#letterstomycousin

[ladycagebird]

New Moon: new what?!

Yo! Today is one year to the moment my life changed in ways I couldn't have predicted, nor would I have wanted to predict, honestly. I didn't know everything was gonna change 365 days ago.

I have a bit of a cold and I've been trying to distract myself from thinking too much, but I dunno man. I love thinking, so maybe this is a double-edged knife thing that I was made to sharpen and practice daily. Carrying such a weapon, I wish for the courage and bravery to wield it wisely, but such beliefs run short in my fam. The more I wanna be brave and courageous, the less of it I see in the people in my life. Fear and worry consumes those I encounter on a daily basis, and it shows through their anxiety, gastritis, dizziness, body pains, and the like. I can't feel what they're feeling physically, but sometimes I think I can see the pain coming from their eyes, the secret they keep to themselves during the day and recall at night, the thoughts that trips the wire in their brain, making their bodies think it's either 'fight or flight', upsetting the delicate balance of their immune system. If I sound sort of vague it's because I don't want to point accusing fingers at others, as I'm trying not to judge myself 24/7.

At this point my legal name means little to me, other than my past, but my present is not really mines either. I live every day with the somber shrine of what used to be me, instead of what I am. I tried being a soft creature, and I got squashed. I tried being 'tough, so hard', yet I bent & broke, so what's it gonna be, man? I mean, at first, pressure and pain was fine and worth it, and then things escalated (de-escalated?) pretty quickly, and now I sit in relative stillness every day, hoping that from nothing, something will crack out and make sense of things. "Maybe if I don't dream of going to Japan (or anywhere else), I will never be crushed with the disappointment of reality." "Maybe if I stop trying to look for a way to make money on my own then maybe, just maybe, I can stay completely still and not feel like a fucking failure."So far, I have bought a 1000-piece puzzle of a calm landscape to try and slow time down while I listen to podcasts. Comedy and the Universe are mostly what I am listening to these days, if you're interested to know.

Questions Section

How do air and water feel sliding around their space without having to even try to make its presence known to others, melting into everything it touches, feeling into the emotions that we earth people try to cover up with the thickest of our soil? How does fire not burn itself out from the intense nature contained in its volatile soul? How can I move if my feet are stuck in the soft, stable soil made to keep me safe and grounded? My feet may be treading the leaves in my forest, but my head is in the clouds, looking at the stars and wishing air would come meet me and take me on a ride beyond what pebbles and stones only speak of. Fire cannot kill me for good, air cannot move me, and water can only hope to make a road through which it can cross to the other side of my reign. What are the chances of electricity in a crowded ecosystem?

Man, this has been a long one ^_^”

Ta, dear cuz.

P.S.

On a related note, this was a lovely read: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/03/she-is-a-wild-card-the-omega-female/

[mydearfrances143-blog]

My dear Frances...

August 16, 1995 at 9:15am, I was born in Sisli, Istanbul. Grew up in the city I was born in with an amazing yet kind of tumultuous family. The choices they made for me as a child inspired me to be who I am, who I am trying to be. Once I started going in my direction, the one that felt right I found myself in New York City, first in 9th grade, and then for college. My heart belonged here just like the millions of other people that migrate here. 

On August 16, 2015 at 9:13am, you, my dear Frances, were born in Dallas, TX. I don’t yet know where you’ll grow up but I know you have an amazing family, because you are my little cousin, the one that shares my birthday. I could not be any more glad to have you in my life as you’ve inspired so much in my life just because you came in to the messed up world we live in. 

I had lost my way, Frances, I didn’t know where to go and how to find it. I’m still looking and stumbling along the way. You coming into my life, however, has made me realise I can save you some of the trouble and share my experience as a lost 20 year old in this world. I will keep writing for the next 20 years, of where I go, what I feel, types of people I meet, lists, recipes, etc. anything that I find that will be useful in your 20s and later.

I’m definitely not the best writer, or the best person to give you advice but i’ll try my best to communicate my experience and feelings. This will get personal and possibly heavy. 

You’ll forever be my little one baby Frances <3 

Zeynep