#lee donghguck x reader

[technologyculturedneo]

I Never Meant To Leave You Hurting.

Donghyuck ft Renjun 

“Do you still love me? Because I never meant to leave you hurting, you need to know that.”

PAIRING(S). Ex-boyfriend!Haechan X Reader X Boyfriend!Renjun

SUMMARY. Once again, you get stopped by some boys looking for a street interview and your opinions on love. In the interview, flashbacks of your chaotic relationship with your ex-boyfriend Donghyuck hits your mind with memories. Doubts and thoughts circle your mind as you think about  your current relationship with your new boyfriend Renjun and if you moved on too fast- and if you should’ve forgiven Donghyuck and given him a second chance.

You're sure there are stars in your eyes when looking up into Donghyuck's longing eyes. You want to feel as though you've got your emotions under check and that your heart is not pining for him- yet the depth of your eyes reveal your hearts longing for the being in front of you. You remember a time when you would always feel flattered, gushed over him and feel so much love radiating out of him. However now, you don't know how to feel. You're scared for certain. But you aren't scared of him, you're scared of your feelings towards him. Why is it, that those bitter sweet memories of your past together are lightening up? Why is it, that he's holding your hand right now and you don't feel hatred or disgust, but instead the pits of your stomach are mushing up by how warm he's making you feel? Why is it, that his hands that are playing with yours makes you feel warm? Why is it, that your ex boyfriend Lee Donghyuck is sitting right in front of you and you're not hating him?

You're looking at him anxiously, afraid of your feelings towards him.

It was never supposed to be like this, you were never supposed to be trapped in a coffee shop with him, or even in this type of predicament, especially after years. You told yourself that you’d never allow him in your life again, never again, yet you find yourself seated opposite him with his cold hands wrapped securely around yours...the way they used to. Reminding you that he's going to protect you, no matter what.

"Can we go back to us? I want us, to be an us again."

You feel your throat tighten by his sudden confession. “Dongh-”

"I love you."

Your heart feels vulnerable with him, you feel like you can even give up your soul. With the way his eyes fondly move between your eyes dropping to your lips. You’d always crawl back to him- and you didn’t want that...or at least you think that you don't. “Donghyuck, please don’t...”

“I failed you,” He acknowledges, keeping your hands in his, even as you lightly tug away. "I really failed you," His head drops to your hands in his. There used to be a time when your hands in his was the only validation you needed to feel loved, remembering how secured you used to feel in his hands breaks him.

How much you trusted him with your heart and even your life- is unlimited. You loved him, you were ready to even die in his hands all in the name of never letting him go and helping him.

He takes a breath, his eyes roaming around your insecure fragile face, looking into you...into your eyes that hold him on a high pedestal. He allows himself to take advantage of the fact that he’s got you all for himself. “I miss you. I know, it’s not what you want to hear, but I really do. I know you’re gone and I get that you don’t want to see me ever again, but I still have so much love that’s remained for you,”

He softly calls your name, lifting up your hands to his face as he places his lips on them. A soft kiss from his lips makes your heart skip beats.

“I need to hear, hear that you want me back. I wanna feel that you still... that you still want me. Everyone talks about you, about what a fool I was that I lost you, and now I can see that. I see it clearly and I miss you,”

Your eyes latch down to your hands and you shakily breathe out. You've always asked yourself, if Donghyuck ever stood in front of you and asked for your forgiveness, would you forgive him?

You'd immediately answer, no and never. Because you were convinced in your soul that he would never be the type of guy to come back to you. He always said that you would be the one to crawl back to him.

And just like the past, you’ve fallen for the way he calls your name and sweeps your feet with meaningless sweet nothings. And you want to crawl back to him. Especially when you look into his eyes and see that he's changed.

15 minutes ago...

"Hi, can I stop you for a moment? We just want to talk to you about some things, if you don’t mind?"

You look away from your phone to a young man blocking your path with a phone in his hand- positioned as if it's a mic. "I'm actually busy, sorry,"

"We won't take much of your time," The guy insists. "We just want to talk to you about some stuff and ask you some questions for a survey we're doing."

Geez. It’s those wannabe youtubers again. But why, why is it that you’re always a target for these young YouTubers who casually stop people on the street? Either way you try not to show disinterest as you see that he has another young guy by his side following him with a camera- not camera phone but real camera with a hairy looking ball underneath it, that probably is for the camera to block out sound.

"Yeah?" You lower your phone a giving them your attention, hoping that the faster this goes, the faster you can get back home. Giving the person your attention you quickly notice how his cautious face becomes more lively. 

He looks immediately pleased and takes a quick moment to relax before clearing his throat. He must've tried stopping multiple of people which most likely declined or ignored him. You can't blame them- nowadays YouTubers seem to want to do impossible challenges- or TikTok current trends. And for some unknown reason, whether it’s because you look approachable or maybe because you don’t look like you’re in a rush- you always seem to be caught by them.

The previous weak, there was a guy called Mark who interviewed you for about 5 minutes and wanted to get your views on cheating. It wasn’t an easy topic, but you managed to pull through. Some days ago, a guy called Jaemin, a street photographer stopped you just so that he could ask about your street fashion. You didn’t wear anything out of the world class famous styles, but he somehow saw it fit to interview you. He even took photos of you. Regardless, you’re always a target. Even when you were in a park, another guy with a dashingly beautiful furred dog sat next to you and just asked advice from you. His name was Jeno and he wanted to know if he should return to his ex.

It was a tough topic, but you ended up giving him the universal advice of 'follow your heart and not your mind'.

Perhaps you should cut down on your evening strokes along the streets and actually wait for your boyfriend at home, it's not safe out there. Or maybe you should just decline these street interview questions. Simple and done. But you don't have the balls to walk away or actually say no to strangers who look really happy to have finally caught someone they can talk to.

"Let's just move over not to disturb people," He says while motioning to a less busy sidewalk on the other side.

"Cool,"

Moving over with them to a spacious side walk you notice, as anticipated, the guy with a phone as a mic brings out a little notepad and reads over it before hiding it behind his pocket again. "It's a pleasure to have you accept our little invitation. My name's Chenle and the guy behind the camera is my best friend Jisung, may we kindly get your name?"

You tell him your name feeling a little secure.

He smiles a mischievous smile causing you to laugh a little. "Nice to meet you. We're college students majoring in journalism and we just go around talking to people about different topics, would you be interested in answering some of our questions?"

You put your phone away in your back nodding your head. "Sure. That's actually a great degree. I have a degree in journaling and wouldn't mind helping you guys out. It's a tough world to enter in and we've all gotta help each other out with connections,"

“Really? That's cool," The guy behind the camera, Jisung expresses looking away from the camera acknowledging you. He’s got those reflective faces, where all his emotions are on full display. "We'll get your contact details after this if you wouldn't mind?"

"That would depend on how good your questions are," You tease making both the guys smirk out confidently. 

