#lbr if a song has lyrics: i have tried to connect it to one of my blorbos at least once

[syn0vial]

new spotify wrapped ask meme! give me a number between 1-100 and i'll give you a lyric from that song that reminds me of one of my blorbos

[seoulscenarios]

College AU! Bang Chan

ahhhhhh!!!!!! we made it to 100 followers today and we decided to release a special series in order to celebrate! starting with chan, we’ll be releasing a college au or two a day all to do with stray kids! i hope you enjoy and thank you all once again, bc without you we wouldn’t be doing this

- Major: Music Production (are we even surprised lmao)

-Minor: Home Economics

-Clubs: ……. He has no time to go to clubs, though he does occasionally help out Johnny at the radio station by sending him songs to play or, even once, he hosted alongside him, he also occasionally goes to seungmin’s baseball club to help him train bc he’s the sports dad lbr

- He’s a 3rd year student which means…… he’s currently dying

-Minho thought he had it bad being a education major but chan,,,,, his bloodstream was coffee, he became one with the coffee lmao

-Chan hyung? When did you last sleep?

-Sleep? What is this sleep you speak of?

-Speaking of hyung, chan rent out his apartment bc he’s a broke student and he basically ended adopting a fellow australian in the form of Felix who was a 1st year,,,, which meant chan practically adopted him and his merry bunch of friends

-Not that he minded,,,, but his wallet did lmao bc paying for 9 people at bbq during peak time,,,,, chan practically cried and shut himself in the recording studio and wrote a song about how the ones you worry about aren’t your enemies but the ones who smile like the sun then rob u blind at dinner

-(lmao no chan loved his kids really and one time felix did offer to pay he practically wrestled him,,,,, chan won)

-So his major

-Is mostly practical with a tiny bit of theory throw in once a week to learn about different production techniques which chan found HELLA interesting bc he loved to learn new things about music

-Music was his passion and he had no doubt about going to uni to do music as a career because there was nothing else he ever wanted to do

-So Chan gets sit in a recording studio most days and gets Woojin to sing on some of his tracks whilst bribing two of Felix’s friends who he met at an underground rap scene to record as well

-The first time he met those two friends, Changbin and Jisung, he felt an instant connection esp bc he found out that Changbin was the kid his production teacher was enthusing about for weeks lmao

-And whilst Jisung didn’t major in music production, his song writing and rap flow were so unique that chan was determined to recruit him

-Luckily,,,, they both agreed bc they already knew who chan was from Felix and he has campus reputation for being the best music student on campus (not that chan really knew about this,, he was just very confused whenever he saw gangs on giggling people around him that he almost always looked around to see if Taeyong or Daniel were nearby lmao sweetie no it’s you)

-Him, Changbin and Jisung formed a trio and they all wrote songs and performed in underground uni clubs and rumour says that whenever 3racha performed there was a waiting list for about 3 months

-The three of them were extremely popular but they rarely performed as Chan was extremely busy with 3rd year work oh no

-But whenever they did

-Oh boy

-Was it extremely popular

-Throngs of people,,,, and a lot of phones taking recordings and posting them on the college snapchat or on Instagram

-They became a famous group though not many of them knew the boys by their real names bc they had stage names uwu

-Only those who were very into the music scene figured out that CB97 was the music production departments’ prize angel student and when they tried to tell other people on the campus,,,, they never believed it bc how could Bang Chan, a sweetheart, rap like that about such deep issues when he performed at college festivals and showcases he played softer mellower songs

-Your friends were very much into Bang Chan and 3racha and they were always found amongst the gaggles of people who saw him round campus or attended 3racha concerts religiously

-Not that you could ever be seen amongst the gaggles

-You had quite the reputation on campus,,, the kids had nicknamed you stone y/n stemmed from the fact you were from a pretty well known family, and walked around campus with a completely blank face and only had a few friends that could crack your exterior

-People generally avoided you bc they weren’t sure whether they could even talk to you without being glared at or ur family would come for them

