#like damn if you guys will let me chill in your awesome tower ill play as many card games as u want

[funshinebf]

love those days when i wake up only to immediately go "nah im going right back to sleep after i let lucy out" cause well. im fucking sleepy

[nickireadstfc]

The Raven King, Chapter 15 – Take A Chill Pill, Your Highness

In which the Ravens display levels of Extra previously unbeknownst to man, I have a fit over Actual Biological Dadmack, Jean Valjean is immortalized in meme, and I generally don’t take the Ravens very seriously – until I suddenly take them very, very seriously.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Raven King.

Y’all ready for a fun festive chapter filled with tinsel, merry goodwill and all of that shit?

Because that is exactly not what we are having today.

Instead, our boy Neil is on a (potentially one-way) trip to Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom.

FUN FUCKING TIMES AHEAD.

STRAP YOURSELVES IN.

           There was no way he could tell [the Foxes] the truth. None of them would let him go through with it.

Ya, guess why – cause it’s a dumb fucking idea, Josten.

No, no, I’m being unfair, I get it. I get why he’s doing it, and you know what? I’m not even judging him for doing it. My unhealthily loyal ass would probably do the same.

Neil tricks the Fox squad into letting him go to Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom by telling them he is instead going to Angsty and Only Slightly Scary Land of Family Drama – which the Foxes buy, of course, as they all want to see Neil happily united with his family.

As do I, except I know that leaving Fox Tower puts Neil in the opposite direction of his family.

Brb crying softly.

           [Neil] had it half-packed when he realized the bag was too small. (…) Even when his bag was full there were things in his drawers. Neil was at once confused and heartened, and he pressed a hand to his folded shirts. It was proof he was coming back, something he hadn’t had since he was a child.

BRB WAILING LOUDLY.

Neil :((((( my boy :(((((( lifelong runaway :((((((((( has found a home to come back to :((((((((((((((

I’m fine, there’s just a bit of fox family feels in my eye.

           “I’m coming back,” Neil said, more for his sake than Kevin’s. “You promised you’d finish this year with me. I’m holding you to that.”

:((((((((((((((((((((((((((

You better come back, Josten. In one piece, healthy and with ya boy Andrew in tow, holding hands preferably. YOU BETTER.

           He’d been raised to run, to sacrifice everything and everyone to ensure his own survival. His mother had never gives him ground to stand on. Maybe that was why he hadn’t been strong enough to save her in the end. A jumble of lies had nothing to fight for.

           But Neil was a Fox. Andrew called this home; Nicky called him family. Neil wasn’t going to lose any of it.

Ya girl’s gotta have her holiday appropriate reaction GIFs.

And with that, our favourite sassy (and recently self-sacrificing) angstbag leaves for West Virginia.

           Jean was waiting for him in arrivals. (…) “You shouldn’t have come here.”

When even the Fucker™’s lieutenant knows you fucked up, then you really fucked up.

Jean Valjean and Neil leave for Edgar Allan, and upon arriving Neil finds that not only do the Ravens all own the exact same uniforms, formal wear, and bitchy facial expressions, they also have matching squad cars. With like, customized licence plates and stuff, for extra Extra-ness.

           “This isn’t a team,” Neil said. “It’s a cult.”

And little did I fucking know, this was going to be the spot-on summary for everything that followed in the next couple of pages.

The Ravens take “squad goals” to a whole another level – meaning a level no sane human would ever fucking want to get on.

Everything is black – from their walls to their furniture to their sheets to their towels. Heck, to their fucking team underwear, probably.

Evil and Scary Raven Land of Doom? Scratch that. Extra and Dramatic Raven Land of Trying Too Hard, more like.

Even their fucking hallway is on brand.

           Everything was painted black, the pnly light and color was a red tube of light down the middle of the ceiling. It wasn’t quite bright enough. When Jean slammed the door behind them Neil almost tripped down the stairs.

Okay, but how do they not trip down there all the time. My clumsy ass would have gotten more bruises from that staircase alone than from actual Exy games.

You know you’re in Extra and Dramatic Raven Land of Trying Too Hard when even the staircase is bootcamp.

But seriously: Living surrounded by so much black, always subterranean except for class or away games, essentially locked up with a bunch of people who form a military hive mind, but no real friendships?

You can bet your ass all Ravens walk out of there with a nice little cocktail of mental health issues.

