#like mccracken. and maybe it went too far and he learned his lesson

[bi-demon-ium]

do you ever wonder, even with how fucked up it already is, if milligan sanitized his story for the kids

[fly-pow-bye]

Powerpuff Girls 2016 - “Phantasm Chasm”

Written by: Jake Goldman, Haley Mancini

Written & Storyboarded by: Phil Jacobson, John West

Directed by: Nick Jennings, Bob Boyle

I cast magic missle! I'm attacking the darkness!

After a two week hiatus, this show returns with the worst character ever.

Okay, second worst character.

Here we go. This is Jared Shapiro. He's a character made for the reboot, a new student at the school with just as much personality as that school. Most of the time, he appears in Blossom's fantasy sequences to tell Blossom how beautiful and smart she is, because he's Blossom's love interest! She doesn't even remotely make this subtle, especially when her imagination gives him lines like this:

Jared: So, in the spirit of intergalactic friendship, and maybe more in the future... (raises eyebrows)

Ugh. It was in Blossom’s imagination, but that doesn’t make it much better. There's a few other things about him I could mention, but I'd rather get to the episode. Maybe we'll have some time before this guy shows up.

The episode starts with Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup playing a tabletop role playing game with Jared, damn it, as the Dungeon Master. Jared tells them they encounter the Stone Golem, pulling a figurine of him out and doing a voice, and asks what they should do. While Blossom and Bubbles talk the stereotypical RPG talk, Buttercup just monotonely says she would shoot it with a bazooka. Blossom is offended by Buttercup's lack of interest in following the rules of the game, but Buttercup remains unconvinced.

Buttercup: This game is for dorkfaces!

Jared: Hey!

Blossom: Buttercup! Jared's cool!

It's funny, Blossom seems to have no problem hanging out with Jared in this episode. Remember that episode where Blossom caused a Snow Month to avoid him? Maybe she learned her lesson, but this reboot has a hard time having its characters remember what they learned, especially when it comes to Buttercup.

Speaking of which, Blossom and Bubbles are having fun, but Buttercup isn't because this game is taking way too long. Jared tells her the game won’t be over until they reach Castle Neswald, fight the Blob King (bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh), and destroy the Phantasm Crystal. Such a specific name for the castle; it should come as no surprise that Neswald is one of the writers. Buttercup says she's going to take down two nerds with one stone, and she snatches the Blob King figurine from Jared’s hands and throws it right into the crystal, causing an explosion.

Suddenly, Jared and the Puffs are falling out of a portal into the game's world. I feel like we skipped a scene. The Puffs are just as confused as the audience, but Jared doesn't seem to mind. He's in this brand new world, and the first thing he does is become amazed at seeing Castle Neswald with his own eyes. Blossom and Bubbles also seem to get used to it.

They’re also put into costumes that represent the characters they played in the game. Blossom is a knight, Buttercup is an archer, and Bubbles is a barbarian. Jared also gets a role, even though he was the dungeon master: he gets to be the bard! While Blossom doesn't get to do much, Bubbles delights in one particular aspect of her class.

Bubbles: I have a beard! Oooh! Hee hee! (plays with beard)

Playing with her beard is going to be Bubbles' defining individual character moment in this episode. While everyone except for Buttercup is thrilled to be in this world of sorcery, caves, and blobs, Blossom raises a concern.

Blossom: This is cool, but how do we get home? Professor gets angry if we say in an alternate dimension for too long.

It's a good concern, as she's already been in this world long enough that she starting to think Professor is actually his first name. At least, I hope it isn't. Jared pulls out the rulebook and it actually has a section for what you need to do to get out of the alternate dimension: beat the game, or be stuck forever. Buttercup immediately snatches the book, reads one random line...

...and she eye lasers it into ash. The others are horrifed at Buttercup dooming them all, but she tries to defend her action with a rather dubious claim.

Buttercup: We beat up monsters all the time, how tough could it be?

The royal we, maybe, and even that's not too accurate. Of course, being a cartoon, any utterance of the words "how tough could it be" usually causes danger. In this case, the shrieking of a bunch of bats.