-It was a bit sad really,,, bc u weren’t that scary lmao

-You just wanted to pass college with good grades and you never went out on nights out or anything, you weren’t against it you just didn’t find it interesting,,,, much the opposite to your friends who LOVED going out, you let them get on with it and they respected your decision as well

-You weren’t even sure if Bang Chan was a real person or just a campus urban myth bc u had never seen him before

-No matter how many times ur friends tried to drag you to the local underground rap scene bc “OMG Y/N 3RACHA IS PERFORMING TONIGHT AND YOU NEED TO SEE THEM OMG!!p”£!” (this is one thing they always tried to drag you to bc they knew you would love the music)

-You never went because you would much rather be studying

-I mean, you were a law student and had many case studies and mock trials to study and prepare for so you didn’t have much free time

-And whilst you loved music, you had your life sorted out and you intended to graduate college this year with a 1st class honours so you could get your dream internship with a famous law firm

-Please Y/N you need to come out and see 3racha with us because their music is right up your alley musically 

-I… really can’t I have a mock trial coming up next week and I need to do well

-Promise me one day you’ll come with us

-Pinky promise, I’ll try and come to the next one if I can

-I’ll be holding you to that I will rip your law textbooks out of your hand and throw them out of the window

-SANA WHAT THE HELL

-A n y w a y

-You could be found most days at the library with a stack of law books and a highlighter in your hand, whilst you sipped coffee

-Little did you know that would be the day you finally encountered the urban myth that was Bang Chan

-At first you didn’t realise that he was stood opposite your table

-“Hi-uh there’s no other seats in the library apart from here….. is it okay if I sit on your table?”

-You startle out of the passage explain corporate law and look up to see Chan

-His silver hair was all curled and quite frankly a mess, his eyes wide and alert with extremely dark bags under them and his hand curled protectively around a large coffee

-You just nod, moving your materials closer to you so he could have some more space

-You heard him sigh in relief and slump in the chair opposite you, taking his laptop out of his bag alongside a notebook covered in stickers with bits of paper sticking out of it

- You rolled your eyes, thinking he was one of those students who procrastinated until the last week before his exam, and put your head back to your textbook, fully intending to ignore the boy opposite you

-You were surprised, however, to find that he was being quiet and just working on,,,,, whatever he was doing

-Most people who came to sat at your table were normally very distracting (constantly talking loudly on the phone, eating, sighing heavily and twirling pens u know the ones)

-It was quite a pleasant change from what you were used to and you settled down to finish your textbook chapter

-It was about an hour later, when you were taking a break, when Chan asked you a question

-He coughed and you looked up at him from your phone

-You noticed that he had a pair of very professional looking headphones around his neck and you couldn’t help but notice just how his eyes were sparkling

-“I’m going to grab a coffee and I was just wondering if you wanted one?”

-Oh what’s this

-Someone offering to buy you coffee,,, this has literally never happened before??

-“Oh um,,, only if you want to I mean it’d be really nice if you did law is killing me you know hahah but you really dont have to” you spluttered out

-“It’s no problem! You probably need a pick me up because I know I do, just keep an eye on my stuff yeah?” he replied before walking off to what you presumed the campus coffee shop

-You blinked a few times before trying to get back to your work, deeming your break to be over

-However you were kinda still a bit shocked that the cute boy opposite you offered to get you a coffee????

-Deciding that work wasn’t going to happen, you glanced over at the work he had left out

-You saw that the bits of paper you noticed earlier were scattered around his laptop and from what you could see, they appeared to have music notes and lyrics scattered across them

-A music major?? But why would a music major need a laptop??

