#like a lot of butches feel like theyre not living up to cishet masculinity

[cruelsister-moved2]

ive a post about this somewhere but i feel like people need to understand that the reason butch and femme are binary isnt JUST to do with the fact that theyre specific interpersonal roles but also like they have to be binary to actually be free. like there’s no one way to ‘look’ butch or femme - i know you guys are very very into the pink fluffy full face of makeup hyperfeminine high heeled look but a lot of our presentation is actually very subtle. often times you look at a picture of a femme from the past and the only reason you know they’re femme is that they aren’t butch. in a world that pushes hyperfemininity on women and constantly makes us feel like we aren’t feminine enough (and the solution is to buy more things) (and our standards of femininity are biased in favour of thin, cis, white, abled people) femme identity can be about finding your femininity in jeans and a t-shirt, through your position in relation to butch women.

you cannot turn this into a ranking system and think that it’s progressive. you cannot be more or less femme, you’re just either femme or you’re not. femmes can be gnc! wearing practical, comfy clothes is literally more femme than wearing shein. you have to recognise how challenging it is to separate femininity from discomfort and consumption, and when i see someone who extensively performs femininity call themselves futch because they don’t shave their legs or they have short hair, I’m not seeing some kind of progressive meta-androgyny I’m just seeing the grasping claws of compulsory femininity telling everyone in my community that we have to work harder to be feminine ENOUGH or masculine ENOUGH

[spoiled-truth]

I have had the same gender label dilhema, and have come to the conclusion, that I'm not confused by who I am. I'm confused by why society puts so much stress on identifying gender. For some, labels help them see themselves more clearly, but I'm content to just be me. People always wonder about being something theyre not, about what its like to live a different way. That doesnt strictly mean you *want* to be seen that way forever. I think, if you want a label, maybe genderfluid would help?

Wow, that’s some insight. And I think you’re absolutely right.

I think there’s a lot of pressure on trying to categorize people as LGBTQ or not and has, in some ways, created more division than inclusion.

Example: only girls can like girly things if you’re a girl and boys can only like boy things if they’re a boy if they are cis and don’t have any LGBTQ labels. If you’re a boy that likes more feminine things, you’re automatically trans and gay. If you’re a girl that’s into more masculine things, you’re automatically a butch lesbian or trans.

One popular way we see this harmful stereotyping among the community is trans theories. Not all trans theories are harmful and incorrect, don’t get me wrong, but I have seen more trans theories that are incorrect and harmful in being so as opposed to having legit evidence that makes sense.

Take the Marco is Trans theory, for example. It’s all built upon the idea that he presents himself feminine/female at times and enjoys feminine things. (Princess Turdina for example). It sets this awful standard that if you’re a boy that’s into feminine things or a girl that’s into masculine things, you *must* be trans, and that’s simply not the case.

I think that my gender identity is a journey that will take a while. I’m only 16, I have plenty of time to figure myself out. Hell, it took me 16 years to come to the conclusion that I’m bi, so why not take another 16 years to find out my gender identity?

However, that’s not to say that I can just brush this all off. I will still have nights where I stay up thinking about what it must be like to put on a binder and how nice it must feel. I will still have days where I sit in the shower and think, “am I really a woman?”

I really do think our society puts pressure on us to have a gender identity and to stick to it, don’t think about it or else you’ll confuse all of us. That’s simply not the case in any way, shape, or form.

From the way I see things, I think the community is going through this phase where they wanna label shit everywhere. This character is gay, this character is trans, this character is nonbinary, NO CHARACTER MUST BE CISHET!!! And I get it, I really do. But sometimes it goes way too far. We all have our LGBTQ headcanons and ideas but when we take that mindset and apply it to actual people and pressure them into having a label, it can be very harmful.

Thank you for sending this ask in, it really has helped me stop, take a breath, and realize that I don’t have to have a label by tomorrow. 

And I would like to let you all know that too.

You don’t have to have a label any time soon. Take as long as you need to find out your gender and/or orientation identity.

And it’s also okay to hop around identities too.

I know I most certainly had many phases I went through. I think this community hates the concept of phases and has this mindset that once you have an identity, you must stick to it. You’re not allowed to change it.

For me, I thought I was lesbian, then aro/ace, then demi, straight, and now I know I’m bi. But even now I still question if I’m bi or maybe pan. For now, however, I’m comfortable with identifying as bi and if I realize I’m pan then I’ll be pan, but that’s for the future me to decide.

TLDR: blueeyedangel is absolutely right and I think we must stop this mindset of having to have a label right away. It’s completely okay to switch identities along your journey of self-discovery and it’s okay to think about it for a while and not give yourself a label right away.