#like im getting sucidal again over just one comment

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

[melissaspruce]

Its 2:40am and i cant stop my thoughts

The first time she cheated on me was in a nightclub toilet. Right infront of my eyes. And she denied it. I felt everything crumble id never been so destroyed. Ill never forget how broken i was when i went to my best friends house the next day and collapsed in her arms. I did a weird thing, I pretended it didnt happen. I denied it. The second time she cheated on me was when i was waiting for her at a pub and she left me there alone for 3 hours while she ignored my phone calls and would occasionally reply with petty lies as to where she was. Little did she know someone had seen her with this girl just out front of the pub i was waiting for her in. Whats worse was this girl added me on social media and smiled to my face as I waved hello as i introduced myself kindly. What a dickhead. Then months later i noticed a change in her. Like she was deleberatly trying to get me to hate her. I still stayed and loved her even then. She then broke up with me and told me it was her not me. That old chestnut. Then came back to me when she was lonely a few weeks later. I lied and told her i hacked into her messages and her whole face dropped with guilt. She eventually let out it was the same girl from the night she left me for 3 hours in town. And that she was so guilty she broke up with me so she could meet up with her. Swore she never did anything as per usual. Whats worse was i worked on forgiving her, only to be lying in bed with her at night and have this girl call over 20 times crying she was going to commit sucide. I still bared it. It changed me but i still kept loving her. Then when we would go out i would have to deal with this girl being everywhere we went staring. After that i broke up with her because i found myself becoming crazy. Always checking her posts. Her likes. It began to consume me. Then she pulled the sucide card and told me how much she hated herself. I knew that pain all too easily and my heart broke for her. And yep you guessed it. I contiuned to love her. After that i noticed whatever she had been telling her family and friends must have been horrible because their demanor was noticeably different with me. I couldnt understand why i was so hated when i did nothing wrong. She would show me text messages from her best friend telling her being with me was a bad idea. That I was no good. I would never have shown or told her the things my friends said about her, that just nasty. But still i loved her. Eventually the months rolled by and her phone for 2 years always remained face down.  She stopped posting pictures of me and would yell at me everytime i did a snap chat with her in it. Eventually i had had enough and broke up with her again. 2 days later she was back at my door step smiling and saying it didnt feel right to not be with me. And still i loved her. I noticed one night again that she was acting weird and replying at strange times. She told me she was with a friend having a quiet one at home and broke up with me the next day. A few days later i had a friend contact me and tell me she was in another lesbians snap chat having a ball all 3 in bed. How cute. For everyone to see but me to be left in the unknown like a meaningless piece of shit. Ill admit this was my final straw and although i dont feel good about it. I called her a slut and a dog and told her she was dead to me. And now i lie in my bed awake at night thinking of all the times we partied together and she would go strange and distant from me walking meters away from me acting like i wasnt there with her. She was probably entertaining someone else in the room and making it look like we werent together. Or how she would go from fine to instantly looking like i made her the most miserbale person in the world when the girl she cheated on me with was within eye sight. Dickhead Mel. And i followed her around still loving her like a fuckwit. Or the way she would drop me at the flick of a switch if her friends or family mentioned something distasteful about me. I dont know why i held on for so long through all of this. I know i loved her. I even tried to ask if she wanted a threesome from time to time. In the hopes that when she cheated next it wouldnt be so painful. But it wasnt me. I couldnt watch her enjoy herself with someone else. I never thought id ever stretch myself as far as i did to stay with someone ever. The nights i lay happily in her arms while she was probably riddled in her own guilt. It destoryed me thats for sure. My self worth took a beating. I no longer thought i was beautiful or smart or worthy for that matter. If only i could be skinner or richer or have nicer things would she love me more? Its fucking unbareable how much it changes you as a person. I for the first time in my life got bitter. I felt like i had to flaunt myself to show her maybe someone would want me. But she didnt seem to care. I would comment on other girls things and flirt in the hopes she would see and actually fucking care. Its almost like it turned into a competition. I knew it was wrong but i felt so fucking defeated. Another friend sent me screenshots of them flirting obviously she didnt think id ever clue onto that one. I tired to move on with another girl in one of our breakup spells but my heart was always stuck on her. And she kept telling me how disgusting we were and I looked desperate. Said more about her character than anything really. I took a long time to be intimate. I didnt really know how to show love. I liked that she was distant and would let me take baby steps at opening up. The problem was then once i did i had wrapped her up in my vines and held on tightly. Maybe too tightly. I cant bare to watch her move on like i know she will. Or to deal with seeing her in town. Or even to cop the judgement from thoes who are her friends. Ill never heal from her until im away from her all together. Out of sight and i pray out of mind. I feel sorry for whoevers next and i feel sorry for her for never allowing herself to heal from her own past heartbreaks. What do you expect when she cheated on her last partner to be with me. Loyalty? I remember when she was fucking me and her boyfriend was ringing her in town looking for her how she laughed at his name on her phone. Then i realised she did the same thing to me with the other girl. I pray it doesnt consume me forever. Or that i dont turn cold like her and hurt my next lover. It changes you. It really changes you. Probably the biggest lesson in love i have come to face so far. And whats sad it my story is all too familiar. The love letters i wrote when i poured my soul out to her only to find them crumpled in a shoe box. The flowers id buy her only to watch them slowly die on my bedside because she forgot to take them home. The cute posts that sat there without even a like or comment from her. The present i bought her for our one year only to recieve nothing in return. The family events I was never invited too because half her family didnt even know i existed. It made me feel less than a spec of dirt. The countless times i loved her and it was never given back and everyone could see her so carelessly leaving me out to dry. Alone. This probably even resonates within half the people that read this. Its deeply saddening that the word love is used all too easily. That it means only a season for many. I only pray everyone finds some solace within themselves before using up another pure soul to drown their own demons and miseries. And honeslty it feels good to get it out. If even on a blog. To pour my mind out and feel the pain.