-You thought about reading one of the lyrics sheets before realising that come on Y/N that’s someone’s work they probably don’t want a complete stranger to look at them

-You were still staring when the cute boy came back

-“One coffee for you, I wasn’t sure what you liked so I got you an Americano?? I hope that’s okay?” he told you, handing you a cup

-“Americano is fine with me, it’s what I had earlier in fact! Thanks uh—”

-“Chan, my name is Chan. Or Chris. More often Chan to be honest. You’re welcome, but it’s only fair I get your name as well”

-“Y/N. Only Y/N.” you smiled at him which he returned

-And that’s when you saw his dimples

-They were extremely deep and, quite frankly, adorable

-Your eyes trailed Chan as he sat in his seat, slipping the headphones back over his ears and picking up a piece of paper

-You snapped your eyes back to your textbook, trying to focus back on corporate law whilst nursing your coffee with both hands

-It was a torturous 2 hours before you decided that you couldn’t take it anymore

-Chan kept distracting you

-Not that he meant to, you just found him to be extremely distracting

-y/n STOP YOU ONLY MET HIM TODAY

-As you began to pack your highlighters away you saw Chan slip off his headphones and unplug them from his laptop

-Great

-“Are you heading out?”

-“Oh uh yeah”

-“Cool same, wanna walk out together?”

-“Sure!” you replied a little too enthusiastically, internally groaning at yourself

-Chan, unbeknownst to you, found this extremely adorable and as he was packing his stuff away he snuck glances at you and saw the tips of your ears tinted red

-He smiled to himself as he swung his backpack over his shoulders, waiting for you pack your stuff away

-You,,,, were struggling

-Not only was Chan being extremely nice to you, you happened to have brought a lot of textbooks with you which seemed like a good idea when you came

-But walking back to ur dorm,,,,, seemed extremely bad

-You were balancing the last book onto the pile you were carrying when Chan popped up over the top of them

-And,,, without asking just grabbed a few of them and carried them for you, flashing his smile at you

-y/n ? y/n? oh my god they’re dead

-“You ready?”

-And that kids, is how one of the campus heartthrobs carried stone Y/N’s law books from the library to your dorm

-Safe to say the library, the campus, the world had stopped breathing as they saw the two of you walk across campus to the dorms chatting quite animatedly

-It turned out you and chan had very similar taste in music and he was just telling you about the project he was working on at the moment as you walked up the stairs to your dorm (the lift was broken,,, again)

-He offered to carry the rest of your books as you struggled to find your keys and balance the books as well

-You shook your head, finally grabbing your keys and unlocking the door

-Your roommate was unfortunately in and screamed your name when it DIED in their throat as their eyes lay upon Chan stepping in and following you to your desk

-“You can just put them there thanks so much Chan, you really didn’t have to”

-“I know” he smiled “you needed help though so I decided to”

-“I appreciate a lot” you smiled back (ur roommate was watching this with WIDE EYES and pulled out their phone to spam the gc bc hello chan was in your room and talking with you, also how could anyone think you were stone like bc you were blushing like MAD and ur roomie was cackling)

-“Anyway, I’ll see you round Y/N?”

-“Sure thing, I’m normally at the library in that same spot just hit me up there”

-Chan went to go leave before turning round and you looked at him questioningly

-“Can I get your number?”

-UR ROOMIE NEARLY SCREAMED AT THAT POINT AND SO DID YOU

-“Oh uh sure…”

-On the inside you were dying hello y/n ??? you there???

-Chan smiled and pulled his phone out, giving it to you

-You plugged ur number into his phone and u were blushing crazily rn

-Chan grinned at this, his dimples showing themselves and ur roomie was PLOTTING, typing furiously on their phone

-When you handed his phone back to him, Chan smiled at you before waving goodbye and leaving

-When the door shut ur roomie THREW THEMSELVES AT YOU THROWING QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY HAD BANG CHAN WALKED YOU HOME WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK Y/N U BETTER HAVE ANSWERS

-Ur roomie kept bombarding you with questions but you could only focus on one thing

-Bang Chan?? The Chan you met and had walked you across campus was the Bang Chan???

-“That was Bang Chan?!”

