#like ik i go on rambles but its bc i have no filter and im just some guy

[celestialmancer]

☁️ // 3:04 am, tbd ;

More low filter bs

Kind of wonder sometimes if I’d feel as much shame as I do towards rambling off abt nsfw ish or nsfw topics w my ocs or doing ramblings of that sort involving them if it weren’t for the… things I went through + the way I had to deal with being shamed due to the trauma responses I ended up with as a result of said experiences ig

& also if it hadn’t been for the ex friend of mine who was emotionally abusive to me for 4 years (i met her @ 13/14 & she was 21/22) & and anti-lgbt obsessive religious freak as well, seeing how she. Always was towards me about anything nsfw related? Like I remember she used to obsessively fixate on how engaging in any of those things meant you were disgusting & sinful & letting the devil influence you, & how anyone who wrote or hc’ed or drew or rp’ed nsfw stuff was ppl who were disgusting or sinful & “wasting their talent on things the devil wants”

Along w how. Victim blame-y she was w matters of sexual harassment or worse

(…which all those things were… the worst possible thing to be around given what i was going through w/ M & other freaks online at t the time that i wont elaborate on)

& just. Idk. I know that while ive mostly reprocessed everything w her & how she was to where it doesn’t rly phase me to talk abt anymore, it doesn’t change the impact it left on me where I guess it played a role in how i’ve like. Always seen myself whenever i do wanna muse on more nsfw stuff w my ocs or rp or create nsfw content w them (& well other things online that were ✨traumatic ✨ that i wont say just kinda fueled all that even worse along w bs from religion in general & also—from how ppl reacted to trauma responses i had )

Always there’s shame in sorta approaching that for this reason—mind you its not the only reason, there’s a lot more to it, but still

& ig that might be another factor why i struggle to feel comfortable w approaching anyone i trust for anything nsfw related w ocs? & just leave it to others to approach me instead if they want so that way i dont feel like im being viewed in some neg way that im not, all over tryna approach over something like that, ig

I p much need an explicit “u can approach me abt this anytime” type of deal wrt nsfw oc stuff or else i just simply do not 💀 once again w the “needs explicitly being told x thing is fine or invited to do x thing or else i will not” that follows me in a lot of things wfsvdg just general self suppression? Ig

(Now admittedly, again, there’s more reason to why i do that other than just religion & a lot of it is an intense fear of accidentally crossing a line & also coming off a bad way + like, other things, that are deeply personal, but still)

…Ironic that im that way considering the spaces i have w friends & all but yeah.

But still. Idk. Ig i just wonder if id struggle w feeling ‘dirty’ or w/e still if it hadn’t been for that connection—probably still would all other things considered bc, ik those dirty feelings also—came from how ppl viewed me over, certain… things i went through & responses to it… but, maybe to a lesser degree or something … idk.

Had more to say but it slipped my mind, so.

[vaugarde]

one of my bigger fears abt just rambling my head off sometimes on here is that i worry i look pretentious or judgmental or like i have the only valid opinions. particularly w the pokeani stuff bc i feel like thats a dumb hill to die on for a lot of stuff.

[outragedslime]

I'm not that anon and neither am I against meat Roxy but some people don't seem to like that iteration bc of the widely accepted reading of Roxy as a transfeminine character. Idk how much of it is canon-supported and how much is just hcs tho

I mean if ppl liked transfem roxy then go ahead but. I like transmasc roxy and making me tag my own art in a way that lets people blacklist my art out from my blog makes me Super uncomfy. Like?? If u dont like it just unfollow me or if u dont wanna see my art in the roxy tag u can block me its not that deep... idk how to phrase this well but ive so many thoughts abt this. Again ill say i woke up almost 22 hrs ago so im v sleepy so i might phrase things wrong but here we go (also sorry for rambling here but i rly wanna get this out bc its been bothering me for ages and im!! Upset! This big rant isnt specific @ u this is like in general i wanted to type it in a post anyway but i was scared but fuck it ykno.) Id do a read more but im on mobile ill edit it later

Like we all agree that its bad to erase canon gay charas right? So like...why is it g to erase canon trans characters. Like yeah it was a popular headcanon but like......?? Headcanons get deconfirmed sometimes it happens??? It makes me feel like having a woman hc for roxy is more important than having a transmasc canon, which is. A constant self doubt of mine like i worry people will see me as lesser bc im trans and ive also seen it happen! So thats not very nice! To see the fandom treat a canon trans character as "lesser" bc theyre not trans in the way they want!

Also roxy is literally the only positive transmasc character ive ever seen in any piece of media. Ever. So that adds to it. The amnt of ppl who i seen say shit like "give her back u dont deserve her" like? That shit hurts!! Im sorry but it does! Constantly being told that a character being revealed as transmasc is "not worth it" is one of the things that makes me wanna leave the hs fandom bc holy shit!! Thats so transphobic!

Roxy is also rly rly important to me bc ive never seen a canon nb character who uses he/him either and like! I never saw rep lile that! If ur srsly mad abt transmasc roxy and want to be able to filter him out bc u prefer a different hc pls take a step back and look at urself and see how that can be transphobic. Like u can recognise that a character was important to u and like... be mature enough that u dont make ppl feel like shit when they now vibe w that same character? I used to hc transmasc vriska and i drew a few super self indulgent drawings that i didnt post publically and it was a Super important hc to me but i wouldnt draw that again now that vriskas confirmed transfem bc im not an asshole? If u see a trans character and ur first thought is "theyre not trans in the Better way though so i hate this and will make it clear to the people who like this that i hate this" thats transphobic.

Do u have to like transmasc roxy? Fuck no! U dont have to do anything. But srsly @ that anon earlier: like if thats ur reasoning, why would you go to me when i clearly take a lot of comfort in this character (i even Said seratonin time like. I draw roxy and i get an instant boost of euphoria) and imply that u do not want to see it. Like if u do not want to see it u can just unfollow or block me. Instead u make me feel like shit if im being honest! Ik that wasnt the intention so i dont blame u ily n im sorry if im bein angry this has just been building up for a long time. Like "tag this Canon trans character u relate to and love so i dont have to see him" that..doesnt feel good. Pls be mindful of that h,,

Like if u hc roxy as transfem im not gonna stop you like you do you, im not saying this to bash at transfem hcs. But i literally mean it in the nicest way possible, u dont have to interact w my stuff if u dont like it or if it makes u feel bad. Instead of coming to me and making Me feel bad. U can just unfollow and thered be no hard feelings. I draw stuff to make me happy, and if that stuff doesnt make u happy u dont have to stay, but i dont want to post art of the only positive canon transmasc character i know that makes me feel euphoric and tag it deliberately knowing theres people out there who will actively blacklist that specific drawing. Im not saying its bad to blacklist it, u can blacklist it, but im personally rly uncomfortable w that happening w my art of this specific character so if u dont want to see it u can just. Unfollow. Like 100% no hard feelings im not trying to be cheeky i just think itd be most comfortable for everyone involved bc i dont wanna sacrifice my own comfort and euphoria for other ppl.

Sorry for writing so much and ty if u read this ✌