#the physical reactions though? havent figured out how to control those

[kath-artic]

.

was in such a crazy bad panic last night like on the verge of puking waking up in a cold sweat every 10 seconds for multiple reasons but one of the big ones was i dreamt that all the horrible things my friend had said to me--all the things i pretty easily handwaved because i knew they were all said with the intention to hurt me rather than with the intention of being truthful--were said by him instead and THAT made me start to question if they were true. because he would have no reason to bring me down in those ways. and i woke up crying at the thought i may never be important to anyone in the way i want to be and was additionally upset that any part of my mind would use his likeness to self sabotage. like it feels so mean to imagine someone who has been nothing but kind as anything but that. and admittedly he was kinda distant this weekend (because allergies were kicking his ass and he just was not running on much physical or mental energy) and i was sitting there mentally doing damage control while my body reacted as if i was continuing to spiral. it just felt so stupid sitting there thinking "none of this is real and also even if him being distant this weekend DID mean something it's not like i wouldn't be mostly fine lol" while trembling uncontrollably. anyway this morning he was so sweet to me (esp after i mentioned i couldn't sleep bc my nerves were going crazy over everything with my friend) and when he dropped me off for the train he hugged me so tight and kissed me and said he was sorry he'd been so distant (i didn't mention my dream to him and i also wasn't actually bothered by him being distant in any real way so i didnt mention it either, he did this of his own accord) and looked like he might cry and idk man it just gripped my heart in such a way. i thanked him for always being so sweet to me and theres no way he can know just how much i mean that. i hate that any part of me is suspicious of his kindness and i resent the fact that these recent experiences are causing a kneejerk reaction of distrust that i cannot physically quell. at my core i try to always be trusting of other people's intentions and it sickens me that this is impacting my ability to be that way.

[hungwy]

@ the 2 long fr ask v sorry anon u better read this cuz i typed a lot for u...

full ask:

full disclosure im not really sure where im going with this but i read your wall of text and i’m really curious about your worldbuilding frm a (supposedly, rip) writer perspective !!

you said that you were interested in gods that were more abstract and less anthropomorphic, so perhaps you could expand on that? it sounds like a fascinating concept because often people relate gods to humans somehow (either as all-powerful deities that somehow are capable of human-like reasoning and motivations, deities that can be Understood to a degree by regular human beings, or as concepts that people are already familiar with aka Personified Concept Of Justice or w.e), so it could be interesting to see an exploration of how human beings would relate to supernatural forces they’re not equipped to understand, whose motives and abilities are entirely outside of the scope of current human ideas about the world—humans seem to have a natural tendency to generalize and categorize things down into something they can grasp and work with, so culture evolving around trying to figure out a way to model the world in light of that could naturally breed the divergence between human ideas & Truth About Deities you mentioned.

if you think about it, a lot of things even in our “plain” universe that seemingly obeys scientific laws we’re systematically working on discovering can be pretty awe-inspiring in nature, right?? so many things are so far beyond general understanding that to the uninitiated, they can be pretty close to magic, even if there are ways to dig deeper into them and understand them more (or whatever we consider to be “understanding”). so it’s possible that in your universe the fundamenal forces governing things could be just. different? on a really core level, which naturally sends humans scrambling to make some kind of sense of things. i mean, we already kind of do, with religious explanations stepping in, so perhaps that would be more dramatic in a world where the unknowable is even more fucked and unperceivable to your human societies.

naturally, that might give more power to religion than science, if people have practical experiences that their “science” cannot explain well (maybe because it’s beyond human logic in the first place) & that religion seems to provide some kind of answer for. it might also keep the mysticism; religious belief might require some degree of dedication, which might be a risk in itself if you’re an average person playing with forces no one can properly explain yet. organized science might be struggling to catch up and maintain credibility; but at the core, it could also be that there’s nothing particularly unscientific about the source of what is perceived as magic/“gods”—just that the barrier to perceiving them in a logical and systematical manner with no spiritual aspect to it could be a lot higher, which then tempts people to go with the most accessible explanations. (again, made more tempting if your magic is powerful enough to represent some kind of real danger—framed as “displeasing the gods” or w.e, maybe—or to provide some highly desired abilities, even if their source is misunderstood by human beings thru misframing the entire concept.)

