#like i still don't know how far i am equipped to unpack his deal because of the landfill-sized can of worms that is

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

re: this post and its tags:

[racism mention, extremely violent fatphobia after the cut cw]

eight is a really interesting character--much more so than the writers intended him to be, tbh--and it's a real shame that both the authors' racism and the fandom's behavior drove me away from getting invested in him for so long.

the racism i was just like 'wow this is beyond me to even begin to unpack at this point in time. jesus.' but also. the entire fandom using their love for them as a reason to make endless rabid hate posts about your fave, in many of which they fantasize about 'slitting open the fat bastard's belly and gutting him like a pig,' and getting dozens of notes for it will put you off a character a little bit. just slightly 🤏

[bisexualpirateheart]

Okay, so, weird question, feel free to ignore this! But I've been trying to figure out if I'm lesbian or bisexual for a long time, and I don't know anyone who's bisexual to compare my experiences to, so I thought I'd try and ask you, if that's something you're comfortable with: how do you know for sure that you're attracted to men, too? Like, possible tmi, I really enjoy a lot of m/m fic with blowjob scenes, etc, and I think about men often when I'm fantasizing -- I think mostly just because 1/2

2/2 I have a submission kink and I like the idea of penetration that’s also directly physically stimulating for the person doing the penetrating, but maybe that’s my brain making excuses? (Also quite probably internalized sexism, which I’m embarrassed about.) And I feel like Toby Stephens is really attractive, but on the other hand pictures of naked men like the Tom gifset you posted do absolutely nothing for me. I tried once, with a guy, and I just kept like petting his equipment literally 2/3

3/3 but then didn’t want to do any more than that. But maybe that’s just because I didn’t like him all that much? Anyway I realise this is such a weird tmi inappropriate question to ask. I don’t have anybody irl to ask and I’m embarrassed not to have figured this stuff out in my early thirties. I think I’m a lesbian, but like, maybe I’m fooling myself? A real lesbian wouldn’t fantasize about men? How did you know you were really attracted to them and not just imagining it?

Okay so my response got pretty lengthy so I am putting it behind a cut. 

Tldr: there is no wrong way for you to identify and only you get to decide what works for you.

For starters, it’snever too late to figure stuff out, Anon! Just because you’re in your thirtiesand still figuring this out, doesn’t make that any less true. If there’s onething I’ve learned as I get older, there’s always more stuff to figure out. It’show life goes, which is unfortunate in some ways (it would be easier if we had everythingalready figured out obviously) and all right in others. I was in mymid-twenties when I realized I was bisexual and while on the one hand, I wouldhave liked to have figured that out sooner, it would have been hell at thatpoint in time, where I was in life. Mostly the realization just made sense, anda lot of things fell into place and just clicked in my brain.

Also I’ve dealt withkinda the same thing as you, but in reverse. Am I not really bisexual because Igrew up thinking I was straight, attracted solely to men, etc. How do I know ifI’m really attracted to women or do I just think they’re pretty and I’mpretending that admiration is more? I haven’t kissed as many women as I’vekissed men and so forth, am I just faking this?

I unpacked it when Irealized that I felt the same about Sarah Connor that I did about DeanWinchester. I found them attractive I wanted to be like them, I wanted to do them. While that doesn’t work for everyone (especially in real life, obviously) butit did help me put my feelings into perspective.

Attraction is weird,it’s fickle, it often doesn’t happen when we think it should. You can be on adate with the nicest person and not be attracted to them. You can’t forcesomething like that. Sometimes it comes along after awhile, sometimes it neverdoes. I’m not attracted to every man I see, just as I’m not attracted to everywoman I see.

If you’re notattracted to men you see on a daily basis, irl, on the street, etc, that isokay! If you’re attracted to actors sometimes, that is also okay! I think aboutthis a lot actually because it can be easier to allow an attraction to an actordevelop because you don’t have to deal with the pressure/nerves of getting toknow someone in person, and plus they’re just *there*. They play roles youlike, characters you’re interested in, it’s easy to allow attraction to grow inthat space because it’s a safe environment to let it happen.

Regardingcelebrities/actors/musicians, all of that taste and attraction is entirely subjective.Nobody is attractive to everyone. I know that when people are like ‘oh man,This Guy is just the hottest’ and you’re like ‘…..I see where you’re coming from,but he just doesn’t do it for me.’ That can make you feel like you don’t fitin, you don’t understand other people, and so forth.  That is okay. I know it feels false, but itis! Just because other people find someone attractive doesn’t mean you’restrange for not doing so. The things that appeal to us, that make up the thingsthat form attraction are just random.