"Alright lets get into it," Chenle nods his head placing his phone close to his mouth. You shift in closer paying attention to him. "Alright, so when I saw you walking, I immediately had a topic. Say it's cliché or whatever, but I feel like our generation specifically our youth now has problems with maintaining relationships because we lack the knowledge of love and what it should be. We have high expectations that it actually clouds out our vision of what it should be. Do you agree?"

"You got that topic when looking at me?" You chuckle lightly before puckering your lips together turning your eyes into his relaxed yet stern gaze. "That's an interesting observation you have there. I mean, love is love, so I agree."

"Yeah," he nods his head. "Love is love. Care to go deeper?"

'I think I love you.' He slowly caresses your back looking into your eyes.

"Deeper?" You chuckle blinking yourself out of the hazy memory that you want to forget. A voice you try to ignore. "Okay. Like, I believe that it's a deep topic and we can get misguided by various of sources of what it should be like, you know." As soon as you say that, as soon as those words leave your lips, you trigger a feeling so deep within that you stop talking for a bit.

Familiar eyes stare back at you and you remember being in the happiest of moments. Those familiar eyes in your head came back to haunt you. Laying in bed, bare and nude, holding onto to each other.

Your lips quirk up causing you to lean closer into his touch. 'Donghyuck I love you,'

'You're dick drunk and misguided,' He nods his head smiling. 'Sex isn't love.'

'No Dongy, love is love, it can also be sex,' You hum out when his lips, warm, take in your neck, you shift aside to give him more access while he dives in and places hungry kisses marks. 'Just like that,'

While nibbling and planting kisses, he mummers on your neck. 'Love is love? You're so fucked right now, it's why you're confusing the two,'

'Love. So what is love Donghyuck? And aren't you making love to me right now?'

'We're having sex. But I'm happy being inside of you,' he says his lips beginning to travel lower and lower again. 'I don't mind calling it love, or sex.'

"Love." You blink twice trying to get the feeling of his warm lips off your neck and his eyes- gazing eyes upon your features tenderly. You thought you knew what it was when you were with him, but now upon being asked, you have no answer.

What it love? Could it really just be sex or something deeper? Or maybe we’ve over analyzed it and put it on such a high pedestal. I mean Renjun has said it's an overly dramatic word to express desire.

"All I can say, is that, it's something we all want, need and probably obsess over. It's mystical, almost paranormal. But it’s sweet. It's something beautiful," You bite your lip a little as Renjun's lips tugging upwards comes to your mind.

Renjun draws closer to you with his hands gently moving over your shoulder. Coming closer to your defeated position on the floor, your eyes only look at his smile. 

'It hurts now, but you'll heal sooner then later,'

Your eyes don't leave his gentle smile, even when his body encloses you in a warm hug, your thoughts think of his smile. The smile he has reminds you so much of how Donghyuck used to feel. 'I love him Renjun,'

'Love. Overly used and dramatic just to express desire. I don't know what it is, but I do know it isn't supposed to be abusive. He used you and sucked you of all you could be,' 

Renjun whispers as you fully burry yourself in his embrace crying out when the tears well up in your eyes.

'It's okay. He's gone. He won't hurt you anymore.'

Right now, you can only think of Renjun's smile instead of Donghyuck, because it was the first time that Renjun smiled at you. Smiled at you for standing your ground and breaking up with Donghyuck.

He’s the same person to have witnessed your rollercoaster of emotions in your relationship with Donghyuck. From the beginning when you and Donghyuck hit it off, when you were all smiles, even when you had misunderstandings- he was there. He became a middleman when things started getting rocky between Donghyuck and you too. He was there when Donghyuck aimlessly became angry and would not see clearly, constantly fighting with you and even hurting you with pleasure.

Renjun was truly your only silver lining in a love that you thought was real. He helped you out of the cave Donghyuck forced you into and led you out to a bright place where love is supposed to be a mystery.

Chenle nods his head thoughtfully. "So you already had expectations of what it should be like?"

You must’ve been quiet for some time because when you look up Chenle has a smug look on his face. "You sound like you're dreaming,"

Clearing your throat, you shrug your shoulders with a little smile. "I mean, love is love. As a child I always thought that it's something so great. But I don’t know, expectations were higher, only to be crushed and told that it’s a strange and mysterious experience that only some can feel,”

"Yeah," You slightly grin recalling your parents and what they're love was like. "My parents were the ones who evoked those expectations. Of course they'd argue here and there and they'd make up- but their love always looked like something so sacred and untouched- it was mysterious and I wanted to experience that as well,"

"That's deep," Chenle nods his head. "Have you experienced it yet?”

“That’s something I think about everyday,” You chuckle. “But I like to think that I have. It’s not like my parents, but it’s really sweet,” Constant laughter with Renjun, solace moments being in his embrace and the security that after every argument you’d still come back into his arms with so much more love.

“Alright,” Chenle smiles peeking curiously at the camera. “Actually, now that you bring that up. Would you say that our parents and the older generation know more about the secrets of love, or maybe, do you think they were faking it all and keeping it under the wraps for the sake of staying in toxic relationships? Because you know, right now our laws are more open with all types of relationships. Couples can get a divorce, they no longer can stay for the sake of kids or family or whatever. They have choices now,"

“Wow you’re going that far and bringing the law? Okay," You nod your head smiling a little. "Uh the classical battle of old and young. I believe our generation has no peace or patience. That's just my cup of tea. I'd say that the older generation had more patience and wisdom. Say perhaps they were in an abusive relationship-" The image of Donghyuck blacking out and unleashing his anger out on you, only to stop midway and hastily apologize. "They had no where else to go and stuck it out. The more they stayed together they were able to resolve the matter and know each other's personality and how they'd react to certain things. I always keep in mind that in a relationship I'm living with someone else who has been raised differently, I'm living with someone else's child and they have traits that I like and others that I don't. And it's not like I want to romanticize staying if a relationship is toxic- and I don't like to encourage staying if it requires you to believe that you can change the person, no. I just like to keep in mind that theirs room for growth. And if I really take my time and not be quick to anger or judgement then I can stay regardless of the current circumstance. Older generation all the way,"

"I love how soft spoken you are," Chenle compliments with a charming smile. He begins reciting what I said in a mimicking sweet voice making me flustered. But as he speaks, a daunting voice echo’s in my head.

'Is there a reason you're mad with me?'

Donghyuck stays silent causing you to worry.

'Babe what's wrong? What did I do this time?'

He scoffs. 'Having an opinion.' Even with his eyes on the road you notice he rolls his eyes disapprovingly of what you did when you were with his friends.

'Why're you being so fussy? Everyone was having a good time and no one else was talking.'

'Geez Y/n.' He grunts irritatedly. 'Honestly speaking, do you need to have an opinion about everything? I don't care if everyone was having a good time, I wasn't. And it's all because of your voice. When we're home, I hear you you you, when we're out I hear you you you, do you not get tired of talking? Of hearing your voice? Fuck.'