-Your roomie sighed heavily and was like YES U IDIOT THAT WAS THE BANG CHAN

-You flopped onto your bed wondering how this was your life when ur phone pinged with a message

-You groaned, taking it out eyes widening when u saw it was a message from Chan

-You opened it up, quickly saving the number to your phone before reading the message

-[from: XXX-XXXXX-XX] hi it’s me Chan! I remembered the song I was trying to tell you about earlier! Hope you enjoy

-Your roomie was enjoying this, watching u suffer and tapping a reply to Chan

-Giggling, they updated the group chat with a plan to get you and Chan together

-Luckily,,, one of ur other friends was friends with Felix as they were on the same course so they messaged him

-Felix replied almost instantly,,,, for Chan had just gotten back and was gushing about someone he met at the library

-All of a sudden,,, the mission to get the two of you together was formed in a separate 

-You were completely oblivious to this as you were too busy listening to the song and sending ur thoughts to 

-From that day on you and Chan texted quite frequently, normally sending each other music

-Occasionally he would send you some of the stuff he was working on, asking for ur advice

-Which you gave happily

-The two of you even arranged to meet up and study, taking it turns to buy coffee for each other

-It was all quite,,, sweet really

-However,,,, the two of you were toeing the line between friends and something more yet neither of you made the first step

-Which frustrated ur friends, chan’s friends, the entire campus at this point

-Just as the group chat was screaming to come up with a better plan

-Chan had invited you to a 3racha gig at the local underground bar

-You were a bit hesitant to reply when u saw that message,, u were never seen at these kinds of things and u didn’t want the campus to talk even more

-(ur friends were dying bc they were like Y/N PLEASE NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE THEY ALREADY KNOW,,,, yet but what if-  NO IFS)

-Chan sensed your hesitation over text and told you that you really didn’t have to go if you didn’t want to, he wasn’t pressuring you to go but the invite was there if you wanted it

-You replied with tons of smiley faces and hearts in apology

-He giggled in his apartment, but Felix noted the sad look in his eyes

-TIME FOR FELIX TO SPAM THE GC TO GET UR FRIENDS TO CONVINCE YOU TO GO

-Unfortunately,, you were quite stubborn about not going

-They eventually gave up after 2 weeks, knowing they shouldn’t push you anymore

-It wasn’t until your friends came round to ur dorm the night of the gig to get ready together

-You were sat on ur bed,,, mulling it over in your head

-What if I really did go?? Would anyone care?

-Bc honestly,,,, you wanted to go

-You wanted to see Chan perform in his element bc of the stuff he sent you,,,, you really enjoyed it

-You breathed in heavily

-“Guys,,,, I’ll go”

-“REALLY” “BABE IT’S TIME TO GET YOU LOOKING SMOKING FOR UR FIRST OFFICIAL NIGHT OUT” “WOOOO Y/N”

-You laughed, letting your friends pull u to ur feet and throwing clothes at you

-You were laughing all the way to the underground bar, decked in ur hottest clothes (according to sana) and looking extremely attractive (agreed by all of ur friends)

-When u entered the bar, you got slightly nervous bc u hadn’t told chan you were going to be there and u didn’t know how to act at this kind of place

-Sana grabbed your hand, leading you to a spot near the exit but still having a clear shot of the performance area

-Yugyeom, Mina, Bambam and Momo came back to your table, bearing hands full with different drinks

-You were a little overwhelmed, settling for the coke Mark passed to you wordlessly (he knew you didn’t like to drink that much, especially not in public)

-The six of you were chatting about your days, just happy to hang out all together when the lights went down and a few girls in the back screamed

-A heavy beat kicked in and a spotlight appeared on a figure you couldn’t recognise

-When all of a sudden, they began rapping and your jaw dropped as you realised it was Chan

-His voice was smooth and pleasant to listen to as he switched from rap to vocal, your jaw dropping as you couldn’t believe it was the same Chan who buys you coffee

-You were shocked to say the least

-Two more rappers joined in during the performance but quite honestly, your eyes kept being drawn to chan

-It wasn’t until, a few songs later, that one of the other rappers approached your table during Chan’s rap part

-“Hey hyung, what about them?”

