#like even 8 years later i still an as tense as a steel cable whenever i have sex with someone for the first time

[kath-artic]

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was in such a crazy bad panic last night like on the verge of puking waking up in a cold sweat every 10 seconds for multiple reasons but one of the big ones was i dreamt that all the horrible things my friend had said to me--all the things i pretty easily handwaved because i knew they were all said with the intention to hurt me rather than with the intention of being truthful--were said by him instead and THAT made me start to question if they were true. because he would have no reason to bring me down in those ways. and i woke up crying at the thought i may never be important to anyone in the way i want to be and was additionally upset that any part of my mind would use his likeness to self sabotage. like it feels so mean to imagine someone who has been nothing but kind as anything but that. and admittedly he was kinda distant this weekend (because allergies were kicking his ass and he just was not running on much physical or mental energy) and i was sitting there mentally doing damage control while my body reacted as if i was continuing to spiral. it just felt so stupid sitting there thinking "none of this is real and also even if him being distant this weekend DID mean something it's not like i wouldn't be mostly fine lol" while trembling uncontrollably. anyway this morning he was so sweet to me (esp after i mentioned i couldn't sleep bc my nerves were going crazy over everything with my friend) and when he dropped me off for the train he hugged me so tight and kissed me and said he was sorry he'd been so distant (i didn't mention my dream to him and i also wasn't actually bothered by him being distant in any real way so i didnt mention it either, he did this of his own accord) and looked like he might cry and idk man it just gripped my heart in such a way. i thanked him for always being so sweet to me and theres no way he can know just how much i mean that. i hate that any part of me is suspicious of his kindness and i resent the fact that these recent experiences are causing a kneejerk reaction of distrust that i cannot physically quell. at my core i try to always be trusting of other people's intentions and it sickens me that this is impacting my ability to be that way.