Koala bats, that is! Wacky! While everyone else runs away, Bubbles thinks they’re friends, and gets ready to hug them. She gets grabbed by her pigtails, yelling that she was wrong. Oh, that silly Bubbles! Blossom gets captured immediately after, and the koala bats head towards the castle.

They had four options to deal with these koala bats:

A. Eye laser them.

B. Use their aura powers.

C. Tear their legs off with their strength.

D. Do absolutely nothing.

Huh, should have went with A. Or B. Even C would be good. Instead, we get yet another episode where the girly ones have to be saved by the boyish one. She won't save them alone, as the bats spare Jared as well. I wouldn't blame them. Buttercup tries to fly in to save them, but the Castle makes a force field, bouncing Buttercup into a crater in the ground. Castle Punch, Girl Down, womp womp.

There is one good thing about Blossom getting kidnapped: we finally get to see a scene with Jared that doesn't involve him being the fantasy love interest, and we finally get to see him as he is. To make a long story short: he's a dorkface. In all seriousness, I will point out one thing that's interesting.

Jared: One second...magic inhaler, plus one stamina.

...did they just imply that Jared has asthma? I mean, it can't just be a random inhaler joke, right? I did some research, and it would fit in well with his affinity for wind instruments, like the clarinet in previous episodes, as wind instruments could expand lung capacity. A wind instrument plays a big role in this episode, which is some actual consistency with this character. It's the most charitable explanation for this; if it wasn't intentional, they might as well go with it.

Buttercup asks him how she can do her far-too-often saving of her sisters with the force field. Jared tells Buttercup they need to find the secret passage. Buttercup isn't too thrilled, thinking this is going to be some long, boring quest that won't even get interesting until the third movie. I think that's a Lord of the Rings reference, I'm not too sure.

It happens to be right by them, as the camera zooms out to reveal a door with neon signs that say "Secret Passage". Just in case the audience didn't think this was funny, they do a comedy drumroll over this. Might as well pull out the wah-wah trumpet, a laugh track, and a fist to bump.

They run into a room with a puzzle with the Stone Golem. Jared has to pick up the "mystical goblet" the Golem is going to drink his coffee out of. Wacky! Before he can explain how this puzzle even works, if he can even remember how considering the rulebook is a pile of ash, he accidently picks up one of the cups.

This cup was the wrong answer, as this wakes the Stone Golem. Without his coffee, he's angry! With his magical bard skills, Jared tries to save the day by blowing a terribly out-of-key melody on his flute, which irritates both Buttercup and the Golem. That's his running joke, and he's sticking with it.

After that, Buttercup just beats the golem up in a slideshow beatdown. Come to think of it, why didn't she use a bazooka aura here? It would have been a good call back. Jared celebrates that they did it, but Buttercup tells him he didn't do anything. Possibly distracting the Golem with the flute didn't count. Of course, she goes way beyond just telling him he's useless.

Buttercup: I don't know what Blossom and Bubbles sees in you. Jared: ...but... Buttercup: Just go, and leave the heroing to the real heroes.

So let me guess, Jared's going to get all sad with some sad violin music, Buttercup is going to get into a sticky situation, Jared's going to save her with his magical flute skills out of kindness, and Buttercup is going to respect Jared from now on. Unlike Buttercup and the secret passage, I have a good feeling about this one. Especially since I can hear the sad violin music.

Buttercup, while still talking to herself about how Jared is such a nerd, finds a door. After mocking Jared some more, she tries to punch it open like she punches through walls. At least, in the original.

This door turns out to be a trap, as Buttercup's fists get stuck in green goo. The door suddenly grows green arms, and grabs Buttercup, absorbing her into the door. Before she does, she says she's sorry as she realizes the error of her ways, and shouldn't have made fun of Jared for being a nerd. Oh, there were more reasons to hate him than that.

Sadly, it's far too late for her, as her horrified face becomes the same shade as the rest of the door.

Does the title fit?

Just kidding.

Suddenly, Jared shows up, and does what he does best. For some reason, this has him surrounded by this aura that’s never seen outside of this part, which is the usual inconsistency with this reboot. I guess it's because he's actually being useful, as this makes the door spit out Buttercup. Buttercup asks him why he would save her after all the mean things she said, and he responds that he's her friend.