You're taken aback by his burst of anger and turn to look out your window. 'Are you saying I should be quiet?'

'That would be great. Just shut up already.' That doesn't stop him from talking. 'Your voice can be pretty annoying you know.' Donghyuck complains turning into our street. 'I'd prefer you to speak less when in public, or just shut up all together. I'm tired of hearing your voice. You sound annoying as hell.’

"You're really intuitive," Chenle agrees suddenly and you snap your attention back to him. "Your words were food for thought and even debatable, like when you said this generation has no patience, I felt that. I thought of my mother too. If I can just say, my parents fought like crazy as if there was no tomorrow. Still they stayed together for our sake and now I can actually see that they get along like a working machine. My mum knows all the buttons to push and when to push it, my dad is aware of the things he does and how it affects him and her. If it were up to me, I could talk to you all day, you have interesting thoughts,”

That's not what Donghyuck would say- you find yourself thinking. He would tell you to shut up. But ever since these street interviews began, a lot of the things Donghyuck despised about you, you'd began getting praises for them.

Donghyuck said he hated how fragile and weak your heart was. Mark the YouTuber said he loved how you have a big and understanding heart.

Donghyuck hated the way you dressed. Jaemin complimented your style and your uniqueness.

Donghyuck complained that you never listened to him and we're selfish. Jeno thanked you for taking your time to listen and provide him with comfort.

Chenle is telling you that you have interesting views, but Donghyuck would strongly disagree and try to not get you feeling good about yourself and your thoughts.

Sometimes it just happens, his voice comes in your head or flashbacks find themselves in your memory. You try to not dwell on them, but ever since you’ve gotten in these street interviews you found yourself getting more reminders of the dark cave you were once in.

It’s irking because whenever the memories come, a piece of you, the one that never hated Donghyuck, that still had faith in him comes back. If you could see him now, despite all that he’s done to you, and after everything that Renjun has done, you know that you’d shamefully go back into his arms. And that’s what hurts you the most. The fact that you think that he deserves a second chance... well 67th chance..or rather infinite chances.

“This isn’t about you Chenle,” Jisung calmly reminds, bringing Chenle’s attention back to the interview. 

“Oh yeah, it just felt like a real conversation. As I was trying to say, you know other people would differ, they'd say, like you mentioned abuse is abuse and you can't force yourself to stay. What do you think of that?"

You nod my head. "You can’t force yourself to stay, it’s true. In fact the circle of people who know you will do everything they can to push you out of that kind of relationship. But their are others who force people into it. So I get where they’re coming from, but in this case, don't get in a relationship. Don't get in and mess someone else up more and then leave. It affects the person more when you leave. That person will now enter another relationship and ruin it because of what they dealt with in previous relationships. That's them, but now for you, you will also enter another relationship wondering what went wrong in the previous relationship and how to change it. The more we break each other's hearts, we're actually diminishing what love really is and what it should be. It's like a rebound type of love where we try to convince ourselves that things would go differently if we did this or that,"

"True," Chenle nods instantly. "You're taking the questions right out my mouth. It's like you know what people want."

I laugh. "People just need to be loved. So of course one topic would lead into another opening,"

He nods his head. "I love your cup of tea and wouldn't mind you being our go to source, in a lot more interviews," he compliments but shakes his head getting back on track. You try not to frown by how odd that sentence sounds. Is it something that all interviewers say, or is it what the ones who have spoken to you say...talking to you as if you're the most interesting person ever. Weird. "With that said, you mentioned for people not to get into relationships and fuck everything up for the person. How would you suggest a person engages in a relationship then?"

"The power of friendship can go a long way. Sometimes before you even date, you just need to spend time with someone.” You say. “I wouldn't advice you to get in a relationship with someone who already struggles by themselves, be a supportive friend instead. I wouldn't advice that the butterflies in your stomach push you into a rushed relationship, but I'd advice you to hold it in until you are sure that you can't see yourself without the person. Ever. I also wouldn't advice obsessing over the person, just be friendly. It doesn't have to be a long time, but its reasonable if you spend a long time because you'll see habits and traits show up more when you're both comfortable with each other."

'Where does it hurt?' Renjun asks, taking a seat next to you on the couch. You point your heart and he bends down kissing your chest before placing his beautiful lips on your eyes- his lips kissing your tears away. He sits normally again after some time still embracing you. 'It will get better soon,'

It's been some months since you broke up with Donghyuck and started living with Renjun. He's been extremely sweet, kind and patient. He told you that you could stay with him while looking for an apartment, he didn’t want you to rush or even have too much to worry about, so he suggested that you stayed with him. He also advised for you to stay with him just incase Donghyuck would come again. Renjun just wanted for you to get your head out of ‘Donghyuck’s ass’. And so when living with him, when he’d go to work, you’d find yourself thinking about Donghyuck. Sometimes it was hard to let go. Sometimes it was hard not to cry when you thought of him. Your heart aches when you think of how he turned out.

When you were kids, he'd push you in the sand pit, lock you in a headlock or pin you underneath him and his mum would say it's cute, but now when older and he pushed you to the ground trapping you underneath him as he had his way with you and pulled your hair- would his mum still say it's cute? You think of these things often when Renjun would leave for work. But when he came back to his house, you’d be in a shivering state with tears pouring out of you like a rainfall.

'Aren't you mad at me?'

'Mad at you?' He asks quietly causing you to look up at him. 'No.' he shakes his head. 'Why would you think I'm mad?'

'Because you come home late every night and instead of resting up, you're taking care of me, listening to my annoying voice that goes on and on abut things that aren't interesting to you... I feel like a burden,' You mumble hiding your face in his chest.

He pats your head. 'You've never been a burden to me. I'm tired yes, but I'd never get tired of you Y/n. How could you even think that?' Cry as much as you need to, say what you want to say, get it off your chest, I don't mind being here for you,'

'You'll get tired,' you mumble out.

'Never.' he shakes his head.

'Then I'll get tired,'

'I'm hoping you'll get tired of him and believing you are of less importance to me,'

From his behavior to his sincerity, you can spot the mild difference between Renjun and Donghyuck. Donghyuck never had time for your tears, pretended he couldn't see or hear you cry. But Renjun, despite not seeing him for almost half a day, when he was around he'd make time for you, always. 'Your parents must be so proud of you, they raised you right.' You comment.

The room becomes silent. He clears his throat rubbing your shoulder as he stares into the distance. 'Both my parents are drunkards. My mum's a whore and my dad manages her. They had me by accident and barely cared for me, well, they cared that I sold my body to perverts who wanted a young child. I ran away as soon as I got the chance.' He sighs swallowing the bitterness. 'So much for being proud and raising me right. If I went back to them, I'm sure they'd drug me and sell me off to some rich old lady looking for a sugar baby.' Renjun chuckles darkly.

'I'm so sorry.' Your mouth instantly utters. 'I'm so sorry Renjun. I didn't know, I didn't mean to intrude. I'm sorry.' Your mouth continuously apologises as you sit up bowing your head. He crosses his legs and rests his hand against the couch while lightly patting your arm.