-Chan turned and his eyes widened in recognition

-“Them? They’re really pretty” sending a wink at you before continuing his rap

-Safe to say your friends, and Chan’s friends (who were near you) ALL cheered and wolf-whistled whilst you had your head buried in your heads, blush overtaking your entire face

-Chan spared another look at you and saw how cute you looked all embarrassed UWU

-The rest of the gig continued and you still weren’t over how Chan had called you really pretty

-Sana kept glancing between you and Chan, noticing that the two of you kept looking at each other and she was like,,,, it’s time

-The gig had finished and people began to filter out

- But not you and the conspiracy group

-They convinced you to stay and Chan,,,, was overjoyed

-He approached you and all of a sudden ur friends had disappeared,,,, wow thnx guys xxx

-He slid into the chair opposite you and placed his hands on the table nervously

-“Um,, I didn’t think you’d actually be here wow”

-“I didn’t think I would be here either,,, but then I realised, I really wanted to see you”

-“Me?”

-“Yes,,,, I uh,,, really like you Chan”

-QUEUE CHAN BLUSHING BC WOW EVEN THOUGH HE CALLED YOU PRETTY EARLIER HE WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO ASK YOU OUT TONIGHT BUT HE COULDN’T HELP BUT LOVE HOW STRAIGHTFORWARD YOU WERE

-“Wow…… me too Y/N. I’ve been trying for weeks to try and ask you out you know” he laughed awkwardly

-You couldn’t help but giggle, reaching for his hands

-Chan smiled, intertwining his fingers with yours marvelling at how well they fit together

-“Say,, fancy ditching this lot and grab a movie at my place” you asked wickedly, sending a glance to your friends who were all watching with baited breath

-“Sounds good to me” he grinned back, standing up and pulling you at the bar to the sound of your friends wolf-whistling and Jisung groaning that he was going to have pack all the equipment whilst Changbin laughed at him

-DATING CHAN:

-It’s a dream

-He’s an actual perfect boyfriend and treated you with respect and you hadn’t been happier

-So sure, the campus body was extremely shocked to see the two of you walk around holding hands and occasionally kissing each other on the cheek

-But they LOVED it

-Stone Y/N suddenly lost their nickname,, becoming more known as Chan’s partner but still maintaining your cool demeanour bc hello,,,, u studied law and u knew things

-ANYWAY

-Chan would try and take you on dates quite often, ranging from a simple picnic on campus to a fancy dinner at a high end restaurant you were sure he couldn’t afford but still paid for it all anyway, despite ur constant protests that you could pay

-One day you planned a surprise date and bought him a new microphone (after much discussion with changbin about which one to go) he tried to refuse it, but you told him you threw the receipt away because you wanted to treat him

-(Chan refuses to admit that he cried when he went back to the dorm, but felix has photographic evidence to prove otherwise)

-He made up for it by writing a song for you and performing it at a 3racha gig which made you cry, the fangirls cry,,,, some even say that Changbin cried but he would dispute this reverently

-That’s one thing you do more often,, you go out a lot more and you try to go to every 3racha gig in order to support ur mans

-You were becoming a lot more open,, which one drunken night Sana was sobbing in your arms about how proud she was of you coming out of your shell because of Chan and if he ever broke your heart she would break something of his

-You had laughed at this,,, with wet eyes bc u were slightly emotional bc of what she said, reassuring you that if chan was going to break your heart you were very capable of breaking that very same part

-Dating Chan meant that you also became the official parent alongside Chan of all of his kids

-Felix took an immediate liking to you, sticking to you like glue whenever you all hung out together

-It was very cute tbh,,,, until they learnt that you were the infamous stone Y/N and ur family was extremely rich

-Chan snapped at the boys when they asked if you could treat them to expense bbq one day and they were all extremely sheepish after that