And oh, look – Riko’s got his ones already.

           It gave Neil chills to see [Kevin’s] space preserved like this. It was like Kevin had gone out on an errand, not that he’d transferred to another team entirely.

           “Riko’s in denial,” Neil said. “Someone should tell him Kevin isn’t coming back.”

Nice to see that our boy Josten doesn’t plan to shut his too-sassy mouth any time soon.

I mean, it would generally be exponentially better for his general survival, but what a dull chapter that would be.

Immediately after his arrival, Neil is shown to the stadium, and while that is impressive and all, the fuckery starts once again when he his shown to his jersey – and yes, his jersey.

Apparently, expecting his – ahem – “transfer” in summer, the Ravens had him a full gear made, name on the back and all that jazz.

“That jazz” here being things like selling his soul and at least 1 1/2 kidneys to the god of Extra, probably.

HOW ARROGANT ARE THESE PEOPLE, Jesus fucking Christ.

However, when Neil disrespects the Holy Raven Uniform, things starts to get interesting:

           “Ravens operate on a pair-based system, which means from now on until you leave I am the only ally you have. My success is your success,” Jean said. “Your failure is my failure. (…) Do you understand? They want us to fail. They want to take starting line-up from me.”

Holy hell.

Things just got massively, massively interesting.

First of all: WHAT THE FUCK. What sort of twisted attempt at companionship is this, forcing people to depend on each other – and only each other, mind, as the Ravens are forbidding from having friends outside the team.

Second of all: Well, well, well. Apparently, Neil is not the only one who has something to lose. As far as I can tell, Jean Valjean’s future is in Neil’s hands.

Bread guy, what did you do to make Coach Fucker™ so mad at you?

Whatever it is – Neil is now expected to play with the Ravens, of course. And hopefully not die, that would be spleen-fucking-did.

           “The master is moving you to defense where you belong. He will want to know why you abandoned your position. I hope you have a good explanation for him.”

Seriously, can they like… chill on the whole master thing?

I know it’s supposed to be scary and intimidating, but honestly, it just makes them downright ridiculous.

I don’t even know if that’s on purpose. I hope it is, but if this is seriously supposed to be intimidating, that is some bad fucking writing. Sorry, but also not sorry.

Jean Valjean blabs on some more about the master and belonging to the Fucker Family™ and bla, bla, bla – and just as I was about to get seriously annoyed by it, he nonchalantly drops the single greatest bit of information in this chapter.

           “Kevin is not like us; he is valuable but he is not property in the same sense. He escaped because he had family to run to.”

           “Andrew?” Neil guessed.

           “I said family, you hard-of-hearing imbecile,” Jean said. “His father. Your coach.”

WHAT

WHAT IN THE FUCKING WHAT

W Y M A C K???????????

KEVIN’S D A D??????????¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿???????

I had to put the book down and just straight up YELL for a second.

ACTUAL FOX DAD WYMACK.

LIKE, ACTUAL ACTUAL BIOLOGICAL FUCKING DAD WYMACK.

DADMACK.

Y’all knew this and kept quiet about this, I am so proud.

Also DADMACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

           “If you don’t believe me, look for yourself. The last time I saw his mother’s letter it was tucked inside one of those broing book of his. He’s read it so many times he might have worn the words off the pages by now, but it’s worth a shot.”

The mental image of angsty teen Kevin poring over this letter that’s promising him a family beyond the cruel black walls of this abuser’s prison, reading it so many times the paper almost falls apart, tear stains etched onto the pages, is doing things to me.

YOU GUYS, I’M HAVING FEELINGS.

Ahem. All good, all good.

On with the program.

           “You’re all insane,” Neil said.

           “Says the runaway who joined a Class I team,” Jean said. “Says the man who came here today when he should have run. You are no better than the rest of us.”

……Damn, bread boy. Jean Valjean here has got a point, y’all.

Neil, stunned by that unexpected Too Real shade, even manages to put on his uniform.

           “I can’t even keep my ten?” Neil asked.

           “(…) This number suits you better. Did you know? In Japanese, ‘four’ and ‘death’ sound the same. It is only appropriate that the Butcher’s son should wear this number.”

Also, of course, he is fourth in line after Riko, Kevin and Jean, and together they naturally for the Raven’s Awesome Exy Dream Team that is Definitely Happening.