'I wanted to share it with you, to let you know that despite our past relationships we can still turn out to be decent human beings.' he states. 'Besides, it's not your fault. I turned out pretty great if you say so. I mean, I've got my weaknesses here and there, but you've always trusted my verdict...and that made me feel useful in a good way, not the way my parents forced me to believe. We're friends who help each other, so thank you,'

It's your first time hearing him talk about himself so much. And in this moment, your eyes are hooked to him.

"No for real, it'd be an honor to get you in a lot of our discussions. Its a pleasure talking to you and listening. You give out actual answers and things to talk about," Chenle faces the camera. "Finally a considerate human being,"

"Well, I'm talking from experience. When unfortunate circumstances happen they tend to make you think about relationships differently. However they groom you to be a better version of yourself."

You chortle covering your face for bit trying to clear your head a bit, from the distracting face coming to mind. Donghyuck versus Renjun... your heart seems to weigh the two together. You're afraid that maybe...you're using Renjun to get over Donghyuck. And that maybe, somehow you might be ready to forgive him. But to get back with him, is surely impossible...right?

A prime example would be when you told Renjun it was okay when he asked to kiss you

"You've still got time right?"

It's not everyday he comes home drunk, but amongst the first few months when you were living with him, he came back home late then usual smelling like alcohol. You should've done something. Instead of making him seat and listen to him blabber about how much he likes you, you should've given him water to drink or some air to cool off. But no, your heart fell into a trap of being naive all over again. Renjun was drunk and confessing how much he liked you.

You sat down and listened to him talk- the same way you did when Donghyuck first came home drunk. You thought he just needed you to listen to him. So when Renjun asked to kiss you, you said yes absentmindedly. One thing led to another and before you know it both your clothes were off. You were so used to Donghyuck having sex with you even though he was drunk out of his mind - that it slipped your mind that Renjun wasn't the same as Donghyuck.

He despised himself the next morning when he woke up and saw you bare next to him.

You blink twice, getting yourself out of the illusion. You check your watch and nod your head. "It depends, I should be going soon, my boyfriend will arrive soon. But I'm sure he won't mind,"

"Your boyfriend won't mind? He won’t mind two dudes with his girl?" he questions while pointing to himself and Jisung and you nod your head despite his confusion. "So you're in a relationship right now and you said your answers would determine if you're in love right?"

You nod your head giving a smile. "Yes,"

"You know if it doesn't work out, I wouldn't mind," He flaunts out confidently.

You simply shake your head with a smile. "I'm very much in love with my boyfriend, thank you very much,"

His frowns playfully and sulks with a smile. "Alright, which leads me to my question, if you don't mind sharing a bit on your relationship,"

"As best as I can,"

He nods his head. "It's a series of questions, and it might make you feel uncomfortable,"

"Uncomfortable? Urm, okay let's see where this goes,"

He takes in a deep breath and turns to your direction again. "From your spaced out answers I pretty much guessed you were deep in thought about some things. So if you don't mind me asking, were you thinking of your boyfriend? Because from your previous statement of unfortunate circumstances, I think I was a bit confused. Does the unfortunate circumstances have something to do perhaps with an ex lover?"

Nervously running your fingers through your hair, you shyly smile and cross your legs. "Well at first I was only thinking of my boyfriend and then you mentioned abuse and all that and I thought of my previous boyfriend...my ex."

"My bad." Chenle's eyes widen and he looks concerned. "You said you speak from experience, so did he abuse you?"

"That question is a bit," You nervously chuckle ignoring his empathy.

"I'm sorry, I'll change topics." He nods his head and continues on. "What were some of the traits that you hated in your previous relationship?"

He didn't change the topic, he worded the question differently trying to prompt you to answer.

'You know, you don't have to do it if you're uncomfortable.' Renjun speaks up quietly after getting himself on the chair shifting away from you. But you hold onto his hand. It's been some days after your sexual encounter and he's been very agitated and mindful of how he touches you. Whether he remembers confessing or not, you'll never know because you've barely been in close contact with him.

'I appreciate your effort to get me in on the dating world again. But honestly I have my eye on someone,'

His ears perk up and he turns his head to you.

'And this person has told me to not rush into relationships mindlessly. After all love is supposed to be magical.' You quote his words back to him.

He sighs and places his bowl of fruit down. 'We had sex. I was barely conscious and took advantage of you. I don't want to be like Donghyuck who had mindless sex with you. I don't want to be like my parents and build off on sex. I want to be myself and keep to my word. The moment we had sex, my word was broken. And that was to only make love with someone I really like, not to have sex. I really like you, we've gotten to know each other so much more over the last months that I'm convinced in my heart and I'm sure that I like you. I'm sure that I've always liked you. Even when you were with Donghyuck I liked you. I still do. But I'm not perfect. And I'm afraid that if I can't keep up with my word, I might end up hurting you. I've got bad flaws and weaknesses. If I dare compare myself to Donghyuck, I'd say that I'm exactly like him when I'm drunk and not sober.' His eyes glisten with so much emotion.

'You're not like him. You're not like your parents.' You draw closer to him holding onto his hand. 'You're your own unique self. I believe you won't hurt me. I know you won't hurt me. I like you too. And you've made me feel magical.'

He smiles softly. 'Are you sure you want to be with me? It's a long leap down.'

'I'm sure.' You smile brightly.

'No turning back, now,' He mentions. When you smile, his grin gets wider and unlike all the times where Donghyuck and you would make up and he'd kiss you to show how much he truly loved you, Renjun is different and in his difference he doesn't dive in for a kiss, instead he has his hands around you again. After some days without feeling his constant hold, you feel safe and secured. Especially now that you're his.

You suck in your lips looking upwards and nodding your head feeling the wound open up again. A wound. A wound that doesn't seem to want to be closed. As well as a face that doesn't want to get out your head.

Being with Renjun has really made you feel mature over certain things. So with bravery, as Renjun once said, you speak up. "Some of the traits I hated in my previous relationship. Lies. I hate it with a passion. I hate being lied to and my ex boyfriend constantly lied. And it's not that he lied in the middle of the relationship, he lied from the very start. I don't even know if there was a moment of honesty in our relationship. He made me feel like I could change him, he'd always say he's changing for the better but it was a lie. He got worse. He would manipulate my words and turn them against me, it was like a psychological warfare inside that house. Verbal abuse and even physical at times if he was really drunk." You pause after saying that. You bite your lips anxiously peeling off the skin that's lingering. "He started cheating on me with a girl who he told me was his sister at the beginning of our relationship. He began picking me apart saying all sorts of comments about my appearance. And I'd believe him because I was with him for so long, you know in all those fights we'd make up in the most quickest way known to man, sex, and I was all head over heels again and quick to believe that I am indeed changing him because wow he came to apologize to me himself instead of his friends pushing him, he'd wipe my wounds instead of letting his friend do it, he'd say I'm beautiful and buy me these big bouquets of flowers-" You choke on your words a bit and clear your throat as you feel a big sting on your throat. You can't even believe how brutally honest your words have come out. It's like you're speaking to a therapist instead of two boys barely finished with college. But like word vomit, it doesn't stop coming out and you're not so sure why you're not allowing yourself to stop. "Only because he'd feel guilty when I'd smell a feminine perfume or I'd see an item that didn't belong to me. But a trait I hated the most from him, is how he'd sweet talk his way back into my life. The lying talk. I hated how he changed without actually changing. I hated how he said he loved me and still hurt me. It took a lot out of me to finally break up with him, because I was so convinced that I wasn't in a toxic relationship, I was convinced that he loved me and that he'd change... If it weren't for one of his friend's... my current boyfriend, I would have never left him. I'd sink in the dark hole he made me put myself in." You take a deep breath and shrug your shoulders. Despite saying it all out loud, your heart aches. Fuck him. Fuck Donghyuck.