-You didn’t mind,,, u didn’t mind treating the boys bc you knew they wouldn’t try and manipulate you for it (hint: like some of ur first “friends” when u first got to college and Sana dragged Momo over to scare them away from you as they saw you constantly paying for everything… rumour has it that they still run away if they see momo at any place)

-You had to drag Chan away from them to calm him down

-He just didn’t want anyone to take advantage of you again,,,, he had nearly cried when you had told him why you were so closed off and didn’t have many friends

-You stroked the back of his hands and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, reassuring him that it was fine

-When you went back to the boys,, they all apologised to you and you ruffled Felix’s hair lovingly

-Chan’s hand tightened around yours, and you shot him a look before announcing that it was your turn to pay for the family meal this time and dragged them all to a bbq place

-You and Chan were feeding each other at the table, much to the disgust of Seungmin and Hyunjin

-You just stuck your tongue out at them, feeding Chan another bit of chicken

-When you went to go pay the bill, all 9 of them tried to pay instead but you swatted them off brandishing your card at them before handing it to the cashier

- Who was very confused, accepting the card with a very concerned look on their face

-Like how was 1 person going to pay for a table of 10 when they had nearly eaten their entire kitchen

-Their face was a little shocked when the transaction went through and they handed the card back to you whilst the rest of the boys looked on awed

-“Now boys,,, that’s your quota for the month” you beamed at them, strutting out of the restaurant

-You just became their favourite person, but also most feared person in the world

-You also spent a lot of time with Chan in the recording studio,, especially coming up towards the end of 3rd year as Chan was super stressed about his final composition piece

-You were stressed as well bc you had an important trial coming up right at the end,,, and whilst you were stressed, you knew you were going to be okay bc you had studied all your materials for a while

-Seeing Chan screw up his 100th piece of paper one night whilst you were studying at his dorm, you put your notes down and went over to his desk where he was sat with his head in his hands

-You soothingly rubbed his shoulders, whispering sweet nothings into his ears

-Without warning, he spun around in his chair and you realised his eyes were glazed over hazily

-His hands rested on your waist, and you instinctively melted into his touch

-Your lips met and before you knew it, he had picked you up and placed you onto his bed, lips grazing over your jawline and neck in butterfly kisses occasionally stopping to leave a mark on your neck

-Well,,, one thing led to another and u were just glad Felix hadn’t come back as you snuggled up to Chan, hand resting over his chest

-Felix came back the next day, throwing Chan’s t-shirt at him before walking straight back out

-You were very confused, burying deeper into the sheets as Chan pulled you closer pressing a kiss to your forehead

-You and Chan were honestly the campus sweethearts, you weren’t always together but you bet your chemistry notes that he would leave a sticky note on your file before you went to a mock trial

- Chan found you extremely attractive in your suit and you were nearly late the morning of your last mock trial lmao

-You were just very supportive of each other as well as your friends

-Like you never failed to turn up to Felix’s musicals together, even after you had both graduated

-Chan accompanied you to Sana, Mina and Momo’s dance recitals and you went to all of Seungmin’s baseball games even if he wasn’t playing

-You became known as the campus parents tbh

-Just a very wholesome couple

-When the two of you, along with Woojin, and a few others graduated that year, you bet that your friendship group all turned up and had massive banners with your names on, hollering when you got called up

-They also threw a massive party at the pub that 3racha frequented (the owner let them rent it out for free) and you all ended up crying by the end of the day, you comforting a sobbing Jeongin whilst Chan was hugging Felix

-Oh,,, after you graduated Chan took you to Australia to meet his family for the summer before you started your internship and he took aesthetic photos of you all the time

-You literally had to wrestle his phone out of his hand before you got spammed by the 8 boys who kept getting these photos of you sent in their gc

-Ugh you’re just two extremely loving parents of about 17 kids and you wouldn’t change it for the world, you thought that last day altogether at bar

ahhh wow thank you again for 100 followers and next up on the college aus is.... *drum rolls* WOOJIN

[icharchivist]

i know last post is a joke and it's bc chikage clearly has issues and like i say that all the time that i have 0 standarts but also I'm joking when i say that :( he has a lot of fascinating elements to him and he's much better than that...

