#like if youve been wronged by someone then they must be cut out forever

[helluvahotmess]

i dont think fizz and blitz mending their relationship was that rushed. like fizz is in a good place mentally and emotionally (compared to most other characters in this show he's doing alright)

plus he didnt completely forgive blitz (or was suddenly totally ok with everything that happened), more like he's ok with him being in his life again (they've got a lot of work to do)

[rahabs]

Hey are you okay? Youve made a couple concerning posts abt death & not feeling good enough & like I hope you know that even if it doesnt feel like the ppl immediately around care there are so so many who care here on the internet, youre one of my favorite bloggers on this website & youre a wonderful, valuable, & uniquely amazing person & I really hope that you can hang on until things are okay again, because as someone with HELLA depression & suicidal thoughts, I can promise that they will be

I don’t.  Know.  Tbh.  I honestly haven’t been okay for a very, very long time.  I have really bad, occasionally crippling OCD that I am trying to parse through and cope with now that I know I have it (and that it’s bad--you should have seen the look on the therapist’s face during that one and only appointment, it took her like three seconds), which feeds into my anxiety, which feeds into depression.  The only reason I’m not suicidal is, somewhat hilariously, my anxiety, because even though I am utterly convinced that everyone around me would be happier if I was gone and/or wouldn’t miss me (esp since I now know both my sisters, but especially my youngest sister, resent the shit out of me for a variety of reasons, but jealousy and my absence for my studies and “being smart”/my academic accomplishments apparently being three of them, as relayed to me by outside sources and they themselves), my crippling fear of death stops me from actually doing anything about it.

Putting the rest under a cut b/c this got long.

I just.  Feel like I’m constantly reaching out for help and trying to extend olive branches and they are being violently rejected or ignored.  And that isn’t in my head, either.  I was told by my dad that I’m “trying too hard” to fix the relationship between my sisters and I (it’s two against one, and I am the one) while they aren’t trying at all and it sucks.  I feel incredibly alone and like whatever I do is never good enough or is bad, and I’m tired of constantly being rejected by people around me.  I lost my oldest friend of 20+ years because she was mad that I didn’t grovel at her feet for something I didn’t do.  I was chased out of something I loved because someone resented the fact that I was popular for the first and only time in my life and spread rumours and lies that resulted in someone trying to kill themselves, and everyone (including the person who tried to commit suicide) blame me, and then when I didn’t immediately accept their half-hearted apology (which wasn’t so much an apology for what they did so much as it was an “I’m sorry you’re upset about it”).  I used to write all the time an dinteract with people but I burned out so bad after my thesis that I had to take a hiatus and since them I’ve basically gotten no response to anything no matter how hard to try to engage people.

I feel like all I do is hang on, and in some ways things have gotten better (at the very least I am in charge of my body now, and am physically fit and am no longer in constant, agonizing physical pain due to obesity--I can control my body and that’s something), but I just.  The common denominator here is me.  What’s so bad about me that literally my existence just causes people to hate the shit out of me?  And that isn’t even in my head, either--I have a long track record of people I don’t even know, and who I’ve never even really interacted with, hating the shit out of me to the point where they’ve done everything they could to try and drag me down.  And even my family resents my successes.

I want to succeed to make them proud and to make myself proud, not to make them hate me.  I’m proud of their successes and talents and I support my sisters in everything they do.  My youngest sister is a phenomenal dancer, way better than I could ever be, and I go to everything I can and support her.  I support them both.  But they just resent my successes.  My youngest sister can dance better than me, but she hates me because I can sing bettter.  She wants to be a nurse, but she hates me because I’m in law school.  She’s tired of hearing about my successes, but my parents have always praised our successes equally because they understand that we all have different stengths--I’ve certainly heard for years about how smart they are.  My other sister is charismatic and beautiful and makes friends far quicker than I.  Everyone loves her and I am an awkward social potato (my dad describes me  to other people who haven’t met me as “so smart she’s weird”, so I’m basically a sitcom character at this point).

And this isn’t in my head.  It was told to me quite bluntly by multiple people over Christmas who observed how my sisters were actively shutting me out and how upset I was about it.  So the fact that they’re actively excluding me and ganging up on me isn’t even in my head.  I wish it was.

And this all sounds really stupid and whingy now that I’ve typed it out so I’m going to stop but I just.  I feel alone and stupid and like.  Obviously if so many people resent me then the common denominator is me.  I must fuckinng suck as a person, and that’s why I’m alone and will forever be alone, because the only people who can stand to be around me are my parents.  No wonder my favourite HP character and the only character I’ve ever related to on a personal level is Percy fucking Weasley.