long messy rant aside, very very curious to know more about your ideas !!! do you intend magic to be some kind of old-as-time concept that human beings are slowly developing a relationship with/a deeper understanding of over the ages, where they develop their (possibly flawed) understanding of gods as well?? or is their understanding catalyzed by some specific event, presumably an interaction by said gods with society? do these “gods” have any perception of human society? pls share more if you are inclined to !! :>

(sorry if the rant was overstepping ahh i really got carried away didn’t i)

id like to preface this with i havent slept. PLEASE ask me clarifying questions

i think from a cultural perspective it would make sense for humans to anthropomorphize higher powers in order to relate to it better. even further i think (though i haven't really fleshed out the actual capabilities and motives of gods) gods would have the ability to appear to us as human or human-like. in this essay i typed completely without planning i will construct how.

i first have to consider the form or forms of divinity and how that relates to my -- ideally -- material universe. should i incorporate gods and magic as material phenomena that are observably composed of matter and energy -- or reactions of some sort of transcendent immaterial reality beyond normal human sense and reason? im sort of leaning towards that more spiritual reality. choosing that means id have to explain how incomprehensible, unknowable forces work and interact with comprehensible, study-able forces, which frankly is a lot more complex than just tossing in someone like Zeus.

so the question basically being asked is how does this divine force come to create our world? id basically have to create a whole metaphysical system. maybe i could give credence to panpsychism and say everything has sentience and subjective experience, and some vague actuation by this transcendental force began our universe. this Transcendence that shifts with eternal (but cyclical) change produces some sort of transcendental force which "peaks" as consciousness/sentience/experience (that panpsychism). (the "troughs" of this force are what we'd call other dimensions or planes, and this is where i plan for gods to reside) anyway, this consciousness is our fundamental “thing”, our atom, our quark, our light, whatever; consciousness itself IS the physical world. the shifting of this force means that our universe, too, is in constant (but cyclical) change, and has a regularity that comes with extending from one entity that allows the universe to be systematic and wholly not chaotic. im tempted here to say the Transcendence naturally promotes a balance of consciousness (= material reality) by interfering with those peaks of material reality. now im not claiming to understand the mechanisms of transcendent immaterial reality but certainly i should be able to claim that this universe is a closed system in which exchanges of transcendent force are allowed but exchanges of matter and energy (as we understand them) aren't.

we still have the problem of how we create an entity like a god, and magical forces. Remember that the transcendental force has both peaks and troughs of consciousness and therefore material reality.  Through this dualism of peak and trough (though not really a dualism… ive equated this force to a wave which means that there is GRADUAL change) I can now create two opposing realities: our universe and the antiuniverse. im basically just going to say that the realization of consciousness in the antiuniverse comes in the form of magic (=energy) and gods (=matter). just as with our universe, once you get down far enough the difference between magic/energy and gods/matter isn’t really apparent. it’s all really just a spectrum. Anyway. heres the big big big part: the troughs and peaks connect due to the nature of a wave being gradual. Our world affects theirs, theirs ours, etc. albeit not a whole lot for reasons I don’t care to think about. Matter and energy can travel into the antiuniverse and interact with magic and gods and vice-versa.

SO just gonna throw in here that like humans and rocks some gods will have more animacy than others (more magic) and will be able to purposefully and willfully travel into our universe. when they manifest they must cause some kind of eldritch psychological terror because they are a completely different realization of matter which frankly is probably impossible to comprehend. but more animate gods (more animate than humans) would be able to “correct” their forms into recognizable entities with magic, as id believe if humanity were to transcend their animacy they could rearrange their forms with energy. I think from here we can relatively easily extrapolate what gods are, provide them conscious motivations, create a hierarchy of gods and lesser supernatural entities, explain divine interference, etc etc etc. if you have any questions i can make up more answers!

NOW I can get to your points! youre indeed right that this could be “an exploration of how human beings would relate to supernatural forces they’re not equipped to understand, whose motives and abilities are entirely outside of the scope of current human ideas about the world”. in fact thats exactly underlies what religion will be about. humans wont be aware of another world at all except for a few souls who learned this secret knowledge. humans wont understand theres a massive rift between the strange occurrences that belong to our world and the even stranger occurrences invading it from the antiuniverse. everything is just sort of conflated to gods, ghosts, spirits, monsters. their experience with the physics of magic means that only gods in control of magic can really bestow any magical control to humanity (though id argue everything with consciousness has innate magical potential to some extent).  but here gods could actually be what is the equivalent to displeasement, the unsatisfaction of their intents, the disruption of their motives, etc, and have destructive reactions towards it, just as they can be pleased, satisfied, and complete (though these would just be approximations using human emotion).