Also, Only You Get ToDecide If You’re A Real Lesbian. That is a thing that you are in control of. Doyou like the identity of lesbian? Does it feel the most natural? Has it feltright until someone told you were a fake for thinking about men? Do you want tocontinue identifying as a lesbian or does bisexual truly seem a more applicableterm? Do you feel like you’re betraying lesbians if you do decide you’re bi?You’re not, by the way. Sexuality is far more fluid than people like to thinkand as we get older, we come to know ourselves better. You are not betrayingone side if you decide something else fits you better now. You get to decidewhat label works for you. No one else gets to say you’re not a real lesbianbecause you enjoy fantasizing about men from time to time, if that label feelscomfortable for you. That’s not how it works.

On the subject of dicks,it’s not weird or wrong to consider or discuss the differences between whethera guy’s doing the penetrating or a woman and what that’s like/how it feels forthat partner. (Women can get physical pleasure from being the partner penetrating btw. Possibly you might be interested in pegging?) Also dicks are a lot of fun in fantasies and fiction and often muchmore frustrating in real life. It’s not wrong to not be into them (but it could be that that particular guy justwasn’t the one for you. It doesn’t mean you have to keep touching dicks untilyou find one that interests you. It also doesn’t mean you can’t touch anotherdick if you feel like it. With the dick owner’s consent, obviously. I do notadvocate just going around touching dicks at will. People frown on that.) Alsowe all have internalized sexism, because unfortunately that shit is ingrainedin us when we’re young, which sucks, but as long as we’re aware of it and dealwith it, things do get easier on that front. (Also obviously not all men havedicks, not all women have vaginas, that’s not how we define gender etc butanyway.)

When it comes down to figuringout if you’re genuinely attracted to men, I guess, think about the men you havebeen attracted to and find attractive (smiles at Toby Stephens), the men whoshow up in your fantasies. Think about what it is that makes that appealing. Isit a fictional aspect? Is it that particular character in a show? Is it reallygood hair? The curve of their jaw? A good sense of humor? The way they smile? Thereare no wrong answers and like I said, attraction is a strange fickle thing. Whenyou find something in particular like that, that works for you, how does itmake you feel? Good? Aroused? Interested to see what would happen if you twowere in a room together? This is literally different for every person you willmeet in your life or see on a screen, but for me my stomach gets a littletight, like I’m nervous, but it’s not bad, it’s more just edge of the precipiceexcited, like if the person stands close to you and all you can think is ‘youare standing so close to me, and your shirt is unbuttoned and I can see yourthroat and chest and I recognize you are saying words, but you are standing soclose to me.’ THINGS LIKE THAT. (Again, this is different for everyone, butrecognizing your own responses, how does your body react, etc, that’s all partof recognizing attraction.)

Also the first chart on this post here helps break down different kinds of attraction for what it’s worth and maybe that’ll be helpful for you too.

There is no cleardivided line in bisexuality unfortunately. It’s not like half of you is interested in men,half of you is interested in women. It’s more shifting percentages I’ve found.I started out thinking ‘oh yeah, I’m definitely like 95% straight but there isa 5% that is interested in girls.’ And that 5% shifted to 10% and more, andmore and slowly I was like ‘welllllllllllll…..here we are.’ A lot of days Ifeel I’m at a 60/40 range, mostly because I know how to identify my attractionto a dude more immediately than to a woman. (Is she just nice? She’s pretty butis she pretty in I want to kiss her or I just want to look at her??? How do Iknow for sure? And sometimes it’s one and sometimes it’s the other.)

What it really comesdown to, you get to decide what works for you. Basically, if you want toidentify as bisexual, you can do that. If you want to identify as a lesbian,you can also do that. The latter doesn’t mean you have to stop fantasizingabout men, and the former doesn’t mean you have to engage in sexual activities withmen irl you’re not really that interested in. There is nothing wrong with beinga lesbian who has fantasies about men, or bisexual who doesn’t want to touch themajority of dicks out there.

I know this isn’t areal definitive answer to your question, and I’m sorry about that. I wish Icould give you one. I wish I could make this all easier and tomorrow you wouldn’thave to wake up thinking ‘oh god, which one is right?’

There is no right one.There is only you and how you feel about things and what works for you.

But I want you to know that I think you’re greatjust as you are, and I hope you have a lovely life with people you enjoy. Allthe best