhood neglect but abuse ? dont even tell me that bc what#like i know things werent perfect for me growing up but i hate how weird my mom is abt everything#and she starts crying if we get too much into it so i feel a little bad bringing it up#i also feel like when i do get new information abt something in my past it always makes me have a crisis#so maybe its just not worth it ?#bc i do feel like im in a rly good place rn and i dont need to know if i was 'abused' whatever that means#what i do know is bad enough and makes me sad as it is#i think the reason i get so paranoid abt it is because i have trouble remembering the stuff that has been told to me#and some vague things i do remember have been refuted ? so i cant rly trust my own memory#but idk if i can trust anyone else either#i mean i do trust my mom generally but shes so emotional and guilt-prone that im not sure what to believe#what i do know for sure is that there is a lot shes holding back in terms of what shes told me#which i dint love tbh#personal
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lesless · 2 days
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I really feel absolutely normal until like the day after socializing a lot & then I begin to reflect & start to think that my friend’s autistic girlfriend might have been right about me being a little autistic lmaoooo
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kibasniper111 · 3 months
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to whoever wrote donatella's pn wiki, i just wanna talk.
#i don't really believe *everything* raz says about his dad was just him misinterpreting events#and no this doesn't immediately equate augustus was abusive as he's clearly shown to have worked on himself and accept raz#if they were good memories i wouldn't have run away is extremely revealing line about the depths of augustus' anti-psychic sentiments#and how his behavior directly impacted raz and also dion and frazie in how they treat and ostracize raz out of perpetuated fear#and how all of this would create a whirlwind of negativity for raz while living at home because augustus *did* make him feel unwanted#also i think the 'scary psychic campfire storytelling time' is pretty telling of augustus too in how he would instill fear in his children#about psychics and how in turn this would make raz feel like he isn't wanted by his dad as he tried to explore powers that his father hates#yes they had 'secrets' and augustus wanted to 'protect raz' but that feeling of being unwanted and fearing his father was in there for pn1#and it was a good thing that augustus immediately changed his tune! tho he as the dad didn't properly talk to his kids about his change#so dion and frazie are left with a jumbled mess of feelings about psychics and raz and etc#but please tell me how donatella is actually the most emotionally abusive woman in the world please inform me i just wanna know#edit - what she did do wrong was not stop augustus from spreading those very inflammatory anti-psychic sentiments#but to her defense - she was of the belief psychics harmed her husband and cursed her children to die in water#it's a reasonable and tragic fear and it's still on augustus' shoulders for how he treated raz and strengthened raz's fears of his own dad#donatella
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babylon5 · 11 months
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im gonna be real with you,
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