[expert-de-couteau]

drabble thing

    "I'm done." Kali had lived long enough under the control of her 'boyfriend' Elijah. His constant physical and psychological harassment had done a number on her self esteem, and it was only with her 'big brother's' help that she was ready to stand up to the man.     Despite how confident she looked at that point, Kali was terrified. She knew the older male had one hell of a temper when things didn't go his way. That was why she had put this off for so long.     It was his level of calmness at her statement that should have given the first red flag.     "Yeah, I kind of expected that. You don't listen to me nearly as much as you used to, sweetheart. In fact, I'd go as far to say that you go out of your way to disobey me like a real bitch." The words felt like needles pricking into her skin. His insults always did- but really? That was how he kept his grasp on people. He made them feel so completely special to the point where one practically grew addicted to his praise, and then tore down their heightened ego until they became an obedient shell of their former self.     That was not going to happen to her. Kali wouldn't allow it.

    He left the room immedietly afterwards. They both had to attend their next lessons for the day. Maybe that was why he had stayed calm? Was it just that he had to focus on preparing for his next lesson? While it was unlikely, Kali couldn't think of any other reason that would have fueled that reaction.     The next few days went by surprisingly well. The young assassin didn't meet up with Elijah even once. She could focus on herself first before worrying about what he'd do or say.     That happiness was bound to end at some point, right?

    It was about two weeks after the breakup when Kali met with disaster. She'd just gotten back to her room after a long day of training and classes and all sorts of stressful work, and she was looking forward to just getting a good night's rest. The redhead discarded her coat and headed for the mini fridge she kept in the room. Kali really should have figured that something was off when the drinks werent placed as she had left them. Alas, she just figured she'd moved them around in a hurry earlier that day or something.     She grabbed for a bottle of water from the front of the fridge and downed the contents quickly, having not had much to drink all day. The girl let out a breath and tossed the bottle in the trash can before flopping on her bed. She hadn't been that tired, but the moment she hit the soft comforter, she felt about ten times more relaxed than she had prior.

     I better get up and grab a snack and do some homework shit before I fall asleep here, she thought to herself. She didn't try to move for about 5 minutes. With a sigh of reluctance, Kali decided to get up and....

wait a second... she couldn't make herself get up. It was like she was bound by some invisible force that refused to let her free. Kali first assumed that she had just fallen into a light sleep that left her aware of her surroundings, although... no, that just didnt seem right. This... whatever. I'm in my own room so who the hell cares what's going on if... if...

    The door creaked open, the tall blond male she recently broke up with standing in the doorway with a few things in his hands. Tape, rope, a few knives... it would appear that he was planning to kill her.     "My my... and here I thought you'd hide when you felt the drug kick in. You do remember it, right?" He cooed, his tone far more gentle than his intentions.

   That was right! Kali remembered now, just a few weeks ago-- right before the breakup-- she'd been a test subject for a drug he was working on. Clear, void of flavor. Administered though consumption of a food or drink spiked with it. Effective, only taking a few minutes to fully immobilize the victim.    Kali mentally kicked herself. As soon as she'd felt her muscles begin to relax so quickly, she should've known. Now... now she was vulnerable. Funny- hadn't she always been vulnerable when it came to him? He'd always known what to do or say to get her to obey him. That was why she cut ties.

    He didn't like that. Not at all.     Elijah closed the door behind him and locked it before placing the items he brought with him on the bed beside her. "But no... instead, you fled here- your bed- of all places. Are you hinting at something, my dear? Is there... something you want?" A low chuckle escaped the man as he grabbed for a knife he'd brought.

    No... Kali couldn't protest. Even when she felt the cold steel of the blade make gentle contact with her arm. Then when it sliced through the strap of her bra and tank top.