Of course, as anyone can predict, this makes Buttercup respect Jared a little more than usual. Subplot over. Jared tries to celebrate with a song, but Buttercup tells him not to push it. At last, they finally find the Blob King's throne room, and, oh boy, the scene we're all waiting for.

They find Blossom and Bubbles at a banquet, gorging themselves on a bunch of food. Of course, all of this food has made Blossom and Bubbles super fat. Just a reminder: all Blossom and Bubbles did in this entire episode was get captured and become super fat. They couldn't even give them individual roles. If I were to guess, it's because they couldn't find a role for Blossom to play since the nerd character was taken, so they just merged Blossom and Bubbles into one character.

Bubblossom offers Jared a cupcake, which he almost takes until Buttercup zaps it out of his hands. It turns out, that one line Buttercup read was a hint that these sweets would make you a glutton, eating for eternity. It's almost like the Blob King is turning people into blobs...now I get it. It's rediculous and not that funny, but I get it.

It also turns out that the crystal, the object that has to be destroyed to win the game, just happens to be used as a centerpiece. How convenient! It’s like the episode wants itself to end early. Before Buttercup could destroy it, we get a trumpet fanfare, and Jared and Buttercup prepare for the worst.

Jared: (drops flute) Hold on! I dropped it!

Buttercup: Geez Louise...

See, he's not an idealized coworker-insert! He's clumsy!

The Blob King shows up, and is rather small, as seen in a camera shot seemingly inspired by Battlefield Earth. The Blob King then eats one of his koala bat minions to grow to giant size. Weight gain, vore, and a little growth for good measure.

To avoid the Blob King, Buttercup and Jared roll Bubblossom like the Oompa Loompas rolled around Violet. Buttercup even gets to call them "The Chunkins Twins", because fat people! Of course, Jared goes for Blossom, in what may be the only real hint of that relationship thing. A good choice to put that way in the background, I'd say.

Buttercup grabs the Blob King's tongue in an attempt to give him a tongue twister, and just guess what happens. I’ve noticed that the recent reboot episodes now have scenes where the Powerpuff Girls take care of another monster or group of monsters before the Monster Punch Girls Down scene. In Spider Sense, it was a bunch of spider mutants, in Imagine That, it was those dust bunnies and Bubbles' other imaginary friends, and in this episode it was the Stone Golem. It's an improvement, if a very small one.

After Buttercup gets flung into the wall, Jared gets captured by the Slime King's tongue. Unlike Jared saving Buttercup by just knowing how to open the door, Jared has to give Buttercup a pointer. She still needs that wonderful Jared, after all, to tell her "two nerds, one stone".

Buttercup does the exact same thing that got them trapped in this world in reverse, shooting the crystal right into the Blob King with her bow and arrow. She even gets to use her class. Notice the other girls don't even get to keep their costumes when they get fat, that's how little they cared about them. This causes a big explosion.

In the next scene, Buttercup and Jared are back at the Powerpuff home. Buttercup learned her lesson, and now she can't wait to play the RPG with her new favorite nerd buddy! The episode ends before they realize they can't even play the game because Buttercup destroyed the rulebook.

But not before a joke with Bubblossom, who were teleported as well, who consider getting salads instead. Because they’re still fat! Look at them, they're just so fat! FAT! FAAAT!

Does the title fit?

It’s the name of the board game, and the alternate world they went in.

How does it stack up?

RPG plots have a bit of potential, especially with well established character. There are some creative ideas here and there. The door with the hands coming out of it is a highlight, and the rest of the episode doesn't really live up to that.

Not speaking of characters that are well established, there's Jared. This episode had a chance to give him some more character beyond him being the love interest. Here, he's just a clumsy nerd. The love interest part doesn't even show up in this episode, not even with Blossom, which is only a plus due to the lack of minus. It's a step forward for Jared, but it's far too late for redemption.

Thinking about it, maybe I should be glad that Blossom didn't get a bigger role. When I say bigger, I don't mean that kind of bigger. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but RPG plots have been done a lot better. It's not Galstaff, Sorcerer of Light, that's for sure.

Next week, it’s time to go to the dentist!

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