But like I really appreciate you sending this anon b/c I just.  No one.  Really talks to me.  I’m constantly the odd one out in every situation.  I still haven’t made any friends in law school because everyone else paired up and I was left alone, despite my best efforts to join some groups.  I know I intimidate people because I have been told so many times that I do, and I know I’m a very intense person, but I don’t try to be and I don’t know how to fix that, and I also refuse to dumb myself down just to appease other people’s egos.  It just really, really sucks, and I’m an introvert, don’t get me wrong, but the loneliness is really, really starting to get to me and it’s harder and harder to combat it when I’m rebuffed at every turn ;;;;  Or at least that’s how it feels.  And then when I redouble my efforts, I get pushed back even more because now I’m “trying too hard.”  So it’s like.  Fuck me if I try, fuck me if I don’t try.

[billys-hard-grove]

MUSIC THINGY <3

I was tagged by @billnsteve (thank you sooo much, i love this a lot. i can talk about  music all day long)

Put your music libraby on shuffle and put the first 10 songs that come on. So, okay, this is all the music that i have listened to in my 23 years of existence, so this can get embarrassing. sorry in advance.

Aaah, okay, this got long, because im rambling about every song, but youll find my music opinions under the cut :p

AND I TAG @benalras, @hoppnhorn, @lovelydacre, @digitaldevilqueen, @billyandsteve @harringrovehearted @harringroveismyguiltyship @galaximerboi @decxmpxsitixn @pretendimstraight  and i dont care if youve done it, because you know you can do this forever.

1. Underground Café - Di-rect Oooh, this was the VERY first band that i ever listened too, so that is a nice and symbolic start. Di-rect is a Dutch punk/pop band and this song is their old stuff where they were still nice and punk-y. It’s a very nostalgic sound to me and i love this song.

2. The Fisher King Blues - Frank Turner I love Frank Turner so fucking much, but ive never actually heard this song before (i just dumped his entire discography in my spotify list). But you know, all his songs are amazing and he is a lyrical genius, so its no surprise this is a good song as well. (oh shit, its like real good though. this man can do no wrong)

3. Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks - Panic at the Disco Hmm, i love patd, but i must confess that i like his new stuff a whole lot better. This has a bit of nostalgic value, but it doesnt do much for me.

4. They Don’t Know About Us - One Direction OH FUCK NO. this is where you find out about my secret obsession with boyband music. Im a sucker for the cheesy cliche lyrics and the catchy tunes.

5. Do I Wanna Know - Arctic Monkeys  I mean, i have never met a person who doesn’t like AM, its a fantastic album, this is a fantastic single. im quite excited for their upcoming new stuff actually.

6. Surrender - Billy Talent Aaaaah, sweet youth. I do still kinda like their sound though, its just so unique and nostalgic (i have used this word too much already) (but billy talent though) (the song is not like their best, buts its all right)

7. Sin With A Grin - Shinedown TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT AGONYYY!! Okay, i LOVE shinedown, they are amazing. Like, this is definitely not their best song, but it just gets my PUMPED. Shinedown is just pure energy and the occasional fucking beautiful ballad. Someone did a Billy edit with It All Adds Up from them and it was glorious. It is very much a Billy-band. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME OF WHYY I AM SICK INSIDE 

8. Spotify Commercial

8. I Wish You Would - Taylor Swift Ok, so im eternally conflicted about Taylor Swift as a person, but this album was good. It taps into my sappy pop heart. (is her new album any good? anyone? cuz i heard the album wasnt as bad as her singles, but i dunno? im not gonna listen to it probably, but i am curious)

9. Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide - Shinedown BLACK LIPS - PALE EYES - CYANICE SWEET TOOTH SUICIDE !! Everything that goes for Sin with a Grin, goes for this. It’s just.. it gets my hyped and its goood shit, this is from the same album actually, Sound of Madness (fucking phenomenal) (but also. their newer stuff man. its good)

10. Everybody Knows You Cried Last Night - The Fratellis Aaaaah, classic. Good song. Ive only ever listened to 3 songs by The Fratellies though. Theyre all good though, maybe i should listen to more.

Okay, i love this. I dont think anyone will care actually, but i love talking about music. Im very much a festival-person as well. Ive actually seen all of these artists live except for the guilty pleasures (1d and taytay). (i mean, its not guilty actually. i do love it) (this list of 10 songs could have been WAY more embarrassing tbh)

Thank you for listening. I love rambling about music. This is me trying my very best to keep in short actually :p