"I'm happy you got out of that relationship. He sounded like a real asshole," Chenle shakes his head. "I'm sorry if that was tough for you to say, especially so publicly. It sounded like a mouthful and very hurtful."

'Did I really do a good job?' you ask Renjun still crying on his shoulder. 'I feel so empty and hollow. He said no one will ever love me the way he did. That he was doing me a favor for my shitty personality. Renjun... I think I made a mistake. I need to call him back.'

"It's okay," You smile, showing that you've moved on. It's hard, but you're sure that you've moved on. Even though his words hurt you at times and affect your relationship with Renjun, it feels good to confess out loud and actually feel that you've made it through the most toughest times in your life.

'Don't do that. Don't bury yourself in him again, thinking that he is your god.' Renjun sways your body side to side his hand patting your head as you sit on the floor of the room Renjun let you stay in. 'You did a good job okay? You're free from his words. I don't want you to think of them anymore. Let them out of your system, you can do that through painting or even writing, or even just talking out about them.'

"And your boyfriend. Your current boyfriend - oh wait, how long were you dating your ex?" Chenle asks.

"About 4 years. We were together for the whole of my college life and when I graduated." You nod your head as their eyes widen. "A lot of making up and fighting was done."

"Damn, you stayed in that bitch." Chenle mumbles and switching the topic. "What about your current boyfriend? How long have you dated him, you mentioned that he was your ex's friend and that you knew him, so how long have you known him for and how long have you guys been dating?"

"Uhm, the same time I met my boyfriend he introduced me to his friends and that's how I met my current boyfriend. So also, 4 years. But we've been dating for about 2 months now," You grin joyously. "It'll be 3 months in 4 days, so next week Wednesday,"

"That must be exciting," Chenle smiles. "Are you hoping it'll last?" You nod my head. "I don't want to sound tacky or intrude especially since you seem like a really honest person. But don't you think going after his friend is kind of...manipulating? I mean since they're friends, do you still see your ex?"

"Truly speaking I hear your question and I'm not trying to play the victim card." You say and zone out a bit. "But he has really been there for me. After breaking up with my boyfriend, I didn't jump on him, in fact I took time to meditate and find myself again. A full year had passed without me involving myself in relationships, so, whether you think it's tacky or manipulative, it doesn't matter because I'm happy now. To answer your other question, I don't see my ex. My boyfriend does, from time to time, but I don't,"

"I'm actually curious, If you don't mind. How come he was the only one who helped you? Did his other friends not know about what your ex did to you?"

"I barely saw his friends." You say. "I was too 'boring' for them. And times I did see them, I kept a happy front. You know, the face you do when you don't want people to know what's happening behind doors. If I had any visible bruises, I'd lie about them... However...some believed and others weren't so convinced, but they didn't do anything."

Reminds you of the first time Renjun's doubts about you and Donghyuck's relationship began.

He came by to drop a notebook Donghyuck had borrowed him, but he stayed much longer because he heard Donghyuck and you yelling at each other- Donghyuck was strongly accusing you and you were heavily defending yourself. According to Renjun, it was the first time he heard you yelling and crying. It was also the first time he heard Donghyuck outside of his bubbly personality be so...'raw'.

He left before he could hear anything else. It's only a few days later when he came by again to check up on you, he saw you massaging your bruised cheek. He asked what happened and you lied that you fell on your face and when he saw your arm and chest marks- he wasn't blind to what his friend had been doing. He knew that something sinister was going on in your relationship and by himself he became the middleman and would intervene between Donghyuck and you whenever you sought out for him.

"What traits does your boyfriend have that you don't like?" Chenle asks.

"He's literally a trying saint. He's so, genuine about everything and sincere. He's really on the nice side of the spectrum. However he still gets mad, or annoyed and even grumpy like a normal human being. But he's passionate, and so all his emotions are to the full. So when he's mad, he'll get fully mad, when he's not in the mood, I can clearly see. When he's irritated, there's this mood around that it's almost tangible. However I've delt with worse, so it doesn't phase me as much.. One thing I dislike, or find it a trait to watch out for before it gets worse, is his drinking. Oh my soul does he drink. He could drink for a whole community. He doesn't drink often, but when he does, it's severely a moment that I know I need to step back."

"Ahhh," Chenle sympathizes with you. "It's always the drinking. Not that it's something negative, but it seriously is a pain when it becomes an addiction. Some people aren't themselves once they become slaves to drinking. Drinking actually gives you so much to deal with. I'm actually surprised that in the same sentence you said you're boyfriend's on the nice spectrum and then went on to saying he's a potential drunkard. Don't you see that as a red flag? Not that I'm speculating, but it's dangerous."

You nod your head thoughtfully. For some reason, you feel that as a jab much more than a concern. "He's working on it. He's had a rough past, so the fact that he's acknowledged his problem and is making an effort by himself to change, I feel secured that he won't turn into a red flag."

Chenle nods his head with a little smile. "As you mentioned that your current boyfriend is on the nice side, would you say that girls prefer being with good nice guys other than guys who are more ambitious?"

Your eyebrows raise up in shock a little. "More ambitious?Sounds like you're taking sides." You chuckle alongside him. "But to answer you, I don't really know about other girls, but with me... My boyfriend's an angel, he's really good to me, he's a whole transition from my ex and I like that a lot. I like that there's not a lot of negative traits to worry about. I like that I can finally feel... something."

"So there's absolutely nothing you hate about him? Nothing at all?" Chenle is surprised and shakes his head. "There must be something, and if you really say there's nothing then it's most likely the sex is bad,"

This makes you laugh out loud and you instantly shake your head trying to disagree. "You really wanna break him down."

Chenle doesn't say it, but he's contemplating on whether your boyfriend is a rebound or is truly sincere. "I wanna see if he's worth taking a chance on. Everyone has flaws, some worse then others, but everyone has something. Okay, can I ask this. Are you with your boyfriend because he's nice, or because you quote on quote love him?"

“That’s an odd way to word the question,” You state but still tilt your head in thought.