Dream the fuck on, drama boys.

(A tiny voice on the back of my mind is reminding me that I have seen Neil wear a small ‘4’ tattooed on his cheekbone in countless fanarts and cosplays.)

(A tiny voice is getting swiftly ignored.)

Neil has to strip in front of Jean Valjean in order to test his uniform, over which he is surprisingly not angsting out as much as I thought he would. Character Development Josten strikes again, y’all.

And just as I was beginning to wonder when the actually bad shit would happen – here comes the fuckery.

           Neil looked back to see Tetsuji and Riko in the doorway. Tetsuji had brought an ornate walking cane with him. Neil had never seen him with it before and hope that meant Tetsuji was suffering some sort of injury or illness.

That Fucker, Senior™ embraces the traditional Dramatic and Slightly Disturbing Moriyama fashion and orders our boy Josten to kneel.

Neil, of course, embraces the traditional Hilarious, Yet Suicidal Josten fashion and sasses himself straight in his own grave.

           “You will kneel,” Tetsuji said.

           Neil had a feeling he was going to regret this for the rest of his very short life, but he smiled and said, “Make me.”

Neil, sweetie, I love you so much, but in your own self-interest please learn to shut the fuck up.

           He saw the cane come up, but it was too fast for him to dodge. (…) Tetsuji didn’t stop beating him until he finally passed out.

What the fuck, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS FUCKER SENIOR. WHY.

WAS THIS NECESSARY.

The answer is: In Moriyama world, yes.

And not enough with that – freshly woken up from his pain-induced power nap, Neil is expected to play.

As in, play Exy.

As in, play Exy in a position he hasn’t played in forever, with a team literal leagues above him, with a physical state that should be in a hospital, not on a court.

Oh, also Riko hits him every time he comes near him, which is all the fucking time.

So, you know. FUN TIMES ALL AROUND.

           Every time Neil fell, though, Jean was there to pull him off the ground. (…) They were in this together, just like Jean warned Neil. Every time the other team scored they were both punished.

I’d love to thank Jean for doing this and for being kind of the only person Neil has in this hellhole of a temporary home, except we know Jean is not doing this because he’s such a nice fucking person, but because he got assigned to do it. And by “assigned” I mean “threatened into doing it”.

Still, this sets the stage for Jean potentially becoming a likeable character in the future, and I’m excited to see what comes of this angry French baguette.

           “You ignorant child. This is the Raven’s Nest. We go by our time, not yours. We run on sixteen-hour days. You’ll see.”

wE gO bY oUr TiMe, NoT yOuRs, wE rUn oN sIxTeEn-HoUr DaYs

ARE YOU FOR REAL

WHAT LEVEL OF ARROGANT AND EXTRA

I am so fucking done.

Except, I’m not – I wish I was, because that would have made the next bit a bit more bearable.

Here goes the one actually scary part of this chapter.

           Riko sat sideways on the mattress besides Neil. He looked at Neil like he was imagining skinning Neil alive and feeding Neil the bloody scraps. His expression said he was getting off on the fantasy.

HELL FUCKING NOPE.

           “I am going to love hurting you,” Riko said, “like I loved hurting Kevin.”

           “You are one seriously fucked-up individual,” Neil said.

Neil, sweetie, do you remember that part about possibly shutting the fuck up.

They tie Neil to the bed. Awesome. As if I didn’t have enough horrible mental images from this series that involve people gripping headboards.

Also, did I mention the part where Riko has a fucking switchblade.

           “Who is your King, Nathaniel?” Riko asked.

           Neil spat in his face.

There’s a cool lil list of Things You Could Have Possibly Done In That Situation, and this is not fucking on it.

Of course, Riko now lets Neil make the questionable acquaintance of his knife – which is to say, he almost fucking guts him.

What the fuck. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.

Neil, I love you, and I appreciate your sass in all its forms, but this has just become 50 Shades Of Fucked Up just now.

Phew.

Dreaded Christmas chapter done.

Surprisingly, though – this chapter did not shock me as much as I thought it would. I went in this expecting the Absolute Worst, and though it did hit me pretty hard I was kinda… prepared, I guess? Thanksgiving was definitely much, much worse.

Which does not mean I am not still going ‘WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK’ in a continuous loop in my head.

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