    Elijah seemed all too thrilled with how little she reacted. He was aware of how she was probably feeling right now, and the fact that she'd been silenced- put in her place, so to speak- made him sickly amused. "Not gonna speak to me, hm? Giving me the cold shoulder? Oh... forgive me, you can't speak right now. Can't make a sound to... to protest if my hand just slips-" He created a small incision on her upper back before discarding the knife. "I should help you get ready for bed-- now, you cant wear those clothes to bed. I guess I have to undress you.~" A laugh--deep, calm, and lustful--sounded from the man as he slipped off her top and trailed his fingers lightly down her back until he reached the hem of her jeans. Then, he tugged her jeans and panties down, leaving Kali without anything but her socks on. Elijah gave a contented sigh.

"Now what am I going to do with you first?" Elijah cooed, moving to lean on top of her and caress her breasts. He planted a few gentle kisses on the girl's neck before leaving a bite, sucking on the spot he'd bitten to leave hickey (which he made sure was in an obvious spot that would be a pain to cover up). "I think I'll take your virginity in the only place I havent yet--but first..." One of his hands moved downward to slip a finger into Kali. Then two. "I also spiked your drink with an aphrodisiac. Now you'll get to enjoy all of this as much as I do." He left a few more marks on her neck and upper back as he fingered her before getting up completely. "But I still have to punish you... so..." He grabbed something from the pile of stuff  he'd brought: a riding crop. Without much warning whatsoever, he hit her with it. Then he hit her again. And again. This continued for five whole minutes, leaving Kali with some spots even bleeding by the time it was over. Tears ran down her face and a few squeaks meant to be screams left her. "Now we can get to the good part. I'm going to turn you over, okay darling?" How his tone could sound so loving still, she didn't understand. Elijah was gentle this time as he moved her onto her back. Kali wanted to cry as her sheets were stained with her own blood from the injuries the riding crop made. She was crying, in fact. The blonde took off his shirt and tossed it aside, soon doing the same with his pants and boxers. He towered over her, jacking himself off for a moment as he observed her naked body. "I don't want to risk having to deal with child support or anything, so I'm not doing this unprotected. I thought about it, but luckily for you, I can be reasonable when the mood strikes me." He removed a condom from his discarded jeans and carefully put it on before climbing onto the bed with her. "Ah... you're so beautiful like this... it's a shame--what I'm going to do to you after all of this..." He was gentle at first as he thrust into her, but that didnt last too long. Elijah was known for being fast and rough with this sort of thing, and he could remain like this for quite a while without getting close to climax. He made sure to leave scratch marks on her chest, breasts, and stomach as he fucked her. Every single mark was a reminder that she was his no matter what she said. After fifteen minutes, he pulled out and removed the condom, breathing heavily. "Here's the really fun part. You've never done anal, Kali... and you know how painful people say it is... I almost wish you could scream right now. Ahh... that would make this even better." He grabbed her by her torso and tugged her to the edge of the bed, flipping her back onto her stomach. "S... st..." She was trying to say stop, but her ability to speak hadnt really returned yet. Just barely. Her fingers twitched as she thought about grabbing for a knife and stabbing him to death. It would be justified, after all. Justified... but impossible right now anyway. Elijah used the natural lube from Kali in order to lube up his dick before slowly penetrating the girl's asshole. While it felt remarkable to Elijah, Kali was pained so much by it that she was able to force herself to let out a small yelp--once again meant to be a scream, but it was still a sign of how much this hurt her. While he'd been gentle with starting out in the other hole, he didn't give this the same treatment. He was most certainly rough with her now. His breathing grew heavier and heavier, Kali's sounds of anguish becoming louder and louder as the drug started to wear off. When Elijah finally came inside of her ass, she full-out screamed... only to have him shove her face down into the sheets to muffle it. She was definitely struggling now, but he was stronger than her and had little trouble with holding her down. "Shhh... I need you to be good for me. We're going to sneak into the boy's dorms together... what a little slut you are, with how you're going to leave yourself exposed for all the guys there. How should I leave you tied? Hm...." This only made her struggle harder, even managing to make a break for the door before he grabbed her by the arm and tugged her back, placing a rag over her mouth. Without realizing it, she let out a gasp of surprise... ...and drifted back into a world of vulnerability. Only, this time, she had no clue what was happening to her. She was unconscious. When she would eventually wake, Kali would find herself bound, gagged, and surrounded by ‘friends’ of Elijah’s in abandoned room within the boy’s dorms. 

@thetrollzaya here so you can read it))