Are you with Renjun because he’s nice or because you're in love with him? Well that's not even a question. You're certainly in love with him. He just happens to be nice. 

“I don’t know about other girls, but I can say that it’s nice being in a relationship which feels safe rather then chaotic. So yes, I'm with him because I love him, I love the person he is. He's nice and that's a real flex many people can't have.”

“Alright,” He nods his head. “How about we go on to other traits you might like. To be specific I'm talking about sex. Let's talk about your sex life, if that's okay with you," You snort out a laugh just as his eyebrows raise suggestively. "For most couples aside from being spoilt, the sex is the deal breaker." Chenle sneakily comments again hiding his smile, but failing when his lips raise. "Is that the case for you? Just be free and expressive. We're all grown adults and mature. Talk about it like it's nothing. I could even share my sex life with you if you want,"

Your cheeks instantly flash red but your lips produce other words. "You just really wanna know about the sex, don't you?"

"It's a really serious question though. In some cases it's a deal breaker," Chenle laughs. "So?"

You sigh, taking into consideration that their could be many people watching this. They could also edit it in weird ways if your answers aren't good enough, and that's something you don't want. With unknown courage you sigh out and place your hands in your pocket. "The sex is also different. With my ex, I mean he had a very dominant personality and would just dominant over me... With my boyfriend now, it's like I'm more of... I mean, we're very conservative people but when we're on the bed it's like a switch. Sometimes I'm the one who's cluelessly on top and being... dominant?" You chuckle being flustered. "And he's more submissive and letting me do what I want before he takes over, so it's a switch."

Hopefully that's good enough, for it not I be edited.

"He doesn't spoil me rotten like my ex. My ex was more intimate and liked going overboard to get pleasure, he was really kinky and would just like to try everything- when I didn't even want to do those things." You try not to evoke any bitterness, but your face shows how much you dislike thinking about sex with Donghyuck. "My boyfriend is very soft, so sex is more like love making, something we're taking slow instead of doing all these kinks and stuff. I don't know if I answered your question," you slightly laugh returning back to normal.

"Your answer was dignified." Chenle charmingly wiggles his brows, however his eyes slightly panic when your eyes go onto your ringing phone.

It's Renjun.

He sent a text.

"Oh man, I can see that you have to go. But one more thing we need you to do for us. On our show, before we close up, we do this thing where we'd call your significant other and maybe ex, just to see if your words were true," He says and quickly adds. "I'm not saying I don't believe you, but for the sake of our viewers who always have opinions and say this is staged and stuff, we let you call your ex-"

"You want me to call my ex?" You ask in confusion the smile dying from your lips just as your eyes leave the message box Renjun sent to peer with deep confusion into Chenle's eyes. "For what? To call, I can call my boyfriend but not my ex. That's crazy."

"Truthfully whenever I put couples in awkward positions where they have to explain a bad experience in their relationship, I feel guilty for letting them reminisce on past relationships. So a way of making up, I try to make the person I'm interviewing make-up or even just leave on peaceful notes."

"I'm not getting it. But despite what you're saying, I'm not gonna call my ex. Why not call my boyfriend instead-"

You're about to call on Renjun's number, but Chenle nervously chuckles quickly placing his hand on your phone sliding it down. "I'm a peaceful guy and don't believe people should have enemies. You know. And since you've started dating his friend after some months, I feel that it wouldn't be a problem to just not leave things on a sour mode between you and your ex."

"This is just a weird turn of events. Uhm, I do believe that if I wanna make up, I can do it on my own terms, not for your viewers." You scratch your head still trying to be polite. It now seems strange how he’s paying more attention to your ex. "And I said it before, but it really feels like this is all in favour of ex's. You're taking sides here. First of all, after breaking up with my ex I spent an entire year by myself. And only started dating my boyfriend 2 months ago, so it's not like I moved on fast. It was a long process of healing... trying to heal and not falling for stupid words again. And secondly, I don't have his number anymore. I wouldn't want to keep it even if we would mysteriously become friends again. Which I doubt. I don't want any form of relationship with him ever again. The only thing, I'd perhaps want from him is an apology, but that's not gonna happen because I don't have his contact details."

Chenle looks to the camera and back at you with an unknown look on his face. "What’s his name?"

“We can find him for you,” Jisung looks from behind the camera, concern in his eyes. Staring at the two boys you sigh. “And if you want a private moment, we can blur out his details for you,”

You're confused. Anger is slow when it's building in you, but you can feel it peeking.

"There's no going back now," You hear Chenle whisper.

Not wanting to argue this pointless argument you let out his name. “His name is Donghyuck. Lee Donghyuck,”

His name leaves your lips, and for some reason, a nervous chill runs down your spine. The mere fact of talking to Donghyuck... No. This can't happen.

Chenle opens up his Instagram searching up the name. While he's searching, your heart beat begins to speed up and fear is wedged in you.

The last time you spoke (barely spoke) to him was on the day of your breakup.

He said a lot of things that tore you from inside.

Words that would wake you from your slumber and make you wonder if really you made the right decision, or sometimes you would look into the mirror and hate yourself because everything he’d say was true.

He'd say you were a coward, worthless, heartless and a big baggage of vulnerabilities.

Already being given everything you wanted from an early age, experiencing love from family and friends, and then hearing all these negatives about yourself from someone you truly fell for, made you realize that truly you're not all roses and pearls. When you took the decision to break up with him and forced yourself to go on with the breakup despite his words, you thought you did something right.

As he left your life, you wanted nothing more except to have him back in your life. Even though it hurt you being with him, there were times when he’d look at you with generous eyes, even though it was a long time ago he did love you.

No one held a gun to his head to make him say those words, from the depths of his heart he knew he loved you.

He was just not in the right state of mind. 

And that's why you feel fear. Because you fear, that he could still be in the wrong state of mind, or worse...in the right state of mind.

Trying to reach out to him right now, feels terrifying because you don’t know what mood he’s in. There’s a chance he might not even care, or he'll hold your name up as the most hated person or maybe he’ll ignore your breath on the call.

You don’t know what it’d be like to speak to him again, to hear his voice, his voice that has only been on repeat in your head. Knowing how you ended things, you only have fear that he’ll answer with so much hate. 

“I don’t really care if you blur it or not, I just want to be given a chance to cut the call if he says anything that I don’t like.” You stand beside Chenle not giving an option of what you'll do. Even though all you want to do is leave.

You can leave. No one is stopping you.

But...you stay.

For a reason of chance.

What will it be like to hear, his voice, Lee Donghyuck's voice again?

Watching Chenle type out the name over his keyboard before a suggestion pops up with the name ‘Haechan’, your eyebrows furrow. 

“Wait,” Chenle shuts his eyes for a moment peeking at Jisung. “Haechan?” Chenle shows the phone to Jisung before he shows it to me. “Is this your ex?”

