History Channel guys: So glad to have you onboard for our docudrama. Here's the script telling you everything you need to know to play Ulysses S. Grant.
Actor: This just says, "Stare off into the distance and take a long drag on a cigar."
History Channel guys: Yeah, we're pretty sure he ended 75% of his conversations that way, so this show is going to reflect that.
Actor: Okay, then. Throat cancer, here I come!
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