(fucktons of spoilers for act 2 underneath) (also it got long)

yeah chikage has a terrible start in the story and he sure has flaws but he's also like a chara who canonically tends to repress his trauma and i could argue that a lot of his bad traits come from that in particular and i have so much sympathy for it (even more so since he begs for help about being saved from it in his character song)

to me it's someone who's been thrown into an awful situation and coped as he could, the fact he considers truth a weakness is indication that he could never feel safe being truthful, and the circumstances of his grief really put the fact he has unhealthy coping mechanism on fire to burn the only person he still cared about.

not to mention i think there's something just to be said about his dedication to stay in the organization to protect hisoka because it's the acknowledgement that his hands are so dirty anyway that he can keep dirtying them if it means he can protect the people he loves, but like again, in his song he begs to "be saved from this fate" so i doubt it's something he's doing because he truly doesn't mind - August wanted to free him too after all, and he knew Chikage better than anyone.

and imo there's a layer of self hatred that comes with being dedicated in staying the monster. just like also in citron's arc he accepts to be "the villain" again and be hated if that's what Citron needs of him, Chikage has no fun at all about it and he doesn't even bother to lie about it either which imo shows how much he's throwing his life away for others.

not to mention his lies are also a reflexion of that - by denying others of knowing about him he's sacrificing a part of his identity to keep everyone's safe and imo the fact he was truthful to Tsuzuru about that ways before he considered the spring troupe family (and that the lie he tells tsuzuru to get him to protect himself is still based on half truth) show that it's not something he's doing out of joy and that even at his worst he still considered ways to protect those people (even if it was for something as simple as he projected August on Tsuzuru that time)

also i do think a few of his deeper lies are based on half truth which i find fascinating. the story he tells Tsuzuru clearly is supposed to evoke August and Hisoka. The lie he tells Sakyo about where he was with Izumi is based on, if you boil it down, "making things right for your sibling" which is still exactly what happened then.

also to anyone who called his lies gaslighting, please actually research what gaslighting is because it's not what he's doing. it's not a synonym for lying. gaslighting implies wanting to make their victim doubt their reality by enforcing that their recolection of an event was made up by them and remplacing said recolection by a lie. it's a manipulation tool to make people think they cannot even trust themselves. and it is a paterns, not a one off thing, because it's a form of long term abuse. Chikage always says he's lying about himself, not about what people think they know, he made it clear that people shouldn't trust what he's saying, the only "lie" he keeps up is about his identity and it's to protect everyone, even in the end he tells Sakyo that he wishes he could tell the truth but he can't share it. "Rather than fooling others, i'm better at fooling myself" as he says in his character song. also another indication than his lies are a coping mechanisms to set distance with his own feelings and keeping people from getting too close, not to manipulate others. (note also that as far as i can tell he never lied to Hisoka, ie the only person who actually knows him).

when people love or relate to a character who sees themselves as the villain, as the monster, there's deeper truth that can be unveilled for that.

and if he's honest about it, considering his thoughts on his mother and step dad(s) i think there is a deep cut into his ability to trust others because of that situation and it is so deep that it's probably more arguments on why he closed himself to this point. also i know ppl are mad at the direction this took and yeah i get it but it's a him problem, he just doesn't want to be touched and I'm still mhmmm at the amount of trust you must have lost from your parents to get to such a level of repulsion.

but without even going that deep a lot of Chikage's fans I've met are Gekka fans and they're especially emotional over his dynamic with Hisoka and his attempts to now make things right toward him. and imo part of the reason Chikage doesn't apologize (which i saw people being angry about) is because he doesn't even forgive himself for the things he's done, he's doing the right thing now because he wants to protect what he loves but i don't think he deserves to be forgiven, which is why he also tried to run away that one time, before he could have this one convo with Hisoka when they talked about their shared trauma.