Looking at the screen into the eyes you once had so much love for, you nearly stumble back in fear. For so long, you’ve only thought of him through the eyes of your memory that you forgot what it’s like to actually look into his eyes. His sharp dark brown eyes stare back at you with so much raw energy. To think, that your heart beats softly instead of furiously when you just look at his picture is what makes you scared. All the times you spent together hits you so hard like an ocean crashing into shore. His smile that provided you with so much hope and peace, his reassuring hold on you that you would never ever find a guy like him, the way he was so soft to you that you allowed him to have all your firsts, his kindness, his tenderly ears that would always listen to you- you press your lips together.

It’s him for sure. Seeing his eyes and his warm gentle yet so sharp features remind you of how much he has grown. He looks much more straightforward then in the past. In the past he always had a smile on his face, but now he's structure seems so confident and strong. You could even say he looks like a fuck boy.

Although he looks so different in the picture, your mind can’t comprehend how you're seeing his face on  a phone screen right now.

No way.

There’s no way that this isn’t planned. "This isn't a coincidence."

If you're seeing his face now, it means that there’s a gateway that’s leading you to... him again.

And you don’t want to walk through that gate. 

First it was that interviewer Mark, then it was Jaemin and then Jeno... now it's these two street interviewers Chenle and Jisung.

No way it's a coincidence.

Something is happening.

“This is planned right?” you ask with uncertainty looking at Chenle. “You guys set me up right?”

“No-”

“Don’t lie to me. There’s no way in hell that after all the time I’ve been away from him that I’m suddenly seeing his face." You instantly feel guarded. "Even my boyfriend doesn't talk or bring him up, so now how come after a year, I'm seeing his face again?"

Chenle remains silent, his lips in a tight seal. His eyes glance to Jisung before Jisung slowly puts the camera down. Chenle sighs out and his face shows one of being caught- it's also on Jisung's face. "Okay hear me out," Chenle starts. "We're not actually YouTubers. We're journalist students yes, and we're also doing research,"

"Research?" Your answer is dead sharp and you don't seem like you're in any mood to entertain them anymore. "You expect me to believe that?"

"It's true," Jisung inputs himself looking down. "We're sorry for lying to you."

"We just wanted to help our friend out. He really wanted to find you,"

"To apologize," Jisung slowly tells.

When Chenle says friend, your heartbeat instantly skips a beat. And when Jisung says to apologize, you know that it's 100% Donghyuck. You don't know how you know it's him, but you know it.

You sigh out.

"I'm done here."

Turning around to leave, not wanting to entertain this any longer, your legs are stilled on the spot, just as your eyes reflect to you a being you've been far from for so long. Your heart freezes just as the tears form beneath your eyes. Just as sharp as his features where on the phone, you can see for yourself that he's gotten more raw.

Dressed in all black looking like a nightmare of a dream you can't help but let your feet step back. "No." You shake your head breathing out with a raspy voice. His eyes, dark brown and remorseful look back at you and he steps forward. "No." You shake your head breathing out when he steps forward again.

He calls your name and that's enough for you to break down in tears which you try to hide. "Please-"

"I said no, I don't want this-" You hold yourself from breaking down but when he's close enough to you and he's about to touch you, you flinch and immediately pull back from his hands. "Donghyuck, I don't want you-" you choke up on your tears shutting your eyes.

"Please..." He whispers again, causing pain across your soul, especially when his arms gently wrap around your frame.

You're resisting, but it's weak.

You can feel your heart beating fast and his warmth and smell sipping into you. You feel dizzy in his grasp that you find yourself melting into him and letting your balled fists rest against his chest as you cry out.

"Donghyuck let me go please," You whisper out. "I don't....You hurt me and you're here. You can't just do that, you can't come back and make me cry again. Donghyuck I hate you so much right now." All this being said as your voice breaks reflecting your tears and pain.

"I know," You hear his voice, calm and tender. 

You can feel it.

You’re falling for him again.

Present time

Sitting across from Donghyuck in the little diner that you two set on to eat, you can’t help but feel so small. His eyes are on you, his two hands nervously and slowly rubbing on each other just hoping that you place your hands on the table again.

But you don't want to. Not after what he said.

The tears try to come to surface, but you force them down. "Donghyuck I'm with someone else." Your eyes don't look up again. "My heart is with someone else."

"I don't believe it. I can't believe it. Because if it were true, you'd be looking into my eyes." Donghyuck's voice is so beautiful and soft. Your ears having a hard time hearing him after such a long time. "I was afraid that you'd tell me you have another. That there's someone else by your side. I was hoping it wouldn't be true because you know Y/n, I love you. I didn't act the way I should've, no, I've caused you pain and I've reflected on it. But I need you. Y/n please look at me."

You shake your head.

"Do you not miss being together with me? Do you not miss my voice? Because I miss yours. I miss listening to you, I miss embracing you and the way you'd do it too whenever I was down. Just once more, please give me a chance. I lost you and I'm a fool for that. I'm sorry, Y/n please I'm sorry,"

That makes your heart yearn. You close your eyes. Not wanting to see him...not wanting his words and face to team up to destroying you.

"I was a fool, and I can't stand it. Please come back to me," Donghyuck begs. "I promise I'm better now. I promise that I'll treat you right. All the time spent without you has only made me realize how much I need you. Please Y/n. I'll never leave you alone again. Please..."

"You've been awfully quiet," Renjun whispers behind you. He leans over the couch trying to get a look at your face. "Your silence is killing me. What's wrong?"

You shake your head with a little smile. "Nothing. I'm just really tired. Today was a long day,"

His lip tugs upwards causing his side dimple to appear. His lips press gently on your cheek and he gets off the couch. "I'll set up the bed for us then,"

"Cool," You mummer watching him walk to the dim hallway watching him disappear. Bringing your phone out, your eyes latch onto the opened message left by a recent contact you saved.

Lee Donghyuck:

Have you decided?

If you give me a chance, I'll make the hurt go away. I promise

"Don't do it."

Your head spins around rapidly to the only other voice in the house with you. Renjun leans by the wall with his head down. Despite him once dressed in his pajamas, he looks like he's about to go out, in his attire. A white short sleeved baggy shirt and his hands wedged in his black sweatpants. He doesn't look up, however you can most likely guess his facial structure just from the tone of his voice. He's upset.

"That man hurt you to the point where you couldn't get up again. He took your smile, your voice and your strength." Renjun finally looks up into your weary eyes filled with tears threatening to spill. "He shattered your confidence and broke you mentally. I'm not saying I healed you, but I'm saying I've seen you smile again, laugh, and have seen you turned into an even better version of yourself. Don't let him break what you've built again."

"Renjun..." You blink lightly, not wanting the tears to slip from your eyes.

"The moment I saw Jeno walk up to you in that park. I knew that Donghyuck was going all in. Trying to sweetly present himself again back into your life." He runs his hand through his hair. "Judging by your silence ever since you came back from your walk, I'm guessing you saw him. He made a whole bunch of promises, saying the right words of change, telling you how much he misses you or that you're better off with him. Am I right?"

Silence. As your head bows down and your thoughts run with the wind. Although you know that what Renjun is saying is true, you seriously can't help but think about the promises Donghyuck made. About how he said he's better now. That he has changed. He's ready to commit to me and...love me.

"I'm going out to the bar."

At that your head snaps up when catching him place a black beanie over his head as he makes his way to the door. "Baby please don't go, please just stay with me... Please don't leave me at this time," Your tears don't even hide themselves as they pour out your eyes. Frantically getting off the couch and running to his side by the door, your body surges into him from the back as you tightly hold onto his body. "If you leave my thoughts won't make sense again."

"And this is why I need to go out." Renjun whispers gently turning around to wrap you in his arms just as you hold onto him tighter. "If I stay, I'll be doing the thinking for you. When in reality," His arms detach from your body causing you a wave of panic. "You already chose him."

You shake your head trying to hold onto his shirt. "Baby, Renjun I didn't-"

"Right, you just need to think about it,"

"That's not true-"

"So what do you need to think about?"

"Just...just...Renjun-'

"Just what?"

"Stop pressuring me." You whine.

"Stop pressuring you?" His eyes narrow in irritation. "I'm going-"

"Renjun don't go-"

"I'm not staying here while you contemplate on how to leave me-"

"Stop saying that!"

"Oh for the love of- Y/n! I gave you everything that I had. I fell in love with you! For hell's sake I love you but now I feel so fucking stupid-"

"No!"

"Just admit it, I was a rebound. I'm a rebound-"

"Renjun it's not true I also love-"

"I was just a fool for allowing myself to fall for you, while you were waiting for him to fucking be better-"

"Renjun-"

"You know where to find me-"

"Stop-"

"Do you love me!?"

"N-Yes!"

"Do you love him!?"

"Y-No! Renjun stop!"

"Let me go Y/n-"

"Renjun please-"

"Y/n!" Renjun snaps. He pants out groaning out when seeing your blotched crying face. He sighs running his hand over his face before removing his cap and placing it in his pocket. He bends down a bit while holding onto your arms. "I'm sorry for yelling. I'm sorry."

"Renj-"

"But please." He shuts his eyes. "If I stay here any longer I'll end up making you leave me faster-"

"Babe-"

"I'll be back. I promise."

"Please don't go." You grip his shirt. "Babe, if go, you won't come back sober."

"That's the point."

You let your eyes do the talking hoping he won't go. But what you fail to see, is his own broken eyes. But he lets go of your arms placing his beanie over his head.

"Call me if you need me."

Once the door closes, you spend about a minute staring at it. Your trance is broken when your phone rings. You sigh out knowing who it is.

And once you pick up your phone reading the contact name, you place the phone over your ear.

"Hey," He greets.

"Now's not a great time-"

"Do you still love me? Because I want you to know that, I never meant to leave you hurting,"

You sigh out. You've been through a lot with Donghyuck. It was sweet in the beginning before it turned bitter. And as bitter as it got, you couldn't stand what was in your mouth anymore and your throw up. You've learnt how to heal with Renjun. He helped you as you embarked on the journey to heal yourself, while you healed- your heart found the impossible to be possible as you fell in love again.

Today's interview made you see that. That despite all that you went through with Donghyuck, if you turn over a new page, you can hopefully have a better healing relationship. However, the person who's helped you heal asked for nothing from you except that you take your time to heal.

Not even cutting the call, you quickly run (and with your bare feet) you pull open the door and run outside. "Donghyuck I'm sorry, but right now is not the time,"

"Y/n-"

You shake your head leaping with your toes as you move forward along the night lit sidewalk. "Donghyuck please. Not now."

You drop the call, carefully trudging along the sidewalk and avoiding any passing cars and you cross the street. Usually the bar was a ten minute drive, but on foot, and by shortcut it took about five minutes. You're panting and gasping for air by the time you cross the road to where the bar is. You're stunned that as you appear, Renjun's car is already there. You notice his stiletto shadow still in the car and you smile. Getting close to the car, you waste no time in approaching and hoping that he'll be able to listen to you.

He's laid back on his seat with his eyes closed.

Carefully, you knock twice on the window and he opens his eyes. He's confused when seeing you, but doesn't say anything. He opens up his door stepping out. Letting his hands go deep in his pocket he looks into your eyes.

For him, you were a friend in need of saving. He never intended on letting his heart do the saving, he stupidly just followed and hoped he wouldn't get wrapped up in his own feelings. From the moment he invited you to his house, to the moment he showed his hospitality, he always knew that you'd leave him.

So not even letting you speak, his hands cup your face as his thumb circles your cheek before he meekly dives in and engulfs your lips in his own. Giving you one last kiss.

"Wanna drink?"

"Renjun..."

"Please.."

You sigh, deciding to follow him inside. Luckily for you, he squats for you to get on his back so that he can carry you inside. Once inside the warm bar, Renjun sets you down ordering a row of shots. Taking a seat by the bar on the rolling chair, you can't help but frown at his choice of drink and how much he seems he's going to drink.

Before the drink comes, you both sit in silence letting the jazz music play in the background. Your thoughts are blank as you simply fix your eyes on his empty eyes.

“He’s not perfect." He speaks, as soon as the bartender sets the drinks down. "You aren’t either."

"Renjun.."

"And... and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can."

"Wait Renjun, you're not making sense,"

"I'm making perfect sense. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he isn't going to be thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break." He sighs. "He has changed. I'm a witness to it. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had."

"Renjun, I want you,"

"I know. I want you too. But, perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you."

"You're perfect for me,"

Taking one drink, gulping it down in one go, he sets the empty drink down and drinks another before shaking his head. "Is it okay..." he holds the drink in his hand, twirling the liquid, not looking at me as his eyes get glossy. "Is it okay of we let time tell? If he's not the one, then you know where to find me."

You're at a loss for words when he waits for your answer for a while, before drinking his drink down and taking another shot glass and another and another. Before he orders another set. You simply sit. With a heavy heart. Your phone vibrating in your hand and your feet bare.

You're sure there are tears in your eyes when looking at how devastated Renjun is. You want to feel as though you've got your emotions under check and that your heart is not pining for him- yet the depth of your eyes reveal your hearts longing for the being sitting and drowning his drink like a madman. You remember a time when you would always feel flattered, gushed over him and feel so much love radiating out of him. However now, you don't know how to feel. You're scared for certain. But you aren't scared of him, you're scared of your feelings towards him, and how it seems as though he's lost hope. Lost hope in you and what your relationship is. Why is it, that those sweet memories of your past together are turning dim? Why is it, that he's not holding your hand right now trying to assure you that nothing will happen? Why is he drinking after laying an uncertain break up with you? Why is it, that after an hour of drinking, his hands that are playing with yours makes you feel warm? Why is it, that your new uncertain ex boyfriend Huang Renjun is sitting beside you and your heart is breaking?

And why is it, that you feel like you've left him hurting?