(tbh add the lyrics to Scarlet Game where Hisoka says "but only i was forgiven" because he's the only one who got out of the organization in the end and allowed to move on while it acknowledge that as long as Chikage remains in the organization he is stuck unable to move on from the horrible things he has done and will do for it. Chikage is like trapped and he picked that fate to make sure Hisoka was safe but it's so sad.)

I'd also argue that considering act 2 acts in pair, with the spring and winter chapter foiling each other and summer and autumn doing so as well, Chikage's family mistrust and how it impacted him can and should be set in parallelism with Guy's situation, because both seem to have been coping with their mother's poor decisions in men and the neglect that followed in letting their kids being hurt and repressing themselves because of that and joining organization where both could be tools with a distance toward their emotions. tho that does rely on Chikage telling the truth about that one thing but so far I'd tend to believe it.

Chikage's copings are a dumpfire and it doesn't help that his grief was so raw that he just fucked up everything, but the amount of trauma that hides underneath is so compelling to me.

also lbr but i also don't trust someone who keeps a potion used to comit suicide on him at all time is someone who is completely at peace with his life. the organization likely wired in all gekka that their lives didn't matter and that they should throw it out for the organization and imo it gave them a unhealthy rapport to death. even the fact Chikage did threatens Hisoka that he "should not come back alive if August dies" the aftermath showed that it's not something Chikage seriously thought. imo i believe Chikage believed that, but when he learnt of Hisoka's death he must have felt partially responsible and realized the weight of his words. while it's an horrible thing to say the fact Hisoka rolled his eyes at it means, imo, that they were both wired in not setting values into their lives anyway. and considering how quickly Hisoka tRIED TO KILL HIMSELF i would actually bet that it extends to Chikage. i believe both of them were wired with suicidal thoughts they could easily act on. again, the fact August tempered with the potions imo really show he expected both brothers one day to kill themselves and he tried to prevent that blaming himself for it. so yeah while what Chikage told Hisoka was awful, they were probably both raised with that mindset, Chikage realized too late the weight of this mindset and has now an opportunity to fix it, but i also think it shouldn't be brushed off that Hisoka acted on it and tried to kill himself and that by all account, Chikage would have a similar thought process.

(also feel like it reflects in their character song of suicidal idealization but in different ways: Hisoka of not wanting to wake up, to keep living in a dream because reality frightens him and he's scared of himself, while Chikage's would probably be more about how he feels like he cannot be saved from his fate. that's overreading though but i think about it a lot)

ALSO (this is the fourth time I'm editing this post with an addition) his spice addiction is something to consider bc I've read a thread about it once and, it seems that, spices unleash specific chemicals that sends a pain reaction to the brain that is answered with andorphine to ease the pain and it is what brings joy out of it. Chikage eats an ungodly amount of spice which is already alarming, he mentions it's the only food he can bear to eat but it took him a long while to appreciate it, so the guy just needed Homemade Chemicals to be stable and ironically those involve pain. it also can product an addiction and we know Chikage feels it that way bc of his "I'm in spice withdraw" line and that in his vampire backstage when he tries to stop eating spice it reflects on his mood a lot, Hisoka gets alarmed by how much of a bad mood Chikage is in. so like... it's not healthy for Chikage to do that and while now he probably eats spice just to eat it and the chemical reactions doesn't do as much effect (like coffeeaddiction) it still is that Chikage had to find ways to cope with his life and now he can't really let go and it's super sad to me?

and it's honestly incredible because i started this post wanting to share very personal reasons Chikage's arc echoed with me but instead with the preface alone it's a character meta that just stands on its own, so like, feel that i feel all of that for him while also having deeply personal reasons to connect with him. (not relate tho, not... really, but connect and feel sympathy)

so yeah i know I'm also one to joke about my low standarts when it comes to how i love Chikage because he has glaring flaws but all i see is a wounded man and i feel so much for him and imo there's a lot, lot of reasons to feel sympathy for him.

so yeah i love Chikage bye.